Wanted to get this one out to you fast, I hope this is still making sense?

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37.

June 23, 2003

The first morning after their first date was everything Elliot had hoped it would be. He was up first, which he had already accepted as the norm, and was making breakfast when Olivia strolled into the kitchen in her silky robe, her hair still messy from sleep. She had apparently slept well again. When she joined him at the kitchen counter, she put a hand on his back lightly and Elliot knew the gesture meant that touching was okay this morning. She stood next to him and they both turned their faces towards each other simultaneously. Without hesitation, Elliot leaned in to capture her lips with his. It was just a small kiss but it meant the world to him. To both of them. Olivia smiled and started helping him as if they had been waking up together for years.

They had a lazy Sunday and the later it got, the more Olivia began to dread going back to the hotel. She had slept reasonably well again and was trying to stay awake all day. She wondered what she would do all day long once she was back in her hotel room, alone. Cragen and Nick had called a few times and she'd like to see them, but she would still be alone a lot. And with this new thing between her and Elliot, she wasn't sure what to do or how to address the issue.

They were relaxing on the couch. Elliot was watching a baseball game on TV and Olivia was doing hand exercises with the red ball while reading a magazine. She was sitting sideways on the couch, her feet in Elliot's lap. Olivia looked up when Elliot suddenly suggested starting to get her back into shape by going for a short run in the afternoon. She told him she didn't have her running shoes with her and Elliot wanted to go to her apartment to get them. Olivia explained to him they couldn't go there since it was still a crime scene, and she wasn't ready to go back there either. He asked her what size she had, and picked up his phone.

"Who are you calling?" Olivia asked.

"Kathleen. I think she's about your size."

Before Olivia could object, Kathleen had picked up and Elliot explained the situation to his daughter. Kathleen confirmed that she had an extra pair of running shoes in the right size and invited them to come over right away. Elliot looked at Olivia, unsure if she'd be up for it.

"What El?"

"Kathleen has shoes for you. You want to go with me to pick them up?"

Kathleen added that she was really looking forward to seeing Olivia, and he relayed the message. Olivia smiled and nodded. She had a weak spot for Kathleen and would actually love to see the young woman again.

"Kathleen, we can be there in an hour. That okay?"

It was more than okay and they got up to get ready. Elliot told her she should keep on her sweats, so they could walk the shoes in right away.

"I'm not walking all the way back here," Olivia said shocked, and Elliot laughed.

"No, of course not. I thought we could take the subway there and walk a few blocks on our way back."

The subway. Olivia hadn't used the subway since the assault and she wasn't sure how that would go. Elliot could see the apprehension in her face and walked up to her, putting a hand on her back reassuringly.

"You'll be fine Liv. And I'll be with you all the way."

She smiled and leaned into his arm, putting her arms around his waist.

"I know. Just ... don't be shocked if I freak out anyway, okay. I have no idea what will happen to me in a crowd."

Elliot put his other arm around her and kissed her forehead gently.

"Do you have any idea how proud I am of you?" he asked her, and she could hear the emotion in his voice.

She looked into his eyes, that reflected his smile and his sincerity.

"I know how hard it is for you to admit you can't do things, to acknowledge it and say it out loud."

Olivia leaned her forehead against his shoulder, feeling more and more at home right there, in his arms, each time he held her.

"I'm only telling you El," she said softly, "because you know me. You know I'm not weak, so I don't always have to be strong with you."

It was true. She was finally figuring out why she wasn't afraid to show her weakness with Elliot. It was because he knew her. He knew how strong she really was. He was probably the only person in the world who really knew her. He even knew her darkest secrets and he still loved her. That was why she knew they would be alright in the end. She lifted her head to look at Elliot and their eyes met again. Elliot tilted his head slightly to kiss her cheek but she turned her head so his lips landed on hers.

He smiled shyly but really didn't mind that she had changed his small gesture into something else. He kissed her softly again and she sighed contently.

"I could get used to this."

"Me too."

His bright blues were staring into her deep browns and time stopped for a minute, just for them. Their wordless conversation lifted them from their less than perfect circumstances to another time an place, where all would be well. They had come such a long way and they were closer than ever before. Elliot cupped her face with his hands and kissed her one more time before taking a deep breath.

"Running shoes," he said, trying to bring them back to the present.

"Right. Running shoes. Subway," Olivia replied, smiling widely.

She started walking to her room to grab a sweater and Elliot gave her a gentle slap on the butt. She laughed and felt her stomach flutter again. She'd be fine in the subway, as long as he was with her.

...

Olivia had been more tense than she had expected and the subway was more crowded than she'd hoped on a Sunday afternoon, but she had done it. They had to stand part of the way and Elliot had put his arms around her from behind protectively. It had helped and she'd held on to his hand on the busy platforms. She was relieved when they were finally above ground again though. It was a three block walk to Kathleen's building and it gave her enough time to calm down and find her balance again.

Kathleen greeted her warmly, giving her a spontaneous hug even before greeting her father.

"You look great Olivia, considering what you've been through."

Kathleen had never been the most subtle of the Stabler clan.

"Must be because dad is taking care of you now."

Definitely not subtle. They both just laughed it off and accepted a cup of tea. Kathleen had already dug the white and pink running shoes from her closet and Elliot grinned. Not exactly Olivia's color he knew, but Olivia didn't give anything away and accepted the shoes happily. Kathleen insisted she try them on right away and Olivia kicked off her black and white sneakers to try on the girly walking shoes. They fit well and she was looking forward to getting some exercise again.

When asked, Olivia told Kathleen a little about what had happened to her, but Elliot could tell she wasn't comfortable with sharing too many details. When Kathleen concluded it must have been very scary, Olivia told her it was and that she'd been convinced she was going to die.

"So you must consider each new day a gift then," Kathleen said. "You've been given another shot at life. Better make the most of it."

Olivia smiled and her eyes met Elliot's briefly. It was a fresh way of looking at things and she liked it.

"I plan to Kathleen," she assured the young blonde.

"Good. And I'm sure my handsome daddy here will be happy to do his part, right dad?"

Elliot grinned and winked at Olivia. He was definitely going to try.

"By the way dad, did you know mom asked if she could stay with me next week?"

Olivia tried not to let either Stabler see her discomfort. She guessed Elliot had spoken with his wife already.

"I only have a very tiny guest room with a folding bed but she said Eli would be staying with you. Is that right?" Kathleen asked.

Elliot told his daughter that she hadn't let him know about her final plans, just that she'd ask Kathleen and Maureen if they could put her up.

"I told her she could stay with me as well, but I guess she doesn't want to," Elliot concluded.

Kathleen glanced at Olivia, who had gotten up and was walking around, taking in the modest apartment.

"Well ..." his daughter said hesitantly. "I'm not sure I could blame her. I mean, it's all still a little fresh, right?"

"You mean your mom and me splitting up," Elliot said quickly.

"Yeah, that too," Kathleen said, frowning at her father and then glancing at Olivia again.

"How do they walk Liv?" Elliot asked her, pointing at the shoes and hoping Kathleen would just drop their little conversation. He wasn't quite ready to talk about him and Olivia, certainly not now that he knew Kathy might be staying with Kathleen. If Kathy needed to be told anything, he would do it himself. He hoped Kathleen would understand that because he wasn't going to mention it in Olivia's presence.

...

They stayed with Kathleen for another hour and Elliot could tell Olivia was enjoying their visit. Kathleen told them all about her legal assistant internship and her prospects of a regular job at the firm where she worked. She wanted to work for the prosecution eventually but was happy to be making her first small steps while she was still studying for her law degree. When they left, Kathleen made them promise to come back soon and she wished her father good luck with his job interview that Tuesday.

"Right, I forgot," Olivia said as they walked back to the subway station. "What time is your interview Tuesday?"

"Eleven AM," he replied.

"Okay. Let me know how it went."

Elliot glanced at her as they walked, wondering if she was really going back to the hotel that evening. He knew she didn't have a therapy session on Monday. She had sessions on Tuesdays and Fridays now. He hoped she would stay with him, not only for himself but also for her. She really was doing better at his place but he wasn't sure how to bring it up without making it sound like it was what he wanted. He watched her as they boarded the subway train and could tell she was more relaxed than she was on the way over to Kathleen's. As agreed, they got off the train a stop early, and would walk the rest of the way.

Olivia was eager to start walking and working out again and as they started walking at a brisk pace for a block before they would actually start running, he suggested she come with him on Monday to sign up at the gym. He was going to sign up whether he got the job or not, and he hoped Olivia would sign up there as well so they could work out together.

"Tomorrow?" Olivia said, feeling a nervous twitch in her stomach.

"Yeah. I know you have therapy Tuesday and I have my interview on Tuesday too, so I thought we could go tomorrow."

They picked up the pace and started running slowly for a block and it gave Olivia some time to think about Elliot's suggestion and her own plans. When Elliot invited her over for the weekend, she had assumed she was going home on Sunday evening. When she thought of the impersonal hotel room, she frowned. She didn't have anything there. But she couldn't get in the way of Elliot's family. She wouldn't.

"Liv?" Elliot asked as they slowed down again, and went back to walking a block.

"I should be getting back to the hotel," she said, not looking at Elliot.

"Says who?" he asked, and the urgency in his voice prompted her to stop walking and look at him. She was slightly out of breath but it wasn't just from running.

"I ... I don't want to be in the way El. Your son is coming ..."

"Saturday," Elliot interrupted her. "He's coming on Saturday. Today is Sunday. You're going back to that hotel for a whole week just to not get in the way of Eli who isn't even here yet? And who is dying to see you, by the way?"

He had sounded harsher than he had intended, and Olivia took a step back. He knew she wasn't just creating physical distance between them but emotional distance as well, and he already regretted his small outburst. Whenever Olivia seemed to be strong and balanced, he had a tendency to forget she was still very vulnerable. His partner Olivia Benson didn't shy away from confrontation and he was used to being able to push her. His friend Liv, survivor of a violent assault, responded differently and he should have realized that.

Elliot stepped closer to her, wanting to apologize but Olivia brushed him off.

"Let's just keep walking," she said and her voice had sounded neutral. But he'd seen it in her eyes. Her defensive walls were coming up and he needed to think of something quick to keep her from shutting him out completely.

They walked in silence for half a block before Elliot spoke again. Somehow, walking side by side made it easier for him to say what he wanted to say.

"Liv, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, okay? I'm just not sure if that hotel room is the best place for you right now. I won't deny I like having you around but ... but that's not why I'm asking you to reconsider. Just ... think about it, okay? It's up to you. Just know that you will always, always be welcome at my place."

Olivia was trying to believe what he was saying but she was tired and her mind was on a negative spin at the moment. She remembered again how quickly Brian had crumbled just by being around her. And she remembered Elliot's frustration the day before, after her nightmare. And now he was frustrated with her again. She didn't want to upset him or upset his life. It wasn't just about her. No matter how often Dr. Lindstrom said it wasn't selfish to think about her own needs, she would always think of the needs of others as well. Especially of the people she loved. And she did love him, so much. He was doing absolutely everything right, showing her he loved her too but it was as if she just couldn't accept it. She could only see how much of a burden she was being and the words had left her mouth before she realized it.

"You say that now but in time, you'll get tired of me."

"What?!"

They both stopped walking abruptly and Elliot grabbed Olivia's arm and spun her around to face him. Her first instinct was to fight him and she yanked her arm out of his grasp and took a step back.

"See! You can't stand to be around me already!" she yelled, her voice thick with emotion. "It's not gonna be all lovey-dovey now Elliot. I'm still me you know and I'm struggling ... really struggling to find some solid ground again. You don't need this ... you don't need me around. I'll just end up hurting you and ..."

"Stop!"

Elliot had cut her off again and she stopped talking, but he didn't know what to say. He had no idea where all of this was coming from. He just wanted to shake some sense into her but he knew from the way she was glaring at him that he definitely should not touch her right now. His hands were balled into fists and he was breathing heavily, trying to reign in his anger. He knew he wasn't really angry at Olivia but in a way he was. Why did she have to make everything so difficult? Why couldn't she see that he would never get tired of her? That he was madly in love with her and had been for years? That he knew perfectly well what he was getting himself into with her? Communicate with words. They were still learning to do that. If she couldn't see or guess it, he would have to tell her.

"Well? That's it? Stop?"

Olivia had been waiting for him to speak up but was obviously fed up now.

"I'm going to finish this walk and then I'm going to pack my bag," she threw at him before turning around and starting to jog away.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and kick and hit something. How did they even get here, into a fight in the middle of the street? Her mind was a mess and all she wanted was to get away. Away from everything and everyone. She ran faster but her body was beginning to protest. The muscles in her legs were burning and her chest was beginning to hurt. In stead of slowing down, she tried to run even faster when she heard Elliot's footsteps getting closer. She was gasping for breath by now and walking on pure adrenaline. Her surroundings were a blur and she was beginning to feel dizzy. She lost her footing and stumbled forwards. No. No no no! She was falling.

Elliot gasped when he saw Olivia hit the pavement with a thud and he skidded to a halt next to her. She was groaning and he was relieved that she was conscious, even if it meant she would be in pain. He heard her grunt 'no, no,' and kneeled next to her.

"Liv? Where does it hurt? You think you can stand?"

"Shoulder," she croaked and it was all he needed to know. He rolled her onto her back and scooped her up, one arm supporting her back and the other one supporting her legs at the knees. Olivia groaned again, her head lolling a bit until it came to a stop against his shoulder.

"I've got you Liv," he said softly as he walked the last two blocks to his apartment carrying her. "It'll take a hell of a lot more to get rid of me."

A soft 'hmphf' told him Olivia had heard and understood his comment and he grinned. They would need to talk but there was no way she was going back to the hotel tonight.

...

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Their first fight After, and it's not over yet. What do you think of unstable Liv? Leave a review or shoot me a PM to let me know!