Author - lady_sapphire (at the Jedi Council forums)
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Anakin,

It's nice of you to offer to let me call you Ani, but I think I really should call you Anakin. Besides, I get the feeling you would prefer that anyways and it will help me start to realize that you aren't a little ten year old boy anymore.

I understand what your conflict with Obi-Wan is, I really do. You're not going to like this, but sometimes I feel the way you do when I'm speaking with Chancellor Palpatine. It always seems like he's never truly listening to what I have to say. It's as if he's just telling me what I want to hear and then turning around and doing something completely different than he said he would. It's beyond frustrating. You asked me before why I didn't trust him and it's difficult to pinpoint what exactly triggered it but it's been slowing building ever since the Trade Federation attacks on Naboo. I still find it very hard to believe that there was nothing he could do during the trials...the courts sided with the Trade Federation every single time. He's from Naboo for gods' sakes! That was his home planet being attacked and he did nothing to ensure it would never be attacked again by the Trade Federation. The only reason I can think of for his failure to act is because he had some hidden agenda. As I'm sure you can probably tell, this is still a very sore subject for me. But...I'm sorry, I didn't mean to rant...aynways, I do understand what it feels like to not have your ideas heard.

While you certainly make a valid point about the Senate and us not getting anything done, what else would you suggest? Would it better for us to let everyone fend for themselves? I suppose there's something to be said for using force to get things done but you still can't force someone to believe something or to not believe it. You can't force ideas on someone and I think that's the beauty of democracy. Everyone has the right to say what they believe and try to sway others to their point of view and everyone also has the right to dissent, to a certain degree. It's that freedom that keeps us from killing each other every day. Without that, there would be complete chaos, blood in the streets, and everyone would constantly be in danger. That's why I've been fighting so hard against the Military Creation Act. It's the potential for harm that I'm afraid of and what the power having a galactic army could do. I don't see any good from having an army like the one that's been proposed but I'm guessing you probably feel differently than I do.

That being said, I appreciate your acknowledgement of my work in the Senate. It definitely hasn't been easy but I do love my job. Just to part of something that matters, that could make a difference in at least one person's life, is enough to get me out of bed in the morning. And I have to say that I really respect the path you've chosen as well. To have overcome everything that you did to get where you are now (even if you think you should be further) is really extraordinary, Anakin. Even the Chancellor has told me how skilled you are...and even though I've had my conflicts with having the Jedi around me in the past, I'm glad you were the one chosen to protect me. In spite of everything, I feel safe you and I trust you to keep me from harm.

I'm sorry it was difficult for you at the Temple. I was hoping it wouldn't be. But it sounds like you did start to feel more comfortable there eventually. I don't know why but I just had this vision of you having the time of your life there, making friends left and right, and forgetting all about me. I'm sorry it wasn't like that for you. It's too bad your relationship with Obi-Wan has gone the way it has. I know you were dealing with having to leave your mother and your home behind but you should remember too that Obi-Wan was also having to deal with losing his Master and then suddenly being responsible for a ten year old boy he hardly knew. I'm not trying to make excuses for him; I'm just trying to help you.

I really have no idea who could be behind my attacks. I guess Count Dooku could be a possibility even though I've never had any interaction with him at all. Another strong possilbity is Nute Gunray, the former head of the Trade Federation. He probably hates me more than anyone else in the galaxy for the way things turned out for him. If I had to guess, I would probably say him just for the fact that he would want revenge against me for more personal reasons than political. I basically destroyed his career. I suppose that's a pretty good reason to want someone dead.

I understand what you meant when you said you can't live a life without emotions. My whole life seems to have been driven by emotions, albeit varying ones. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this whole Royal Force thing but it's completely powered by emotions. I feel things much more strongly than the average person, particularly empathy I've found, but I'm also able to maintain control over what I feel, which is extremely helpful in stressful situations. By being able to stay calm, I can stay focused, level-headed, and think things through before I act. I think it has a lot to do with why I've been able to be successful in politics. I know I've been called unemotional in the media before but that couldn't be further from the truth. I feel very strongly...I'm just better at controling it than most.

Given my own history with adoptive and birth families, I can understand why you wouldn't necessary want to get to know your brothers. After all, what effort did they make to find you? I guess, on the other hand, they might have thought you didn't want to be found. Maybe in a few years or so, after you've taken the trials and are settled in as a Jedi Master, you'll want to reach out to them. I know when my birth parents first contacted me, I was furious with them for giving me up and for my adoptive parents for lying to me for so many years. But I will never regret getting to know Sola. Having a sibling is a great gift and in your case, you have several.

I know you mentioned you'd like to meet my family and now that we're going to Naboo, I guess you will eventually. I took your advice and told them everything, even though I spared them some of the scarier details. Before I wasn't really telling them how much danger I was in because I didn't want to worry them but now I see I probably just made them even more worried by not telling them. I did tell them you were my protector; I know they've heard of you (you're still known as a hero on Naboo, you know) and I'm sure they would be honored to meet you. My sister, her children, my adopted brother Gwydion, and my best friend Sabe are also on Naboo right now and I would really like to see them as well if it's safe for them. The last thing I want to do is put them in any unnecessary danger but I would really like to see my family and I would really like you to meet them.

Thank you again for stopping the bounty hunter last night. I don't even want to think about what would have happened if you'd gotten there a second later. That was very brave of you to chase after the bounty hunter the way you did. It's too bad you couldn't have gotten the information you needed out of him before he was killed...maybe our lives wouldn't be so complicated right now. But I trust Obi-Wan will track down whoever hired the bounty hunter and then everything can just go back to normal.

Since you're asking for the benefit of my protection, no, I do not have a boyfriend. And no, I do not have an arranged marriage set up. I can marry whoever I want. Trust me, you don't have to worry about tagging along on any dates with me. I haven't had time for a boyfriend since...well, since I was fourteen I think. But seriously though, Anakin, I don't see what my personal life has to do with you and I don't appreciate your suggestion that someone I would choose to date could potentially want to kill me.

That being said, I really wish you would explain what all this talk about breaking the code is about. I just don't understand. How could you break the code with me? I understand you having an attachment to me since we were friends long ago but I don't see how that would affect you now and with this mission. Besides, it sounds like breaking the code would be alright with you. Why would you want to do that? You've always wanted to be a Jedi. Why would you risk that dream? And all your details about what you're looking for in a girl concerns me. I know that Jedi can't marry. They can't have girlfriends. They can't fall in love. Rules are rules, Anakin. You can't just pick and choose which ones you want to follow. You have to follow all of them or none of them. And I still don't see what this has to do with me. We're friends, aren't we? How does our friendship potentially break the code? I really wish you would be honest with me about this. I can tell you're hiding something from me and I really wish you wouldn't.

Well...I'm sorry if I've seemed rude or testy...but I think the stress of all these attacks is finally starting to take its toll on me. I guess everyone reaches their breaking point eventually. I'll be ready to leave soon. I know Queen Jamilla will want to see me as soon as we arrive to discuss my security. Also, I have a feeling she will suggest we stay at the Lake Retreat since it's in the country and not very easy to get to. Do you remember the Lake Retreat? Maybe we'll finally get to go on that picnic.

I'm sorry I didn't get to see your fish.

Padme