Prayers, Tombs, and Tears

Kenny

The next few weeks flew by quickly. Aunt Nelly, Butters and I had a lot of fun together. She loved to dote on the boy, and expressed her love for him often when we were alone. She expressed her ecstasy at the fact that I was here, sharing this marvelous time with Leopold. I loved him so much, and would do whatever he asked.

"I'm going to have to leave you guys tomorrow." she said softly as we both sat in the kitchen eating fudge. Butters was in the shower. "I got called into work. I'm really, truly, sorry."

"It's okay. Butters and I'll strike out and venture on our own." I said smiling. "We'll be fine."

"You can take my second car." she said smiling at me. "I'll leave the keys on top of the microwave in the morning, so you two don't have to wake up."

"What time do you leave?" I asked.

"Five thirty in the morning. It's okay, though." she said quickly. "I'll be back by four in the afternoon."

"Has Butters talked to you, lately, Kenny?" she asked as we both moved to the couch.

"No." I said simply. "He's doing a lot better. You know, it's almost fading away. His hair is actually hair now." I said smiling. "He looks a little fuller than when we came here."

"Yes." she said softly. "He does. He has gained a little weight." she said softly. "What's going to happen afterward?" she asked.

"I don't know. He says he wants to go into photography." I said softly. "It doesn't surprise me. He's into art."

"Kenny," she said sighing. "He loves you. Or at least, is trying. He wants to love you."

"Yeah. I see it." I said truthfully. "It's getting better. I think he has hope. I told him he shouldn't let the way people treated him, and his parents relationship ruin his view of love. It's hard for him, though."

"Possibly harder for him because of the cancer." she said sighing. "You should let him talk to you."

"I do." I said sadly. "I encourage him to talk to me. You know? He says I'm the one he loves. So it's only fit that I be the one who he needs right now. I always try to listen to him, and what he's really saying. To truly listen to his heart."

"It'll be okay." I said after a while. "We're not going to lose him. I just can feel it."

"Hey, you guys!" We both smiled as we heard him calling from upstairs. "Aunt Nelly, where do you keep the towels?" he yelled.

… … … … …

The next morning, Butters and I rose slowly, and calmly. Not with our usual cheer, looking forward to Nelly's pampering, and sightseeing. We rose solemnly, and almost in a bittersweet manner. The sun had already risen, and it looked like it would be a beautiful day.

We both got dressed in silence, and walked down stairs after taking care of things in the bathroom. We made our way down to the kitchen, and found breakfast. Pancakes, bacon, eggs and sausages. All left neatly in the warm oven to keep warm until we decided to eat. We ate slowly, and quietly. I didn't feel the need for words, and he seemed not to either. So neither of us broke the content silence between us. He'd laid out the plans for today the night before. Insisting that we go to a nearby chapel that he noticed, and to Michael Jackson's grave site. This made me feel strange in a way. Butters looming over the prospect of death. Was he not telling me something?

We made it to the chapel, and surprisingly enough, the old building was empty. Open to all, it said. We both stepped in. We still hadn't broken our silence, only needing glances and gentle touches to communicate. It was a silence so golden, I wanted to hold on to it for as long as I could.

"Kenny?" he asked as we slid into a pew. "Will you pray with me? I'm not sure how, but I'll pray the way I pray before I go to sleep." he said softly.

"Of course I will." I said solemnly as I knelt down beside him and we both made a praying gesture with our palms.

"Thank you, lord. For having given me a second chance at life." he started. "I know I'm not usually this way, but I feel as if the world is small, and life is short. And I'm so very grateful that you gave me this life. This very moment, for that matter. I'm okay with everything. Being gay, being small, and being touched by good Hodgkin. Brings a lesson into my life, and maybe those around me. Maybe mom and dad will come to terms with things once they return.

"People always looked down on homosexuality, or in fact on anything that was remotely different to the norms of white culture. But I keep thinking, Lord, that if it was a sin, then, you wouldn't allow for such deeds to happen. I believe that Satan could not have created such an emotion as love. It is wholly, and entirely your creation, and thus, I feel that I'm doing the right thing. Kenny is the most special thing that's happened to me since my birth. Because it was special, too. You gave life to something that you knew would turn out right. Cut out from very special cloth. And now, I feel something. Something's about to happen to me that will change my whole perspective on life, forever. Not that Hodgkin hasn't already, but something is definitely going to happen. I'll rise to the challenge, knowing that you will walk with me, and that you will not let anything you don't want, happen to me."

"The world is such a small place." I said softly. "In certain views. And in others, like the view I had when it was Leopold's birthday, it's a big place. A very enormous place, crowded by unique personalities, and unique pairs of people wandering the world. Like Leopold and I. I hope you give us the chance to find our place in the world. Because it will always be, ours. In your presence, and in your chapel, as alien and strange as it may sound," I said extending my hand to my soul mate. "I'm giving my heart to Leopold wholly, and solely to him. We'll find a place for both of us to fit in the world, and I'm sure you'll lead us to it. All I ask is that you keep watch, and keep him beside me, in life and in death." Tears filled my eyes as I said the next words. "I always say that he'll be okay, and everything will be fine, and I whole heartedly believe that. But whether or not he survives this ordeal—which is not over, I know — I'll always love him. I'll always keep on going. Even if death pulls us apart."

As we knelt in the chapel, tears streaming down both our faces, we both said a prayer. It was one that many knew, and one that many parents led their children in before bed.

Butters

After we left the chapel, we made our way to Forest Lawn cemetery. I had printed a map of the place, and I pretty much knew where we were going. I hated that it was so far away. But soon, we were here.

It was a beautiful grassy area, and Michael's Mausoleum was not hard to find. It was a marble crypt, complete with his name, and the date of his death. I stared at it, and Kenny stared, too. He sighed.

"It looks way different than what I saw on the handprint." he said sadly.

"Yeah." I said as my throat clogged a little. "That's because he had control over the signature on the sidewalk. He had no control over this." I said running my fingers through the carving.

Kenny

I just wanted to leave. Going with him to the chapel had made me experience things I hated. I now had the same feeling in the pit of my stomach as he described. Something was going to change. However, this didn't mean it was necessarily bad. As we both stood, marveling at the grave, I felt saddened. I didn't want to be discussing death with Butters who was a possible candidate for it. But I recalled Nelly's plea that I listen to his feelings, if he ever did want to talk about death. At this point in time, I knew somehow. Butters's visit to this grave had something to do with what he was feeling. It was somehow connected. I felt strange. Death was something strange to me. I couldn't. I could never. My death should've been the first time I died when the Visitors came to town. Yet, here I was.

"I bet Jermaine, Janet and Tito, and the rest still come here." Butters said softly as he came and wrapped an arm around my waist. "Do you think?" he asked. "Do you think when people die, they can communicate with the people they love who are still here? What's it like, Kenny?"

"I…" I wanted to cry. "Nothing. I mean, for me, anyway. I always see different things. Sometimes, a bright light, and sometimes, fire. You know? Sometimes, heaven, and sometimes, hell. But I always end up here." I said softly. "Sadly, I still can't figure out why."

"Yeah?" he asked as he reached out and touched the crypt with one of his fingers. He let out a frustrated sigh, and I wished I could help. He was having trouble, with unanswered questions, and mysteries that he wanted so desperately to understand.

"Ken?" he asked as tears filled his eyes. He sounded hopelessly sad. "I'm really sorry. I just think about things like this, and it sort of scares me."

"It's okay." I said as I pulled him into my arms. "I guess, I think about it, too. I'm sorry our situations are different." I said as tears slid down my cheeks. "You're not wanting to die, and I'm craving for it." I said laughing hollowly.

"I guess I could understand why." he remarked. "Do you think I'll ever see you again?"

"Yes." I said in a whisper as a huge tear drop fell on to my love's head. "Yes, Butter Cup. I believe that maybe someday, my curse will die, or lift, or whatever. And I'll see you again. I believe that people meet up in Heaven. We will, too." I sighed as I held him.

"Michael." Butters sobbed. "I wonder if he knows that people still miss him. If he knows that his family still comes and gives flowers, and still grieves. When I die, I wonder if I'll be able…" he stopped as a huge sob escaped his throat. "If I'll be missed."

"Leopold!" I sobbed as I squeezed him without control.

"I hope, I can see from up there." he sobbed. "Maybe, I'll see mom and dad in a different light. Maybe. I hope, someone will still be here. To miss me. To bring me flowers."

"Leopold!" I moaned again. Don't. Please, be quiet, and let's get out of this place. It's too sad. You're too sad. "I love you!" I sobbed as I held him. "So much."

"Kenny?" he said looking up at me with sparkling eyes. Tears were shimmering in his pools of blue. "Remember my birthday?" he asked. "Remember our kiss?"

"Yes." I said remembering the feelings that never seemed to end. "I do."

"I wish, I could have that forever." he sobbed. "And Hodgkin never hit me. Those seem like fairy tale moments to me. Kenny? Will you miss me?"

"More than you can ever know." I sobbed. "More than you will ever understand. There… just isn't any words to explain how much a part of me you are." I sobbed. "I love you, Leopold. Always."

My tears were falling steadily as I held the boy close. I remembered Nelly telling us both when she saw what we were going to wear, yesterday night, that Taffeta stains easily. To be careful with the ties. I saw the water marks as the tears fell on to my suit. I didn't care. These clothes, this tie, would wear my tears forever. Tears caused by a grief so powerful, it hurt just to reminisce later. Tears that would mark the clothing, for the rest of time. The marks would be there to remind me of everything me and Butters have gone through over the last, who knows how long anymore. Those tears would always be. And I didn't care. I wasn't ruining it, I was marking it.