Disclaimer: I do not own Death note, Neon Genesis Evangeleon Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.
Greeting my faithful readers, it is I, your long suffering host Near writing once more to deliver you a tale of personal misfortune for your sick and twisted pleasure.
Anyhow, today's tale began when we arrived in Darwin, which happens to be a rather large city on the northern Australian coastline.
"At last, civilisation," gasped I as I caught sight of the city. "I can finally have something besides 'bush tucker' and poison for breakfast!"
"Hmmrrph!" Said England, voice muffled due to the pair of arms in a vice grip around his throat.
"You aren't complaining about England's cooking are you?" Asked the person attached to said arms, also known as Australia, projecting an aura of evil on par with Russia.
"Er… no, not at all." Said I, feeling my lifespan rapidly decrease.
"Good." Said Australia before burying his face in England's neck.
"… Anyhow, now that we're here, we have a new problem." Declared I. "We originally came here in order to escape Fate's mechanics. However it has become clear that even in Australia's vast bushland and stupidly high percentage of poisonous plants and animals Fate is no less deterred from her quest of driving us to death and insanity (and variations thereof). So now we need to decide what to do next, any ideas?"
England motioned with his hand, after a moment Australia loosened his grip slightly. "Ahh, sweet air, oh how I have missed you!" Gasped England. "May we never be parted again-"
I frowned. "Did you have anything you wanted to say or did you just want to have an affair with the atmosphere?"
England blinked. "Er, right. Anyhow, I think we should all head to my country, my magic is far stronger over there and I'll be able to protect us far better on home ground."
Australia gasped. "Do you mean I can go to England! Hooray! I've always wanted to see big brother's vital regions!"
England twitched, "Australia, could you do me a favour?"
Australia smiled and nodded. "Anything for you big brother!"
England twitched again. "Never say that again."
However our outburst of democracy was not to last as suddenly what appeared to be a riot started crashing through the streets of the city before us.
"What the *BLEEP*!" Exclaimed England as he spotted the signs they were waving and who was leading them.
"I second that." Commented I, feeling *BLEEP* was an accurate assessment. For those of you who care, Australia was too busy 'snuggling' to make a comment.
On the streets before us was a gathering of several hundred people, all waving various signs, banners and the odd baby painted with anti Jam symbol (a Jam Jar and a circle with a diagonal line over it for the dunces among you).
At their very front was the man known as Russia with a megaphone. "Come and join us comrades!" Shouted Russia. "The Jam has betrayed the people, it is time to rise up and seize power in the name of the Proletariat and drive the Jam from the world!"
England blinked. "I thought that w$#^ was obsessed with Jam, what's going on?"
"Don't think about it too hard," advised I. "Insanity has no boundaries in this place, Russia becoming an anti-Jam revolutionary is relatively normal."
England groaned. "But he was worshipping it a few days ago, it doesn't make any sense!"
"Trying to apply sense, sanity or anything remotely comprehensible to this fic is a one way ticket to the asylum," stated I. "Then again you''d probably be able to understand this place a lot better with a dozen or so screws loose. Not that you'd want to."
I was completely serious there, just so you know. Seriously, right now it's a throw up between this fic and the original Neon Genesis Evangeleon's ending episodes as to which one makes more sense.
It was at this moment Russia spoke again, pointing to the docks "behold, our leader arrives on the waves!"
Suddenly Australia's watch began beeping.
"Huh?", mini-Australia looked at his watch over England's shoulder, "what's this?"
"You have an early-warning system installed in Western Australia now," informed England. "Apparently a threat is on it's way".
"Oh no, Protect me big brother!" Australia tightened his grip for comfort. England struggled to breathe.
Shaking my head in despair I looked at Australia's watch, where a large red button was flashing, after Pressing the button a message played:
"WARNING! WARNING! INCOMING HAM!"
"Eh, what does that mean?" Asked Australia.
"That my sanity is about to take a dive off the deep end," sighed I, rubbing my temple. "We might as well see what Fate's cooked up for us this time."
After a moment England conjured up three sets of binoculars so we could see. After spotting Russia's target, we decided not to get a microphone for audio for obvious reasons.
"I HAVE ARRIVED MY MINIONS!" Said BB, voice clear even from where we were. "I HEREBY CLAIM THIS LAND IN THE NAME OF THE ANTI-JAM WHATCHAMACALLIT!"
Near: 21 Fate: 35
"That is what we call a 'large ham', because being around them gives you a headache like you've been beaten over the head with one." I explained to Australia.
"Oh, hey, he said he's claiming me! I DON'T WANT TO GO WITH THE STRANGE MAN!" Screamed Australia. "SAVE ME BIG BROTHER!"
"Sorry Australia," said England, looking blue around the lips due to oxygen deprivation. "But big brother has to pass out now." Which he promptly did.
Lucky b%$#&.
"Oh no, big brother passed out!" Exclaimed Australia. "Those nasty people must have done it! I'll teach them not to mess with big brother! I SHALL AVENGE YOU ENGLAND!" And with that he jumped off England and ran off towards BB and co, who were talking again.
"ONCE WE WERE LOYAL SERVANTS OF THE JAM! BUT THEN JAM BETRAYED US, SO NOW WE FIGHT BACK! NOW WE STRIVE TO END JAM ONCE AND FOR ALL! TO THIS END WE HAVE TAKEN OVER JAPAN AND RE-NAMED IT THE ANTI-JAM WHATCHAMACALLIT WITH MYSELF AS THE FUHER-PRESIDENT-PREMIER-PRIME MINISTER-TSAR-EMPEROR-KING-CHIEF-CONSUL!" There was instantaneous cheering from the crowd who were all apparently under the standard amount of braincells.
"OUR LOYAL COMRADES IN RUSSIA HAVE ALREADY UNITED WITH OUR ANTI-JAM WHTACHACALLIT! NOW WE MUST GO TO THE REST OF THE WORLD AND SAVE THEM FROM THE JAM! STARTING HERE DOWNUNDER WE WILL RESCUE OUR AUSTRALIAN COMRADES BY ANNEXING THEIR COUNTRY INTO OUR WHATCHAMACALLIT AND PURGING EVERYTHING I- I MEAN WE DON'T LIKE!" More cheering from the crowd, who I would like to point out was mostly comprised out of Australians. BB would probably have gone on until my ears ruptured but it was at this moment a tiny figure bulldozed through the crowd and jumped up onto the podium BB was standing on.
"HEY YOU!" Shouted Australia. "YOU HURT BIG BROTHER! NOW YOU DIE!"
"WAIT!" Cried BB, holding his hands out before him, I would just like to point out right now that BB was wearing his 'L impersonation' clothing right now opposed to the toga he was wearing before, just in case you were wondering. Russia had also de-jammed his scarf, also just in case you were wondering.
Anyway, back to BB. "WAIT! I SWEAR I HAVE HURT NO-ONE'S BIG BROTHER!"
Mini Australia stopped. "Huh? But you have to have been the ones to have hurt big brother!"
BB shook his head, "WE SWEAR WE HAVE NOT HURT YOUR BIG BROTHER. BUT IF SOMEONE HAS HURT HIM IT MUST BE PART OF THE JAMS PLANS FOR WORLD DOMINATION!"
Australia gasped. "Jam hurt big brother!? Jam. MUST! DIE!"
"INDEED!" Said BB. "LET US FORM AN ALLIANCE AND CRUSH THIS EVIL BIG-BROTHER HAURTING JAM!"
"Great idea!" Grinned Australia. "Lets go and hunt down Jam together!"
Near: 21 Fate: 36
"Well it looks like the s^%$ has hit the fan," said England in a conversational tone, dusting off his jacket.
I turned to him, "that was a quick recovery time for someone for just passed out."
England froze for a second. "Er-"
"You just pretended to pass out so Australia would get off didn't you." Stated I in a flat tone.
"... Maybe." Said England, looking a bit awkward.
"Don't be, it would be a good plan if it wasn't so obvious." Responded I. "So now that you've finished playing possum would you like to diffuse this situation? Australia's current insanity means we can use him as a weapon against Fate and I would hate having to give up any kind of advantage."
"... Do I really have to?" Whinged England. "I mean, now I get breathe occasionally."
"Do you want to leave your little brother in the hands of that madman?"
England raised a gigantic eyebrow at me. "If you ask me it's not so much a question of leaving Australia in the hands of that madman as a question of leaving the madman in the hands of Australia."
"... You have a point, let's get out of here."
Unfortunately we never got the chance as suddenly...
"Oh, hello there England, want to become one with me?" Asked Russia from behind England.
Near: 21 Fate: 37
"ARGHH!" Screamed England in a high-pitched voice. "WHERE THE F^%$ DID YOU CRAWL OUT FROM!?"
"Oh I spotted you a few minutes ago and walked up while you two were talking, you really should pay more attention, now you will be becoming one with me, Da?" Russia's child-like evil aura starting flowing over us like waves.
"Er, England," said I, feeling more than a little bit scared. "Can't you magic us out of here or something?"
England swallowed. "I thought you didn't trust my magic."
"I don't," responded I, feeling cold sweat running down my back. "I trust Russia's goodwill less." Don't think I'm attached to England or anything, I mean he is occasionally useful but I would sell him out the moment it suited me. But if Russia takes England who's going to defend me from Fate?
"Oh, you're not planning on running away are you?" Asked Russia, smiling happily as he took out his pipe from somewhere I don't want to think about. "Because you do, you and General Pipe will be getting very close, da?"
"Er, no, of course not," I hurriedly reassured Russia. "We were just- OH MY GOD THERE'S JAM!" I pointed behind Russia.
Russia smiled. "Don't be silly, Jam's not there, if it was General Pipe would have said something."
"Er, um... maybe General Pipe has turned traitor to the Jam, yes that it, he just pretended to change sides to spy on you and lure you into a trap so Jam could get you!"
Russia looked surprised. "Is that so? Oh pipe, you're just so good to me," he started rubbing the pipe against his cheek. "pretending to stay with Jam just to lure Jam to me so I could get at it. You are a very good piece of plumbing, yes you are!"
"... He's just going to twist around everything I say to what he wants to hear isn't he?" Asked I in a sad voice.
"Oh yes, insanity is helpful that way." said England in an equally depressed tone.
"Oh pipe you're so good to me, so kind and hard and cold," sang Russia."So very useful for beating England's head into mush!"
"Er, what's say we get out of here before he come to his senses?"
"Excellent suggestion," said England, looking a little bit queasy. "Right, I've got just the spell to get us out of here!" And with that he closed his eyes and started Chanting.
Unfortunately, as always Fate was not our side but instead committing all her resources to driving us into insanity.
"WE HAVE LOCATED THE SMALL AND STALKERISH ONE'S BIG BROTHER!" Called out BB's voice. I looked around to see BB and Australia standing a few metres away from us with what appeared to be the entire population of Darwin standing behind them. "LET US NOW LIBERATE HIM FROM THE JAM BY CONQUERING- I MEAN INDUCTING HIM INTO OUR ANTI-JAM WHATCHMACALLIT!"
"Don't worry big brother!" Shouted Australia. "Once you are one with us we can rule the world together!"
Seeing as England was rapidly speeding up the spell I guessed becoming one with his little brother was not on his to-do-list so I decided to stall for time. "… I think England wants to become one with you but needs a few minutes to think about it first, alright? So why don't we just back off for a few minutes until we have our answer?" AKA, until England had finished his spell and we were hopefully far, far away from the local whackjobs.
Australia gasped.. "Did you hear that BB? England wants to become one with us!"
"Hooray!" Cheered Russia. "Let's claim his vital regions!"
"I get them first!" Said Australia.
England looked like he wanted to cry, probably because he was now faced with the choice of giving his 'vital regions' to either an insane pipe-fetishist or his possibly equally as insane little brother who apparently liked him a whole lot more than England wanted.
"LET US CLAIM THE STLAKERISH ONE'S BIG BORTHER'S VITAL REGIONS THIS INSTANT!" Declared BB and with that the various people surrounding us surged forward like a demented sweaty tidal wave.
Near: 21 Fate: 38
"No, wait, we haven't said yes yet!" Protested I.
"AND LET US ALSO CLAIM THE WHITE ONE'S VITAL REGIONS! WITH PEANUT BUTTER!"
Near: 21 Fate: 39
"Oh F%$#." Declared I.
Fortunately for us one of those rare moments in which Fate's plan's backfired occurred as Russia suddenly grabbed England. "No, England will become one with Russia first!"
This even sparked off an unintentional chain reaction, as Russia was now crushing England's ribs in a bear hug England now unable to continue his spell. Now, since he had already done most the spell all he had to do was input the location he wished to go to. As England did not input any location the spell just searched for the nearest indication of any location. Guess which nation was the nearest to England at the time?
There was a suddenly bang and a sensation not unlike having ones feet dragged out from under them and I found myself lying on top of snow, England's form a few metres away.
"Plggh!" Spat England as he sat up, snow flying out of his mouth. "Where hell are we?"
"You tell me," I snapped testily. "It was your spell that brought us here!"
England thought for a moment, "let's see now, I was chanting, then Russia and Australia started laying claim to... never mind. Then Russia suddenly grabbed me and – OH f%$#$#%^&^e$e$^#$^$d)^$%^$A^$%#$S*&*% A TURKEY r^%$^*$#!" England's face was a combination of shock, horror, and possibly food poisoning.
"Wow," stated I. "I think you actually managed to turn the air blue there for a moment. So we're in Russia right?"
Near: 21 Fate: 340
England glared at me, "how did you know that, I haven't even told you yet!"
"Well it would be the logical choice now wouldn't it (not that Logic has any place in this world): it's freezing, your c%$#^& magic actually worked for once since this obviously isn't Australia, and Russia was the one who grabbed you. Oh and it would the worst possible place for us to go since we've both just spent the last few days sweltering in Australia meaning the shock to our systems will probably kill in a few minutes, and even if it doesn't Russia happens to live here and probably has his entire army ready for action to either capture us or help us into the great beyond."
England blinked. "You talk a lot, and if you already knew we were in Russia why didn't you just tell me?"
"I wanted to see your expression when you realised it yourself." I said truthfully.
"You little W%$#&!"
"No actually, I don't, my experiences here have pretty much traumatised me into asexuality, mind you I don't I even know if I had one to begin with since the manga and animé gave me ziltch emotions-"
"Shut up! Groaned England. "I already have a headache and I don't need your gas-bagging to add to it."
"Well I suppose I really shouldn't break the fourth wall so much, it seems to be tempting Fate," replied I. "But it's not like thing's could get much worse could they?"
Both I and England froze exactly 000.02 of a second after I said that. For those of your too stupid to work out why this was for yourselves: I had just said things couldn't get any worse, Fate's goal in life is to make mine worse, stating that thing's couldn't get any worse ,like a challenge to her, or a personal invitation to show just how creative she can be.
"F^%^." Said England and I as one. Exactly 00.01 of a second later an avalanche bowled us both over.
Near: 21 Fate: 41
And so there you have it, England and I eventually managed to dig our way to each other and right now we're in a little snow cavern. I'm writing by the light of one of England's fairies who bears an incredibly disturbing resemblance to Misa (apparently they can become visible when they want to, which raises the question of why America can't see them when England wants him to). Right now England's digging out a way to the surface, which I'm really supposed to be helping with- ah, sorry about this ladies and gentlemen but England is now threatening to sick his fairies on me if I don't actually do some of the digging so this is Near, signing off.
The score: Near: 21 Fate: 41
5th of March
Somewhere in Russia
Being press-ganged into digging snow
Nate Rivers
Author's Note: Sorry about how late this is, I'll be trying to put up the next chapter ASAP as compensation. Oh, and just to let all you people who have been reviewing that you're the reason I still write when my life is this hectic!