Chapter 37

A LONG ROAD HOME

DIANA

Everything hurt.

And not just from the cold, not just from the burn of her skin against the ache of the frigid air. Her everything hurt—her mind, her bones, her very core—and the feeling was so overwhelming that all she could do was stand and watch Akko walk away. She soaked into the space that built between them, her thoughts engulfing the last words that Akko had said before she turned and went back inside:

"Prove it," Akko had said, crimson eyes burning into her own as she uttered words that Diana remembered hearing once so long ago. "Prove it, Cavendish. Prove you're not going to run away again, and when you do that-" She had paused, as though she wasn't sure how to proceed, before continuing. "When you do that, I'll be standing right here, just as I always have been."

Just as she always had been.

Akko had always been there. Waiting. At the ready. Welcoming Diana with open arms and holding back nothing. It was Akko who had made those first crucial steps that led to where they were: their first kiss, the solidification of their relationship, their first time. It had all been Akko. Inexperienced, fumbling Akko, who had summoned all the bravery that Diana had never been capable of, that Diana couldn't offer herself.

All this time, Diana had thought it had been her who was calling the shots. After all, she'd done this before. She'd been with somebody, she knew the ropes and how to act... well, for the most part. She was the one who was supposed to be sure-footed and confident, she was the one who was supposed to help guide Akko when she got lost.

She'd done none of that. All along, it had been Akko who was guiding her. It had been Akko who took her hand and led her down the path they were on, and it had been Diana who let her go and fell away.

How was she just now realizing?

Instead, she had taken the trust that Akko had so willingly given her and shattered it. She had let herself drown in her own fear, had let herself run from possibilities on the basis of other possibilities. To hear that Akko had been just as scared, was just as scared, was something that she hadn't even considered. And why wouldn't she be scared? It was her first time, her first relationship, her first everything. And Diana had given her every reason to be.

Diana stumbled back into the lobby, her whole body numb and quivering from the cold, and back to their room. She could hear the water running in the washroom, the splash of relatively stagnant water as Akko climbed inside the tub. Of course she was taking a bath—she was likely frozen to the bone—and Diana felt the urge to join her. To soak in the warmth of the bath and in Akko's presence, to just be with her.

Prove it. Prove you're not going to run again.

Fear was there. After all, hadn't she ruined everything? In a single moment she had thrown herself from the shortest odds to the longest, had fallen into the territory of risking so much for so very little. There was a long path ahead of her, but she could do this. Akko deserved somebody who would fight for her, somebody who would go to her instead of making Akko come to them.

Brick by brick, she would rebuild this.

Her skin quivered with nervous anxiety as she stepped hesitantly through the door, feeling the steam of the hot bath wash over her. The mirror was already fogged, a blessing in itself because Diana did not want to see the current state of herself, and the air was muggy with heat. It felt good.

Akko was sitting in the tub, one arm wrapped around legs pulled to her chest, the other resting on the ledge in an attempt to keep her cast away from the water. Diana must have startled her, because she jumped, water sloshing everywhere, and nearly dropped her arm. Red eyes met her own and Diana offered a weak smile, hugging herself as she tensed her jaw to try to stop how hard her teeth were chattering. Her heart was beating fast with nervous energy and she squirmed beneath Akko's gaze.

"Hey," Diana said. "C-can I..." She didn't know how to ask to join Akko. She felt vulnerable, frightened, like a child asking a mother for something she knew she very much didn't deserve.

But Akko already knew her question, already read her in that way that made her nervous, and said, "If you want."

She peeled her t-shirt and sweatpants away, shivering as her skin was exposed to the air, and stood before Akko much in the way Akko had stood before her earlier that night. She'd been naked in front of Akko before, sure, but never like this, never when the unknown stretched so far between them, and she felt herself shrinking into herself as the other girl's eyes ran over her body.

Diana climbed into the tub, holding back a sigh of relief at the heat of the water against her still-cold skin, and sank down into it at the opposite end of Akko. She mimicked the brunette's pose, pulling her knees to her chest, making sure to leave the distance between them intact as she let the silence grow just as far.

Akko was so close and yet felt so far away, so barely-there, that Diana felt a lump building in her throat as she lay her head down against one knee and watched the other girl. She was disconnected, far away, the wall between them so very palpable and so very real that Diana felt as though she were to reach forward she would find that invisible barrier holding her away.

It was not hard for Diana to find Akko beautiful. She was. She was natural and easy and so very nice to look at that the flutter in her chest had become commonplace. But as Diana gazed on, she found more. There were flaws in that perfection, there were scars in that beauty, and how ignorant had Diana been that she had focused on something else for so long that she hadn't seen them?

Could she really say that she loved Akko if she didn't know everything about her?

And so Diana decided she would start from the outside, she would learn everything that she possibly could because she wanted to learn everything. She wanted to know every single part of Akko, not just the ones that she could see, that she could feel. There were so many things that Diana had neglected to do on the path that led them to where they were now that the very thought of how much she'd failed crushed her lungs and made her breath stiff and weak.

She reached forward, her finger tracing over the longest scar she could see that wound across Akko's calf muscle and decided this is where she would begin, this is where she would find every single one of those flaws and learn to love them. She would find her own strengths in Akko's weaknesses, because what better way was there to build a foundation?

Akko looked up from where she'd been focused on her cast. Curious red eyes bore into her own, making the static grow louder in her own head as she stared back.

Diana would work from the outside in, slowly and with care, because there was no rush, there was no hurry. The first time she had sprinted full speed, had gone for what she wanted in the way that only served to fail her in the end. But she had a second chance, and this time she was going to enjoy the scenery.

This was where she would start.

She'd solidified her place as the top point earner for the 120cm Over Fences division and Miss Meridies was ecstatic. She'd rushed Diana in Beatrix's box as Diana was pulling the braids, engulfing her in a warm hug and a slew of praises that all melded together in one long, mumbling slur.

"You rode beautifully," Miss Meridies complimented, placing one hand on Beatrix's still sweaty neck and the other fondly on Diana's shoulder. "Absolutely gorgeous. If your points stand, you'll likely even take top point earner for the entire collegiate division."
Diana only nodded and offered a half-hearted smile. She would have liked to have been more proud of herself, but it wasn't as though she put much effort into it. In reality, it was Beatrix who deserved all the praise. It was her mare who had recovered from her suspensory tear not even a year ago to redeem herself in her placings, to put forth the same amount of effort as she had prior to her rehabilitation. Though Diana could claim some of the merit in her riding ability and equitation, it was truly Beatrix who carried her as a team.

If Diana had to tell the truth, her partnership with her mare was not equal. In many ways, she failed to carry the burdens that should have fallen on her, instead putting them off and relying on the strength of Beatrix. She saw that now.

She had resumed caring for her mare, carefully flexing each leg and checking for any points of soreness or heat, when the sound of the box door opening and closing brought her attention away from her task.

"Hey," Akko said, smiling sheepishly and clutching a styrofoam cup in her good hand. "I know it's cold, so I brought you some tea." She held it forward, greeting Beatrix with a gentle coo as the mare stepped forward to investigate. "It might not be that hot anymore because I kinda got hung up watching Wangari's round, but..." she trailed off, looking down and shuffling her feet.

"Thank you." Diana's hands fell from Beatrix's soft skin and she took the offered tea, fingers dancing over the foam. It wasn't that hot anymore, Akko was right, but she would drink it all the same. She leaned against her mare's shoulder, taking in the warmth of her body and looking anywhere that wasn't Akko.

"You rode... really well," Akko said, stepping forward to close her hand around Beatrix's face and gently scratch at her forehead. "And Hannah said you're top in points. Congratulations."

Diana could feel the heat of a blush dusting her cheeks. She raised her eyes to meet Akko's just as she had in the middle of one of her classes. Akko had been sitting there the whole time, hunched in her coat and shivering in the cold as she watched. It had been the first time she'd ever seen Akko watch her ride and it had fueled her with a determination that she hadn't felt before. She'd poured everything she had into focusing on herself, on the mare beneath her, and looking as perfect as she possibly could. Had she been trying to impress Akko? Prove something? Maybe a mix of both. She wasn't sure. But those red eyes had met hers and the hint of a smile had played at the other girl's lips as Diana had bowed her head mid-stride in acknowledgment and thought about how Akko was looking on for the rest of her ride.

"Thank you," she repeated. Her breath had shallowed and she searched Akko's face, running over the tired eyes and the shadows that were still there just like they were before, at the unbrushed hair that fell from beneath the bomber had she had pulled low over her brow. She held back the urge to reach forward, to touch that soft cheek and push the hair out of her eyes. Everything was awkward but she had nobody to blame but herself. This was her fault, this was her doing, and the responsibility fell solely on her shoulders.

"Do you need any help?" Akko asked. She rotated onto her heels, fingers tracing down the thin white stripe of Beatrix's face. "I have some time."

Diana glanced at her mare. Beatrix had already been fully cared for, but she really didn't want Akko to leave. "You can brush her if you want," Diana said, throwing a glance at Akko's casted arm—it was about all the other girl could do in her state—and nodding to her grooming box beneath the feed bucket.

Akko glanced at Beatrix's already groomed body, one eyebrow raising quizically, but she obeyed nonetheless. She plucked a brush out of Diana's kit and began to slowly run it over the mare's body, carefully paying attention to her girth area and where the saddle had once been. They fell into a silence, Akko brushing over Beatrix's still damp hair, Diana running her hands down legs, over ligaments and muscles, trying to focus on inspecting her mare but failing miserably in the presence of the other girl.

Akko stepped around to the same side, her movements steady and deliberate, careful to focus on every single place on the mare's body that Diana had already groomed. Her legs were so close and Diana's breath shallowed as she shivered in the proximity of the brunette. Eyes trailed up muscular legs to find Akko looking down at her and she froze, hands wrapped around Beatrix's pastern, the skin cool and soft beneath her touch.

Akko squated down, her bad arm pressing tight against Diana's, her breath warm as it ghosted against her. Diana's heart was beating hard and she wanted so desperately to close that gap-

"Do you want to ride back to Luna Nova with me?" Diana asked. She just wanted time with Akko. To be near her. She didn't care if they were doing everything or nothing at all.

"I can't," Akko replied after a beat. "I should really be with the team."

Diana nodded. She had expected that much. She stood, straightening her legs and working out the kinks that had popped into her knees from squatting so long, and rolled her shoulders. Akko followed suit, the brush falling to her side as she leveled Diana with crimson eyes.

"But... I was wondering." Akko looked nervous. She reached up and scratched at the back of her neck, flushed bright red as she kicked at a handful of hay on the ground. "I was just, um, wondering..." she started again, bright eyes flashing with worry as she met Diana's neutral stare, "if you wanted to... go out... this week. Sometime. With me."

Diana let out a long sigh, feeling her whole body weaken at the question. Akko wanted to go out with her. Even... after everything, she still wanted to spend time with her. Her blood was on fire as it ran through her veins and she shivered into her coat.

"If you don't want to," Akko said, backpeddling with the lack of response, "I get it, you can just tell me, I was just... I don't know. I... still want to. Try. I want to try. If you do."

"Yes," Diana breathed without hesitation. "I want to."

"Okay. Okay, good." Akko chuckled, looking down and fiddling with the brush in her hand. "Is there... anything you want to do in particular?"

Diana shook her head. She could hear shuffling on the outside of the box, could hear the yells of her teammates as they started gathering their horses to load into the van and head home.

"Diana," Barbara called from the aisle. She caught sight of Akko standing next to her and took a step back, blushing as she said, "Oh, uh, sorry. We're just... ready. When you are."

She nodded back. She was ready to get home. She was ready to get back to her routine, to put her head back to where it needed to be, to make everything right again. When Barbara was gone down the aisle with Belle, Diana took a deep breath and brought her eyes back to meet Akko's.

"Anything," she said at last, wanting so badly to touch her. "Anything at all."

Their flat was tense, unspoken words permeating the air in the space that the three girls shared, lingering like a cloud of poison between the small talk and hasty greetings.

Hannah still wasn't talking to her and she didn't blame the other girl. She'd either spent a majority of her time out with Amanda or hiding in her room, the latter of which she was currently doing. Even Barbara had been avoiding both of them, careful to either spend her time studying in her room or across campus on the library.

Diana curled up in her father's leather armchair, tucking her legs neatly underneath her, Mini Beatrix cuddled up in her arms as she leaned back against the soft cushion. Her mobile was clutched tight in one hand as she stared down at the messages she'd shared with Akko over the past week.

Not that they were talking much. She'd hardly seen her at all, save for a few fly-bys at the barn, and Akko wasn't texting her as much as... well, as much as she used to. The good morning texts and the good night texts were still there, but the stretches between messages during the day seemed to grow with the stab of sadness that shrouded her. It was like Akko was scared to talk, was scared to make contact beyond what she knew was acceptable, and the memory of what it had once been like made Diana's chest throb with an ache of loneliness that was almost worse than before.

Her message from earlier had still gone unanswered.

Diana 19:29

Tomorrow still?

They'd planned to get together Friday evening. Just a beer at Last Wednesday, nothing fancy, though every thought about the upcoming... date?-was it a date?-made her shake with a nervous anxiety that was worse than when she'd first started talking to Akko at all.

The sound of a door cracking open drew her attention away from her phone and she glanced up to see Hannah stride into the kitchen with a couple of dirty glasses. Hazel eyes fell on her for a moment before her roommate quickly looked away as though Diana wasn't there to begin with.

They couldn't keep doing this. They couldn't keep dancing around the elephant in the room. Diana took a deep breath and dropped her phone on Mini Beatrix's soft body, sliding out of the armchair and following Hannah into the kitchen.

Hannah was dumping her glasses into the dishwasher, dressed in nothing but an oversized t-shirt and a pair of boxers that Diana had the distinct suspicion she stole from Amanda, her hair tied back into a loose ponytail. She jumped when she realized Diana was behind her, back crashing into the counter as one hand flew to her heart.

"Bloody hell, Diana, can you not?" she puffed out, taking a deep breath as she set down one of the glasses in her hands. "You came out of nowhere."

"I apologize," Diana said carefully, taking a step back and blushing as she dipped her head. "I just... wanted to see if you'd be interested in having a conversation."

Hannah sighed, shutting the dishwasher and moving to the fridge to grab a fresh bottle of seltzer water. "And what do you want to talk about?"

Diana leaned up against the counter, feeling the marble cold beneath her thin shirt, and raised her eyes to Hannah. The other girl was moving about as though she was ready to go back to her room, carefully avoiding Diana's stare. "I wanted to apologize."

"No need," Hannah said, her voice terse as she made a move to leave. "You did nothing to me."

"Stop." Diana's hand shot out and she grabbed Hannah's upper arm, holding her back with pleading eyes. "I know I said some hurtful things. I apologize. I was... not in a good place."

Hannah froze, letting out a heavy sigh as she rocked back and finally turned to face her. "I get that, Diana. I really do. You don't need to apologize for that. I've done it, too." She pursed her lips and looked down at the bottle of water in her hand, fingers twisting over the top as she thought about what to say next. "I'm not mad at you. I just..." she trailed off, frowning and looking down at her bare feet shuffling on the marble floor. "I just don't like who you become when you... get like that."

The words stung. She ran a hand through her hair and glanced away, planting her palms against the edges of the counter as she sank back. "I know," she said after a moment. "I don't, either."

"I've been there." Hannah set the bottle down and settled against the counter next to Diana. "So I really do get it. But you can't just stop moving forward because something set you back." Diana could see her jaw working as she chewed through her next words. "I know it sounds hypocritical for me to say. That's why I was trying to get you to listen this whole time. Akko is great, both Barbs and I have talked about it, and..." She hesitated. "I really liked who you were when you were with her, you know?"

Diana said nothing. And not because she disagreed, but because she liked herself better when she was with Akko, too. And yet she had thrown it away, she had thrown everything away as though it meant nothing and there she was trying to rebuild something that she had willingly broken except she wasn't sure she had enough glue-

"Akko told me you guys spoke," Hannah said.

"She did?" Diana glanced up, gnawing at her bottom lip as she scanned her friend's face. "You talked to her?"

"Of course." Hannah shrugged, eyebrows stitching together as though what she was saying was obvious. "Why would I not?"

Diana frowned. She pushed herself away from the counter, folding her arms cautiously over her chest as she eyed her roommate. "I didn't know you and Akko were that close."

"We're not that close," Hannah countered. "But Akko's nice and she'll talk to anybody who will listen." She plucked her water bottle back up and unscrewed it to take a quick sip.

She was right. Akko was sweet and never had anything to hide. She was an open book. Her fingernails dug into the soft skin of her arms as she cautiously met Hannah's eyes once more. "What did she say?"

"Just that you spoke, really," Hannah muttered. Her voice softened as she added, "She still really likes you. A lot. So if you're asking if you still have a chance with her, then I... I think you do."

"Okay." Diana let out a long sigh and swallowed back the fear that had worked its way into her throat. "Good."

"Yeah." Hannah pushed herself away from the counter. She seemed hesitant, like there was something else that she wanted to say that she couldn't quite get out. Finally, she glanced back at Diana. "But I will tell you that if you want her back, you may want to step up your game."

Diana blinked up. "What?"

Hannah smiled sadly, fidgeting with the bottle in her hands before finishing with something that made the haze of her brain burst anew:

"She's been talking to Avery a lot. And... they seem to be getting along pretty well."

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Diana 19:29

Tomorrow still?

Akko 20:23

yes

Diana 20:25

I can't wait.

Diana 21:13

Are you there?

Akko 21:14

yes sorry i'm busy

Diana 21:15

Alright, sorry, I'll leave you be.

Diana 22:57

Goodnight, Akko.

Akko 22:58

goodnight diana

Friday, December 7, 2018

Aunt Daryl 05:55

We need you here this weekend. Sale of broodmares finalized,

need your signature for approval Saturday morning or buyer

backs out.

Diana stared down at the text message that she'd received, curling up beneath her sheets. It was still dark outside and her room was cold and quiet but at least the covers around her still held a little bit of warmth. She held Mini Beatrix tight, frowning deeply.

She'd been trying to sell the whole lot of their Hanoverian broodmares for quite some time. There was little in the way of making money off the warmbloods, mostly because it took years of training to get the youngsters trained and ready to go at a level that barely even brought them out in the green, and so both she and Aunt Daryl had decided it wasn't worth it to keep them. The only problem, though, was the Estate, including the breeding facility, belonged solely to her. A few years ago Aunt Daryl would have been able to sign for her as a legal guardian, but now it was up to her to finalize sales such as this.

That meant... she had to leave tonight. For Leeds. It was a five hour drive one way and so she'd have to leave directly after her last class.

Which also meant she wouldn't be able to go to Last Wednesday with Akko.

She pinched the bridge of her nose and leaned forward, rolling her jaw in thought as she considered her options. Not that she really had any. She had to go back to Leeds, there wasn't any other choice. She could drive back as soon as she signed the papers on Saturday morning, just after seeing the herd off, but driving that far back-to-back within 12 hours would be absolutely miserable.

But if she had company, good company, it wouldn't be that bad.

She waited until Hippotherapy. She wasn't uncouth, she knew better than to text or call Akko that early in the morning, and so when Akko settled into the chair next to her (she'd at least moved back beside her, which was a comfortable feeling even though they didn't really talk the entire class), she let her pen fall to her notebook and turned to face the brunette with the spark of determination that she'd managed to summon while she waited.

"Hey, Akko?"

Akko glanced up from where she was bent over and pulling her books out of her satchel. "Hm?"

"I, um..." Well, this was going well already. She realized suddenly that she was about to cancel their date, if it even was a date, and invite the girl on a cross country trip. But Akko would certainly say yes, right? A spur of the moment adventure seemed right up the brunette's alley. "I can't go out with you tonight."

"Oh."

The look of surprise on Akko's face made the guilt inside her surge. She folded her hands together in her lap, twisting them nervously as she looked away. "I'm sorry, I have urgent business with the Estate and I have to leave pretty quickly after class..."

"It's okay, Diana." Akko's forced smile made that knife of guilt twist. "I understand."

"Do you want to come with me?" Diana blurted, raising her eyes to meet Akko's. "I could show you the Estate and we could have a nice weekend there. I'll take you for a ride and I'm sure you'd really like Leeds, downtown is beautiful-"

"I can't."

What?

Diana blinked, platinum eyebrows knitting together as she scanned Akko's face. She thought it would be a nice getaway for them. It would be a good chance for her to rekindle the flame she'd put out, a good place to get away from Luna Nova and the expectations of school and friends and just be together.

But Akko looked serious.

"I can't, I'm sorry," she repeated. She pulled out her notebook and opened it to her page of notes from last class—she'd been taking notes much more diligently since Diana had taught her how—and stared down at the block of messy handwriting. "I have an exam and a research paper due on Monday," she added. "I'm sorry."

"I could help you study," Diana said quickly. "And I'll help you with your paper. I won't do it for you, but I can review it for you and-"

"I can't," Akko said again. She looked downcast, her lips tugging in a straight line as she sketched at her notes with her pen. Her brunette hair hung, long and straight, over the side of her face and shielded her eyes as she traced over the same letter over and over again. "I'm sorry."

"Right," Diana murmured. "I understand."

At that moment she cursed her family, her duty, the Estate that she was in charge of even though she was too young to hold that kind of responsibility. She cursed her luck, the poor decisions she'd made, herself.

And as Akko's mobile flashed with a message and Diana glanced over to see Avery's name as Akko typed out a hasty reply with a fleeting smile across her face, she knew that she had much more to do than curse. She had to try. She had to prove.

It would be a long road to Leeds, a long road alone, and as Diana settled down behind the wheel of her Mazda and the road blurred together through tears, she decided that she would stay on that road, she would stay on that path, would stay the course that she had stumbled away from.

Akko said she would be there waiting. And so Diana just had to trust, she had to believe, and more than anything she had to close her eyes and make that leap.

She could do that. She knew now that she could.

But it would still be a long road to Leeds and an even longer road home.