Disclaimer: I do not own any familiar characters/settings/plot featured in this story. They all belong to (most likely rolling in his grave) J.R.R. Tolkien.
Act III: The Diplomat
Chapter Six
After his meeting and agreement with Vizier Sözen, Bilbo spent the rest of the day down in the Lead District with Arnina tending to his patients and making arrangements to see to their well-being. While he wouldn't be able to spend as much time with them as he would have liked thanks to his new unwanted career as a nanny, he still wasn't going to ignore them completely. He even informed Arnina to fetch him from the upper levels if there ever was an emergency. Arnina took the news well and promised that she would keep a close eye on the patients for him.
Neither Dori nor Ori were impressed with Bilbo's news of his upgraded position as a royal babysitter, but understood that it wasn't his choice either. He had no idea what Nori would think of it all as he was still missing due to his apparent new 'job' that no one knew of.
The next day came far too quickly for his taste and soon enough he was back at the palace; sitting in yet another richly decorated room, waiting to meet with Lady Hafsa. Around him stood no less than three huge bodyguards; one of whom was even a Dwarrowdam who made Dwalin look petite. Unsurprisingly, they did not make him feel any better about his situation.
When Lady Hafsa finally did make her appearance, he jumped to his feet and gave her a clumsy bow that he hoped wasn't too offensive. "Good morning, Lady Hafsa. Pleasure to see you again," he said, looking up at her from beneath his lashes.
"Master Bilbo," the Dwarrowdam returned coolly, bowing her head. She was dressed in a bright yellow and orange gown that hugged her chest and waist painfully tight. Her black hair was hidden beneath an orange and gold veil that had little jewels sewn onto the edges that jingled with every move. She looked very beautiful and every inch a princess.
"Gratitude for agreeing to act as my chaperone during the duration of my visit," she said, blinking her kohl-lined eyes slowly, "It was very kind of you."
As if either of us had a choice on the matter, Bilbo mentally scoffed while giving her a strained smile. "Of course. I have to admit though; I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to do here," he said cautiously. "I've never been a... companion of foreign nobility before. Are there certain rules I should follow around you?"
"I... suppose there are some," Lady Hafsa admitted, scrunching her finely plucked brows together, "keep a respectable distance from me, refrain from physical contact, keep a level voice, and bring no shame upon me or my house with your actions."
"Those aren't rules, milady, just basic manners," he commented dryly, stuffing his hands into his pockets.
Lady Hafsa blinked a few times, looking faintly surprised. "Is that right? Is that a Hobbit custom then? Or a personal choice?"
"A... Hobbit custom, I guess? My parents taught me to be polite?" Bilbo answered, taken back by her words and unsure how to answer for a moment. After a second of thought he added, "I mean, manners are very important to my people, but being decent to others isn't only limited to Hobbits. It's something that everyone should be doing regardless of race."
Lady Hafsa glanced to her female bodyguard with her red lips pursued together. "That is a very interesting outlook for a prince—"
"Oh, please don't start that again," he begged with a groan, covering his face with his hands, "I told you all already that I'm not a prince because Hobbits do not have such titles."
"Apologies, Master Bilbo, but the concept is very difficult for me to grasp. The only way I can translate it is by using the ways of my own people."
Well, he couldn't fault her for that. "So... what is the plan for today?" he asked, deciding to change the subject to something safer and less focused on him.
Lady Hafsa gracefully folded her hands together before her and nodded to a basket of cloth sitting nearby on a chair. "I have been invited to partake in tea and embroidery with Her Highness Princess Dís and the other ladies of nobility," she explained promptly.
"That's..." Bilbo trailed off, unsure how to phrase 'unbelievably boring' without coming off as rude but kept coming up shot. Finally he decided that lying was really the best choice. "Nice?"
Lady Hafsa blinked her eyes again as something like amusement passed over her face. "As you say," she commented, picking up the basket and holding it on the crook of her elbow, "Shall we depart?"
Bilbo did his best to give the Dwarrowdam an encouraging smile. "Sure, let's go see Princess Dís and... have tea and... gossip. With noble ladies. Should be... fun."
The walk to the salon was a silent affair with Lady Hafsa leading it while Bilbo followed behind her along with her guards and maids. They drew stares from the Dwarves they passed but Bilbo had expected as much and thus did his best to ignore them. Instead he tried his best to get a sense of where they were going and began to sketch out a mental map for future reference. If he was going to be in the palace more often than he needed to know where the hell he was.
The room they ended up in was large and brightly lit and decorated with numerous chairs and divans and low tables covered in teas and desserts. Sitting around enjoying these sweets were twelve Dwarrowdams dressed in luxurious gowns and sparkling jewelry. Sitting on an elevated platform behind them was Princess Dís—dressed in a black and white gown and covered in enough diamonds to cause massive blindness should she ever venture out under the sun—and when she saw him she gave him the same smile he imagined a snake would wear when it spotted a mouse.
At their entrance most of the Dwarrowdams rose up and gathered to greet Lady Hafsa in a flutter of Khuzdûl. Bilbo stood back with the guards and maids and watched as Lady Hafsa gave a stiff smile and greeted the ladies back. None of them paid him any mind which, while unusual considering the usual stares, was not unwanted. He was content to stay with the maids in the background but Lady Hafsa caught his eye and gave a small nod to her side. Reluctantly he wandered over to stand at her side as she took a seat in the center of a sea of silk, lace, and endless frills.
Time passed by achingly slowly as the Dwarrowdams around him chattered and giggled to one another in Khuzdûl. Bilbo entertained himself by trying to piece together what he could understand from the conversation, and when that grew dull, he turned his attention to studying the three ladies who had taken to conversing with Lady Hafsa on a more personal level.
All three looked older than his lady and all wore a ridiculous amount of jewels but boasted some impressive beards. Since he had no idea what their names were, he had mentally labeled each with a nickname according to their hair colors: Lady Rose, Lady Sunshine, and Lady Ebony. Out of the three he found Lady Ebony the most pleasant as whatever she said had Lady Hafsa smiling the most. Lady Sunshine came in second as she kept dotting on Lady Hafsa's clothes and jewels and thus also earned a few smiles from his lady. Only Lady Rose seemed to make Lady Hafsa frown and look away whenever she opened her mouth to say something in Khuzdûl.
Bilbo soon realized why.
"Your mother must be very proud to have a daughter marrying into the House of Durin," Lady Rose eventually commented in Westron, catching Bilbo off guard with the change in language. She slowly stirred her tea with a golden spoon and peered up at Lady Hafsa with a gleam to her green eyes that reminded Bilbo of a Man about to step on a small animal. "Who would ever have imagined that the daughter of a handmaiden would be the Lady of the Iron Hills?"
Bilbo raised his brows in surprise while Lady Hafsa went completely still. Handmaiden?
"Hnoss," hissed Lady Sunshine, her fair face heating up as she glared at her friend. "You go too far."
Lady Rose let out an obviously fake gasp and covered her mouth with a hand covered in rings. "Oh, do forgive me, my dear, I meant no offense. I just think it is very admirable that you were able to rise above your birthmother's lowly status to marry one of the noblest Dwarrows around. Truly a story for the ages!"
Around them, the other Dwarrowdams broke out in twittering giggles that made Bilbo's ears ache from the high pitch. He subtly reached up to rub one and glanced down to Lady Hafsa to see her reaction to the laughter. The young Dwarrowdam still sat straight and poised but there was now a stiffness to her smile and a faint tremble to her hands where they were buried in her lap. Her large eyes even looked glossy as if she was trying to hold back tears of humiliation.
Bilbo immediately scowled as rage sparked up within his chest. Before he could think too deeply about his actions, he stepped up to stand in front of Lady Hafsa in order to shield her from the malicious Dwarrowdams around her. Raising his chin high, he looked down at the redhead before him with his best impersonation of a haughty Elf.
"You go too far, milady," he said mildly as the voices around them began to lower in pitch. "There was no need for your insensitive words. Please apologize to my Lady Hafsa for insulting her and her birthmother."
Lady Rose gaped at him for a moment; eyes blown wide and her mouth hanging open unattractively so that Bilbo could see all of her teeth. Then the anger seemed to set in and a flush came to her freckled face as she shot up out of her seat; throwing down her delicate teacup and platter in a mess of tea and chipped porcelain. Then she moved towards Bilbo with one arm raised high above her head in a move he recognized far too well.
Bilbo saw the slap coming as soon as she got to her feet, and thus braced himself for the impact. His actions turned out to be wise as the left side of his face erupted into shocking pain that nearly threw him to the ground. He heard a multitude of gasps and cries echo around the room but ignored it all in favor of feeling out his cheek and jaw. All his teeth were accounted for, and though there was some blood from one of her rings slicing open his cheek, the wound itself was not deep. Again, he mentally patted himself on the back for having the sense to prepare himself for the slap. Though a lady of leisure, Lady Rose was still a Dwarrowdam, and therefore had the unnatural strength that all her people possessed.
"Lady Hnoss you overstep yourself!" scolded Lady Ebony, jumping to her feet in alarm.
Lady Rose—or Lady Hnoss now, as it seemed that was her real name—simply sneered as she set one hand on her hip. "Nonsense! I am completely within line of the rules of the palace!" she snapped, pointing at Bilbo, "This peasant is currently a servant to Lady Hafsa and therefore falls under the same rules as the rest of them!"
"But he's also a visitor to our city!" protested Lady Sunshine, holding her fan to her chest as if she was trying to calm her heart. "You can't expect him to know our ways—"
"Then his mistress should have educated him better!" interrupted Lady Hnoss, throwing her head back and making her red braids bounce about, "He's lucky that a slap is all he got from me! It is only out of the kindness of my heart that I do not call for my guards to drag him out and beat him for speaking to his betters in such a way!"
Bilbo rolled his eyes and gently nudged Lady Hafsa back into her seat when she attempted to rise to her feet. He met her stunned eyes and gave a quick wink to show that he was fine and did not need her interference. He knew exactly what Lady Hnoss was going for and he wasn't about to let her get her way.
"I will forgive him this once only because Lady Hafsa is still new here and still so very young," the redhead said in a self-righteous manner. "But it cannot happen again. Imagine if he mouthed off to someone like Lord Fundin—"
"Enough, Hnoss," ordered Princess Dís, still lounging on her divan and watching the scene with an ugly curl to her lips that made her look even more like her eldest brother. At the sound of her voice, all noise ceased, and the room seemed to drop in temperature. Even Lady Hnoss went silent and still as they all stared at the royal Dwarrowdam who finally sat up straight.
"You have made your point," the princess said, her cat eyes fixed unblinkingly on Bilbo. "Now sit down and shut up. Your voice is making my ears ring. Master Baggins, come here."
Bilbo wordlessly obeyed. When he got to her side, she gestured for him to kneel down in front of her, and once he did the conversation in the room started up once more as if some signal had been given off. Silently, Bilbo held still as the princess reached out and, to his surprise, cupped his jaw gently with one hand.
"Does it hurt?" she asked quietly, lightly prodding his cheek with her fingers. Her hand was soft and smooth in a way that only nobles were able to pull off.
"No, Your Highness, it just stings," he reassured, willingly tilting his head to the side as the princess tried to get a better look.
The Dwarrowdam made a rumbling noise in the back of her throat. "Hmm. I see she got you with one of her rings," she commented, and then shocked him again when she wiped away some of the blood with the sleeve of her gown. He never thought someone like Princess Dís could do something so... motherly.
"I will send you home with some cream to help with the swelling," she declared after another moment of silent inspection, finally releasing his jaw. "It will ease the bruising and keep the wound from leaving a scar."
Bilbo rolled his eyes as he got to his feet. "Thank you, Your Highness, but you don't need to. I am a healer and have quite a collection of scars already. This is hardly anything new."
For some reason, his words seemed to make Princess Dís's chilly eyes grow even chillier. "Do not argue with me on this. It is the least I can do for you after..." she trailed off and glanced at something over his head. Whatever it was, it made the corner of her red lips pull back into a snarl that reminded him of an angry bear. "There are rules set in place here that even Thorin cannot break without consequence. Hnoss was within her rights to slap you as you are employed under Lady Hafsa. But she did not have to make such a spectacle..."
"Your Highness, you don't have to explain it to me," the Hobbit said gently, feeling sympathetic to the simmering princess who clearly hated that she was powerless thanks to the customs of her own people. "I am very well acquainted with the rules of the serving class. I've been living under it all my life. A slap on the cheek is hardly anything to make a fuss over."
Princess Dís's snarl grew deeper. "Yet a fuss will be made on your behalf once Thorin hears of this," she stated, raising her head higher and tossing some of her hair over her shoulder, "Don't be surprised if he comes hunting for you later."
"I'll keep an eye out," he promised, wrinkling his nose at the thought, "But if possible, try to stop him beforehand. I'm sure he has more important things to do than berate me for being rude."
His words made the princess smile like he had told her an amusing joke. "My brother never wastes time on matters he does not deem important," she stated ambiguously before waving him away.
Princess Dís dismissed them all shortly after Lady Hnoss's tantrum with the excuse that she had other matters to see to. Bilbo was relieved and quickly hurried after Lady Hafsa, who seemed just as eager as him to escape the room. It was a tense trip and no one spoke until they were back in Lady Hafsa's chambers with the doors securely closed and locked.
"Unwise were your actions," Lady Hafsa said once her guard had turned the locks on the doors. She was fidgeting with her numerous bracelets and bangles as she paced around the room and smearing the paint off her lower lip as she bit it. "Most unwise. Reckoning will soon follow. I will need to inform my father..."
She trailed off and then abruptly turned around to face Bilbo with a frown. "Why did those words escape your mouth?" she demanded, a flush of color rising to her cheeks.
Bilbo shrugged one shoulder as he did his best to become one with the wall behind him. "She was being intentionally rude to you for no reason," he replied honestly. "I couldn't let that stand. Just because her rank is high doesn't give her the authority to be a bitch to others."
Lady Hafsa's eyes grew wide and her three guards seemed to freeze in place around them. Then, before Bilbo could apologize for his big mouth yet again, the Dwarrowdam broke out into a fit of giggles that reminded him of the twittering of birds. It made her face loosen up and relax until she finally looked like the young Dwarrowdam she really was.
"Y-You called her a-a—" she stuttered between her giggles, cupping a hand around her mouth.
Bilbo sheepishly scratched his nose. "Best not to repeat that word around others. I hate to have to explain to your father why you know it," he said, glancing at her bodyguards who all looked like they too wanted to laugh.
"Serkan us-uses fouler w-w-words," reassured Lady Hafsa, moving to sit on a settee while still trying to contain her giggles.
"Who is that?"
"The eldest of my brothers. He sat across from you at the luncheon," explained the Dwarrowdam as she peered up at Bilbo with what looked like brighter eyes.
Bilbo thought back to the luncheon and made a face that earned him a snort from one of the bodyguards. "Is that the one who insulted me?" he wondered out loud.
"No, that was Şevki, my fourth brother," Lady Hafsa clarified, gently shaking her head, "Serkan was the one who gave his apologies for Şevki's foolery."
"How many brothers do you have?" the Hobbit asked, deciding to venture away from the safety of his wall now that the Dwarrowdam was no longer pacing.
"Seven," Lady Hafsa calmly replied, and Bilbo nearly tripped on his own feet in shock.
"Seven?!" he squawked, gaping at the noble and then her guards in turn before back to Lady Hafsa, "Seven?! How is that even possible?! I thought Dwarves struggled to conceive?!"
Lady Hafsa nodded calmly. "We do. That is why in Orocarni a Dwarrow may take..." she trailed off with a frown and a small dent between her carefully groomed brows and looked up to her female guard. "I do not know the word for this. What would pass in Westron?"
"Concubine, Lady," replied the Dwarrowdam in a low, guttery voice.
"Concubine," repeated Lady Hafsa before flashing her guard a warm smile, "Gratitude, Asya. Yes, Dwarrows of Orocarni may have concubines to help their clan produce children. Father has three to bear his seed and a lady wife to raise them. Born to them were my brothers and I."
Bilbo nodded slowly as he took in the information. He had never heard of a kingdom that was so open and obvious about taking other lovers to bed. Hobbit marriages tended to be monogamous as were most kingdoms of Men, but he knew the Elves tended to take on new lovers over the years due to their long lifespan. He had assumed Dwarves to follow something similar to Hobbits but that clearly was no longer true.
"So... what that harpy said back there was true then?" he asked as he recalled the incident from earlier. "Your birth mother was a handmaiden?"
Lady Hafsa nodded again, looking completely unashamed. Bilbo was beginning to think it was not her origins that had embarrassed her among the Dwarrowdams from earlier, but simply the context in which they were said.
"Yes. She was a handmaiden of my `uhmad whom my father favored. She died after bringing me into this world," she explained calmly, gracefully folding her hands in her lap.
"I'm sorry."
"Do not be. I have a mother yet—Lady Hasibe, my father's wife," she reassured, her face softening with love and respect. "She is `Uhmad, the 'great mother' who reared my brothers and me from our very first breath. She is the only mother I have known and the only one I need."
Bilbo wrinkled his nose as he mentally took note of the new words. He was going to have to find another book to write down all the new information he was learning. "So then these concubines—they were fine with all of this? Giving up their children to be raised by another?" he asked.
"Of course. It is expected of them," Lady Hafsa said, looking surprised by his question.
"Do they ever see their children? Do they even want to?" he wondered, finding the idea of it all—having children just to give them away—rather odd.
"They are free to share in the company of their sons so long as they remember their place," Lady Hafsa reassured, pushing back a lock of hair that had slipped through her veil, "But they tend to keep to their own quarters."
There was an awkward pause between them for a moment as the two struggled to find a new topic. Finally Lady Hafsa cleared her throat and adopted a more serious manner.
"Gratitude for defending me to Lady Hnoss," she said, bowing her head slightly. "Your intentions were kind though your manner was not wise. But I can appreciate your sincerity."
Bilbo shrugged uncaringly. "Like I said, she had no right to be rude to you or your birthmother. She's probably just jealous because you're prettier and marrying one of the best Dwarves around."
Lady Hafsa gave him a strained smile. "I fear it is more complex than that," she said slowly, glancing at her female bodyguard before looking back to her folded hands. "Lady Hnoss has the means to... disturb things if she desires. Let us hope her anger has been appeased and she will leave things be."
Bilbo frowned as he digested the new information before another question suddenly dawned on him. "Um, I know this is probably late to ask," he began, digging his hands into his pockets, "but... do you want me to be here?"
Lady Hafsa looked at him in bafflement. "Why does that matter? You are bound by oath to my father are you not?"
"Yeeees," he agreed, dragging out the word as he considered how to reply. "But I did so without asking for your input at the time, and I realize now that was wrong of me. So I'm asking you now: do you want me here?"
Lady Hafsa considered him for a moment with a pensive look. "And if I said no?" she finally asked, tilting her head to the side slightly, "What would you purpose to do? Break the contract?"
"Well—yes," Bilbo replied, holding out his hands as if the answer should have been obvious. And while it was to him, he had come to understand that Dwarves took a bit longer when it came to seeing the obvious. "While I hate to break my word, your feelings are more important than a contract."
Lady Hafsa's eyes grew wide as she stared at him as if she was just seeing him for the first time. "I—I would like it if you stayed, Master Bilbo," she said, stumbling over her words and glancing to her female guard as if looking for guidance, "you are—you are good company."
Bilbo smiled as the knot of tension in his stomach finally dissolved. "Then I will."
Lady Hafsa dismissed him shortly after as she settled in to take her daily nap—sleeping for fun in the day was apparently a practice of nobles—and so Bilbo decided it was time to use his connections to the Royal Family to educate himself. With the help of Lady Hafsa's maids and the Royal Guards, he was able to track down the nearest prince which happened to be Kíli. He was training in the public grounds with a bow which surprised Bilbo greatly—he had never seen a Dwarf use a bow before.
"I didn't think Dwarves were allowed to use bows," he commented once Kíli had finished hitting all of his targets. To his surprise, the prince managed to hit nearly all of them on point.
Kíli jumped and spun around with a frown that melted quickly into a smile when he saw who it was. "Bilbo! What are you doing here?" he asked, setting down his bow on a nearby rack and then bounding over to Bilbo.
"Looking for you, actually," replied the healer, smiling as the prince patted him on the shoulder in greeting.
Kíli pointed a finger at himself. "Me? Why?"
"I need you to teach me the rules of the palace."
Kíli quickly jerked back as if Bilbo had just started spewing vomit. "What?! Why?!"
"Because I don't know them," he replied, giving the prince an annoyed look.
"Can't I teach you how to fight instead?" Kíli asked, obviously eyeing up the entrance behind Bilbo.
Bilbo rolled his eyes. "I know how to fight," he reassured, ignoring the look of disbelief the prince gave him. "What I don't know is how to conduct myself here in a manner that won't get Lady Hafsa in trouble."
"So you came to me for help?" Kíli said dubiously, cocking an eyebrow.
"You're a prince aren't you?" Bilbo retorted, bracing his hands his hips, "Look, I've been assigned as Lady Hafsa's newest helper so I kind of need to know how to survive here before someone bigger than a Dwarrowdam takes another whack at me."
Kíli's hesitance instantly turned into one of concern. "Someone hit you? Who?" he demanded, leaning closer to Bilbo's face while staring intently. When he finally noticed the swollen and wounded cheek, a dark scowl spread across his face like rumbling rain clouds on a lovely spring day.
Bilbo leaned back and waved an irrelevant hand at the prince. "It was just some noble who was being a bitch to Lady Hafsa so I told her to knock it off and she slapped me for it," he said quickly, trying to nip the concern before it could grow into something bigger. "Your mother stopped her before she did anything else so don't worry about it."
Kíli scowled harder until he looked like a mini version of Thorin. He continued to stare at the slice on Bilbo's cheek for another long moment before giving a firm nod. "Give me a moment," he said before he began to strip off his archery leathers.
"Does this mean you'll help me?" Bilbo asked, watching the prince strip down into his normal palace attire. Of course, for a prince, it was still an elaborate thing lined in gold but Bilbo was learning how to ignore these sorts of things now.
"Yes, but first tell me the name of the Dwarrowdam who hit you," the brunet ordered as he tossed all of his possessions onto a nearby table.
Bilbo shrugged one shoulder. "Don't remember," he said honestly. "She had red hair so I kept calling her Lady Rose in my head. Why do you need to know?"
"No reason. No reason at all," Kíli said airily before he snagged Bilbo's hand and tugged him along. He allowed the prince to drag him along like a toy and soon realized that they were heading to the familiar quarters of the Crown Prince. The guards there bowed when they saw Kíli and didn't even react when the prince threw open the doors without bothering to knock, and then proceeded to drag Bilbo in with him.
"Fíli! We are in need of your scholar skills!" he announced, kicking the doors shut behind them and marching over to where his brother sat in an adorning room.
Fíli looked up from a pile of documents he had been reading and narrowed his blue eyes. "Kíli, aren't you supposed to be helping Gimli with his training right now? Why is Bilbo here? And what happened to your face?" he demanded in quick succession, rising to his feet and stalking around his desk to meet them.
"Gimli ditched me to train with Dwalin," Kíli answered, tugging Bilbo to stand in front of him and therefore between him and his brother.
"I opened my big mouth and got smacked for it. No big deal," Bilbo replied, shrugging one shoulder.
Fíli's face said differently but before he could say anything, Bilbo reached up to push the prince's scowling mouth up into a smile. "Stop channeling Thorin, it's creepy," he ordered. "Everything is fine now, your mother was there and she took care of everything."
"Which means she's putting a hit out on someone right about now," translated Kíli with a knowing nod.
"She wouldn't—could she?"
"Of course she would. Have you met my mother?"
"Wait, I want to know more about this noble who hit you," Fíli interrupted, grabbing Bilbo's attention again. "What did you say to them?"
"Weeeel, I don't remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of 'knock it off, you're being rude' and it got her mad so she smacked me for 'speaking out against my betters' or some nonsense like that," Bilbo mused, tilting his head back in thought, "Not that the words really mattered. I knew she was going to blow up at me anyhow."
"How?" wondered Kíli.
"Because everyone there was speaking in Khuzdûl but she suddenly switched to Westron," Bilbo explained. "It was clearly because she wanted me to understand which means—"
"She was fishing for a reaction," Fíli finished with a scowl. He shared a look with Kíli that Bilbo didn't bother trying to understand—it was one of the sibling looks he always caught the 'Ri brothers passing—but Kíli did as he nodded and tugged Bilbo to sit in one of the overly stuffed chairs in front of Fíli's ridiculously large desk. Kíli then took a seat on the arm of the chair while Fíli hoisted himself up onto his desk and braced his elbows on his thighs.
"So you want to know the rules of the palace, huh? I don't think you have the time," the Crown Prince mused, rubbing the hem of his sleeve.
Bilbo raised his brows. "What do you mean?"
"I mean that there are five volumes on the rules and etiquette just for the palace alone," Fíli explained, holding up five fingers and then another three with his other hand, "then there are three on how to interact with the nobles who live in the palace, another one on the ones who visit, and then two more on how to behave during important events and ceremonies. And that just covers rules and etiquette—we haven't even addressed on how to dress, ranking between different servants, and how to address everyone depending on your own status."
Bilbo made a face of disgust and banged his head back against the chair. "Ugh, I don't have the time for all of that! Not to mention the energy to care! Why are you Dwarves so needlessly complicated?" he complained, glaring up at Kíli since he was easily in sight.
Kíli held up his hands innocently. "Don't look at me. I didn't write any of this garbage."
"We Dwarrows have long lives. We need to do something other than drink and fight," defended Fíli with a snobbish tilt to his head.
"Then learn to garden. It's very calming," Bilbo retorted, not in the mood to entertain such bullshit. "Is there any quicker way for me to learn all these rules? Or at least get an overview of the really important rules and protocols?"
"Well... I could ask Balin for help. He knows all the shortcuts to these sorts of things," Fíli mused, returning to rubbing his sleeve between his fingers, "Maybe he can put something together for you."
"Only if it's not too much trouble," Bilbo cautioned. "I don't want to inconvenience him."
"You won't," Fíli deadpanned. "Balin likes doing stuff like this. He thinks it's fun."
"He also likes to carve wooden dolls in the shape of a penis but we won't hold that against him," Kíli confided, leaning closer to Bilbo to whisper the words.
Bilbo leaned away as doubt began to rise in him. "Maybe I should've just gone to someone else for help..."
"Oh, it's almost time for tea," Fíli suddenly commented, looking at a water clock before turning back to the duo stuffed on the chair. "Bilbo would you like to join us for tea with our father?"
"That would be nice but I think I should return to Lady Hafsa's rooms," Bilbo admitted, also glancing at the clock and seeing that he was almost out of time.
"Nooo! Come have tea with us!" Kíli half-demanded and half-whined while grabbing Bilbo's hand and holding it tightly between both of his, "Papa will be so happy to see you! He was sad that you left the luncheon before he could speak to you."
The Hobbit winced. "Really? Sorry. It was rather rude of me to run away like that."
"No one was offended," Fíli began to reassure before pausing and shaking his head, "Well, no, some were offended but most of us understood why you left. That pasha wasn't very kind with his words."
"What does 'pasha' mean? Is that a title?" Bilbo wondered out loud.
"Mmm-hmm. It means 'lord' in Westron," explained Kíli, still keeping a death grip on Bilbo's hand.
"I don't think Lady Hafsa will mind much if you're late. Mother told me the only event she had to attend today was the one earlier with the Ladies of the Court," Fíli commented, watching his brother and the healer. "We also don't spend too much time drinking tea with Father as we all have a busy schedule."
"Not me. I get to do what I want most days," confided Kíli with a cheeky grin.
Fíli scowled and lightly kicked his younger sibling in the shin. "That's because I get stuck with all your work."
Kíli stuck out his tongue in retaliation. "No one made you be the Crown Prince. Uncle Thorin said you could refuse."
"And leave the kingdom in your hands? We'd all be dead within a season." Fíli scoffed, rolling his eyes and sliding off of his table, "Well, Bilbo, coming with us?"
Bilbo glanced at the hand still being held hostage by the prince before giving the other prince a dry look. "Do I have a choice?"
"Master Baggins! What a pleasant surprise!" Prince Vílin cooed—actually cooed like Bilbo was a baby chick or a baby hare—in greeting when they arrived. He didn't hesitate to back up his words with a hug that could have rivaled a bear in its strength.
Bilbo released a squeak "H-Hello, Prince V-Vílin," he gasped, trying to wiggle free from the Dwarf only to find it impossible. He was pretty sure he could feel his ribs cracking.
"Papa, you're strangling him," Fíli said in a bored tone as he swept past the two with Kíli.
Prince Vílin instantly released him and stepped back with a laugh. "Oh! My apologies! Sometimes my emotions get the better of me," he said brightly, keeping a hand on Bilbo's shoulder and guiding him to a table where an elaborate setup of tea and desserts awaited them.
"I'm so happy you get to join us today," Prince Vílin said with obvious sincerity, steering Bilbo into a seat between his sons before taking one himself. "I'm sorry about the lack of selections available; I'm afraid no one told me you were coming."
"It-it was a l-last mi-minute idea," Bilbo reassured, still trying to catch his breath and feel his side for any broken bones, "Your sons just invited me."
"Did Nan send her cinnamon cookies?" Kíli wondered, shifting through the plates and trays of desserts.
"No, but she sent the nutmeg ones!" cheered Fíli, lifting up a gold plate and scraping half of the cookies onto Bilbo's plate before stealing the rest for himself.
"Cheater," Kíli hissed, glaring at his smug brother.
"I'm still pleased to see you. What brings you to the palace today?" Prince Vílin asked Bilbo, seemingly oblivious to his sons' exchange.
"I'm working as Lady Hafsa's attendant at the moment," Bilbo explained, ducking his head as Kíli reached over him to nab a plate of plum tarts, "so I came to your sons for some help on learning the rules of the palace. But they told me it will take too long to be of any use."
Prince Vílin nodded regretfully as he poured Bilbo a cup of tea. "That's very true I'm afraid. It took me two seasons to learn them all and even longer to remember it all," he said, shaking his head.
"We told him we'll get Balin to help. He likes this sort of stuff," Kíli reassured, dumping some apple tarts onto Bilbo's plate before taking the remainders.
Prince Vílin beamed and looked close to patting his youngest son on the head. "What a great idea! Balin loves a good challenge. I'm sure he'll be able to think up something."
"In the mean time, you can ask us about anything you're still unsure of," added Fíli, nabbing an apple tart from his brother's plate before he could stab his hand with a fork.
"There is one thing I don't understand about this engagement," Bilbo admitted, sipping at his tea, "What exactly does the Iron Hill get out of a treaty with Orocarni?"
"They get access to the largest diamond mines in all the kingdoms," Kíli answered easily as he swiped the platter of marzipan before his brother could.
Bilbo nearly choked on his tea. "What? Are you serious?"
Kíli nodded; slicing the marzipan into halves and then handed over the biggest half to Bilbo's growing collection. "Yup, yup. Lady Hafsa's dowry is a set of diamond mines. That's why the Iron Lady has been pushing for the marriage."
"How did she ever get that as a dowry?" Bilbo demanded, looking to Prince Vílin for the answer as he was the only one not concentrating on winning the dessert conquest occurring across the table.
"King Ahmed promised it for her," Prince Vílin explained, tapping a finger against the rim of his tea cup, "Originally it was the dowry for his elder sister but she was killed in the takeover so the king gave it to the only other dam in their family—Hafsa."
Bilbo nodded slowly as he began to put the plot together in his mind. "So the Iron Hills want the diamond mines—"
"No, the Iron Lady wants the diamond mines," Fíli corrected, shaking his head, "Dáin could care less. He is more than smart enough to figure out another way of boosting his kingdom's wealth."
"Who is the Iron Lady? I keep hearing that name. Is she someone I should be afraid of?" the healer wondered, trying to recall where he had heard the name and failing.
"It's the nickname for Dáin's mother, Aslaug daughter of Asta," Fíli said while stealing all of Kíli's sugared almonds and transferring them to Bilbo's plate, "and she's called the Iron Lady because she is the most ruthless and intelligent Dwarrowdam you'll ever meet. Our mother even looks up to her."
"She's really scary," admitted Kíli with a shudder.
"She's also very powerful. She has the backing of the Ironfists Clan—they are the direct descendents of Hermóðr the Warrior and the strongest of the Clans here in Erebor," Fíli added, his mouth beginning to turn down into an ugly grimace. "Her father was the previous Head and now her cousin rules. He's pretty neutral in politics but he's fiercely loyal to his family and Aunt Aslaug is his elder cousin. He'll support her in anything even if he doesn't personally agree with her."
"So... does this mean that Dáin is just going along with this because he can't stand up against his mother?" Bilbo said slowly, still struggling to make sense of all the new information he had been given.
Fíli shrugged as he finished swallowing some of his tea. "Maybe? It's hard to say. Uncle Dáin is... complicated."
"Understatement," muttered Kíli.
"He seems nice to me," Bilbo defended, feeling oddly protective of his new friend. "He apologized to me yesterday for his behavior at the luncheon and asked if we could be friends. I agreed."
"Dáin has a good heart that is constantly at war with his fierce intelligence," Prince Vílin revealed with a smile that made the edges of his wild eyes go softer. "Vé says that it is an ongoing struggle for him to find a balance."
"Who is Vé?"
"My twin brother and bodyguard of Lord Dáin. It is actually through him that I met Dís," Prince Vílin explained, his smile growing larger.
"He used to complain to Papa about her bullying his precious lord. He's convinced she's the reincarnation of Morgoth," Fíli translated for Bilbo, rolling his eyes, "You can't imagine the horror he felt when she started courting Papa."
"They totally hate each other. It's great fun to watch them bitch and pick fights," added Kíli with glee as he started to demolish a small hill of prune tarts.
Bilbo wasn't too sure about that. All he was picturing was a mess of blood and bones. "Is he here too then? With Dáin?"
Prince Vílin nodded as he took a sip of his tea. "Yes. I'm sure you'll see him around the palace, following Dáin like a shadow. He takes his duties very seriously."
"He's like another mother hen," Kíli translated between bites before nudging the Hobbit with his elbow, "Bilbo, less talking and more eating please!"
"Kíli, leave him alone; he'll eat when he's ready," Prince Vílin ordered gently, giving his son a look that was about as threatening as a sleepy and disgruntled kitten.
"And what he doesn't finish he can just try next week when he comes back," Fíli added, dipping a cookie into his cup of tea and flashing Bilbo a grin that brought out his dimples.
Bilbo adopted a look of surprised. "Oh I'm coming back am I? I didn't know I made such a decision. When did I do so?"
"Would you really say no if I invited you to have tea with us every week?" retorted the Crown Prince, flashing him a cheeky smile.
"That depends on if you two are going to be there."
"Master Baggins, I would like it if you could join us for tea once a week," Prince Vílin admitted, smiling at Bilbo over the rim of his cup. It was a kind smile and it made Bilbo a bit uncomfortable with how open and welcoming it was. He wasn't used to having people he didn't know very well look at him like that.
"Well... maybe I can swing by a few times. If it's not too much trouble," he mumbled, finally picking up a tart and taking a bite.
Prince Vílin's smile grew larger as his sons began to fight over a bowel of grape pudding in front of him. "It would be no trouble at all," he reassured, and took another sip of his tea.
Holy shit! It's an update! Light the beacons, the story lives once more! XD
Lol, no but seriously, sorry for the (very) long wait, darlings. See, this chapter? This one right here? Was the hardest freaking thing I've had to write for this story since I started it. I've rewritten it about four times, deleted more scenes than I can remember, and I'm still not satisfied with it. But I can't spend any more time on it or else this story will never get done so we are moving on now into (hopefully) easier chapters to write.
I would like to also address the messages I get from worried readers that I've abandoned this story. Let me take this moment to reassure you all that this will never happen. I love writing this story—it's my stress reliever and secret pride and joy. I go back and reread it for my own amusement time and time again because I love it so much. I will never willingly stop writing it and will finish it one day. Just, you know, not today.
Also, I apologize for all the comments I have not replied to. I usually try to respond to every comment I get but I'm afraid I just let the last round get away from me. But this time I'm gonna stay on top of things and will reply to everyone!
Now since I'm on winter break at the moment, I'm gonna try to get out a new chapter every other day. So wish me luck!
Silver pup