SONIC THE HEDGEHOG: DEFENDER OF AMERICA FINALE - THE LAST CHAPTER
PART 1 OF 4 - "Rebirth of Adolf Hitler"
The United States of America. The home of the free, and the home of second chances. This is where I was born, and this is where I died. For the first few decades of my life, I was a drifter. I killed Communists for fun and occasionally sexual pleasure. But then, I met a man named Abraham Lincoln, and everything changed.
Suddenly, I carried the weight of the entire Americaverse on my shoulders. I was no longer fighting just for myself. I lost close friends and gained many new ones. For once, I had a family. I was no longer fighting for my own selfish reasons. These were the best moments of my short life. I thought they would never end.
My name is Sonic the Hedgehog. I'm a simple man; I like heavy metal and chicks with big hooters. The year is 2004, fifteen generations after the beginning of the Ameripocalypse. This is the year when everything changed. This is the year when the Biker Brethren were destroyed.
It began without warning in the night. The Anarcho-Communist battle fleet arrived, led by Adam Sandler and his wicked servants. They unleashed a deadly salvo on the world beneath, strafing the planet's surface and reducing the soil to molten slag. In the blink of an eye, this attack wiped out nearly a third of the planet's population. Hell was about to be unleashed...
"I don't care if you have to tear this entire world apart to find it! Bring me the book of Mein Kampf immediately!" Adam Sandler growled from behind his blood stained fangs. His enslaved soldiers scrambled over piles upon piles of brutalized corpses as they sifted through the debris of the United State's capitol city, searching for the accursed grimoire that once belonged to Karl Marx.
"Master, I found it!" The Burger King called out as he retrieved the spell book from a golden chest buried under the rubble. Without speaking, Adam Sandler spitefully shoved him to the ground and swiped the book from his shaky grasp. He then began to read it aloud, uttering an incantation to open the gates of the underworld and release the McDemons.
The son of Marx contorted his chapped lips into a sickening grin as he raised his prize to the sky. He laughed, "The time has finally arrived! Rise from your imprisonment in the depths of Hell! Rise and cleanse this sinful land of its evil! Rise, my McMasters!"
Garfield groaned and rubbed the back of his neck as he clawed his way out of the flaming debris piled on top of him. The obese man cat quivered with terror when he regained his senses, beholding the nightmarish, distorted hellscape that covered the land like a shroud. With the exception of a few faint outlines of buildings in the haze, the land no longer bore any resemblance to the realm of the living. This was the astral plane, ancestral subdimension of the netherbeings banished by Washington's grace and fuckfury.
This ominous, fey land did not augur well for the safety of Garfield and his kinsmen. The portly Ecaflip felt around in the darkness, unable to properly navigate due to the heavy, red clouds that shrouded the heavens above. The cat's ears perked as he espied a row of figures staring down upon him in the distance, their bodies lit only by the ethereal, greenish glow that bathed the rocky terrain below.
"H-Hey, survivors! C'mere lads, it's not safe over there! The planet is under attack!" He called out.
The feline stopped dead in his tracks as he took a closer look at the creatures gazing down upon him. "...T-Those aren't Americans. What the hell are they?" He murmured underneath his breath. The beings loomed over the field as a vast, black shape. Their pustule covered flesh spasmed and contorted awkwardly as they shuffled nearer, reminiscent of an automaton's poor attempt at replicating human life.
The cat readied his alligator-nunchuks with a snarl, "Damned Mondays, I knew something would go wrong! This isn't the world of the living… this place is like a nightmare! We've been dragged down to Hell!"
"Almost right, my friend. We haven't been taken to Hell. Rather, Hell has been taken to us! The astral world has been merged with the physical world, melding two dimensions that were never meant to cross into one. One things for sure: this is very, very bad!" Honest Karl tipped his stovepipe hat towards the feline as he approached from behind. Vladimir Putin soon joined him, followed by the Biker Brethren and a few thousand other survivors of the first attack.
The fearful cries of the American survivors rose due to Lincoln's words, and a tumult of shouting and screaming soon broke out. Guy Fieri fired his Desert Eagle into the sky, silencing the clamor. He did his best to try and stop the panic, "Everyone, just calm down! We'll find out whoever is behind this and send their asses straight to Flavortown. But until then, complaining isn't going to help! We have to stick together and keep a level head about this!"
Dwayne Johnson furrowed his brow as he stared at the growing number of figures converging above them. "...They're coming! They're coming! They shall arrive! Coming! They're almost here! Our kings are arriving! Fear them, fear them! They're coming!" The deranged, mutated creatures stomped their feet on the ground, all shouting and chanting in unison.
Lincoln and his kinsmen trembled as a great earthquake shook the earth, sending dust, stray sparks of electricity, and debris flying in all directions. "They're HERE!"
From the bowels of the underworld rose an unutterably massive, bloated, purple mass of afterbirth-like flesh known as the Grimace. This putrid creature manifested itself from billions upon billions of plague rats, all swarming and congregating together into a vaguely humanoid shape that towered over the land.
Anne Frank slowly backed away and trembled, far too mortified to run. She gasped, "...McDonaldland. The legends are true! The McDemons really do exist! Creatures so vile that George Washington-sama sealed them away for all of eternity!"
"Robblerobblerobblerobble!" A gravelly, inhuman whine rang throughout the night as a moon faced wraith clawed its way out of a river of magma. The creature was swaddled in a fleshy coat of multi-colored entrails, vaguely resembling a traditional prisoner's outfit.
"Cheeseburgers! Cheeseburgers!" The deranged beast spread its frayed wings and soared across the land, swooping down and devouring the heads of several unsuspecting Americans. The second of the McDemons was known as the Hamburglar, the mythical thief of souls with an insatiable appetite for blood and processed food.
The third member of the McDemons, Birdie the Early Bird, descended from the sky in a ball of fire. This daemonic clergy and their twisted servants raised their hands to the sky, chanting in unison for the coming arrival of their godless lord and master.
"W-Wait, is that a head? There's more of these bloody things?!" Bert quaked with fear. He turned his chin upwards, gazing upon the faint shape of a humanoid face pushing its way through the cloud cover.
This immeasurably vast emissary of evil orbited around the ruins of the Communist homeworld, clutching the broken planet in the palms of his hands and lowering his gaunt, deathly pale face into the stratosphere. Even the mighty, patriotic spirit of Honest Karl was frozen with fear as he gazed upon the monolithic archdaemon staring down upon the world, blotting out the sun with his everlasting menace.
The demonic lord parted his lips and began to speak, "I bid thee welcome to this distant, abstract plane, ye' children of man. This setting shall be the birthplace of a new world, a world awakened by the one chosen by the hands of causality and the cycle of time. The prophesied son, forsaken child of the Communist lord: Adam Sandler!"
Hundreds of Fry Kids threw themselves to their deaths from the face of a cliff, piling into a heap that stretched for miles in height. Perched atop this altar of flesh situated in the center of Hell was none other than Adam Sandler, who stood alongside the stalwart members of his alliance.
"I believe I'm starting to piece together the puzzle. Let me guess: you tricked my long lost son into summoning you so that you could be free to walk the Americaverse as you did in the days of old, spreading chaos and despair throughout the world. Sound about right?" Karl Lincoln asked. His veins flared with the astral fuckfury of his forefathers as he directed his guitar towards Ronald McDonald and his McClergy.
The princes of Hell all roared with thunderous laughter, "Incorrect, chosen of Washington. We art the kinsmen of this blessed king that will usher in the rebirth of the Americaverse. He does not blindly worship us. Rather, we are the ones who worship him!" Ronald McDonald bowed his head, leading his twisted forces in prostration in honor of Sandler.
"...T-These things worship you? Rebirth of the world? What's going on, old friend? Tell me!" Barack Obama demanded, his voice full of fear. He buried his head between his knees, desperately praying for this endless nightmare to end.
"It is time for your 'pet' to pledge himself to the order, O' blessed McKing. Allow this man of low birth to make his sacrifice so that he may receive the brand of the McDemons' chosen and gain immortality!" Ronald McDonald's putrid voice echoed. He reached out his six-fingered hand, singling out Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson and delivering him to the altar.
The Rock hurried to greet Obama as soon as he was freed. He greeted him with a hearty laugh and a passionate embrace, "Mr. President, you're still alive! But, what are you doing in this foul place?"
Before Obama could speak, Adam Sandler dropped a rusted, dull knife at his feet. Sandler knelt down and took the president's trembling hands into his own, forcing him to lift the dagger. He then leaned in closer and whispered into his ear, "Prove your undying loyalty to me, dear friend. Take up that blade and slay this man, or I will kill all of the myriad Americans you see before you now."
In one of the few, rare moments of bravery in his existence, Obama unzipped his jeans and struck Sandler with his swarthy cock. The president held his chin high and wiped the tears from his eyes, "What the hell is wrong with you? You are not the same man that I met before. The Adam Sandler I know would never associate with such wretched beings! I still see the good in you, friend. You could never commit genocide! I refuse to take an innocent man's life!"
In a show of force, Adam Sandler turned and clenched his fists, signalling for his McDemonic servants to strike. The Grimace reared back his fist, effortlessly crushing hundreds of blameless Americans under his hefty digits.
Obama watched in abject horror as his kinspeople were mercilessly slaughtered by the dozens. "Stop it! Stop it NOW!" He cried. Sandler turned up his nose as he watched the president weep bitterly upon the ground.
"Everything I said about you was true, my friend. You are very, very precious to me. I want you to gain immortality so that we may purify this sinful world together and live for all of time! I became obsessed with you ever since the time I first saw you in one of my dreams. You and I shall create a utopia free from war, strife, and hate. You have an extremely important role to play in my destiny, I have foreseen it! Also, I'm madly in love with you..." He admitted. Barack Obama recoiled with disgust as Adam Sandler saucily nibbled his ear and caressed his well toned body.
Sandler turned to The Rock, meeting his tremulous gaze. He grinned, "Now, do it. Spare the lives of your friends by killing this man. What will it be: one life, or several thousand? It's your choice."
Dwayne Johnson bowed his head, accepting his grim fate. He managed a peaceful smile, "Listen to him, Mr. President. If my death will save the lives of hundreds, I can perish without any regrets. I soiled my soul by taking the life of an innocent man, going against all of my beliefs. This is the fate I deserve. So, do it. Take that knife and strike me down!"
Somehow, The Rock's acceptance of the matter at hand made the act Obama was about to commit even worse. The president bowed his head, completely crestfallen, "I-I can't! You're one of my closest companions, Dwayne. I won't lose you again!"
"Very well, then. I had hoped to have you willingly stand by my side, but I guess your sentimentality for one man is worth more than the lives of all your people. Kill them all!" Adam Sandler pivoted his gaze to the monolithic archdaemons afore him, preparing to give the order.
"STOP!" Obama cried out, tears streaming down his face harder than ever. "I… I'll do it. To save my people, I'll kill this man!"
Adam Sandler cooed with pleasure and licked his lips, overcome with lust. Obama took a final look at the rusty blade in his trembling hands. It was so dull that he had serious doubts if it could slice through butter, let alone the flesh of a human. To Obama, it was evident that Dwayne's death would be anything but quick and painless. Barack pulled back the knife and wept, preparing to strike, "Forgive me, old friend…"
He repeatedly plunged the blade into The Rock's neck, bathing his face and loins with a visceral spray of blood. He closed his eyes as he continued to violently jab the dagger into his body, chipping away his flesh at an agonizingly slow rate. Obama winced as he opened one eye, mortified to see that The Rock was still barely hanging on to life.
"...FUCK!" A sickening snap was heard as Obama's flesh choked knife finally dug through the bones in his turkey neck, decapitating Dwayne Johnson. Obama began to bawl like a child as he stared down at his blood soaked hands and body, "I-I'm a monster. None of the Biker Brethren would have done this, even if it were their last resort. I'm just a damned coward, always crumbling under pressure. I'm the one who deserved to die this way…"
Barack Obama reeled backwards as he felt a sharp pain shoot into his chest. He pulled down his shirt to gaze upon the blood soaked 'M' shaped brand that was now carved into his flesh. Adam Sandler slowly clapped, applauding his actions, "Congratulations, my love. I knew that you'd come through for me! You're one of us, now."
Obama slapped away Adam Sandler's outstretched hand. He snapped, "Don't touch me, you sick bastard!"
Sandler pursed his lips in response. He shook his head, "There's one last thing I need you to know: I lied before. I'm still going to kill your friends. All of them. I just wanted to see how far you'd be willing to go for me, my love. There's no place for filthy Americans in the utopia I plan to create. Well, save for you, of course."
The chosen of the McDemons then rose to his feet, preparing to give the order for his battle fleet to destroy what was left of the Communist homeworld. Karl Lincoln snuck up from behind, having scaled Sandler's tower of flesh using only his katana and grizzly bear hands. He swung his oriental blade with a patriotic fervor, gracefully hewing off Adam Sandler's left arm with one clean slice. The son of Marx keeled over with a shout, nursing the oozing stump where his hefty digits once laid.
Lincoln pressed the tip of his sword against his opponent's neck. He growled, "Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. I still love you, my son. But if you intend to tear down this patriotic galaxy I've worked so hard to protect, I will be forced to destroy you. You have two choices: surrender now, or take up arms and fight me!"
"Don't interfere!" Sandler spat towards his advancing soldiers. "I will handle this myself!"
Honest Karl sent Sandler flying helplessly with a righteous roundhouse kick. This warlord of divine piety shouted out his throaty battle cry, "I show no love to homo thugs! How you gonna' explain fuckin' a man? Even if we squashed the beef, I ain't touchin' ya hand!"
Adam Sandler jerkily scampered forward upon all-fours, throwing himself upon Lincoln and sending them both plummeting from the zenith of the tower. The two warriors dueled in midair during their five hundred furlong descent, both unleashing a fuckferocious maelstrom of immeasurably fast punches and kicks. Lincoln winced with pain as Sandler dug his rotting fangs into his arm, tearing out a sizeable chunk of flesh in the process.
"Jeez, are we too late? This place looks like a goddamn shithole. Maybe if we silently back away and bail, nobody will notice," Sonic hesitantly dismounted from his Harley, beholding the ruin brought about by Adam Sandler and his men.
"Wait, that couldn't be—! Senpai, it really is you!" Garfield wiped the tears of joy from his eyes as he ran to tackle the patriotic hedgehog. The other bikers followed suit, eagerly running to greet him. "Damn, stop with the waterworks n' shit. This is gon' look gay as hell!" The hedgehog groused, crawling out from underneath the cat chimera's abundant girth.
"I'm glad to see that you haven't changed too much, Sonic," Anne Frank smiled, wrapping her delicate arms around his impossibly statuesque chest and loins. "Who's that hoe?" Method Woman narrowed her eyes, shooting her a disapproving glare.
Sonic's wispy chest haired fluttered wildly in the wind as he stood to stare down his sodomous foes. The hedgehog smirked playfully, "It looks like the 'Boyz 'n the Hood' are finally back together. So, what did I miss while I was gone?"
"Winnie the Pooh and Nixon were killed, Adolf Hitler was destroyed, and we started a new government. Nothing too out of the ordinary for us," Guy Fieri spoke with a stifled chuckle.
"Shame about Dick, he wasn't such a bad guy after all. But, who the fuck is Winnie the Pooh? Never heard of him," The hedgehog bluntly admitted.
Garfield scratched the top of his head in disbelief, "Don't you remember, laddy? Big yellow guy, bad manners? You kicked his ass a few times, too!"
"You're just makin' this shit up, crunkenstein. I would have remembered somebody like that," Sonic shrugged, not seeming too concerned. Guy Fieri turned to the hedgehog's newfound allies. "Nevermind that. Who are your friends? Did you join the Black Panthers or something while you were away?" He asked.
"That's not important right now, you Betty Crocker fuck-muscle. I've got bigger titties to lick right now. I just showed up to slay the fuck out of Adam Sandler with my cock. I came here to kick ass and eat shit, and I'm all outta shit!" Sonic the Hedgehog roared, unzipping his jeans and freeing his cybernetic gun-dick.
He then turned to Method Woman and spoke in a hushed voice, "So, what are we up against here? What makes that goddamn knob slobber so important to those damned McDemons you told me about?"
"For the McHegemony of Hell, a person's worth is determined by how much time energy they exude. It's an invisible force that surrounds all living beings, and the more of it you possess, the greater destiny you shall have. Adam Sandler possesses a staggering amount of time energy, unrivaled by anyone else of the mortal world. Save for maybe you and your child, of course. Worshiping him would mean gaining great power and influence for themselves. That's why they are willing to give their lives to him!" She elaborated in a grim tone of voice.
Sonic unsheathed his guitar and chuckled, "I bet this Sandler guy thinks he's hot shit with his fancy-ass destiny, huh? Well, he'll have another thing comin' when I send him straight to Hell!"
"What's going on, Mr. President? You could destroy Adam Sandler with both hands tied behind your back at your full power! Why are you still holding back?" Guy Fieri murmured under his breath, watching in horror as Sandler began to gain the upper hand in this heated battle. Sandler wildly frothed from the mouth as he locked his fingers around Lincoln's neck on descent, plowing him deep within the blood stained earth.
Honest Karl socked his son in the stomach with his boot, lobbing him high into the air. Adam Sandler was quick to counter, utilizing afterimages to split into several different copies of himself and lunge at his father. With the Communist-Slayer in one hand and his katana in the other, Lincoln effortlessly destroyed the fakes generated by his child's godless chaos-magick.
"Finishing Move: Hot Rod Lincoln!" Utilizing his strongest technique, Karl Lincoln surrounded his body with an imperceptible set of tachyon plated armor, allowing him to travel at several thousand times the speed of light. Lincoln struck his Nephilim son down, quickly and decisively putting an end to their fight.
This patriotic warlord hoisted his son skywards by his collar, holding the edge of his guitar against his neck and preparing to strike. He tarried for a brief moment and gulped, staring deep into the fearful eyes of his child. Lincoln's grip trembled, signifying his inability to slay his own son.
"F-Father…" Adam Sandler's whimpered as he opened his eyes. He was shocked to see that Lincoln had released his grip on the Communist-Slayer, letting it fall limply to the ground. Sonic stood aghast, "What are you doing, rail-splitter? Slay the fuck out of his punk ass!"
The president wiped the tears from his eyes. He parted his arms, coming to embrace his son, "Forgive me, everyone. I just can't bring myself to kill him, even after what he's done. He's the only family I have left. I don't blame you for what you did, son. When your mother died and you needed me the most, I was never there for you. I was too consumed by revenge to see what you were becoming, what I was turning you into. I hardened my heart to your suffering as a child, transforming you into the machine of vengeance you are now. For that, I'm truly sorry…"
"He can't be trusted, rail-splitter! Kill him NOW!" The hedgehog desperately urged. He broke free from the grip of his allies and charged directly towards the fused warrior's location.
"Father, I forgive you too. That's why what I'm about to do is going to be extremely difficult for me…" Adam Sandler spoke with a tender smile, tightly clutching his jacket and weeping upon his shoulder. Sonic stopped dead in his tracks as the piercing sound of a gunshot rang throughout the night sky. Before his father had any time to react, Adam Sandler withdrew his pistol and pressed it against Lincoln's chest, blowing a dime-sized hole straight through his heart.
"LINCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLN!"
The president fell limply to the ground, barely alive. Adam Sandler dug his boot into Lincoln's chest. However, gone was the murderous simper he had plastered upon his face during the previous battle. Rather, he seemed to have come to genuinely regret his decision.
He choked back tears as he spoke, "I hold no ill will against you, father. But you must understand: my utopia has no place for race traitors. You soiled your body by merging with that disgusting American, making you every bit as repulsive as their kind! The Karl Marx I called 'father' is long dead. Your death will mark the beginning of the end for the American race. Only once they are exterminated can we Communists truly know peace. Don't you see the truth as I see it?"
The Biker Brethren hurriedly ran to their president's side, joining their leader in his final moments. Lincoln rested his head on Sonic's lap, smiling with the warmth and compassion characteristic of all American nobility. He smiled tenderly, "Don't weep for me, my kinsmen. I walk slowly, but I never walk backward. This is not the end, but rather, this is simply a new chapter in my life. I'm about to become part of the legend, my friends."
"L-Lincoln…" The hedgehog could hold back his grief no longer. Sonic fell upon his face and wept, and his righteous tears glistened in the light of the rising sun with dazzling hues of red, white, and blue.
"You're the one who gave my life meaning, Rail-Splitter. Losing Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley was bad enough, I can't lose you too! DON'T LEAVE US!" Sonic cried. With his last breath, Lincoln heaved his ruined body to a single chair that rested high over the battlefield, gazing down upon the rugged terrain from above the clouds.
As the light of this new dawn washed over his bare chest and loins, the pious demigod's golden skin hardened and turned to stone. His immortal life fled from his body, giving birth to a landmark that would come to be known for the rest of time as the legendary "Lincoln Memorial."
Adam Sandler stood aghast. He watched as the maw of the heavens above opened wide, piercing through the unending storms of the netherworld and shining down upon Sonic and his fearless kinspeople. The brazen hedgehog's muscles pulsated with a dark, sepulchral energy, scattering stray bits of dust and debris in all directions.
The son of Marx trembled with primal terror, "S-Such hate and anger! I've never felt anything like it! It's like I'm staring right into the eyes of the devil himself. But, he's just an American, r-right…?"
Sonic's face contorted with rage, taking on a daemonic mien that appeared undeniably similar to the face of Adolf Hitler from afar. He spoke in a low voice, "I don't care if I die here. So, I'm going to use everything. I'll hunt you down to the very end of the Americaverse if I have to. I'm going to wipe you and the rest of your despicable kind from the face of the earth… ADAM SANDLER!"