A/N This chapter is freaking long, but it's really important. Sorry for the delay. It's a three day weekend and I wanted tor relax for a full day before writing. The lack of reviews for this past chapter was kind of disappointing. I hope I get my readers/reviewers back now. This chapter is definitely more interesting. R/R, and enjoy!

After work the next day, Marissa decided to drive to Newport and check on Dawn. Ryan was busy with work and she had most of the afternoon to kill since school got out rather early. Besides, she needed to see with her own eyes that Dawn was okay. And if Dawn wasn't okay, she needed to be there to make things better.

As she neared Newport, Marissa became more and more worried. She hadn't told Dawn she was coming over so that she wouldn't have the chance to prepare herself. Marissa was honestly terrified, and flashes of memories walking into Ryan's house and seeing Dawn passed out on the couch blinked in her mind. It had hurt Ryan to watch his mom resort to alcoholism to deal with all her past problems. With everything going on now, he didn't need that again. Even if he didn't actually say as much.

Marissa's thoughts turned to her boyfriend. She missed him. She missed his smile. She missed his laugh. She missed kissing him. She missed making love to him. Did that make her a bad girlfriend? To just wish he would look at her every now and then? It had been a week and a half, but she felt like it had been so much longer.

She pushed the thoughts away as she reached Dawn's house. Turning off the car, she took in a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst. She would get through this, and she would help Dawn through the worst, whatever it was.

She opened the front door with her key – both she and Ryan had their own. "Dawn?" she called out, hesitating. She didn't hear anything in response, and her heart immediately started beating harder. She knew Dawn was home. Her car was outside. "Tramp?"

She listened closer, and heard Tramp's soft whines coming from the kitchen. She immediately made her way there, slightly gasping when she arrived. Dawn was on the floor, her hand bloody, broken glass surrounding her. Her cheeks were wet with tears, and her eyes were puffy. "Marissa."

"What happened?" Marissa asked, immediately grabbing the broom so she could sweep up the glass. Dawn was barefoot, and she didn't need to be stepping on any of the broken glass.

"I was doing dishes, and water got on the floor. I turned and I slipped and a glass fell…" Dawn's eyes were glazed over, and she was going into shock. "I…my hand…there was glass and…"

Marissa helped Dawn up, walking her over to the couch in the next room. "Here, you need to lay down." She helped Dawn do just that, putting some pillows under her feet to keep them elevated over the head. "I'm going to get the first aid kit and we'll look at your hand, okay? Is it still bleeding?"

Dawn blinked a few times, then looked at her hand, confused. "I um…"

"Don't worry about it. Just, relax, okay? I'm here." Marissa walked to the living room and grabbed the first aid kit, biting her lip the whole time. She was glad she was here. Dawn needed her. At least one Atwood did.

Marissa returned with the first aid kit, and sat on the coffee table as she looked at Dawn's hand. It was deep, but not deep enough that she needed stitches. Marissa tried to keep her face calm and her hands steady, but she felt overwhelmed right now. She didn't know what to do about the older woman. She couldn't make everything better, she realized.

"Are you feeling okay? Nauseous? In any pain?"

Dawn shook her head, still in a daze. "No. I think… I think I'm okay." She tried sitting up, but Marissa shook her head and carefully lowered her back down.

"Not yet. You're in shock, I think. You're really clammy. Do you want some blankets? Are you cold?" Marissa finished cleaning up the hand, and wrapped it in some cause, careful not to make it too tight.

Dawn shook her head. "No. I'm…fine." She looked down at her hand, then back at Marissa. "I really.. I didn't mean to do anything. I just…slipped."

Marissa nodded, not looking Dawn in the eyes. It made sense. The kitchen floor was wet near the sink. And the water had been running when Marissa went for the first aid kit – something she hadn't noticed before. The cut didn't look self-induced, and Marissa didn't think Dawn was really capable of intentionally hurting herself, though Ryan and Marissa had found her passed out and surrounded by glass bottles before with dried blood from where the falling bottles had cut her.

"You believe me, right?" Dawn asked, looking at Marissa seriously.

Marissa finished wrapping the hand, and finally looked at Dawn's face. Her color was slowly coming back, and her eyes weren't as glossed over. She looked worried for the first time, and Marissa felt relieved. This she could deal with. "Yeah. I believe you."

Dawn visibly relaxed, sighing in relief. Tramp jumped on top of her, which made her grunt from his weight. "Tramp," Marissa scolded, patting his fur.

He wagged his tail, nuzzling Dawn's injured hand with his nose. Dawn lifted it and scratched his ears, which relaxed him. "I'm fine, buddy," Dawn said softly.

Marissa observed the older woman more carefully now that she was feeling better. "I cleaned up most of the glass, but I'm going to sweep it one more time. You didn't step on any did you?"

Dawn shook her head. "Not that I know of." She observed Tramp, lifting his paws. "I think Tramp is okay, too. He tried to come over to me, I think…but he just kept whining because the glass was in the way."

"How long were you on the ground?" Marissa asked, studying Dawn very carefully. Not everything added up. Marissa believed that Dawn had slipped. She even believed that she had cut her hand as a result of that. But she wanted to know why Dawn looked so distraught when she found her. Dawn was a lot of things, but queasy wasn't one of them. Where Marissa's own mom had nearly fainted whenever Marissa scraped her knee, Dawn barely blinked when Ryan fell off his bike. Dawn had been beaten to a pulp before by her husband and countless boyfriends. She wasn't a stranger to pain.

"I don't know… five minutes? Maybe more?" Dawn rubbed her face with her uninjured hand. "I can't…remember."

Marissa bit her lip again, not wanting to ask but knowing she had to. "Dawn… why were you crying?" At Dawn's expression, Marissa explained. "You were obviously crying. And I…need to know why." She gave Dawn a serious look.

Dawn sighed, looking down at Tramp. "I…before I slipped…I was thinking of…Henry." Tears immediately began falling. "And I…I wasn't paying attention."

Marissa reached out and rested her hand on Dawn's. "It's okay. I just…are you okay?"

Dawn shook her head, letting out a sob. "No. No, I'm not." Marissa reached out and wrapped her arms around the older woman, and Dawn buried her face on Marissa's shoulder. "I miss him, Marissa. I miss him so much."

"I know," Marissa said softly, rubbing Dawn's back. "We all do."

Marissa let Dawn just cry for a while, her heart breaking once again for Dawn. She couldn't imagine losing Ryan like Dawn had lost Henry, and she had known Ryan far longer. The thought sent panic through her, but she reminded herself that she and Ryan were both healthy. She wouldn't be losing him anytime soon. They would live long lives together.

After a long time, Dawn finally pulled back, wiping her eyes. "Sorry…"

Marissa shook her head, squeezing Dawn's hand. "No, don't apologize. Gosh, you have every right to be a wreck right now." She smiled sadly. "Honestly, you were worrying me when you weren't crying."

Dawn laughed sadly. "I know. I just…for a few days it felt like he wasn't really gone. I told myself he was gone, but it didn't feel like he was gone. But when I was doing dishes, I thought of how we usually did dishes together, or he would do dishes because he said I deserved to be able to just come home and rest. And I remembered all the times I would dry dishes after he washed them, or I would watch him make dinner for me, and I smiled because I love him, you know?" She wiped away the tears that had started falling again. "But then I remembered that he isn't coming home, and we won't ever do dishes again. I turned to go calm myself because I couldn't really see anymore, but then I slipped. And I cried harder because I was all alone on the floor, my hand bleeding, one of my glasses broken… and it just hit me really hard that he's never coming home."

Marissa wiped away her own tears, unable to speak. Her throat burned with emotion. "Except you're not alone, Dawn." Dawn turned to Marissa, tears falling steadily. "You're never going to be alone. Not as long as Ryan is alive, and not as long as I'm alive. We're here for you." She squeezed Dawn's hand. "I know it's not the same, but I just want you to know that."

Dawn nodded, blinking away some of the tears. Finally, she smiled. "Thanks for coming to check in on me."

Marissa returned the smile, but her eyes remained sad. "You're welcome."

XXXXX

That night, Ryan came home close to eight. Marissa was already home and showered by this point, feeling a lot better than she had this morning. Now at least she knew where Dawn stood. She would visit more this week after school. She didn't mind making the trip. She didn't mind paying for all that gas. She would rather be there for Dawn and pay thousands of dollars than not be there for her.

"How was work?" Marissa asked from the couch, reading some of the "writings" her students had done that day. She had them write in journals every few days, and if they wanted her to read it they put it on her desk. If not, they just placed it back in the cabinet. Today, all her students had put them on her desk.

"Long," Ryan said, shrugging off his jacket before hanging it up. "How was class?"

"Good. The kids are really coming along. I see serious improvement, even if we're only a month into school." She lifted her eyes from the papers in front of her. "I went and saw your mom today."

Ryan furrowed his eyebrows. "You drove to Newport?"

She nodded. "Yeah. I was worried about her." She bit her lip, looking down. "She was in rough shape today, but I think she's a lot better now. I plan on going again tomorrow."

Ryan looked down at the ground, processing all of this. Finally, he nodded. "Okay. Um…thanks."

"She's important to me too," Marissa reminded him, studying her boyfriend. He looked tired, which made sense. She slept next to him, and she could tell he wasn't sleeping well. He was having nightmares, she could tell. But when he woke up, he wouldn't let her comfort him, and he wouldn't tell her what he was dreaming about.

"I know." And he did. "Well, I'm going to shower."

Marissa bit her lip harder. "Did you want.."

Ryan shook his head, not even letting her finish the question. "I just want to relax. Long day, and I know it's going to be another long one tomorrow."

Marissa nodded, looking down so he wouldn't see the rapidly forming tears. Except, he wouldn't see them anyway. That would require him to actually look her way. "Well, there's leftover pasta in the microwave."

"I already ate," Ryan called out from the bedroom.

When she heard the shower starting, she finally allowed herself to cry.

XXXXX

On Wednesday night, Ryan came home at eight. Marissa was watching rerunds of Friends on TV in the living room since they didn't have cable in their room. "You're home late," she commented, not looking at him. She didn't think she'd be able to hold it together if she did.

He took his jacket off, hanging it up in the same place he did every night. "Yeah. I got assigned to a new project today."

"That's really great, Ry," she said softly, proud of him for all he was accomplishing.

Hearing her call him that made him pause and look over at her, overcome with emotion. He saw her staring at the television, and he breathed out in relief. He didn't know what he'd do if she was looking at him and their eyes met. He might actually lose himself.

"Did you talk to mom today?"

"Yeah. Went to Newport to check in on her again. I think she's doing better. She was in a better place today than yesterday, at least." Marissa finally looked over at him, resting her head on the couch so she could observe him.

Now, he had already turned his attention back to himself. "That's good. I called her at lunch today. She seemed okay."

"Yeah. She just…misses Henry." Ryan walked to the kitchen to look for some food. He hadn't eaten at the office today like yesterday, but had stayed later. "Ryan?"

"Yeah?" he asked, opening the microwave to see a plate of spaghetti Marissa had left him. He almost wanted to thank her. But showing gratitude was showing emotion, and showing emotion would be letting down his guard.

And he couldn't do that. Ever.

"Do you miss Henry?" Marissa watched his body freeze, and she knew she had his attention. Whether he would talk to her was a different story.

Leaving the spaghetti in the microwave, Ryan started toward their bedroom. "I'm going to shower."

This time, Marissa didn't even bother asking if he wanted company.

XXXXX

On Thursday, Marissa had lunch with Summer. Summer liked to come visit Marissa at work, and the kids loved her too. "So, how's Atwood?" Summer asked, taking a sip of her water. "Seth says he has been calling, but Ryan doesn't ever want to hang out or talk."

Marissa sighed, playing with her food. "He won't talk to me. He won't touch me. He won't kiss me." She lifted her eyes to Summer's. "He won't even look at me most days."

"Why are you putting up with that?" Summer asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

Marissa shrugged, looking down again. "His dad just died. Sort of. And I don't want to be the bitchy girlfriend begging for his attention."

"Coop," Summer said forcefully, making Marissa look back up. "There's a difference between begging for attention and getting your boyfriend to actually acknowledge the fact that you exist. What he's going through is horrible, and we all want to be there for him." Summer screwed her water bottle shut. "But that doesn't give him the right to be an ass, which he is doing. There's a difference between grief and being a jerk."

Marissa sighed. "I don't know. I don't want to add anymore to his plate right now. With Henry's death and work…"

"Look, you're his girlfriend. You live with him." Summer gave her a look. "You know him best. But is this really okay?"

Marissa sighed again, avoiding Summer's eyes. "I miss him."

Summer nodded, leaning back in her chair. "Tell him that."

Marissa merely nodded, offering a weak smile. But she was afraid if she did tell Ryan that, it would push him further away.

"Thanks, Sum," Marissa said, even though Summer really hadn't helped. The only would who could help was Ryan, and he was so distant that sometimes she feared she'd never get him back.

"No problem, Coop. You have to be firm. Take me and Cohen for example." As Summer launched into a story about Seth, Marissa listened and laughed at all the right parts. But her heart wasn't in it.

She just missed her boyfriend.

XXXXX

Marissa left Ryan alone for the most part on Thursday night, but she figured she could surprise him at work on Friday. He was busy working so late, maybe she could catch him at lunch and they could talk. And if not talk, then at least she'd be spending more than a few minutes with him.

So, the minute she dropped her kids off in the cafeteria, she went to Ryan's office. Luckily, it wasn't very far, and she had half an hour with him before she needed to leave to get back to school in time. She smiled at the people in his office, and they smiled back. She'd been to his office numerous times before and everyone knew and loved her. She had that charm with people.

Knocking a few times, she smiled as she walked into his office. "Hey."

He looked up from some sketches, his eyes widening as he saw her. "Marissa. Hey…what are you doing here?"

"I brought lunch." She held up a bag of food and a drink carrier. "Burgers and fries. Hope that's okay. I didn't have a lot of time."

Ryan stood and rubbed the back of his neck. "I wish you had called…"

Marissa placed the food on a chair and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. "I wanted to surprise you." She pecked his lips, surprising him. Pulling away, she went back to the food. "I saw Tom on the way over here and he said you're just working, and I'm not interrupting any meetings or anything."

Even though it had just been a quick peck, Ryan's lips still burned from the contact. He blinked quickly, trying to rid himself of the feeling, but it wouldn't go away. He'd worked so hard these last two weeks to distance himself from Marissa, and now all he could think about was her lips. Her soft, warm lips.

"I'm actually really busy," he said, closing his eyes, trying his best to clear his mind.

Marissa tried to keep a smile on her face, but Ryan was very quickly making this seem like a stupid idea. "Well, you have to stop and eat for a few minutes sometime," she said, pulling out his food and handing it to him. "Look, I got your favorite." It annoyed her how desperate she sounded in that moment. She wanted to hate him for making her become this person, but she couldn't hate him. She couldn't hate him because he was hurting somewhere underneath that blank exterior.

Mostly, she couldn't hate him because she loved him.

"I was just going to eat a sandwich," Ryan said, opening his desk drawer and showing his brown bag.

"Well, that's no fun," Marissa said, handing him his drink now.

Ryan placed the food on his desk, probably a little harder than he should've. "I don't want to be a jerk, but I have a lot of work to do," Ryan said forcefully, his voice hard.

Marissa bit her lip, closing her eyes and willing the tears to remain hidden. "I've barely seen you all week," she said quietly, opening her eyes and looking at him, pleading him to look at her.

He looked down at his desk, at the designs he'd been working on. "I know. I've been busy."

Somehow, his lack of apology made it all more clear to her. He wasn't busy. He just didn't want her here. She closed her eyes again, fighting back the tears. Finally, she opened them again and grabbed the bag and her drink. "I'll see you at home."

She left without another word, and Ryan silently watched her go. The room felt empty without her, and he almost went after her and begged her to stay. He slowly sank into his chair, rubbing his face tiredly. He was always tired these days. He didn't know if it was burying his grief or hiding from Marissa that took more out of him, but he did know it had nothing to do with work.

He threw his brown bag back into his desk, his eyes catching sight of the black velvet box. Picking it up, he opened it, the diamonds sparkling from the light. It was a beautiful ring. Marissa would have loved it. Silently, he placed it back into his desk drawer where it would remain until he knew what to do with it.

Looking at the food Marissa had brought him, he felt a pang of guilt. She was only trying to be a good girlfriend. And she was. Marissa was a wonderful girlfriend, and a great best friend. She was just an amazing person in general. She had driven to visit his mom in Newport almost all week. She brought him lunch and just still tried to reach out to him despite all his distance. She loved him even though he didn't deserve it.

Pushing her away wasn't enough. Marissa would never be the one to end it with him. She wouldn't ever be the person to walk away.

In that moment, Ryan decided that he needed to be that person, then. For both of them.

XXXXX

That night, Ryan arrived home close to ten o'clock. Marissa sat up waiting in the living room, the television on only so she wasn't sitting alone in the dark. She couldn't lie to herself anymore. There was something really wrong with her relationship right now, and she needed to fix it. They both did. If they didn't, she didn't know what would happen. But she did know that something needed to be done.

When Ryan walked in through the door, she almost wanted to ask him if he was cheating on her. She knew it was an irrational fear – Ryan was too distant to be with anyone, not just her, and he would never cheat on her. She knew this. But, at the same time, it was ten o'clock on a Friday night and it was easy to jump to conclusions.

Ryan saw Marissa sitting on the couch, and inwardly sighed. She had waited up for him. She would always wait up for him. And it broke his heart because he knew he was slowly but surely breaking hers.

He loved her. He did. And that was the problem.

"It's ten," Marissa finally said, since neither of them had spoken in the few minutes since he walked in.

Ryan checked his watch, surprised. "I didn't realize it was that late." He stuffed his hands into his pockets. "I just got caught up in the designs."

Marissa stood, studying him very carefully. She knew he was telling the truth. She knew what he looked like when he lied. "I was worried."

"I'm sorry. I just…" He shrugged. "Got caught up. It happens. It'll probably happen again."

He tried to walk past her to get to the bedroom, but she wouldn't let him. She needed to talk to him. Or rather, she needed him to talk to her. "Ryan…"

"Can we do this some other time? I'm exhausted," he said, finally moving past her.

She closed her eyes, trying to find the courage within herself to bring this up. She hated being this person. She didn't want to be the girlfriend who made them discuss their relationship two weeks after his family had died. But she needed to fix this. Them. She couldn't take this anymore. She had grown up with Ryan and loved him since she was a little kid. She'd become accustomed to having him talk to her and laugh with her and if nothing else at least not be afraid to stay in the same room as her. Now that he wasn't here physically and emotionally, she couldn't stand it. Maybe the distance would be okay if she wasn't so used to him always being there.

"We can't do this anymore," she said, her voice sounding stronger than she felt.

Ryan stopped in his tracks, utterly surprised. "Do what?" he asked, not turning to look at her. They both stood with her backs to each other, both afraid of turning to face the reality.

"This." She finally turned, gesturing between them. "Us. We can't continue living in the same apartment and acting like complete strangers. We can't go on not talking. We're never going to work if you don't talk to me, Ryan. I don't want to be the girl who makes her boyfriend do something he doesn't want to do, but even we aren't strong enough to have a relationship like this much longer."

Ryan still hadn't turned. He looked down at the floor, his chest feeling heavy. This was it. This was his moment. The moment he'd known was coming had finally arrived.

"You're right," he said, reaching up to scratch his nose. And the two words meant everything to Marissa. She'd finally broken through his walls, and he agreed with her. He knew this was a problem. He was finally going to open up to her. He was going to talk to her. He was going to let her back in.

She was about to walk over to him and put her hand on his back, but her whole world stopped when he said, "We're never going to work."

"What?" she asked, her voice managing to sound smaller than she felt.

Ryan finally turned to her, staring at her blankly. He looked like he didn't care. He looked like he was over this, over them. But she couldn't see how much this was hurting him inside. "We're never going to work."

"Why…" She tried to find a question, but she couldn't.

"Because we're not right for each other. Not anymore." He shrugged, his hands deep in his pockets clenched in fists so he would hold it together. "I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to hurt you, but I think we should break up."

"You're lying," she said, narrowing her eyes at him. And she was pretty sure he was lying, though a part of her – a very large part of her – wondered whether he was actually lying or she wanted him to be. "I know you, Ryan. You're just hurt. You're hurting and you feel really sad because of Henry, so you're trying to push me away. But I'm not… I'm not going away, okay? I'm not going anywhere." And she couldn't keep the tears from falling anymore. Two tears – one for each of them.

She took a few steps toward him, trying to put her hands on his chest, but he stepped back just in time. "I'm not lying," he said, shaking his head. "I'm being perfectly honest. I think we should just break up."

She looked at him incredulously. "Okay, give me one reason why."

His eyes darted back and forth as he thought. "You want to get married. I don't."

She narrowed her eyes again. "What? I never said…"

He gave her a look. "You didn't have to say it out loud. It's all over your face every single time we go to a wedding. You want to get married. You want a wedding."

Marissa crossed her arms over her chest, feeling very defensive. "So what if I do want to get married, Ryan? Is it really so bad that I want to get married to the man I love?"

Ryan shook his head, taking a step closer to her before freezing. "No. It's not. I want you to get married, Marissa. You deserve to get married. You deserve to walk down the aisle in white with everyone looking at you. You deserve the vows and the happily ever after." He pursed his lips in a grim line. "You deserve all of it. I hope someday you have it. You'll meet a guy, and he'll give it to you."

It killed him inside to have to say this. To think of her with any other guy made him sick, and he wanted to throw up in that moment, but he couldn't back down. He had to push her away so far that she wouldn't come back. He couldn't deal with this anymore. He couldn't lose her fifty years down the line. He would rather sever their relationship now than go through that pain.

Marissa looked at Ryan very seriously, tilting her head. "Ryan, I don't want to get married to any other guy. I want to get married to you. I want to walk down the aisle toward you." Her voice broke. "I want a happily ever after with you. And if you don't want a wedding, that's fine. I don't need a ceremony to know I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I don't need a marriage certificate or a ring or vows or any of that. I just need you." She took a step closer to him, closing the gap between them by placing her hands on his shoulders. He looked away, unable to meet her gaze and keep his composure.

"Ryan, if you don't want to get married, that's fine. As long as I get to wake up next to you every morning and go to bed next to you every night. As long as we talk and we laugh and we spend time together. As long as I get to come home to you every night and know you're coming home to me." A few tears fell. "As long as I get to spend the rest of my life with you, a wedding doesn't matter. I don't need it, okay?"

Ryan swallowed hard, hardly able to keep himself from just wrapping his arms around her and kissing her hard. He wanted her so badly right now. He wanted to forget this whole stupid idea of his, and he almost did. He was so close to giving in.

But then his mom's screams from the funeral came back to him. The sound of the dirt hitting the wooden casket filled his ears. The sight of his mom crumpling under the weight of grief flashed before his eyes, and he couldn't get it out of his mind. He couldn't blink the pain away.

He didn't want to feel what his mom did. He didn't want to ever feel that kind of pain.

Swallowing hard again, he said, "But I don't want to spend my life with you."

Marissa's hands fell from his shoulder, and she blinked. "You…what?"

"I…don't want to spend my life with you. I'm sorry." He blinked too, trying to keep the emotion from his voice, but it was still there. He still couldn't stand the look on her face as he broke her heart.

"You're lying," she whispered, too weak and hurt to speak any louder. "You're just hurt because of Henry. It's just… you're afraid…" Ryan hated how much she knew him. Or, he wanted to. But he couldn't. He loved her too much. "You're just… Henry made you have to think…"

Ryan nodded. "I did have to think. I have been thinking. And it changed me, Marissa." He looked at her sadly. "If Henry hadn't died, who knows what would have happened. But he did die, and it changed me. It made me realize that I can't do this. I can't be with you. I don't want to be with you." Marissa opened her mouth to speak again, but he put the final nail in the coffin when he said, "I don't want to wake up next to you every morning and go to bed next to you every night. Not anymore. I don't want to be with you. I want to be alone."

Marissa took two steps back, feeling like she might faint. The whole world seemed like it was spinning, and she didn't know what to do to put it back. Ryan didn't want her anymore. Ryan didn't want to live a life with her anymore. Ryan wanted to live a life without her. No matter how she said it, it didn't stop hurting less. If anything, it just hurt more.

When Marissa didn't say anything, Ryan softly said, "I'm going to leave. I'll be back in the morning to get my stuff."

Before leaving, he observed her, and he knew he'd never forget the haunted look in her eyes as she stared down at the ground. He'd broken her. He'd broken the only girl who'd ever truly loved him deeply enough to put up with all of his problems, and he couldn't fix that. Not anymore. He was at the point of no return.

Without another word, he slipped past her and walked out the front door.

XXXXX

Ryan wound up at a bar. He didn't know how he got there, just walked aimlessly until he found somewhere that served a lot of alcohol. He ordered a shot of whiskey, downing it as soon as it arrived. Then, he ordered another.

A guy on a barstool next to him said, "You look like shit, friend."

Ryan didn't even glance his way. "I feel like shit."

Ryan drank. And he drank. And he drank. Trying to numb the hurt in his chest. Trying to erase the look of Marissa's haunted, hurt eyes from his mind. Trying to somehow turn his off kilter world back on its axis.

He drank until everything seemed so silly to him. Why had he broken up with Marissa? Why had he thought the only way to save himself was by hurting them both? Had he really thought all of this through? Was he really so stupid to push away the only regularly good thing in his life?

After the bar closed, he staggered around to an ihop where he ordered coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. But nothing helped. Nothing set his mind straight. If anything, the caffeine combined with the excessive alcohol just made him feel worse. Worse was the thought that the only thing that could make him feel better was probably Marissa. But he'd broken her.

At five that morning, he finally staggered back to the apartment. He'd talk to her. He'd see how she was and maybe something would be salvageable. In his drunken haze, he just wanted to be around Marissa.

But when he opened the front door, he immediately noticed the apartment seemed different. Stumbling to the bedroom, he saw that the bed was still perfectly made. He nearly fell as he stumbled to the dresser, and did collapse when he saw all of Marissa's belongings were gone. He'd really succeeded. She was really gone. For good.

Somehow that thought sobered him. This was what he had wanted. He'd wanted to push Marissa away. He'd wanted to be alone. The thought that he'd succeeded didn't bring him any happiness. If anything, he just felt worse.

He slowly lifted himself off the floor, managing to get himself onto the edge of the bed. Blinking a few times, he realized Marissa had left a note.

Ryan,

You can keep the apartment. You can keep the furniture and everything. I'm just taking my clothes and a few personal things. You can have the rest. I'm going to stay with Seth and Summer until I find my own place. They'll be by tomorrow to pick up a few more things once I get settled. I'm leaving my key on the kitchen table.

Marissa

After reading the letter twice over, Ryan blinked, tears filling his eyes in his drunken stupor. He'd always been more emotional when he drank. He'd just never been this drunk.

He'd lost everyone. His dad. Trey. Henry. His mom to her grief. And now Marissa.

Ryan Atwood was completely and totally alone.

With that final thought, he finally passed out.

XXXXX

And so the rest of the story begins.

Also, I wrote a oneshot called Stars. It's short. You should check it out.

Individual replies:

Riss: Yeah, the website was being stupid last week. Sigh. Hope you enjoyed this. Even though you already knew what was coming.

Sara: I kind of want to get across that Dawn is a mother before she was a wife, and she's come a long way since her alcoholic days.

Skillz37: Well, Ryan being an ass isn't going to be an issue for a while. But he will definitely suffer.

Jen: Lots and lots of angst :)

Nadine: Even though Marissa didn't leave Ryan, he will definitely realize what he's lost as time goes on. It just may take him a while to fully admit how much he wants and needs Marissa in his life. And Marissa's own actions towards the end of part two will definitely nudge him.

Sailaway: Spoiler alert: Dawn will not return to alcoholism. Though she may be tempted.