I ran for blocks and blocks in the heavy rain, starting to get chilled from the amount of water now soaking my body. I knew that I didn't have anywhere to go, and that each block I ran would make it that much harder to get back to my apartment, but for the moment I didn't really care. I didn't know why exactly I was running, but it crossed my mind that I was trying to outrun my thoughts, though to no avail.
When I cam to my senses, I found myself, exhausted, soaked, chilled to the bone, essentially collapsed in Jefferson Park, with no idea how I had gotten that far from home, feeling completely hopeless and knowing there was no way in hell I'd have enough energy to get back. Granted, I no longer lived in the loft, and Joanne and I had a pretty nice apartment, but we lived very close to the East Village, though actually a bit farther from here than the loft was. Not that I would have been able to make it back to the loft, either, in this state, being that I was over a hundred streets even from there. Of course it would be Jefferson Park…I laughed bitterly, hating myself for being so stupid.
Sighing, I rummaged through my pockets to see if I had any money with me, which I actually, surprisingly, happened to. Granted, it was no fortune, and thus I obviously couldn't afford a cab back, but the subway would have to do. I hadn't realized that I had my cell phone with me until I heard it ringing from the depths of my baggy green pants. Upon finding said phone, I obviously answered it. Before I could even speak, I was bombarded.
"MAUREEN! Where the hell are you? Why haven't you been answering your phone? I was worried about you! Are you okay?"
"I'm in Harlem. I don't know how I got here. I'm taking the subway home." I heard Joanne sigh heavily from the other end. "Jo…I'm so sorry. I just…I don't know what's wrong with me. I need help and I know it but…I don't want to admit it. I just have this overwhelming sense of defeat and I can't take it. I was trying to clear my mind, to outrun my thoughts, but it didn't work. I guess I was trying to get away from my life, but I know that I can't, and I just want to make things right between us. And fix things between myself and everyone else. I need to fix my life."
"I know baby. Just…come home and we can talk, sweetie." I was crying now, furious with myself for my stupidity. I managed to find a seat on the subway car, much to my delight, as I though that if I stood any longer I would collapse. As it was, I fell asleep in my seat for an ungodly amount of time, waking up at the stop before mine, miraculously.
Groggy and sore, I dragged myself from the seat and out of the station feeling dizzy and dehydrated. I bought water from a hot dog vendor with the last of the money in my pockets. I sat down on the steps to a random building, my head throbbing, my muscles screaming, and drank the water slowly. When I finished, I remained there thinking, closing my eyes gently, arms crossed on top of my knees, resting my forehead on my arms.
"Maureen?" Oh great.
"Hi Mark." I didn't even bother to open my eyes, and because of that was startled when he placed his hand on my shoulder, as I hadn't known how close he was to me.
"What are you doing here? Are you okay?" I looked up, realizing that I was, indeed, outside of the loft. Oops. He extended a hand to help me up, which I took eagerly, not knowing if I would have been able to get up on my own. My head was spinning when I stood up, causing me to wobble and almost fall. I ignored Mark's concern as he helped me up to the loft, to weak and tired to object to his help or insistence that I come with him.
He sat me down on the couch, then threw some dry clothes of his own at me when he emerged from his bedroom after changing his own soaked garments. I changed as he made put on water to make tea. When it was ready, he returned and handed me a cup, which I nursed mainly to return the warmth to my hands, finding myself not at all surprised that I was unable to adequately warm myself, even in the summer, although in my defense, it was a rather chilly night. Mark wrapped a blanket around me and sat on the milk-crate table before me, looking at me with an intent and concerned gaze. I looked down, tracing the chipped rim of my mug.
"Maureen, what's going on? You haven't really been yourself lately." I felt rage building up within me.
"How the fuck would you know that? I only see you once a week very briefly, and it's not like you ever even speak to me!" He looked astounded and slightly hurt. "Sorry." He shrugged.
"I guess I have sort of been neglecting you. I didn't want to intrude. You locked yourself in the bathroom! I tried to tell you that I was leaving, but you didn't respond! Of course I knew something was going on with you. I love you…you're like…a sister to me." I could tell that those last words took a lot of effort for him, and was suddenly overwrought with emotion. I put the mug down, hugging my legs into myself, burying my face in them, feeling warm, wet circles growing on them. I head him trying to soothe me, felt him sit down beside me and take me in his arms as I cried uncontrollably.
When I recovered, I rose begrudgingly, much to the dismay of my entire body, but knowing that I needed to get back to Joanne. Mark looked confused and concerned, and I told him the situation. He nodded, embracing me tightly before I left. I thanked him for helping me out, telling him I'd have his clothes ready for him to take the next time he came over as I walked out the door, my heart sinking as I realized it could well be a while before I got another opportunity to speak to him as I so desperately wanted to, knowing that by leaving and blowing this chance I would probably have to suffer through potentially several more weeks of brief visits and jealousy over the amount of attention he paid to Marcie. I bumped into Mimi on the way out, and she seemed disappointed that she had caught me on my way out, telling me that she was going to give me a call sometime soon. I nodded, smiling, telling her that I missed her, and continued on my way.