This is one of the first chapters I wrote, and it's been killing me to have it just sitting on my computer for 3 months while I wrote all of the others. And now I FINALLY get to post it! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I have.

Knockdown (Part I)

The next time the journal made an appearance wasn't for nearly a week due to late nights at the precinct and Alexis's brief visit back at home. Since the Memorial weekend getaway, the girl had been in Washington DC for an internship, with long hours and little free time. However, she'd seized the opportunity for a few days of vacation and Castle very willingly flew her home for the weekend.

As a result, spare time had been minimal, as had time alone with Castle.

But Alexis had flown back out this morning, and Kate had conveniently gotten off work at a reasonable hour, and after a delicious dinner and a couple glasses of wine (and some other... activities), they were now curled up in bed, naked and sweaty and sated and thoroughly relaxed.

The journal was resting in its usual place on the nightstand and it was only a matter of time before it caught their attention, drew them in. There was just something so magnetic and powerful about his words to her, and both had come to love the way that each new letter brought to light old memories or a new conversation.

Tonight's letter was no different.

Dear Kate,

I kissed you today. And you kissed me back. Turns out my stupid idea was actually a pretty ingenious plan.

I know I should be somber and serious right now in light of this case, but I can't be anything but ecstatic. I hope our little plan provided you at least a small distraction from the case. It certainly did for me. In fact, the memory of it is still serving as quite a successful distractive agent.

I know, I know, we were supposed to be undercover. And we were, and we accomplished our goal. But it was real to me. My feelings right now are very much not a ruse. The electricity that flowed between us wasn't my imagination. Neither was the fact that my knees almost gave out or the fact that everywhere you touched me, you left a trail of heat in your wake. The way you looked at me after the first kiss... I don't know what you were thinking in that moment, but the fire in your eyes made me want more. A lot more.

And that moan. That damn, sexy little moan, Kate. It's the hottest sound I've ever heard.

I want to hear it again and again and again. I want to feel your lips on mine, your hands on my skin. I want to kiss you until we can't breathe and we collapse into a naked, tangled mess. God, I want you so badly.

I know I just broke up with Gina. I know I'm not ready to jump into something else just yet. But when I am...

What we have is overwhelming. It's powerful and electric and I know you're with someone and I don't even have a right to be thinking all of this about you but I can't help myself. I can't get that kiss out of my head. Can't get you out of my head.

But you're with Josh, and I respect that. I hate it. But I respect it, because if he makes you happy, that's all that really matters.

And even though I shouldn't say this, even though I should take a step back and not interfere with your happiness, there's something else I need you to know. I've been teetering on the edge for a while, not quite sure of the extent of my feelings, but after today I know with absolute certainty.

I'm in love with you, Kate.

There was no signature on this one, just the final line, and it hit Kate with a jolt. January two thousand eleven. That was four months before he'd said the words to her as she lay bleeding in the cemetery. A year and a half before she'd returned the sentiment.

A year and a half.

And he'd loved her the whole time.

"Castle..."

He slipped the book from her hands, placed it back in what'd become its customary spot on the nightstand. Then he settled into bed silently, wrapping his arms around her from behind and pulling her down with him. She relaxed against him, rested her head on his bicep.

"I'm sorry," she murmured once they were settled, her back pressed against his chest, his solid arms surrounding her.

"Don't be."

"But... all that time?"

Because when she thought about the way he kissed her, refused to leave her to handle the case alone, brought her flowers, tackled and punched a sniper to save her life – in retrospect, it was so obvious. She'd simply been too unwilling to open her eyes and see it.

He kissed her neck, just beneath her ear, felt her shiver. "Yes."

"God, I feel so..."

"Don't," he said again, firmer this time. "You had someone who made you happy. Don't ever apologize for that."

She sighed, closed her eyes, her eyelashes brushing against his skin.

"Castle."

"Yeah?"

She turned her head slightly, brushed her lips against whatever skin she could find.

"At the time I didn't want it to be, but it was real for me, too."

Thoughts?