Chapter 37: Holding It Together

The house was quiet.

Klaus had left, surprisingly keeping his end of the bargain, regardless. Caroline was busying herself by cleaning. It was what she did in a crisis and the only thing that could she could offer.. Elena had urged Jeremy to go home, and rest. Jenna had called several times worried about both of them, and she honestly didn't want Jeremy involved in all of this anyway.

Elena paced the floor nervously. "It's been hours…" she stated the obvious to the room, biting her thumbnail. " I'm worried; what if something's wrong?"

"He needs time, Elena." Bonnie offered gently.

She shook her head. "I don't know what to do, Bonnie. Do I go after him, and-and be there for him? Or do I just sit and wait for him to come back? How do I help him, Bonnie?"

Bonnie canted her head to the side as she observed her friend, a wreck, her heart breaking for the love of her life and his loss. "When you're parents died…what did you need? How did you want people to treat you?"

The question surprised her, and she didn't know how to answer. "I don't know; it took me so long to just…process everything. I just-" Realization hit her. "I just wanted to be alone."

The witch nodded. "He lost his brother. Stefan. This isn't a just a friend or a pet…Stefan has been his brother for over a century. Right now, there's not a lot you can do. But when he comes back…you need to make sure he feels that pain; everyday." When she saw the horror on Elena's face, she reiterated. "Pain, anger, sadness; just some kind of emotion, because Damon without his humanity…" she shook her head not wanting to think about it.

Elena sank into the chair beside Bonnie. "Damon's love for me is what changed him. But if he turns it off…"

"Any love he's had for you or anyone will be gone too." The witch finished for her. Bonnie took her friend's hand in hers and held them tight. "I care about Damon too. I will do whatever it takes to help him get through it, okay? You don't have to do this alone,"

"Me too." Caroline stood in the doorway, still wearing the yellow rubber gloves. She pulled them off, tossing them on the coffee table before joining her friends on the couch. "Damon believed in me…he's my friend. We have to let him know that he still has us."

They shared a sad smile with each other, hoping that when Damon came back…he was still Damon.

…

Elena woke up, uncomfortably cuddled on the long couch with her friends. She stretched, getting up careful not to wake them. She rubbed her arms to get rid of the slight chill and shuffled into the kitchen. The scent of strong brewed coffee filtered through the air when she stepped over the threshold. He heart leaped when she saw Damon sitting at the table, his back to her.

"Just made a fresh pot." He stated plainly, not acknowledging her in any other way.

She cautiously walked over, and sat in the chair across from him, trying to catch his eyes, but he seemed to be looking right through her. Elena opened her mouth, but stopped unsure of what to say. Asking him if he was okay was stupid, because he obviously wasn't. But she also didn't want to overcrowd and bombard him with questions she really wanted the answers to, like; 'Did you turn off your humanity?' and 'Did you kill anyone last night?'

As if reading her mind Damon spoke up. "I'm fine Elena…I didn't lash out and go on a killing spree. My humanity is insufferably intact." It was then that his blue eyes seemed to lock down on hers. "Although, there was one moment…" He trailed off, letting it hang in the air.

The intensity in them was almost too much for her and she had to avert her eyes. She busied her hands by linking and unlinking them on the table in front of her. "I know you're not fine…and that's okay, it's okay to feel. You've come so far, just don't give up." She reached out for his hands but he pulled them back.

"I feel, Elena…and it sucks. What sucks more is that I couldn't stop it, I saw it coming and I didn't stop it. I wasn't quick enough." Damon's jaw was so tense she thought it would break at his force.

A sigh came over her as she realized what this was. "You feel guilty."

His eyes narrowed, and her stood slowly, placing his hands firmly on the wooden table. "That would be human of me, wouldn't it, Elena and I'm not human. And don't talk to me about giving up. All you've done is give up!" Each word came out of his mouth like a slap to the face.

She had to stand in defensiveness, feeling too small. "That's not fair, Damon and you know it!" She pointed to herself. "I made sacrifices…yes. I put myself in danger a hundred times…yes! But I never did it because I gave up; I did it for you, and my friends and the people I care about!" Even as the words came out of her mouth, her mind flashed images of Klaus. "There was this moment...when I just stopped fighting her. And it haunts me, because in that moment...I let Damon down. I gave up."

Damon rolled his eyes. "Oh here we go! Let's play the martyr card again, shall we? Is that your go-to now to justify all the stupid life-threatening choices you make?" He pushed out his chair making a loud scrapping noise on the floor, and walked over to the cabinet about the sink that held the booze. He cracked the lid of a fresh bottle of bourbon and drank deep.

Elena scoffed. "As opposed to your 'go to'?" She gestured to him, slamming back half the liquid inside. "Drowning yourself at the bottom of a bottle? Very unpredictable."

"What do you expect me to do, Elena? Lock myself up in my room and cry while I go through his journals and reminisce about all the ways I've failed my brother?" The veins in his face and neck bulged in anger. "I was supposed to be there for him; even if I didn't believe that Katherine was good for him, he loved her so I was supposed to support him and be there for him but instead I killed her! I killed her because of-" He stopped suddenly, biting his tongue.

"Because of what? Come on Damon, don't stop now." Elena walked around, standing in from of him and getting in his face challengingly. "Because of me, right? Is that what you were going to say?"

"Yes…because of you." He whispered. His tone was spiteful and regretful all at once.

She reeled back in shock. Elena figured he would back track or apologize for even saying it. "That's great Damon…blame it all on me." She shook her head and headed for the door, but he grabbed her arm. "Let go of me."

"Elena…" he canted his head in a way that said he was sorry.

"Don't." She didn't look him in the eyes. "I'm gonna go." She pulled her arm out of his grasp. She made it to the doorway but Damon blurred in front of her. "What?"

"Maybe you shouldn't come back for a while. Clearly we're not good for each other right now." He stared her down almost coldly, but she could tell he was fighting the thing inside him that told him to let her in.

"Maybe you're right." She pushed passed him tried to keep the tears at bay why she walked into the parlor to grab her bag. Caroline was sitting up on the couch, obviously having heard everything. She stood mindful of Bonnie still sleeping, and hugged her friend with a sympathetic look.

"I'm sorry." The blonde pulled back and held Elena by the shoulders. "Are you okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah I guess…I'm gonna go home." She glanced over her shoulder. "Keep an eye on him for me?"

Caroline nodded. "Of course." Elena grabbed her purse and rushed out the front door before another tear could fall. Caroline sped into the kitchen and stared Damon down. "Seriously?"

"Not you too. Can't a guy just drink in peace?" More than half the bottle was empty, and he was already thinking about opening another one.

"I get it Damon…I do. But taking this out on Elena? You know that's not fair. She has done nothing but be here for you." She crossed her arms and cocked her hip.

"Listen Caroline, I do not need a lecture about something that is none of your business." He didn't acknowledge her with a glance as he spoke; he continued to look out the kitchen window, watching as Elena pulled out of the driveway.

The blonde crossed the floor to stand beside him. "She's only trying to help." Her tone turned to a gentler one.

Damon emptied the rest of the bottle into his mouth. "Well, maybe I don't want it."

"Don't push her away, Damon. She loves you; she just wants to be there for you."

Damon turned his head to look at her finally, pain and intensity flashing in his eyes. "My brother died Caroline. He's dead. I know that she wants to be there for me, and I love her too, but right now...I can't." He choked on the raw emotion that suddenly welled in his throat; but the pain turned to into a passionate rage as he continued. "There is nothing I want more than to go on a murder binge and tear apart everything that gets in my way...I am barely holding myself together, Caroline. Elena wants to talk about what happened; she wants me to feel things. But thinking about Stefan...only makes me more furious."

Caroline worried about her friend. She had never seen him this distraught; broken. She didn't know what to say and she had no idea what to do. She offered him the bit of comfort she could without overcrowding him. She placed her hand over his, where it sat on the kitchen counter, tensed. "We're here when you're ready." She nodded, offering his a sad watery smile.

Damon swallowed around the lump in his throat, and nodded back before leaving the kitchen and heading back to his room. Caroline heard the shower turn on, and shortly after the sound of stone and tile breaking.

...