a/n: we're into some angsty moments but have faith.

Chapter 38

Patrick sighed as the plane landed in Washington. He had been sick to his stomach at the airport and once on the plane. He had no plan for what he was going to do – for how he was going to tell Nathalie that her husband had lied to her for the last year of his life before killing himself. Not for the first time since leaving Port Charles he wished he had taken Robin up on her offer to come with him. He could use an injection of her ever-present courage.

He had considered calling Nathalie before leaving Port Charles but was afraid that he would lose his nerve was he heard her voice on the phone. He had no baggage to collect and headed straight to the rental car counter. Driving to Nathalie's house he tried to pull his thoughts together and come up with some semblance of coherence but nothing would come. Winging it was going to be his only option.

Pulling into the driveway, he briefly thought about turning the car around and getting back on the plane to Robin's waiting arms. He put his head down on the steering wheel.

"Fuck you Andrew – I will never forgive you for this"

He pulled the keys from the ignition and walking to the door, rang the bell. He couldn't help but smile as Grace came bounding down the hallway. She screamed happily when she saw Patrick at the door.

"Mommy!! Mommy!! It's Patty!"

Nathalie came to the door looking surprised. "Patrick?"

"Hey" he said smiling sheepishly. "Yet again I appear without calling."

"Come on in" she said opening the door to him. Patrick had just walked through when Grace jumped in his arms.

"Do you love me Patty?"

He kissed her cheek. "Of course I do Gracie- do you love me?"

"Yes"

"How much?"

"Bigger than the ocean"

"Wow, that's a lot of love" he said kissing her cheek again.

"That's because you're handsome."

Patrick laughed and set her down but she wouldn't let go of his hand. He gave Nathalie a look.

"It's a new thing" she said "She is clinging to any important man in her life. When my father came for a visit she tried to follow him into the washroom."

"Ah" he said walking hand in hand with her to the back room.

"What brings you by?" Nathalie asked curiously.

"Just felt like a visit"

"Did you mess things up with Robin again?"

Patrick laughed. "Actually everything is going really well there. We're together and trying to make it work."

"Have you told her you love her?"

"Not yet"

"What are you waiting for?" she asked in exasperation. "A bolt of lightning?"

"Maybe for the clouds to spell it out so I don't have to say it."

Nathalie grinned. "Coffee?" Patrick nodded. "Why are you so afraid?"

Patrick looked at his watch. "This must be a record – I've been here less than five minutes and you're already on my case"

"Well if you weren't such a cement head I wouldn't have to be" she teased handing him a coffee.

Grace called into Patrick's lap and traced her fingers over his eyes.

"What are you doing there Gracie-lou?"

"Making sure I 'member your face in case you die like Daddy"

Patrick gave Nathalie a panicked look. "Gracie, sweetie, Patrick's not going to die"

"He might" she insisted.

Patrick pinched her nose. "No – I'm going to be around for a long time – how else are we going to get married?"

"Oh" she said pensively. "Okay"

"Grace, hon – why don't you go and draw a picture for Patty?" Grace looked cautiously from Patrick to her mother before sliding from his lap and going to her playroom.

Patrick looked at Nathalie's face. She looked pale and drawn – more so than she had before. His heart felt like it might buckle under the weight of his secret.

"How are things going Nat?"

She shrugged. "Oh you know" she said lightly "Up to my eyes in bottles and diapers and thank you cards. Who knew there were so many thank you cards to write after something like this?"

"Can I help?" he offered.

"Actually maybe you could – you have atrocious handwriting – maybe I just get you to scribble a few lines and people will just assume it's a thank you as opposed to a doodle."

Patrick smiled. "Making doctor jokes already I see"

"Please – you doctors make it so easy"

"Shark"

"Quack"

"Nat – I have something…" The baby monitored announced that Oliver was awake and Nathalie smiled apologetically as she headed upstairs to get her son. Grace returned in search of Patrick, with a paper in hand. She handed it to him.

"What's this?" he asked looking at her drawing of two men.

"It's you and Daddy"

"Why do we have capes?"

" Cause you're superheroes – you save people 'n stuff."

"We're superheroes?"

She nodded earnestly. "Daddy was making medicine to fix people and you fix their heads."

Patrick sighed, feeling his eyes fill with tears as he looked at Gracie's sincere face. His resolve was fading. She thought her father to be a hero and how much of her innocence would it cost her if he told Nathalie the truth?

Nathalie came back down the stairs with Oliver in her arms. Patrick held his arms out and took him from her. He cradled him and cooed. Looking up he saw Nathalie grinning.

"What?"

"Looks good on you"

"Don't start"

"Seriously Patrick – you'd be a great dad."

He shrugged, giving Oliver his finger to suck on. "Not sure I'm interested. I'll settle for hanging out with your kids."

"Works for me." She turned to Grace. "Sweetie, why don't I put in a Dora video for you in the t.v. room?" she suggested, holding out her hand. Gracie took it and headed off with her mother. Nathalie returned with a serious look on her face.

"Think we can go inside? I need to talk to you"

"Sure- I kind of need to talk to you too" he said getting up, following her. Patrick sat on the couch making faces at Oliver, trying to elicit a laugh. He fingered the letter inside his jacket pocket.

Nathalie sat down and put several prescription bottles in front of him. Patrick looked at her in surprise. He picked the bottles up and read the prescriptions. They belonged to Andrew.

"I found these in a box buried at the back of his closet, more were in another box sent from his office. Do you know what they're for?"

Patrick licked his lips nervously. "Well, uh, they're often prescribed for neuro-muscular disorders."

"ALS" she said simply. Patrick held his breath. "ALS – he had ALS and he never told me."

"Nat – I'm sorry"

"Did you know?" Patrick shook his head. "I feel so betrayed" she said, trying to choke back tears. "I thought he loved me, I thought we trusted each other."

Noah's words came back to him in a flood. Truth does not always set you free "Nat – he loved you – loved you more than life itself."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"He was probably afraid."

"Of me?" she asked incredulously
Patrick shook his head. "Of himself. Of needing you – of the changes it meant for your relationship. But Nathalie – you can't doubt that he loved you – he would go on and on about you in nauseating detail. It was enough to make me want to hang up on him." he said trying to lighten the mood a little.

She smiled appreciatively. "I suppose I'm grateful in a way – for the car accident."

He studied her face. "How come?" he asked cautiously.

"Well it saved him the pain of what was to come – he would have hated being dependent on me to meet his needs – it would have killed him. Does it make me a bad person to think that?"

Patrick shook his head. "No" he said hoarsely. "It makes you honest"

Tears started to flow down her face. "I miss him Patrick – god! I feel like there's an empty space where my heart used to be."

He blew out his cheeks and held open his free arm. Nathalie moved into his arm and buried her head in his shoulder, sobbing. He knew in that moment that he would never tell her about the letter. She had found peace and he wasn't about to take that away from her.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

"You are definitely pregnant" Kelly said carefully.

Robin sat on the exam table and clenched her eyes shut. "The six home tests I took all said that too."

Kelly did a double take. "Six? Robin why did you take six tests – those things are about 98 accurate."

She shrugged. "Yeah, well the first ones I bought were the cheap ones and I thought maybe they weren't as good as the more expensive ones so I felt the need to test a few."

Kelly suppressed a smile. "You're about five weeks along" Robin nodded solemnly. "Robs, I'll have to call in an HIV specialist if you want to stay as my patient – you would be my first HIV+ patient."

"That would be fine" she said evenly.

"How do you think Patrick's going to take the news?" she asked.

"Not well"

"Why – he doesn't want kids?"

"He's not the father. Bruce is."