Disclaimer – I do not own BMT world, it belongs to Trudi Canavan.

Second Thoughts

Lorlen instructed Sonea to sit in a nearby chair. Once she was comfortable, he came over and stood slightly to one side of her. He raised his hand, ready to place it against her temple. As he did so, Sonea came to her senses.

"Stop!" she cried. "You can't do it!"

He stared at her in surprise and she realised he had forgotten too.

"Black magic," she said quietly, "If you enter my mind, you will learn black magic. You must not."

Lorlen grew pale, "How could I forget that?" He shook his head slowly. "After all that's happened, how could I forget?"

"It's my fault, Lorlen. I just didn't think." She shrugged, " I been so concerned with the effects of the drug and how to get rid of it, everything else faded to the back of my mind. I'll just have to be patient and wait for it to wear off, it's just that I really need my magic and I need it now."

She saw that he was looking at her with a question in his eyes. "There are still Ichani in the city, Lorlen." This time the expression in his eyes was one of disbelief.

"Surely that can't be so," he said earnestly. "The Guild would not leave any of the invaders free to do what mischief they wish. The city is quiet; there has been no indication that rogue magicians are still here. The Warriors on patrol are looking for you, not foreign black magicians. You must be mistaken, Sonea."

She found it touching that despite all that had happened, and everything she'd told him the last time they had met, Lorlen still had faith in the Guild. In many ways she envied him. She had completely lost her faith and it was surprisingly painful, but she would never, never again trust the Guild and any of its magicians, save for the one standing in front of her.

"There are at least two of them," she explained. "One was badly injured in the fighting outside the gates. He was carried away by another just before the Warriors came out. They are still in the city, believe me, Lorlen. We know roughly where in the city, but not the exact place."

"We?" he said slowly.

"I mean I….I know where they are," she said hastily, but it was too late and she found she had betrayed Akkarin after all.

Lorlen opened a cupboard and produced a bottle and two cups. He poured the wine and thrust a cup in her direction. "I think you'd better tell me the truth, all of it mind, not just those bits you think I ought to know."

She took a hasty gulp and savoured the warm glow it created as she swallowed. She took another, then looked at Lorlen, still strange to her eyes in his bright green Healer's robes. "We, that is Akkarin and I, we know the general area and we are searching for their hiding place."

Lorlen expelled his breath in a loud sigh, "He's alive, then." It wasn't a question and Sonea sensed great feelings of relief in Lorlen's reaction.

"Yes, I found him again, after I saw you in the square." She couldn't prevent her happiness from colouring her tone and saw that Lorlen heard it clearly. "We have this last task to do; to kill the remaining Ichani. Then we will go away. You won't see us again."

She held her breath, not knowing what Lorlen would do next. To her surprise, he abruptly left the room and was gone for a few moments. When he returned, he said, "I've locked my door so we won't be disturbed. You'd better tell me everything."

He produced another chair and sat beside her, regarding her calmly with a steady gaze as she did what he asked. She told him about finding Akkarin down by the docks and that they were staying together in the city. She explained about Kariko and what she had learned from Cery about the one or two deaths, which bore the hallmarks of a black magic attack. Finally, she described the search being made for the invaders and why regaining her use of magic was so important.

"I need to be able to help Akkarin, otherwise he may not be able to finish Kariko off. He nearly killed Akkarin the last time, and I can't risk him going after the Ichani alone. You do see, don't you Lorlen?"

Lorlen was silent for a moment, then he asked, "Akkarin has seen the effects of the drug in your mind?"

"Yes."

"Then it's simple. I'll come with you and get him to read your mind and tell me exactly what he sees. Then I can tell him what to do, without having to go there myself. There's a good chance we can deal with the problem that way."

He looked at her with a smile, pleased he'd found a solution, but she frowned at him. She hadn't told him of her promise to Akkarin and now she found herself reluctant to confess she had broken her word.

He noticed her hesitation, "What is it?" Then he answered his own question, "Akkarin doesn't know you've come to see me, does he?"

"It's worse than that," she whispered. "I made him a promise not to have any contact with you or any member of the Guild. I promised no one should know he was still alive and in the city."

"Oh, Sonea," Lorlen said sympathetically, "What a muddle you've created."

Much to her embarrassment, the warm sympathy in Lorlen's tone caused tears to flood her eyes. She tried to brush them away quickly, and blinked furiously. This didn't prevent them from spilling down her cheeks.

She reached for a handkerchief to wipe her face, "I don't know what's the matter with me," she tried for a laugh, but failed dismally, "I seem to spend a lot of time weeping these days. I'm either deliriously happy or ready to sob as if my heart is breaking and the worst thing is, I never know which I'm going to be from one minute to another."

"That's not like you at all," Lorlen replied, his Healers' training taking over, "Perhaps you're not well."

He took hold of her hand and concentrated for a moment, "Yes, there are signs of…something. May I examine you more deeply?"

Gaining her acceptance, he took her other hand as well, and closed his eyes. She knew he was delving into her body with that strange ability all qualified Healers possessed. She imaged him looking at her blood, to see how well it flowed, and examining her organs, perhaps watching the pulsating beat of her heart. She looked at his face; it was full of concentration as his magic explored every part of her, except her mind.

Lorlen opened his eyes, and smiled at her, "I've found the culprit," he said cheerfully. "You have nothing really to worry about, at least not for several months yet."

She stared at him mystified, What on earth did he mean?

He took pity on her, "You are pregnant, Sonea. You're going to have a baby."

If she hadn't already been sitting down, she would have fallen to the floor in shock. It was the last thing she would ever have thought of. Pregnant? How? Well, obviously she knew how, but when? And why hadn't she realised? "How long have I been pregnant?" she asked, her voice quavering.

"Not long," he said, looking at her closely, "What's wrong?"

She searched for the right words to express the tumult of her emotions. A child, a son perhaps, just like Akkarin! At another time, in other circumstances, she probably would have been dancing round the room, but now, with the Ichani loose, her magic blocked and the father of her child soon to engage in another fight to the death, Lorlen's news couldn't have been worse. He was still looking at her, waiting for her answer.

"It's such a shock," she managed at last, "I don't know what to say."

It was Lorlen's turn to frown, "You must have expected it, Sonea. After all, you are well aware of how to prevent such things until the time is right." He noticed the puzzlement on her face. "Surely you were taught the spell, the one to prevent pregnancy, weren't you?

She felt the colour creep over her cheeks. What a conversation to be having with Lorlen of all people. "I don't remember! Why didn't Akkarin say something!"

"It's the woman's responsibility, Sonea, not the man's. He would assume you were taking the proper steps. Didn't you pay attention in your classes? When I was a novice, we seemed to have lessons on this subject several times a year!"

"Well I didn't!" she said sharply. It was too late to have a deep discussion about what she might or might not have learned.

"All right," Lorlen said soothingly. "It doesn't matter now. Anyway, it certainly accounts for your emotions. Some expectant mothers spend the whole time weeping in corners or throwing plates at their men folk, and others are not affected at all. It seems you're one of the ones subject to mood changes. They'll be quite frequent for the next few months, so you'd better get used to them and don't forget to warn Akkarin."

Akkarin! How was she going to tell him? She knew exactly what he would say and do! Once he knew about the child, there'd be no chance of her going after Kariko. He would try to keep her well away from any fighting. It was bad enough before, when it was just her own safety he was worried about, if he knew about the child he would probably keep her under guard!

"I can't tell Akkarin," she said. "You must promise me not to tell him either."

There was another strange look from Lorlen. He must think I am mad, she thought. Or perhaps he thinks it's someone else's child. She tried to explain, "If he knows, he won't let me help him and I'm afraid he won't be able to do it on his own."

"Well," the Healer said reluctantly, "I can't make you reveal your pregnancy and it's not my place to tell him. However I can't approve of your decision. He'll have to know some time and the longer you put it off, the harder it will be. Equally, I can't approve of your going off to fight some powerful black magician, especially with your emotions in such a fragile state. Have you considered that you might pose an even greater threat to Akkarin in that condition, than letting him fight on his own?"

"That's not true," she said sharply. "Do you think I would let anything prevent me from fighting the Ichani with all my might? From defending Akkarin if he needed it? What sort of a person do you think I am?"

As the words left her mouth, she realised it would be a bad mistake to quarrel with Lorlen. He was her only hope to get rid of the effects of the drug quickly. Hopefully he would put her sharp tone down to her emotional problems.

"Look," she said more gently, "Akkarin worries about my safety. If he knew I was with child, he would worry even more. You said I haven't been pregnant long, so the baby won't interfere with my ability to fight for months yet. Once the Ichani are finished, I'll tell him. I promise."

She was conscious that her record in keeping promises was not good at the moment and hoped that the same thought didn't occur to Lorlen. It looked as if it hadn't because he nodded his head in agreement.

"All right, Sonea. You know your own affairs best. Now what are we going to do about your magic?"

She smiled suddenly, "You're right about the muddle I've created. I've broken my promise to Akkarin by coming here and telling you everything. He's going to be very angry with me…again. As far as he's concerned, I'm still his… how did he put it? Oh yes, his half-trained, disobedient Novice. You wouldn't believe how angry he was with me for refusing my judgement and going into exile with him! In fact, he spent a lot of the time we were in the wastelands being angry with me."

Lorlen laid a gentle hand on her arm, "Are you afraid of him, Sonea?"

"No," she said softly, "I'm only afraid of driving him away from me. I love him so much and I can't bear to think of life without him."

"But does he love you, Sonea?"

"You asked me that before, and I can only say what I said then, I don't know. But, it doesn't make any difference to me and I'll never allow myself to be separated from him."

"You have a choice, you know. You could walk out of here and back to him, never mentioning you came to see me. Time will deal with your magic problem. There's no need to make him angry."

"It's too late Lorlen. He will read it in my thoughts. No, I'll take you back with me and face the trouble that'll bring. And on the way, perhaps you can tell me how to explain what I've done in such a way that he'll only be a little angry with me!"