Hey everyone! Thanks so much for still being here while this finishes up. Your kind words mean so much.
As always a huge thank you to my beta Susan. She is the best. And big thanks to the lovely Judy for pre-reading.
Disclaimer: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight and all its characters.
Edward
I kicked off my shoes as soon as I stepped through the doorway and immediately made my way to my desk, a sigh of frustration passing through my lips as I did so. I didn't know why I was so worked up, I knew today would be no different than the ones previous. It didn't make the sting any less though; didn't take away that scratch-like itch that covered my skin whenever she was around yet continued to ignore me.
Three days had passed since that incident in Bella's kitchen. And while she hadn't been avoiding me, she'd still kept her distance, speaking to me only when absolutely necessary. I'd stuck to my word though, and hadn't given up.
Trying to get her alone, however, was proving to be a problem. Alice and Rose were constantly flanking her, and I didn't know if this was intentional on her part, or theirs, but either way it was beginning to grate on me.
I'd reached out to her again today in biology, only to be met with one word answers and cursory glances. I couldn't stop thinking about her, her face a constant presence every time I closed my eyes. I wanted to shout, pound my fist against the surface of my desk as I attempted to get a handle on my emotions. These wouldn't have been quick fixes though, merely fleeting reprieves that left me all the more desperate. All the more drained. I swear she'd been purposely wearing her skirt shorter to school, too. I had eyes, I noticed that kind of shit, especially when I'd spent most of the lesson staring at her legs beneath the desk.
It was getting harder to sit next to her for that hour in awkward silence, my nerve endings on high alert. And today had been no different. I'd teased her, curling the ends of her hair around my finger as I came up behind her, knowing she both hated and loved it from previous experience. I didn't care if she got pissed at me; some part of me even wanted her to. Any acknowledgment was better than none at all. I'd rather have her ire than indifference, and if that meant picking up old habits again, I'd do it.
It had been like this between us from the very beginning, and I wasn't about to stop that now. It had, after all, gotten me the girl in the end – hopefully this would be a time when my stubbornness wouldn't come back to bite me in the ass.
She'd pulled away though, eyes flashing in that way I was used to – in that way I loved – but said nothing. I hadn't had a chance to push her as much as I'd wanted to. And that was my plan – to push her, let her know I wasn't going anywhere; let her know she was it for me.
However, Mr. Banner had been annoyingly perceptive this past week and any attempt I'd made to rile Bella up had landed flat before it had ever really started. His beady little eyes would dart to where I was sitting, and the resulting expression that would consequently pass over his face let me know he was on to me. It was just like him to finally start paying attention to the class when I needed him to not give a shit. He hadn't bothered in the months beforehand, so for him to start "caring" again now put a wrench in my plans. Dick.
I'd caught up with her outside the classroom, her attempt at leaving before me thwarted by a very persistent Newton. I was pretty sure he was in the middle of asking her out when I grabbed her hand and pulled her into an empty classroom, slamming the door in his bewildered face.
"You can't just drag me off whenever you want to, Edward!" she shouted, all burnished brown gaze and flushed cheeks as she tore her hand from mine. She was pissed, and while I couldn't blame her, it didn't mean I regretted my decision. I was desperate. And desperate people made hasty decisions.
I kept a neutral expression though; controlled my features as I attempted to hide just how much it bothered me that she'd pulled away. I took a step back, giving her the space she so clearly wanted before clearing my throat. "I wouldn't have to if you'd just talk to me," I replied, leaning back against the door.
She crossed her arms over her chest, a clear sign of defiance that pushed her breasts up a little. "I don't have to do that either," she'd answered.
She broke eye contact with me after a while, and I didn't know if it was because it was too difficult for her, or whether she simply hated the sight of me. Either way it led to a heightened sensation of want and frustration that made the muscles in my jaw clench and unclench in a steady succession.
She loved me, and surely something like that didn't just go away? Or maybe it had and that's why she could barely stand to even look at me.
I swallowed heavily against the sudden lump lodged in my throat, and breathed deeply through my nose. "You want me to stop?" I asked, watching her face for... anything.
She glanced back at me, feet shifting as she eyed the door behind me. "I just want to go home, Edward."
I stared at her for a moment longer before stepping aside, knowing that Alice would be waiting for her anyway.
I didn't say anything and neither did she, but as she grasped the handle, I let my fingers linger on her knuckles, silent apologies in the form of sweeping fingertips.
Her fingers flexed in the smallest sign of reciprocation before she wrenched the door open and left me standing there with a kind of bittersweet determination.
She hadn't said no.
I was brought back to the present by a door slamming downstairs, Emmett's booming laughter accompanying the echo. I scrubbed my hands down my face as I tried to erase the daily reminders that refused to leave; a pair of gloves she'd left in my room, a beaded bracelet attached to my bedpost, the spare toothbrush in my bathroom that hadn't been getting used. It was like she was everywhere... and how hadn't I noticed this before? I hated this feeling. Hated it. It was like I couldn't breathe, the room devoid of oxygen. I suddenly understood those sappy '80s movies where some douche would stand beneath a window with a boom box blaring out shitty tunes. I'd rather punch myself in the face than do it myself, but I understood it.
I made my way downstairs, intent on making a sandwich when Mom's voice rang out from her bedroom. "Edward?"
I paused, head tilting to the ceiling as I held in a groan. "Yeah?" I answered as I stepped into the doorway.
She was sitting in the chair by the window, sewing a hole in what looked to be one of Em's shirts. He was always tearing shit.
"Pass me the scissors would you, sweetheart?" she asked, motioning with her head to the small silver pair that sat on the bed.
I pulled in a deep breath through my nose before answering, "Sure."
I picked them up carefully, still mindful due to the hundred times I got told as a child not to play or run with sharp objects... not that I was planning to. "Here we go."
"Thank you," she smiled, snipping at the attached thread before holding the shirt out in front of her. "There," she murmured to herself before folding it onto the ottoman.
I turned to go, but her voice halted me once more. I held back a smile - I knew the scissors on the bed were a trick.
"Good day at school?" she asked casually. And here it was.
I nodded. "Yeah, it was okay," I replied with a shrug.
"You look tired," she noted with a small frown. Mothers were far too perceptive for their own good; far too perceptive for my own good.
"I haven't been sleeping that well," I admitted, internally cursing myself at my inability to lie to my mother.
"Anything you want to talk about?" she wondered as she packed her sewing needles and shit away, again not appearing as interested as I knew she actually was.
I sighed, scuffing the carpet with my shoe as I nudged at my left foot with my right. "Not really."
She smiled sadly, hazel eyes knowing. "Girl trouble?" she asked as she got to her feet.
She was scary accurate sometimes.
"No," I said far too quickly, unintentionally giving myself away. And okay maybe I could lie to my mother.
She gazed back at me steadily and I had to stop myself from squeezing my eyes shut at my own stupidity - flashing neon lights would have been less obvious. I should have just gotten "I fucked up with the pretty girl next door" stamped onto my face.
"What did you do?" she asked again.
I was immediately on the defensive. "Nothing."
She reached forward and brushed against the cut still on my cheek. "Don't think I didn't notice these," she said unimpressed. "I'm not stupid. You got into a fight."
"No." Liar.
She shook her head, and not quite amusement, but something along those lines played across her face.
"You're a terrible lair, just like your father," she added. "I always know when he's eaten the last of the ice cream, just like I know these grazes don't appear from looking in the mirror too much. Your brother would be covered in them otherwise." It was true, Em did love a reflective surface.
I groaned. "Jesus... Mom, there is no girl, okay?" I insisted, looking away.
She laughed lightly. "There's always a girl, sweetheart," she smiled as she took my face in her hands.
"Not in this case." She ignored me.
"Don't let this one get away. I happen to like her," she whispered, tapping my cheek softly before stepping around me to leave the room.
I stood there in a stupor for a few seconds, mouth open and eyes wide until I managed to force out, "And what girl would that be?" No way would I admit to anything if she didn't really know. She could be pulling that reverse psychology bullshit where she led me to believe she knew when in actual fact, she didn't have a clue.
She straightened out a picture on her dresser, distractedly answering, "I think we both know."
No dice. "We do?" I queried. Stubborn 'til the end.
She looked up, a small smile in place. "You get your bullheadedness from your father, too," she said softly. "I'm going to go start dinner."
I felt like crap. Parents were masters at guilt tripping. "Okay," I responded.
I was almost home free... sort of, when she paused just outside the door, evidently not quite finished. "Oh, and tell Bella I have a recipe here I think she'd like," she winked, finally leaving the room, shouts for Emmett to stop leaving his shoes on the stairs drifting back to me.
I felt like I'd just been hit by a logging truck - it became all too apparent where Alice got her awareness and intuition from.
I forewent the sandwich and collapsed onto my bed as soon as I got back into my own room, kind of in a daze as I wondered how the hell that had just happened. And how I managed to, without fail, get myself into those situations.
All I'd wanted was a bit of bread.
I pressed my face into my pillow and mumbled a muffled fuck.
OoOoO
The parking lot was getting pretty full as I flicked the last of my cigarette to the ground, watching the cherry momentarily spark as it hit the pavement before I stumped it out under my shoe.
"Ang just pulled in. I'll see you later," Ben said as he pushed himself off the tree.
"Alright," I nodded, immediately going back to watching Tyler and Mike fight for Bella's attention.
It was kind of funny, watching them exchange their not-so-friendly thumps to the arm and slaps to the back. Funny in a way that also made me want to let out all the air from their tires. If it was obvious to Bella what they were doing, she didn't let on. In fact, I wasn't sure she was paying that much attention to them in the first place. Her gaze was drifting around the other students in the lot, brow furrowed as Mike waved his hand in front of her face, trying to divert her focus back to him. He was only briefly successful.
I slipped my lighter back into my pocket and lifted my shoulders from the rough bark of the trunk as I used my slightly bent leg for momentum, pushing myself from the tree with the flat of my shoe.
They started walking towards the school at the same time I did, Bella's gaze immediately finding mine, expression shifting a little. She dropped her eyes, breaking contact.
"Bella," I greeted with a small smile when I got close enough for her to hear me.
She looked distracted. "Hi."
Mike had scampered off, no doubt sulking somewhere. Tyler whispered something into her ear, laughing as her cheeks blushed a little. Motherfucker.
She looked back at me, eyes on my face as Tyler said something else before shouting for Eric to wait up. He probably wanted the answers to last night's homework again.
"What was all that about?" I asked, trying to rein in my jealousy.
"Nothing," she replied.
"Didn't look like nothing," I said, reaching out to push a strand of hair from her cheek.
"Really?" she questioned. "What did it look like to you?"
I didn't hesitate. "It looked like he was hitting on you. Again," I added as an afterthought.
"And what if he was?" she asked with a smile.
I smiled back. "You know what."
Her smile dropped, and she started walking again, both of us silent, that distracted look back on her face again.
"You look pretty today," I commented, letting my eyes linger on the soft skin of her thighs as she hitched her skirt up a little. I held back a smirk, my suspicions confirmed. She was so doing that shit on purpose. The fact she wasn't looking at me, but rather Tyler Crowley however, was a concern. I frowned. Was she doing this for someone else?
My worries were cut short as she stopped walking, suddenly seeming to remember I was beside her as she gazed up at me, brown eyes inquisitive. She gave me a dubious look as if she didn't quite believe me... trust me, eyes narrowing in contemplation ever so slightly.
"What?" I protested, shifting under her gaze. "You do."
She raised a brow as she swept her hair from her face, my fingers unconsciously twitching at my sides. "Flattery will get you nowhere," she informed me, shifting her bag a little higher on her shoulder.
I reached out to help her, lowering my palm again when she twisted back a bit. "No?" I asked with a smirk.
She shook her head. "No," she repeated.
"So what will?" I wondered as I shoved my hands into my trouser pockets. "I aim to please," I closed with a wink.
Her nose scrunched up as she replied, "Nothing."
I sucked in my cheeks a little as I considered my reply. "I have a near perfect credit history," I continued, scratching the side of my jaw.
She laughed. "I don't doubt you. I'm sure there are plenty of girls who left you a perfect score," she said sweetly... too sweetly, head titled to the side in an even sweeter smile.
Jesus, she was in bitch mode this morning... Shit, was I allowed to think that? I almost wanted to say she was acting cute, but there was nothing cute about that determined look in her eye.
"You'd think that," I said, brushing off her attempts to rile me up. "But it's really not that big a—"
Her eyes instantly dropped to my crotch, causing my words to instantly die off and my mouth to snap shut. "Oh, I know," she interrupted, smiling, that glint in her eye getting stronger.
I smirked. "And now I know you're lying."
Her cheeks flushed, teeth pressing down on that plump bottom lip I want to suck into my mouth... wanted to nip at. She was driving me insane.
"But who knew you were such a perv?" I teased, holding back my smile as her mouth opened in shock.
She shook her head. "You did not just say that," she said lowly.
I played dumb. "Say what?"
She stepped forward a little as a group of girls from the year below passed us, flashing me smiles as they went. I instinctively looked at Bella, who kept a straight face throughout, her features not portraying any particular emotion. This only served to confuse me further as all different scenarios of why passed through my head: she's moved on and, she no longer cares being the prominent two.
"Call me a perv," she continued when they were out of sight, the words sounding dirty on her tongue.
I decided to tease her a little more. "But did you, or did you not, just openly stare at my crotch?" I questioned. She glared as I stepped forward and motioned to all the other students in the lot with my head, my lips almost brushing her forehead as I murmured, "I have witnesses."
I pulled my hands from my pockets and tilted her face towards mine, not giving a shit who was looking. She met my gaze, long lashes brushing the area just above her eyes as her lips parted.
"Then they can witness this, too," she whispered as she brought her hand out, hitting me straight in the stomach.
I held back a wince, grabbing her wrist as she went to pull her hand away. "Always so violent," I groaned, rubbing at the now sore muscle beneath my shirt. "Jesus, Bella, do you take secret boxing lessons I don't know about?" I asked with a half smile.
"You don't know everything about me," she answered.
"I think I know a good deal," I disagreed as I linked her fingers with mine.
"Yeah, well, you don't," she said while trying to pry our hands apart. "For all you know I spend my nights with a guy called Ted from Port Angeles."
I laughed, tonguing the inside of me cheek as I asked, "Ted, huh?"
She bit her lip, pausing. "Yes, Ted," she sighed. "He's a gentleman," she pressed, giving me a pointed stare.
"Sounds boring," I murmured, getting a little defensive.
She brought our hands to her mouth, the side of her palm resting against her cheek as she spoke. "You'd think that, but it's not," she said before biting the patch of skin between my thumb and forefinger.
I hissed and finally loosened my grip, giving her the opportunity she needed to step away.
Her eyes darted over my face, watching. "It hurts more when you don't expect it, huh?" she murmured, hesitating for a brief moment before starting towards the school once more.
I watched her go, and that brief glimpse of sad brown I'd caught as she'd paused, let me know she wasn't talking about a small bite to the hand, but rather a blade to the heart.
And I knew it would take more than a simple sorry and you look pretty for her to forgive me.
Classes passed in a boring blur, one after the other until the bell for lunch finally rang. I was standing in the lunch line deciding between pizza and this pathetic looking chicken burger when a heavy hand clamped down on my shoulder.
"Thanks for saving this spot for me, Edward, my brother."
I shook my head, chuckling. "Let me guess: you've forgotten your wallet again, and want to borrow some money," I sighed.
"I'll pay you back, I promise," he assured, already piling up my tray with anything his hands were in reach of. I rolled my eyes and let him take charge, grimacing when the chicken burger made it onto the brightly coloured plastic. I decided then and there that I wouldn't be eating that, and would have the pizza after all.
I paid and we walked over to our table; everyone else was already present and in mid-conversation.
I slid into the seat opposite Bella instead of the one next to her, a glutton for punishment apparently; I'd rather look at her than not. Although, it didn't really make that much difference in the end, as she pretty much ignored me the whole time.
I took a sip of my coke, tapping the cap on the table, knowing the sound got on her nerves. Her eyes kept darting to my fingers, her own hand forming a little fist on the table. I looked at the window and smirked. Waiting.
Her hand shot out over the table, pausing my movements. "I know what you're doing," she stated confidently.
"I doubt it," I answered.
"You know how much I hate that," she continued. "And I know you know that I hate it."
Clever girl. "Not everything is about you, you know."
Alice laughed, evidently listening to our conversation. "You could have fooled me," she interrupted. "The way you mo—"
Jasper clamped a hand over her mouth. "What did we learn in school today?" he teased her, placing a kiss on her forehead as she rolled her eyes. Her response came out muffled.
"Exactly," he continued, "we don't get involved in other people's business."
Rose snorted and I shook my head, grinning. "Good luck with that," I mumbled.
Bella glanced at her watch, sighing. "Only one more class and then freedom."
Em got to his feet, arm in the air. "You can fill our heads with the value of X and Y and other shit we don't care about, but you'll never take our freedom!" he bellowed.
I took one look at Jazz and we both cracked up. The boy had no embarrassment gene.
A few people gave him funny looks, but the majority of others just laughed. They were used to his antics by now.
"I'm stunned I'm related to you," Alice said, but she was smiling.
"I feel that way about Jazz a lot of the time," Rose interjected, earning a petulant scowl from her twin.
"Hey, what did I do?" he asked just as the warning bell signaled.
"You want an example?" she asked. "Like, right now? You sure?"
He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm sure."
"Okay, take last week when we were about to go shopping for Mom, and you got into the wrong car parked out front," she said, smiling. "I came out of the house to find you screaming like a girl because that creepy guy from next door had gotten into the front seat."
I choked on my drink as laughter bubbled up my throat, Em's infectious guffaw not helping matters.
"That's enough," he said, getting to his feet. "We should all get to class."
"Dude, that's the funniest shit I've ever heard," Em said with a wipe to his eyes. I glanced over at Bella who was biting her lip trying to contain her own laughter.
"In my defense, I'd just woken up from a nap," he stated. "I was disoriented. And that guy is weird."
"The one with the lazy eye?" I wondered.
"Yeah, that one."
Bella shook her head. "I better get my books," she smiled. "I'll see you guys later."
"I'll walk you," I offered as I got to my feet, grabbing my bottle of coke from the table.
Her eyes cut across to me as she pushed her chair under the table. "I can manage on my own, thanks."
"I insist," I smirked, following behind her.
She mumbled something else, but I didn't quite hear what it was, her words swallowed up by a couple of guys as they burst through the door.
"It's inevitable, you know," I said as I held the door open for her and motioned her through with an impatient wave of my hand.
She stopped just outside the door. "What is?"
I had to resist the urge to step forward and press my lips to her hair. "You forgiving me," I said lowly.
She held my gaze, and I was stuck, drowning in a vortex of brown, surrounded by dark lashes. Couldn't she see I was trying? I had never gone through all this for a girl before. Ever. I didn't know what to do to make it right.
"Keep telling yourself that," she murmured, turning on her heel and leaving me to follow once more.
We paused in front of her locker, and the sight of her biology textbook sparked my next words. "We need to finish that, you know," I pointed out. "The project I mean. We've only got a few days left."
Her hand came out to rub at her forehead. "I know."
"Tonight?" I suggested.
She sucked in a deep breath, "I haven't got much of a choice."
"Your place or mine?" I asked, a smirk tugging at my lips as I glanced back at her. I turned around fully, waiting for her answer as I brought the bottle to my lips, finishing the last of its contents.
Her gaze dipped to my mouth and back again, eyes glazing over just a little. "Yours... No, mine," she quickly amended as she ran her hands through her hair, her frustration evident. "I don't care. I just want to get it over with."
My smirk grew. "Yours it is then."
I wasn't about to spend the only bit of alone time I'd garnered in a house full of family.
She licked her lips and twisted around to gather her books once more, her skirt riding up in the process. "Charlie will be gone around four, so come over after then," she sighed, brow furrowing as she searched through the unorganized pile of textbooks inside her locker.
"That eager to get me alone, huh?" I teased, leaning against the locker beside hers. I kept my eyes on her face, watching for that look she got when she was pissed; her eyes would get a little squinty, her lips would part. She angled her head, and bingo! There's my girl, I thought.
"You're delusional," she glared.
"You're cute," I shot back.
She raised a brow. "You're an asshole."
"I'll be over at four thirty," I smiled.
"Whatever."
"So make sure you're ready for me," I continued with a wink as I slipped the empty bottle into her locker.
Her cheeks flushed. "I'm not in the mood for jokes. Or your trash," she added as she eyed the empty coke bottle.
"No?" I queried as I crossed my arms over my chest. "Then what are you in the mood for?"
She didn't miss a beat. "Maim and torture."
I laughed. "Ooh, kinky."
She tried not to smile. Tried and failed. "Shut up."
"I can't," I said with a slight shake of my head. "It's a disease."
"Ew, get away from me then," she mock scowled, taking a step back.
I curled my fingers around her waist, drawing her closer. "It's not contagious, I promise."
"It wouldn't make a difference if it was," she said as her hands rested atop mine, trying to push me away. "You won't be getting close enough to pass anything on."
I raised a brow, trying to contain my smug smile. "We'll see," I replied confidently, pulling her closer still.
She resisted, her body becoming heavy. "You're gross."
"You wound me," I said, removing one of my hands as I placed it over my heart.
She looked up to the ceiling as she sighed. "You're a liar."
"You love me."
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth, my heart pounding inside my chest. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. She shut down, lips pressing together as she regarded me silently; more than anything I wanted to know what she was thinking.
She lifted her palms, touch gone. "I need to get to class."
"We have the same class," I reminded her. "Skip it with me," I urged, trying to maintain her gaze. She pulled in a long breath, lashes fluttering as she debated my suggestion. I wasn't going to apologize for my slip, because even though it was freaking her out, I wanted to know; wanted to tell her I felt the same way. But I wasn't about to do that in a school hallway yards away from a girls' bathroom. I wasn't a romantic, but even I knew that wasn't the most ideal of places.
Also, I wasn't sure she was ready yet. She hadn't forgiven me, and until she did, it wouldn't feel right. To me anyway. Then of course, there was the possibility she wouldn't forgive me at all. But I couldn't think like that... I wouldn't think like that.
"I can't," she said as she pulled away fully, the final bell sounding. "Let's just go to class. We're already late."
My head hit the back of the lockers as she pushed through the double doors - this whole rejection thing was getting harder every time.
Biology was exactly the same as it had been yesterday; as it had been all week - awkward. She didn't wait for me after class, I just got an 'okay' when I told her I'd bring our previous notes with me to her house after school.
I was just about to get into my car when a body slid in between my arm and the car door, my hand just narrowly missing this girl's boob. What the fuck?
My eyes jerked up, Makenna's face smiling back at me - I resisted the urge to groan. I so didn't need that shit right then.
I forced a smile onto my face as I asked her, "What's up?" It wasn't her fault I seemed to be in a perpetually bad mood lately. It only generally happened when Bella wasn't around. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. Jesus, I was turning into one of those emo kids that listened to depressing music and dyed their hair black... maybe wrote about their feelings in black sharpie as their pain was "permanent". God I hoped it wasn't.
"Nothing, you just dropped this," she said, holding out my green lighter. I hadn't even noticed it had fallen out of my pocket.
"Oh, thanks," I said, taking it from her, her cheeks flushing as my fingers brushed her palm. She giggled. I smiled. I wanted to get home.
My first thought was that it reminded me of Bella - I was losing my mind. And then when I turned my head and actually saw her standing by Em's Jeep not two cars away, I was sure of it.
I could have sworn she looked pissed, but I blinked and the expression was gone. She turned her back to me and climbed inside, closing the door behind her and effectively shutting me out. Shit.
"I've got to go," I said, gently maneuvering Makenna as I opened the door and chucked my bag into the back seat.
Her smile waned a little. "Oh, okay. See you tomorrow."
"Sure," I said, closing the door before peeling out of the lot.
I grabbed a glass of milk and a couple of cookies as soon as I got home, ever mindful of the clock as I jammed them into my mouth.
Hoodie on and notes in hand, I dodged Em's jab to the ribs as I made my way out the front door.
"Where are you headed?" he asked after me.
"Nowhere," I shouted back, sliding up my hood.
Charlie's cruiser was thankfully missing when I jogged up the steps to the front door. I knocked twice before it opened and she moved to the side to let me pass, no greeting given. I was expecting as much.
She made her way up the stairs, and I wasn't sure if I was to follow her or not, but decided I should.
"What's your problem?" I asked stupidly, moving behind her into her room. She was grabbing her pencil case from her school bag on the floor, a frown sent my way.
"Did I tell you to follow me?" she questioned.
Frustrated, I rubbed my scalp with my left hand. "No, but then you didn't tell me to stay downstairs, either," I pointed out.
"I don't want you in here," she told me, avoiding my gaze.
I took a cautious step towards her. "Why not?"
Her frown increased, brown eyes dulling. "Seriously, Edward?"
I swallowed heavily. I knew why, I just wanted her to talk to me. I missed her.
"What were you talking to Makenna about?" she blurted, her voice coming out fast and soft.
I sucked in a deep breath as I rolled up the notes and slid them into my front pocket. "Nothing," I sighed. "I dropped something, she returned it. No big deal."
"You were touching her a lot for something that was no big deal," she mock repeated. "It looked like you were flirting with her to me."
A bitter smile found its way to my mouth. "What do you care if I flirt with someone else?" I asked, the bite in my voice not intended, but unavoidable. "You broke up with me, remember? You kicked me out!"
My chest heaved and I pressed my teeth together harshly as she turned around, eyes narrowing. I didn't think I'd ever fully understand this girl... or any girl, for that matter. Bella was maddening and beautiful... and I loved her. She took my heart... stole it; that didn't make it any less hard though. But then I wouldn't want it not to be, either.
Jesus Christ I sounded like a girl.
She laughed, the sound forced and humourless. "You're kidding me?" she said more to herself than me, eyes drifting to the ceiling as her head titled upwards. "He's got to be joking."
Yeah, definitely talking to herself.
"I don't see anyone laughing," I pointed out, feeling my irritation heighten. I was wound up tight like a ball of sting; one pull and I'd unravel.
She leveled me with her gaze, cheeks pink and distracting. "Edward, I don't know how many more times I have to say it," she stated, wrapping her arms around herself. "You fucked up," she continued, "and if you can't see that, then it's hopeless. Everything is hopeless."
I took a step closer, not backing down. "I fucking said I was sorry," I pressed, urging her to just see. "I've said it so many times."
Her eyebrows rose. "You've said it once," she shot back, all provoked instinct. "And it was half-assed at that."
I went to speak but quickly closed my mouth, a frown overtaking my features. Once?
"Don't look like that... don't make me out to be the bad person here," she added, tugging at the ends of her sleeves.
"But it's okay for you to place all the blame on me?" I asked incredulously, feeling the tension in the room. "I wasn't the one technically cheating on their boyfriend," I snapped, regretting the words almost instantly.
Her expression changed, eyes pained as her lips drew into a thin line, and I cursed myself internally, hating myself for opening my mouth. Again. I wasn't being fair, I was just as much at fault there... probably even more so considering I was the one to originally pursue Bella, and not the other way around; even if it was for different reasons back then.
"That was a low blow, Edward," she breathed, shaking her head as she looked back me, all melancholy expression.
I scrubbed my hands over my face, breathing deeply. "I know. I'm sorry." And I was.
She unwrapped her arms from around herself, fingers pushing through chestnut strands as she turned her focus out the window. "This is the exact reason I can't do this anymore," she explained in a low voice.
I felt my eyebrows pull together. "What is?" I asked, taking a step towards her, watching as her eyes darted to my movement.
She looked at me for the longest moment, and I was afraid she wasn't going to answer when her lips parted. "That fact that you keep hurting me," she pushed out, blinking quickly as she looked away again, seeming almost annoyed with herself for admitting it out loud.
I swallowed heavily and paused in front of her, my fingers moving to tug on the bottom of her shirt. "I don't mean to," I replied, attempting to pull her closer.
She looked up at me, eyes clear and assessing. "But you do," she said, trying to push my hands away.
I ignored her attempts and momentarily tightened my grip. "Don't run," I murmured, my hands sliding from her hips to her thighs, fingers grasping pale flesh as I pulled her fully into me.
She let out an unsteady breath, her palms coming to rest against my chest to push weakly. "This is my house. I won't be the one leaving," she stated firmly, her words stronger than the feeble shove of her palms.
"You kicking me out, Bella?" I wondered, bending my head until my nose brushed the side of her face, her jaw.
"I should."
I wanted to hold her all night. Tell her I was sorry, tell her that I loved her, over and over until she was tired of hearing it. But not tired of me.
"Tell me how to make it right," I murmured, my voice taking on a pleading quality.
"I can't," she whispered. "I shouldn't have to."
I squeezed my eyes shut. "I'm trying," I breathed, pressing my lips to her forehead. She tried to struggle but soon gave up, and I held her like that for a while, all warm skin before she started to shake, shoulders trembling. She was crying... and I did that. I wanted to make her tears stop, kiss them away. But I couldn't. How could I when she was barely allowing me this?
"You have to leave," she said suddenly as she pressed her face into my shirt, and I swear I felt a pang strike inside my chest; felt something akin to a punch to the gut.
I swallowed heavily. "I don't have to."
"You do, because otherwise I'm going to do something that I'll hate myself for in the morning." Her voice sounded so broken, and even though I didn't want to, I pulled away, jaw clenched. I hated myself.
"What about the project?" I asked, swallowing heavily. I didn't give a shit about the project, I just wanted to stay. "We've got two days to get this shit done."
"We'll finish it tomorrow," she answered. "I just need..." she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I need to sort things out in my head," she finally finished. "And I can't do that with you here... touching me. It's confusing me."
I nodded, hands finding purchase inside my pocket as they curled into fists. It was taking everything I had not to take the easy route, blurt out that I loved her. But I didn't want the first time I said that to be marred with my fuck ups. I wanted this to be a happy memory for her, not something shrouded in shed tears. That's not to say I hadn't thought about it though. I had, constantly, obsessions that clouded my brain, cigarette smoke and burning tobacco.
"I'll see you tomorrow then," I said gruffly, clearing my throat. She nodded jerkily, glancing at me quickly before turning her back to me as she opened her closet.
My hands found purchase in my hair as I left her room, pausing more than once on the stairs as I debated going back there and potentially fucking everything up further. No.
There was no slamming of the door this time as I walked out into the crisp spring air: I was more despondent than angry. I made my way across her lawn and onto my own, kicking random pebbles as they appeared before my feet.
And just as I got to the bottom of the outside steps that lead to my room, I paused, fingers curling around the rail. I felt the muscles in my jaw working overtime as the idea popped into my head. And I immediately fought it. Tried to push it from my head as it fought back.
Fuck it, I murmured harshly, and fisted the car keys in my pocket as I turned on my heel and got into my car.
I knew what I was about to do could blow up in my face in epic proportions. But I reminded myself who I was doing it for and took a deep breath, trying to ignore the way my fingers gripped the steering wheeling as I pulled out of the driveway, knuckles pale against the dark leather.
Spring was really showing, first buds starting to appear, littering the constant green at the roadside. The roads were busier at this time of day, workers commuting back and forth, the drive taking a little longer than it would have only hours earlier.
My jaw was tense, shoulders matching as I glanced at the clock on the dashboard, the sky only just starting to darken, a light grey merging with the blue and clouds above.
I found the somewhat familiar opening at the side of the road, the track wide enough for at least two cars. There were a few kids playing with a soccer ball as I tried to remember which house was his; they all looked pretty similar. I'd only been down here a couple of times, and they'd all been brief, a few minute's wait while Leah dropped something off at her cousin, Emily's house. She'd always asked me to bring her down here when her mom forced her to, for some reason... maybe so she had an excuse not to stay. And I got that, especially after what she'd confided in me only months prior. We weren't super close, but our families knew each other from before. The Clearwaters lived near us for a while before we moved to Forks - they moved quite a bit - but Leah and her family finally settled here a couple of years back due to her dad's health: they wanted to be nearer to family. And Sue Clearwater was a big help to Mom when she lost the baby, dropping by to see how she was, baking cakes and shit for me, Em and Allie.
Leah was a few years older than I was, but she trusted me for some reason. Maybe due to the fact I was outside her immediate circle. I don't know. It didn't really matter though, not really, as it just never went down well with Jacob or some of her other friends down at the rez. They couldn't understand why she'd want to hang out with me knowing my "reputation". No matter how many times Leah told them it wasn't like that, that we weren't fooling around, they didn't believe her. In the end, we stopped defending ourselves and just let them think what they wanted. It wasn't my business to say anything anyway, so it was easier in that sense.
I spotted Jacob's house after a few minutes and pulled over, the black car parked out front solidifying my previous inkling. I didn't want to do it... not really. Everything inside of me was screaming against me getting out of the car.
I cut the engine, but didn't make a move straight away. I lingered, my palms scrubbing at the sides of my face as my right knee started to bounce in the limited space. The temperature was dropping and I was getting more and more frustrated with myself... with the whole situation. I had no reason to apologize to Jacob. Or maybe I did; somewhere I knew it was a shitty move to steal another guy's girlfriend straight from under his nose. But I wasn't sorry. I could never be sorry about Bella.
I spotted the curtains twitching in my peripheral, and knew I couldn't stay sitting here like this forever, knew that I had to make a decision. So with one last deep breath, I pulled on the handle and climbed out, the click of the door behind me giving sound to my resolve.
Dirt clung to my shoes as I crossed the small distance to the door, blue soles turning brown. I kept my eyes on the ground, dodging puddles when necessary, and was just passing the garage attached to the side of the house when a clanging sound rang out from inside, a muffled curse swiftly following.
I immediately paused, recognizing the voice of the person inside. I slipped my hands into the front flap of my hoodie as I stepped closer to the door, my self-doubt crashing against me just like the waves I could hear in the distance.
Bella missed him... and I knew he had yet to answer any of her calls. I'd heard Alice talking to Rose about it yesterday as I passed her bedroom. Rose was very much against her calling him in the first place, stating he was an emotional blackmailer from things Bella had told her, but Alice wasn't so sure. She was thinking more about Bella herself, and how this was affecting her, even if she had been the cause.
There was still so much guilt hanging over her head, and while that was still suffocating, it was unlikely she'd be able to look at me without thinking of him, too. Viewing it that way... maybe it was a little for myself as well. I held back a bitter smile; it seemed there was no end to my selfishness when it came to her.
I was about to just get it over with when the gap in the door widened, and Jacob stepped out. He didn't see me straight away, too busy wiping the oil off his hands with an already dirty piece of cloth. But when he did... his whole demeanor switched. The passive expression on his face morphed into one of undisguised hatred.
His arms dropped to his sides, muscles tensing as he spat out, "What are you doing here?"
I held his glare, trying really hard not to form one of my own as I answered him. "I came to talk to you," I explained, not stepping down.
"I have nothing to say to you," he said, his tone final.
I didn't let that deter me. "It's about Bella."
He took a step forward, finger pointed, his anger more than present. "You don't get to talk to me... especially not about her," he said harshly. He lowered his hand, gaze drifting off to the right. "I don't care what she does."
I took a deep breath, trying to hold onto that last bit of control I had. "You don't mean that," I said, shaking my head.
He threw the piece of cloth to the side, uncaring where it landed. "You've really got some nerve," he seethed. "Why are you really here, huh? Come to gloat some more?"
"No," I snapped, trying to rein back my anger. "For some reason, she misses you. I don't get it, but she does," I said truthfully. I hated admitting to it - my life would be a whole lot easier if she didn't give two shits about him.
His face creased. "Yeah, it really looked like it when she had her tongue down your throat."
I felt my expression harden. "You weren't even together then, and you know it," I voiced, pulling my hands from my pocket. "Stop trying to make it out to be something that it's not. We both know why you're pissed."
He looked away, unwilling to agree. I continued.
"If it was anyone else, it wouldn't have mattered. But it wasn't, it was me. And the truth is that you can't stand the fact that she'd choose me over you."
"Of course I don't like it!" he shouted, arms out at his sides. "You treat girls like dirt. I didn't want that for her."
I shook my head in bitter amusement. "You don't know shit," I spat, eyes narrowing. "You don't know the first thing about me."
He crossed his arms over his chest, nostrils flaring. "I know enough."
I pressed my teeth together, jaw clenching. "I didn't come here to talk about me. Just... don't take it out on her," I said, pulse racing in anger. "It's not her fault. I went after her, not the other way around. If you want to blame anyone, blame me. I'm the asshole here."
A scoff passed through his lips. "How valiant," he sneered.
"You think I want to be here?" I asked, jabbing a finger at my own chest, my control slipping once more. "I'd rather be anywhere else but here right now. I don't want to be talking about this crap with you. If I had my way Bella wouldn't even think of you. At all. But I've lost something that means more to me than you could ever understand; so if that means I have to come over here to make it right for her, I will. To be honest, I couldn't give a fuck if you liked it or not."
"You really are a piece of shit, do you know that?" he laughed, the sound devoid of all humour. "You think you can just here come and apologize and everything will be forgiven?" He shook his head. "Even you're not that stupid."
I scoffed. "This isn't an apology."
His eyes hardened. "No, there never is one with you," he responded. "Just like what you did with Leah—"
I bristled. "There was nothing with Leah! I'm not going to apologize for shit I didn't do!" I shouted, interrupting him.
He glared right back at me, his mouth forming a hard line. "So what about all the shit you did do?" he demanded. "You tear people apart - you didn't care that Bella had a boyfriend before you started messing with her head. You did it because you wanted to, consequences be damned."
I shook his words off. "I didn't come here to talk about me," I repeated for a second time, his words hitting too close to home. "Talk to her. Answer the phone when she calls."
"Why, so we can talk about your little visit?" he taunted.
"No," I answered calmly. "She doesn't even know I'm here."
He eyed me steadily. "Bullshit."
I shook my head. "It's true. I'm not exactly doing this for me," I explained.
He watched my face, no doubt for signs that I was lying, eyes assessing. "You fell for her, didn't you?" he questioned.
I shoved my hands into my pockets, not answering him.
He started laughing again, hands clenching by his sides. "You're so messed up," he said, his tone acerbic. "This is so messed up."
There wasn't much I could say to that, maybe because he was a lot right. Or maybe because I just didn't want to agree with him. We were both hurting over the same girl, albeit for very different reasons. Did that form some sort of impasse? No. Did that make me hate him any less? Never. But when he told me to get the fuck away from his house, I didn't come back with some smart ass remark, I simply turned around and walked back to my car. This time the door clicked with more finality.
I'd done what I came here to do; what I came to say. If he didn't listen, didn't care, there wasn't much more I could do.
I drove back down the now-empty track, night having fallen without much realization on my part. The twisting roads before me gave life to the thoughts inside my head... that sinking feeling inside my chest.
I couldn't stop wondering, couldn't stop the apprehension that spiked through my veins like uncontrolled adrenaline.
What if this isn't enough? What if I'm just not enough? I gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, trying to snap myself out of it.
Only time would tell. And while there was a lot of it, it didn't quell that fear.
I drowned out my thoughts with the radio, volume high, listening to songs about heartbreak and unrequited feelings.
At least, for a time, I had a reprieve.
At least, for a time, they weren't my own.
Reviews will get a teaser for the next chapter.
Okies, I have a few bits and bobs this week. Firstly, a couple of recs:
'Everlasting Why' by suitablyironicmoniker. This is so well written. Young, training-to-be social worker Bella meets vamp Edward, who for all intense and purposes is a seventeen year old boy. I'm so bad at summaries, but I'm so excited by where it's headed.
And, 'He's Lost Control' by Fliegendamsel. I really like this Bella. And Romanian Mathward is also pretty wonderful. ;]
Please leave both stories some love.
Also, are you writing for the Twilight of Craiglist contest? You should! I'm one of four judges. The other three are all super lovely. Submissions deadline is December 27th. We'd love to see you there. Here's a link if anyone is interested:
http:/www(dot)fanfiction(dot)net/u/3211840/TwilightofCraigslistContest
And lastly, EE is up for fic of the month over at The Lemonade Stand! Voting closes Wednesday. All votes are greatly appreciated. :)
http:/tehlemonadestand(dot)blogspot(dot)com/
Thanks so much for reading.
VHL xx