38

Relief

December 6, 16:12

She couldn't keep her eyes off the wall clock. It had been almost two hours now and there was still no news. She was perched on an armchair, with her knees drawn up to her chest, holding her legs tightly with her arms wrapped around them. She was vaguely aware that she hadn't eaten or even drunken much in hours, but there was no way she was moving from the room until she heard whether he had come through the surgery alright. There was a vending machine in there and she had bought a bottle of water, but nothing else. Occasionally a nurse would pop her head round the door and ask her if she needed anything and she would say no and then looking a little unsure she would leave again. She had never felt so alone in her life, but at the same time she didn't want anybody around her. The only person she wanted was fighting for his life and she was terrified he wouldn't make it.

If only she hadn't insisted on going out on her own for those runs. Why had she been so persistent about it? It wasn't as though she enjoyed them all that much really and she was definitely nervous to go out alone, but it had been as though she had needed to challenge herself, to prove to herself and more importantly to him that she could get her independence back. She hated the thought of being a burden on him, of being a victim for the rest of her life and making him feel he had to protect her and continually tread on eggshells around her. She didn't want him to feel trapped into being with her, thinking that if he left she would fall apart. She wanted him to want to be with her, not feel he had to be. He wanted him to enjoy being with her. Ultimately she was terrified of inadvertently pushing him away.

This was all her fault. He had been stabbed because of her. It was heart-breaking. He had always had her back when they had been partners and he had been her rock ever since the attack, but yet now she had failed him. She should have hit Miller with that brick earlier, before he could reach for his knife, but instead she had once again been frozen to the spot and it could cost Elliot his life. He had to pull through. He just had to.

She wondered briefly if Miller had survived. She knew the police were waiting close by, assured that she wasn't going anywhere while Elliot was in the hospital. She knew she should call Cragen and let him know what was happening directly, but she couldn't face talking to anyone, not until she knew that Elliot was going to be ok. It was the only thing she cared about right now. She knew that the police up here had contacted her Captain and told him everything that had happened, at her request and so she didn't have to worry about keeping him informed. The first thing was to make sure Elliot was alright and then she could worry about the aftermath.

The hands on the clock were moving so slowly. How much longer would this torture last? The only good thing she could think of was that no one had come to tell her any bad news at least. She knew he must be fighting in there. He wouldn't want to leave her. She believed that with all her heart. Oh God, what would she do if he died? The mere thought made her want to cry again.

16:34

The door opened and the surgeon and a nurse entered the room. She felt her heart rate quicken and she stared at them, trying to read their faces. She was petrified to hear what they had to say, but she needed to know. The nurse came to her side and sat down beside her. The surgeon also approached and crouched down in front of her. She panicked, thinking it looked like they were settling in to give her bad news.

"He's dead, isn't he?" she asked, her own words almost tearing her to pieces as she uttered them.

"No," replied the surgeon gently. "He's alive. I had to remove his spleen and he lost a lot of blood. He's been given a blood transfusion…"

"He's alive?" It was the only thing she was able to focus on. "He's really alive?"

"Yes, he is," replied the nurse, reaching for Olivia and laying her hand sympathetically on her forearm.

"He's alive!" Olivia said. Then she lost it. The tears of relief fell hard and as the nurse put her arms around her and held her, she found herself clinging to this stranger and taking some comfort from being held by another human being. A couple of minutes later she pulled away apologetically.

"Can I see him?" she asked nervously. "Is he awake?"

"He's still in recovery at the moment, but he'll be moved to the high dependency unit very shortly. You will be able to visit him there." The surgeon smiled at her.

Olivia suddenly got to her feet and the surgeon stood with her. "Thank you so much doctor," she said. "You will never know how grateful I am to you for everything you've done."

"It's my pleasure," he replied humbly. "I'm afraid I have to rush off – another patient, but the nurse will answer any questions you have."

"Thank you," Olivia replied. She watched the surgeon leave and then she turned to the nurse.

"Did he say he removed his spleen?" she asked.

"Yes, but he will be fine without it. He should make a full recovery. There is a risk of infection after any kind of surgery like this, but he should be fine."

The relief that enveloped her at the nurse's words was like a wave washing over her body and she sank back down onto the armchair, suddenly realising that she was completely and thoroughly exhausted. He had survived the surgery. He was going to be ok! She almost didn't dare to believe it. She was desperate to see him with her own eyes and confirm it for herself.

"How long until I can see him?" she begged.

"I would think within about half an hour or so," replied the nurse. "I have to warn you though, he will be dosed up on pain medications and may be groggy and out of it for a while."

"I don't care. I just need to see him," she replied.

17:15

She stepped forward towards the bed and saw him. It was always disconcerting to see a patient covered in all the tubes and monitoring equipment and even more so because it was him, but the important thing was he was breathing, he was alive and that's what she tried to focus on. She stared at his face. He looked like he was peacefully sleeping. He had an oxygen mask covering his face, a nasal tube and a few bruises from the fight, but otherwise he looked like him, albeit a little paler than usual. She came up close and took his right hand in hers. She took in the wires of the two IV lines, the heart rate monitors, the pulse oximeter on one finger of his left hand, the drainage tube coming from the site of his surgery, the urine collection bag and the bandages covering his abdomen. It was all heartbreaking, but he was alive. It was the only thing that really mattered.

She stretched her hand out and gingerly touched his face.

"Elliot," she whispered. "I'm here. I love you so much. I thought I'd lost you." She was again overcome with emotion and her tears fell, dripping on to her arm and on to him too. She realised what was happening and wiped her eyes furiously. As she did, she felt him stirring.

"Elliot?" she said, reaching for his hand and grasping it tightly. "Can you hear me?"

She watched in a kind of stunned state of excitement as he slowly opened his eyes and looked straight at her.

"Elliot!" she said ecstatically.

"Liv? Where… am…I..?" he said.

"You're in the hospital sweetheart. You were stabbed. Don't you remember?"

"Miller!" he exclaimed weakly.

She nodded. "El, don't try to speak. You need to rest. The police have Miller. I don't know what's happening with him. I've been here the whole time, waiting for you to come out of surgery." She felt him squeezing her hand back slightly as she spoke.

"I thought I'd lost you, El," she said again.

"No way," he whispered. "I could never leave you. I love you."

She leaned forward, nuzzling her face gently into his neck. "I love you too," she repeated. "I was so scared El…"

"Sorry," he mouthed.

"No, I'm the one who's sorry." She saw him suddenly grimace. "What's wrong?" she asked anxiously.

"Are you in pain?" asked a nurse who had been watching their exchange at a slight distance but now stepped over as she noticed Elliot's obvious discomfort. "I'll up your morphine." Elliot nodded in agreement and then he closed his eyes again.

"The meds will make him drowsy for a while," explained the nurse. "Here, why don't you sit down?" She pulled a chair over and Olivia gratefully sat down, still holding his hand. She was not ready to let him go yet and wondered if she ever would be after this.

18:43

He was still asleep, not having woken since that time earlier. She had stayed by his side ever since, but she had to admit that she was starting to feel the need to stretch her legs. She wondered if she should pop out into the corridor for a brief stroll and take the opportunity to call Cragen. She was starting to wonder what had happened to Miller, whether he had been alright after she had knocked him out. She assumed that if he had died the police would have been much more desperate to talk to her, but so far she had been left alone. She suspected Cragen may have had something to do with that though.

As much as she was loath to leave his side, she needed to find out what was going on. So she gently slipped her hand free of his, stood and leaned over him, kissed him gently on the forehead and told him she would be back really soon. He didn't even stir. She quietly slipped out of the room, breathing deeply as she stepped out into the corridor. She would make the call as quickly as she could, for she wanted to be back by his side as fast as possible. She knew that visiting hours were only until around 20:30 and she wanted to make the most of the time she had. Once he got moved to a regular ward, she could request a private room for him and there would be fewer restrictions. The thought of spending the night away from him pained her immensely. She had no idea where she would go. She wondered if the staff would object or even notice if she hung around the hospital, maybe in the waiting room outside the unit. She couldn't imagine leaving the premises.

She dialled Cragen's number nervously. It would be the first time she had directly spoken with him in a while as Elliot had always taken all the calls, providing her a buffer, protecting her. She stopped short though, as a familiar figure suddenly appeared in the corridor.

"Fin!" she exclaimed, surprised how good it was to see his familiar face.

"Oh baby!" he said sadly, coming straight up to her and wrapping his arms around her tightly.

"I'm so sorry I couldn't get here earlier. Cragen sent me as soon as he heard what had happened. We couldn't leave you alone to deal with this. He wanted to be here himself, but he just can't leave the city right now."

"I can't believe you're here!" she murmured.

"How is he Liv?"

"I thought I was going to lose him!" she said heavily. "I really did."

"He's ok? He pulled through the surgery?"

"Yes, he's in the high dependency unit now, but he got through it. He woke up and spoke to me briefly but he's sleeping again now."

"Thank God!" Fin said with relief.

"I don't know what I would have done, Fin," she said desperately.

"I know, I know," he soothed. "It's ok, Liv. He made it. He's going to be ok."

Once again her tears fell. It didn't feel as embarrassing as she thought it would though. Fin was her colleague, but he was also her friend. She knew he adored her and a few tears would never change his opinion about her or take away his respect. He held her and she was genuinely glad he had come.

"What happened to Miller?" she asked nervously.

"Severe concussion," Fin said. "I heard you gave him a good whack!" He grinned at her as he said it. She looked a little embarrassed. In normal circumstances she would be appalled at the thought of what she had done, but she felt no regrets where Miller was concerned. He deserved everything he got and more. "He's under arrest and will be taken into police custody the second he is released from the hospital. The case against him is looking good. I highly doubt he'll see the light of day again, with murder, rape and corruption charges amongst others.

"It's really over!" she exclaimed.

"Yes. He won't hurt anyone ever again." He held her for a few seconds more, before she started to pull away.

"Fin, I'm really sorry, I've got to get back to Elliot. There's not long left of visiting hours this evening."

"I understand. Look, I'll wait here OK? When they kick you out, I'm taking you out for something to eat and we'll crash in a hotel and then I'll bring you back first thing in the morning."

"I don't know…"

"Captain's instructions, Liv! Elliot will be fine. They will call if anything happens. We'll stay close by the hospital."

"Fine," she agreed. She really didn't want to be alone and it was good to see Fin again.

"OK. You get back to him. I'll be out here, kay?"

"Thanks Fin," she said already walking away.

"No problem, baby. See you in a while," he called after her. He wandered into the waiting room and sank into a chair. He was beyond relieved that Elliot looked like he was going to pull through. He daren't imagine what impact his death would have had on Olivia. He knew Elliot wasn't completely out of the woods yet, but he had overcome the biggest hurdle and he believed that he would be OK. For Olivia's sake, he had to be.