"Shuttle is landed, fire team is ground-side. Orders are to wait at drop point location until fire team returns."
"Roger that, Cortez." Joker replies, entering the comment into his pilots log. With a frown and a burning question, Joker switches to the private comm. "Hey, what do you do down there while you wait for Shepard to come back?"
"Depends. If there're hostiles firing at me, I try and find a secure place to land and keep an eye on my sensors in case they spot me. That or I fly towards you guys and have you take them out. Drops like this, I usually just monitor Shepard and her team in case they need an emergency extraction."
"So, like… you don't nap? Bring any magazines down with you? Sing really loudly to terrible music?"
"Well… sometimes I sing. But nap? No. I don't nap." Cortez replies with a chuckle. "Although that does give me some indication as to what you would do down here."
"Hey, I am always on, Cortez. Flying this bird means paying attention at all times. Waiting in a transport for five hours with literally nothing to look at? Damn right I'd take a nap. Or at least bring something interesting to read."
"I'm sure I don't want to know what your 'interesting read' would be. I've heard about your zettabytes of suspect material."
"Damnit EDI!" Joker exclaims, hearing Cortez laugh as the comm switches off.
Joker looks to his right and notices EDI's mobile platform is not there. With a frown, Joker spins his chair all the way around to see if there is anyone else close by. With the Normandy following standard ship time for the Alliance, it meant that it was once again the night shift crew. Thankfully, that also meant no one was nearby.
"EDI?"
"Yes Jeff?"
"Where are you?"
"I am here."
"No, where is your body?"
"Technically, you are in my body."
"First of all, weird. Second of all, you know what I mean. Stop being coy."
"Jeff, are you upset? Is there something you need?"
Joker pauses, contemplating his response. He was less upset at EDI being a slight blabbermouth, and more upset that he hasn't addressed it previously. Living and working with EDI has meant an entirely new way of doing things, most of which centered around the fact that without her shackles, EDI was as inquisitive and point-blank as a five-year-old. It also meant that there was a plethora of lessons to teach and lines to draw. EDI safeguarded the most classified information in the entire galaxy; she held medical records, ship logs, CO/XO logs, as well as advanced combat data for human, turian, krogan and salarian races. She was constantly fielding millions of data transactions from the Normandy to Earth, Palaven, Tuchanka, Sur'Kesh and back again. She kept the engines running, the air recycling, the life support active, all while being able to hold a conversation with any and all crew members who decided they needed to talk to her at that exact moment. But the only thing she couldn't do was keep a secret at a personal level.
"No. I just need to talk to you."
There is a brief pause, and Joker knows that EDI is contemplating another coy response. Seconds tick by before she responds. "My mobile platform is on its way back up to the bridge. One moment please."
"Flight Lieutenant, we have had a cave-in down here. Shepard and co. are alright and are proceeding into a cave system. Changing pick-up zone as per Commander Shepard's orders." Cortez alerts, and Joker enters the information into his log.
"Change noted, Lieutenant."
Joker runs one of the many diagnostics that are required as he waits for EDI. Finally, he hears the soft metallic footfall of the AI walking up and taking a seat in her customary chair.
"Ready." She states.
"EDI, listen. We have got to talk about you telling crew mates about private things. When you find something out about someone, or when a crew member tells you something, and asks you to keep it a secret, it literally means you need to not tell anyone."
EDI cocks her head to the side with a very human gesture. "I do not understand. If they did not want this information shared, why would it be accessible? And why would they have told me? The action itself is telling a secret."
"Yeah, you're right. But why is the person telling you that to begin with?"
Joker watches the proverbial wheels of thought spin, and he can tell EDI is trying to formulate a hypothesis.
"From what I have gathered, most of the information that is shared with me is of a sensitive nature. Previous recordings of a particular crew members time aboard the Normandy show that the crew member has not discussed the 'secret' with anyone else. Therefore, the reason must be that the crew member wishes to divulge something that they have been carrying with them for some time but have been unable to discuss due to societal restraints."
Joker stares at the AI as her hypothesis is chimed out in almost perfect psychologist format. He suddenly realizes that as smart as he is, EDI was significantly more advanced than he could ever hope to be.
"I guess that's what I get for having this kind of conversation with a computer-based program. Ok, so yes. Valid point. But what I'm trying to get it is that us humans are hyper-social. We like to tell stories and exaggerate and make a big deal out of nothing just so we can fit in. We like to involve other people in our lives so that we can establish a connection with them. The crew see you as one of us, a crew member. If they're telling you private information, it's because they want to perceive you as part of the whole, not some AI created by Cerberus to spy on us all creepy like."
"Joker, we have confirmed rachni engagement. I repeat, confirmed rachni engagement. Commander Shepard reports they have been, and I quote, "fucking Reaperized". Aralakh company moving to assist Normandy fire team. Stand by for new information."
Joker types the update into his log with a curse. "Holy shit. Situation noted, Lieutenant."
He checks the status of the diagnostic, disbelief at Cortez's statement. A moment later, he turns back to face a very quiet EDI. She has a look of thought on her face, and Joker wonders if it's simulated or a by-product of spending way too much time around humans.
"Jeff, I understand what you mean. Going forward, I will ensure that private information is kept as such." The pensive look is replaced by one of happiness. "Thank you for explaining this situation to me."
"Yeah, no problem. You just gotta find a happy balance. Sometimes people like Shepard or Garrus need to be told things in order to make sure everyone is safe. Finding out about zettabytes of… personal stuff, and telling someone does not help make the ship any more or less safe. Know what I mean?"
"I do. Thank you, Jeff. Also, the diagnostic is complete. Heat purge recommended in the starboard engine compartment."
Joker smiles. "Got it, EDI."
o.o.o
Shepard stood ankle deep in water, watching as the last of the altered rachni collapsed. She notices with a look of disgust that she was covered in some kind of bodily fluid that kept repeatedly depleting her shields, and she washes some of it off as Garrus and Liara do the same thing.
"Y'know, there's not a whole lot out there that surprises me anymore. Talking plants, Prothean's surviving into this cycle to be turned into puppets, blue prints for a giant death machine that kills giant death machines… but this? This is something I could have done without. Tali would've freaked out if she had been the one on this mission." Garrus remarks as he tries to remove some of the sludge from his assault rifle.
"Yeah, not a huge fan of what the Reapers have done here. Seriously, where are they even getting these rachni from?" Shepard asks as she activates her comm. "Cortez, hostiles terminated. Moving into what looks like the last chamber. We should be out soon."
"Roger that, Commander."
Shepard, Liara, and Garrus move on towards the large central cave, noticing a distinct lack of enemies. Firing at the last node that powers the Reaper walls, they tumble into a massive room. At its centre is an enormous insect looking beast, tied down by tendrils of an organic and metallic rope.
"What the actual fuck." Shepard exclaims quietly.
"Shepard… this is a rachni queen." Liara provides, opening her omni-tool to take a few readings.
Suddenly, a multitude of dead krogan begin moving, their mouths forming words that seem to come out of the air itself. The queen speaks to the trio, advising them of what the Reapers have done, and why they created her. Shepard stares in disbelief. She had supposed the rachni to be extinct, having destroyed the last queen on Noveria. Then, and now, she stood by her decision. She had a hunch, after witnessing indoctrination, why the rachni turned so violent during the Rachni Wars. Not to mention that Cerberus were able to clone and use the rachni in experiments. The rachni were too easy to manipulate. Now, this pseudo-queen was attempting to save her skin, but Shepard wasn't convinced. With all that is at stake, she couldn't afford having the rachni turn from allies to enemies at the Reaper's hands.
"Shepard! We stay here any longer and Aralakh company dies!" Grunt yells through the comm.
With a final look at the queen, Shepard gives the order to move. Screams of anger and hatred follow their path as they run to the safety of the shuttle.
o.o.o
"Logged: The Commanding officer is aboard, Commander Shepard has the deck. Major Chakwas stands relieved."
With a thankful sigh, Joker fills in the last of his pilots report. No casualties and only one injury. That was always a good sign. With Grunt coming aboard, things were about to get a lot more chaotic; Grunt had a propensity towards not listening to Chakwas as well as trying to tell every crew member on board about his finest moments in battle. It usually ended up with Grunt trying to re-enact the scene, which meant that most of the crew vanished. They didn't like being grappled by an 800 pound krogan.
"Joker, get us out of here and back to the Citadel." Shepard orders through the comm.
"Yes ma'am. How's our little tank baby doing?"
"If the background noise is any indication, I'd say he's doing well." Shepard provides, and Joker hears Grunt screaming a mock battle cry in the background. "No, Grunt, put your gun away. We all saw you kill that rachni, you don't need to fucking show us." Joker hears Shepard say as the comm switches off, Shepard undoubtedly trying to wrestle a gun away from the krogan.
An hour later, with his report sent to Shepard and his shift almost over, Joker turns the ship over to EDI. He hears foot steps behind him, and turns his chair around to see Shepard walking towards him.
"Hey Commander. Grunt gonna be ok?"
"Yeah, Chakwas says he'll be fine. She's recommended he go to the Citadel though, but for some minor surgery stuff that his own redundant nervous system can't heal up on its own."
"Huh. Well, I guess when you hurtle off the side of a cliff with rachni all around you, some injuries are bound to happen. Speaking of which, rachni? What the hell?"
"I know, it's fucking nuts. Even though they're out for our destruction, there's something to be said about Reaper intelligence. They basically recreated an extinct species, which is both humbling and terrifying." Shepard replies as she crosses her arms in front of her, leaning her weight on her right foot.
"Well, at least you got rid of them for good this time. I hope. We don't need them singing their sour yellow notes of whatever."
"Agreed." Shepard says, pausing to look out through the viewport. Streaks of blue danced across the Normandy's hull as they moved at FTL to get to the relay.
"So, anything exciting happen here while we were gone?"
"Negative. A whole lot of sitting and pressing buttons. I got up and had a snack, EDI kept life support on and didn't go rogue. Again. Y'know, basic stuff."
"I would like to make it known that I have no intention of going rogue. That was a singular occurrence." EDI replies primly. Joker and Shepard both smile at the response.
"Glad to hear it EDI. Not that I doubted you." Shepard replies. "Anyways, I'm gonna head down to the mess to grab something to eat. Reports are all away, and I'm signing off for eight hours. I feel like I need another shower after all that shit down there. I don't think the Kodiak is ever going to be the same. Fucking Reapers."
"Yeah no kidding. I'd hate to be the guy who has to clean out the shuttle. Glad I'm not Cortez."
Shepard unfolds her arms, a sly smile crossing her lips. "Me too. At least I know he won't take naps or look at zettabytes of weird shit while he waits for us." She says as she turns to walk towards the CIC.
"Damnit EDI!"
"Sorry, Jeff."