Chapter Thirty-Eight – This Line's Mostly Filler

Craig looked around the now almost full kitchen table, pairs of curious eyes looking at him. He almost felt like some kind of experiment. All of them looking at him, wondering what he was going to do next. He glanced towards Steph, she smiled slightly before averting her eyes back to her cup of tea. Darren was sat next to her, he didn't have his usual taking the piss hat on today, he was actually being fairly helpful to Frankie, making everyone a drink and making sure she was okay. Jack was still pottering around in the kitchen and his Mum sat be his side. Eventually she told Jack to stop fussing and just to sit down. That only left one empty chair. Craig almost hoped that it would remain empty for the duration of the conversation they were all about to have, but Craig would never be that lucky.

He heard the door open behind him, and a low grunt soon followed. He wasn't entirely sure why his Mum had been so insistent on them all sitting down like this, or even why he had agreed to it. But then he had seen the look in her eyes when he had asked her if he could come back home. He had been expecting her to want an explanation, but all he got was a smile, and a simple yes as an answer. He had seen the happiness in her eyes, and the least he could do now was endure this for her.

"What are we doing here Mum?" Jake sat down in his chair, acknowledging no one else at the table, not even looking at his Mum when he asked just staring off away from them all.

"We are here Jake, because this family has some talking to do. Actually, I have some talking to do. So first of all, you are going to look at me..." The tone in her voice changed immediately at that moment, the comment had been directed at Jake, but the way in which the words had been spoken caused everyone to look at her "... and then you are going to listen to every single thing I have to say"

Jake reluctantly moved in his chair. His body now facing everyone at the table.

"We have all been through a lot. The last month has been hard on all of us. Perhaps even the last year has been harder on some of us than others"

Even as Craig stared down onto the table, he could feels his Mum's eyes on him as she spoke those words.

"Craig is moving back in..." Frankie seemed to anticipate a reaction from Jake, but she was too quick to respond before he could. "Before anyone says anything objecting to it. I don't care. He is moving back in and that decision is final. I haven't been there for Craig the way I should have been. None of us have. But especially for me, I think I'll always feel the worst for that. I let my own fears and prejudices get in the way, and I hope that one day Craig can forgive me for that"

A silence seemed to fall over the table for a while. Craig took in every word she had said. He couldn't help but feel a certain amount of guilt. He hadn't exactly always done the right thing in this situation, he didn't want her taking all the blame for it.

"Craig..." He looked up at the sound of Steph's uncharacteristically quiet voice " You know I don't care. You're my brother. It's just all been a bit crazy recently. I should have been there for you more..."

Craig shook his head "Listen you guys, you don't have to apologise. I haven't exactly been the good guy in this situation. I shut you out a lot. I can see that now. I don't want to dwell on all the stuff in the past okay? I think we all just need to move on"

He felt his Mum take hold of his hand, and saw Steph and Darren smiling back at him, he could swear that Darren was holding back bursting into fits of laughter. Then he heard a loud clapping sound, followed by a small bitter laugh.

"What a wonderful performance. Especially you Craig..." Heavy sarcasm hung on every word Jake spoke. "I figured eventually you'd get everyone wrapped around your finger again. You are after all the favourite. You can do no wrong. You can just walk out on your family whenever you feel like and then get welcomed back with open arms. You can announce to us that you're a dirty queer, and still look at you..."

"Jake that's enough"

"No Jack. I don't think it is enough. You lot might be okay with having him back in this house. But I certainly am not. Why are you even back eh Craig? You're pervert of a boyfriend kick you out?"

Craig stood up quickly out of his chair "Don't you dare talk about Tom, you don't even know him"

"Oh believe me I don't want to know him. All of this is his fault, if you hadn't met him you'd still be normal...."

Craig couldn't help but laugh "Is that really what you think? I mean are you actually that stupid? Jake, I'm gay. It's not because I met Tom, its not because I one day woke up and chose to be, I just am. It's part of who I am. All the yelling and the snide comments are never going to change that"

"You can't tell me that if you had never met him we would be sitting here like this now..."

"Perhaps not. But if I hadn't met him, you would be sitting here with a brother who was miserable. Suppressing who they really are. Would you have been okay with that? Knowing that you could be happy and safe in your little bubble, but that I would have been miserable?"

"I'd rather have that, than you... being like this"

"You can't even say it can you?" Craig looked closely at Jake, whose eyes looked anywhere but meeting his. "So where does this leave us Jake? I'm still your brother"

Jake stood up from his seat now, the table separating the two of them seemed to be growing wider and wider with each glance he threw he Craig's direction. "No you aren't. I don't have a brother"

Craig didn't take in anything else that happened after that. He knew Jake had left and Steph had run out after him. He felt his Mum reach for his hand, but he only pulled it away. He really had thought that someday Jake would get over this. Everyone else had managed to, why was it really such a hard thing to do? He was still the same person. No different than before. Why couldn't he just accept him for who he was.

He moved away from the table ignoring the calls from his Mum and Jack. He couldn't stand to look at them now. He knew they were trying, and it meant more to him than he was sure they realised. But Jake with just a few words had managed to knock him out of the state of being back home. He had felt sick the whole way walking round to see his Mum. He had been to see her most days as she recovered. Constant comments from her suggesting he came home, and even though he knew she wanted him to. Still that day he had a fear inside him that she would turn him away.

But when she hadn't and Jack had smiled, welcoming him back, he felt accepted. Part of a family that he had been missing for so long. He never expected Jake to be easy, in fact it had been the one thing he dreaded more than anything, but he hadn't been expecting that. He didn't even realise it as he reached his room, but he had pulled out his phone and was dialling Tom's number. He stopped in the middle of his room, looking down at the number, the one he knew off by heart, the person who he knew would know what to say to him right now. Then the slow realisation dawned on him. He threw the phone onto his bed and immediately fell to his knees.

No one had dared speak to him the few days after Tom left. He stayed at the flat for a few days, building up the courage before he came back. Jasmine had never once bothered him, she let him wander around the flat. He rarely left his room. He couldn't help but feel the lose of Tom's presence it hit him harder than he ever could have imagined. Especially now at moments like this, the moments when he had let his mind wander to John Paul, he would think about calling him, then the excruciating pain of realising nothing had been resolved, and he didn't know what he could do to fix it, or even where to begin.

He heard his door open behind him, and he scrambled to his knees, moving quickly across the room to the window. He knew it would be his Mum. But he didn't want her to see him like this, sure she had welcomed it back. But she didn't need to know how much he had screwed everything else up.

He felt her hand rest on his shoulder. "He'll come round Craig. He just needs some time"

Craig sighed heavily "His had time Mum. You heard what he said. I think his minds pretty made up"

"Perhaps" He felt the hand leave his shoulder and heard a small sigh.

"I've messed up Mum. And I don't know how to fix it"

Craig turned round to see his Mum sitting on the end of his bed "I'm guessing that has something to do with the reason you came home. Did you and Tom break up?"

Craig could hear in her voice that she was really trying, that she wanted to know what was going on in his life. He moved across the room and sat by her side. "Me and Tom broke up a while ago. And he left a few days ago. And it's my fault. I hurt my best friend and now his gone and its all my fault. And I miss him. And the other one person I had, who I actually thought could get me through all of that, I pushed away. I told him that it wasn't enough, when it is. It really is. Anything with him is enough if it means I get to be with him"

"This is another boy..."

"John Paul"

"Craig, let me give you some advice, after years of experience. One day you'll realise, that the best things you have in your life are the things that you really didn't work that hard to get. The things that just come naturally to you, the things that make sense in amongst anything else that's going on. Not everything has to be that hard. Especially not love"

"Exactly. It shouldn't be that hard. What do you do if you love someone, and you think that maybe they feel the same way, but they can't say it, and they can't promise you that they'll ever be able to, that they'll ever be able to tell anyone else how they really feel. Would you just carry on? Happy in what you have, always in the back of your mind hoping for more..."

His Mum sat in silence, still staring back at him. He wanted to believe her, that things like love came easy, but why did he feel like he was always fighting so hard to keep it? Like he had with Tom, who wasn't here now. Who he wanted to speak to now more than anything, but he couldn't call and have him make everything okay. John Paul who he couldn't even imagine his life without now, still constantly pushing him away, he needed him right now, but why was he always the one going to him, comforting him?

"You can't help me with this one can you?" He turned his face and smiled slightly at his Mum. Her expression said it all, a look that said she wished she could. He could see her open her mouth to speak, but stopping quickly, almost like she realised she was going to say the wrong thing. Instead she stood up slowly and walked towards the door.

"You'll be okay Craig. Sometimes it just takes a moment of clarity for everything to make sense, or say something happening that makes you realise just how precious the things you have in your life are. It must all seem very hard right now, but these things they have a way of working out. One day you won't miss Tom as much, maybe even your stubborn brother will realise how he is acting, and perhaps even that boy of yours will realise what you've known all along"

Craig sighed, he wanted to believe her. He wanted to be able to share her out look that she seemed to have now. So much faith that everything would work out. But he couldn't see past any of it. He couldn't see past Tom leaving, that he hadn't spoken to John Paul for days, that Jake still couldn't stand to look at him. He heard the door open and his Mum moved to step out "You don't have to go... I don't mean to..."

She smiled softly back at him "I think you need some time, and I should get down and help Jack"

Craig shook his head laughing, she hadn't changed completely. Even when she should be taking it easy, she was still helping everyone else. "Shouldn't you be resting?"

"You know me Craig..."

"Yeah, I do"