CPOV
At some point while I was telling Izzy what happened to me I had grabbed onto Jace's hand and I was now clutching it.
Izzy didn't say anything. She kept a blank face as she looked at me and it made me nervous.
Jace began rubbing his thumb in a circle over my knuckles in what I assume was to be a soothing gesture, but it did nothing to calm my nerves down.
I sat in apprehension as Izzy looked at us.
Just as I was about to ask her to say something she spoke up.
"Get out." She said coolly.
There was this weird calm to her demeanor. I'm not sure what exactly she's feeling, but I don't like the way she's acting.
"What? What do you mean 'get out.'"? I spluttered.
Where was I supposed to go? Just get up and leave and walk back to Jonathon's? I don't really want to go back to his house.
"Is this some sort of sick joke you two thought would be funny to play on me?" She snapped angrily her eyes darting to Jace.
She stood up swiftly and crossed her arms over her chest, "I miss Simon too! Don't you just fucking bring him up and tell me some shit that you think would make me feel bad for you Clary!" She yelled at me throwing her arms around.
"I'm not lying Izzy." I said quietly looking down at my lap.
I rolled up the sleeves of my jacket and showed my arms to her.
She looked at my arms and her face paled.
"Just get the fuck out Clary." She whispered turning around and walking away.
What did I do? How could this make her feel that bad?
If I thought I had fucked up before I was more wrong than I could have been. Not only had I lost Simon, but now I've lost Izzy too. I've lost two of the only people to care about me.
I stood up numbly, releasing Jace's hand, and began walking towards the door.
"Clary, wait up!" Jace called out to me catching up with me as I laid my hand on the doorknob.
He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"Hey, just let me go talk to Izzy, okay? Try to calm her down. Do you want me to give you a ride home?"
Home. Yeah, Jonathon's house is totally my home.
"It's not home." I muttered bitterly, "But no, I don't need you to drive me to Jonathon's."
I've never had a home. Not since I was younger. Maybe when Jocelyn was alive I could consider Valentine's house my home, but I couldn't when it was just the two of us.
I can't consider Jonathon's place my home either. He's not my dad, and he's only taking me in because of pity. It's not a home.
A home is supposed to be full of love, compassion, joy, anything other than pity or hate.
"I'm taking you home." Jace said firmly.
"Well if you weren't giving me a choice you shouldn't have fucking asked!" I snapped at him.
I wasn't directly mad at Jace. I was just nervous and frustrated.
Maybe telling Izzy wasn't the best idea I had.
Goddamn! I'm such a fucking idiot!
I turned around and banged my head on the door. Hard.
"Hey, hey!" Jace yelled grabbing the tops of my arms and turning me around again. "Don't do that!"
I just looked up at him blankly.
He sighed, "Let me go get my keys, and then I'll drive you to Jonathon's okay?"
"Yeah, whatever." I responded.
I have now chased off the only other person that was my friend. How can one person be so stupid?
God, I'm an idiot!
I guess I do have Jace now though.
Jace is my friend now, and he wants to help me get better. He wants to be like Simon.
The thought brought small smile to my face.
Having someone who I could feel comfortable with talking to, a person who would actually care about me and not just pity me.
Except, I've lost Izzy.
I scared her off because I'm a damn idiot!
Why did she react like that though? That seems pretty… wack even for her.
I didn't think that she'd just blow up in my face about it.
I thought that maybe she'd be more understanding. Not pity me, God I fucking hate pity, she knows that so I have no idea why that was what she thought I wanted.
I could hear Jace running down the stairs.
"Okay, ready to go?" He asked once he got to where I was standing.
I nodded my head.
Jace grabbed my hand and opened the door walking beside me to his car.
His hand was so large compared to mine, but my small, pale, hand fit perfectly in his large, tan, calloused hand.
When we got to his car he opened my door for me.
Once I was inside he shut my door and walked around to the driver's side.
Once he started the car he reached over and grabbed my hand again.
"Why do you keep grabbing my hand?" I questioned him.
"Because I feel like if I let you go you'll shut me out again, and I want to enjoy being able to be close to you while I can." Jace said sincerely, looking at me for a moment before pulling out of the driveway.
I smiled a little.
Maybe Jace really did care about me. He sure acted like he did.
I gazed out the window most of the way to Jonathon's house.
I didn't really know what to say to Jace and I was worried about what may be waiting for me once I got inside the house.
"I'll talk to Izzy when I get back home." Jace said suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.
"Alright." I responded, not really sure what else to say.
What if Jonathon was passed out drunk?
What if when I got inside he was really pissed off at me and went ape shit crazy?
What if he kicked me out?
I'd have nowhere to go and then I'd be in the foster care system.
The Lightwoods wouldn't take me in because Izzy hates me now, I have no other family, and I'd just be in the system until I'm eighteen.
Who wants to adopt a child that they're only going to have for two years? Nobody.
Only little kids get adopted. Nobody wants an older child.
"This'll all blow over you know. I think you just shocked her is all." Jace said, once again breaking me from my thoughts.
He squeezed my hand reassuringly as we pulled up into Jonathon's driveway.
I stared at the house as it loomed in front of us with so many "what-ifs".
"Thanks for bringing me back to Jonathon's." I murmured as I opened the car door.
Jace let go of my hand.
I hesitated before getting out of the car.
I sat back down and leaned over, wrapping my arms around Jace's neck in a hug.
He hesitated a moment, but then wrapped his arms securely around my waist, pulling me closer to him.
"Any time Clary, any time." He said softly in my ear.
I pulled away from his warm embrace and gave him one last look before getting out of his car.
Jace waited until I opened the front door to start pulling out of the driveway.
As he was pulling out he looked up at me and gave me the "call me" sign.
I'm assuming that he wanted to make sure that everything was okay with Jonathon and then he'd tell me what happened with Izzy.
Taking a deep breath I opened the door and walked into the house, shutting the door softly behind me.
JPOV
When I got back to my house I headed immediately towards Izzy's room.
The way she reacted to Clary really surprised me.
How can you tell your best friend to get the fuck out of your house when you hear something like that?
Maybe she's just overwhelmed, but I honestly do believe that this will all blow over once Izzy has calmed down.
I got to Izzy's room and knocked on her door.
When she didn't reply, I walked just walked in.
Izzy was laying on her bed with tears running down her face.
"Hey, Iz, what's wrong?" I asked moving through the clutter on her floor to sit next to her on her bed.
Izzy shrugged her shoulders and let out a loud sob.
"Something's the matter, what is it?" I asked as gently as I could.
Izzy looked at me, her face red, and tear streaked.
"How could I not notice?" She wailed throwing her hands in the air and letting them fall limply by her sides.
"She was right! I did fucking leave her when Simon died!" She yelled at me.
She sat up, but didn't move any closer to me.
I stayed silent, figuring it best to probably just let her get out the anger she was feeling.
"When Simon died I didn't even think about Clary! All I thought about was how much I was hurt! You and Alec were always there though to keep me up and happy when I got sad about his passing on!"
I remember the countless nights when either Alec or I would be woken up by Izzy's sobs echoing in the house and we'd come in here and just sit with her while she cried.
None of us got a lot of sleep most of those nights.
"Who the fuck did Clary have?" She continued yelling, throwing her hands up again.
"Clary didn't have anyone! You heard her! Her dad hated her Jace! Her dad fucking hated her and she didn't have anyone to lean on when Simon passed away!" Izzy screamed at me.
She was right. Clary didn't have anyone.
"How could I have been such a fucking horrible friend?" She wailed desperately.
So this is what it came down to.
Izzy wasn't upset that Clary was cutting. She was upset because she let it happen. Izzy was upset that she never noticed the pain Clary was feeling.
She can't really blame herself though because Clary was pretty damn good at hiding how she felt.
"I just don't understand how she could've been in that much pain and not even tried to talk about it with me. Why didn't she trust me?" Izzy yelled at me.
She quieted for a minute to blow her nose.
Where she got tissues from? I have no fucking idea.
"How long have you known?" Izzy questioned me harshly.
"I've known for a while." I admitted, "I didn't really give her an option about telling me though. I just kind of figured it out."
"Why didn't she come to me and tell me?" Izzy whined desperately. "I feel like a terrible friend."
"It doesn't matter what happened then, Iz. What matters now is that you be there for her when she needs you now. You just kind of kicked her out without an explanation."
"No! I don't want to talk about it with her! It hurts to know that a friend could fucking do that and see nothing wrong with it!" Izzy yelled.
"Why can't we just act like it never happened?" Iz questioned.
"Okay, Izzy. If you don't want to talk about it with her then don't." I sighed, "Just calm down for a little bit okay?" I ran a hand down my face.
Girls crying make no sense to me, they get so emotional.
Izzy ignoring it, will only make it worse for Clary. I can guarantee that now.
She'll probably think that Izzy doesn't care.
"When you calm down, at least send her a text, alright Iz?" I asked standing up getting ready to leave.
"Yeah, okay." Izzy sniffled as I left her room.
I closed her door quietly and went back to my own room remembering the night before.
Having Clary so close to me was really nice. It made me wish that we could be like that every night.
Her letting me comfort her when she has a nightmare, openly talking to me, holding her while we sleep knowing she wouldn't blow up on me in the morning, it was a nice feeling.
With a smile on my face I lay down on my bed and pulled out my phone to call Clary.
It rang four times before going to her voicemail.
Maybe Jonathon's having a talk with her right now about running out?
I sent her a quick text to have her call me when she wasn't busy and closed my eyes waiting for her to call me back.
Wow. This kind of fucking short... Sorry for that. This chapter's just all mleh.
I may get to update tomorrow! I actually get to be home before six in the fucking afternoon! :) So happy.
Thanks for the reviews guys. They make me smile, but could you please stop just saying "Can't wait update soon!" Or things along the extent of that? I feel kind of bad when I'm to busy to update and I get a shit ton of reviews saying "update soon."
Thursday I have play practice and Friday I have t go to another football game. (That's not unusual.)
Have a great rest of the week guys! :)