Author's note: Just more fluff and angst.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Chapter 36
Insecure
"You fall to your knees. You beg, you plead; can I be somebody else, for all the times I hate myself? Your failures devour, your heart in every hour. You're drowning, in your imperfection." - 'Imperfection' Skillet
"Ya can't catch me!" Katie yelled behind her. She burst through the door of apartment 2J and scurried up the swirly slide.
"What the-" A confused Mrs. Knight said quietly as she watched Katie, then jumped at the sound of the door bursting open for a second time.
"C'mere you!" James yelled as he and Carlos ran to the bottom of the slide.
"Give us that camera!" Carlos yelled.
"No way!" Katie said, taunting them as she moved the camera from hand to hand. "This is so going on the internet!"
"What, is going on here?" Mr. Garcia asked.
"Don't you dare!" James warned.
"What are you gonna do about it?" Katie taunted. "I'm younger than you, and a girl! Ya can't hit me!"
"Oooh!" James yelled furiously. "We'll think of something!"
"Boys! Katie!" Mrs. Knight yelled. "What's going on?"
"The boys were being stupid in the pool and I got it all on camera!" Katie called happily from the balcony.
"Oh that's it!" Carlos yelled, and started to climb up the slide.
"Carlos!" Kendall and Logan called as they made their way into the apartment, stopping Carlos before he touched the slide.
"Don't even try to climb the slide with your wrist hurt like that!" Logan said as he approached him.
"Your wrist is hurt 'Litos?" Mr. Garcia asked concernedly.
"It's nothing Papi." Carlos said anxiously, trying to get to the slide.
"Let me take a look at it." Logan said, then carefully held Carlos' wrist, gently turning it and inspecting it.
"He hurt himself yet again!" Katie called. "And I recorded it!" She yelled triumphantly.
"We'll get you!" James yelled.
"Yeah!" Carlos moved towards Katie threateningly, but Logan still held his wrist and it pulled in his movement, making Carlos yelp in pain.
"I'm sorry!" Logan said, immediately releasing Carlos' wrist and backing away. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" He said as he slowly backed away.
"Carlos, hold still." Kendall said, rolling his eyes. "Logan can't help you when you're moving around all the time."
Carlos stood cradling his wrist, and dropped his gaze guiltily. "Sorry." He muttered.
"Here, let me see." Mr. Garcia said, then carefully took Carlos' wrist and inspected it himself. "Well, it's not fractured or anything. Just bruised." He said, letting go of his wrist. "But no more fighting." He said sternly to them.
Carlos, James and Katie slumped there shoulders. "Yes Papa Garcia." James and Katie said.
"Yes Papi." Carlos said.
"Good." Mr. Garcia said. "Now, we were just-"
"Logan?" Kendall's worried tone cut Mr. Garcia off, and they all turned to him.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." Logan whispered, backing away from everyone. His eyes began to grow distant.
"No no no no." Kendall said, moving to stand beside him. "Logan, it's us. Listen to me. It's me, Kendall. It's okay!" He tried to grab for him but Logan jerked away and fell to the floor, shaking violently.
"Logan, stay with us." James said urgently as he moved closer.
Logan backed up into the wall beside the door. "I'm sorry, please. I'm sorry!" He held his arms over his head protectively.
"Logan it's okay!" Carlos tried. "I'm okay. You didn't hurt me, I promise!"
"Logan?" Katie asked worriedly and immediately descended the swirly slide to stand by the boys.
"Logan sweetie,". Mrs. Knight tried soothingly. "Everything's okay. We're all here with you. No one's gonna hurt you."
"I'm sorry." Logan whispered, as he shook violently. "I didn't mean to. I'm sorry!"
"It's okay." Carlos said softly, his voice cracking. "You did nothing wrong."
Mr. Garcia put a hand on Carlos' shoulder and he looked to him. Mr. Garcia and Carlos shared a look, and Carlos' face lit up in realization.
Carlos turned back to Logan. "Logie?" He asked. "It's me, Carlos. You're okay Logie. Everything's okay."
Logan stopped shaking slightly, and slowly opened his eyes.
"Logie?" Kendall asked. "Can you hear us?"
Logan slowly lowered his arms. "Guys?" He whispered softly.
"Yeah Logie." James said softly. "We're here. You're okay."
"But I. . ." Logan spoke breathlessly. He closed his eyes as he tried to slow his rapid breathing. "He was. . .You were. . ." He fumbled for words.
"It's okay Logie." Carlos said softly as he slowly moved closer to Logan. "We're all here with you." He scooted up right beside him.
Logan looked at Carlos with teary eyes. "Carlos. . .You were. . ." He whispered. "You were hurt. . .Because of me."
Carlos carefully took Logan's hands. "I'm okay." He said gently. "You didn't hurt me."
Logan stared at Carlos' hands warily, then looked back up at him. "But-"
"I'm okay Logie." Carlos said firmly in a soft voice. "I promise."
Logan stared at Carlos, then dropped his gaze as a small sob escaped.
Carlos quickly wrapped Logan in his arms, holding him tightly. "Shhh." He soothed. "It's okay. Everything's okay." He motioned for the others to join.
Kendall slid by Logan's left side and wrapped his arms around Logan, reaching Carlos as well. "We're here Logie." He soothed.
"We've got you." James said softly as he slid behind Carlos, wrapping his arms around them all.
"He hurt you." Logan whispered sadly in between them. "He hurt you because of me. It's all my fault."
"Shhh." Carlos hushed as he stroked the back of Logan's head. "It's okay now. We're all okay."
Mr. Garcia and Mrs. Knight watched a little ways away, further in the dining area. Then Mr. Garcia placed a hand on Mrs. Knight's shoulder. "Let's give them some time." He whispered. "They have this one under control."
Mrs. Knight nodded reluctantly, and with one last worried look to the boys on the floor, they left the room.
"I'm sorry." Logan whispered. "I'm sorry I'm like this. I don't want to ruin every single happy moment we ever have, because of my stupid problems."
"It's okay Logie." Kendall said. "We know it's not your fault. And we know it won't last forever."
"These things just take time." James said softly. "Don't worry. We'll be back to the normal craziness soon enough." He tried to smile.
Logan pulled away enough to look at James. "How do you know?" He asked softly, yet bitterly. "How do you know that this will pass? That these stupid panic attacks will just go away after time?" He asked bitterly.
James exchanged a look with the boys. "Logan-" James tried.
"I'm messed up James." Logan said. "I'm broken. Permanently damaged. There's no fixing me. You should all just leave-"
"Don't." Kendall warned. "Don't even try to make us believe we'd be happier without you, Logan."
"But-" Logan tried.
"Maybe you are a little broken." Kendall said. "Maybe you are a little messed up in the head. But you are not, beyond repair. And we are going to do whatever it takes to help you."
"You're not just some broken little toy that a kid doesn't want anymore, Logan." Carlos said. "You're our brother. You're not an object that can be easily fixed with a few tools. You're a human being. And an amazing one at that. This new obstacle, your panic attacks; that's all they are. A small bump in the road."
"Well, maybe not small." James added. "They are a big obstacle, we will admit it. But they are beatable. And we will overcome them, as long as we stick together."
"We don't care if it takes a while." Kendall said. "We're going to help you, to stick by you through all of it. But you have to be patient too, Logan. These things don't just heal overnight. It takes some time."
Logan looked to all of them, then sighed and dropped his gaze. "I know. I'm sorry."
It's okay Logie." Kendall said, and the boys hugged him tight again. "Just promise you'll let us help you now, and that you'll accept that you may have to wait a little while before you can fully heal, without letting it get you down all the time."
Logan hugged them tight. "I'll try." He promised.
"Good." Carlos smiled.
"Logan?" Katie asked quietly.
"Katie." Logan said softly as they pulled away. "I'm so sorry I scared you."
Katie slowly approached them, and when Carlos moved over, she fell to her knees and hugged Logan around the neck tightly.
Logan squeezed her tight. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
Katie pulled away and sniffled. Then she smiled. "It's okay." She said.
Logan smiled back and let her snuggle up in between him and Carlos. They all huddled together on the floor and leaned up against the wall in silence, content in each other's company.
They didn't know how long they were there for. Logan had fallen asleep leaning his head on Kendall's shoulder, while his arm was around Katie's shoulders. No one wanted to move.
Katie quietly pulled out the camera, catching the attention of the other boys. She pulled up her last made video, and deleted it.
"You're deleting it?" James asked softly.
"I thought you were gonna post it on the internet." Carlos teased softly. "So that everyone could watch it over and over and never forget our stupidity." He teased.
Katie sniffled and shook her head. "I don't want to remember this." She said quietly.
Carlos pulled her close. "Oh Katie." He cooed softly.
Katie buried her face in his chest and cried softly. "I hate this." She whispered. "I don't want him to be sad and hurt."
"We don't either Katie." Kendall said softly, reaching over to rub Katie's arm. "But we're going to help him. Whatever it takes, right Katie?" He asked softly.
Katie looked over to him, then sniffled and wiped her face, before nodding determinedly. "Right." She said softly.
Kendall smiled and motioned her closer. Katie carefully maneuvered passed Logan and hugged Kendall. "That'a girl." Kendall said softly as he squeezed her tight. "It'll be okay. I promise."