Chapter 37 - The Dick Off and the Sleep Over
A little each day, in preparation for Murphy's retirement, Murphy had been taking her various awards and citations down from her office wall and placing them in a cardboard box she'd "acquired" from the supply closet. She turned and walked over to a little wooden table located at the far end of her office. Upon it she found a copy of Linda Ellerbee's And So It Goes: Adventures in Television. She thumbed through the slightly yellowed pages while taking a seat on her couch. She always enjoyed reading the chapter in which Linda explains how Murphy beat her for her seat on FYI.
"Here's your lunch." Lisa said after dropping the paper container on the edge of Murphy's desk. "Phil burger, crispy fries and pickles on the side."
Murphy looked up from refilling her inner joy and wealth of superiority, "You're not going to plate it for me?" Murphy slammed the book shut. "The nice plates are in the kitchen, you know."
"What do you think this is? The Devil Wears Chanel?" Lisa said, giving it right back to Murphy. "Please. I have four calls to make for you already. What's more important? Your food on a nice plate or getting actual work done? I think the latter." Lisa turned and walked toward Murphy's open door. She had been cranky lately anyway.
Murphy walked over to her desk and sat down. She opened her Phil's to go box and retrieved a Perrier from her under-the-desk mini-refrigerator. Phil's food had a distinctive smell and she couldn't wait to dive right in. But before she could take a bite, her iPhone dinged indicating she had received a new text message. She swiped her thumb across the screen. It was from Al. They had been having a very flirtatious texting session since lunch time yesterday. Murphy couldn't help but giggle, and Murphy never giggles.
Their conversation, although never to the level of Weinergate, was filled with sexual innuendo and double entendres without being graphic. The text consisted only of a picture of former Vice President Dick Cheney wearing his usual stone face and a follow up text saying, Get ready.
Confused, Murphy called Lisa into her office. Lisa came back in, somewhat perturbed at being disturbed again, "Yes? You rang?"
Murphy held up the phone next to Lisa and asked, "What does this mean?"
Lisa leaned over and looked at the screen and burst out laughing. "Your first dick pick, huh?"
"Is this what you kids find amusing these days?" Murphy asked.
"Are you sexting?" Lisa asked after peeking at the content on the rest of Murphy's screen. "You'd better be careful. That could turn into a real one very quickly. Because when you get one of those it usually doesn't have this face or any face at all. Technology, it's amazing?" Lisa then opened Murphy's Perrier and took a swig.
"Well, what should I do with this? It's a definite conversation stopper." Murphy said.
"You'll think of something." Lisa responded. "But I know how I'd handle it. You mind?" Lisa took Murphy's phone from her hand and opened her web browser. When she was finished, Lisa handed the phone back to Murphy. Upon the screen was a humorous pick of national treasure, Dick Van Dyke with the caption, Personally, I like mine way better.
And with that the dick off was on between Al and Murphy. He responded with a picture of Dick York and she with the obvious, Dick Sargent. Next came Dick Cavett and Dick Clark. Dick Van Patten and Dick Smothers. Dick Butkus and of course, Andy Dick. Then, the kicker from Murphy, a picture of Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon.
Al texted back, Check mate. U win. Rematch 2nite?
Laughing, Murphy asked, "Lisa, can I ask you something?"
"Sure. Anything." Lisa responded, taking a seat across from Murphy.
"You know Al is coming in town tonight?"
"Do you want me to find another place to crash?" Lisa asked.
"Of course not," Murphy responded. "It's been a while, you know? Got any ideas?"
"Ideas?" Lisa asked.
"Date ideas? What should we do?"
"I can think of something," Lisa responded, her eyebrows lifting to the dirty zone. "Avery and I always found that watching a movie and getting something to eat made for a good date night."
Murphy shook her head, "But that's so regular and ordinary?"
"You asked," Lisa responded, taking one of Murphy's crispy fries for her own. "So, be regular and ordinary for once."
"Want to join us?" Murphy asked, hoping Lisa was willing.
"Being the third wheel? Yeah, I think I'll pass on that one." Lisa smiled crookedly. "Anyway, tonight the assistants are meeting for bowling league practice at Liberty Lanes. I promised I'd make an appearance." Lisa noticed the look on Murphy's face. She took another one of Murphy's fries. "You're a big girl. You've done this before." Lisa sighed. "Take out Chinese and Pretty Woman. Now do it!"
"You know, I met Julia Roberts once. She dated Frank for a whole minute. Not Pretty Woman. I just can't. It reminds me of Frank coming into my office every three minutes to whine."
Lisa's eyes shifted over her glasses. "Fine then. Make it Dirty Dancing. Go girl, go." Lisa grabbed another fry before leaving to finish more work.
Later, at the Brown house, Lisa grabbed a small purse to take to the bowling alley. She walked down the stairs, looking over the side, to see Murphy pacing back and forth, working a divot into her wooden floor.
"I shouldn't be any later than nine o'clock, okay?" Lisa stopped when she felt Murphy grab onto her arm at the elbow. "What's wrong with you?" Lisa asked, descending the two remaining steps.
"I'm nervous." Murphy's eyes finally reached Lisa's. "I know, the old Murphy Brown never would have admitted that. What can I say? I am no good at hiding it any more."
Lisa placed her hand on Murphy's shoulder. "Listen to me. You are okay. You are going to get through this. You are amazing, just the way you are." Lisa laughed to herself. "I went with Bruno Mars. I'm sorry. But it's all true."
"What?" Murphy asked as her doorbell rang. "Oh God, I'm going to throw up. Can you get that?"
"You're not knocked up again, are you?" Lisa laughed again, while Murphy ran to her downstairs bathroom. She opened the front door to find Matt Jeffries standing there. They had planned to go to the bowling alley together. She was going to try to set him up with Frank's assistant, Tamara.
Lisa had become a one woman dating service around the office, trying to set up all of the other single, female assistants with the very available, Matthew Jeffries, Esquire. But he just wouldn't settle on any of them, finding a flaw in every single one of them. After Tamara, there was only Jim's assistant left, Ancient Amy Barnes. After the raven haired receptionist debacle left Jim primed, Doris made Jim upgrade to the oldest secretary in the pool. She required it or she'd spend her time filling the ink well of her Mont Blanc, making sure she could sign her name to anything smoothly, efficiently, and quickly. Lisa hoped that a love connection was in the future for Matt and Tamara.
"Come in, Matt." He obliged, while passing Lisa and kissing her on the cheek. "Have a seat, please." He appeased her, taking a seat at one end of Murphy's couch.
Lisa stood behind the couch, transferring her things from her usual purse to her smaller purse. When she could fit no more, she asked, "Matt, will you excuse me for just one moment? I'll be right back. Okay?"
He shook an okay.
Lisa then went to the downstairs bathroom, knocking on the door she asked, "Murphy are you alright?"
And before she knew it, Murphy flung open the door and yanked Lisa inside. "Does he look nice? Does he smell good? If they smell good, I can't control myself at all."
Lisa put her hand up in front of Murphy's face, "It's not him. Calm down. Just calm down. Breathe in and out. That's it. Good, girl." Lisa stepped behind Murphy, looking over Murphy's shoulder in the same mirror. She started to fluff up Murphy's hair with her fingers. Then she reached into her pocket and retrieved Murphy's lipstick, French Fawn. "You could use a touch up." Handing it to her, Murphy started smudging it over her lips.
"Who was at the door?" Murphy asked. She then popped her lips apart, making a point.
"My friend, Matt. We're going bowling." Lisa said as Murphy popped her lips again and turned her glare from herself to Lisa. Lisa saw this and huffed, "I'm trying to set him up with someone, Murphy! It's not like that."
Murphy "um-hummed" unnecessarily, then closed and recapped her lip stick.
"I have to go, but you'll be alright. And if he smells that good, I'm just a phone call away." Lisa turned to exit the bathroom, but turned again. "Almost forgot. Here, I got you these." Lisa handed Murphy a box of Aztec Warriors. "You kids play safe. Okay? I'll make sure to be quiet when I get back home."
Murphy couldn't even close her mouth before Lisa was gone again. And she was left alone with only herself, her anxiety, and her French Fawn.
As Big Poppa played on the juke box, Matt retrieved both his and Lisa's bowling balls from the rack and placed them on the ball return. They had taken a lane right next to the FYI team, just Matt, Tamara, and Lisa. "What can I get you ladies to drink?" Matt asked.
"Miller Lite, for me, please." Tamara answered, flapping her eyelashes at Matt.
"And what can I get for you, Lisa?" Matt asked.
"Water is fine. Thanks."
"Consider it done." Matt answered while leaving to retrieve drinks for the ladies.
Lisa sat behind the score keeper machine, typing in Matt, Tamara and her own name. After tying her unfashionable shoes, she skipped over both Matt and Tamara's names. She lifted her purple, 12 pound ball and took her place at the back line. After all, this wasn't only a social hour, this was serious practice. She tapped her right heel on the wooden floor, took a large, full breath and threw the ball directly at the pins. Nine pins fell and Matt yelled a "yea!" from the seating area, as he stood and cheered. "Okay, pick it up now, Lisa."
Lisa turned, waiting for her ball to return, and just looked at Matt. She nudged her head toward Tamara. He handed her the water he got for her. She turned again when her ball reappeared and palmed her hands over the blowing air. Only the seven pin was left, so she'd have to hook it. She resumed the same position as before, at the back line, tapped her right heel on the floor, took a breath and hooked it, dropping the seven pin.
Lisa turned and shot her arm back. "Yes! Still got it." She swaggered back to the seating area, passing Matt in the process. He swat at her behind, which caused her to stop walking for a moment. She breathed deliberately and then took her seat next to Tamara.
"Why are you even trying to set us up, Lisa? It's obvious he likes you," Tamara said.
"He does not! And besides, I'm married." Lisa retorted.
Tamara took Lisa's face in her hands, forcing her attention. "You are clueless, Lisa. You know that? Absolutely clueless." Maybe Tamara had found the one thing at which Lisa was not perfect.
Lisa began bitting her bottom lip as her eyes glazed over with lack of focus. "Lisa!" Matt stood before her and snapped his fingers in front of her face.
"Huh?" She said, when her focus returned.
"Did you see that?" Matt said, pointing at their lane. "I got a strike!"
Lisa fake smiled, immediately grabbed her shoes and began putting them back on her feet.
"What are you doing?" Matt asked, while taking a seat next to Lisa. "Are you leaving?"
Lisa shook her head, "Yep. Gotta go. Okay? So you and Tamara can have fun." Lisa headed for the shoe return and Matt followed her.
"Did I do something wrong?" Matt tugged at her shirt. "You've only played one frame."
"I just have to go. Okay?" Lisa said as she walked briskly toward the exit. Matt followed her out of the double glass doors, onto the steps, when he stopped her by walking in front of her. "What's going on, Lisa?"
Lisa could do nothing but just look at him. "You're really going to make me say it out loud?" Lisa tried to walk around Matt, but he moved and blocked her again. "I don't love you, Matt."
"You're married," he answered. "You love that other guy…where ever he is?"
"You know what, Matt, he's making a life for us right now. It just happens to be half way around the world from here." Lisa put her hand to Matt's chest and pushed him out of her way.
He grabbed her hand and she came to an abrupt stop. "But I thought we could maybe, have a little fun while he's gone."
She turned. "No Matt. You thought wrong," Lisa answered sternly. "Tell me exactly what is wrong with Tamara?"
"Other than she ordered a Miller Lite?" He answered.
"Seriously? That's it? You are such a snob," Lisa corrected. "That is one great girl in there."
"She's not you. You are one great girl."
Lisa started to feel stupid and insecure inside. She didn't like that. "But this one great girl is taken, Matt. You don't seem to be able to get that through your head." Lisa retrieved her hand from Matt and walked to Avery's car, that was parked in the parking lot.
But she didn't drive directly home. She thought it best to not ruin two dates on the very same day. Instead she drove through the streets of Georgetown, exploring and wasting time. Her thoughts drifted with the songs on the radio, which were, in the truest fashion, songs about cheating. It got so bad that she turned the radio off and just drove home in silence.
As close to nine o'clock as she could muster, Lisa parked Avery's car on the street. She put her ear to Murphy's wooden front door, well aware of how embarrassed she would feel to walk in on Murphy in any kind of compromising position. But when she heard (I've Had) The Time of My Life, she knew the coast would be clear…and maybe she'd catch her favorite part of the movie, the big lift. She put her key in the lock and turned it, quietly of course.
The door creaked as it opened and she saw Al, laying on Murphy's sofa with his head resting on the back. A blanket was draped over his legs. He woke up, startled by her presence. She walked over to him, while watching the big lift and introduced herself and he did the same.
"Where's Murphy?" Lisa asked with some concern.
Al lifted up the blanket to reveal Murphy asleep underneath, wrapped around him. Lisa smiled, knowing the trouble Murphy was having sleeping these days. It just made her like Al that much more.
"Hey," Al whispered. "Will you help me wake her?"
Lisa moved her head up and down. She turned off the TV and Al threw the blanket off of them. "She's kind of hard to wake up, but I know what will get her up." Lisa stood, cleared her throat and shouted, "There goes Aretha!"
"Where?" Murphy asked in her sleepiness. Al took both of her hands and lifted Murphy to her feet. She put her arm around him and they walked up the stairs together. Lisa followed, a few minutes later. She turned off the lights and set the alarm before leaving this strange day behind.
In the morning, in his boxers, Al found his way to the kitchen and was surprised to see Lisa already awake cooking at the stove.
"Fresh coffee is right there," Lisa said, pointing to the coffee pot next to the stove. "Mugs are up there," she directed Al to the cabinet just above the coffee pot. "And everything else you might possibly need is in the refrigerator."
"Thanks." Al said, pouring Lisa's special blend into an FYI mug. "Listen, I want to thank you for your help last night. My leg was asleep."
"You've already said thanks, Al," Lisa answered, flipping over some amazing smelling French Toast on the stove. She plated the toast, poured some syrup into a glass dispenser, and retrieved a glass of orange juice from the refrigerator. She put all of these things onto a waiting tray. "Can you take this up to her?"
"You do this every morning?" Al asked, sniffing the wonderful smell of the food.
"You're kidding, right?" Lisa asked, shaking her head side to side. "Today's a special day, Al. She deserves it."
"She's very lucky to have you, Lisa," Al said. "You know, last night, all she could talk about was the baby. It was Lisa this and Lisa that and Lisa's due in May. She didn't talk about her work once." Al smiled. "She really wants a girl," Al picked up the tray. "See what you can do about that," he said while exiting the kitchen for Murphy's room. "And thanks."
Lisa smiled everywhere she could.