Im so sorry for disappearing for 3 days! I had a family thing on the first night so I couldn't update, then I had a festival (which was amazing!) on the second and then last night I was completely tired from the festival and school that I didn't have time to update but im back now! Updating with a pretty serious chapter! Anyway, happy reading and please leave a review! :)

CH37 – Just Once

Gale POV

I came here to sort out my thoughts. To figure out where I am in my head because at the moment my mind feels like a maze and I'm lost in the middle of it and with every corner I turn I become even more confused. It's as if they sealed off the escapes from the maze so that I would be ever-wondering, searching for a way out but never finding it.

I want that escape from my mind; I want to know how to escape what is ravelling me into such a confused state. Katniss and Johanna. I find it so strange, I have never been this confused over my feelings for girls, probably because out of the many relationships I had over the years none of them were serious, just excuses and distractions from my feelings for Katniss, but now that Johanna is in the picture, I don't just have an urge to know here to distract myself from Katniss' blossoming relationship with Peeta, but out of real curiosity. I want to be there for Johanna, help her grief the loss of her family and loved one, help her find happiness in this world again. But that scares me in a way. I'm afraid to move on from Katniss, afraid to charter into unmapped territory. I am so use to trying to forget the way I feel about Katniss that I'm scared to find someone that might actually open up to me the way I open up to them. I never got that from Katniss, sure she was my best-friend, the person who helped me through the loss of my dad, but that doesn't mean that she opened up to me.

"I didn't think I would find you, of all people, here" someone says from behind me and I would know that voice from anywhere.

Katniss.

I don't make a move to look at her; I continue to watch the waterfall flow over the glistening rocks, creating whirling patterns through the blues and whites of the flowing water. I found this place the other day; it is just behind camp grounds. A massive waterfall that flows into a small stream, there is a rock cut-out perfect to sit in and watch the continuous movement of the water.

"Sometimes people have to be alone to be able to forget certain things" I say with an edge just so she understands what I was inferring. She sighs loudly and then moves to sit down in the rock cut-out beside me.

"Gale, what do you want me to do?" she asks me and I feel like laughing. Her statement is so selfless but selfish at the same time.

"What I want… is something that you will never give" I say simply, still not looking at her. I keep my eyes on the water and use the sight of the waterfall and the sound of flowing water to calm me so I don't snap at her and do something I regret.

"Gale… I can't just love you. I could fake it, I could pretend to feel the way you want me to feel but where will that get either of us?" she asks me and what she is saying is true but it doesn't make it any easier to hear.

"Yeah, where will that get either of us" I say bitterly. The sting to my words is unusual even to me. I have spoken this way; I have put venom into my words but never to Katniss.

"Nowhere! No fucking where! So what the fuck do you want me to do Gale?" Katniss snaps and I try to not react to the harshness and the venom that is leaking from her words. It stings, hearing her so bitter towards me but I was the one that pushed her into her angry state.

"You know what it is like to lose someone you love, Katniss, you know the fucking pain, you lost your dad for crying out loud! So don't act like this is easy for me. To just forget about you, to just move on from the one I love and find someone else because I can't" I say angrily, finally I give it to the urge to look at her and turn so I can see her face completely. I watch as her eyes glass over with tears; probably from me bringing up her dad but maybe she feels sad for me, she pities me because of the position she put me in. She should know by now that I don't want her pity, I don't need it either. Her chin begins to tremble ever so slightly and she bites her lip as an attempt to stop it. Her cheeks become red and the tears begin to roll down her cheeks. I turn and face her, taking in her distressed state. Quickly and swiftly, I lean forward and place my lips on hers and my hand on her cheek; kissing her deeply. It lasts for a few seconds until I pull back, turning to face back to the waterfall.

"I had to do it, just once" I say coldly, not moving to look at her.

"Gale…" Katniss says her voice so low that I have to lean forward to hear it even though we are right next to each other.

"Katniss, don't. Because if you do, if you do apologise and try and make me feel better, I will break and fall into the familiarity of your words and then I will never be able to move on. I will be stuck watching you move on with your life with Peeta as I wither away as the guy who once knew and always loved Katniss Everdeen" I say quietly. I two deep, shaky breaths and then look up to Katniss. I can see the pain registering in her expression but I can see more than that, I can see the desperation, the hope, the longing for our friendship to return to the way before this stupid trip. But behind all that, hidden deep within her eyes I can see the sorriness that I never wanted to see in Katniss' eyes. I can see the pity for me and the venerable place I have been caught in.

"Don't pity me, Katniss" is all I say and her face returns to neutral but the silent tears continue to roll down her cheeks.

"I am going to go" Katniss says. She stands up and turns around quickly. I hear her footsteps scattering on the rocks as she surrenders back to the camp, surrenders under the emotional-tension that has come between us because of the conversation. But after a few steps I hear her footsteps stop. I have an urge to turn around and tell her to not go, but I know that if I do, I will be giving in. Showing that I will not be able to move on from her. I hear her sigh and them her footsteps on the rock again. The first step to moving on is not turning back.