Whatever It Takes

Chapter 36

This Is Where The Healing Begins

Peter and Elizabeth called again to be let into the ICU and finally someone answered. Going through the doors, they noticed that there was still a bunch of activity, but it seemed to be centered on Mara Steele's room. It only took Peter a few seconds to recognize the fact that Neal was in Mara's room, a fact that made him completely terrified and totally furious. Within seconds of this realization, Neal had been removed from the room by one of his agents, who tightly held the kid's arm.

Peter strode forward, demanding to know what was going on. The agent abruptly dropped Neal's arm, obviously flustered to be face to face with Peter. "Sir, I don't know how he got into her room. There was a situation in another patient's room and then he was just in there. He barricaded the doors, so we couldn't get in right away. We removed him as soon as we could."

"Did Mara do anything to him?" Peter asked.

"No, sir. As far as we could tell, they only talked. He was only in there for two to three minutes, tops."

"How the hell did he get past you, Agent Linfield? Your job was to keep everyone, but the staff out of her room."

Peter was furious and Neal was glad that his fury was aimed at the poor agent for now. He knew his time was coming, though. As he watched the scene play out in front of him, he sidled closer to Elizabeth, hoping to take advantage of her protective instincts, although he had a feeling that she would be just as mad once she found out what had happened.

"Neal, are you okay? What in the world were you doing in there?" Elizabeth was looking him over, from head to toe, not looking pleased with the thin sheen of sweat covering him.

Neal looked at Elizabeth, blue eyes pleading with her to understand, but before he could say anything, his legs buckled, sending him to the floor. Dizziness rushed over him, as he lay at Elizabeth's feet.

"Neal!" Elizabeth cried. "Peter! Help me get him back to his room."

By that time, several nurses had arrived, but before they could do anything, Peter had scooped him up and was carrying him back to his bed. Once back on the bed, the nurses worked to get him hooked back up to his IV and monitors, and then checked his vital signs. "Neal, how are you feeling? Can you tell me what happened?" Jessie asked.

"I'm okay. My legs just felt weak and I got a little dizzy. I'm fine." Neal chanced a glance at Peter, noticing that his previous look of fury was replaced with a look of concern. For some reason, this made Neal feel even worse.

After the nurses were done checking him out, they assured Peter and Elizabeth that aside from a small rise in his temperature and pulse, Neal was okay. Once they left, Neal was alone with a still worried Elizabeth and a once again angry Peter.

"Explain." Peter looked as if it was taking all of his self-control to keep from yelling.

"Peter, maybe we should wait a while to do this," Elizabeth tried.

"No, El. He said he was okay, so I want to know what in hell possessed him to do exactly what I told him not to do!" Turning back to Neal, he said again, "Explain."

Neal straightened himself up in the bed. "I needed to talk to her, Peter. I had to see her and you wouldn't let me."

"Why did you want to see her so badly, Neal? Help us understand why it was so important to you."

"I don't know why! I just…I had to. There were things I had to tell her. Things she needed to hear." Neal was getting flustered, not feeling like he was getting Peter to understand. How could he make Peter understand, when he didn't really understand it himself? "I couldn't let her think that I was pathetic. I couldn't let her think that she won."

"Neal, does it really matter what she thinks? " Peter didn't understand why Neal cared what Mara thought of him. She had shot him! Why should he care what Mara thought?

Neal looked down at his hands that were curled in his lap. Reaching deep inside of himself, he continued on, not able to look at either of them. "You don't know what it was like for me growing up, Peter. You and Elizabeth….you both had parents that loved you. You never had to worry about where you were going to sleep at night, or when you were going to eat again. Before I met Mozzie, my whole existence revolved around those questions. I was nine years old, Peter, living on the streets of New York. I learned how to pick-pocket. I learned how to manipulate people into giving me things. I learned how to use my blue eyes and my smile to worm my way into people's hearts. I stole. I lied. I did whatever I had to do to stay alive. And all because of that woman. Because of her, I didn't go to school. Because of her, I thought that there was something wrong with me. Why didn't anyone love me? Why didn't anyone care that I was sleeping in an alley or getting food out of the trash? Why did other kids have moms and dads that loved them, when I didn't? Why did policemen walk by me and not wonder why such a young kid wasn't in school or why he wasn't with an adult? Because no one cared, right? If my own mother didn't care about me, why should anyone else?"

Elizabeth started to say something, but Neal continued. "In my little nine year old mind, I thought that I must just be a bad kid. That's how I justified the stealing and the lying. I was bad, so I might as well do bad things, right? When I met Keller, I finally had a chance to make some real money and I felt justified in doing the things I did for him. For the first time, I felt like I had a purpose. What kind of kid feels like his purpose is to forge valuable paintings and steal valuable gems?! A bad kid, right? That's what I was….. a bad kid that did bad things, a kid that didn't deserve to be loved, a worthless kid. I still feel that way sometimes, even though you both have told me over and over that it's not true. I feel that way every time I screw up and I'll probably always feel that way, thanks to Mara. But, you both have taught me that love is unconditional and that what Mara did to me wasn't because of anything I did. I know deep in my heart that that's true. I know that I deserve to be loved and that I deserve to be cared for, that I'm not worthless. Deep down, I know that. But, these insecurities keep bubbling to the surface, you know? Especially after everything that's happened, and I thought….. Well, I thought that maybe if I confronted her that…. If I could just tell her that she was wrong…If I could get her to understand that I'm okay, that I've always been okay…..if I could get her to see that I finally got the family I deserve, that you guys love me despite of who I am…..if I could get her to believe that, then maybe I could finally believe it, too."

By the time Neal was finished, he was exhausted. His head was hurting and he wanted desperately to go to sleep. Elizabeth and Peter were standing in front of his bed, both trying to process everything he had said. Peter was the first to speak, his voice hoarse with emotion.

"Neal…son….I'm so sorry. I should have given you a chance to explain to us why you wanted to talk to her. I should have listened. I just get so angry when I think of her being anywhere near you, bud. I thought I was protecting you from her, preventing her from ever hurting you again. I'm sorry."

Neal looked up at Peter, surprised to hear him apologize. He figured that Peter wouldn't understand, but now he wished he had given him the chance. If he had just told them why he wanted to see her, instead of closing himself off and sulking, maybe he wouldn't have had to sneak around. He suddenly felt really guilty for pushing the code button in that patient's room.

Elizabeth walked forward and sat on the edge of Neal's bed, grabbing his hand in hers. "I think we all went about things the wrong way today. Next time, we need to all take the time to talk these things out, okay? We told you when you first came to stay with us that we would always listen to your side of things, but we definitely didn't do that today. I'm so sorry, Neal. And just so you know, we love you because of who you are, not despite of who you are. We love you, sweetie, and we always will. There is nothing you could do that would change that.

Neal gave Elizabeth a small smile. She noticed his face looked awfully pale beneath the flush of his cheeks. "I'm going to have the nurse check your temperature again, okay? You look awful."

A few minutes later, the nurse checked his temperature which had climbed up to 102 degrees. After taking some medicine to help bring it down, Elizabeth tucked Neal into bed. "Get some sleep, Neal. We'll talk more about this later." She kissed him on the forehead, before taking a seat in the chair next to his bed. Peter decided it was time to go out and talk to his agents, hoping to find out exactly how they allowed a fifteen year old boy to sneak by them.

Neal woke up a few hours later to find Elizabeth still sitting in the chair next to him, reading her book. Peter was nowhere in sight. "Beth? What time is it?"

Elizabeth jerked her head up, a smile bright on her face. "Hi, sweetie, it's almost dinner time. Are you hungry?" She stood up and placed her hand against his forehead, a small frown covering her face. "You still feel awfully warm."

Grabbing the call light, Elizabeth called for the nurse to check his temperature. Neal watched with glazed eyes when the nurse confirmed that his temperature was still up…. 102.8 degrees, to be exact. He wasn't happy when the nurse told him that they would have to draw some blood from him to send for a culture. He hated having his blood drawn.

After the blood was drawn and sent to the lab, Neal sat up and tried to eat something. He didn't have much of an appetite and he ached all over. When Elizabeth was finally satisfied that he had eaten some jello and pudding, he laid back down, closed his eyes and fell back to sleep.

Peter finally returned to Neal's room after dealing with his two agents. He was not happy with how they had carried out their jobs, but he knew how sneaky Neal could be. He had Jones send another team of agents to replace them after giving them a stern warning that if anything like this happened again, they would be transferred to another unit.

Upon returning to the room, Elizabeth filled him in on the fact that Neal had a high fever again. Peter couldn't help but feel frustrated that these things kept happening to Neal. The poor kid had been through so much. Looking at his wife, he could tell that she was exhausted. "El, why don't you lay down and get some rest? It's been a long day."

Elizabeth looked, longingly, at the oversized chair that pulled out into a bed. She knew that Peter was just as exhausted as she was, but decided to take him up on his offer. "Okay, hon, but don't let me sleep too long. You need to get some rest, too."

Within minutes Elizabeth was sound asleep, the sound of her gentle breathing mixing with Neal's slightly heavier breaths. Peter watched the boy sleep, not surprised to find that his was a restless sleep. Every time he had ever watched Neal sleeping, the boy had been restless. The only time he had ever looked at peace was when he was in a coma, a thought that didn't sit well with Peter.

As he watched, Neal became more agitated and restless, moans of discomfort escaping his mouth. He could tell that the boy was drenched in sweat, which hopefully meant that his fever had broken. He heard Neal whisper a few soft words, but Peter couldn't understand them. Minutes later, Neal started calling out for Peter in a voice that frightened him. Peter quickly sat down on the bed next to Neal, gently rubbing his shoulder.

"Neal…Neal, it's okay, bud. You're okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, son."

Neal started to relax with the help of Peter's voice and shoulder rubbing. Pretty soon he had calmed down completely, his breathing deep and easy, a peaceful look on his face. Peter stayed on the edge of the bed for a long time, watching Neal sleep. Watching his son sleep.

Neal didn't wake up until the next morning, feeling more rested than he could ever remember feeling. Peter was asleep in the chair beside the bed, his head resting on Neal's bed, and Elizabeth was asleep on the pull-out bed across the room. Neal didn't want to disturb them, but he really needed to use the bathroom. He tried to get out of bed on his own, but he accidentally dropped his call light, hitting Peter in the head. Peter jerked his head up, a curse word flying out of his mouth, as he looked around wildly, trying to figure out what was going on.

Neal couldn't help but laugh at the big, intimidating FBI agent with evidence of drool on his cheek and a waffle design imprinted on his face from Neal's blanket. "What's so funny? And why did you hit me on the head?"

This made Neal laugh even harder, which made him remember that he needed the bathroom desperately. "Peter, help me to the bathroom. Please? I really have to go."

Peter stood up, rubbing his head where the call light had hit him, and helped Neal to the bathroom. Once Neal was done, he climbed back onto the bed and turned on the television.

"Wait a minute, Neal. I need to talk to you." Peter had his serious face on and Neal had a feeling he knew what was coming. Turning the TV back off, Neal looked at Peter.

"We need to talk about what happened yesterday. I understand why you did what you did, but I'm not happy with the way you went about it. What were you thinking, Neal? You pushed the code button in another patient's room? Do you have any idea how his family would have felt if they had heard that? You would have put them through unnecessary stress and fear. You did put the staff through unnecessary stress when they thought their patient was dying. Did you even stop to think about any of that?" Peter looked directly at Neal, expecting an answer.

Neal hadn't thought of any of that at the time and he suddenly felt extremely ashamed of himself. When he didn't answer, Peter spoke again. "I expect an answer, Neal."

"No, sir, I didn't think of that. I just wanted to get into Mara's room and I needed a distraction. I'm sorry." Neal's voice was so quiet that Peter had to work hard to hear it.

"I'm not the one you need to apologize to, son. I think you owe an apology to all of the staff, don't you?"

"Yes, sir."

"I think you owe an apology to the patient in the room next to Mara's, too. She told the staff that a rude young man came through her room, ignoring her as he went through the side door. I'm assuming that was you?"

"Yes, sir."

"You invaded her privacy, Neal, and probably scared her."

Neal didn't have an answer for that.

"The last thing I want to talk about is the fact that you barricaded yourself in Mara's room. What were you thinking? If something had happened, the agents wouldn't have been able to get in to help you. You put yourself in great danger, Neal, and that is not acceptable!"

"Oh, come on, Peter, what was she going to do? Hit me with her call light? Throw her bedpan at me?" Neal knew he shouldn't joke about it, but he thought that Peter was getting a little carried away in his paranoid protectiveness.

"This is nothing to joke about, Neal George Caffrey. Mara is unpredictable, and in case it's already slipped your memory, she tried to kill you. She could have tried again and you were in no shape to fight her off." By this time, Peter was nearly yelling, waking Elizabeth out of a sound sleep.

"What is going on here?" she asked, as she sat up in the bed. She threw a glare at her husband, before telling him to keep his voice down. "We are in a hospital, Peter, in case you've forgotten."

Peter ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm himself down. After several minutes, he turned back to Neal. "You have to start thinking things through, Neal. Although I admire your ingenuity in getting past two armed guards, your actions were selfish and inconsiderate to everyone around you. And I will not allow you to so carelessly gamble with your life. Is that clear?"

"Yes, sir."

"I hope you really understand what I'm saying, kid. I don't think you truly comprehend how dangerous this little stunt was. You deliberately disobeyed me, little man, and that is not acceptable. Now, finding ways to effectively punish you while you're here is challenging and limited, to say the least. So, after you've made your apologies to everyone, you'll come back here and spend some time sitting in this chair, in that corner over there." Peter pointed to a corner that had been cleared of supplies while he was sleeping.

Neal blushed at his words. "Peter, I'm too old to sit in the corner. Please don't make me do that! Everyone will see and know I'm in trouble."

"Oh, don't worry, Neal. Everyone already knows you're in trouble. In fact, the nurses are the ones that cleared out the corner for me. And they all agree….you're never too old to sit in the corner and reflect on the choices you've made.

Neal looked to Elizabeth for support. "Don't you flash those baby blues at me, Neal George Caffrey. I happen to agree with your father on this one."

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Author's note: I wasn't too sure how this chapter was going to turn out, but I'm pretty happy with it. Now, everything is out in the open and they can finally deal with it. I love that Peter and Elizabeth were able to admit that they should have listened to Neal. Sometimes, it's hard not to think you always know best as an adult, and it's hard to admit you're wrong.

I'm wondering if any of you had the chance to listen to the song I mentioned in the last chapter's author's note and if you did, what you thought of it? It's such a beautiful song.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. Take care.