CHAPTER 37 - ESCAPE

PART I

I jerk awake violently at the sound of the monotone, automated voice coming over the loudspeakers in my private berth. "Attention. Arriving in District Seven in ten minutes. Please be sure to take all personal belongings with you when leaving the train. If you have checked baggage, please follow the signs to baggage claim. Thank you for choosing Panem-Trak for your transportation needs and have a wonderful day."

I stare blankly out the window at the District Seven landscape. Rugged, tree covered hills and mountains. Rain streaking the window. Katniss would love this place, with the trees and the mountains.

Stop it. Put her out of your mind. Easier said than done.

I sigh and tap the Holo-TV control built into the arm of the chair. Another amenity of riding in a private berth. Even though this train was given over to hauling livestock more than anything else, it was also equipped to handle a certain amount of passengers, with the first passenger car consisting strictly of private berths, like mine, and a private dining area and bar. I opted to take my meals (the infrequent times I even felt like eating) in my private berth.

A few nights earlier, I had made my escape from the hospital, with the invaluable help from one of my nurses, Amalthea Loveland. I caught a late train from the Capitol to District Ten, riding in a regular passenger car. Fortunately there were very few passengers on that train, but still, I know I was recognized. Once in Ten I opted to purchase the most expensive option on this train to ensure my privacy for the remainder of my journey to District Seven.

I try to focus my attention on the TV as it flickers to life. The first thing I see is a still picture - of me. It's a news program of some sort. I catch a newscaster in mid-paragraph.

"- unconfirmed reports of Peeta Mellark spotted in District Ten following his abrupt disappearance from Victor's Mercy -"

In irritation I tap the channel control, only to land on another news broadcast. This time, it's a still photograph of Katniss, causing me to feel a pang of separation deep down inside. Again, a newscaster is speaking.

"- conflicting reports of the exact nature and severity of her injuries, allegedly at the hands of her fiancée and district partner, Peeta Mellark, during what appears to be a hijacking relapse -"

I've heard enough. Angrily I slam my hand down on the 'OFF" button. It's just as well, though - I'm almost at my destination anyway.

I sit back in my seat, feeling the train almost imperceptibly slowing in preparation for arrival in District Seven. I'm exhausted. This train is used primarily for livestock transportation and freight, and so far has made stops in Districts Two, One, and Three before the stop here today. Even though my private berth comes equipped with a bed, the little sleep that I've managed to get has been riddled with nightmares. I've been traveling for three days now and I can't wait to get off this train.

Buildings now streak by my window as the train enters Maintown, District Seven's largest settlement. Growing up in District Twelve, I was used to just one town in a district, and it wasn't until Katniss and I embarked on our Victory Tour that I realized that District Twelve, with its small population, was the exception rather than the rule...only Districts Twelve and Thirteen have but a single town or city. All the rest have a single large town, such as Seven's Maintown, and numerous other smaller towns, villages and settlements.

I take in the view of the town as the train continues to slow. Maintown was largely untouched by the Rebellion - the only two areas that suffered significant damage were the Peacekeepers Headquarters and barracks, and the District Seven Victor's Village. At the time of the Third Quarter Quell, Seven only had two living Victors - Blight, who I knew very little about, and Johanna Mason. Blight was killed during the Quell, while Johanna and I were captured by the Capitol. The residents of District Seven must have viewed their Victor's Village as some sort of Capitol symbol, as they wasted no time in putting each house to the torch once the Rebellion was in full swing.

What a waste. If only they had known that both Blight and Johanna were heavily involved in the Rebellion, then maybe they wouldn't have been so quick to destroy their homes.

The train is barely crawling along now and I know that we are approaching the station. I didn't get much of a chance to look around on my only other visit here - unrest was already fermenting in the districts during the Victory Tour, so Katniss and I were whisked from the station to the Maintown Square, where we delivered our speeches and were presented with our plaques, then back to the train to change, then back to the District Seven Justice Building for the Victor's Banquet, then back to the train again. Still, a few landmarks trigger small sparks of recognition in my memory.

In spite of my resolve not to, I can't help but think of Katniss. Katniss. We were both exhausted by the time the Tour had reached Seven - it was the last district stop before the Capitol - and Katniss was an emotional wreck by then. Ten prior districts, ten sullen, angry crowds, twenty families perched on their raised platforms - with huge screens behind them displaying the Training Center image of their dead children - twenty families glaring at us with barely concealed hate. Why you? Their eyes seemed to say. Why did my child have to die? Why did you get to live?

It had been far worse in the Career districts, especially Districts One and Two. But it had not been easy in any of them. Oh, the things that we really wanted to say, but couldn't - not after Katniss's heartfelt speech in Eleven had inadvertently resulted in an old man's summary execution at the end of her speech.

I squeeze my eyes shut as memories of the past few months flood my brain. Katniss, pale and gaunt, staring at me as I plant primrose bushes by the side of her house. Katniss, reluctantly allowing me to share breakfast with her, while she feeds Buttercup her bacon. Katniss, blood spattered, appearing at my door asking me for help in hauling a deer carcass back to the Village - and finally seeking my arms for comfort, out there in her woods. Katniss and I, working on the memory book together, quietly talking, with her giving me her first shy smiles as we worked. Me baking a cake for her eighteenth birthday. Quietly honoring her sister - now revealed to be our sister - Prim, on what would have been Prim's fourteenth birthday. The Reaping Day anniversary, naming the town square after Prim, and, that night, hearing her say the words that I never thought I would ever hear her say.

You love me, real or not real.

Real.

Other things - the rigged Reaping, Madge's involvement in the Rebellion, Katniss sharing her lake with me, meeting the Clans, District Thirteen's involvement with the firebombing of Twelve, eavesdropping on her conversation with Gale, me almost killing her again.

She called me Dandelion. She told me that she loves me.

The High Tribunal said that I wasn't responsible for what I did to her. One fact remains. It was my fist hitting her, over and over again. The first time, I almost strangled her. Both times I was stopped by someone's intervention - Boggs in District Thirteen, Lars in Twelve. I owe both a debt that I can never repay. Absently I scratch the scars on my arm - scars from the knife that Katniss wielded in self defense.

She should have killed me. I wish that she had killed me.

She loves me. I love her. That's why I have to stay as far away from her as I possibly can. She deserves a chance at life. She's suffered more in eighteen years than most people do in a lifetime. I'm so sorry, Katniss. I don't deserve your love. I just hope that you don't hate me.

The train suddenly lurches to a stop. The automated voice returns. "District Seven. Please check around your seat for personal belongings and follow the signs to the nearest exit from the train. Disembarkation will begin immediately. Once again, thank you for choosing Panem-Trak and have a wonderful day."

I sigh, rising to my feet and grabbing my gym bag. I slide the berth door open and step out into the corridor. I see the "EXIT" sign to my left, and in a few moments, I'm standing on the platform, inhaling the scent of pine, unmindful of the rain.

I'm in District Seven. My new home.

PART II

I hunch my shoulders slightly and awkwardly jog the few steps to the covered part of the platform. I glance back at the train one last time, and as I do so, catch a whiff of why they call this the "Western Stinker." I guess the moving train blew the stench away from the passenger cars, and the air filtration system kept it out when the train was standing still. The train hadn't yet connected to the boxcars holding the livestock when I originally boarded in Ten. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and turn back toward the train station.

As I do, I see a figure hurrying toward me, clad head to toe in a rain suit. Rain jacket with hood, rain pants, and rubber boots. You would think from looking at this person that the rain was coming down in sheets, rather than the gentle storm that's passing over District Seven. Only one person would take such extreme measures to avoid getting wet.

Johanna Mason.

Even though the hood is pulled up, obscuring her face, there's no mistaking the slight figure. Unmindful of the curious stares and finger pointing that my presence on the platform is generating, I stop and drop my bag. The figure stops in front of me and quickly pushes the hood back, revealing short, spiky black hair sitting above a thin, angular face. I find myself cracking a genuine smile for the first time since that horrible day.

"Jo," I say softly, trying to keep my voice from cracking as I envelope her in a hug. She returns my hug ever so briefly then pushes away forcefully, looking around at the crowd that's just beginning to gather on the platform.

"Come on," she says abruptly, taking my arm to hurry me toward the station. At the last moment I manage to grab onto my bag.

Johanna impatiently pushes the station door open and hurries me inside. It's all I can do to keep up with her as we quickly cross the polished tile floor and head directly to the exit facing the street. She only speaks to me one time while we were in the building.

"Any checked bags?" She asks.

"No," I reply.

"Good." She never lets go of my arm as she pushes the exit door open, holding it just long enough for me to slip through. Once outside, she pauses just long enough to pull her hood up over her head, then grabs my hand and pulls me along behind her. We descend the few steps leading to the street. At street level, she pauses, looks to her left, then her right, then turns to the right and pulls me down the street, stopping at a parked car. She pulls a set of keys from a pocket and quickly unlocks the passenger door.

"Get in," she snaps, as she hurries around to the other side of the car. I open the door and slide into the passenger seat. As I shut the door I hear the drivers side door open, then slam shut. I glance over at Johanna, who's now vigorously toweling off her face and hands.

"Jo?" I ask. "Are you...are you okay?"

"Oh, sure!" She replies sarcastically. "Why do you ask, Stumpy? Just because feeling water on my skin still sends me into panic mode?"

Before I could reply she abruptly starts the car and pulls away from the curb with a jerk. "I didn't know you knew how to drive," is all I can think of saying.

"I learned how when I was twelve," Jo replies tightly, "As big and spread out as Seven is, pretty much everyone learns how to drive pretty young."

"Oh," is all I can think of saying. We drive in silence for a few minutes, until buildings give way to an unbroken expanse of forest. We're on a well-maintained two lane road, heading away from Maintown at a decent clip.

"Where are we going?" I finally ask.

"Camp One," she replies. "It's about ten kilometers from Maintown."

"Why?" I ask in confusion.

"I live there," is her only response.

After a few more minutes of silence, we finally enter what appears to be a small village. I recognize grocery stores, hardware stores, a small diner, and several saloons in the village center, surrounded by small homes and apartment buildings.

Johanna abruptly turns down a side street, drives past several newer-looking homes, and pulls the car up in front of one. She turns to me as she takes the car out of gear and turns the engine off.

"Home sweet home," she mutters, pulling the hood back over her head. She turns and quickly opens her door, bolting from the car, barely taking time to slam the car door shut. I follow, somewhat slower, grabbing my gym bag with my meager belongings. By the time I close my car door Johanna's already in the house, the front door standing open. I enter through the same door, closing it carefully behind me. I stop for a moment, allowing my eyes to adjust to the dim light inside the house.

Johanna is standing in a small living room, impatiently stripping off her rain gear and carelessly tossing everything aside. As soon as her rain gear hits the floor she grabs a towel off the back of a chair and starts drying herself vigorously.

"Yeah, I know," she snaps. "I'm not even wet. But it's just the thought!" Suddenly she wads the towel up and flings it into a corner. We both stand there for a moment, our eyes locked to each other, then Johanna does something totally unexpected.

She starts to cry.

Tough as nails, nothing gets to me, cold as ice Johanna Mason puts her hand to her face as her mouth twists in despair, tears running freely down her cheeks. Her head drops and I see her shoulders shake. I'm completely frozen with shock, until the first sob escapes her lips. I drop my gym bag with a thump and step forward, my arms going around the woman that is the least likely that I would have ever called friend.

Johanna stiffens at first when she feels my arms encircle her spare frame, then her own arms clinch me desperately as she clings to me, her face buried in my chest, her shoulders heaving with sobs. I murmur quietly to her, not saying anything in particular, just making soothing sounds until her sobs gradually diminish and she finally pulls away from me with a loud sniff.

"Thanks," she whispers, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand.

"It's the least I could do," I reply with a wan smile.

"Peg-leg, you don't owe me anything," she begins. "You -"

"Jo," I interrupt, "You were the only reason I didn't go completely insane in that place. Yes, I owe you. I owe you a lot. And it'll never be repaid."

"I'm sorry you had to see me like this," she says miserably. "It's just - let's just say the last few weeks have been hard. Between my own neuroses and all the shit going on between you and Brainless have really taken a toll on me."

"I'm really sorry I dragged you into this," I say softly. "I just didn't know where else to turn."

"By the way," Johanna says sternly, "Could you have left any bigger trail leading here? Holy shit! You practically published your itinerary and mailed it to Paylor! Who, by the way, is royally pissed off."

"I - there was no way I could hide that I went to Ten," I say defensively. "It was the only train leaving that night from the Capitol that I could have taken. And I was careful to stay in my berth the entire time."

"Okay, so you were seen leaving the Capitol and, the next morning, seen in Ten. Of course by then Haymitch had put out an alert asking people to report if they saw you - which they did, after you left Ten on the Stinker." Johanna says. "That, plus the fact that the Eastern Stinker left that morning also, is the only reason why you haven't been picked up yet. They aren't one hundred percent sure exactly where you're headed."

I breath a sigh of relief. "Then maybe they won't -"

"Don't count on it," Johanna says with a laugh. "Haymitch has already called me, asking me to report to him if you should show up here."

"He did?" I say in alarm. I have a sinking feeling that I'm gonna be dragged back to Twelve in a day or less.

"He also called Enobaria, Beetee, Gale Hawthorne, Annie Odair, Brainless's mother, and some doctor in Thirteen that treated you when you first arrived there." Johanna says with a grin. "He's fishing, Peg-leg. You have a little time before they figure out you're here. I'm sure you noticed the attention that you were attracting in the station?"

"Yes," I reply miserably.

"On the upside," Johanna says, "Even if they do figure out that you're here, they can't exactly come arrest you. The High Tribunal decided that you aren't a danger to society and they've dismissed all criminal charges. They can't arrest you for running away."

"I'm sure they'll tell Haymitch, though," I say.

"So what?" Johanna says. "So they tell him? He calls and I talk to him. He can't drag you back, either."

I sit and think about all this for a moment. "He'll still come out here and try." I finally say.

"You're a free citizen of the new Republic of Panem," Johanna says. "He can't just make you go back."

"No," I say slowly. "He can't."

"Katniss?" Johanna says softy. "Is that who you're afraid will come out?"

"Yeah," I whisper.

"Okay, I'm confused," she says impatiently. "You don't want to be around her. You've basically left her. And you're afraid of her coming looking for you? Afraid that she's gonna do something to you?"

"No," I reply. "I'm not afraid that she would do anything to me. I'm just - afraid. Jo, I'm doing this because I - because I love her." I hear my voice rise. "Jo, I've almost killed her twice. I can't risk a third time."

"Peeta," Johanna says gently, "I've spent enough time with Katniss in Thirteen to learn one thing about her. That girl, for whatever mysterious reason of her own, loves you. I'm your friend, and I'm her friend. That's why I'm telling you this. I'll help you any way you want me to - except lie for you. I'll never do that. But if you go through with this, and walk away from her for good, you will be killing her. You'll kill her emotionally."

"She'll get over it," I say, not sounding very convincing.

"No. She won't." Johanna says simply, then, "Sit down. I'm gonna make us some tea. And you're gonna tell me everything. All I know is what I see on Capitol TV. I want to know the truth. And if you want my help, you'll give it to me."

PART III

"And here I am," I finish. Our empty teacups sit on a low table between our chairs.

"And you blame yourself," Johanna says flatly.

I nod. "Jo, I have no one -" I begin.

"Stop." Johanna says quietly, her voice tinged with anger. "Just stop! You know, Mellark, I thought I knew you. Hearing your screams during interrogation, knowing that those bastards were doing everything they could to break you. Using me, Annie, even those two Avox servers - and you hung tough. The only way they could break you down was chemically. And that's the only way that this Nivosus bitch got to you now! What the fuck is wrong with you? Do you have some kind of martyr complex or something?"

I sit in silence for several long seconds. "I don't want to see her hurt anymore by me," I finally say.

Johanna laughs bitterly. "Well, isn't that just so fucking noble of you! Peeta, you showed me her letter. That was not a letter that said 'stay away from me.' That was a 'it's not your fault, I love you, come home soon' letter. You don't deserve her. You could live a hundred lifetimes and not deserve her."

Now it's my turn to laugh bitterly. "It seems I've heard that line before."

"I need to tell you something," Johanna says in a much calmer voice. "When you and Brainless were Reaped - or rather, when you were Reaped and she volunteered for her sister, and you dropped that 'the girl that I love came here with me' bombshell on everyone during your interview - well, almost every Mentor thought that was total bullshit. Oh, you should have seen the eyes rolling! Finnick and I thought it was brilliant strategy. We could see how good you were at playing the audience. And during the Games, when Brainless finally caught on and you two were playing that whole 'Star-crossed lovers' thing - well, that just convinced us that we were watching a big, masterful act."

"You said almost every Mentor," I reply.

"We would be sitting in the Mentor's Lounge laughing about it," Johanna continues, "Everyone talking about what total bullshit it was, and how desperate Haymitch had become to bring a Victor home that he would try anything. Everyone, that is, except Seeder and Mags. They knew, somehow, that what was happening was real."

"It was real," I whisper.

"Yeah, well, it took until the Quarter Quell to convince me," Johanna replies, sarcasm tingeing her voice. "And only because I had a chance to talk to Finnick. Peeta, at first Katniss thought that I hated her. I know she didn't care for me all that much. But you wanna know something?"

"What?" I answer thickly, feeling my emotions rising up.

"It wasn't hate," Johanna says softly. "Oh, I thought she was pretty insufferable, until I realized that she was just naive. But it was never hate. I was...jealous."

"Of Katniss?" I ask incredulously.

"Of Katniss," Johanna admits miserably. "Of what she had, and was to stupid to see. Remember in the arena? The Jabberjays?"

"Yeah," I reply. "Katniss and Finnick - it really did a number on them."

"And I said that they couldn't hurt me that way, because I had no one left that I love," Johanna says quietly. "Remember?"

"Yeah," I reply. "I remember."

"Do you want to know why?" Johanna asks, then continues on before I have a chance to say anything. No matter, I did want to know why. "After my Games, I was, to put it mildly, insufferable. Oh, what a cocky little bitch I was! So full of myself! Blight, he tried to rein me in but I was seventeen and a Victor - I knew it all! So naturally, I didn't listen to him."

Johanna pauses for a moment before continuing. "After I returned to Seven, my family moved in with me in the Village. My Dad, my Mom, my younger sister - she was twelve that year, same as Prim -" Johanna's voice hitches a little while she talks, then she regains her composure quickly before continuing on "- they all moved in with me. I had a boyfriend, too. He was eighteen and had just started working on a crew. We had been going together for two years. I always thought that we would get married someday."

"What happened to them, Jo?" I ask gently.

"I was what happened to them!" She snaps. "It was during my Victory Tour. That last stop, at the Capitol? Blight gave me a note, from President Snow, saying that he wished to see me before the reception at the Presidential Palace. One guess as to what he wanted to see me about."

"Finnick," I whisper.

"Yeah," Johanna says thickly. "I can still hear Snow to this day. 'Miss Mason, Victors have certain obligations that cannot be dismissed. Consider this an honor. Not all Victors are so favored by me.'" She shudders. "Do you know what I said to him?"

"I can guess it was no."

"I laughed at him. Peeta, I laughed at Snow! That's how cocky I was! And I told him that I was untouchable as a Victor, even from him. And do you know what he did?" Johanna asks.

"I would think he got really angry," I reply.

"He laughed!" Johanna says angrily. "The son of a bitch looked at me and laughed. Then he said, 'Oh, we'll see, Miss Mason. We'll see.' Then he dismissed me. In my stupidity, I thought that was the end of it." Johanna looks at me with haunted eyes. "The very next morning, while I was on the train back to Seven, my father was run down and killed by a logging truck."

I look at my friend with stricken eyes. "Oh, Jo," I say. "I'm so sorry."

"I found out about it when I got home," Johanna says quietly. "My Dad and I were really close. Of course I called the Capitol right away, and when I finally got in touch with Snow, I begged him to let me whore for him. And he laughed - again. He laughed and said, 'You had your opportunity, Miss Mason. Now you'll learn the consequence of defiance. You're doing me a great service right now, in fact. You are serving as a wonderful example of what happens to defiant Victors. I needed a new example, anyway - Abernathy is much too old and much too drunk to serve as such any more.'"

"So that's what happened to Haymitch," I muse quietly.

"Yes," Johanna says. "Within the next two weeks my Mom, sister, and boyfriend were all killed in 'accidents.' And everyone knew it was my fault - or, at least, that my being a Victor had something to do with it. And at my first Games as Mentor, Haymitch was one of the first to talk to me. I didn't need any convincing, though. By the time those Games were over I was firmly in the Rebel camp."

"So that made you jealous of Katniss and I?" I ask.

"I figured that Snow wouldn't do to you what he did to Finnick," Johanna replies, "and tried to do with me. The Capitol citizens wouldn't have stood for it. You two were the love story of the century." She says this last sarcastically. "But at the Quell, I could see it. I finally knew what Seeder and Mags already knew. You had something that I didn't have and yes, I was jealous. It's not something that I'm proud of."

I didn't know what to say, so I stand up and walk slowly to the window. It's still raining steadily outside.

"Great weather," I mutter, more to myself than anything. The weather certainly matches my mood.

"Didn't you know?" Johanna asks. "District Seven has two seasons - winter and August."

I laugh humorlessly.

Johanna's phone suddenly rings.

I jerk violently at the sound, spinning around to stare at the ringing phone. Slowly Johanna stand up from her chair and walks over to the phone stand. She looks at me pointedly.

"I'm not lying for you." All I can do is nod.

Johanna picks up the handset and punches a button. "Yes?"

"Oh, hey, rummy," Johanna says cheerfully. "What? Really? No shit?" As she talks she grabs the remote control for her Holo-TV and turns it on. She taps a number and the image stabilizes to show - me, walking across the District Four train platform.

The image is blurry, out of focus, and obviously taken in a hurry - and there's no mistaking who the subject is. "Shit," I say miserably as I sink down into a chair by the window. So much for disappearing.

Johanna mutes the sound on the Holo-TV as she talks. "Yeah. I hear you. Listen, asshole, what would you rather he do? Wander all over Panem? At least with me he's safe and sound. What? Look, I know you think you're some ace Advocate now, but...look, Abernathy, I know a little about the law and Peg-Leg's done nothing wrong! Last I heard it wasn't a crime to want to disappear and...what? Okay, okay - hang on for a minute." Johanna cups her hand over the mouthpiece and looks at me.

"He wants to talk to you," she says apologetically.

"Fuck," I mutter. No sense in delaying the inevitable. Wordlessly I extend my hand. Johanna hands me the phone as she sits back down in her chair.

"Save your breath," I immediately say. "I know what you're gonna say and it won't work."

"Boy, how you managed to survive not one, but two games is beyond me," Haymitch growls. "Your 'disappearing' skills suck - big time!"

"I do alright," I mumble.

"Kid, a blind man could have followed that trail you left behind," Haymitch says reasonably. "But that's not why I'm calling. Jo's right, running away ain't a crime. So don't worry, you won't be seeing soldiers pounding on your door any time in the near future. But you've no idea how relieved I am to hear your voice."

I pause for a moment before answering. "I didn't mean to worry anyone," I say in a small voice.

"No?" Haymitch replies, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You sure as shit coulda fooled me!"

"Look, I'm sorry," I say quickly. "I just didn't think -"

"Exactly," Haymitch says, cutting me off. "You didn't think! And, you had literally everyone that you know looking for you! Not to mention costing that little Capitol nurse her job."

I have a sudden sinking feeling deep inside. "Amalthea? What happened?"

"What the hell do you think happened? She was fired!" Haymitch replies angrily.

Amalthea was fired from a job she loved. Because of me. No wonder Haymitch found me so easily, with the trail of destruction I left behind me.

"I - Haymitch, you have to help her," I beg. "It wasn't her fault. Please."

"Way ahead of you, kid," replies Haymitch. "I've already talked to Galen. He said he would find a place for her on his staff in Twelve." Haymitch chuckles. "She's 'thinking it over.' She's a Capitol girl, through and through. Not sure if she can take the culture shock."

Haymitch's mention of Galen makes me think of something else. "Did you...did you find...the letter?" I ask.

"Yeah," Haymitch replies. "I did. As soon as you disappeared, and I found the letter, Plutarch got me on a high speed hovercraft to District Four. I hand-delivered your letter personally."

"How is she?" I ask, my voice wavering.

"Physically?" Haymitch replies. "Weak as a kitten. She's in a convalescent facility now, regaining her strength. Last I saw of her, she still needs help walking - which is probably a good thing for you. Otherwise you'd probably be dealing with a very pissed off Mockingjay right about now."

"She's mad." I say. It's a statement, not a question.

"That's an understatement if I ever heard one," Haymitch says with a humorless laugh. "Kid, she's furious! And devastated. And depressed. She told me what was in her letter to you. You really don't deserve this girl at all."

"Didn't you say that about her when talking to her about me once?" I ask.

"Times have changed," Haymitch says gruffly. "Kid, you hurt her a lot worse with your words than you ever did with your fists. I don't know if she'll ever recover."

"I'm just so afraid of hurting her again," I whisper.

"You already have," Haymitch says bluntly.

PART IV

The rest of the conversation with Haymitch went about the same way. By the time Johanna took the phone away from me I was having serious doubts about my decision.

She'll get over it in time. She'll move on - find someone else. Someone who won't hurt her the way I keep doing.

I take no solace in these thoughts.

Jo helps me the rest of the day, mostly by leaving me alone. She tells me that she can go into Maintown tomorrow and buy me some more clothes - the meager wardrobe that I have with me needs a lot of immediate help. I promise to pay her back, which she, of course, refuses.

Later in the day Johanna tries to make dinner. I can see that her culinary skills leave a lot to be desired. I ask her how she manages to feed herself and she simply replies, "I eat out a lot." I take over the cooking and manage to whip up something edible from the mess she was making.

Johanna informs me that she goes out just about every night to one of the many bars in Camp One, and sometimes into Maintown to one of the nicer clubs there. She tells me that we'll be going out tomorrow night to "get my mind off of things for a while." I don't really feel like it but I don't argue.

We sit and talk into the night. Johanna tells me that Camp One was where she was raised, so that's why she chose to come back here. I ask her if the house we were living in is her old house. She laughed and said no, that house had been reassigned a long time ago. This house she picked out herself as her replacement for her old Victor's Village home.

As we talk, Johanna calmly reaches for a small case on the end table between our chairs, opens it, and extracts an item that I'm quite familiar with. And auto injector. Johanna doesn't miss a beat. She uncaps it, arms it, and injects herself directly into her neck. She explains that it's a sedative that she takes within a half hour of her showering. She explains it this way:

"I'm still deathly afraid of the water, but, with this, I just don't give a shit."

It must have worked. I didn't hear her scream once while she was showering. She didn't look all that great afterwards, though.

Shortly after that she goes to bed, grousing about it being way too early for bed. I take the opportunity to get cleaned up, although I don't shave. I decide to let my beard grow and see what happens. Right now it's not impressing me at all.

Finally, exhaustion gets the best of me. I crawl into the bed in Johanna's spare bedroom and quickly fall asleep. I wake up several times, nightmares of losing Katniss dominating my dreams, and spend a fitful, restless night. Finally I drift off and hope for no more nightmares.

I wake up once more. At Three Twenty-Two in the morning, what awakens me makes me wish I was just having a bad dream.

This time, I awaken to shaking.