Warning: excessive use of strong and/or foul language

A young man stands in his bedroom. It just so happens that today, the 4th of May, is this young man's birthday. Though it was sixteen years ago he was given life, it is only today he will be given a name!

What will the name of this young man be?

-ENTER NAME

VEXATIOUS DOUCHEBAG

…

TRY AGAIN, SMARTASS

...

SHINICHI KUDO

-EXAMINE BEDROOM

Your name is SHINICHI KUDO. As previously mentioned, today is your BIRTHDAY. A card and cake have already been sent by your parents, who are currently TRAVELING THE WORLD. You have a few main INTERESTS, most of which revolve around DETECTIVES and MYSTERY-TYPES. You absolutely adore SHERLOCK HOLMES and his creator, CONAN DOYLE. You actually consider yourself to be an ASPIRING DETECTIVE, much as your father much was, and have a FLAIR FOR THE DRAMATIC, much to the delight of your actress-mother. Your childhood friend is MOURI RAN, and you are UTTERLY IN LOVE WITH HER.

It appears someone is attempting to contact you. You make your way over to your computer, opening Pesterchum.

karateAngel [KA] began pestering acekickDetective [AD] at 06:27

KA: Happy birthday, Shinichi!

AD: Thanks, Ran.

KA: Did your parents send you anything?

AD: Yeah, I got it last night. A card and a cake as usual. And one of Dad's books. Big surprise, huh?

KA: Don't be like that. You love your Dad's books.

AD: …

KA: …

AD: Error: Connection Lost

KA: Very funny.

AD: So did you get me anything?

KA: Nope!

AD: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaan

KA: Of course I did, you baby. But you're not getting it until after school alright?

AD: …Fine. But it better be good.

KA: You're such a child. Anyway, I need to get ready for school. I'll see you in a bit!

AD: Bye.

magiliciousPhantom [MP] began trolling acekickDetective [AD] at 06:30

AD: Oh, god.

KA: What?

AD: It's HIM again…

acekickDetective [AD] ceased pestering karateAngel [KA] at 06:31

MP: 2h1n-ch4444444n~

AD: What the fuck do you want?

MP: just to w12h you a h4ppy b1rthd4y

AD: How did you know it's my birthday?

AD: I thought you were just some idiot.

AD: Are you a stalker?

MP: m4ybe P:

AD: Fuck off.

MP: 4ren't we a bundle of joy tod4y? 1 thought you'd be h4ppy, cons1der1ng 1t's your b1rthd4y.

AD: I'm not. Now go away.

acekickDetective [AD] ceased being trolled by magiliciousPhantom [MP] at 06:33

MP: w41t, w41t!

acekickDetective [AD] began being trolled by magiliciousPhantom [MP] at 06:33

AD: What?!

MP: 1 h4ve 2ometh1ng 1mport4nt to 24y!

AD: Just get it over with already.

MP: be c4reful tod4y. you're go1ng to h4ve a b1t of 4… 2m4ll problem.

AD: What the fuck does that mean?

MP: spo1lers, Sh1n1ch1. oh, 4nd enjoy your d4te w1th R4n!

magiliciousPhantom [MP] ceased trolling acekickDetective [AD] at 06:34

AD: What?

…

…

God, you hate that douche. He's always screwing with you and for some reason you always answer him. Not to mention his weird fascination with the numbers 1, 2, and 4. At first he was just annoying, but now you're sort of creeped out. You never did know how he learned your name, and now he knows your birthday and Ran's name, too.

Speaking of which, what did he mean by a date? You don't have anything planned with Ran today. At least, you don't think so. Just to be sure, you check your calendar. Sure enough it's blank, aside from Ran's note of Shinichi's Birthday! in pink ink on today's date. You allow yourself to smile fondly and leave for school with a considerable spring in your step.

School passes as normal. You fall asleep in class, are nearly eaten alive by fanbeasts—sorry, fangirls… The attention is actually rather flattering, though Ran tells you your head swells up from it. Embarrassingly enough, you actually checked the mirror once before realizing what she meant. You still haven't lived that day down.

When naptime—er, school—is over, Ran abruptly grabs your hand and drags you to a bus stop, one that is most certainly not the one you typically take home. Indeed, it is going in the wrong direction, but Ran refuses to answer your inquiries so you simply huff and pout until you reach your destination.

"Happy birthday!" She exclaims. She spreads her arms wide as though to present all of Tropical Land to you. You blink at her, and she smiles, broadly but a bit nervously.

Truth be told, you are a bit disappointed. You had been hoping for, oh, a kiss? Or even a hug, a hug would do quite well. But still, you guess the amusement park is a popular "date place", and that thought give you hope.

Your heart all but jumps out of your chest when she grabs your hand and pulls you inside. To your delight, she does not let go. You manage to go through all of three attractions before some jackass from school yells, "Our with your wife, Kudo?" and Ran instantly snatches your hand away.

You glare at the bastard and remind yourself to kick him in the shin tomorrow. No one will ever be the wiser…

Your day is pretty much ruined from then on. You tell yourself to reach out and take Ran's hand over and over but ultimately wimp out every time. Because what if she looks at you strangely? Or worse, what if she pulls her hand away? That would mean immediate rejection and all of your hopes and dreams will be kicked down, stomped on, dragged through the dust, then thrown off a cliff to drown in the ocean and be eaten by bloodthirsty bull sharks where they will then—

Alright, that's enough of your imagery. Ran is now leading you towards the Mystery Coaster, one of your personal favorite. And no, there is absolutely no bias. Having the word 'Mystery' in the name automatically makes it the best-fucking-coaster in the world, but you do legitimately enjoy the ride.

Before you board, two douchebags in stupid black outfits shove a kid aside to get on the coaster. They must REALLY like their rides. Well, you can't blame them, this coaster is the best in the world. Still, shoving a kid is way out of line, and you move forward to tell them off. Immediately the man with the stupidly long hair gives you a glare that sends chills up your spine and makes you back down. You are thankful to find that your seat is nowhere near the creepy bastard's.

As luck would have it, someone got their head chopped off on the ride. How the fuck that happened, you have no idea.

Oh, wait, yes you do. You're a detective, remember? You quickly point out the perp with exaggerated flair and the police take her away. Annnnd, another one bites the dust! Damn, you are really raking in the good karma.

But now Ran is crying and… shit, how the hell do you cheer her up. "This kind of stuff happens all the time!" You try to counsel. She only cries harder.

Stupid, stupid, stupid, what the fuck were you thinking?

Luckily, Creepy Bastard's companion runs by at that moment. You are faced with a choice: continue to spend the night with a crying Ran or abscond like a total loser and follow the man?

ABSCONDABSCONDABSCOND

Feeling like a complete asshole, you run off and leave Ran to somehow trip over her tied shoelaces. Really, the guy is incredibly easy to follow. That all-black outfit and stupid hat sticks out like a sore thumb. And, holy shit you just witnessed an illegal deal. You're about to run off to contact a figure of authority when suddenly something hard strikes you over the head.

You can't really hear them talking, but something about an untested drug registers in your mind. A moment later a pill is being forced down your throat and the two men run off, leaving you to die without really checking what happens to you. Hello, untested drug anyone? They don't really know what it does!

Oh, but you're a bit busy writhing in agony to regard the two assholes with contempt. Somewhere along the way, the pain is too great and you black out.

When you wake again, it is by two concerned and utterly douchey officers that keep calling you "kid" for some reason. God dammit you're in highschool and whythefuckaretheylaughing?

You kick them both in the shin and run off, leaving them to repent for their sins. For some reason, you feel yourself getting tired way too quickly. You lean against a store window to catch your breath and just kind of… happen to look at your reflection…

Holy fuck who is that kid and why does he look at you and whyareyousoshort?!

You proceed to have a miniature panic attack.

At that moment, your phone buzzes. Someone is contacting you on Pesterchum. Hoping its someone who can help you, you answer.

magiliciousPhantom [MP] began trolling acekickDetective [AD] at 22:04

Oh, fuck.

MP: hey, Sh1n1ch1.

MP: or should 1 s4y…

MP: M1N1ch1?

AD: I don't have time for your

AD: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO ME

MP: 1 d1d noth1ng. why 4re you 4ccu21ng me of th12?

MP: :(

AD: DON'T PLAY INNOCENT WITH ME.

AD: I'M A DETECTIVE.

AD: I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE ARE LYING

MP: 1'm not ly1ng.

MP:1 re4lly d1dn't do 4nyth1ng. 1 tr1ed to w4rn you but you ju2t blew me off like some jerky-jerkf4ce

MP: jerk

AD: Ugh.

MP: P:

AD: Alright, whatever. How do I fix this?

MP: 1t'2 a 2ecret~

AD: You fucking bastard.

MP: well… th4t doe2n't me4n 1 won't tell you… but you h4ve to be n1ce.

AD: ….

AD: Please tell me how to fix this?

MP: :)

MP: you h4ve to pl4y the g4me

AD: What game?

MP: THE g4me. you'll f1gure 1t out.

MP: goodn1ght, Sh1n1ch1

magiliciousPhantom [MP] ceased trolling acekickDetective [AD] at 22:11

H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4 H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4H4

Oops, I mean

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

First of all, I must add a new disclaimer to this. I do not own Homestuck, that belongs to Andrew Hussie.

With that done, how did you like this? To those of you who don't know what Homestuck is, this was probably a bunch of (possibly humorous) nonsense. To those of you who do, this might have been a wonderful moment to revel in all the references to that amazing webcomic. :D

I. Regret. Nothing.