Thank you to everyone who reviewed and gave advice. In the end I really didn't know what to do, so I just decided to write and see where I ended up. It took me a while, as most chapters do. I'm slow going lol.
I hope that everyone likes some of what I wrote for this next chapter, and I can't wait to have more to work off of. The midseason premiere is so close, I can't wait! I really hope those of you who do read this chapter let me know what you think. I love all of your feedback. And in the case of the chapter you're about to read, your reviews helped mold what I wrote. Thank you all so much, please read and review!
And thank you to Kodaline, for such a beautiful song All I Want… really reminds you exactly how it feels to be in love for life.
Chapter Thirty Six
Daryl…
He held his finger to his lips, signaling the girls to keep quiet. He knew he didn't really have to, they hadn't spoken much in the past two days except for the necessary stuff. Emma's eyes had a constant glassy look, and Beth's were rimmed red from the moment she arose to the moment she pretended to fall asleep. Up ahead there was a possible reprieve from the constant wandering. His feet were blistered, holes worn in the bottom of both his boots. He could see the way the girls were beginning to just drag themselves around. Devoid of hope, roaming aimlessly, not even noticing how tired they really were.
He eyed the farm house in the distance. Overgrown with weeds and the windows blacked out… what would once give him an unsettling feeling, like a serial killer's home or something, seemed as though it was the safest place they'd come across since they left the prison. He felt someone come up beside him, and when he turned Beth had been leaning her hands on her knees, so close he could smell her. She didn't smell of fresh laundry like Ali did… but she was comforting in her own way. She placed her hand on his shoulder, seriousness in her eyes. "You think this is best?" She nodded toward the house that could pass for the one in Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
"Have I let ya down yet?" He met her seriousness with his own. "It's off the road, I haven't seen a walker in almost half a day 'cept the stragglers here and there. Whatchu think girl? We just gonna come across something like this again? Ya wanna spend another night on the road?"
He didn't know why he was snapping at her, or why he was suddenly overcome with anger. When the realization hit him it was too late, she had already retreated back to Emma's side, eyes glued to the ground. Ya see… he didn't want her to comfort him. He didn't want her touch to calm his nerves or slow his heartbeat. That was Ali's job. Beth's touch, no matter how foreign, slowed his pulse and calmed his worried mind… and he didn't want it. He didn't want any of it. He wanted Ali. Daryl didn't want Beth's hands to come near him again, lest he forget who he was trying to get back to this whole time. Daryl met her eyes apologetically, knowing not a damn bit of this was her fault, but she just looked away.
"What is it we're waitin' for exactly?" Emma's small voice came from her seemingly unmoving lips. "Let's just go in."
"I gotta make sure there ain't nothin' in there too dangerous…" Daryl looked at Emma worriedly, taking her in bit by bit. There wasn't a thing about her appearance that made him feel at ease. Emma was an empty shell… an empty shell where a smart, funny, sharp, quick witted girl used to be.
"Of course there is." She looked at him with something close to pity, like he was just so dumb that it created a deep sadness within her. The kind of sad that would never wash off of her face. "It's dangerous everywhere Daryl. Ain't no point in pretendin' any different." She caught the farmhouse in her sights again, staring hard as she stepped forward. "Who cares? We'll find out when we go in. Ain't no point in tryin' to protect us… we're already dead."
Daryl snatched Emma's arm as she went to make her way past him. "Stop talkin' like that. I won't have it, ya understand?"
She gave him that same sad look. "Okay Daryl, whatever ya say. I just want to lay down. Ya wanna help us? I mean really help us? Find us a place to rest. Let's just go on inside now. Let's just sleep." She was pitiful, a starving animal just begging for scraps. If he wasn't broken already his heart would have split in half at the mere sound of her voice.
"Like I said, keep yer' asses out here, and I'll check it out." Daryl furrowed his brows at her, squeezed her arm a little tighter. "Ya follow me out and I'll make ya regret it… huh? You hearin' me?" He was beginning to shout, his anger cutting through the air like a knife through butter. Beth's worry was palpable, and Emma's apathy was thick in the air, and Daryl couldn't stand it another minute. "I'm goin'. Stay here. I'll come out and letcha' know if we're okay."
Neither of them said a thing. He waited. "I need one a ya' to tell me ya understand what I'm askin'." His voice edged with doubt, his anger wrapped up tight, like a package ready to tear open at the seams.
"Got it Daryl." Was all Emma said as she lowered herself to the mossy earth. He watched in confusion as she tore at the grass, rolling it up into little balls before tossing it to the side and ripped out new pieces. De-ja-vu hit him hard and fast. It was about a year ago he watched Ali do the same thing. She had been nervous and uncomfortable, doing something she didn't want to do. Her first instinct had been to tear apart the ground beneath her. Daryl figured if she could control anything in that moment, well, perhaps it'd provide a profound relief. Not something easily explained to most people, but Daryl understood.
"Hey. look at me girly." It had been a while since he'd used that sentiment, Emma took notice, raising her eyes to his. Her head was still pointed toward the green grass beneath her, but at least her eyes seemed to hear his demands. "Everythin' is gonna be okay…" He watched the disbelief in her frown, her immediate break of eye contact. Daryl instantly grasped that she didn't' react like most girls her age would to words like that. She didn't radiate relief, respite, or even the briefest moment of false contentment most girls know how to put on. She was miserable. Emma was alone and miserable and missed Allison as much as he did. It was in different ways, but they both felt her absence like a large hole that had been blasted through the middle of their lives.
And then there was Beth, ignored by Emma and him both. She had just lost her sister and her father was executed… right in front of her eyes. He didn't think about it until then… but she wasn't going to be okay either. Some experiences are so big they change your DNA. Her meekness, humble attitude… her sweetness, once so admired by many, had disappeared in a matter of 72 hours. She was just as lost as he and Emma now. Maybe he should try and be nicer for once.
"I'll be right back…"
He looked back about every five seconds as he made his way to the large door that was probably once a crisp, clean white. Now it was smeared with dirt and blood, weathered and worn from years of abuse and neglect. If left alone long enough everything could rotted away.
He made his way from room to room, a rancid smell filling his nose. He knew the stench, dead bodies. He just needed to know how dead they actually were. When he stumbled upon the people invading his nostrils he was relieved. They must have been husband and wife, gunshot wounds to each of their skulls, wrapped up in each other on a full size bed easily shut off from the rest of the house. He shut the door tight and stuffed blankets at the gap from the bottom to the floorboards. When he made it back outside they were in the same place, the same blank looks on their faces.
"No walkers…" He said just loud enough for them to hear. As the girls made their way to him he feigned a smile as best he could. "We can sleep now Emma. Let's get some a' that rest ya were talkin' 'bout."
She paid him the same courtesy, such a small gesture, but it made him feel okay enough to rest his head for a few hours. Just a simple nod of the head, the best smile she could conjure… just to let him know she was grateful… yeah… that's the best gift he could've gotten in that moment. Unless Ali was planning on strolling out of those woods any second. That would do, too.
Ali…
"Let's not think about it that way…" She attempted feebly. They were eyeing the rotting carcass in front of them, a skunk or raccoon… either way… the stench alone was enough to rise bile to her throat.
"There's nothin' there worth takin' Ali." Rick's rough hand planted itself on her shoulder, a familiar feeling the past two or three days. Her hunger was getting the better of her, and he was putting it into perspective, as he did most things. "Don't matter if you find decent meat under the rotten parts, it's all toxic now… ya know that… dontcha?"
Ali felt the hollows of her cheeks as she sucked in a breath. "I'd rather try than starve to death." She answered bitterly, grabbing his hand and shoving it off. She had been refusing even the idea of assistance as of recent. Ali had adapted to the idea that this was all her fault. Carl was helping that process along with every dirty look and sideways sneer he gave her. There wasn't a damn thing Rick could say or do to change his son's mind. Carl needed someone to blame… his father was old news. It was Ali's turn now. Shit, she was the only other option. To Carl, Ali and Rick were the only other people on the planet.
"We'll find us somethin'…" Rick looked around for any type of tool he could get his hands on. Ali had seen the same look in his eyes for the past few days: Like he'd do anything… anything… to fill her stomach, Carl's, and his own. She couldn't help but think about the way it'd be if she were with Daryl. She wouldn't be hungry, wouldn't feel guilty or sad or beaten down. Ali needed someone to match her… someone with her tenacity and more skill then she could ever possess. Rick raised the bar with intention, he did, brought her to a higher level in theory, but the only man that had ever brought out the monster it takes to survive in reality was Daryl. She needed it now more than ever. She needed food… she needed water… she needed rest.
Suddenly the realization hit her like a ton of bricks. "There's a river about a mile west… a river… with fish. We can hook some fish and grill em' right there on the riverbed. Sleep near the water… the walkers, they seem to stay away when we're near water."
Rick looked at her, considering the idea. She glanced in Carl's direction and saw, for the first time in weeks, not a look of disdain, but one of gratitude.
"She's right Dad." Carl nodded, standing up a little straighter although it must have stolen so much energy away from his dwindling frame. "We need to do that. We're not finding the highway, we're not finding any of our people… we're… we're alone." His voice broke as he looked away. "Might as well start acting like it. Might as well figure out how to live this way."
Ali couldn't help it, a choked sob came out as she leaned forward, elbows on her knees, seemingly trying to keep from being sick. Her tears fell like rain during a storm, fast and angry, anxious to escape and get the whole ordeal over with. Her body swayed, struggling to keep balance. When Rick reached his hand out to help her she held one of hers up. A silent refusal of help, though she was having trouble breathing.
It wasn't until the spots in front of her eyes tipped her over that she allowed herself to fall into his arms. She could hear his voice, however distant, telling Carl to help him lay her out straight. She felt his hand under her neck so her breath came easier.
"It's gonna be alright Ali." Rick's head was bent over her chest, his own crying filtered through his voice. "I'll keep you safe, I'll take care of you now. I'll try… It'll be alright…" When she caught the last glimpse of the sheriff before darkness took her, he… changed. His eyes… they went from brown to a cool, intense blue. His mouth turned downward in the classic Dixon frown… and suddenly it was Daryl holding on to her. It was Daryl grasping her limp body and praying she'd make it out alive.
Maybe that's why when she fell into the darkness all she heard was music. Her pain wrapped in a melody, her tears flowing into lyrics she'd write down one day and be proud of. In the open landscape, empty of most things, she'd found him… she'd truly found him… and she couldn't have left the world happier than she was in that moment…
All I want is nothing more When you said your last goodbye But If you loved me So you brought out the best of me, But if you loved me
To hear you knocking at my door
'Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy girl I'm sure
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.
A part of me I'd never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.
Waking up wasn't easy. It never is.
Her entire head throbbed with the pain of it, dehydration and misery in bounds. By the way they were sitting on either side of her slack body, both Grimes men, she could tell they were just praying she'd wake up with her own mind. Not one rotten with the disease. As withholding as Ali could be, she knew not to make them wait a minute longer.
"Hi." Her voice was small, but it jarred them. Carl's feet and hands moved faster than she'd seen out of him in a while, shuffling to her side, his hand tightly wrapped within hers in moments. Rick looked dazed, like he didn't believe it could be her, awake in front of him.
She wondered to herself, just how long had she been out? "How long I been asleep?"
Rick swallowed hard as he answered. "Over a day ago… yer' breathin' was so shallow." He turned a milky white as Carl looked out to the woods, hand still in hers. "I didn't think… I didn't think you'd wake up."
"Well I'm awake… how many days you lose cuz of me?" She was surprised at how guilty she felt. It's not like she could have helped it. Her muscles were still weak from lack of food. "Whatever… tell me you found food. Anything." Her lips were dry and cracked. "And water."
They both disappeared from her side for a few minutes. When they came back Carl had fresh, cold water in a metal thermos top they'd brought along. Rick had some sort of meat he'd obviously cooked from the night before. Ali devoured them both in minutes. Seconds maybe. Her stomach was soothed for the first time since she'd run away from the burning embers that were once her home almost a week before.
"So… you guys come up with a plan yet?" She struggled to support herself with one arm, taking Rick's help with her other hand. She gripped his forearm and noticed for the first time how strong he really was. He wasn't even shaking in the slightest at her struggling weight on a single wrist. All he seemed concerned about was her. His eyes held hers, his opposite hand under her chin, turning her head from side to side. He was checking her over, she realized, making sure she was as okay as she could be. She felt him press his palm against her cheek for just a moment before he pulled away and eased her down to where she was supporting herself
"No… we thought maybe you'd come up with somethin' in yer sleep." Carl quipped. She looked up to him and for the first time in weeks caught the hint of a smile. It was gone as quickly as it'd appeared. But it was there. She saw.
"We were thinkin' of headin' on down to that river ya were talkin' about." Rick shook his head at Carl, doing his fatherly best to insist this was not a time for joking around. Ali didn't listen though. Neither did Carl. The smiles were thick on their faces, the joy flowing through their collective bloodstream like The Nile. They were alive, they were happy to wake up and see the other one still breathing. The anger Carl had been harboring seemed to evaporate in the morning air. "What the hell are you two smilin' about?" He was more confused than angry.
"Nothing Rick." Ali patted his hand with hers. "Let's go to the water. Sounds like a great idea."
Daryl…
The air around them stunk of rotten food and rotten flesh. As much as Daryl had tried to keep the rancid air from the bedroom to itself, it had seeped into the rest of the house anyway. Beth's nose crinkled every time she took a breath in. Emma didn't seem to care. They stayed there for two days… two long, sad days… before Beth spoke up.
"We need to leave Daryl." Her voice was assertive from the other side of the kitchen table. They each had a small serving of cold beans from a can, the ultimate cliché. Beth spoke with strength, though every breath was thick with tears. "I can't stay here anymore."
"This is the safest we could be." Daryl shook his head at her, annoyed with her naivety. "We ain't goin' anywhere."
"We won't last here." She pleaded. "It's miserable, it's lonely and dark… why the hell… I mean, what's the god damn point?"
He was startled by her use of the Lord's name in vain. When his eyes met hers he realized why she had said it… she had all but given up. They were the same red rimmed eyes he'd been watching for a week, hoping they'd go back to normal. They didn't. They only got worse.
"The point is staying alive." He answered simply.
"Yeah… cuz that's exactly what we're doin'." Emma sighed as she pushed her beans away from her on the table. She looked up to the ceiling in exasperation, praying to a God that she didn't even believe in. "We're not livin' Daryl. We're just not dyin'. There's a difference."
Their disappointment laid heavy on his shoulders. For the first time in so long he felt defeated. Deflated. "I'm sorry." He managed as he eyes landed on his lap. His fingers wrapping and unwrapping in themselves. "I tried… Fuckin hell Emma… I tried."
"I know." She reached out and held his hand at the same time he saw Beth's hand grab his other. The two girls held on for dear life, crying and squeezing his fingers. Beth pressed her thumb into his palm, and for a moment… just a moment… he felt Ali's hand in his own. He was ashamed to say that when he looked up and saw Beth's instead of Ali's ocean eyes, he wasn't entirely disappointed. At least there was someone, at least he had them both.
At least he wasn't alone.