Chapter 37 – 5 stages of grief

"The trouble is; you think you have time."

Time passes by faster and faster the old you get. When you were young it felt like the school days would drag and the years would just last forever because you wanted summer to arrive. Summer seemed to drag on too when you just wanted school to start again to see all of your friends in the same place. Yet, as you got older and the decisions got harder time sped up. You had more to do in such little time. Everything flies by when you are trying to get it to slow down just long enough to enjoy.

All day fly by and then when you feel like time is completely running out you panic. You begin to do everything you can to drag your feet through the mud to just slow time down enough to enjoy every little thing that you have left and you only begin to do this when you know that your time is limited. The moment my mom died was the moment I realized that I didn't have forever. I had to enjoy my time with Collin and make sure that I was always there for him.

Then Collin's cancer diagnosis came and suddenly time seemed to vanish in front of our eyes. We were spending all of our time at the hospital or being locked in a room because we couldn't be anywhere else. Time was flying and then when the final verdict came down that there was nothing that could be done for him there was no time left. It was just a spinning clock moving faster and faster until the hands were growing to break off from utter exhaustion.

I was exhausted.

So exhausted.

I was exhausted from watching my son fight for his life every single day. I was ready for him to stop fighting.

I was accepting this fate.

And that caused everything in me to stall and become scared as hell because I was realizing that he was in too much pain to go on.

Tuesday, September 15th, 2015

Collin puked into a bucket because the chemo effects were so harsh on him and he hated it. They were causing every awful reaction that was possible to the chemo but it was important we persisted with the treatment. We had discussed several times since starting treatment of just stopping to let him live but his tumors were shrinking.

It gave me so much hope in the fact that they were shrinking and it was working. I rubbed his back in an even motion as he just cried and cried. I wanted to do everything I could to make him feel better but nothing was working. Once I cleaned him up, I moved so he could sit in my lap and he buried his face into my chest while I just rocked him while giving him another dose of morphine to make him sleep just for a little bit. I needed him to just sleep for a little bit.

Troy was constantly researching something or doing something to keep his mind busy from this awful times. He would stop though and switch me spots every now and then to give me a ten second break to breath and to just cry for a minute. I just needed to cry several different times and it normally led to sleep which was also much needed. Collin shook against my chest and I rubbed his back because he just needed love.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I asked him quietly as I watched the nurse switch out his bedding, I thanked her and we then laid back down onto the bed. I scrolled through until I found a movie that he wanted to watch. He laid content in my arms while Troy came back into the room with his face so stressed. He was trying everything, I patted the spot next to me and his eyes were so heavy and tired. "Come sit with us Troy and watch a movie."

"Gabs, I am trying to figure out how to keep his nausea at bay," I shook my head, "Come sit." I demanded, "As your pregnant wife, I need you to come lay with us for a little bit." He sighed defeated and finally came over to the other side of Collin as he picked him up and scooted onto the bed letting Collin rest against him. I snuggled into Troy's body and he exhaled while laying down letting his eyes fall close almost immediately.

I didn't say anything as I only adjusted the blankets while we all rested together in the bed. Sammy came in at one point and she smiled, "He needed that," I nodded looking up at him to see him fast asleep. "He just won't stop long enough to actually do it." She pulled up a chair to see what movie we were watching. "I'm sorry you are going through all of this." She said putting her chin into the palm of her hand. "It's okay," I reminded her and she sighed, "You don't deserve this."

"Nobody deserves this," Sammy didn't say anything but only shrugged as if she knew people that should feel this pain. I closed my eyes because if I kept them open any longer I was going to cry. I breathed in and out and I looked over at her, "Pregnancy hormones and this together don't mix." Sammy laughed and nodded, "I bet it doesn't." Troy twitched in his sleep and Collin curled into his body releasing me from the bed.

"Do you guys want a break tonight together?" I shook my head, "I'm not leaving him right now. I can't." Sammy didn't protest but she knew what I was saying. Who knew what could happen overnight and if I wasn't here and something happened to him. I would absolutely never forgive myself. He needed to know that I was always there for him and he could always count on me. I have been there since day one for him and it has mostly always been the two of us.

I sat up and grabbed the side of the bed as I put my feet on the ground and then scanned the board in front of me.

Bolton-Montez, Collin

Neuroblastoma – Trial Patient

My stomach twisted reading the words on the board and then I felt like puking after that. I couldn't tell if it had been morning sickness or just the feeling of losing your child. My eyes welled with tears as I walked to the bathroom. I shut the door, turned on the shower, and then sat on the edge of the toilet as I let the tears fall off my face. The tears turned to sobs that I muffled with burying my face into my hands because the pain was increasing. My heart was shattering with every minute that Collin was suffering and I didn't know how to help him.

I just wanted to help him and anymore I figured helping him would be letting him just pass and be pain free for once in his short life. I heard the door open and a person slid next to me wrapping me in their arms. "Oh sweetie," Lucy whispered into my ear as I turned into her for a hug. She held me tightly and didn't let go until my sobbing subsided.

I didn't move because I lost my strength and will to do so and I kept my head tucked close to hers. "You are being so incredibly strong for Collin and Troy. I know you know that Troy is absolutely struggling right now with the small thought of losing Collin. He is scared out of his mind of losing him and then losing you in the process. We both know you know that and deep down you keeping yourself together helps him but you hurt more than anybody else right now."

Her fingers grazed my back while trying to comfort me as I just closed my eyes for a brief moment because more tears welled deep in my eyes. "You are his mother and you are wanting to protect him. You just want to wrap him up and protect him like you are told to do from the very beginning. You are watching high doses of poison enter his body and then him get violently sick with little hope of this even helping. It always destroyed me because I just wanted to unplug them and hold them close to me until they felt better. Every single time. Every single child including Baker."

I pulled back to look in her face because she knew what I was feeling to a point. "Sammy was the closest to death for me. She got very sick and was in the hospital for a very long time. There were times they wondered if she was going to make it and it always scared me and we had our days where we discussed it and it was so hard for me to even do that. You are facing it and you are doing the best you can. Those tears are not a sign of a weakness Gabi, don't let anybody tell you that. They are a sign of your heart breaking because you can't do what you are supposed to do for your child. You can't protect him from this."

I just nodded my head while she hugged me tightly again, "You are doing what you can Gabi, you are holding him, rocking him, and doing the best to keep his spirts high. Troy is doing what he can do best by looking for medical ways for all of it to stop and for you guys to be frozen in a bubble."

My fingers swiped under my eyes as Lucy handed me a tissue to wipe my nose, "I am so scared that we are doing this for nothing." I told her honestly, "That he is going through all of this pain for nothing and that just scares me. I just want to do everything right and I have no idea what right is anymore. I am scared." Lucy nodded her head in understanding, "That is completely normal Gabi, you have every right to be scared. This is a scary concept and you are right…you have no idea what is right for him but you would never know if this treatment works for him unless you tried it. I think you made a good choice by bringing him here."

"It was mostly for Troy," I told her honestly, "He has regrets about not doing more for Baker." Lucy looked pained thinking about it, "I always knew Troy wanted to do more but never had the chance because Callie just didn't want to put Baker through anymore suffering. She just didn't want to fight it and Troy didn't know enough at that point to fight it for the guilt. He always wondered if they fought it if Callie would be around still. He thought that she had guilt about not trying hard enough."

"He is so scared that I am going to do the same thing." I sniffled and I shook my head with a laugh, "I think me being pregnant was the best thing because he knows that I am a mother and will never leave my other child." Lucy smiled rubbing my back, "You have another blessing with you and I know you do not want to think about losing Collin but there is a reason you have another little one on the way." I nodded looking over at her and she squeezed my shoulder.

"When Sammy told me you came in here I knew it wasn't to shower. I did the same exact thing many, many times. I knew this was the safest place to let all of my tears just fall but I had so many people not help me and I want to be here for you. I need to be here for you because this breaks my heart that it is happening again in my life. I just want everybody in my families to be happy and healthy and never, never see cancer effect any of our lives ever again."

I laughed agreeing and she smiled a sad smile, "Troy told me your concerns with two of my kids having cancer and you producing a child with two parents who both have kids with cancer. I wish I could tell you that it will all be fine but…I can never promise you that. You are amazing mother though and you deserve to be a mother to another baby. You deserve to have that love between you and another child. You will always have Collin. He will always be your son and do not let anybody tell you different."

"Lucy, I can never thank you enough for this."

"I can never express how sorry I am for you being in this situation," she hugged me again and I just held on because what else could I do right now? It was this or fall apart. I chose this.

Thursday, September 17th, 2015

Troy's POV

My brain read through the journals at fast pace trying to find something that I can do to save Collin and ease all of the nausea he was experiencing with this chemo. There was no other chemo so we couldn't just try something else. My brain had a thunderous headache because I don't remember the last time I slept for more than two hours. Collin was up most of last night getting sick repeatedly and he wasn't eating or drinking anything. It was just dry heaving.

He was in so much pain lately and I could see Gabi's heart breaking in front of my face. It broke my heart because I couldn't do anything to help her. Sammy told me she broke down the other day during my nap and I began to doubt my choices on letting this happen. A knock came at the door and Brynn was standing on the other side with coffee in her hand. "What are you doing in here?" she asked as she sat across from me sliding a cup of coffee closer to me.

"I am trying to help Collin; I need to help him." She pulled the journal away from me and tossed it onto the ground with my protests. "I'm sorry, you are making my brain hurt." I inhaled and took a long drink from my coffee wishing it had a little bit of something else in there. "Troy, I told you. This stuff is nasty and will destroy everything that Collin has in his body. You cannot help the puking, I mean, you could probably give him pot but also child services might have something to say about that."

I laughed and nodded but maybe I could use some pot to help me sleep for a while. I tilted my head back and look at the ceiling, "This is crushing Gabi, she doesn't want the end of his life to be like this." Brynn laughed, "Hopefully this isn't the end of his life."

"What are we doing here Brynn? Prolonging it for a few months?" Brynn shook her head, "This is supposed to be a cure Troy, this is supposed to rid cancer with no monthly treatment." I looked at her because I already knew this but how likely was it to happen. "I know what you are thinking and it has happened for some of my patients. This is year three for the trial and you have seen the results." I nodded my head while I felt my head slip with burying my face into my arms.

"I just want this part to be over then Brynn, I can't watch him cry all night from the pain and the nausea. Baker was happy until the very end and I could do that. I just wanted to give him a chance." Brynn rubbed my arm, "You are doing exactly that Troy, you are giving him a chance and I know watching him go through it sucks but it has to be done." I felt the first couple of tears slip as I didn't move but Brynn knew me too well. Way too well in the aspect of tears.

"I know you want to tell Gabi everything on your mind and I also know you can't because you just want to protect her so just let me in," I laughed crying into my hands, "I can't lose her Brynn," the laughing turned to sobs of fear just thinking about it. "I can't lose Gabi because she is the only thing holding me together right now. She is the only light to my life." I whispered as I cried and cried because every time I looked at Collin I froze with fear because he is linked with Gabi's happiness which scares me so much.

"She isn't going to leave you. She is pregnant."

I shook my head, "If Collin dies she will never want to be a mother again because of the familiar fear of just losing a child hurts so god damn bad," I rubbed my face trying to stop the tears but I could see Brynn's face looking at me with complete concern. "I did the same thing Gabi did after Baker died, I swore I was never having another kid because that pain is unbearable and it is so deep inside that it rips every single day to not have the one thing that motivated you through med school." I paused as I thought of Baker's smile and her complete happiness that was everywhere when she was little.

"I would lay awake at night and just cry because there was no other feeling and I told myself I could never do this again. I could never let my heart completely shatter because of one little girl who meant the world to me and here I am." I spread my palms on the table as the tears were just a stream now. "Here I am watching my son die because of the same cancer and my heart is shattering. It took me years to realize that I could have another kid and be okay but can Gabi actually do it back to back?"

I looked at Brynn who was crying herself and she reached over for a hug, "She can do it Troy, she's a mother. She has unconditional love for all of her children without having to think about it. She will forever hold Collin dear to her heart and she will never be the same if she loses him but she also will never harm another child because like you said – she already knows the pain of losing one children. She will never want to experience the thought of losing another."

My fingers pinched the bridge of my nose and I exhaled, "I then question if I can do this again," Brynn sighed, "Troy, you are an amazing person. Losing Collin, if it happens, will be horrendous and awful but you have to know that you did nothing wrong with his case. Everybody would have done the same exact thing and it is just the cancer. Cancer is the devil and losing another child to the devil will be terrible. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I hope you never, never, ever go through this pain ever again. You do not deserve any of this, do you understand? You always fight for everybody you know Troy and now it is time for me to fight for you."

I grabbed her in a painful hug and she hugged me tightly back, "Now go find your wife and be with her right now okay? You both need each other more than you need me." I nodded pulling away and I quickly got up because Gabi is exactly who I needed right now. I walked ten steps and found her leaning against the wall. I pulled her into my body without her even noticing me and she just accepted it and gripped my body to hers.

"I love you so much," I whispered into her ear and she cried into my shoulder while I just held onto her because we both needed each other.

Denial

Gabi's POV

"He's getting better," I encouraged as we had another round of scans taken and I could see Troy's face that was a shade whiter but he just nodded his head, "He's getting better." Troy tried to agree and I smiled, "His cancer is disappearing." I encouraged and I finally heard somebody clear their throat behind me. "You guys, I don't know what scan you are looking at but those tumors are not shrinking."

Troy laughed, "Brynn, look at these! They look so much better!" Brynn looked at the both of us like we were crazy. "I want to take Collin outside, is that okay?" I asked looking over at Brynn and she shook her head, "You guys are in complete denial about his state right now. You need to start thinking about preparing good-byes." I looked at her and Troy stopped as he twisted around to face the scans again, "Brynn, I don't understand."

"Troy, get your head out of your ass. His condition is quickly deteriorating in front of our eyes and I have been trying to prepare you guys for it." I shook my head, "You are lying to us," Brynn looked between the two of us and she shook her head and began to walk out of the room. I looked at Troy and I then looked at the scans, "Troy, he's getting better, right?" he looked at the scans closely and he exhaled, "Let's just go see Collin,"

We walked down the hallway and into the room where Collin looked so pale and was asleep, I crawled into the bed next to him as I snuggled closer to him. His body was cold and I inhaled hoping that everything I was feeling wasn't what I thought I was feeling.

This was not denial. I knew my son was getting better. His puking was subsiding and he was just sleeping more. He was going to be fine. Yet, his cold hands used to be warm as a fire and his cheeks used to be pink.

I shook all of those thoughts out of my head as I just held him close to me and Troy pulled the phone up to his ear as he was talking to somebody. I looked at Collin as he opened his eyes and those bold brown stared right back at me. I smiled at him, "How are you feeling little man?" he shrugged and looked over at Troy who was on the phone. "Daddy," his voice was weak but it was stronger than yesterday. Troy looked over at us and he quickly ended the phone call.

"What's up big man?" Troy knelled down next to him and kissed on his face causing a small laugh from Collin. Troy smiled down at him while he looked up at me and he exhaled, "Gabs, we need to talk for a minute." I looked up at him and I gave him a curious look, he pulled me up and his hands covered the small baby bump forming already.

"Maybe we should start thinking about letting Collin go," Troy's words were short and he wasn't sure if those were the right words but I just laughed, "You're crazy Troy, why would we do that? He is going to be okay." I protested and Troy shook his head as tears filled his eyes, "Gabi, I don't know if they can fix him anymore. This might be his end." I laughed shaking my head, "Troy they must have mixed up the results or it's the wrong scan. He is fine."

I shook my head and Troy grabbed my arms to pull me in but I pulled away, "You're a liar Troy, you are lying to me and I hate you," I tried to push him away but he just held me closer and I started to cry. "He isn't dying Troy, I would know, I would know if he was dying."

"I know Brie, I know," he rubbed my back for a while until my tears stopped producing and he looked at me with those concerned blue eyes, "It's okay," he encouraged and I turned to look at Collin who was drifting in and out of conscious with his pale face and those brown eyes held little life. I looked at Troy and I put a smile on my face, "He isn't going to die Troy, he will always be here with me until I die. I am going to die first."

Troy wanted to protest but his mouth stopped short and he looked at me with complete concern, "I'm sorry." He told me simply and he kissed me forehead. I went back over to Collin and I snuggled up with his body. He shifted into my arms and I smiled holding him because it wasn't going to happen.

anger.

I marched through the hallways until I got to Brynn's office and I opened the door to see her and somebody else standing in her office but that wasn't going to stop me. "You promised you were going to give him a chance and he is dying." Brynn looked shocked as her eyes looked at me which probably was a scary scene. I have not had a shower in days, I have been crying all day because it hit that he was dying and I couldn't save him.

My eyes were blood shot and I was shaking from anger. "You gave me hope and I thought you were going to do something but all you have done is poison him and he is so sick all of the time." Brynn excused herself from the person she was talking to and she looked at me taking a step closer. "I am so sorry Gabi; I don't know what else we can do for him." I shook my head, "No, that isn't acceptable. You need to fix him like you promised."

She gave me another surprised look and she just nodded her head, "You've come to an understanding that he can't be fixed Gabi, he just wants to be with his mom. You should go be with him." She was trying to be gentle but I shook my head, "Do not tell me how to be a mom. You need to be his doctor and you are sitting here talking to somebody instead of fixing him! I need you to fix him, I can't lose him. I cannot lose him." Sobs began to roll through my chest as I felt a pair of arms slid around my shoulders pulling me closer but I pulled away from him.

"You promised, you promised," I dipped my head as I couldn't shake my anger. I couldn't shake how my hopes skyrocketed and now were being shattered in front of my eyes. "Oh Gabi," Brynn said quietly and I could hear the instant pity making me angrier than before. My shoulders shook with vibrant anger and when I looked up I felt like I could only see red. I felt his hands wrap around my shoulders and he eased me back. "You are an awful human for letting me think you could do anything for my son." Brynn went to say something but I cut her off.

"You are a miserable doctor who just wants to try and poison kids full of drugs and see how far they will go. You will try anything to see if something will magically work and he isn't a damn rat. He is my little boy with brown eyes that used to be full of life. They are dead now and his skin is getting colder and colder. I want him to be warm and my bubbly little boy. I want him to laugh and play but he is only laying in a bed crying because he hurts so much between the mouth sores and the pain." My words were getting cut apart with sobs as I looked at her as she just stared at me with wide green eyes.

"My little boy loved to play in the outdoors with a big smile and eat Parks burgers left and right. He now only eats by a feeding tube and cries anytime you ask him to eat actual food. I want my baby back. I just want him back and I want to cuddle with him one last time before you take him from me. I just want him back for one day. I want to do this over and you robbed me of that chance because you somehow convinced Troy and his doctors to do this stupid trial." My knees almost buckled but I held my ground as I looked her in the eyes. "My child is dying and you aren't doing anything. I need you to do something because I can't lose him. I cannot lose him."

"Gabi," Troy's voice finally filled the room and I turned towards him as I pushed him gently, he stumbled backwards and his blue eyes flashed with a deep hurt but it wasn't getting to me right now because I just wanted somebody to fix Collin, "I am so angry at you for letting you talk me into this. I knew I should've never done this. I should've stayed at the beach where Collin and I could both breathe fresh air and not hear constant beeping and monitors. Where I could have soaked up the sun with Collin playing in the waves. I could have been so happy at the beach but yet here I am in a hospital where she is letting my son die and you talked me into it."

Troy tried to say something but I just shook my head, "No, Troy, you don't understand. You didn't have to watch your daughter suffer through endless amounts of toxic chemo to see if maybe this will work. You didn't have to see him ask you to stop the yucky medicine so that he can feel normal once more but we can't give him that chance anymore. It's too late. I can't give him one more day to be a normal little boy because he is dying and I am losing him. I am losing him and you guys pushed me into this. This wasn't what I wanted for him. I never wanted this for him. I just wanted him back. I want him back and I want my little boy."

"I'm so sorry Brie, I'm so sorry, I wanted the same thing. You know that, you know I just wanted Collin to get better." I looked at him and his blue eyes grew a little wider as I was slipping from his grasp and I was spiraling before anything actually happened, "You have every single right to be angry Gabi, every single right to be angry at this world and at me but you have to understand that I wanted the same thing. I love Collin so much,"

"But I am his mother, I love him more. I love him so much more." My words cracked at the end and my stomach throbbed with pain as he reached for me but I shook my head, "Now we are going to have another kid and now both of us have had a kid with cancer and we are probably going to lose another kid together and we will have no more marriage. We will have nothing left so stop trying so hard. Stop,"

The words rolled off my tongue and Troy looked hurt but only for a moment. He reached for me again but I just shook my head with tears coming from what felt like every single part of my body. His arms reached around me though and I tried to fight him off. I pushed him and I tried to get away but I broke down into sobs so loud and terrifying that I just couldn't fight anymore. I tried to push him away once more but he only pulled me closer and tighter to his body until I gave in and folded over crying. "You promised," I kept saying over and over again.

Troy had sat down on the ground and he held me to his body while pressing his lips to my temple repeating that he knows over and over. I grabbed his hand as I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted the anger to disappear because even though he was holding me, I still felt it. I felt the anger. He talked me into this and he was the one who did the paperwork. "Why did we do this Troy?"

"I don't know baby, I don't know," I felt my body buckle with the pain as I just laid in his arms and cried because that is all I had left right now.

Bargaining

"You need to go apologize to Brynn," Troy said as we both were lying beside Collin as last night he had a better night and Troy explained to me exactly what I did yesterday because I don't remember much. "I know," I said softly and Troy reached over to grab my hand and I exhaled looking down at Collin who was peacefully sleeping. "You should probably go now instead of later; Collin has been extra clingy to you."

"I need to apologize to you as well." I said sitting up to look at him, "What I said yesterday was completely out of line. You do know what I am feeling and you do know the struggle. That wasn't fair of me to say to you. I was just so angry yesterday. I didn't know who to take my anger out on and Brynn was just there and you were just there and it happened. I am sorry." He got up and came over to me wrapping his arms around me and kissing the top of my head.

"Brie, I know how hard this is for you right now. You are allowed to be as angry as you need to be. You have been thrown a shit hand." His arms wrapped around me and he kissed the side of my head while holding me close. "I love you Gabi, I know yesterday wasn't you. It was a mom who is grieving." I felt my tears pool because I didn't deserve his love. I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve this. I inhaled and kissed the side of his head. "I love you too T,"

He grabbed me in a tight hug and then he rubbed my belly with a tiny smile, "We're going to get through this Gabi," I just nodded my head and I took a step away from him. "I'm going to see if I can find Brynn." Troy nodded and I walked out into the hallway as I looked around before walking to the nursing counter. "Is Dr. Brynn around?" the nurse hesitated for a moment and she looked up at me, "She's in her office."

I thanked as I walked around and I stood in front of the door as I quietly hesitated before knocking gently. "Come in," she called and I pushed the door open to see her reading over something and her eyes leveled with mine. "Here to yell at me some more," she asked and I took a deep breath and I shook my head, "I came to apologize for my behavior yesterday. I never meant to say half of those things. I was frustrated and angry yesterday."

Brynn looked up taking off her glasses and she nodded her head, "I understand. This is a very frustrating and terrifying process you are going through. I told you bad news over the past couple of days and you are just trying to process it." I sat down in the chair across from her desk and I looked at her, "Is there anything, absolutely anything I can do to make him better. I will do anything Brynn, I'll do anything,"

"Gabi, we are doing everything we can do. There is nothing more."

"I can't donate my kidney or liver or I'll even donate my heart if I have too. I will do anything to let him live." Brynn looked across her desk at me and she almost seemed heartbroken staring at me. There were no sobs from me but only tears that were streaming down my face. "I will have an abortion and do anything to save him Brynn. I need him and I will do anything." She got up and came over to the other side as she sat across from me.

"Gabi, I wish it was that simple. I could have done a transplant a long time ago if that was the case but his body is just tired and exhausted. There is nothing more that we can do but keep trying. I have been doing research and I will keep going until the very end. If we can get to week five things might start looking up, but we are only in week three." I looked at her and she grabbed my hand, "You are a very strong mother. You are going through a lot right now and there is nothing that you can give me to make him better."

"I'll do anything though." I bargained and she nodded her head, "I know you will Gabi, I know you will. So here is my proposition for you, don't stop the treatment until week five. If nothing has happened at week five, we'll stop and let him go. If you fight for two more weeks, then I'll stop fighting after that. He deserves to have you as a mother because you haven't stopped fighting for him. I won't stop fighting for him either if you'll just trust me."

I nodded my head and she hugged me for a moment, "He is fighting too. We are all fighting together and we are trying our hardest here. His tumors are not growing but they are not disappearing. I won't lie to you about it but if we give it some more time then maybe we will have something to work with." I nodded again and she smiled, "You are going to do amazing things for him Gabi, don't worry yet, okay."

I nodded and I stood up opening the door to leave thanking her one more time. Troy was standing on the other side and he looked upset, "Why are you following me?" I asked him quietly and he didn't say anything, "I wanted to make sure you made it here but you would really get an abortion and donate your heart to Collin?" I took a step back, "If I could save my child that has been living on this earth for four years and that I love so much that it hurts…yes." I answered honestly, "I would do anything for him Troy,"

"Our baby?" he questioned and I laughed, "Troy, I would have another baby with you if I can save the one I have right now. Would you do anything for Baker?" Troy took a big breath and he turned to look away, "I guess. I would have done anything for her. I would do anything for him too but I can't lose you Gabs," I reached up to touch Troy's face and I looked at him, "I am not going anywhere Troy, nowhere."

"You have no idea what that pain is like after Gabi, the soul burning pain of losing a child is unimaginable. I wanted to do the same thing Callie did so many different times but I just…I held on. I will do anything for you to hold on Gabi, please," I nodded as I wrapped my arms around him to get him to stop talking. I was going to get Collin to week five if I died trying. I just had to get him to week five. I was going to do everything in my power to get him to week five. That was my goal. I could see it. I could see it all. I was racing against time and that was absolutely terrifying.

I tilted my head back up and I vowed to God that if he kept Collin here that I would do anything for him. I needed Collin, it wasn't Gods time for Collin. It was still my own.

depression

I stared at the ceiling as we had made it to week four but the next week looked to be our toughest battle yet. He was getting worse and worse as the moments continued and I was scared every moment that this was going to be it but the depression had completely sunk in. We were keeping the room dark and quiet while we let him rest and try to gain some sort of strength. I needed to gain some sort of strength.

Troy came into the room letting light in and I twisted my head away from the blinding light. I sighed and Troy came over to check on Collin and then his eyes looked at me, "You haven't left the room in two days. Don't you think you should take a shower or go for a little walk or something. You need to eat." Troy tried his hardest to get me to move but it just wasn't happening. I just wanted to lay there and do absolutely nothing.

My arms wrapped around my own body as I turned my eyes away. "Gabi," Troy spoke my name but I had nothing else to give him. I shrugged my shoulders and he sighed rubbing his hand over his jaw. He hadn't shaved since we got here and I had barely left the hospital. "Just a walk outside." He bargained and I looked at him and then down at my appearance. "I think I just want to lay with Collin." I turned away from him but Troy grabbed my arm gently pulling me back.

"Troy, I don't know how much time I have left with him." He had nothing to follow that because it was true. We didn't know how much time we had left. We just had time and it was scary to think about how we didn't have an endless amount. We just had time and it was a short amount.

When I had Collin I thought we had endless amount of time. I thought we had so much time. I snuggled with him in his bed again and Troy sat in a chair next to the bed as we both stared at Collin. I didn't want to remember him like this. I didn't want to remember Collin with hollow eyes and his bones sticking out from every direction. I wanted to remember Collin with a big smile on his face with plump cheeks and happiness.

I wanted to remember Collin with complete utter happiness. I stared at him while I tried to keep my tears at bay because I made a promise to not cry in front of Collin but here I was. I was crying in front of Collin causing me to get up quickly almost tripping into the bathroom with Troy quickly following behind. "Gabi," he said quietly, "Troy, I just want to cry right now and I promised I wouldn't cry in front of Collin so I am going to cry in here."

"Then let's go outside and take a walk or something. You can't stay in here." I turned to look at him and I just laughed before I started crying. "Troy, I don't know how I want to proceed with any of this. I don't know if I want to eat or cry or just laugh because life is fucking insane." Troy nodded his head, "Yes, life is very fucked up because I never wanted to be here again Gabs but here I am. You are falling into a short depression and unless you want it to be a prolonged depression you need to leave this room."

"No, I need to stay with him. I have to be here with him."

"We have time." Troy bargained and I shook my head back and forth, "No, no we do not have time. We do not have any time we could have maybe a week of time and that isn't an enough time for me. I need more time. I want more time. I just don't have enough time." I took a deep breath and I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling." There will never be enough time with him because I want him forever. I never want to spend another minute on this earth without him."

I could see the panic work behind Troy's eyes and I reached for him to reassure him that I never would because I was pregnant. I had another child and even though it was going to be hard, my mother instincts are still there. I was never going to leave another child because I would never want them to be without a mother. "Gabi, I told you to promise."

"I am never going to do that Troy, but I am going to be depressed. I am going to be sad that you may never get me out of bed again until I have this baby and then I will start over but until then I am going to stay with my son and I am going to carry this baby. I am giving myself that much time." Troy didn't say anything because he knew that I was right to be allowed that amount of time. He knew that I needed that time to do this.

Troy reached for me and brought me in with a smile on his face. "I love you," he whispered into my ear so many times, "I love you so much," Troy grabbed me in a hug, "You have every right to be that way but don't drift too far from me. Please." I nodded my head against his chest, "I won't Troy, I won't."

I pushed him away and then walked back to the bed as I cuddled up with Collin. I made sure the room was dark and my body was close to Collin's because I just needed to be close to him. I was running out of time and there was nothing but panic inside of me because of that.

acceptance

I kissed his hand as I inhaled through my tears, we were just two days away from week five but there weren't sure he was going to make it through the night. His breathing was shallow and yesterday that had to do chest compressions to get his heart rate back. I screamed as Troy held me back while they saved him. He came back to me but he was in even worse shape after that. I felt my tears pool in my eyes just thinking about it.

Troy held his other hand but his head was resting against the bed because neither of us had slept in two days fearing that it was going to happen at any moment. His tumors were starting to shrink but Brynn was fearful that it had just done too much to his body and he was quitting. He was four and his body wasn't meant for this. He was only eating by feeding tube, he was only awake for minutes at a time.

"I'm here," the door burst open and joe walked through the room in a fast pace as he was distraught. I called him two days ago reporting his status and he tried to get a flight out but couldn't and then I called him last night screaming that he needed to get here as soon as possible. Troy lifted his head and he looked at Joe, "I'll give you guys a minute." Troy got up and left the room while Joe took his spot. "How is he doing?"

I shrugged my shoulders not sure what was wrong with Collin. I wasn't sure how much time was left with my child and that terrified me. I crawled into his bed with him and he gasped for air and closed my eyes tightly because I didn't want to watch, yet his heart rate stayed steady. "Can I have a minute with him, I just want to tell him some things." Joe said and I nodded leaving small kisses on his forehead.

"Sure, I'll be right outside okay?" Joe nodded as I slipped off the bed and I walked over to the door. Troy was outside leaning against the desk and I went over to rub his back gently. He turned to look at me and he smiled exhausted. "Joe wanted a minute with him." Troy nodded and he grabbed my arm gently, "Can we go get a coffee really quick?" I asked him and Troy perked up and nodded, "Yea, c'mon." He dragged me across the room and we both got a cup of coffee.

"After Joe is done, I need a minute with Collin." Troy looked at me and I looked up at him, "I need to tell him it's okay to stop fighting now and I just need to talk to him for a few minutes." Troy looked at me and I felt my heart break, "He needs to know I'll be okay without him. He is only fighting because I keep asking him too. I just have to tell him to stop and he will." Troy shook his head, "Gabi, we are so close to seeing if he'll make a turn."

I shook my head, "I can't see him like I did last night Troy. I was terrified. I would rather him die peacefully than have to go through that again. Now he has a broken rib and is in even more pain. I am going to sign a DNR later today and I need you to get on board because I already do not want to do it but I have too. I have to for him. As soon as I sign it I want find a way for him to breath fresh air one more time and then I just want to lay with him, okay?"

Troy just nodded his head and he started to cry, "I'm so sorry Gabi, I never wanted to put you in this position. I was going to save him. That was my job, I was supposed to rescue Collin and you. Both of you are so important to me and I thought I could save both of you. I thought Baker died for that moment between the scans and everything just matching, I thought it was meant to be but here we are. I am so scared."

I leaned up to kiss him softly, "Troy, you did everything you could. Absolutely everything you could. Do not blame yourself for anything Troy. Before anything happens, I need you to promise me that you will not blame yourself Troy. You tried everything possible to save Collin and I will be so thankful for the year that you gave me with him Troy, I will be thankful for the year that I got to fall in love with you and watch you fall in love with my little guy as well. You will know everything about him that was possibly needed to know. You became his dad. You gave me so much in one year Troy and I will forever be so grateful for that okay, do not blame yourself."

His tears didn't stop and his heart was broken but he just nodded his head. I hugged him tightly and I kissed the side of his head, "You did everything you could. You have always done everything you could for him and I know you did for Baker as well. Never beat yourself up Troy, you are an amazing person and an amazing doctor but an outstandingly amazing father. I love you and nothing will ever change okay?"

He nodded his head and I smiled sadly while stroking his face with my thumb, "I love you Gabi," I nodded leaning in to kiss him. "I love you too."

"Gabs, he is asking for you." I turned to see Joe and I nodded wiping my palms on my jeans. I looked at Troy and he just buried his head into his hands. I nodded at Joe as I walked by and into Collin's room. I quickly kicked off my converse and crawled onto bed with Collin. He didn't say anything, he just wrapped his body around me without saying a word. I placed his oxygen mask on his face so he could breathe easier and I laid there listening to the heart monitor.

"Collin, you have been my world these past four years. From the moment I found out about you until today it's been a lot of you and I fighting against this world. From day one I knew you were going to do amazing things Collin. You were going to be the best of the best. You were going to be the best athlete, the smartest kid, and the sweetest boy. I had the highest of hopes for you and I still do. I know if you keep fighting you will keep doing it because you are so strong willed and that came from me baby boy," I curled into him as I whispered to him everything that I had to say to him. "You are going to keep going until somebody finally tells you to stop and I just have to tell you some stuff before I can let you go Collin,"

I took a deep breath as I smiled down at him while trying to not cry at the same time, "When you were little and you were crying a lot, I would just make you sit in a chair with me until you calmed down. I would hold you close and you would fight me but you would finally stop and just cuddle with me. Often you would fall asleep against me and I loved every minute of it. I loved getting to be close to you and smell your beautiful smell. You are the light of my life Collin and any moment I got with you was a special moment." My fingers ran down his arm and I let my first tear fall. "I love you so much Collin that every day seeing you like this hurts so much. It hurts so much every day because seeing those brown eyes in pain hurts me. I don't like seeing my favorite little boy in pain and I cannot let you be in pain anymore."

"I will always remember your sweet smile Collin and your sweet brown eyes that would grow every single time you laughed. I will remember how you said mommy and I will remember your favorite order at Parks. I will always think of you every time I step in the restaurant and I will eat all of your favorites. I will read every single of your favorite books to your little sister or brother. We will watch all of your favorite movies and I will never forget you. You will always be my son Collin, always. There will be no forgetting about you because you were the most magical part of my life. You gave me life and you are so important to me Collin."

My tears were coming faster and my nose was running but I just held Collin and kept talking because this was why I needed some alone time. I needed him to know I'll remember and love him all the time. "I will be okay without you Collin, I will be sad but I will grieve and live with Daddy. He will love me and we will always talk about you with your little sister or brother. I never got enough time with you because I had so much more I wanted to do with you. I wanted to go to more baseball games and more football games with you. I wanted to walk you to your kindergarten classroom together and cry leaving you as you started your school journey. I wanted to weep at your wedding. I wanted to hold your children. I wanted to die before you so I never had to live a minute without you but we didn't have unlimited time Collin, and I am so sorry. So sorry," I kissed his face as I sobbed with him in my arms, "I am so sorry baby boy, I am so sorry that I couldn't give us more time because I only wanted more time with you. I just wanted to be with you all the time."

I felt a hand on my shoulder but I didn't turn from my attention to Collin as I kissed his face, "Mommy will be just fine without you Collin but just know that I will miss you and will carry you in my heart for the rest of time so I will always have that okay? You can fly away to heaven now and be my little angel. I love you to the moon and back baby, to the moon and back." I whispered into his ear but he just squeezed my hand as I broke down into hysterics because even though I was accepting fate, I was heartbroken and shattered.

There wasn't enough time left with Collin and that terrified me.

Absolutely terrified me.

So…long wait but I hope you enjoyed the chapter. It was very sad but there is one more chapter left of this story and it will be the next chapter I release. I am going to finish this story before getting back to Ace. I know it has been a very long wait for chapters and I apologize. School is a bit crazier than I expected! Lol

Thanks for being patient! Happy New Year guys! Here is to a great 2017!

Xx – Jo

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