Disclaimer: I don't own anything but my original characters.

Vanessa's Pov.

To be completely honest, I was hoping that instead of Lottie being the one to visit, it would have been Sirius, but that was silly. He wasn't allowed to visit me, and now I was leaving Hogwarts.

Mr. Potter had made his decision and I didn't really have a say in it. Which was ridiculous considering it was my life, but hey I've made pretty stupid decisions so far so why would they give me an option? Who was I to argue?

I would choose to where Sirius was, no matter what, and I guess they thought that would influence my decision. If they did think that, they'd be right.

It's going to be painful without him, and I didn't want that weight in my chest to come back.

What I wanted was to be in Sirius's arms. To hear him whisper sweetness in my ears and to smile at me again. That way I'd have the courage to be able to leave the school grounds without pulling my hair out or wanting to press a razor to my wrists once more.

Even if I see him, I'd still want to do those things every second that I'm away from him.

Biting my lip, I threw my shirt over my head. Madam Pomfrey had gotten my things from the dorms earlier in the day. Everything was packed, and my cat, Shadow, put in a small cage to bring with me.

I had taken my time getting dressed knowing that behind the curtain the Healer was waiting with Mr. Potter to take me off the school grounds and to Potter Manor. I had an appointment tomorrow in the morning so they wanted to go ahead and take me.

"Are you done, dear?" Madam Pomfrey's voice came through it.

I sighed, "Yes."

Then I pulled back the curtain, and stepped towards Charlus.

"Good, now we can make it home before eight." He smiled at me softly.

Mr. Potter didn't look at me different when he found out about my scars. He wasn't mad and didn't freak out. He smiled at me and looked at me the same way he did during the summer. He didn't make me feel like he was disappointed in me or that I was a burden. He acted like he just cared about getting me better, and wanted what was best for me.

It was weird to have an adult look at me this way. No one has looked at me since my mom died, and it made my heart quiver that I was putting him through this.

He grabbed my trunk, and I grabbed the handle to Shadow's cadge.

I followed him and the Healer as we left the Wing.

This is it, I'm leaving without saying goodbye to Lily, James, Lottie, Jade or even Sirius. My heart dropped into my stomach and I wanted to throw up.

"Vanessa, why don't you meet me at the train station in ten minutes? I have to stop by Professor Slughorn's to grab a potion for work." Charlus stated suddenly, and turned to look at me.

I stared at him. There was a glint in his hazel eyes that was all too familiar to his son's, and a sideways smile on his features. "Seriously?"

He nodded, and I felt a grin spread on my lips.

"Are you sure that she should be unattended, Charlus?" Pomfrey asked worriedly, but I had already shoved my cat to him and was walking quickly to the dorms.

Please be there, please be there.

I barely saw anything as I ran down the halls. My heart beating in my chest, and I only had ten minutes to say goodbye to him, and everyone else.

The portrait opened when I breathlessly said the password, and I was in.

The common room was glowing from the haze of the fireplace, and students were scattered among the table and chairs. Most it seemed had gone to bed, but a few were still socializing and some cramming in more studying before the next day.

My gaze scanned the room and I saw a head of red hair sitting on the couch with a book in her nose.

I sighed in relief and headed over, "A little late night reading?"

"Yeah, I haven't had a chance all day-" Lily started then her head shot up, "Nessa?!"

She stood up from the couch and I got tackled with a hug. "Hey, Lils."

"Oh Merlin, what are you doing out of the Hospital wing? Does Pomfrey know you're gone? When are you leaving? It's so not fair you're being sent away!" She spouted questions at me and pulled back with curious green eyes.

I frowned, and shuffled my feet.

"That's actually why I'm here. I'm leaving in less than ten minutes." I answered.

"Oh…." Lily swallowed. "Why so soon?"

"I have a appointment at wizarding hospital in the morning, and Charlus wanted to go ahead just take me home with him." I replied, "It's a miracle I'm allowed to be by myself right now."

Lils pushed hair out of her face, and set her book on the nearest table. "Well this sucks."

"Yeah, it does. Where is everyone?" I asked.

"Jade is with Remus tutoring some first years, and Lottie went to bed earlier. James went to find Sirius a while back."

I looked at my best friend in confusion, "What do you mean find Sirius?"

Lily seemed to shift uncomfortably at my question. "Um….well...ever since you've been in the hospital wing, he's had quite a temper, and when he found out that you were leaving he stormed away. James went to find him and calm him down. Also to probably to make sure he didn't beat anyone else up again today though."

My eyes went wide, and I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down out of habit.

"Again?"

"Yeah we'll some Slytherins kinda….said things to piss him off, and Sirius broke his nose, and maybe a rib. I'm not sure." Lily replied, and pulled on the hem of her blouse. She only does that when she's lying or withholding information.

"Anything else?" I gave her a look, and she shook her head.

I rolled my eyes, and huffed, "I'll figure it out, Lily, sooner or later."

"Oh wow, would you look at the time! Don't you want to say bye to everyone else?" She changed the subject, and plastered a smile on her face.

I wanted to press for more answers, but I only had like five more minutes left before I had to be at the train station.

I nodded, and licked my lips.

"I can tell Lottie bye for you since she's asleep. I don't know if we can make it to the Library and then make it to the station on time, and find Sirius and James." Lily said, and started to the portrait. I walked alongside her, and bite my bottom lip.

"Where do you think they are?"

"Before Sirius stormed away he said something about getting some air so my guess is the Quidditch field or the courtyard." We walked down the stairs hurriedly, taking two steps at a time.

So with these two options are my only chance to say bye before I leave, and if I pick wrong I won't be able to. Of course, this happens.

My heart was thudding in my chest. Which one?

"Vanessa?" I spun around, and standing with his chest rising and falling quickly was Sirius.

His hair messy like he ran his fingers through it constantly, and eyes fractic. He was wearing a new white shirt, and like usual his house tie hanging from his neck loosely. Next to him was James still in the sweater and slacks that he was wearing earlier, and his glasses on the bridge of his nose. There was a piece of parchment hanging out his pocket, and for a moment I swear something moved on it.

Though I wanted to see him, I felt nervous and anxious. His gaze was taking in me and didn't waver.

Lily let out a breath, "Thank Merlin! Vanessa's leaving in like three minutes!"

"What?" James exclaimed. Sirius's gray eyes were still on mine, and I nodded.

"I'm supposed to meet Charlus at the train station." I said.

James looked between Sirius and I, and then walked over to me. "Well I guess I'll see you when break starts."

I tore my gaze from the gray and hugged James giving him a small smile.

"Yeah. I guess."

"Hey, don't forget that we're here if you need us, and don't forget to write!" Lily warned and gave me another hug after James.

"I won't." I promised. Lils pulled away and I saw a tear escape, and guilt punched me in the stomach.

"Bye." James grabbed Lily's hand and started back to the dorms.

I watched them leave, and swallowed the tears that were threatening to rise. I wouldn't see him till break starts, and Lily, god know's when. Probably when the second semester starts unless I'm allowed to visit her over the holiday, which is a big chance of that not happening.

Turning back to Sirius, I wanted to cry even more.

He moved towards me quickly, and pressed me to him. His warm arms around me, and face buried in my hair. My palms and forehead went to his chest as I took a shuddering breath. I quivered, and squeezed my eyes shut.

"Shhh...love." He whispered, "You're alright."

"I don't want to leave you." I mumbled, shaking my head, and held on tighter to his shirt.

Sirius held me tighter, "I don't want you to either."

I could feel tears growing in my shut eyes, and I wanted to melt into him. To be apart of him, not able to be separated. To have these warm arms never let me go. Though it's only two weeks or so, to me it'll be the longest two weeks of my life. I needed Sirius to truly feel comfortable, and be happy. I needed Lily, James, Jade and Lottie.

We were silent for a minute, and he pressed a kiss on my hairline.

"Well at least your not leaving to America." Sirius teased a little, and I let out a small laugh, but my heart wasn't in it.

"True, that would be awful." I sniffed, and lifted my head. He was looking down at me with stormy gray eyes.

This is my fault. All my fault. If only I wasn't so attached to that dark that lingered inside of me, if only I had the courage to let go of it sooner. Maybe I could have done something before Carrie had said anything. Maybe I wouldn't be leaving like I am now.

"I'm sorry. I should have told you earlier and-" I start to apologize, but he shook his head.

"Vanessa."

"I'm serious, this is my fault. Maybe it would have been different if I said something earlier, and faced Carrie instead of letting her control me-" I was still talking; the words tumbling out of my mouth.

"Vanessa, will you shut up." Sirius stated, and placed his hands on both sides of my face.

"But-"

He cut me off, "Merlin, love. Let me enjoy the last minutes I have with you, and not have you apologizing every five seconds."

"Okay." I mumbled, "Sorry. Oh, wait….damn."

Laughing, he shook his head at my rambling. His gray eyes became less stormy, and I felt his chuckle from my hands on his chest. Very smooth, Nessa.

He pressed his head against mine once more and let out out a small laugh. His breath making my face tingle, and I was turning red from embarrassment. Smiling, he closed his eyes and I felt myself relax into him.

"I'm going to miss you so much, love." I felt him sigh, and opened my eyes to see him looking at me with sad eyes.

"Me too…." At my words Sirius drew me closer, and I was even more pressed against him. I could feel the rise and fall of his chest against my own, and his warm lips against my temple.

"Sirius, I don't think I can do this without you." I know I can't. He is what keeps me stable in the world, I can only go so long before I feel like falling again. And the time is ticking down to the time I have to get on train platform then leave.

"You'll be fine, love. It's only a two weeks." His voice was meant to sound encouraging, but I could feel the strain of the words vibrate on my skin, and his body grow tense around me. Even he knew that I wasn't going to be good on my own.

"It's going to feel longer." I replied, going along with it.

He nodded in agreement. "Like a century."

Sirius moved his forehead, and pressed his lips to my neck. They were soft, and moved against my skin slowly as if memorizing the curve of it. My eyes fluttered closed, and I sucked in a breath. His dark hair tickled my cheek, one hand curled around my waist, and the other tilting my head gently so he could gain more access.

Both my hands were still against his chest, and I wanted to move, but I couldn't. I wanted to remember the feeling of him. The way his body felt on mine, the feel of his lips against my skin, the way his hot breath tickled, his heart beat and how it raced as fast as mine.

He moved upwards, and placed kisses to my cheeks, and everywhere he could; my eyelids, jaw, temple, nose, and finally my lips. They were tender, and sweet kisses that I could feel all the way to my toes. My mouth moved with him, and he brought both his hands around me, fingertips touching the exposed skin of my stomach as I stood on the tips of my feet, my arms wrapping around his neck.

Faintly, I was aware that I had to be at the station in like a minute, but why did it matter? What could they possible do? I'm already having to leave, and be constantly supervised. It wasn't like they could do anything worse than what I have already done to myself.

All that mattered to me was Sirius and his kisses, and how I would have to leave them for two weeks or more.

My heart was beating quickly, and I curled my fingers in his silky hair pulling it softly. He groaned into my mouth, and his hands moved up to the small part of my back making me shiver from the contact. The kisses ceased when we both pulled away for breath, and then he pressed another kiss to my mouth.

"I love you." As those words came from his lips, my eyes flashed open, and I froze.

He was already looking at me when I opened mine, and his gray eyes were on my face watching my reaction to the words.

"What?" My heart seemed to be in my throat. Did he actually say that?

"I love you." His eyes were steady as he said the words, and seemed to be searching mine.

"How?" It was impossible. He couldn't love me. No one could. I didn't deserve it, and how could anyone ever love me? My breath seemed to stop, along with my heart.

"How can I not? You're amazing, love." Sirius brought a hand up, and pushed my hair out of my face. "I wouldn't change anything about you, because you're perfect to me. Yes, you have your flaws, and I love those. I love everything about you; your stubbornness, your laugh, even your scars."

His other hand moved to my wrist, and rubbed his thumb against the bandages that covered the marks. "I wish that you wouldn't have hurt yourself though."

Tears that grew in my eyes blurred my vision a little, and my arms slid from his shoulders. His hands grabbed them though then laced my fingers through both of his. My heart throbbed in my chest, and I thought it would explode.

"It's okay if you can't say it back right now, but I had to tell you before you left. I'm in love with you, and I'll still love you even when we're not together for these two weeks. If it's possible, I might even fall for you harder while you're away from missing you too much." Sirius stated, and I stared at him.

My mind raced with thoughts of wanting to yell at him for being cruel telling me these things if their not true, but his eyes shone with sincerity, and with the emotion that I now knew was love.

I had always thought it impossible for anyone to love me, but he does. He loves me, though I'm damaged. He knows about my past, and my scars, but he still loves me. I don't deserve his love, but he gave it to me anyways.

My tongue couldn't form the words, though. I've already admitted to myself that I love him, but I couldn't bring myself to say it back. Instead, I reached up and kissed the corner of his mouth then his lips.

Relief and happiness formed in his eyes, and a crooked grin on his lips. I felt my own mouth become a smile, and Sirius kissed me back roughly.

I rocked back on my heels from the force of it, and he caught me then held me steady by locking his hands around my stomach. My hands grabbing onto his shirt tightly, and I felt sparks shoot through me.

He kissed me frantically until I was sure my lips were swollen, and I was out of breath.

Gasping we separated, and my heart tightened in my chest at the look of utter tenderness in his eyes. I wrapped my arms around him, and hugged him tightly. My cheek pressed against his chest as he hugged me back.

"It's going to be harder to let you leave now." Sirius said, and I swallowed as I pulled away from him.

"I don't have a choice, Siri." I replied quietly, "Charlus is probably angry that I'm late, and waiting at the station."

He sighed, and ran a hand through my hair. "I know."

I wanted to kiss him and tell him that Charlus could wait, but the longer we stand here it will only be more painful. Merlin, I wanted to kiss him some more.

Sirius held my hand in his, and began to walk me in the direction on the train. He rubbed circles on the back of my hand with his thumb.

For the most part of the journey we walked in silence lost in our own thoughts about what will happen when we reach the destination. How I will go one way, and he will have to go the other. What will happen during our two weeks apart, and how will we each deal with the situation.

"Sirius."

"Yes, love?" He asked, turning his head to look at me. His eyes were sad, and it made my heart drop.

"Why did you get in a fight with a guy from Slytherin?" The question was weighing on my mind, and I needed to break the tense quiet that surrounded us.

Sirius's grip tightened on my hand, and he tensed. "How do you know about that?"

"Lily mentioned it." I answered, and looked at him suspiciously. What was he, and Lily trying to keep from me?

He stopped walking, and ran a hand through his messy hair.

"A guy and his friend said somethings that pissed me off."

I felt my eyebrows pull together in curiosity. "What did they say?"

"Just some shit that wasn't true. Don't worry yourself, love." He replied, and kissed my hand softly. His gray eyes were peering at me over our intertwined hands.

I wanted to press for more answers, but knew it wasn't the time. Starting a fighting with him right before I leave isn't the best idea. Plus there was this odd giddiness and sadness that surrounded us.

His words about loving me were bubbling in my blood, and I felt as if I was floating, but slowly it was fading away being replaced with guilt.

He loves me, and I'm putting him through as this. How selfish was all the things I've done? I've broken up with him, fought, ignored him, and now I was leaving him because I couldn't bring myself to tell him about Carrie or my scars. I can't imagine how painful it must be and he still wants to be with me. He's still going to take me to the station, though it has to be killing him as much as it is me.

I felt more tears well-up in my eyes, but I pushed them back. No you can't cry, not yet.

Our steps seemed heavy and slow when we arrived at the station. My hand tightened in his, squeezing it till I felt my own hand grow numb. Sirius didn't pull away though, he kept his hand in mine, and pressed back equally as hard.

The muscles in his jaw were tense, and he seemed to be holding in all the anxiety that was probably streaming through his veins.

Charlus was a few yards away, tapping his foot and arms crossed over his chest. His body language expressed irritation, but even from where I stood I could see the playful, and untroubled gleam in his hazel eyes.

Since he didn't have my trunk or Shadow, I guess he must have already apparated them to the house.

He nodded at Sirius then turned to face the other way. I could tell the action was to give us a last minute of privacy before I had to go with him.

My heart dropped to my feet, at the dreaded, and cold feeling that made it's way through my body. It's time to say goodbye, and it's creating a hole in me.

He placed a hand to my check, and I leaned into the touch. His eyes were soft gray like before a terrible thunderstorm. They seemed to crackle in despair, and thundered with a certain gleam of protection. It made my falling heart twitch with my own sadness.

"I'll write you, everyday if I have to." He confirmed, "We'll get through this, love. Together, alright? No more secrets."

"Okay." I promised, and there was a lump in my throat. This was actually happening.

He pressed a pained kiss to my lips, and wove his hands through my hair like I was already fading away from him. Maybe I was? I didn't know what would happen to me in the next two weeks. Would I change? Would I still be alive?

I have to be. For him, Lily, James, and Lottie. I have to get better, and make it through this. I need to get stronger from this so I can have a future.

I kissed him as if I was putting all of my determination into him. Telling him not to worry, and I will control the darkness that surrounds me. I only hope he got the message, as he kissed me back just as roughly.

Then I pulled away, and took a few steps back. Our laced hands hanging in the air for a moment then I slid mine from his, wanting to burst into tears from the loss of it.

I let my arm fall, and he did too, but his was clenched at his sides as if he was trying to keep himself from grabbing my hand once more, or punching something. He turned to Charlus with a serious expression, "Take care of her."

"I promise." The senior Potter answered, "She'll be well taken care of."

Sirius nodded, but he still had a hesitant look in his eyes as they moved back to me. They looked me up and down, and ran a hand through his hair.

Biting my bottom lip, I grabbed Charlus arm when he offered it. Numbness and what felt like utter heartbreak washed over me, as I stared at Sirius.

He stood there in his wrinkled school uniform, his house tie loose around his neck, black hair falling in his eyes, and curling around his ears. Gray eyes mixed with worry, and longing. Then there was his lips that were parted slightly, and mouthed the words "I love you" as he faded from my sight.