a/n: still not smeyer
sorry to those of you who i told would get an update on sunday. i got busy and couldn't finish typing this out, plus i had other things i wanted to add as edward spoke to me (aka cried like a little bitch. don't worry i comforted him thoroughly)
thanks again to bellaslover for giving me the male perspective. even if edward was a little bitch to me, he didn't want to sound girly to all you sexy ladies. he's a man. real men cry...right?
and always muchas gracias and erotic spanks for mskathy for being my unofficial official PT beta. i love mah future gay bf.
i haven't pimped in awhile. and i really need to.
my homegirl lipsmacked writes, IMO, the best AU fic where Bella and Vampward push their boundaries before their wedding. It's called Baby Steps. Read and review bc that girl deserves love.
also, Behind Enemy Lines by adorablecullens is such an amazing fic. it's now complete (besides an epilogue i think) and it is so effing good. i fangirl over it. srsly, it is so. effing. good. read it and you will fall in love with balticward, i guarantee it.
now, let's take it back some...with what i think you have been waiting for...at least for the most part *evil grin*
EPOV
I never planned on this happening… any of this.
I wasn't supposed to meet a girl.
Get distracted.
Fall in love.
Fear which schools accepted me because it could take me away from the girl.
Despise myself for following the dream I had carried with me for as long as I could remember.
Attending Johns Hopkins wasn't my dream anymore; Bella was. She was my past, my present, but no longer my future. All because I left her. Like the big fuck up I am, I left her.
Why did I leave her? Why? Bella told me she wanted to come with me. At the airport, as I tried to gently end things with her, she was so insistent about coming with me. Every time I tried to tell her, she interrupted about everything she'd have to do in order to get to Maryland. Every time her mouth opened to state her annoyance at what she had to do, my heart broke.
So I told her that I didn't want her to come with me. It was the biggest fucking lie I had ever told in my life. I wanted nothing more than for her to come with me. But she couldn't…because she only thought she knew what she wanted. I didn't think she should come with me because I refused to allow her to give up on her own dream just for me… for someone so unworthy of her love and devotion. Deep down, I knew that what she needed was to stay, or she may grow to resent me in the future.
But any thoughts of our relationship ending amicably flew out the window. She would fight me, I knew it. The fact that she would fight for us made me hurt even more, because deep down I wanted her to. But I had to be strong, cut things off…rip the band aid off quickly so to speak. If I could make a clean break, it would hopefully not hurt her as bad. I never wanted to hurt Bella.
The only problem was, after telling her that I did not want her to come with me, Bella mistook my words for rejection.
"You…don't…want…me?"
I was completely shocked. She thought I didn't want her? How could she think that? I had never wanted someone as much as her, and never would. My eyes flew to her face, bewildered at how quickly she could dismiss my feelings.
"No. I…" I began, but stopped short when I saw her expression. There was so much hope there…hope and desire and trust. If I told her that I still wanted her, she'd never let me go out there alone.
"You what, Edward?"
I still want you.
I still love you.
Come with me.
Even though you shouldn't.
"I should've done this a long time ago." I should have broken things off the minute I discovered I was accepted into my dream school. Only I was afraid that if I did that, and still saw her every day with my family and friends, it would be too hard to stay away. "This relationship was a bad idea from the beginning." I had to take a moment to stop. My thoughts were everywhere. My brain was telling me one thing and my heart another. "You were a bad idea…"
That was definitely not what I had meant to say. I wanted to tell her how I was a bad idea. I was the one who was making all the mistakes. I was never good enough for her, especially knowing that I would have to leave some day. But once the words were out there, there was no taking them back.
So I watched as the most beautiful face I had ever laid eyes on crumpled in pain. I could almost see the heartbreak; that complicated, vital organ shattering into pieces too small to fit back together.
I could not let it show that mine had done the same. Perhaps it had hardened, turned to stone, stopped beating. She was the reason for my heart's movement. Without her, why would such a thing need to function…to exist? I would leave it with her anyway.
Obviously I should've just stayed at NU. For some reason I thought I needed to go to the "school of my dreams" in order to live the life I wanted. That if I did not attend Johns Hopkins, my life would be incomplete.
I thought a clean break with Bella would spare both of us unnecessary pain. So I chose to leave for Maryland early, an internship of sorts that Carlisle set up with an old friend. I could focus on learning more about the school there, about field work, and ultimately lose myself in thoughts other than Bella.
Bella's hair.
Bella's eyes.
Bella's lips.
Bella's scent.
Bella's body.
Bella's love.
It didn't work though. All of my thoughts surrounded Bella. There was no escaping her presence. Bella was embedded in my mind no matter how I tried to lose myself in work. My focus was gone. My drive to succeed completely disappeared. How could this be what I wanted when I felt so horrible all the time?
Hindsight is 20/20, isn't it?
It had been three weeks since I'd left Bella at the airport and my entire world as I knew it had slipped away. Bella had called obsessively the first week I was gone. Each time my phone rang out I cringed. My hand snaked out, to betray what my mind was commanding: Don't answer. My heart wanted to rule me, make me answer. I had sufficiently hurt it enough, bludgeoned it close to death.
So my hand always stayed, obeying.
The first messages made me break down in tears. She hadn't realized that no one knew of our break up. She didn't know what to tell Alice; neither did I. When she called back to apologize for telling me she loved me? I felt my heart tear right down the middle. Bella should never be sorry she loved me.
She called later to tell me she had stayed strong all through the wedding because she couldn't bear to ruin her dad's day. She didn't want him to hate me unjustly, but he should. I tore his daughter's heart out right before she would be celebrating a happy occasion…his wedding.
God, Bella...
The most loving, thoughtful, selfless woman. Even after what I did, she still cared more about me than herself. Why? Why should she love me so much? I am a monster.
Other messages were harder, most of them containing little to no speech, just Bella's soft cries. I joined her through those messages, gut literally wrenching, retching with the powerful sobs that escaped me. I cried more often and harder in these past weeks than I had ever in my entire life. Nothing inside me told me I was less of a man for the tears I shed. It was all for Bella. If I could not give her my love, I could at least give her my tears, even if she'd never see them, never know how hard this was on me.
The calls turned to texts, and then eventually she stopped contacting me at all.
Which worried me.
She wouldn't do anything rash would she?
I called Alice, who was beyond furious, and begged her to check on Bella. Alice yelled at me for over an hour, stating that she had been checking up on Bella and what exactly did I think she would be doing since they were friends, just ditch her in her time of need? She would never hurt Bella like that.
Ouch. Alice knew how to cut deep.
She informed me that Bella was doing as well as could be hoped. I relaxed at the news, if only marginally.
To comfort myself, I sought solace in a place I had not turned to for some time. Music. The dusty keyboard was wiped clean and used more in those three weeks than it had been in three years.
Music poured from my fingers like water. I couldn't help but think of Bella as I played. Somehow it eased my ache. I didn't tell Bella the truth, the depth of my feelings when I left, but I could do so here, even if she never heard the notes.
The music described us. From the organized chaos that was our beginning to slow hesitant arpeggios of our new relationship. Then with powerful swells to attest our love and physical intimacy, but the music turned melancholy. Beautiful but sad, bitterly so. Each time I played, the song ended abruptly, no clear resolution, just chords lingering in the air.
Because that's what happened, wasn't it? I had cut things off too soon.
--
I didn't want to be here anymore and everyone knew it. The hospital staff wondered if I was ill, so dark were the circles under my eyes and so pale the skin stretched across my bones. Other students, planning ahead like me, whispered behind my back. They all said the same thing, that I wasn't cut out for such a grueling program.
Hearing my family was the worst though. Emmett had threatened to come out and kick my ass if I didn't come back soon and make Bella better. I hadn't actually believed him until I heard Rose in the background on the phone with the airlines. Alice called every single day. I suspected she was doing the same with Bella, trying to keep us close in any way possible, even if it was only through our mutual connection to her. Carlisle was so disappointed in me. I could hear it in his voice. He told me he would never push me to do something I was not ready for. Esme begged me to come home, to right the wrong I had done. She was crying almost as hard as I had been on the phone. Only, she couldn't hear me. The only evidence of my crying came from the full body shaking as silent sobs overtook me.
But Bella wasn't in Evanston. She wasn't even in the state of Illinois. She had stayed in Forks. No doubt because of me.
Then Carlisle called me out of the blue.
"Edward, enough is enough. It's time you leave and go get her. I think you're ready now."
"Dad she doesn't want…"
"Of course she wants you son. Stop beating yourself up so much. Go to her and beg her to take you back."
"Dad she doesn't deserve to be with someone who won't be around. School and interning will keep me from her. I can't do that, ask her to sacrifice so much."
"Are you that blind? Do you not see she wants to do that? Bella would follow you to the ends of the earth."
"Dad, I…"
"Listen, Edward. You don't think I look back and regret the times I missed with your mother? That I left her by herself too often, to care for you and your siblings with little to no help because I was caring for other people's families instead? But I did what I did because I felt it was right. Yes, we had to work hard to stay together. We struggled, we fought, but we made it. If you love someone so strongly, you find strength to do what needs to be done. Do you understand that?"
I sat and listened to everything my father had to say. He had been through all of this before. How could I think that I was the only person ever to face the dilemma I was in? He was so insistent that Bella did want me, that she really did want to be wherever I was. We could work this out if we tried hard enough, worked hard enough.
"Yes."
And all of a sudden, I did understand. It was as if the thick fog clouding my judgment had finally lifted all the way.
Things were finally beginning to make sense to me. After three weeks of being emotionally worn down, I realized how completely fucked up my logic had been. The pain felt on all sides of this situation was caused by me. The stupidity of not discussing our future more thoroughly was a result of my avoidance. The fear of the unknown that had caused the stupidity was all on me - my stupid, unfounded fears. Bella had tried to tell me that she wanted to stay with me, I just chose not to listen.
"So what are you waiting for?"
I didn't worry about really packing. Clothes weren't necessary. If need be, I'd buy some. I only brought the one thing I needed, checking the awkward item on arrival. I was on a flight heading to Washington before nightfall.
--
I got in late, the flight seemingly taking years before touchdown in Seattle. There was no silver Volvo to take me speedily towards Bella. I had to settle on a silver Ford Focus that, if I squinted hard enough, kind of looked like my car. The drive to Forks was not much quicker. If I didn't know better, I'd say it took days to finally get there.
I checked in to a small inn outside Forks, but I couldn't sleep. I decided to find Charlie's house. I wanted to make sure Bella was indeed staying there. As I approached the small traditional, I slowed, noticing the soft glow of light coming through a window on the side of the house.
That would be perfect.
I sat in my rental car on the opposite side of the street, waiting until I saw the light go off. Sure she was sleeping, I drove back to my small room to allow myself the same privilege. Hopefully this time tomorrow I would have Bella with me, in my arms, where she belonged. I just needed her to forgive me first.
The next day dawned bright and sunny, something I wasn't expecting based on Bella's descriptions of the small town. I drove back towards Bella's house, parking a few blocks away, just in case. I stayed hidden behind a wall of branches and bushes, watching as Bella, slight smile on her angel's face, stepped outside to drink in the sun's rays.
Her skin was glowing. God, she was gorgeous. My dreams fell short of her real beauty.
I watched with rapt attention as she lay down on a blanket to read. I moved in closer to try and catch what book it was. I didn't recognize it by the dark cover, though judging by her facial expressions, she was really into it. So engrossed was she, that when her phone rang next to her, she jumped. I almost chuckled out loud at how adorable she was, but then I remembered I was trying to stay out of sight.
Shit, if anyone saw me, they'd either think I was casing the joint or was some perverted peeping Tom.
Well I was kind of guilty on both counts, wasn't I?
To my immense displeasure, Bella hurried back into the house. Out of nowhere a small VW Rabbit came pulling up to the house. A tall boy with long, black hair stepped out of the car. Instantly recognizable, despite the fact that the one and only time I'd seen him had been through a web camera…
Jacob Black.
He knocked on the door, tapping his foot impatiently. As soon as Bella opened the door, the boy pulled her into a bone crushing hug. I saw her wince and slap him until he let go. Her hand went to her side, touching a spot by her ribcage tenderly.
Did that dog hurt her? I'll fucking kill him if he did!
I stared on as the boy led her into his small, rusty car. That hunk of metal had nothing on the Volvo. My mind just could not even fathom the idea that my Bella could be on a date with him.
But she isn't my Bella anymore, is she?
Shaking that thought away, I waited until they were out of sight before flat out running to my car. The urge to follow was undeniable. I made sure to keep a safe distance so as not to give myself away as not only a peeping Tom but a stalker as well.
The car headed towards the freeway, speeding up once it reached the three lanes. My mind worried for Bella's safety, not knowing how well the boy could drive. He probably just barely acquired his license. I continued to allow a few cars between us, though never losing sight of the rusted car carrying the most precious cargo inside. A sign indicated the exit for a town named Port Angeles, and I watched the Rabbit change lanes to get off there. Many cars followed suit, and I assumed the town was either rather populous or a popular attraction for tourists.
I followed the car and found myself entering a small downtown area. I decided this part of Port Angeles, at least, was dedicated for those who did not reside here. It seemed the sunshine had brought everyone out today. Pedestrians were walking out between cars, into crosswalks or in the middle of the street, and I found myself having to stop several times in order to let them pass. I felt panic rise up in my chest as I no longer saw the Rabbit in front of me.
Cursing, I weaved in and out of traffic as effectively as I could. Mothers with their children in strollers glared as I raced through the crowded streets. The speed limit was only 15 mph and I was going…well, much faster than that. I ventured down streets that held small cafes, a theater, other souvenir shops, and every other tourist trap possible. Nothing. I even spotted a bookstore several blocks out of the way during my perusal of the small town. If I knew Bella, and I'd like to think that I did, she would want to visit there. But as I pulled up to the bookstore, I noticed it probably didn't hold the kind of books Bella would choose to read. Another dead end.
I drove on for several more minutes, panic starting to sink in. Where could they be? I started widening my search circle, venturing towards the less frequented parts of town. After rounding a corner I finally spotted it, the VW Rabbit that had eluded me for far too long. Bella and the boy, however, were not inside. After a split second of indecision, I decided to park and walk around the area to try and spot them inside one of the local businesses. Though I can't imagine what they would be doing down here.
Leaving a less than ideal tavern, I spotted long mahogany hair a block away from where I was. The Jacob boy was still at her side, leading her through the increasing crowd as they entered the more popular part of town, with his hand on her lower back. I growled as I took in the sight before me, speeding up so I could keep an eye on them. Quickly guessing where they were headed, I turned off onto a different street. As soon as I was alone I broke into a run, wanting to cross back over and pass by the two of them.
They must have stopped to window shop some, because I found myself approaching the intersection at the same time as they did, even though I was hoping to reach it just after they passed it. Bella was looking straight ahead and I was suddenly very nervous for her to see me. How would I explain my presence?
Bella, I made a mistake so I decided to come out to Forks and beg you to forgive me and take me back. How did I know you were in Port Angeles? Oh, well you see, it's kind of funny. I was staring at you while you read outside and just so happened to see this kid come pick you up and drive you away. I decided to follow you guys. That's not weird, right?
Yeah right. That was not how I had planned things. She couldn't see me yet. My feet picked up the pace, carrying me past them and down a side street, hopefully out of view. When I thought I had gotten far enough from the main road, I turned to look behind me. No Bella. I was both relieved and disappointed. Honestly, I didn't want her to see me yet. Tonight. Tonight would be the time to redeem myself, when she would hopefully see my regret and tell me she still loved me as much as I loved her.
--
The day had been so long. I caught up with Bella and Jacob shortly after my scare. He kept dragging her around town. Every time Bella asked to rest, slightly rubbing her feet once she had a seat, I winced. What the fuck was this kid playing out? She was tired. She definitely needed to go home. The sooner she got home, the sooner I could set my plan into action.
But what if he doesn't leave? What if she invites him inside?
My stomach churned at the thought. She wouldn't. She didn't like him like that. How many times had Bella told me she thought of him as a brother? And none of her actions gave off the "more than friends" vibe. I had to try and stay calm, relaxed, and have faith that she did not want the boy.
I followed them back into Forks, not distancing myself as much as I should have. I was too anxious. The sooner we got back to Bella's, the sooner Jacob would leave, the sooner I could beg for forgiveness. The Rabbit pulled into the driveway as I passed by the house quickly, hoping not to get noticed. I parked a few blocks over and doubled back towards Bella's as fast as my tired feet could carry me.
Bella was being led to her front door by the boy, his arm wrapped around her shoulders as he pressed her close to his side. Another growl was threatening to escape me, but I was too close, back behind the safety of the bushes and branches, and could be overheard; it was such a quiet night. Just as Bella was stepping up onto her porch, I saw her stumble and head towards the ground. On instinct my body lurched forward, wanting to catch her and keep her from harm. Before I could step out and give myself away, that stupid boy wrapped his arms around Bella and pulled her back onto her feet. He kept his arms around her a little too long for my liking. Bella must have been thinking the same as she tried to remove herself from his hold.
Jacob looked like he was in a daze, and I prayed to God it wasn't because of how close Bella's beautiful body had just been to his overly hormonal teenage one. I could just barely make out Bella's expression. She looked nervous at first. Her head tilted down and I wondered what she was looking at. When her head came back up I saw fear in her eyes. Words left the boy's mouth, though I couldn't quite make them out. Bella's expression turned bewildered as Jacob's hand traveled to her neck.
Don't touch her.
But his hand didn't stop to caress her or anything. His hand gripped onto something and pulled it away from Bella's body. The outside light on Bella's house caught the item in Jacob's hand, causing a faint glimmer to reach my eyes. Was that…
My necklace?
She was wearing it still. I had told her to never take it off, and she had kept the promise. That must mean…
"SO?!" Jacob's loud voice carried over to me unmistakably.
Bella looked taken aback and I wanted nothing more than to run over there and pull him away from her. No one should talk to Bella like that.
"SO?!" He repeated again. If he wasn't careful I was going to knock that fucker out. "Why does he deserve your promises? Bella he…is a piece of shit. The minute he left you at the airport, you should've ripped that necklace off and thrown it away. Why didn't you?" His words made me stop all thoughts. They were true.
I am a piece of shit. I do not deserve her. She could do so much better than me.
Before I could fall even deeper into my own self loathing, I saw tears start to gently streak down Bella's cheeks. If I were where Jacob was, my hands would surely go up to cup her beautiful cheeks, thumbs wiping away the tears before they fell too far.
Jacob continued questioning Bella's reason for wearing my necklace. I was probably more anxious to hear the answer, only I couldn't hear Bella. Her voice was so quiet that it did not reach my straining ears. I saw her shake her head slowly. Her eyes went up to Jacob's and she started to speak again. Her voice was growing louder, clearer in her conviction.
"…still love him."
There was no way to describe how I felt in that moment. Time had frozen for me, despite Bella and Jacob still conversing outside her door. Jacob left as Bella walked inside and shut the door. And I… I was still standing stock still, overcome with emotions. She had told him she still loved me. She still loves me! I was so happy. No, happy wasn't strong a enough emotion for it. I was on fucking cloud nine, flying high. I was so elated from her words. My heart wanted to explode from the joy I felt, and a handful of other expressions that probably made me sound stupid and girly. But they were true. I could not deny how I was just all around pleased at what she had just admitted.
Jacob was long gone and Bella was in her room. Her light was only on for minutes before being turned off again. I didn't know if that meant she had gone downstairs for something, or if she had gone to bed. It wasn't too late, but she had a long day in Port Angeles, I could see her going straight to bed. My Bella needed her sleep.
That's right, she is my Bella. No one else. Because she still loves me.
I walked towards the house, glad for the curtains drawn across her window. She wouldn't see me if she happened to look out the window. I leaned against the siding, waiting and watching. I wanted to make sure she was in her room. Waking her up was probably less than ideal. Bella was always grumpy when she didn't get her rest. I laughed, almost out loud, at the thought of a very irate and sleepy Bella. My smile widened when I thought that I could be so lucky to see that side of her soon. I was fucking giddy from Bella's words.
After I was sure she was in her room, no noise or light coming from any of the lower portion of the house, I hurried to my car. Popping the trunk before I got there, because I did not want to waste another minute, I threw myself at the heavy keyboard inside. Adrenaline was coursing through me with the anticipation of what I was about to do. The heavy instrument was light as a feather as I jogged back to the side of Bella's house. I set up the stand and placed my sole source of comfort for the past three weeks on top.
I rolled my neck, cracked my fingers and tried to shake off the nervous energy that was suddenly rushing through my body. The high I was on just moments ago was gone. She had said she loved me, but what if it was too little, too late? I couldn't believe how quickly my emotions had changed from being so sure and excited to questioning and nervous.
Deep breath, Cullen. You can do this.
My fingers went to the familiar keys, lightly running over them to familiarize myself. After several more deep breaths I began to play. I had chosen a song that would be recognizable to Bella, by a band we both liked, and that held meaning to our current situation. My eyes flickered up to the window, hoping to see her beautiful, small hand part the curtain and see me below. There was no movement.
She's probably still asleep.
Lyrics that I had long since memorized came out of my mouth, the words feeling heavy on my tongue as I poured my emotions out into song. As I sang, raindrops began to fall slowly, hitting the top of my head and shoulders, a few grazing my knuckles as I played on. But there was still no Bella at the window. I stared up at it until the rain fell harder, blurring my vision. My lids slid closed, not needing to look in order to play. I felt the song so strongly, a deeper meaning urging me to continue to play and sing; sing my heart out to the one woman who owned me, body and soul.
My voice grew in volume and intensity as I neared the part of the song that meant the most to me. Here was my apology, here was my heart for Bella to either accept or reject. It was no longer raining outside, but pouring as a strong wind came in and carried my words hopefully up to Bella's ears.
She couldn't still be asleep, could she?
The hair that Bella loved to touch so much fell in my face, plastered against my skin and just being generally annoying. But I didn't dare stop to swipe it out of the way. I could handle the discomfort of the rain and hair for her. As long as she heard my words and knew it was the truth I sang to her.
I was nearing the end of the song. I peeked out of one eye to gaze up at the window. Still no Bella there. Not even the glow of a light came through. I was getting worried now.
You're still all that matters to me.
My fingers hovered over the last chord, completely lost and feeling so fucking alone. My fears were being confirmed as Bella continued to ignore me, because what else could explain her absence? I did not believe she could sleep through that song. There was no way. She had to have heard me but chose to deny me her presence.
It wasn't good enough you fool. You hurt her so bad. Going all Lloyd Dobler on her was not fucking good enough.
Somewhere, in the depths of my despair, I realized that I had begun to play the piece composed for Bella. I had played it so many times that I did not even need to think about the movements of my fingers. My thoughts swirled around Bella and how I would never have her again. I felt the familiar tingling in my eyes and hated myself for crying as my tears mixed together with the rain. At least if someone saw me they wouldn't know any better.
Again I was reaching the end of my song to Bella. I must have, somewhere deep inside, been hoping Bella would come out once she heard a song she did not recognize. Maybe I was hoping she'd somehow know it was about her. But one final glance up to her window told me she was not coming, and again I played the last chord to a song that would only ever represent the woman inside of this house. The "end" came and went, leaving me feeling as confused and unresolved as the song did. I didn't know where to go from here. I didn't know how I would live my life knowing that I had fucked up the best thing that had ever happened to me. I only knew one thing.
Bella did not forgive me. Bella did not want me.
Too little, too late.
please, have a heart. tell me your heart aches just a little bit for edward...please? maybe you can love him again?
i'd just like to add in a quick .02 here: the thing with alice and bella. what you don' see in the last chapter are the rest of their conversations. alice doesnot just focus on trying to help bella realize edward still loves her. most of their convos happen like you'd expect, alice letting bella vent and bashing edward for being a complete douchebag. but the important parts are what got written in. bc that is what bella needs to hear most.
and...sorry if you continue to think i'm evil. you won't find out what song edward is singing til next chapter, when you see it thru bpov. it's better that way. trust me. i'll be posting the song tho on the twilighted thread for PT before the next chapter is up (not just yet but soon). so maybe you can pay a visit and check it out. otherwise you'll just have to wait :)