When the Storm Breaks
By Hazelmist
A/N: A special thanks to Nannyogg123/Mykelara for reading this months ago and listening to me whine and bitch about it over and over again. I never would've gotten to this point if it wasn't for her constant support, feedback and willingness to read through my boring drafts multiple times. Seriously, she's brilliant and if you haven't read A Million Holes Poked in the Soul, you should, because I was in tears by the end. Thank you to pgilmour75 for reading through yet another chapter and always pointing out what I miss! And thanks to all of you that left kudos, comments and reviews! You guys are fantastic!
Dear SEA, we still have that photograph you took of the sun rising over the ocean, plastered all over refrigerators, mantles, walls and social media. The words they chose are meaningless and unnecessary; it's the pictures that tell your story.
Chapter 36: Daylight
Light crept into the room as time slunk out of it. The blind on the window had kept the darkness caged within those four walls for the past three days; but now slivers of light breached the edges, serving as traitorous reminders that their final hours had slipped away. A brightening crack beneath the door glowed eerily in the shadowed room, chasing the ghosts of the delusions they'd entertained under the cover of one more night together.
Ellie stole out of the bed and Alec stirred. He squinted at her and then his eyelids drooped, as he was swept into the current of another hazy dream. When he forced them open again, Ellie had showered and was dressed in her wrinkled clothes from yesterday.
Alec panicked. He shot up and his heart rate did too. Coughing uncontrollably, he struggled to calm down and sit up against the headboard. For weeks, he'd mentally prepared himself for this moment, but it still killed him to let her go.
Ellie didn't ask him if he was alright, she knew that he wasn't. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she passed him two of the bitter white pills and a glass of water. Alec swallowed them, but he couldn't swallow the idea of her leaving. Not yet. He reached for her hand and she squeezed his fingers reassuringly.
"I thought you'd left without-" He halted, because he didn't know if he'd ever be able to say goodbye to her.
"I would never leave you," Ellie said, fiercely. She kissed his temple, reminding him that he was leaving her. He stared at their entwined fingers until he had to break the link between them. Setting the glass on the nightstand, he seized the nearest pill bottle. By the time he'd taken it, Ellie had unscrewed the lid of the other one and had two more pills for him. Alec tossed them back with the water. Ellie picked up one of the recent prescriptions, puzzling over the label. He snatched it from her before she could try to handfeed him those too. His face flushed with humiliation, even though it wasn't her fault that he'd been reduced to this miserable state.
Ellie opened her mouth to snap at him, but changed her mind. She rubbed his shoulder and stood, walking away from a potential row and giving him the illusion of privacy. Alec loved her even more for understanding and not attacking what little pride he had left. He finished with the medications and packed them up in his carryall, once again ignoring the untouched bottle that would smother the fire that had brought them to this room.
A drug wouldn't be able to stifle those memories, or extinguish a feeling as strong as what he felt right now. He had already been consumed by her. The medications were forgotten as he watched her in the mirror, putting on the earrings that he'd removed last night. She retrieved her necklace from where he'd placed it, and noticed his gaze reflected in the glass.
Returning to the bed, she perched at the foot of it beside him.
"Can you untangle this?" she asked and held out the silver necklace to him. She could've untied it herself, but Alec's longer fingers were more agile and suitable for loosening the small knot in the fine chain. He suspected that it hadn't been there a minute ago and that Ellie was enjoying this.
"Did I ever mention how much I love you?" Ellie sighed in relief as he easily straightened it out. The sound of those three words almost made him drop the chain, but one glance at Ellie, still fixated on his fingers, was enough to confirm that it was an empty declaration. She wasn't in love with him, not yet anyway. The words actually hurt, because it was a habit carried over from a marriage that had officially ended, but was so fresh in her mind that it was ingrained in her speech and mannerisms.
"More than chocolate?" he quipped, recollecting a sweet exchange he'd heard between her and Tom.
"Definitely not," Ellie snorted and Alec sniggered.
"Turn around," he told her.
Ellie gathered her mess of curls in one hand, twisting them on top of her head. Alec put the necklace on her and clasped it. Dipping his head, his mouth grazed the smooth skin by her collarbone that the scooped neck of her jumper exposed. He curved his arms around her and slowly kissed his way up the column of her throat. Ellie let down her hair and the tendrils tickled his nose and cheek. Crooking a finger beneath his chin, she drew him in for a languorous kiss. As he gently urged her closer, he could almost forget for a moment that this was the end of them instead of the beginning.
"Good morning," he murmured against her lips, when he felt her pulling away like a wave lazily lapping a shoreline on a calm day.
"You're getting the hang of this," Ellie chuckled. "Next you'll start saying hello to people and asking how they are."
"Don't get your hopes up," Alec retorted. They looked at each other, recalling everything they'd dared to hope for over the last few months before it had all been lost.
"What time do you have to leave?"
"Not yet," she said and cupped his cheek. "We've got time, plenty of time," she lied to him, blinking back tears.
She kissed him like they had all the time in the world. And Alec wanted to believe it.
All things come to an end, and that last snog was no exception. They wanted to savor every precious second together and go far enough to forget about the time; but it was unavoidable. The bloody alarm clock on the nightstand went off for the first time since Alec had checked into the room; quietly seeping into their ears and the periphery of their consciousness until it got louder, and louder and louder.
"For fuck's sake!" Alec growled and hit every sodding button until the thing finally shut up. Ellie denied setting an alarm and Alec swore he hadn't touched the box, but the dreaded hour had arrived anyways. Alec raked his fingers through his mussed hair and Ellie fiddled with the strap of the camisole they'd been diligently working on removing.
"Sorry," he sighed and tentatively tried to pick up where they'd left off, but the moment was gone. She whispered his name and Alec could hear everything she couldn't bear to say. They shared one more hard kiss that left their lips smarting and tingling, as they slowly and painfully let go of each other. Alec found her jumper by the pillows and Ellie pulled it over her head. She got up from the bed, but came back with the jumper he'd loaned her, neatly folded in her arms.
"Thanks for-" She faltered and clutched the garment to her breast. Alec remembered how she'd dropped it and smashed one of the last barriers between them, boldly baring herself to him and trusting him. And he'd surrendered and given her everything he could.
Alec stared at the sweater that smelled of her and a night that he'd never forget. It was as if they really were breaking up and returning each other's things, almost like a normal relationship. But as Alec looked into Ellie's eyes, he knew that all the things that had been exchanged between them were inside. He'd left marks on her that would never fade, and Ellie had given him a box full of memories that would keep her with him, long after he left Broadchurch behind.
She gave it to him and he laid it on the bed beside him. The silence stretched between them, heavy with all the words that were still unsaid.
"Do you – do you want coffee?" Alec stammered, seizing the most mundane stupid thing that crossed his mind. He anxiously tugged at his ear. Ellie glanced at the bloody alarm clock on the nightstand, biting her lip and calculating how much time she had.
"Okay." She started toward the side table with the tiny coffee maker and the limited options for coffee and tea. Alec hadn't tried the coffee, but as he selected one of the bags, he hoped it wasn't as terrible as some of the other hotels and inns he'd stayed in over the years.
"You're going to make me a cup?" Ellie raised her eyebrows.
"I've made coffee for you," he argued.
"I know," Ellie said, smirking and resting her chin on his shoulder. "But it's a bit weird when I remember what you were like as my boss."
"I wasn't that bad." He rolled his eyes.
"You were horrible," she teased him, wrapping her arms around his torso and nuzzling his neck. "You're still a knob, but you make a bloody good cup of coffee." Alec sniggered and they shared a fleeting smile before sobering again. He busied himself with preparing her coffee, and tried not to get distracted by her, or buried in the memories of their past. Then they had to wait for it to brew.
"You changed me," he confessed quietly. They were no longer talking about his ignorance of social norms or his refusal to make her a cup of tea. He turned in her arms and she embraced him fully, along with all of his flaws. Alec held her close and wove his fingers through her hair.
"I couldn't change your mind, though," she sniffed, tipping her head to look up at him. He cradled her face between his hands and wondered if he should admit how close she was to succeeding. She rested her hand over his heart, splaying her fingers over an organ that physically she couldn't reach, but she somehow held within her palm.
"I want you to consider coming back," she echoed her proposal from the night before with a gaze that made his chest ache with the same longing. "That's all I want from you, Alec. I'm not asking for anything else. Please, just promise me that you'll think about visiting the boys and me..."
Alec nodded, but didn't agree or disagree to anything. He would think about it, all the time. And he would consider it over and over again, but one visit would never be enough. He pulled her against him, tucking her head beneath his chin. She listened to the rhythm of his heartbeat and he listened to her breathe until the minutes ticked away from them, and the aroma of coffee was too strong to ignore.
Ellie released him and Alec poured her coffee. Once he'd cleaned up the filter and the spilled coffee grains, Ellie offered him a cup of something steaming that didn't look or smell like tea. And it was red.
"What's this?"
"It's decaf," she replied as he hesitantly accepted it. He hadn't sifted through the teabags, but he trusted her. It would be a mistake. But he wouldn't find that out until she was already gone. The mug seared his skin, so he set it aside to cool.
Peeking at his wristwatch, he knew that Ellie had to go if she wanted to get home before Lucy arrived with the boys. She wouldn't have time to drink her coffee, even if she did prefer it intolerably hot.
"Sorry," Ellie apologized as their eyes met. "I really should-"
"I know," Alec said. She placed her mug beside his and retrieved her jacket and boots from the chair. Putting on the orange jacket that wasn't so abhorrently neon anymore, she sat down to unlace her boots and retie them. He approached her and her fingers fumbled another knot. Alec had knelt down in front of her before he was even aware of it.
"Alec, I can tie my own bloody-"
"Shut up, Miller." It was such a simple thing that Ellie was more than capable of doing herself, but Alec wanted to do something for her. Normally, a couple would go out for breakfast; or drive or walk the other person home; or arrange for their next date, a real awkward first date, to be at a pricy restaurant where neither one of them liked the food or wine; or plan another somewhat boring activity that ordinary couples were expected to do together. Alec suddenly envied those people because he couldn't do any of that for Ellie. But he could still do this.
He was on the second boot, when he remembered that Ellie had tied his shoes six days ago in her kitchen, after her wee beastie had stolen one. She'd blamed herself for how fast he'd deteriorated. And that's when he noticed that she was crying. He laced her boots and tied the knot, but even though his fingers were working steadily, the rest of him was breaking down. Ellie pressed the heels of her shaking hands to her eyes and Alec cupped his hand over his mouth. He had to take several deep breaths before he attempted to get up. He couldn't do it. Not without her help.
Ellie caught him and Alec was able to stand, using her and the chair. He staggered, but she was there to support him. He fisted his hands in the slippery material of her jacket and her nails dug into his shoulder blades. They clung to each other until they could stand on their own again. Ellie pushed him away, but held him at arm's length.
"Alec, you're going to see your daughter today. Maybe you won't talk to her or be able to work things out right now, but you will see her," she reassured him.
"What if I don't?" he blurted out, his voice cracking.
"Then I'll help you, okay? We'll do whatever it takes," she vowed. Smoothing his hair from his forehead, she planted a kiss there. Another tear dripped down her cheek, scalding him too. "And then you're going to come back to me and the boys. And one day you'll bring her so that we can meet her too," she told him, her voice trembling. Alec might've been able to imagine it, but he didn't even know his own daughter anymore. Ellie read it all in his eyes and hugged him tightly.
"I'm going to call you later and then we'll talk. Alright?" she whispered in his ear, stroking the nape of his neck.
"Alright." Alec enfolded her in his arms and had an insane impulse to ask her to come with him. But they'd hit that fork in the road and their paths were diverging. They both had hard journeys ahead of them, but today Alec would return to where he thought his would finally end.
Ellie released him and roughly swiped at her eyes, heading for the door.
"Ellie, wait."
She paused. Alec's mind went blank again at the sight of her face lit by a ray of light, escaping through the blinds. Her eyes glistened and tear tracks gleamed on her cheeks. This was probably the last time he'd ever see her and he didn't know what to say. A thousand things were running through his head, but he'd run out of time.
"You forgot your coffee," he said. He immediately felt like a bloody idiot, but Ellie came back for it. Alec covered the rim with his hand, sliding the mug out of her reach. "Wait," he said again, desperate to hang onto her for one more moment. His eyes frantically searched the room, darting from the mackintosh folded over the chair, to his thicker and warmer coat on the floor that she'd worn so many, many times. He grabbed it.
"Here."
Ellie frowned, but when he offered the coat to her, her bottom lip wobbled and she stifled a sob.
"Take it," he insisted.
"Alec, I already have one and you – you stupid-" She broke off, her voice failing her like all the words in the Oxford dictionary had failed Alec. He tenderly wrapped her in his coat, draping it over her shoulders and tugging it more closely around her. Despite her feeble protests and the fact that she was already wearing a jacket, she fit her arms through the sleeves.
"It might be cold," he said, because he was stupid, so stupidly and completely in love with her that he didn't know how to tell her. Outside the sun was beginning to rise, pouring daylight in through cracks and crevices in the blinds and around the door. Alec could see the light in her tearful eyes and he captured her face between his hands. He futilely wiped the tear tracks with his thumbs, but he was only making it harder for them both. Mentally photographing her one last time, he kissed her forehead and let her go.
He gave her back her coffee and Ellie reminded him that his tea was probably lukewarm by now. They were both fighting tears as Ellie opened the door. The light flooded inside, incinerating the last of their delusions and reducing a fantasy to ashes. They stared at each other in the dawning of a frightening new day.
"I'll call you later," Ellie said again, touching his arm. She rubbed her thumb over the scar on the inside of his forearm, a remnant of another fire he'd started in a hotel room, years ago, right after Sandbrook. But while that fire had nearly killed him and had left him burned, broken-hearted and numb; the fire that Ellie had stoked by kissing that burn mark ten days ago had changed him forever. He'd fallen in love again and he'd had over a week with her and her boys to experience what some people never got to feel in a lifetime. The words were right there on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn't say them. And it was killing him.
He kissed her cheek instead, tasting the salt of her tears.
"You'll be alright, Ellie," he whispered into her hair. His eyes stung and he knew he couldn't keep her any longer or they'd both fall apart. Their gazes locked one last time. Alec memorized the shades and hues of brown in her irises, and the faint creases, crinkles and lines that the broadening daylight etched in her face. She was beautiful and he was mesmerized by her.
"We'll see each other again, Alec," she promised with a forced smile. He pressed his quivering lips together and tucked a curl behind her ear.
"See you, Miller," he croaked.
"It's Richardson," Ellie corrected him, swatting his chest. Alec choked on what could have been a laugh or a sob. And then she took that first step out of the shadows and into a brighter life without him. As he watched her walk away, he knew that he'd see her again, even if it was only in his memories.
He shut the door and stared into a room that seemed gutted, now that she was gone and had taken everything with her. She had left one thing for him though. He strode to the side table where he'd set aside the tea. He held it in his hand, wondering if some of the warmth he felt was from her. The tea was definitely tinted red, but Alec took a sip anyway. And instantly spat it out.
"What the bloody hell is this?" he sputtered. It was the worst tea he'd ever had in his entire life. And that included the unknown one that Ellie had ordered him at the coffee shop, months ago, along with other awful experiments he'd made with variations of decaf.
Alec scraped his knuckles over his mouth and spotted the package on the side table. It was a suspicious shade of fuchsia. He picked up the packet and squinted at the familiar purple writing, boasting of the herbal tea's mystical healing powers.
"You've got to be shitting me."
It was the same "magical" tea that Ellie had at her house, at the bottom of a jar of leftover teabags that didn't appeal to anyone. She'd done that on purpose to be funny, because he'd said it looked poisonous, deliberately avoiding a conversation about a pacemaker that might've saved his life then. And the teabag came complete with a little tag with a cheesy silly "proverb" on it that was supposed to sound sage, but only made the company and the consumers more ridiculous. Alec read the absurd quote and a chill ran down his spine.
Switching on the lamp, he returned with his glasses to examine the tea spattered square more closely.
You're not a setting sun, your story's not done.
Alec removed his spectacles, but continued to stare at the tag as if it was toxic. He'd never put stock in something as stupid as that, but his daughter was, or had been, an entirely different story. He hesitantly touched the tea stained words, remembering the last New Year's Eve he'd rang in with his daughter, because Vicky had been "working". It had been over three years ago, but it was one of the most recent and happiest memories he had of Keira. They'd stayed up together, making fun of the terrible entertainment and awful performances, and talking in depth about school, her friends and her life for one of the last times ever.
The memory came back to him because he'd gotten Chinese, and for whatever reason they'd wound up with too many fortune cookies. Keira had gone through them one at a time, trying to make sense of the fragmented nonsensical sayings that a printer had spat out at random. Alec had listened and watched, amused. She'd saved one and forced him to open it. Alec would never forget his fortune, because he'd mocked it and made her laugh until she cried. It was one of the best and last nights he had with her and every single detail of that treasured memory was still crystal clear.
He was certain that the "fortune" he'd gotten that night had been the same as the quote on the teabag. Alec stared at it for a long moment, wondering if it was a foreshadowing of how his meeting with his daughter would go. He berated himself for being so daft. Throwing out the teabag, he dumped the "mystical" purple tea down the drain.
Ellie had attempted to poison him again, but she'd also helped him pull himself together by thinking about something else. He would've been a wreck if it hadn't been for that tiny distraction. He managed to shower, shave, and dress himself in another ironed suit and tie that Ellie claimed he wore like layered armor. Alec sincerely hoped she was right. He could use a few extra walls to protect himself from whatever hatred his daughter was going to hurl at him today.
He hurriedly packed up the room and was ready to go with five minutes to spare. He almost forgot about it, but at the last second he turned to the desk where he had spent so much time trying to tell his daughter everything.
The letter he'd written for Keira wasn't there.
It wasn't in his mackintosh, or in his bag, or in any of the pockets, or drawers, or in any of the places where it might've fallen in the turmoil of the storm they'd dragged into his hotel room last night. Alec emptied everything, turned the room upside down, and went through another two pills; but the letter had vanished. He was going to be late if he delayed himself any longer. The room was a complete mess, but there wasn't enough time to clean up the damage and there was only so much that he could do.
Alec snuck out the back entrance and met the car further up the road. Broadchurch faded away as he closed his eyes and drifted off; shutting out the view of the small coastal town where he'd left half of his heart, for the very last time.
Alec was fifteen minutes late for the lunch Vicky had arranged for them. It wasn't entirely his fault. Vicky and Keira had gotten out of the appointment early. Vicky had also texted him that they had to leave earlier to get Keira back to school in time for an exam. He would've been on time if he hadn't searched the whole bloody room for that letter. And the driver had been way too cautious, driving well under the speed limit, stopping at lights, and stretching out the ride at least another twenty minutes. Alec almost didn't pay him.
He'd made the driver drop him off too soon, and he had to walk another block before he reached the ridiculously fancy cafe Vicky had chosen. Resting against the side of the building adjoining it, he tried to catch his breath and compose himself. It didn't make much of a difference. He caught a glimpse of his reflection as he staggered inside and cringed. He spotted his ex-wife immediately.
She was at a table in the corner with two cups of coffee. Alec's heart leapt into his throat and he nearly knocked over a pink-haired teenager in his haste to reach the table.
"Bastard," the girl snarled at him, under her breath. Something about that one word made him freeze. He turned around to apologize, but the girl was already out the door, slinging her book bag over her shoulder and racing across the street.
Alec faced his ex-wife and was met with a glare that she hadn't aimed at him in years. There was a time when it would've intimidated him, but now it annoyed him.
"You're a half hour late," she pointed out, shoving her empty coffee cup aside. Alec saw that the second one had been finished as well.
"Where's Keira?" Alec asked and touched the lipstick stained coffee cup that had to be hers. Vicky flipped her blonde hair over her shoulder, shaking her head.
"Keira left, Alec. She has an exam that she can't miss," Vicky explained, instantly crushing him. He must've just missed her. Alec's flickering hope was stamped out but his rising temper couldn't be quenched as effortlessly. The fact that Vicky was clearly pissed off at him was fuelling the fire.
"You could've told me earlier that you were changing the time," he snapped, taking the vacated seat.
"You still would've been late, like always."
"I told you I was coming up from Dorset." Their voices were rising steadily as they resumed a row that had been left on the back burner for over three years.
"It wouldn't have made a difference-"
"It would've made a world of a difference. Vicky, I need to see her!"
"You just did!" Vicky announced to the quiet cafe. Alec's heart skipped a beat and almost stalled in his chest. Keira had been the teenaged girl with the pink hair who had called him a bastard after he'd nearly knocked her over. She hadn't let him apologize to her or even look at her, before she'd dashed off with only a passing snarl. Alec was floored and devastated by how close he'd come to meeting her, and how she'd only confirmed the fear that she still hated him.
"You didn't even recognize your own daughter," Vicky sneered, "And you show up out of breath, looking like you're a drug addict and you rolled out of someone else's bed this morning."
All of the blood rushed into his face and his hands clenched. He wasn't sure which of her observations hurt him more, because she was so dangerously near the truth that it was somehow both ironic and excruciating.
"Oh, my god, you did," Vicky hissed. "That's why you were late."
"That's not why I was late," he protested, but his skin was heated and flushed with embarrassment and anger.
"Alec, you've got a love bite on your neck and I slept with you long enough to know when you've-"
Alec lost it.
"Seriously?" he scoffed and then he exploded. "You're going to fucking lecture me about that? Are you listening to yourself?" he snarled and leaned halfway across the table. He was so far gone that he didn't bother checking his temper or lowering his voice. "Do you need me to remind you what happened when you had sex instead of doing your bloody job?" Vicky blanched and made a shushing noise, but Alec kept going, "Do I need to remind you that the only reason why I haven't seen my daughter or even talked to my own daughter in almost two years is because I lied, and told everyone that I had the affair, and that I was stupid enough to throw away everything that I loved and cared about for a fucking shag?!"
Vicky had shrunk in on herself, but now she was saying something. Alec was breathing so hard that he couldn't hear her over the sound of his own pulse slamming in his ears.
"Alec, calm down!" She hushed him and covered his hand with hers. Alec couldn't feel the touch of the hand that he'd longed for in the dark months that had followed the collapse of the Sandbrook case, and the fallout that she had caused.
"Alec, stop-"
"No, you listen to me," he growled, barely hanging on as his heart beat harder in his chest, and his breath got more ragged. "I took the fall for you because I loved you and our daughter. And I forgave you because I loved you and our daughter. It was my decision and I did it because I love Keira. But I will never forgive you for making her hate me, and making her think that I didn't love her enough to stay." He was probably slurring his words. He was too close to the edge. His fingers instinctively wrenched his hand free from hers and sought out the pills. He took two before he was even conscious of the action, or the way his heart was pounding, or the way Vicky, and her voice, and her painfully familiar touch kept fading in and out.
"ALEC!"
Alec opened his eyes and looked at the woman that had been his partner for fourteen years. She'd given him the one person he loved more than anything in the world, and he could hate her for taking that person away from him, but she'd given him some of the best years of his life by giving birth to their daughter. He would always love her for that, and he knew that Keira had been better off with her, in spite of all that it had cost him.
"Are you alright?" Vicky interrogated him, forcefully slicking his hair back from his sweaty forehead. He thought of a pair of softer, gentler hands that had repeated the same motion with an amount of tenderness that he hadn't realized he'd been lacking and missing for so long. "Alec?" He grunted in reply, but Vicky bent his head back so that she could examine him.
"Jesus, Alec," she whispered, scanning his haggard face and recoiling from him. She nervously flexed her fingers and then groped for her handbag. "I'm sorry," she apologized to him, "But there's something I need to-" Alec seized her wrist.
"Please, Vicky," he desperately appealed to her one last time, swallowing his pride and searching those anxious blue eyes for a glimmer of a hope that was dying a slow death. "Just one more time. I'm only asking for one bloody minute with her-"
"She won't listen!" Vicky didn't have to say anything more. There was a sickening amount of pity in her gaze and Alec knew that Keira despised him too much now for an intervention. He gave up the fight.
"Well, go on," he sneered and slapped his palm on the table. "Go tell our daughter what a bastard I am. You can add this to the list of reasons why she should hate me," Alec spat and tossed the empty blister pack at her. Vicky stared at him, wide-eyed and frightened.
"Alec, you don't understand-"
"Go away, Vicky," he ordered her, glowering.
For once in her life, she obeyed him.
He sat there with his head in his hands and eventually bought a cup of decaf tea, so the employees would stop glaring at him. Fortunately, at this hour and with this price range there were very few people. He wanted to leave, but he felt sick, and he couldn't blame it entirely on his heart condition.
His phone rang and Alec picked up without looking at the caller ID.
"What?"
"Would it kill you to try a hello?" Ellie snapped.
Alec sighed and ran his hand through his hair.
"What do you want Ellie?" He was being rude, but he was upset with himself, his ex, and the unfairness of the world, and that included Ellie.
"You didn't see your daughter." Ellie didn't need to ask.
"No." Alec expelled another breath. "I was too late."
Ellie hesitated and then put two and two together.
"I'm sorry, Alec."
"She walked right by me and I didn't even recognize my own daughter," he went on, his voice quivering with the emotions still boiling inside of him. "She called me a bastard and ran off. Vicky railed at me for not recognizing her and being late. And then she had the nerve to accuse me of putting a bloody shag over seeing my own daughter, for the first time in years-" He stopped in mid-sentence, realizing what he'd said to her while he was ranting.
"Shit." He cursed himself. "Ellie, I didn't mean that."
"No, you're right," Ellie sighed.
"Lucy?" He pinched the bridge of his nose. Ellie didn't need to say anything. He could only imagine how that had gone down.
"The timing-"
"Maybe, we shouldn't have-"
"It was a mistake," Alec blurted out. There was another gaping silence on the other end. "I took advantage of you-"
"Alec, if anyone took advantage it was me. You're ill and I wanted something that I shouldn't have asked of you..." They were both right on some level. Their relationship had been screwed up from the start because of the circumstances. And the whole thing was a mess. Alec needed to let go before he held her back from something that she deserved, and Ellie needed to move on without him.
"Are you alright?" Ellie asked softly.
"Spectacular," he retorted.
"Is there any way you could see your daughter without involving Vicky? I could drive you. I don't start my job for another week and we've already boxed up most of the stuff," she said in a rush. "As long as Hurricane Fred doesn't rip through the house on another destruction binge we should be done-"
"No, Ellie," Alec interrupted her before she could say anything more about Keira or wee Fred. If she tried to put him on the phone again, he was going to hang up on her, because he couldn't do this. Not today. He was hurting her, but it was necessary. "Ellie, you know that we can't do this." He'd said it before, but this time it destroyed him.
Ellie fell silent on the other end, but Alec knew she was crying again by the occasional sniff. They'd talked about it in the cemetery and at the Traders, but what happened last night wouldn't change anything. A harsher reality had struck them as soon as they'd left the safety of his hotel room. And there was nothing they could do to escape it.
"I wanted it," Alec confessed, "I wanted all of it: you, those two boys, even that stupid cottage in that stupid town, and those death trap cliffs, and that dangerous ocean. Hell, I even would've put up with your sister if I thought I could make you happy..." He faltered and Ellie tried to suppress a sob.
"Now I know you're lying," she said, with a wet laugh. "You'd never be able to deal with Lucy if we'd-" She broke off again, and Alec almost upset the teacup as he buried his head in his hand.
"I would've done it for you," he told her honestly. "If that's what you wanted, and I thought that I could be there for you and for them in the way you wanted me to be."
"I want you here and it doesn't matter if you're ill-"
"Yes, it does," Alec cut her off. He tipped the untouched tea toward him, imagining that he could see a reflection in it of himself and the skeleton that he was becoming. Ellie was crying outright now, and the surface of Alec's tea rippled as a tear of his own fell. He watched the little rings that formed; a constant reminder that even the smallest things had huge repercussions that one never realized until it was too late and the damage was done. There was no one to blame but himself for reaching for her on that bloody bench. He'd thought he could save her, but he'd only been dragging her down into the riptide of his own ocean. And now he needed her to move on or he'd drown her in the overpowering current of his growing instability and frailty.
"I'm sorry, Ellie," he apologized. "You take care of yourself and those two boys."
Ellie was crying too much to reply.
"If you need anything you can call me, alright? And I'll-I'll do whatever I can to help you and if I can't-"
Ellie told him to stop and Alec squeezed his burning eyes shut.
"Ellie, this is important, I need you to move on and to remember that I - that number I gave you - I'm going to make sure that someone's there to take care of you - if you ever need it and I -" He couldn't say it. Alec hung up and almost put his elbow into the tea. He dragged his hands down his tearstained face and scrubbed away the evidence of his broken heart, but it was still there like a visible scar.
Alec got up and left the café, trying to pretend that he was leaving all that baggage behind too. He walked until he found the spot where he'd first learned he was running out of time. It was early, but he didn't know where else to go, or if he would even make it there.
The iron chair legs scraped across the stone patio, and the table shook with the weight of the person sitting across from him. Alec shuddered beneath a gaze that held so much sympathy that it was tangible.
"I thought you weren't coming back, thought you might stay in Broadchurch with your bonny lass Lucy," Marty's accent was as familiar to him as his own, carrying three decades of a shared history that still paled in comparison to what Alec had shared with Ellie over the course of eleven short months.
"Lucy hates me. She wanted me to leave," Alec said gloomily. He focused on the curling, swirling pattern of the wrought iron table that was the only thing keeping him from falling and crumbling, right there in front of Iris' nephew and the tormentor of his childhood, and the one person that could try to physically make his death as painless as possible.
"Are you ready?"
Ellie had asked him that too, but his answer had changed along with everything else. Alec lifted his heavy head and finally looked Marty in the eye.
"Yeah," he said, caving and giving up another part of the fight. "I'm ready to go home."
Marty hesitated and scrutinized him, but Alec was done.
"Take me home."
Marty nodded and stood. He held out his hand to Alec and helped him to his feet. Alec swayed and grasped at his arm, but after a moment it passed just like it always did. It wouldn't stop happening, but it wouldn't finish him off. Not yet.
"Come on," Marty said, collecting his belongings. Alec followed him to the car.
Alec collapsed in the passenger seat and closed his eyes. He didn't remember the drive home. He was distracted by a box full of memories that he'd never be able to shove to the back of his mind. The car stopped, and Marty had to open the passenger door for him before he realized that they'd arrived. Alec got out and looked up at the familiar white house, looming over him. Marty bounded up the steps, but the door opened before he reached it.
Iris stood there at the top of the stairs, waiting for him. He climbed the steps and bent his head to peck her on the cheek.
"You're home," Iris whispered, cupping his face between her wrinkled hands. Tears glittered in her grey eyes and Alec caught her wrists.
"Sorry, I'm late," Alec said like he'd said a million times before, since the day she took him in at the age of nine. She'd taken in that boy and turned him into a man who Alec wished she could still be proud of.
"It's alright, Alec," she reassured him, stroking his cheeks, and brushing back his hair in a rare tactile gesture of tenderness that she hadn't indulged in since he was a boy. It wasn't alright. Alec couldn't handle it. He gently removed her wrists and passed by her into the house.
He didn't know where Marty went with his luggage and he didn't care. As soon as he stepped over that threshold he was assaulted by an arsenal of memories, most of them from a time when he had a daughter and a wife who loved him, and Iris had a reason to be proud of him. Iris followed him into the house and closed the door behind him. She was saying something about dinner, oblivious or trying to set him at ease. Alec spun around, terrified. The idea that he was going to die there slammed into him full force. Iris was in the way and Alec almost ploughed into her.
"Alec, what's the matter?" she asked anxiously, afraid of him. "Alec what's wrong?" Her voice was getting further and further away. Alec wasn't able to get by her because his legs had given out on him. Suddenly, he was on the floor of the foyer. Iris stooped down, calling to Marty, and asking him over and over again if he was alright, and what she could do to make it better.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he gasped, and then he was sobbing.
"Oh, darling," Iris whispered. And then her arms were encircling him, and she was holding his head against her breast as if he was a child again. Alec broke down and wept right there on the floor of the foyer, in front of Marty and safe within Iris' arms. He didn't deserve her forgiveness, but he clung to her like he'd clung to Ellie, when he had to let her go. Iris was the end of the road and the only thing he had left. He was going to die and she would be the one there with him. He was sorry, so sorry that it had come to this, and he was so fucking scared that this was happening. He'd never get to say goodbye to Keira or Ellie because he was a bloody coward. He'd never see those two girls from Sandbrook get justice; he'd never see Ellie create a new life for her and her boys and rediscover the happiness he knew she was so close to finding; and he'd never see his daughter grow up or get married or have children - He stopped thinking after that and became conscious of nothing other than Iris; warm and familiar and ready to protect him from everything, even though she couldn't.
And he broke.
A/N: I almost named this chapter the Shitstorm. I wrote the first chapter and my "last" chapter 950 days ago, complete with Alec's letter, Iris' house and a VERY different goodbye between Alec and Ellie. I planned on hitting the scene eventually, but then I lost someone and everything changed. Obviously, this isn't the last chapter and the story's not done. I'm so sorry that you guys are suffering through this along with me, and I want to thank all of you, even if you only read the first chapter, you made a difference.