Warning: This story contains Spider-man 2 spoilers. It also contains numerous rants about potential flaws in the movie, so if you have not seen Spider-man 2, or liked Spider-man 2 to the point of mad obsession (since it seems everyone has decided that it is the greatest movie ever made), do not read this. If you Spider-man 2 but are open to the possibility of Spider-man 2 not having been the greatest movie of all time, then you're safe. Also, some of these rants are not my views, but that of the characters, so don't come crying to me if you're offended by something Pietro says.
The disclaimer has four mechanical arms grafted to it, for some reason. That's okay, though, they don't work. Now then, our feature presentation...
The Bayville Grand Cinema downtown was a movie theater created in the early days of cinema, capable of holding a larger crowd of people than most modern theaters, and had balconies to accomodate these added guests. Unfortunately, one of the balconies was closed to the public due to some... damage done to it, despite having just been repaired after similar damages were sustained the year before. That night's feature screening was Spider-man 2, a movie based on a comic book, of all things. As one of the most anticipated movies of the year, Spider-man 2 drew a large crowd, more than could be seated. At first, a few people tried getting into the balconies, but thanks to collapsed stairs (again), they couldn't. Rather than try to get in, they all just went to one of the many multiplexes that were appearing around the city.
"You know, maybe we should stop selling tickets to the balcony since people can never get in," one of the employees said to the manager.
"Are you mad?! Do you want to have to charge them five dollars a hot dog?"
"We already do charge them five dollars a hot dog."
"Excellent."
X-Men: Evolution
"The Brotherhood at the Movies: Spider-man 2"
King of the Worthless
Note: for writing convenience, and to cut down on "said Lance" and "Todd asked", this will be written in a more script-like format... like a TV show!
The Brotherhood sat in the balcony with a ton of snacks they had smuggled in. The movie was over, but with the way blocked, the ushers couldn't get in there and force them out.
Lance- Hmm, not bad, not bad. Opinions, people?
Toad- Greatest movie ever made!
Pietro- All hype and no payoff!
Wanda- It was alright.
Fred- I missed the first hour, I was busy sleeping.
Lance- Hmm, mixed crowd. Okay, first thing's first. Tobey Maguire.
Pietro- I thought he filled the role nicely, but he still looks like he's stunned by the whole thing.
Toad- Are you kidding?! Oscar material, man! Didn't you hear his speech about th' loved ones being hurt?
Pietro- Yes, yes, I heard his stupid loved ones speech. It was all talk and no action!
Fred- But the action they had was pretty good.
Wanda- I thought he was more likeable this time around. His life was actually tough, he wasn't some rich kid being angsty. None of those stupid Xavier kids could've appreciated his performance.
Lance- Good point. I wouldn't say the guy's had the hardest life in the world, but at least he wasn't having everything handed to him. When he wasn't wearing his costume, he kind of reminded me of Toad.
Toad- Huh?
Wanda- Actually, he reminded me of Toad when he was wearing the costume, with all the acrobatics and all that.
Toad- So you guys accusin' me of somethin'?
Pietro- Please, we already know you're a supervillain.
Toad- I ain't no supervillain, I'm a damn... uh... what's th' correct term for someone who's super, but not a hero or a villain?
Pietro- Nobody.
Toad- Hey, that's cold, yo.
Fred- Now Doc Ock, that guy was cool. Nobody could touch the guy!
Wanda- I liked the Goblin better. There was a point to him, all Dr. Octopus was there for was action. It was kind of like they just had him to throw in some action when the movie got too dull. I mean, Alfred Molina was good, but they just didn't give him anything to do.
Pietro- You liked the fucking Goblin better? At least Ock wasn't flying around with a fucking Halloween costume!
Fred- Hey, the Green Goblin had a cool costume! How come you're not attacking Spider-man's costume?
Pietro- Because it wasn't ridiculously over-the-top! Ocks didn't even have a real costume, he just wore street clothes and had his tentacles to make him visually interesting. He pulled off supervillain while wearing civvies, now that's style!
Lance- Yeah, I have to admit he looked cooler than the Goblin, but he was in what, fifteen minutes of the whole thing?
Pietro- What was up with that? Less Peter Parker angst, more Spider-man ass-kicking! This is supposed to be an action movie!
Wanda- I liked that they added more drama into it.
Toad- Yeah, we gotta actually care about th' hero, and this is like, the first time that I've ever cared about a hero.
Fred- What about Luke Skywalker?
Toad- I'm more of a Vader guy.
Fred- Ooh, and I'm Boba Fett!
Toad- No disintegrations!
Fred- He's no good to me dead!
Toad- You have failed me for the last time!
Fred- He's no good... uh... that's the only Boba Fett quote I know.
Pietro- Back on topic, you numbskulls! Now... Kirsten Dunst. Thoughts, gentlemen... and lady?
Lance- They had to find an excuse to get her wet and have her nipples poking through. I'm glad they did.
(Lance and Fred high-five)
Lance- Eye candy aside, she was kinda boring.
Pietro- That she was.
Wanda- What was so boring about her?
Lance- "Do you love me Peter? You don't love me Peter! I don't love you Peter! Do I love you Peter?"
Wanda- Okay, so that got out of hand, but that's how teen drama works. What about Kitty?
Lance- Fine, fi-
Wanda- "Do you love me, Kitty! You don't love me Kitty! I don't love you Kitty! Do I love you Kitty?"
Lance- Okay, fine shut up!
Wanda- Just making my point.
Pietro- The love triangle moved too slowly. We only see the other guy like twice.
Toad- Jameson's son.
Pietro- That was the newspaper guy's son? Small world.
Toad- It kinda works that way in comic books, yeah.
Fred- Jameson, that guy was funny. He stole the whole movie!
Pietro- Stole the whole movie?! He wasn't in most of it!
Fred- But you remembered him, didn't you?
Pietro- Fine, fine, point to you, Blob. Jameson was funny.
Lance- One thing I didn't get, what was Ock rebuilding that machine for?
Wanda- Uh... I don't know. Did they explain that?
Pietro- No, they didn't. He just decides he needs to make a bigger one.
Toad- His tentacles were controllin' him!
Pietro- How do his tentacles control him?!
Toad- They had AI, but he had this chip on the harness, right? It got fried durin' th' accident.
Pietro- So... his tentacles have AI and control him because that thing's attached to his spine. That's nuts.
Fred- It's a movie.
Pietro- That doesn't explain why he had to rebuild the stupid machine. Nobody's going to give him a contract if he had to go terrorize the city to build it.
Toad- Th' way I see it, the tentacles were built to help him with that thing, and since they've got AI, they convinced him that he still needed them by telling him he had to rebuild th' machine, since that's their purpose.
Lance- Wait, wait, wait, what do they need to convince him of anything for? They're stronger than him, all they have to do is pummel him to get him to keep them on... besides, how can he get rid of the arms if they won't let him?
Fred- Yeah, the doctors all got butchered trying.
Toad- Well, cuz I guess he's got some master control to remove them, or something. Maybe they're programmed to be afraid of him or somethin'.
Wanda- But that still doesn't make sense, he snapped out of their control pretty easily. The tentacles talked to him and convinced him to go rampage through the city, but he was acting pretty insane. They can influence his decisions, but how could they affect his personality like that?
Toad- Cuz they're connected to his spine and th' chip got fried!
Wanda- So you're saying that they possessed him?
Toad- Yeah, exactly!
Wanda- So if they possessed him, what did they need to convince him for?
Toad- Okay, not completely possessed, more like... screw with his mind. Maybe he was still sane enough that he needed a motive or somethin'.
Pietro- Whoever wrote this crap needs to have AI tentacles grafted to his back, maybe that way four of those extra minds might decide to give the audience some explanation.
Fred- So he could take them off anytime he wanted to?
Toad- I guess so. In th' comics, they got fused to his back, but here, it looked like he could've taken them off at some point, you know, if they let him.
Wanda- Okay, I get what you're saying now.
Pietro- Hey, he's doing this crazy mini-sun fusion crap, but he's got AI tentacles that can kill people for trying to take them off... they're smart enough to care about their own existance, why didn't he just sell that AI to Harry and not take the risk of that mini-sun thing?
Toad- How do you know he didn't already?
Pietro- Fine, fine.
Fred- It's just a movie, guys!
Pietro- A retarded movie.
Wanda- I still think the movie should've explained all that.
Toad- Okay, so they didn't flesh Doc Ock out very much, but come on, clocktower-train fight.
Lance- Yeah, who cares if it doesn't make sense? That was a kickass fight.
Fred- This is what we paid to see!
Pietro- All hype. Now... James Franco.
Toad- Eh.
Fred- Who?
Lance- Harry, right? Uh... didn't he just stand there ranting about how he wants to kill Spider-man?
Wanda- I thought he was hot.
Lance- Yeah, you would.
Pietro- Hey, let her have her opinion.
Lance- ...
Fred- Oh, Harry... hey, isn't he the Hobgoblin?
Toad- No, you got it all wrong, he's th' next Green Goblin.
Fred- There's another one?
Pietro- What? Another Goblin?
Toad- Well yeah, you saw the end, Harry found all th' Goblin stuff, like in the comics, so now he wants revenge.
Lance- Hey, can they do that? They already had one Goblin, you can't go from kickass Doc Ock back to goofy Goblin again.
Toad- I dunno, but that's what it looks like.
Wanda- There's that other guy, too.
Fred- What other guy?
Wanda- I can't remember, Toad was hopping in his seat and telling me something about some other guy.
Toad- Oh, Curt Connors, Peter's professor! He turns into The Lizard!
Fred- Lizard? That guy's not very cool.
Toad- Well, no, but Dr. Octopus is really stupid lookin' in th' comics, so anything goes.
Lance- Lizard and Green Goblin... hey, didn't the Batman movies all have two villains?
Toad- Th' last one had three. Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy and Bane.
Fred- Who's Bane?
Pietro- Wait, I remember him, big dumb guy with a mask, never said anything?
Wanda- Guys, back to Spider-man. What did you think of the ending?
Pietro- Mary Jane ran out on her own wedding! What a total bitch! The poor guy's standing at the altar and he has no idea why she stood him up!
Lance- So?
Pietro- So?! It wasn't like she was marrying some jerk, he's a victim in all this! Poor guy's crushed and he doesn't even get an explanation!
Wanda- Would you rather she marry him and then have the audience wondering how the Spidey and MJ relationship can still work?
Pietro- Yes!
Fred- It doesn't really work that way, Pietro.
Pietro- The hell it doesn't!
Lance- Why do you care so much, anyway?
Pietro- Because he looked so heartbroken! Poor guy...
Lance- So go find him and comfort him already!
Pietro- What are you implying?!
Lance- So let's review. Maguire's skills have improved, Dunst and Franco are so-so, Molina was good but underused, the plot needed some explanation on Dr. Octopus, we have mixed feelings about the return of the Green Goblin, it was a little talky but the action scenes made up for it.
Fred- You forgot about Aunt May.
Lance- Does it look like a give a shit about Aunt May?
Wanda- I don't.
Lance- Thank you. Overall, the Brotherhood gives this movie four out of five stars! Print that out for me, Toad.
Toad- out of .
Lance- Next week we'll be reviewing... uh... what the hell, there's nothing really good coming up this summer. We'll rent something.
The End
Unlike that overrated crapfest called X2...