Chapter 38: TV Special
It was nighttime and the gang was huddled around the TV waiting to watch the TV interview the Shinra News had come over to film earlier that day. Fang ran out the bathroom, "Bloody Pulse, why didn't anybody tell me I had a piece of olive stuck on my tooth!?" She had filmed the entire day like that.
"We thought it was some kind of Oerban tooth tattoo," Sazh said as he buckled Dajh into the car-seat seat.
"A tooth tattoo?"
"Yeah, like mine!" Tidus said and showed off his tooth tattoo that was just the word "bruh."
"Speaking of tattoos-" Snow started to take off his shirt.
"DON'T," Serah pleaded.
"Christ!"
"Come on!"
"Not cool," everyone disagreed at Snow's l'Cie brand tattoo.
"Hey, those were fun times! I'd do it again in a heartbeat," Snow was serious; the same day his brand vanished he went and got it tattooed back on as a tramp stamp.
"She's gonna call the cops on you!" Serah smacked him upside the head as, you know it, Lightning called the cops.
"Hi, yes I got a l'Cie in at my place. Yeah, thanks," Lightning told the police, glad she finally had a reason to get Snow behind bars. The police arrived almost instantaneously and the red and blue lights flashed in through the window.
"Listen, your name is S-Bomb, you're a l'Cie, your favorite food is scrap metal, and you only speak in grunts," Noctis gave him some advice for prison.
"Hi! The name's Snow, nice to meet yall," he greeted the police and was escorted out to be taken to jail.
"It's starting!" Hope was sitting 2 inches from the TV waiting anxiously for the TV special, praying to Jesus that his mom wasn't watching. He got a text that same instant, "Just tuned in hun."
"Oh no!" Vanille said as she and Lorenzo were busy dying her hair in the kitchen sink for the re-opening tomorrow. They got a bucket and went to continue the dye job in the living room.
"TONIGHT ON 20/20," the TV special started. "The Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, fact or fiction? Real or dream? Lies or truth?"
A black car drove into the parking lot and the crew in black exited. "You can't park there!" Tidus' voice could be heard. "Today we are here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm. After the death of our beloved Chocobo Bill, a tax evasion scandal, drug allegations, and a homicide, does this place still hold up as a family friendly attraction? We asked the employees," Tseng said.
"Yeah we have asbestos in the barn and lead in the water. I wouldn't bring my dog here," Noctis had told them, wearing a ski mask.
"This is Sitcon, head of security of the farm, who requested to keep his identity a secret."
"Crimes? Just a few weeks ago someone died of a heat stroke and we're constantly arresting kids for littering," Noctis finished. "And don't get me started on the parking lot."
"This is Tidus, part-timer in charge of the parking lot."
"Don't get me STARTED!" Tidus screamed. "Half the people driving in here are teenagers without a driver's license or blind people! I am constantly dancing with death itself. WOAH!" he dodged another car in his Heelys.
"Death. It's fast, and furious. We spoke with the owner Electra Loire, locally known as Lightning Farron, on her thoughts on Chocobo Bill's death."
"Who?"
"You know, he used to run this place and drowned in the pond," Tseng had to remind her.
"Which pond? We got three."
"This is her younger sister, Serah Farron, who actually knew what we were talking about."
"I remember it like it was yesterday! I was…at school? Or…at the supermarket? Wherever I was I saw it on the news and couldn't believe it! I was so shocked I died-" her words were edited for dramatic effect.
"After the commercial break we take you into the home of Chocobo Bill. You'll be shocked what you see," Tseng finished his segment for the commercial break.
"You don't even have a dog!" Lightning got mad at Noctis.
"What drug allegations!?" Serah feared that the crew misinterpreted Snow's toothpaste obsession as a drug addiction.
"Pack your things, I'll be there in 1 hour," Hope's mom texted.
"MY MOM'S COMING!" Hope screamed.
"OHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO," everyone panicked.
The show came back on, and Reno was sitting on the front porch of the house. "Home. I never had a home, but Chocobo Bill did. And we're here, to give you the insider access you never had into the mystery that is the House of the Chocobo Farmer," he knocked on the door.
"EVERYONE ACT NORMAL!" Fang's voice was heard from the other side. "Oui oui?" she answered.
"Reno, Shinra News. Got it memorized?" he entered inside. "At first glance, they seemed normal, enough. But little did I know, the staff of this farm was harboring a dark, dark secret."
Lightning proceeded to introduce her staff. "Serah, petting zoo supervisor. Sazh, ride technician. Hope and Vanille, tickets and customer service. Sitcon, head of security and finances. Fang, tour guide. Snow, DAMN YOU where are your shoes!?"
"Oops!" Snow said and went to put on some socks and shoes.
"Kairi…Kitchen. Riku…food handling. And…" she stopped at Tidus.
"Tee?" Tidus gave her a hint.
"Pee?"
"Yes. Teepee," Tidus gave up.
"And…Electra," she almost forgot Lightning died. Rude tried to give her a handshake. "Don't touch me."
"Ms. Electric, care to show us around the house?"
"No, you really don't want to," Lightning warned; they weren't expecting this, the house was a mess. God forbid they see the bathroom.
"Oh but we really do! Most people don't know that this establishment has a long history of illegal activities. What started out as a Chocobo Farm in the 19th century quickly became a safe house for the Underground Railroad and later a meth lab. Records indicate that the kitchen here was the laboratory," Reno told the cameras.
With the camera on her, Kairi gave an awkward wave and Riku held up a cardboard sign, "VOTE SANDERS."
"And the attic was the hiding place of the slaves sheltered here. Urban legend says the attic contains the legendary Zohar," Reno finished.
"Who's making up these urban legends!?" Fang said.
"Um," Noctis looked around nervously; he may or may not have screwed around with the farm's wikipedia page.
"DON't!" they yelled as Reno went to pull down the attic door.
"What I found in that attic changed my life forever," Reno narrated.
The instant Reno pulled down the attic door Sora and Lorenzo fell out of the attic and onto the living room floor. "Not cool, I was just finishing a round of Monopoly with Garbanzo here," Sora said as he rubbed his sore butt.
"I do not know how to play Monopoly," Lorenzo had never even heard of it until this day.
"We have found Sora Joel Osment hiding in the attic of the residence of the Farron Sisters. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"No way. My dad said I'm not allowed to talk to the press without him, and he's booked till Christmas…2017," Sora said. The intern Cissnei got the agreement into writing to talk to him on Christmas Day 2017.
"And this is Lorenzo, who we heard arrived on their doorstep earlier this day in a wooden crate."
"My name is Lorenzo, I am an exchange student from Brazil. I am going to start college and my major is fashion design," Lorenzo told the cameras.
"WHAT?" Vanille dropped everything. "You're supposed to be my boyfriend! I paid so much money for you!"
"No, you paid for my passage into the country! You are my host family," Lorenzo told them the truth.
"Oh my god, Lorenzo are you gay?" Sazh realized.
"You getting this?" Reno asked Rude on camera duty.
"Oh yeah," he said and had the camera zoomed in real close to the tears in Vanille's eyes.
"Will you at least pretend to be my boyfriend?" Vanille pleaded. "Word on the street's Noel Kreiss is coming to the reopening and I need to make him jealous."
"Who is this Noel Kreiss? Is he handsome?" Lorenzo was intrigued.
"VERY," Serah said.
"Ok, try this again. You guys erase the past 5 minutes and start over," Vanille demanded of the news crew.
"No way, this is the juiciest thing we've got all week! We just spent the past few days covering the bingo sessions at the senior citizens center, no joke," Reno said.
"No, let us do it again!" Lorenzo quickly went in the bathroom to put on some fix his hair. "Oh my god!" he yelled when he saw the bathroom then came back. "My name is Lorenzo. I am Vanille's boyfriend. Noel Kreiss, I am coming for you."
"OK, now say it like you like me and hate Noel," Vanille wanted one more take since he said it like he hated her and wanted Noel.
"When we come back the drama is over, but the juice isn't," Reno concluded his segment.
"What kind of clothes do you make Lorenzo?" Vanille asked her fake boyfriend who continued to dye her hair blood red in the bucket in the living room.
"I make the evening gowns, very sexy," Lorenzo said. "You want one for tomorrow? I'll make for you. Free of charge, just tell all it's courtesy of Lorenzo."
"My mom drives really fast when she's mad, she should be here all the way from Palumpolum soon!" Hope said and ran to go clean his portion of the bedroom.
"Teepee, go lock the gate," Lightning started to anti-Nora the place. "What do white people hate?"
"ASKS THE WHITE CHICK," Sazh laughed.
"Easy!" Fang said. "Rap music, vaccines, walking barefoot indoors, spicy food, or spices in general."
"Gate locked!" Tidus came back.
"Go make a sign that says 'Flu Vaccines here' and put it on the gate outside," Lightning delegated and tuned the entertainment system to play 'Get down for what' on repeat VERY loudly and Fang got to making some Oerban curry in the kitchen.
"We can't hear the TV!" Vanille reminded them.
Rude was cleaning his shades went the footage came back on. "So, tell us about the house."
The gang was frozen. Snow volunteered, "Of course. Well, you may have seen it during your time playing Final Fantasy VII, but there have been a few upgrades since then. There are now electronics in the parlor, a fridge and stove in the kitchen, and a bathroom to bathe and go peepee and poopoo. In ye olden days good ol' Chocobo Bill had an outhouse and bathed in the pond, the same one that killed him."
"TMI, have some respect," Rude said and moved into the kitchen. "This is Kairi, and our sources say this is her Kitchen. Tell us about your work," Rude handed the poor girl a mic.
Kairi froze, her eyes huge just staring blankly into the camera. "She's creeping me out," Reno said on camera duty.
"I….make things here, sometimes," Kairi said before Riku snatched the mic from her.
"She makes MAGIC. We used to cook in Kairi's actual kitchen at her cottage in Harajuku but we relocated here to save time," Riku explained. "We usually start our day heading to the supermarket and getting whatever's on sale then come here and wing it. We'll have fried chicken tomorrow, you don't want to miss it. Right Kairi?"
She was gone and Rude opened a random door. "PHEW!" the gang was relieved he just opened the bedroom door. "Ohmygod," Rude's draw dropped.
It was a paradise compared to the bathroom but still hella bad. During these few months at the farm the gang managed to turn this 3 bed room into the "multipurpose room." There was random work out equipment nailed to the walls, piles and piles of clothing all around, a trash can right in the middle, and personal momentos scattered about. "Do you all have a hoarding problem? We're filming a hoarding special next week, we can just come back then," Rude wanted to GTFO.
"What hoarding problem?" Sazh said and turned to Vanille. "Vanille we got a hoarding problem?"
"Noooo way!" she said, removed a random item from a random pile, causing it to collapse over, revealing a Dajh hiding in his makeshift crap fort. "Como estas?" he spoke in tongues once more.
"Boy there you are we've been looking for you all day to help clean!" Sazh said, removed his son from the fort, and proceeded to spank him on camera.
"Don't! White people will be watching," Fang knew and threw up some random gang signs to the camera make sure the white people don't mess with them.
"What is this over here?" Rude opened the only door left unopened.
"NOOOOOO!" everyone yelled.
The bathroom was the most horrifying thing Rude had seen in his entire life; it wasn't disgusting, it was just a major safety hazard. Never before had he seen a hair straightener shoved down a toilet, still plugged in, and a printer on top of said toilet printing what seemed to be Sephiroth X Balthier yaoi. "Shoot!" Serah quickly retrieved the pages and hit the printer until it turned off. In addition, the bathtub was simultaneous acting as a washing machine and dish washer with a Poo-chi robot toy swimming around to propel the clothes and dishes. On the ceiling were hanging several strings of yarn with makeup products clipped on to save space for all the drugs hidden in the mirror cabinet.
"I swear to God this was how Chocobo Bob left it. We're just trying to preserve his memory," Lightning lied.
"Even this photo of Zack Fair glued onto the mirror?"
"Yeah, he'd wake up every morning and say hi to him," Lightning almost didn't replace the word "I" for "he'd."
"When we come back we meet the famous chocobos. This is Rude, and I'm OUT," he walked off the show.
"She says she'll be here in 10 minutes!" Hope screamed. "Who's gonna talk her out of taking me away!?"
"Well, I dunno. Too bad our staff member with the highest customer satisfaction is in JAIL!" Fang reminded Lightning.
Just then a patrol car pulled into the premises; it was a cop escorting Snow. "Take him back, we don't want him!" the cop left Snow on the porch.
"What happened?" Serah asked her husband.
"Yeah… they may or may not have plugged in my phone into one of their computers to look for evidence, unleashing a virus that literally wiped out their entire system," Snow confessed; he really needed to stop downloading all those Naruto mp3s from the Dark Web.
"Great. Now that you're here, we have an important job that needs to be done," Lightning said. "Nora's gonna be here in 10 minutes are you need to get her off the property," she locked Snow out of the house.
It was Cissnei's first ever time in front of the camera and she was going to make it count. "This is Cissnei from Shinra News, here at the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm with none other than the chocobos themselves. Who is this one?" she stood by the corral.
It was Vanille and Serah that would do the introducing. "Apple Jacks, DON'T TOUCH HIM! He will jack you up," Vanille said; last time she touched him she found out Noel Kreiss was back in the market to ruin her life.
"Too late," Cissnei gave him a pet; her phone rang with a text. "My apartment burned down."
"Just yours? Not the whole building?"
"Just mine."
"Anyways," Serah quickly changed the subject. "This is our super special treasure, the pink glitter chocobo chick!" she held the precious thing in her hands.
"Awww," Cissnei pretended to be intrigued. "It's name?"
"Shoot! Vanille?" Serah turned to the unofficial chocobo namer.
"Uh…" Vanille had to think for an entire minute of awkward dead air. "…. Shady Nasty."
"Shady Nasty?"
"Shady Nasty."
"Doesn't the Rabanastre farm have an entire exhibit of these?" Cissnei suddenly remembered.
"An entire exhibit of what?" Vanille asked.
"These glitter chicks."
"What glitter chicks?"
"The ones in her hand!" Cissnei got mad.
"What hands?" Vanille was just using her usual customer service tactics. "Sorry ma'am, I cannot understand what you are trying to say. Please come again soon."
Snow was by the gate outside barefoot and holding a plate of spicy curry and playing some gangster rap tunes when Nora's minivan pulled in. "Let me in!"
"Are you here for the flu shot, Oerban New Years, or the hip hop dance off?" Snow asked.
"I'm here to take home Hope! You people are putting him in danger!" Nora screamed and tried to drive through the locked gate.
"Woah! Excuse me ma'am, I asked a question and I don't remember giving you permission to yell at me like that. Flu shot, Oerban New Years, or hip hop dance off? I can only let you in for one of those three reasons. If you are here to see the chocobos or any of their affiliates you need to come back during business hours tomorrow, 9am to 5pm. You may leave comments or suggestions in the suggestion box if you desire," Snow did his spiel.
"Let me speak with the manager!"
"Oh ho ho!" Snow roared. "Trust me, youdon'twanna. Oh hi Greg!" Snow waved to the husband in the back seat.
Elena was known for one thing and one thing only, getting dirty secrets out of the most stubborn people. "This is Elena, and I am sitting here with the manager of the Farron Sisters' Chocobo Farm, Electra Loire. Is that even your real name?" Elena started the personal interviews.
"Yes, what are you talking about? Haha," she played it safe in case her multiple sugar daddies were watching.
"So what happened to Lightning? The real Farron sister? Why is there only one Farron sister left? Shouldn't you rename the place?" Elena used her tactic of asking multiple intense questions, leaving the victim to have to answer at least one.
"You want the truth? She's dead. I killed her."
"Wow that was easy," Elena thought. "Where is she buried?"
"You're looking at her."
"But you're Electra, I'm looking at Electra."
"And?"
"You're telling me I'm looking at Lightning."
"You are."
"But you're Electra!" Elena started getting tears in her eyes.
"I am."
"Then where's Lightning!?"
"You're looking at her, and she's looking at you."
"STOP!" Elena finally had Lightning escorted out the trailer, but not without a wink into the camera.
Everyone went outside to witness Lightning murder Nora; with Esthar's federal reserve on speed dial there would be no consequence.
"What the hell do YOU want?" Nora was greeted by Lightning and a lead pipe.
Nora got out of the minivan. "I want my son and I want him now because I want to take him HOME!"
"So, translated into my language you want to take my MVP because you want to get smashed in the head with a pipe?" Lightning clarified.
Nora backed up and tried to open the minivan door. "She ain't got no keys!" Sazh announced when Nora realized she locked herself out.
"GREG!"
"Ain't no lie baby bye bye bye," Hope's dad was listening to some tunes on the radio.
"Claire, come on, let's do this, the right way," Nora balled her hands into fists and was promptly punched in the face by Lightning.
"OHHHHHH!"
"GET HER! GET HER GOOD!" Greg cheered.
"AH!" Hope was scarred for life witnesses his mom and boss mom in a fist fight.
"Ooooh. Ow. Oh, oh, that's gotta hurt. Light, no, no, please. No, don't put the duck in the oven! Oh, she didn't even put any stuffing in. Oh, oh gosh. Oh, ow. I didn't think you could twist a foot that far. Oooo. Yeah, no, no, no. Oh she's still going. Oh wait yeah, no, yeah. Ok there she stopped," Snow narrated the fight which gave Lightning 1 EXP and one pumpkin spice latte in loot.
"Is she dead? Please tell me she's dead!" Greg rolled down the window. "DANG IT!" he yelled when Nora got back up.
"Mom, stop! Did you even watch my interview on the show?" Hope said.
"Your interview?" Nora said with a toothless mouth and hairless scalp.
"Here I have Hope, whom I heard is very nice and still a child," Elena started her interview with the boy and finished wiping away her tears. "Anyways, what the hell's wrong with your boss? Do you feel like your life's in danger? How do you survive here? Do you even like it here?"
"She takes some time getting used to but one you decode her language it's not so bad. 'And?' means 'say more' and 'maybe' means 'yes.' I don't feel like my life is in danger at all! Especially with all our security around, I can't even get away from stealing a penny from the cash register! I survive by doing my job and eating food. Of course I love it here! Before coming here I was a bum; my mom never let me outside and didn't even let me go to college because it was too dangerous having so many adult girls around. But here I learned how to math, how to adult, and I improved my spelling! And now with our unlimited budget the farm's gonna be better than ever. We have a lot in store for the reopening tomorrow and I hope everyone comes!" Hope answered.
"Wow, you answered all my questions," Elena couldn't believe it.
"Yeah, that's what happens when I live with very demanding women. I can't say no," Hope said.
"Hope, you're coming home with me," Nora demanded.
"You're staying here Hope," Lightning ordered.
"AH," Hope couldn't say no.
"Why don't we take a vote?" Noctis suggested.
"You democrats and your democracy," Nora threw shade.
"Democracy isn't- whatever. Raise your hand if you want Hope to go home," Noctis started. Nora did so. "Raise your hand if you want Hope to stay." Twelve hands went up.
"You too Lorenzo?" Vanille noticed him raise his hand with them.
"Hope seems like nice boy. I want him to model for me."
"Give me one good reason I shouldn't take my son home right now," Nora's blood was boiling.
"Because I'm married to the president of Esthar and I can have you launched into space and encapsulated with the devil Adel herself for all eternity then sue you for scuffing my boots," Lightning was dead serious. "All in favor?"
"Aye!" everyone raised their hands.
"She's not kidding mom, go home. I'll be ok," Hope waved his parents goodbye as they drove away.
Next time: It's the grand reopening!
Sorry again that this chapter was late!
Please review! Thank you so much cookiekupo and CustomEyes! :D
See you all next time ^_^