to HPgirlKHfanGleek, Kurt wanted to understand what Finn did and why Finn tried to kill himself, so he used the device from Afesat to plunge himself into the world where -Finn- (the hallucination Finn) comes from and realised he didn't come from just another universe, he came from Finn's deep subconscious which is memories. :) so yes, you got the gist of it. Kurt's in Finn's memory stream, and just after he got out, he was hit by another bolt and into another memory stream. Which was Jean's memories.

to Carbon65, you're so awesome you broke the internet. omgosh. how obvious do i make it that i absolutely despise a pairing called Finchel (i sort of accidentally just ingested toxic perfume fumes aka i have this habit of opening a sweetener packet and i just did, and i have a habit of stirring in the packet after i'm done with throwing in the artificial concoction in my coffee and then i just lick the packet DONT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT and i forgot it was near my perfumes so i just licked a bout of cottonwood perfume. at least i have ceased having bad breath). ANYWAY. enough with my intoxicated body and the amount of carbohydrates surging through my skin, PEANUT BUTTER BALLS. i never had one of those. but i deeply am in love with peanut butter FFFFFF. some people say the associated the great source of fats and protein to meeeee. WHICH REMINDS ME. I HAD A JAR IN MY FRIDGE FOR LIKE A WEEK NOW AND I DIDNT TOUCH IT. maybe because its organic and not full of addictives so i get full off it fast and i cant eat the whole jar. and that was totally not my goal. i just wanted a good even field where you get to know a bit more about how faithful Sebastian is whilst not putting down Kurt's beliefs. (YOU SHOULD NOT HURT AT ALL). this is mindless drib drabble up until now. AND MY DAMAGED FINN. MY ABUSED FINN. I ALWAYS FIND A WAY TO TORTURE FINN IN STORIES THAT SHOULDNT EVEN HAVE FINN BECAUSE I CAN. my Finn is an oxymoron. i always liked being cruel.

current note; i'm awfully depressed because my college had to bump me down an ENTIRE FREAKING YEAR because i was one percent down the guidelines. i mean the minimum is 90%. i got a 89.41% WITH MY IB DIPLOMA. and the bastards are like "yup. you don't fit requirements. back a year you go." WTF so update to cheer me up as i write sad Blangst fanfics and listen to sad music, realising that A YEAR. AN ENTIRE YEAR. FOR A BIT MORE THAN HALF A PERCENT BELOW.

pre-written note before writing this chapter:I…I love this chapter. That's just nothing more to say. I loved writing it. I loved kind of sneaky copy/pasting things from other chapters. I loved everything about it. I'm quite proud of it to say the least. :'D MAYBE IN A FEW MORE CHAPTERS I CAN DRINK ALPRO SOYMILK RIGHT (current note: i drank all my soymilk. in three days.)

37 – déjà vu

"Are you going to leave him?"

Maybe he asked that question all the time. Kurt can't tell from where he stood, paralysed by being disgusted by the infidelity, and horrible amazed by the sheer beauty of the love, kind of bringing out the best in both of them. Elizabeth would shake her head, and then Jean's fingers would wander to her side, pressing his head against her shoulder.

"Nathalie's pregnant again," she said it as a statement. "Is it a girl again?"

There was no contempt in her voice, just pain. He shook his head. "A boy." He said, smiling, almost in pride. He loved his children, had to, but maybe that all changed when she was killed.

"Joe's baby's a boy too." Of course, all Kurt can see was an indecent amount of pudge. Maybe his Mother wasn't one that showed very well until the end. Kurt had seen the pictures. He can't even tell his Mother was pregnant until the third trimester, making him almost wish he was a girl, knowing his figure wouldn't be drastically altered. "Our baby's a boy too." She corrected breathlessly.

He kissed her again, but this one was even softer somewhat, more innocent. "Should I leave?" he asked, and there was some sort of hot pain in his eyes at the thought.

"Burt would be home in five hours. We have some time."

Jean nodded his head and then asked. "Why do you stay with him?" Kurt was wondering that too, as she chuckled.

"Because he's in love with me." She reminded him. Kurt can tell that too, from the pictures, from everything. "Because Kurt still sees him as his Father and I his Mother. Why do you still stay with Nathalie?"

"Because I didn't what was the difference between love and being in love."

Now, Kurt was snapped back to a completely different reality. Something he recognised. He recognised all of this. He was actually in a car Kurt had once recognised as Sebastian's. It took him a moment to note that Sebastian and Blaine were sitting beside each other. They were staring at each other. "I love you too, Bas," Blaine's voice would sound so much different than Kurt was used to, weak. "I'm just not in love with you…"

"Why!" Kurt wasn't expecting new, fresh hot tears to spring into Blaine's eyes, almost as if he wanted to be in love with him, to end his suffering. "I love you, Blaine. I fucking am in love with you. You're the only person I don't care if I cry in front of. The only one that I actually address with their first name. The only one I'd ever reach out to, okay? Okay, Blaine? That's how much you mean to me. You can't die. You can't die. Why don't you fucking love me?!"

Die? Kurt's heart was thudding. Die? It took a moment for Kurt to actually realise that they were both just holding onto each other now; crying like the world was fucking everything over.

"I love you."

Kurt's heart thudded at the acknowledgement. Sebastian was looking dangerously close to his Mother, vulnerable, in true and complete utter love that it hurt. It hurt because Blaine was looking at him in that apologetic look.

"Sebastian, please…"

Just like a lightning bolt, it flashed back to Jean and his Mother laughing on the couch. Her head pressed against her shoulder as Jean took a signature bite out of a chocolate square from the packet. His Mother had smacked his stomach. "Jean, you're getting awfully fat."

Actually, now, that Kurt was seeing it, the man was pudgy, with just a small amount of pudge. Kurt knew there was no way Jean had that right now. He didn't recall Jean's figure until now. He wasn't as thin as Sebastian but the man had a flat stomach to say the least. Jean was happy though, happy enough to not care about image or anything. That was the opposite of the Smythe family now Kurt had noted. It was all about appearance, about maintaining it.

Kurt suddenly recognised the movie. Cruel Intentions.

"I'm not particularly fond of that Valmont child."

"I am," Elizabeth would pitch in. She looked at the man, pausing the movie. Kurt must've guessed they've seen it a thousand times right now. "You're having a boy? If you love me, you'll call him Sebastian."

"I would never." Jean's eyes would twinkle in slight humour as he turned to look at the movie. Kurt's stomach would coil, because he did. Now, he felt very sick, knowing that his Mother of all people had given Sebastian his name. They would kiss and Kurt would feel sick. There was almost slight relief when it flashed back to Sebastian and Blaine. He didn't know if Fate was trying to make a point here, as he was staring at Sebastian staring back at Blaine.

"I want to kiss you now," Sebastian whispered to Blaine.

"No," Blaine's voice was even lower, somehow. "Bas, I'm gonna get you sick—"

The laughter that erupted from Sebastian's throat suddenly made Kurt want to throw him into a mental ward. "Don't you get it, you idiot?" there was that humour in Sebastian's eyes, dangerously close to his love-struck Father. "I'd die too, you know. If you died, I might as well be dead."

"Promise me, Sebastian. You won't do anything stupid if I die. Promise me!" Blaine's voice was so full of care and love, but not the type of love that Sebastian was looking for.

"I fucking can't, Blaine!" Kurt was shocked when Blaine had slapped Sebastian for his response. Blaine's soft sobs were uncontrollable by now, as he trembled, with those hot tears running down his face. Blaine was a complete mess by now.

"Don't you dare fucking say that," Blaine's voice was breathless, as he panted.

There was just silent afterwards. Kurt thought that he should look for something, almost like Finn did. He found just pain, loud and clear, so loud that it was like a scream in the deafening silence. "What would I do without you?" Sebastian's voice was soft, but it rung through Kurt's ears…then it must've pierced through Blaine's.

"Everything."

Kurt let out a breath he didn't know he was holding. Sebastian would say a joke that would make him laugh, but it sounded more like a dying man trying to find humour in his parting from the world. They would drive. Kurt was pretty sure now; they were like Finn, trying to find what they were looking for. Sebastian might hope that Blaine would find out that what he always wanted was Sebastian. The rain would pour. Sebastian wasn't looking for rain. Blaine seemed to be, staring out, a weak smile would widen. "What are yo so happy about?"

Blaine's smile would be so wide that it was like he was being given candy. "I like it when it rains."

"Oh, don't tell me you're the type to want someone to just dance with you and kiss you in the rain."

Kurt can suddenly remember saying that to Blaine once, and his eyes lighting at the thought, agreeing with them. He can almost feel the love again, but it was full of pain. "I am."

Flashing back to his Mother sitting on the bathroom, naked, and now, Kurt was trying not to look. His cheeks riddled with a blush. That wasn't something he wanted to see. The water was running in the bathroom, suggesting that Jean was in there. His Mother was staring down at her nails, maroon red. "Jean! Your clothing!" she exclaimed as Jean walked out of the bathroom and thankfully with a towel around his waist, as he picked off the business suit, ready to play appearance again with a pressed shirt and silver buttons.

Jean leaned down to kiss Elizabeth, and just as he was about to leave, he almost knocked over something, causing Kurt's Mother to lean down and try and not to cause the contents to spill. "Do you want to break my mug again, Jean?"

"You still use that piece of crap?" Jean was laughing though, as he took the clothing in his hands and was about to leave.

"You got this to me from Italy."

Kurt's stomach was hurting. That was why the mug was so important then. That was why it mattered to her so much, because of who it was from. "Jean, will you show me the world one day?" she asked in such an innocent matter as he nodded his head.

"I promise I'll show you the world."

Kurt didn't want to look at this anymore. These promises that Jean was feeding to Elizabeth, Elizabeth had been feeding to Kurt. He remembered very little of it, but he knew that she used to promise to take him around to see the world. He disappeared in the bathroom. He shut the door and the water started to run again. His Mother leaned back down and then Nathalie suddenly stepped from the window, making Elizabeth yelp. Nathalie put her hand around Elizabeth's mouth.

It took a while for Kurt to realise that she was pulling a knife out, but there were tears in Nathalie's eyes. She placed the knife back into her purse but then pulled out a bottle of pills from the drawer. Jean Smythe. It was written on the bottle. She threw the pills into her hand and with a trembling hand, had thrown back into Elizabeth's mouth what must be eight pills. She choked. Nathalie took the mug of coffee, making Elizabeth sip bit by bit. Elizabeth stared back at her, shoulders trembling.

"I forgive you." Elizabeth whispered, in some sort of way that made Kurt's heart clench in his chest.

Nathalie disappeared off quickly afterwards. His Mother had pulled out a knife out of drawer, and was toying with it. Kurt remembered this. He used to play with knives as a child, so they kept them safe. Now, Elizabeth was drawing droplets from herself. Jean stepped out from the bathroom, all dressed. His eyes were wide, as he threw himself at her. "Beth! Beth!" He was shaking her. She would drop the knife from her hand.

"Jean…"

"Promise me. Promise me you won't do anything stupid."

"Promise me, Sebastian. You won't do anything stupid if I die."

Jean just brought her close. "Promise me." She repeated, not wavering off the subject.

"Promise me!" Blaine's voice was so full of care and love, but not the type of love that Sebastian was looking for.

"I love you," Jean whispered. "I love you, but I can't promise you…but I'll try. I promise I'll try. By God…his name is Sebastian, isn't it?" she smiled. Elizabeth would throw up the pills though. Not all of them. Her liver would fail they'd realise later.

"I fucking can't, Blaine!"

Kurt was suddenly shaking. Jean was sobbing as he held her body. Useless. Futile. He knew it was. He'd known how potent his own antidepressants were. Kurt stepped backward, as Jean cupped Elizabeth's cheek. Kurt didn't fight for Blaine though. He wasn't even sure if he was in love with Blaine, but Blaine was almost certain he was in love with him. In love enough to let him go when he'd hurt him.

"I'd die too, you know. If you died, I might as well be dead."

"I will never take these blasted things ever again!" Jean threw the bottle of pills across the room. They won't smash, or crack. Some would just fall from the unscrewed lid. Jean's hot, fresh tears were still spilling from his eyes. He just looked angry right now, angry at the world.

It would flash back to Sebastian and Blaine. Somehow, they'd be standing in the rain – dancing in the rain – and Kurt would stare at them.

"I'll take the meds," Sebastian tried to calm Blaine down. "Blaine."

Their lips would meet. Kurt's heart was thudding with the body-jolting rain as the two kissed. Kurt watched Sebastian throw Blaine back at the back of the car, and then shutting it. Kurt peered, watching Sebastian unbutton Blaine's shirt.

Kurt chucked sadly, as tears filled his eyes. He would watch his so-called 'friend' and his 'boyfriend' make love underneath the beat of the shattering rain.

"He'll show you the world, Blainey. He'll show you the world."

current note: in four days, i've burned my fingers at least three times. by not properly using a kettle. FFFFFF

Look at the angst there. The Sebklaine angst. Gosh. It pains me to write it. :'o the amount of Kurt hurt here is lovely. ^_^ xo Peanut Butter/Sam