THIS GOES OUT TO MY GIRLS WannaBeNinja HER EVIL MINION OF DOOM AND MY FAN GIRL GROUPIE SweetYuya THE REASON FOR SARAH, BLESS YOU Raven06 AND SORRY I FORGOT TO CREDIT YOU FOR SARAH EARLIER, Dark-Flame-Girl AND OF COURSE Castlevania YOU GUYS HAVE STUCK WITH ME ESPECIALLY YOU RAVEN06 YOU ARE MY REASON FOR THE PLAN TO EXTEND THE ELLA AND ALUCARD STORIES INTO CHRONICLES, BUT IF NO ONE ELSE BOTHERS TO REVIEW THEN I WILL WRITE THE STORIES BUT I WILL SEND THEM VIA EMAIL TO THOSE MENTIONED ABOVE
AND THE REST OF YOU WILL SUFFER FROM WITHDRAWALS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW
SO REVIEW OR ELSE READ NO MORE
MWAHAHAHAHAHA
BEGIN
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Two months after the attack and kidnapping Ella had healed nicely and Alucard had recovered completely from the poison as promised Ella kept in touch with Anderson, they had yet to meet again in person, Alucards order
They were currently on their way to a comedy club, it was an open mike night that was going to open with a man who claimed to be the next Billy Connelly and Jim Carrey combined
Ella and Sarah were bouncing up and down
Pip had elected to drive them all there
Surprisingly beside Ella, Sarah, Alucard, Pip and Seras, Integra had elected to come with them
They finally arrived and Pip stopped the car
Before anyone could get out Pip hit the automatic car lock button, this meant that only he could unlock the doors
He started to laugh
Ella frowned
Sarah looked around "What? Did the comedy start early?"
Pip just muttered "That was a good one" and started giggling
Seras smiled at him "What was a good one?"
Suddenly everyone sniffed the air and let out a collective scream
Pip hit the window lock button
Ella and Sarah turned and started clawing at the window
Integra was gasping for breath
Seras covered her mouth and started hitting Pip
Alucard groaned and shadows started to wrap around him
Ella grabbed him and glared "Oh hell no, you're not getting out so easily mister while the rest of us suffer"
Alucard pouted then took a deep breath and started coughing
Integra's eyes were watering and she gasped "NO MORE FOOD FOR YOU PIP, EVER"
Sarah sobbed and started to head butt the window
Ella grabbed her "Sarah NO, that's bullet proof glass, it's impossible for even our kind to shatter and even if you manage it, you could get badly hurt or killed"
Integra looked over "Who cares if it kills her, SARAH KEEP GOING, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BREAK THE WINDOW!"
Pip was still giggling; he reached down and grabbed a piece of paper and a pen
He muttered out loud "June 16, 2008" he looked at his watch "8:40 pm"
He looked around, Seras was clawing at the window, Sarah was head butting her window, Integra looked like she was about to be sick, Alucard was sniffing Ella's hair, and Ella was covering her mouth and nose muttering about a 'happy place'
He grinned and wrote, while speaking aloud mind you "Tonight I did the best SBD car fart in my entire life"
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They finally made it into the comedy club and Sarah and Ella were chattering to each other
Integra looked at the others "Do we risk keeping them together or separate them"
Alucard looked at them "Separate"
Integra nodded "Pip, you and Seras take Sarah, we'll take Ella"
Pip glared "This is for the car fart isn't it?"
Integra smiled
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They were sitting down with Ella and Sarah on opposite sides of the room, when the curtain came up
A man smiled and began to tell knock, knock jokes
No one was laughing
He grabbed at his collar and looked around "So what's the deal with airplane food"
Ella yelled "IT'S FOOD YOU EAT ON AN AIRPLANE"
The man glared at her "It's a rhetorical question like that song, how many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?"
Sarah yelled "SEVEN"
The audience giggled
The man glared "You're not supposed to answer it"
Ella frowned "THEN WHY'D YOU ASK IF YOU DIDN'T WANT AN ANSWER"
The audience laughed
The man glared then looked around "Looks like we have a heckler in the audience"
Ella shook her head "NOPE, I'M AUSTRALIAN, CLOSE THOUGH"
He glared again and snapped "I didn't ask where you came from"
Sarah yelled "BUT YOU GUESSED WRONG SO SHE WAS JUST CORRECTING YOU"
The audience was laughing hard
Alucard lent back and Integra muttered "I wonder how much longer we'll be here until security kicks us out"
Alucard looked over "No need to worry on that count"
Integra frowned and he gestured to the back of the room where the security guards were laughing just as hard as the audience
The man took a deep breath "Look's like some mental patients escaped the asylum"
No one laughed
He swallowed loudly and looked around "Ah, um a dyslexic man walked into a bra"
Sarah started laughing
The comedian smiled
Sarah stood up and yelled "ELLA, GUESS WHAT, THIS GUY IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED, BUT DON'T TELL ANYONE, CAUSE HE MIGHT GET EMBARRASSED"
Ella grinned and yelled back "I WON'T TELL"
Sarah grinned "AFTER HE FARTED HE MOVED AROUND ON HIS SEAT, SO THAT IF ANYONE NEXT TO HIM HEARD IT HE COULD BLAME THE CHAIR"
Ella laughed "DOESN'T HE REALIZE THAT ONLY WORKS ON LEATHER CHAIRS NOT FABRIC?"
Sarah grinned "PROBABLY NOT"
The comedian looked around and spotted Alucard rubbing Ella's back "Hey you in the red, why don't you shut that girl up so I can get back to the show"
Alucard just laughed "SHUT HER UP, SHUT HER UP, I'VE BEEN TRYING TO FOR MONTHS"
The audience laughed
Ella looked around and frowned, she looked back at Sarah "DID THAT DUDE ON STAGE JUST SAY SO THE SHOW CAN CONTINUE"
Sarah nodded "YEP, THAT'S ODD"
Ella nodded back "I DIDN'T THINK THE SHOW HAD STARTED YET"
"IT HASN'T HAS IT?"
The comedian glared "I am trying to work here"
Ella yelled to Sarah "I DIDN'T REALIZE MICROPHONE TESTERS WERE SO PISSY"
Sarah laughed "IT'S PROBABLY HIS FIRST NIGHT, HE DOESN'T REALIZE ALL HE HAS TO DO IS TAP THE MICK AND MUTTER TESTING A COUPLE OF TIMES"
"STRANGE MAN"
The comedian screamed "I AM NOT A MICROPHONE TESTER; I AM ON STAGE TRYING TO WORK THE AUDIENCE"
Ella and Sarah muttered "Oh"
Sarah nodded "HEY ASK ALUCARD WHEN WERE GOING TO GO TO THE COMEDY CLUB, THIS MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER IS CRAP"
Ella frowned "MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER, I THOUGHT HE WAS A LECTURER"
"THAT'S STUPID, WHY WOULD RED DRAG US TO A LECTURE?"
"WELL, WHY WOULD HE DRAG US TO SEE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER?"
"ADURR, TO MOTIVATE US"
"FINE, BE A SMART ASS, I'LL ASK RED, YOU ASK PIP"
Sarah nodded "OKAY, WE'LL MEET BACK HERE IN A MINUTE"
Ella nodded
The audience was absolutely pissing themselves laughing
Ella stood back up "SARAH"
Sarah stood up "WHAT?"
"HE DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING, JUST SLAPPED MY ASS, WHAT ABOUT PIP?"
"HOW THE HELL SHOULD I KNOW IF PIP SLAPPED YOUR ASS?"
"NO NUMB NUTS, WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"OH, MY BAD, HE JUST LAUGHED"
"SO IN OTHER WORDS THE COMEDY CLUB THING WAS A RUSE TO GET US TO THIS MOTIVATIONAL BULLSHIT"
Sarah nodded "I THINK SO"
Ella frowned "I WONDER WHEN IT WILL START?"
Sarah shrugged "I DON'T KNOW, BUT WHEN IT DOES WE HAD BETTER SIT DOWN, WE DON'T WANT TO PISS ANYONE OFF"
"GOOD IDEA"
They were quiet for a moment and Ella yelled "THAT REMINDS ME, SARAH LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY"
Sarah nodded "ALRIGHT, I KNOW WHAT I WANT, IT'S A BOARDGAME BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER THE NAME RIGHT NOW, GIVE ME A MINUTE"
They both sat down and the comedian cleared his throat "A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar"
Sarah jumped up and yelled "HEARD IT"
Ella frowned "WHAT?"
"THAT'S THE GAME I WANT, HEARD IT"
"I THINK YOU MEAN SEEN IT"
"OH, MY BAD"
"WHICH ONE?"
"ALL OF THEM"
"ALL OF THEM? ALRIGHT JUST FOR YOU"
"YAY"
The comedian glared "SECURITY, I WANT THEM OUT NOW!"
Sarah looked around "WOW, THAT MICROPHONE TESTER IS PISSED"
Ella nodded "I WONDER WHO HE'S PISSED AT?"
"DUNNO, THEY MUST BE REALLY ANNOYING"
Ella slapped her own forehead "OH MY GOD, THAT'S IT! ANNOYING"
Sarah frowned "WHAT?"
Ella looked around the room in a way that told everyone she was about to yell out a secret, everyone sat forward to hear, even security
Ella yelled "I HAVE TO GO TO THE GYNECOLOGIST NEXT WEEK, BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON'T TELL YOU KNOW WHO"
Sarah frowned "WHO?"
Ella sighed and pointed to Alucard "HIM, DON'T TELL RED, HE GETS ALL PISSY AT THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER MAN LOOKING AT MY VAGINA"
Sarah giggled "THATS A FUNNY WORD, VAGINA, VAG...I...NA, VAGINA"
Ella laughed "HEY YOU'RE RIGHT IT IS FUNNY, VAGINA, VA...GI...NA, VAGINA"
Sarah and Ella were saying vagina over and over again in different ways
Everyone was just howling with laughter
Sarah looked around "I THINK WE MISSED SOMETHING, PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING"
"MAYBE PIP FARTED AGAIN?"
Sarah shook her head "NAH, IF PIP FARTED AGAIN PEOPLE WOULD BE RUNNING SCREAMING NOT LAUGHING"
"TRUE"
"VAGINA"
"PENIS"
"VAGINA"
"TEST...ICLES"
"HEHE TESTICLES"
"WHAT'D YA RECKON IT WOULD BE LIKE TO HAVE TESTICLES"
Sarah grinned "I THINK I'D HAVE A BALL...OR TWO"
Ella laughed until tears ran down her face "I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, OH GOD, IT'S TIMES LIKE THIS I WISH WE REALLY WERE AT A COMEDY CLUB"
"WHAT DO YOU SAY WE DITCH THIS PLACE AND FIND A COMEDY CLUB, APPARENTLY THERE IS A REALLY FUNNY COMEDIAN ABOUT THE SCENE"
"THAT'D BE AWESOME, I WISH HE WAS ON STAGE NOW"
The comedian yelled "I AM ON STAGE"
Sarah glared at him "EXCUSE ME, WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A PRIVATE CONVERSATION HERE"
Ella nodded "JEEZE BUDDY, IT'S CALLED MANNERS, YOU'VE TESTED THE MICROPHONE NOW GO AWAY"
Sarah sighed "SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP"
Ella nodded again "TELL ME ABOUT IT"
"I JUST DID"
"MY, BAD"
The comedian yelled "WHAT ARE THE TWO OF YOU FUCKING RETARDED, STUPID FUCKING BITCHES"
Alucard stood up and the room darkened, everyone held their breath and looked at him, they could all feel the evil inside him
He looked at the comedian and said in a soft and dangerous tone of voice "No one, but no one calls my woman and her friend stupid but me, and to call them bitches is the biggest mistake"
Ella sighed
Sarah yelled "GOD HE'S ROMANTIC"
Ella nodded "I KNOW, IT'S THINGS LIKE THAT, THAT MAKE ME ALL GOOEY INSIDE AND HAPPY I'M MARRYING HIM"
A woman in front of her turned "You're getting married, congratulations"
Ella grinned "Thanks wanna see the ring?"
She nodded
Ella showed her
The woman muttered "Wow, it's interesting, but it's beautiful"
Ella grinned "Thanks, so what are you doing here?"
The woman grinned "Like you I was tricked into thinking this was a comedy club"
Ella shook her head "HEY SARAH"
"WHAT?"
"THIS NICE WOMAN IN FRONT OF ME JUST SAID SHE WAS ALSO TRICKED INTO THINKING SHE WAS GOING TO A COMEDY CLUB"
"THAT'S A SHAME, I WONDER HOW MANY OTHERS THOUGHT THAT"
The entire audience put up their hands
Ella shook her head "IT'S SAD, JUST SAD, THESE PEOPLE PAY FOR COMEDY AND JUST GET A PISSY MICROPHONE TESTER"
Sarah sighed "WHAT'S THE WORLD COMING TO?"
"WANNA BAIL?"
"YEAH LET'S BAIL, THIS IS SHIT"
"I'LL SEE IF RED AND INTEGRA WANNA BAIL TOO"
"I'LL CHECK WITH PIP AND SERAS"
Ella stood back up "YEP, THEY WANT TO BAIL TOO"
Sarah nodded "SAME HERE, LETS GO"
The audience groaned and muttered "NOOOO"
The Hellsing group stood up to leave
So did the rest of the audience
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They were outside when a short fat man ran up to them "MISS, MISS"
He ran straight into Alucard and Ella muttered "Nope, you got him"
He blushed and smiled as Ella helped him up "So sorry about that"
She shrugged "What can I do you for?"
He smiled and held out two cards "These are for you and your lovely friend over there"
Ella and Sarah each took a card and looked down "What is it?"
The man smiled "Life time free passes, the two of you saved this show tonight and I don't know how else to thank you"
Ella frowned "Wha?"
He smiled at her and shook her hand "If it wasn't for you and your friend here, the audience would have eaten me alive, but now they believe that what the heard between the two of you was worth every penny and pound spent"
Ella nodded slowly "o...Kay"
He grinned "You're more then welcome when ever you wish"
She nodded again "Um...thanks"
"That's quite alright, have a good evening"
"Thanks"
He left and Ella and Sarah stared at the cards in bewilderment
Ella looked up "Why would that man give us life time membership cards to a motivational seminar?"
Alucard laughed and steered them both to the car
Sarah shook her head "You British are a strange race"
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Ella snuggled closer to Alucard, Poe jumped up on the bed and settled down on Alucards chest and curled up
Ella smiled and closed her eyes
Alucard nudged her "How much longer till the wedding?"
She yawned "Couple of months, why?"
He shrugged "Just curious"
She frowned "Why?"
He let out a sigh "Maybe I just kinda sorta want you to be my wife"
She looked at him "Why Red, I think that has to be one of the most romantic things you've ever said since you first told me you loved me when you thought I was dying, then told me for a second time when you thought you were dying"
He shrugged "Don't want you to get to used to the idea, it's my secret weapon"
She frowned "What? Telling me you love me?"
He nodded "It's my ace in the hole"
She muttered "Huh" and shook her head "You men really are from Mars"
He glared "What does that mean, you hardly ever say you love me, in fact you've only said it twice to me"
She frowned "Really?"
He shrugged again "I think so"
She muttered "huh" again and settled back down "Guess it's my ace in the hole too"
He sighed "Strange alien creatures"
She frowned "Wha?"
"Women, strange alien creatures"
She smiled "True, but we're prettier"
"No, not that you're not stunningly beautiful to me, but its you're tits and ass that win me over"
She glared "What if I get fat or my tits and ass decide to migrate south?"
He smiled and kissed her nose "I guess I'll just have to trade you in for a newer model"
She glared "Do so and you'll have nothing south"
He frowned "You know Sarah isn't that hard on the eyes"
She tapped her nails on his chest "Ah huh"
"Maybe she'll age better"
The tapping got faster
He smiled at her "That'd make you feel better right?"
She stopped tapping her nails and made a claw "What?"
He grinned evilly "If I trade you in for your best friend, you know, kick you out of my bed and drag her in"
In reply she dug her nails into his skin and ripped down
"OW"
She grinned and gently picked up Poe and dropped her on the ground, she straddled Alucard and felt his hardness against her thigh
She raised an eyebrow "What's this?"
He smiled "I must be a sick man to be turned on by you maiming my body"
She laughed and removed the sheet, she bent down and lapped at the blood on his chest, her hand reached down and she cupped him gently "Mmmmm, like honey"
He let out a groan as she wrapped her hand around him and began top move it up and down
She moved lower, kissing his stomach as she slowly moved down
She licked the length of him and used her tongue to circle the tip of his cock
He looked down and saw she was staring at his face; she looked into his eyes as she brought him into her warm moist mouth and sucked lightly, all the while running her hand around the shaft
When he could take no more he grabbed her shoulders and pulled her up to him
He pushed her onto her back and moved his hands down, he nearly shouted in relief when he found her slick and ready for him, he entered her in one swift thrust and grabbed her hips tightly
She wrapped her legs around his waist sat up so she straddled him; she moved her hips back and forth, riding him hard
He pulled her off and turned her around, he positioned himself entered her slick wet passage, she arched her back, he grabbed her hair and bent over her body, pistoning his hips, faster and faster
She moaned and he bit into her shoulder in the ancient dominating mating rituals of animals, she felt a drop of blood slide down her shoulder to her breast and moaned again
She felt an orgasm approaching and started gasping and begging for more,
He obeyed slamming into her harder; he withdrew nearly the entire way then slammed into her once more before they both reached simultaneous relief
She collapsed from his weight, his body pinning hers down, his teeth still in her shoulder, his cock still pulsating inside her
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After a while he licked the bite mark closed and rolled off her onto his back,
She grinned at him "Still going to replace me"
He let out a laugh "After that I'm thinking of chaining you naked to my bed and I might also threaten to leave you every night too"
She sighed then grimaced "I need a shower"
He laughed "Animalistic sex at it best, satisfying but messy as hell"
She yawned "I have a feeling tomorrow I'm going to be sore in places I never knew existed"
He got up and picked her up, carrying her into the bathroom he turned on the shower "Not to worry, by the time we're married I hope to have fully explored every part of you"
Ella screwed up her nose "One area you are never going to explore mister"
He carried her underneath the warm water spraying down "Don't worry, you have a nice ass, a great ass, but I am not going in"
She sighed "Thank Christ"
After a while she looked at him "Red, tell me the truth"
He looked down "Why so serious?"
"Just answer me please"
"What is it?"
"Were we really at a motivational seminar?"
He grinned "No"
She smiled "I can't wait to tell Sarah I was right, but Red?"
"What?"
"Why the hell did you take us to a lecture?"
He laughed "My little mental never change or get smarter"
She smiled "You can count on it"
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She was half asleep when what he said fully registered
Ella gasped and hit him "HEY"
Alucard knew she finally got it and started to laugh