A work based on Episodes 12 & 13, Season Five: "The Diamond of the Day Part 1 & Part 2", and continuing on after the finale, with a different ending. A Multi-chapter work.
This work is entirely my own, based on the characters established by BBC's Merlin. I do not own any of the characters, and am not making any money from this fiction. It is created purely for my own, and others' enjoyment.
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Next instalment: more excitement, adventure and angst; all is not smooth along the pathway of love. Hope you enjoy.
FACETS OF A DIAMOND
Chapter: Thirty-Seven
Firelight danced, casting moving shadows through the small clearing which was set several feet back from the trail they'd been following. The effect was hypnotic and eerie, yet familiar and comforting at the same time. Behind them two hobbled horses grazed, tearing up tussocks of grass; it was possible to track their location by listening for the muffled crunch of equine teeth and the gentle blowing breaths of contentment. Niniane relaxed a little, knowing that the animals' keen senses would alert her to any approaching danger: while they were contentedly grazing, there was likely nothing to fear.
The visual beauty of the firelight was lost on Merlin, however, who sat still and quiet beside her. The man had been depressed and withdrawn for the last several hours and Niniane was at a loss to know what the cause might be or how to help him. She felt her chest contract as Merlin drew in a deep breath and huffed it out again, as if wishing it could carry away all his sadness and tension as it left his body.
He turned his head towards her, blue eyes staring blankly past her shoulder as they sat quietly together on the rough tree-trunk. It was eerie, the lack of focus in those usually-piercing eyes, and Niniane had to restrain herself from a reflexive look behind, as though Merlin were focusing on something beyond her in the darkness.
"I'm tired, Niniane." He answered finally with another sigh.
Nodding, she patted his shoulder. "Well, the last few days have been quite strenuous. You should feel better after a good rest."
The Warlock smiled sadly and shook his head; "Not that kind of tired."
Puzzled, the woman waited patiently for him to continue.
Dropping his head, Merlin rubbed both hands over his face, passing them over the top of his head to link behind his neck and held them there. "I'm tired of…of… I don't know. Everything, I suppose.
"For ten years I've hidden my magic, stood at Arthur's side, protected him and helped him establish Camelot; the Kingdom of which he could be proud: a place of safety, a place of equality where everybody has the right to be heard and not just the nobility. All of that time I've hidden who I am, played the fool, and stood back while others took the credit for my efforts.
"Not that I begrudge him, really, after all he is the King." A brief sad smile. "But it's been hard, you know?" He paused, then whispered softly to himself "So, so hard. And lonely."
A longer pause as the fire crackled and the horses munched behind them. A chill began to fall, and night birds rustled and called occasionally as they roused for the night's hunting ahead.
Merlin smiled a twisted smile, cocking his head slightly. "I remember once when I was helping a young farm boy who had a magic ring.(1) He was so desperate to prove himself. I saw so much of myself in him that it was frightening. I remember the words I spoke to him then so clearly: 'It's lonely. To be more powerful than any man you know and to live like a shadow. To be special and have to pretend you're a fool.' That has been my life, Niniane, summed up in those few words." Merlin fell silent, tears gathering in his blind blue eyes. Niniane's own eyes overflowed and her cheeks were lined with moisture as she cried silently, contemplating what the extraordinary young man before her had endured.
"But it's more than that. I not only had to hide who I was but I also had a destiny to fulfil. A destiny that nobody really understood, except for myself and an ancient dragon. I tried to fight against that destiny at first; I mean I really tried! I thought; after all who was this Arthur? An egotistical prat? An arrogant nobleman? And who was I? A simple villager with a strange gift which had never been seen before." Merlin cracked out a harsh laugh; "Arthur had the gall to suggest once, that I had no idea what it was like to feel burdened by fate, and as though your whole life was planned out for you and you had no say in it at all. Although I suppose that wasn't really his fault, was it? I played my part too well, and he had no idea. I've hidden all the different facets of my personality so well and for so long that even I don't really know who I am."
A longer silence and Niniane rose softly to place more wood on the fire. Merlin sat lost in thought and emotion. Niniane rustled about softly placing blankets by the fire, unpacking travelling food and other mundane tasks. Eventually she came to rest on the fallen tree again by Merlin's side, ready to listen once more. He continued without prompting, elbows on knees and hands loosely pointing at the ground.
"I've dedicated all I am, and all of my magic to Camelot for so long that I've had no time to find out who Merlin is. I mean, here I am, twenty-six years old and never even had a girl-friend! Well, that's not really true; I had Freya, for two whole days." Heartbreak was visible in his face and Niniane held her breath; she'd known there was a story there and it seemed she was about to hear it.
"I rescued her, you know. She'd been arrested by a bounty-hunter for being a druid, and was imprisoned in a cage. I used my magic and let her out." A soft expression stole over the angular features. "She was so beautiful, so good and gentle. I hid her in the passages beneath Camelot and stole Arthur's meals to feed her. We were going to run away together, build a house by a lake, and just be happy. She was my first love," he smiled wistfully, "My only love."
A deep, unhappy sigh left him and sadness descended once more; "But, of course fate had to interfere, didn't it? She'd been cursed: she was a Bastet. She got loose and attacked Camelot and Arthur fought her, of course. He wounded her and drove her off. I found her, dying, back in the filthy alcove beneath the city. It was the only safe place she knew. I took her to the nearest lake I knew of so that its beauty, and our dreams, would surround her at the end. That place was Avalon, where we went yesterday morning. She died there, in my arms by the water, and she thanked me." Tears rolled down Merlin's face as he relived the tragedy. He did not sob and his voice remained controlled and steady as the tale continued.
"She thanked me for 'saving' her, for making her feel loved. And she promised to repay me. Afterwards I dressed her in one of Morgana's gowns and placed her in a boat surrounded by ferns. I was the only one who cared enough to do that for her. I sent the boat out onto the Lake and used Magic to burn her body. I don't know how, or what magic was used or even when it happened, but she somehow became the Lady of the Lake. She's helped me save Camelot a couple of times, now.
"That was my one and only foray into a personal life; something that wasn't connected directly to Arthur, or Camelot, or my destiny. I've never bothered again, after that. Not that I've had the opportunity to." Silence blanketed the two who sat side by side but were separated by so much, Merlin's unspoken 'until now' echoing in both their minds.
Niniane extended her hand, and offered tentatively; "But surely it's better now, isn't it? I mean, everyone knows that you're a Warlock, and most have accepted it. Magic is coming back to Camelot; it has to be better for you." She was almost pleading.
Burying his face in his hands, Merlin's voice was muffled as he gave his answer. "You'd think so, wouldn't you? I mean, bringing Magic back is one of the things Emrys is supposed to do, isn't it? The wry expression on his face revealed that reality had a far different flavour than expected. He looked up again, elbows on knees and chin in hand. "But really, I'm more alone now than ever."
Niniane frowned and shook her head, not understanding. "But…"
"Oh, yes. I've saved Camelot again: driven off Mordred, bested the Dochraid. Before that I brought Arthur back from the dead and dealt with Morgana." Anger and bitterness crept into his tone. "Yes, the Great Emrys has saved the day!
"You have no idea of the burden this is. Yes, the 'Great Emrys' will save Camelot and fix everything. And what's even better; we can blame him when things go wrong!" Merlin pantomimed his assessment of how the Courtiers regarded him; bitterness once again evident in his voice.
He rounded on Niniane almost violently, and spat out "Do you know what 'Emrys' means? It means 'light' or 'powerful'. It also means 'Immortal.' Just think for a moment about that!"
Niniane sat back as if pushed by the vehemence of Merlin's exclamation. She'd never really considered what it might be like to be Emrys; too overjoyed by his coming as well as the feelings she'd begun to develop for him. Merlin went on, enlightening her further; "So, now that magic is accepted in the land I am even more isolated. I am Emrys, unlike any sorcerer or warlock that exists. I am more powerful, governed by a Great Destiny still, and set apart from mortals and magic-users alike."
The depth of emotion in the words was overwhelming, and the young druid woman sat shocked and still. One word, however, stood out, and she voiced it tentatively; "Mortals?" She had not yet absorbed the import of Merlin's statement.
Merlin calmed abruptly and grasped Niniane's hand where it rested on his arm, holding it in both of his. He nodded, looking her in the eyes as best he could; "Yes, Niniane. 'Emrys' means Immortal. I learned that the last time I was in the Crystal Cave, just before the Battle of Camlann. It means that I will out-live everybody I know, and that I will endure, alone, until the end of time." Even in his great distress, Merlin attempted to offer what comfort he could to this gentle woman. His tears, which had so recently ceased and then been dried by the heat of the fire stood once more in his eyes. He swallowed and blinked them back, determined not to shed them and add further to Niniane's distress.
Continuing slowly and deliberately, Merlin enunciated "This is why Freya must remain my only love." He gently stroked the back of the small hand he held. "At first I thought that… But... I cannot allow myself to…" he broke off with a strangled sob and turned away, turning his back to her and struggling once more for control. Niniane heard him whisper, as if to himself "This is the true destiny of Emrys…"
Understanding and silence fell together on the small clearing. By now the owls were hunting; soft mournful calls in the full dark. Bats, more felt than heard, flitted through the air and the horses ranged slightly further in search of fodder. A long while passed before Niniane rose and led Merlin to his blankets which she'd laid out earlier. The exhausted man flopped down and mechanically removed his boots before covering himself and rolling to place his back to the fire. He heard his companion placing more fuel on it before settling herself in her own sleeping place opposite and behind him. It was a long while before either of them drifted into sleep.
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The senior knights were gathered in the Round Table room, answering questions, directing clean-up and generally acting as intermediary for Arthur and Guinevere. They were kept on their toes as the various crews reported in with tasks completed, and set off again with their next chores allocated.
Merick, one of the Druid Healers, came twice a day to report on the ground-floor sick rooms. Recoveries and discharges were noted, as well as numbers given on how many men remained in the rooms, and how long it was expected until they would be recovered enough to be sent home into the care of their families. Mundane matters such as how much food would be needed for them, as well as laundry and kitchen duties were all a part of keeping Camelot functioning as she recovered from the recent battle.
Arthur and Guinevere had not removed themselves totally from the process, but had reduced their involvement somewhat. Due to their recent loss the royal couple found themselves with less inclination and ability to deal with the minutiae of daily life. Sir Leon, as senior Knight, reported to Arthur at least twice a day, keeping the King up to date with recent developments and carrying back specific orders. In addition, Arthur made daily rounds and appearances in the city. Otherwise he dedicated himself to spending time with his grieving wife.
Guinevere had recovered from the debilitating numbness she'd experienced on the first day after her miscarriage. She continued to grieve; bursting into tears or withdrawing into herself at unpredictable moments. Physically Gwen was recovering well; spending an hour or so each morning and afternoon helping in the sick rooms while Arthur dealt with Castle business helped to keep her grounded. Emotionally she was still inclined to blame herself for the loss of their child. Court gossip and whispered comments, especially from some of the female courtiers did not help either. She'd heard rumours that implied she would never conceive again, and that if she did she was likely to miscarry once more.
In past days the inability of a queen to provide an heir was grounds for divorce, and some of the more ambitious women were beginning to think of ways to ingratiate themselves into King Arthur's favour, trying to feather their nest by trading their bodies' ability to produce children. Poor Gwen felt even more inadequate each time these whispers reached her ears despite Maerwina's best efforts to protect her mistress. Arthur had, of course, reassured her continuously that he had absolutely no intention of putting her away in order to take another wife. Gwen trusted in his love for her as well as his refusal to act in such an ignoble manner. The comments still caused pain to her still-raw nerves, however.
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The two travellers had awoken after dawn. Merlin'd lain still and quiet on his pallet, stiff and sore from a night spent on the ground. In his distress last evening he'd not remembered to soften the earth beneath their sleeping-places magically as he'd done on Avalon. Now, on waking, he regretted the oversight. It wasn't Niniane's fault that he couldn't (shouldn't?) love her, and she shouldn't have had to suffer because of his bad mood. His own aching neck and back were adding further to his already foul temper. He rolled onto his back with a sigh and decided that he may as well give himself a boost and link with the natural magic which surrounded him.
He closed his eyes; even though he didn't really need to, the action itself seemed to enhance his concentration even if it made little different to his sight. As he was lying on the earth he first sent his awareness downwards into the moist loam, sensing the myriad of small creatures that lived and burrowed amongst it. Insects, beetles, worms, spiders all colonised the upper layers, and Merlin revelled in their jerky movements and tiny sparks of life. Further down he could
sense larger splodges of power: rabbits safe and warm in their burrows huddled together for comfort and warmth. Smiling, the young warlock maintained a link with these creatures, and extended his senses outwards again. A mile away he detected a small burn, the water alive with fish, insects and frogs, as well as a myriad of creatures too small to be seen without magical assistance. The magic from the water-creatures wasn't the warm gold of the rabbits, but a cooler colour, as their magic reflected their watery element.
Once again he allowed his senses to reach up: not as high up as he had once before, he confined himself to sensing the trees and larger creatures which dwelled in them. Squirrels were returning to their hollows, snuggling down for the day. Badgers and foxes were taking refuge in caverns beneath spreading roots, and further up, the night-birds were returning to roost, while the day predators were stirring and waking.
For many minutes Merlin lay lost in the sensations. He did not draw power this time, but simply basked in it, allowing the magic to caress him inside and out before he withdrew back into himself. As though she'd sensed his return to his body, Niniane spoke "We had better get going if we want to reach the Crystal Cave soon."
Merlin nodded dully, and sat up; stretching out his hand to where he'd left his boots. They were slightly damp from the dew, but a quick wave of magic fixed that. He turned them upside down to dislodge any creatures that'd used them for shelter before inserting his feet. Then he sat, still and useless as his companion moved around packing equipment. Merlin listened as her footsteps moved further away, and he guessed she'd gone to retrieve their horses. The most embarrassing moment for Merlin was when Niniane had taken his arm to lead him into the scrub before delicately leaving him for several minutes in privacy while he tended to natural functions.
All too soon, the two magic-users were journeying onward once more, eating dried fruit and jerky as they travelled. The silence that had been established last evening continued still, although it felt less strained now. Niniane had yet to communicate her thoughts and response to Merlin's problem, and he was reluctant to broach it with her; too emotionally exhausted to make the attempt. It was easier to just focus on the task ahead, and get through it in one piece.
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Niniane estimated the sun had travelled three handspans before they came to the clearing just before the Cave's entrance. Recognising where they were by the power that emanated from the mouth of the Cave, Merlin dismounted without waiting for assistance. He fumbled behind his saddle and grasped hold of his old herb-collecting pouch, slinging it over his shoulder. He'd had the kitchen hands pack it with travelling food before they'd left. Waiting until he heard Niniane dismount, he called to her horse, hand grasping the reins as it approached. He patted both animals, soothing and reassuring them, before instructing them in the Old Tongue to go home, back to Camelot.
"We'll not need them after this. Once my sight is returned I'll transport us to the Dochraid's cave, and then back home." Was his explanation to his companion. Niniane rapidly grabbed a few supplies from her own horse and stood back. Working by feel, Merlin secured their reins on the saddle, loose enough to not interfere with the animals' movement, but firm enough to not come free and trail on the ground. A friendly slap on the rump and the beasts headed off down the path, noses turned for home.
"I'll know which way to go in the Cave, but I'll need your help to not trip on anything. Is that alright?" Merlin asked.
"Of course; I'm happy to help any way I can. You know that." Niniane tried to inject a tone of familiar teasing. "What are you actually going to do here, though? How can the Cave help you get your sight back?"
They conversed as they entered the mouth of the Cave, Merlin's blue light-globes springing into existence around them.
"It's because the curse was sent by so many different magic-users. I have enough personal power to undo it, but the magic is all twisted and convoluted, muddied by the score of sorcerers who linked to cast it. I'm still learning how to use my magic. I suspect I will continue to learn for the rest of my life." Merlin chuckled; the first sound of mirth either had made for a long time. "The Crystal Cave is the birthplace of Magic itself. Surely the druids would have taught you that?"
"Yes, but I'm not sure how it's going to help you."
"Here I'm more alive to Magic. Attuned to it, you could say. The Crystals in the Cave amplify what magic I have, while imparting their own as well. It's an ancient place and full of the Old Religion. If I link with the Crystals deeply enough, I will be able to see the various strands of the curse, and the magic and healing of the Cave will do the rest."
By this time they'd reached the place where Merlin had first spoken with Taliesin, and Niniane was shivering as she reacted to the ancient power which buzzed and hummed all around. Merlin, feeling her shudders, asked "Are you alright here? It can be overwhelming, I know."
"I…I think so. It's like…well…like nothing I've ever felt before." The druidess was awed and frightened at the same time. "Aren't you frightened? You know, of linking with it? You might lose yourself."
Merlin chuckled once more, his laughter echoing around the cavern. "No, I'm not afraid. Well…I was the first time, when Taliesin brought me here and asked me to see in the Crystals.(2) But I've grown a lot since then, and been through a lot. This is the first time I've been back since I really became Emrys. It's kind of like coming home; the power is warm and familiar. It's calling to me. Can you hear it?"
Merlin was eager, pulling ahead and moving toward the Heart of the Cave and Niniane followed behind, keeping her hands on him to help steady him on the uneven floor.
"Calling?" She queried, doubtfully. "If you say so. All I can hear is the Crystal singing inside my mind; it's eerie and a bit frightening, but I don't think it's calling me."
"Ah. It must just be me then. Because Magic knows me." He could feel his companion's confusion, even if he couldn't see it. "To me the Cave is alive; it's a Person full of power and wisdom. It's…home I suppose. Or as close as I can come to it." They'd ascended the final few feet and the majesty of the Heart of the Cave lay before them. Niniane gasped, unprepared for the sight of the large bowl-like area encrusted with glowing crystals of every shape and size. She was one of only two living people in the world who'd seen and experienced the Heart of the Cave. The other was, of course, standing beside her.
"Stay here." Merlin's voice sounded. "I'm not sure what will happen, but if you stay out of the Heart itself, you should be safe enough. I'll protect you as best I can."
Niniane nodded and released Merlin's arm, watching as he extended his hands and groped his way forward. He was heading unerringly for a small clear space in the centre of the bowl, and when he reached it he sank down. Crystal glowed and pulsed, almost alive, and Crystal Song swelled, running along the walls and causing the individual crystals to vibrate. Niniane settled herself upon the ground, eyes fixed on the young warlock as she felt her very bones begin to vibrate in resonance.
Druid and warlock entered a trance-like state, both affected by the Magic of the sacred place; warlock by choice, and druid by chance as the backlash of the power released found its way to her.
As once before, Merlin allowed himself to be cradled by sound; rocked and comforted like an infant at its mother's breast. He relinquished control absolutely and allowed the Cave to work through his body at will; unwinding the tangled curse which had stolen his sight.
Niniane drifted; warm, comfortable and weightless. Magic seemed to want to speak with her, and it began to take form in her mind; a face and a voice that was vaguely familiar and not at all threatening. A pale oval face framed with dark ringlets, a perfectly-shaped mouth and eyes of indescribable colour. The Woman continued to coalesce, and as Merlin had said earlier, Freya, now the Lady of the Lake, was indeed beautiful.
"My dear Niniane," a gentle voice greeted "Do not despair, my girl. All that you hope for may yet come to pass."
"I don't understand…"
A delightful tinkling laugh caressed her soul as Freya answered. "Yes, you do. But you are afraid to open yourself to hope once more, because hope unfulfilled is hurt and pain and disappointment. But it is only as you can dare to hope that your dreams can be fulfilled.
"Trust yourself, my Niniane, and trust Emrys. He is afraid; afraid to trust and afraid to love. But most of all he is afraid of being alone through the long years ahead. Walk with him, Niniane, and help him overcome that fear."
"He does not want me, he told me so." Sadness dripped from the druidess's words as the tears dripped from her eyes.
"Oh, Niniane. If he truly did not want you or the love and companionship you offer so freely, then there would be no struggle inside of him, and no need to try and convince himself that he cannot have it." Affection warmed Freya's voice.
"I still do not understand, Lady."
"Merlin was not made to be alone; it is not in his nature. His heart was made for loving and it is a fortunate few who will ever experience that. He has locked away this part of himself, but if it remains so he will turn lonely and bitter as the years pass by him. Love him, Niniane, for the time that you are together. Offer him what he needs, but quietly and without demanding, and he will eventually come to acceptance. He will grieve when he outlives you, yes, but he will have at least the experience and memory of your love to sustain him, as well as any children that may be born, to bring him comfort. Just imagine, Niniane: Emrys living through the millennia watching over his family as it grows and spreads across the earth, taking magic everywhere it goes and blessing many nations as they travel.
"It is no easy task set before you; in his devotion to his Destiny Merlin forgets that he is human and that he needs care as any man does. If you take this role there will be unimaginable joys, but also much pain and loneliness. Emrys, by very nature of who he is, will be pulled in many different directions. You must be prepared to be often overlooked and ignored, even by Emrys himself at times. Not many women would be capable of this, Niniane. But I have looked inside your heart and I know you; your gentleness and love and wisdom. I choose you, my friend, to care for and love my Merlin. Will you do this for me? And give him what I cannot?"
Sobbing in earnest Niniane buried her face in her lap, tears wetting her dress as she nodded. "Yes. Yes, of course I will. Or at least I will try."
Crystal Song swelled sweetly around the crouched form and the Lady of the Lake faded slowly, a sad smile on her face. She would watch from her watery world, and speak with Emrys often over the eons, as long-lived as he. She would watch as he dared to trust in love once more, and embarked on a journey with Niniane that had once been planned between a young Merlin and Freya.
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Nestled in the Heart of the Crystal Cave Merlin Emrys was unaware of the conversation taking place so near to him. He was totally absorbed in the warmth of healing that the Cave brought him. The last time he'd been healed here he'd been unconscious, and only now was he aware how grateful he should have been for that as the comforting warmth brightened, then heated still further across the threshold into discomfort.
Pain seared along his nerves as he allowed the Magic of the Cave to run through his body and right the wrongs the curse had caused. Gritting his teeth, he refused to give voice to agony as the Dochraid's tainted magic was burned from him. For all his efforts, however, a low groaning escaped the warlock. Many, many long moments later the searing along bodily pathways began to ease and die back. Slowly, gradually the heat became bearable, and then sank once more into comforting warmth before ceasing entirely.
Gasping and shuddering Merlin crouched, his forehead pressed into the rocky floor of the Cave, sweat and tears turning the dust into mud. He concentrated on breathing; taking in slow lungsful of air and expelling them slowly as he gained control once more. Eyes still closed he straightened and sat back on his heels, shudders slowly relaxing. Cracking one eye slightly he dared to experiment; would he be able to see again? Pain slammed into the back of his eye as his pupil constricted against the brightness of the Crystals in the Heart. Wincing Merlin screwed his eye shut in reaction before his brain caught up with reality: he was reacting to seeing light for the first time in several days. Excited, he tried again, and was able to keep his eye open for slightly longer. Yes! He was definitely seeing something!
Blinking rapidly, Merlin was eventually able to accustom his sight once more, and he gazed around the Heart in reverent awe. To have these brlightly glowing Crystals as the first thing he saw in days was somehow fitting. Grinning, the warlock staggered to his feet, turning towards where he'd left Niniane. Yes! He could see her, silhouetted against glowing Crystal, characteristic gentle smile on her plain face.
"It worked!" he crowed, and made his way towards her, independent once more. "I can see! It worked Niniane!"
He grasped her hands in joy squeezing tight as he swung her around in celebration.
"I'm glad, Merlin." Was her simple answer. "Shall we go now? We still have the Dochraid to deal with."
A huge goofy Merlin-grin reaching from ear to ear, the warlock turned and began to make his way back along the floor of the Cave, heading for the exit. "Yes. Hopefully I can deal with her properly this time. Then we can get back to Camelot and help with the clean-up."
Niniane squeezed his hand gently to indicate that she'd heard, and followed obediently.
"You know," Merlin mused aloud, "Whenever I come to the Crystal Cave something changes. It's like coming here marks the seasons and the changes in my life. Each time is the beginning of something new: The first time it was when Taliesin taught me to see. The next was when I came into my full powers as Emrys. And now I'm healed and whole again, magic is mostly accepted in Camelot, and Arthur is beginning to be the Once and Future King."
Silence fell; Niniane saw no need to speak but her heart was full of ponderings; a marking of new seasons? Perhaps it would be, at that. She smiled her gentle smile and kept her counsel, content to wait and see if the Lady of the Lake's words would come to pass. Only time would tell.
"Yes." Merlin continued. "It's definitely a new beginning. Come on, Niniane: this way." And he led her by the hand into their next adventure.
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(1) 'The Sorcerer's Shadow' Series three, Episode Eleven.
(2) 'The Crystal Cave' Series Three, Episode Five.