Book Two: By Another Name
Part One: Nobody in the Fifth House
Chapter Thirty-Five: "New Boundaries"
At twelve, I thought I was ready for independence. I was certain that Grandma Lwaxana would allow me freedoms that my parents hadn't.
Following our departure, my life was as unremarkable as it had been aboard the Enterprise. Instead of arriving at Betazed right away, where Grandma promised me I'd have open terrain to explore with bountiful lakes to fish and swim, and a clear night sky with countless stars to reflect upon, we remained in space for two months. Our voyage toward Betazed had been slowed by diplomatic conferences and Grandma's altruistic need to help those suffering. She answered three distress calls and would not allow the pilot to resume our course until each group of people in need had been helped to her satisfaction.
Now, looking out the viewwindow of my tiny bedroom, I eagerly awaited our clearance to land. Betazed, with its swirls of blues, greens, and browns, was so beautiful and inviting. Glancing down at the stuffed dog I'd been absentmindedly petting, I was more ready than ever to discard my past; so I believed.
Grandma stepped into my room and said, "Shannara, are you ready? All your things packed in your away bags?"
"Yes," I replied. "Except Rexie." I showed her my favorite toy.
"Good. Because Mr. Homn will be waiting for us when we disembark."
A few minutes later, Grandma and I stepped out of the transport ship onto the docking bay. Excitedly, I looked around, surprised that much of the crowd wasn't Betazoid. Several different alien races were represented at this station, Vulcans in particular.
Grandma waved at a rather tall man several meters away and with a solemn face, he strode toward us. Although my behavior was imprudent, I stared wide-eyed at her manservant. The tall, ominously quiet man accepted our luggage and loaded it effortlessly onto a small shuttlecraft. He opened the front hatch and with a nod indicated for us to board. He followed us inside, taking the pilot's chair, then piloted us to Grandma's estate in Mendara, a suburb of the capital of Betazed, Rixx.
"Thank you, Mr. Homn," Grandma said and promptly shooed him off to her house with our luggage in tow.
"There's plenty of time to get settled in," Grandma said to me. "Let me show you the grounds first."
Smiling, I accepted Grandma's outstretched hand and allowed her to lead me toward the garden. A marvelous array of color greeted us, from the plump purple berries of the uttaberry bushes to the orange, yellow, and white blossoms of the tikai plants. Fruit trees and a wide variety of vegetables completed the garden. All were neatly trimmed and weeded. Much care had gone into this garden. Yet replicator technology had long ago deemed the work unnecessary. I had read about the glories of Betazed on the transport ship's computer, but had never imagined anything as beautiful as this. Technology allowed for a year-round warm climate.
Before climate-control technology, however, Betazed had suffered severe winters. Sometimes, blizzards had kept people house bound for days and before replicators had been invented, people had to either stock up early on food supplies or scrimp for each meal.
As I walked through the garden path with Grandma, I compared it with being ship bound for the first twelve years of my life. I was grateful for the opportunity to experience the natural beauty of this world. While I missed my parents and little brother, I was glad to leave the Enterprise behind. The warm breeze and bright sun replaced its static environment. With the anticipation of the luxuries Betazed had to offer, for the first time in several months, I considered abandoning the Continuum. I could redeem myself; so I believed. No longer confined, I would spend most of the daylight hours outside, enjoying the sun, the wind, and the fragrance of the flowers.
"Shannara, what would you think if I gave you a section of the garden to tend?" Grandma asked as she stopped to pick an orange orchid and tuck it behind my ear. She smiled at me. She had no regrets about bringing me here.
"I'd love it!" I exclaimed, brushing the orchid's petals with my fingertips. "The garden is so beautiful. I could spend hours walking through it and then when I feel like resting, I could sit under that tree and sketch." I pointed to a large tree about fifty meters from us. It must have been several hundred years old.
"Wonderful. All you need do in return is spend four days a week at the All Souls Academy."
"A religious school!"
"A spiritual one, yes. There are eight days in a Betazoid week; that still gives you four days each week to pursue whatever you want."
"Grandma, I can't believe you of all people are giving me an ultimatum!" I thought about telling her that she had no power over me, that I would do whatever I wanted, but I didn't want to ruin another relationship.
"I've already submitted your application and it's been approved."
I let out a hearty Betazoid laugh. I had never expected this from Grandma. Was she really sending me to school?
"The instructors at the academy will help you fine tune your telepathic abilities."
"Grandma, I don't do well around others my age. They don't understand me and they don't like me."
"My, so pessimistic for an all-knowing being." Grandma shook her head as she admonished me, but I sensed her amusement. "The people from All Souls are different; they are very accepting."
"They accept only those who wish to master their telepathy," I snapped. I sounded like a spoiled child even to myself. Grandma was so generously offering me the life I'd always wanted and I was outwardly denying my Betazoid heritage. Hadn't I often wished I were full Betazoid?
"Shannara, you don't have to perform a task as menial as tending to the garden, getting your hands and your clothing soiled. I have a number of servants who would be pleased at the undertaking. I hope you don't disappoint me by refusing to go." When would I accept that Grandma was as stubborn as me?
Grandma had many servants and when she was away from Betazed on one of her long sojourns, they tended to the upkeep of her house and grounds. She was a wealthy woman, having been born to the Fifth House, but she had also earned great status as Betazed's ambassador for more than thirty years. I could glean a new perspective from her political knowledge. Why was I resisting the opportunity to observe a great woman in action? I had virtually ignored her during our trip while I had sulked in my tiny room aboard the transport ship. Now I was being argumentative and ungrateful.
"I'm sorry, Grandma," I said. "You deserve more respect."
She placed a hand along my back and gently coaxed me northward toward a patch of uttaberry bushes. They reminded me of Mother. When she was not indulging in a chocolate desert, Mother often shared a bowl of uttaberries and a story from her childhood with me. At least, she used to.
Why had I alienated myself from my parents? I'd refused a proposition from the Akodians that would have allowed me as much political power as Grandma had enjoyed. My parents would have been proud to acknowledge me with such a prestigious position. In this verse, I was a nobody, who had passed up opportunities that would have made something of my life. Instead, I'd held steadfast to the ideals of the Q and protected my Continuum membership against the wishes of all my family and friends. While I didn't doubt my parents still loved me, I believed they didn't like me anymore. After all, they had been prepared to cast me off to the Continuum before Grandma had rescued me.
While I had been deep in self-reproach, Grandma had removed her hat and began filling it with berries. "Replicated uttaberries pale in comparison to the real thing," she explained as I plucked a few berries to help her. "That's why I have this garden...so we can fill our basket with sweet, genuine uttaberries."
I laughed at the absurdity of calling a hat a basket; I laughed because I felt great pleasure in helping her perform an archaic and unnecessary task. Despite my shortcomings, Grandma had offered me her haven and her hospitality, while she talked of gardens and sending me to school. She really wanted to ask about the Continuum. She knew that I was picking up on her thoughts and yet she didn't address it. She could provide the spontaneity I needed, but still feared she could not tempt me away from the allure of the Continuum...forever.
She had promised my parents that she would keep me out of trouble. How did she plan to accomplish this? Trouble always found me.
"Grandma," I said, "I'll try All Souls for a while. It will please Mother to hear that I am interacting with others my age." I'd always longed for the chance to interact with full Betazoids and to be more like them. So why did my promise sound so hollow? "Do you think Mother will learn to like me again?"
"Oh dear child," Grandma said, stopping to place a hand on my shoulder. "Your Mother will always love you."
"Yes, but will she ever like me again?"
Grandma reflected on this and for a brief moment, I saw Mother in her eyes. I remembered the day Mother first sent me to regular school and her stubborn persistence that I would attend school and enjoy it. I did not enjoy it then, and I doubted I would have any better luck enjoying school at All Souls. As I had so many years ago with Mother, I would attend another school to appease Grandma.
"If you could take back anything you've said or done over the past two years, would you?" Grandma asked. "Given the chance to live those years over, would you make your decisions differently? Perhaps your answer shouldn't come in haste. From my information, the Q act impetuously without considering how they will affect others."
Why did mortals assume that the Q were all alike? One was as different from the next. "I once believed that my parents were the world," I said, "that going anywhere with Q was preposterous. But Data was right when he guessed that my IQ was growing exponentially. I cannot go back to a simple existence for anyone. One day, I will join Q."
*You selfish little brat!* she thought at me and for a glaring moment, I sensed that Grandma did not like me either. Pushing her away from me, and sending all the uttaberries flying, I ran away from her toward the house. I thought about snatching up my luggage and going elsewhere. Why should I live with people who didn't like me? Or attend a spiritual school for those far less enlightened than me? If I vanished in a Q-flash, they would never know what became of me.
I reached Grandma's house and raced onto the porch and through the front door as though I owned the place. I stopped in front of the winding staircase, suddenly awestruck. "Wow! It's beautiful," I exclaimed. The foyer rose to the second floor and along its peak was an elegant set of sky windows. The walls were adorned with plaques and other souvenirs Grandma had collected from many of the worlds she had visited over the years. I was so intent on studying the inscriptions that I didn't realize Grandma had entered until she placed her hands on my shoulders and spun me around.
"I've welcomed you into my home, Little One," she said. "I'm offering you a chance to redeem yourself. I love you unconditionally. Don't push me away."
I lowered my head into her dress, not caring that the fabric was stained from uttaberries. I cried freely for everything I'd hoped for and lost. "Why am I always getting into trouble?" I asked Grandma between gasps.
"There, there, Little One, I forgive your outburst. Let's go upstairs and change out of these stained clothes." As she led me up the stairs, she informed me, "I had the same problem when I was your age." I found comfort in our kinship. We reached the top landing where Mr. Homn had deposited my bags. I counted five doors down the hall. "The room on the far end is mine and the one next to it belongs to Mr. Homn. You may have your pick among the other three."
I stepped in and out of the first two rooms, then peered out the window of the third. It was the perfect room for me. Below, I could see the garden. The uttaberries glistened in the sunlight.
Grandma walked up beside me and pulled the curtains back to offer us a better view. "I knew you would choose this room," she said. "Do you like the curtains, the room color?"
The room was painted a light blue, while the curtains were almost midnight blue. "This will do just fine," I replied.
"I'll have Mr. Homn put up some shelves. You can decorate it anyway you like, dear."
Turning toward Grandma, I promised, "I'll try to be happy here. You'll see how much I appreciate your hospitality and once I've unpacked, I'll pick you a whole basket of uttaberries. After dinner, we'll eat them for dessert while you tell me a story about your childhood."
"That is a lovely plan, but I want to hear a story or two from you as well. I've missed too much of your life. We have a lot of catching up to do."
"All right," I agreed, smiling. I doubted Grandma really wished to listen to my adventures inside alternate verses, but I appreciated the gesture. She, like Mother and Father resented my devotion to the Continuum. They had believed they could coax me away from the power of the Q. Such an operation was no easier carried out than telling a Borg drone he must comply with Starfleet regulations and behave as an individual.
Then again, why should I shun Grandma for my self-proclaimed guardian angel? Q hadn't graced me with his presence, since he proposed my political career months ago. I need time to think, I had told him. I'd expected him to pop in again a few days later, demanding my decision. Not that I had made one yet, but persuasion was in his nature. Why was he extending me such freedom now?
"Allow me time to think," I echoed my words to Grandma. "I'll be ready to share a tale with you by tonight."
"All right, dear," she replied. "I'll leave you be so you can get changed and go remove my own soiled clothes." Satisfied with our agreement, she left me to arrange my room and my thoughts to my liking.
Eager to return to the bright sunshine I threw my clothes and other belongings haphazardly into the chest of drawers and into the closet. I would straighten up my room during the night, while Grandma and Mr. Homn slept.
After replicating a bucket, I set off to the garden in search of the ripest uttaberries. Although sweet berries appeared plentiful and I picked them in haste, the bucket did not fill quickly. Was there some secret to this task? I could not be working on this past dinnertime!
Compulsively, I raised my right hand and with the power of the Q, filled the bucket. I laughed, delighted by the simple solution and skipped down the path. Grandma wouldn't have to know. Replicated berries might not taste as good as real berries, but I had conjured this batch using the far superior power of the Q. No one like Gaunt could tell on me. No one could order me to stop using the power of the Q and especially my parents could no longer look upon me with disappointment.
"Bravo, bravo," someone said, startling me. I whirled around and spotted a tall, lean man sitting on the limb of the tree I'd chosen as my sketching spot. "You have some gumption after all."
"I know you!" I screamed up at him. "I thought I sent you to oblivion along with that witch."
"Moi? Come, come now. You can't stop the mighty Q."
"I slowed you down though. Don't deny it. If I hadn't pitted you against each other, you would have returned to taunt me much sooner than this."
His eery smile was like a cold front sweeping across the garden despite the warmth of the setting sun on my back. "I've come to do more than taunt you, little Q." He placed his hand across his chest as though over the heart that he did not possess. "Oh excuse me, Shannara Rozhenko, the sainted Q by another name. I should bow down in honor of making your acquaintance." He laughed with a howl. "But it is far more fun to taunt you."
"And you're going to do that how?"
Suddenly, in a flash, he came down from the tree and hovered centimeters in front of me. I stared defiantly at his face as his features appeared more and more distorted. He stuck out his tongue and its slimy tip brushed my cheek.
Revolted, I sprinted toward Grandma's house as though it offered protection. Why I didn't Q-flash out of the garden that day, I've never understood. Perhaps irrational fear made me forget my powers.
"Run, run with all your might! You won't get away from me, little gingerbread girl. I'm the sly fox who's gonna catch you. I can flash in anywhere at any time. So watch your back." His voice faded as he spoke and as I reached the front porch, I gained the courage to peer back and scan the grounds in search of him. He was teasing me. Like a typical Q, he wanted to play before destroying me. I would have to turn his cat and mouse tactic around to my advantage.
Glancing down at my bucket, I was relieved that it was still full. Q had not jinxed my plans with Grandma, at least. She wanted me to share a story, but should I tell her about my visitor? If I revealed this threat, I could expose her to danger. I couldn't be as open and as honest as she would like me to be.
That evening, Grandma led me inside her grand room and we snuggled before the fireplace on a small sofa. Although the room temperature was maintained at a comfortable seventy-two degrees, a small fire helped set the mood for a quiet conversation. Grandma set the uttaberries, now washed and in a large bowl, between us. As I listened to Grandma's tale of a small girl sailing with her father, I wished I had such memories. I wanted to share; if only I had something to share! Although I had no doubts my father loved me, his idea of fun with his middle child was a bat'leth lesson inside the holodeck.
The uttaberries were sweeter than I expected. They tasted better than replicated berries, but I felt guilty for deceiving Grandma with the power of the Q.
"Our boat tipped over and when Daddy could not right the sail, he carried me all the way to shore and out of breath, collapsed onto the sandy beach with me still in his arms. With the taste of seawater in my mouth and the gritty sand sticking to my body, I walked across the hot beach to our hover car and brought back fresh water, sandwiches and a blanket. Father put on a smile and shared a story with me as I am doing with you now. He never admitted how close we came to drowning that day. I knew the truth, though, and I was proud of his strength and bravery."
"You had a close relationship with your father?"
"Oh yes. Daddy could do no wrong."
"How old were you when you realized that wasn't true?"
"Young lady, if their relationship is filled with total trust and devotion, a daughter will go on believing her daddy is perfect no matter how old or wise she becomes."
I was disconcerted by her answer. Overwhelming guilt swept over me as I thought about everything that had passed between Father and me since I had joined the Continuum. He and I came from a stubborn, fierce breed. Perhaps, we were too much alike to get along. As loyal as he was to Starfleet, I too was loyal to the Continuum. Maybe I could have resisted that allure if he'd acknowledged my desire to live on a planet.
"Shannara?" Grandma interrupted my daydreaming. "You're thinking about your father."
I slid onto the floor away from her as though the distance would prevent her from reading my mind. I needed more discipline in withholding my thoughts. All Souls might provide that for me, I admitted.
"Dear, if you can't share what you're feeling with me, how will you ever open up in any other relationships?" She paused long enough for me to absorb the question before asking another. "Would you like to contact your parents through subspace to let them know you're doing all right?"
"No," I replied. This disappointed Grandma. "Why do you care whether I get along with my father? You've never liked him."
"Your father and I have had our differences, admittedly. That doesn't mean I hate him or hope to destroy your relationship with him. I didn't bring you here so you could escape; on the contrary, I brought you here so you could realize the mistake you're making with your family before you vanish forever. You need this separation before you can reconcile, but gallivanting off into some alternate universe with the Q will only further alienate you from people who care about you."
"There's no going back to the innocent little girl I was once. I don't see my daddy as someone who can do no wrong and he doesn't see me that way either." Although my words stung, they were truthful. "I'm a Q now. A board of high Q's have placed me on probation and that means the Q could revoke my membership if at any time I break one of their rules – and I don't even know what their rules are! I could resign voluntarily. However given the nature of the Q, they might cast me inside a penalty box and brand me as a failure."
"What are your alternatives? Abandon your family? Deny who you really are?"
"I am Q. Everyone wants to deny that."
Grandma didn't understand the complexities of the Continuum. Some Q would always view me as an intruder or even a threat whether I was denounced, stepped down freely, or fought for my place among their ranks. There was no continuity within their populace. Thousands, perhaps millions, of highly intelligent beings could not agree with one another and yet the power of the Continuum was so strong a single thread bound it together. We were indestructible! "I can't quit the Continuum. It is part of who I am. I couldn't keep secrets from Grandma if I expected her to understand. So, with trepidation, I told her about my garden visitor.
I stood and reclaimed my seat on the sofa. "Grandma, I'd like to begin my story if I may." I paused. Where did my tale actually begin? Much prefaced my encounter with Q in the garden. "Did Mother tell you that Eric spent a day inside the Continuum?" Grandma's eyes widened; Mother had kept this a secret from her. "It's the reason I finally joined the Continuum. Until I offered myself in trade for my brother, Q refused to appear. When I arrived inside the Continuum, the Q made me endure these ridiculously easy tests. I passed them all, and they placed me on a thousand-year probation, then sent me home to my parents like a spoiled child."
Grandma listened without interruption yet her thoughts were a mixture of incredulity and horror. I stopped my story to question her. "You don't understand why Q solicited a child, do you?"
"Actually, I do," Grandma replied. I was surprised that I'd misread her. "A child is vulnerable and influential. Q thought he could mold you into his image. It sounds as though he's well on his way to succeeding."
"I didn't let him mold me! I contemplated being a Q for a very long time."
"How long – about four years? If Q has given you the gift of immortality, you could have thought it over long enough to see your parents grow old, so everyone could have enjoyed some normalcy."
"Stability aboard a starship," I added. "I thought you understood that I couldn't survive another day of that!"
Grandma sighed. "Okay dear. I didn't mean for this to escalate into an argument. I'm sorry that you haven't finished your story the way you wanted to."
"I do feel some frustrations about being a Q, and even sometimes wonder how life would have been for me if Q had never popped into my bedroom." I paused, gently probing Grandma. "You're thinking I could have turned my back on the Continuum right then and there. After a taste of their silly games, I should have been content with the stability of life on the Enterprise."
"Why weren't you?"
"That's what you don't understand about the Continuum and that's why I'm telling you this now. They won't leave me alone. First one Q pops up uninvited and then another. Their visits have become so frequent that I expect to run into a Q every time I turn down a corridor–or walk down the garden. They've been spying on me, making sure I'm not breaking any of their rules."
"Good! Break one of their rules." Grandma said somberly, though we both feared the outcome. Why not break their rules? I was always so adept at getting into trouble.
"There is too much risk in taking such a bold action. If a Q places me inside a penalty box, there's a danger I'll be cast off into oblivion by another Q being sent to the same penalty box."
"Have you told your parents any of this? If they understood the dangers of quitting the Continuum–"
"I can't talk to them, because they don't want to listen. No one has ever listened to me as you have tonight. Thank you, Grandma" I reached out and hugged her and while she accepted the gesture, she soon pulled away from me.
"There's more to your story, Little One. Please continue."
I nodded, feeling some relief, though I hadn't yet reached the climax of my tale. "The Continuum is a verse in chaos. Q is always fighting Q over philosophies, theories, and property rights. Each Q believes he or she knows everything, is all-powerful and will live forever. Only a few of us have realized the fallacy in the most upheld belief among the Q: We are not immortal."
"And what does Q, err, your Q want from you?"
"He wants me to help him bring harmony inside the Continuum. He hasn't introduced me to any of his other comrades–or cohorts, if that's how you want to think of them, but I'm certain he will. Although, I think I've met one," I added, remembering the red-headed woman who had relayed Q's message.
"Are there many?" Grandma asked.
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "He hasn't told me much about others who share his philosophy." This made Grandma suspicious, but I chose to ignore the emotion. "His philosophy: he believes the Q should reunite or the threads that bind all the verses together may unravel. He wants me to help him parley the masses."
"Are you a willing pawn in this master game?"
"It's more complicated than that. He's helped me. Unfortunately, others don't share Q's philosophy and are openly placing obstacles in my path trying to force me to violate my probation. Just this evening when I was picking these uttaberries, one of the most menacing Q of all paid me a visit. I've dealt with him before and thought I'd cast him off inside a penalty box along with a female Q who also has a nasty attitude toward me. I'm still kind of new at using this power of the Q, though, so I'm not quite sure where they went or how they escaped."
"Penalty box; I believe your mother described one of those to me after their first encounter with Q. Maybe someone let this other Q out. He must have allies. How can you protect yourself against all of them?"
"I must master the power of the Q and defeat them at their own game. You promised my parents you would keep me out of trouble. They wish for me to abandon the gift Q has given me. But I can't. I have already used it since I arrived here today. I did not pick most of these uttaberries," I confessed, tapping the nearly-empty bowl and refilling it. Grandma gasped in surprise. "I will continue to use my powers, but I would prefer if I had your blessing."
Grandma was staring at the berries and ran her fingers along the edge of the bowl as though it was an illusion. "You have my consent, dear. I don't want you to end up in oblivion."
"I won't. You must also promise never to share any of this conversation with my parents. I don't want them to worry. There is nothing to worry about."
She nodded, though I sensed her lingering doubts.