Jia Chong,
*giant tea stain Yi has spit onto the paper*
I am very very very confused. You what and he what and you are what?
Jia Chong,
Do you need me to give you preliminary school sex education?! There is no way a man could get pregnant no matter how hard you jam up a penis up there! (Unless Kagura decided to play a really messed-up joke.)
Dear Kagura,
Did you make Emo Failure have a uterus?
Kagura,
I know, this man is claiming to be pregnant, but I think his emo side is showing though.
Kagura,
Are you sure your magic buddies didn't do this?
Kagura,
Now where can I reach Zuo Ci? I doubt he uses telegrams.
Kagura,
Okay, I'll let you try to ask him.
Kagura,
Well, thank you for your "time". (Well, Zuo Ci didn't do it.)
Dear Zhao,
Why are you even married to Yuanji? Jia Chong here said you two touched willies, so I might as well break off your marriage and give her to Shi. Yuanji's kindness would not go to waste if I send her to be with him. (And I have a perfect reason to disown you and cut you out of my will.)
Zhao,
Oh? Then why was Emo Failure saying you two jammed rods up your bums and now for some reason a fetus is growing in his womb?
Zhao,
I hope you're telling the truth here.
Dear Jia Chong,
I thought you were homosexual for dead things, not big idiot buffoons.
Jia Chong,
Huh? You just sent me a letter that said you were pregnant!
Lord Sima Yi,
You do know men cannot bear children? Do I need to give you preliminary school sex education?
Jia Chong
Jia Chong,
(I 'oughta... I just-I just fucking said that!) Then tell me about this letter!
*attached was the "Jia Chong was pregnant" letter*
Lord Sima Yi,
This is not how I write. There are missing periods and there are run-on sentences along with a couple of misspelled words.
Jia Chong
Jia Chong,
Oh, since when did you become a grammar aficionado?
Lord Sima Yi,
You're not?
Jia Chong
Jia Chong,
That's not the point! I want to know if you slept with my son and now have a bun in the oven.
Lord Sima Yi,
UGH! NO! UGH! HOW COULD YOU THINK THAT?! UGH! I have standards, you know! And I use intestines as my garden hose! Ugh! I've got to hit rock bottom to be... uuggggguhhh...
*vomit stain*
*imagine him saying this in a sassy voice* You na-sty.
Jia Chong
Jia Chong,
No,no,no,no! I got this letter from you and... (Great, I now look like I have something wrong with me.)
Zhao,
Well, you were telling the truth after all. The question is who wrote this?
Zhao,
Huh? You have an idea? That's a first.
Zhao,
Okaaaaaay, I'll see about this.
Dear Bao Sanniang,
Keep your homo stories in Shu. I don't want that shit here. And you need a lesson on the male and female bodies. MEN. DON'T. HAVE. UTERI. MEN HAVE DICKS. THEY USE DICKS TO PLANT SEEDS INTO UTERI. THAT ARE IN WOMEN. AND ONLY WOMEN.
Bao Sanniang,
I am going to kill every cat there unless you get rid of that homosexual story of me and Cao Pi. And the Zhang He ones. And the Xiahou Dun ones. (This exists?!) And the Xu Huang ones. (WHAT? THIS EXISTS?! HE EXISTS?!) And the Zhuge Liang ones. ESPECIALLY THOSE. And the Zhao and Shi ones... (Uhggggggggggggggh...)
Bao Sanniang,
Ugh, you're worse than those fangirls. I have this cat here and I will cut its foot off if you don't get rid of at least one.
Bao Sanniang,
You will destroy every single one.
Bao Sanniang,
I don't give two shits about your followers! Just because I work with a workforce made of mostly men excluding Wang Yi doesn't mean I have things for all of them! You do know women can't work in my line of work? (Excluding Wang Yi.) But for you, I could only assume you have soooooooooooooooo much free time since you are a totally useless little girl that gets in the way of Shu's progress. It's people like you that makes Wei superior.
Bao Sanniang,
Oh? Why don't you cry about it, you little baby?
Bao Sanniang,
Ha! Joke's on you! My wife's possibly homosexual! She won't enjoy that gay story of me and Cao Pi!
Bao Sanniang,
Not lesbian women. They enjoy anything involving a women. And gay porn is not what they want!
Bao Sanniang,
She's just converted to lesbian-ism! (I'm laughing at myself for even making this word up... Kmphhahaha!...)
Bao Sanniang,
She has a nice ass and I do not want to lose that. (She does...)
Bao Sanniang,
Go ahead! Try! Nothing's stopping you!
Father, (No! How are you alive?! I thought Mother killed you!)
No,no,no,no,no! I'm fine! You can stay home and live out the days of your old life! No need to worry about me! And I didn't call Chunhua a hag. That was slander to make me seen more like an asshole then I'm already am. (Please, the only thing I've ever called her was "bitch." And I didn't even mean it. And it was right to her face. Though I got a blow to the groin after that...)
Father,
I'm really good here! You can ask Lord Cao Cao!
Father,
I... uh... I prefer calling him Lord because I feel a little awkward calling him "Uncle"... (No! It's because I'm a grown man!)
Father,
My wife? She's fine.
Father,
She's 30! Anything I have done to her was very legal by then!
Father,
S-so, where are you planning to stay in?
Father,
M-my house? (Crap, it's still looking like ash! I'll need to reform it before he gets there!) Of course! I wasn't planning to let you sleep outside of course!
Dear Chunhua,
Guess who's coming over? My father.
Chunhua,
I know. This means lock Zhao in the basement and borrow Cao Pi to be the replacement son.
Chunhua,
Oh right, he knows Cao Pi already. Who else?
Chunhua,
Xiahou Ba's the type of boy to make my father disappointed in me.
Chunhua,
Deng Ai is...er... well...he is young... but... heh... Don't you think he's a bit... out of place...?
Chunhua,
Ah! I've got it! Dress Yuanji up in men's clothing and make her face look as masculine as possible! Dye her hair too since blonde hair doesn't run in either of our families.
Father,
So nice of you to drop by! As you can see, the family home is still in good shape!
Father,
My brother...? Oh yeah! I almost forgot about Fu for a minute there!
Dear Fu,
Get the f here. Our father's here.
Father,
Why don't I have more children...? (I don't know, considering how much I get hit "down there", my children are already dead.) Um... I don't know...
Father,
I know Chunhua is pretty for a woman from a middle-class family, but I cannot just do it every now and again. I do have work. (Huff, you humped the life out of Mother.)
Father,
What? No! I'm not a pencil-pusher! (Half the time.) I am at the front lines helping Lord Cao Cao by advising him! I'm his right-hand man, you can say! (Next to Xiahou Dun, Xiahou Yuan, Xun Yu, and Guo Jia anyway...)
Father,
This is Shi and this is Zhao!
"Zhao",
Shut up and say hi to your grandfather.
"Zhao",
Be glad I am even acknowledging you to be posing as Zhao! I could have gotten Xiahou Ba!
"Zhao",
Okay, I wouldn't. But just do this. If not for me, for my wife. She is suffering as much I am with this man around us. She is scared of him. He's the only person alive that she fears. That's how powerful and cruel my father is. You don't want to see anything bad happen to her, no?
"Zhao",
Wow, you are really making this hard for me. I made up that last part in order to guilt you. My father would never hurt her since he always wanted a girl, but he got eight boys.
Zhao, *the real one and he doesn't know about Yuanji posing as him*
Find the rats! They're chewing up the foundation! I feel this house crumbling as we speak!
Zhao,
Look harder! Those little furballs are fast little things!
Zhao,
Kill the king rat! It'll make everything easier! (There is no king rat.)
Zhao,
You can find your way around the basement. Just slash when you hear a squeak.
Father,
I know they are rather skinny. (Despite their diets being that of goddamn meatbuns, I'm confused on how Shi keeps his figure.)
Father,
(Oh... You're saying that me and my sons being skinny is a bad thing...) What? Did you want fatasses as grandsons?
Father,
I do feed them! It's just they eat what they need to eat! (I have no idea what Zhao's been eating...)
Father,
Huh? What? Wait a minute... (THAT'S THE GAY STORY THAT GIRL WAS TRYING TO SEND! Just fucking great!) That's... a concubine's...
Father,
Trust me, I am not gay! That thing is slander and lies!
Father,
Oh, my concubines are such perverts! I don't know why two men kissing is considered sexy.
Father,
Purple is unisex! I wear this to show I am richer than everyone that sees me.
Father,
Of course I get turned on by a set of breasts!
Father,
Eh? Um... It's uncomfortable for me and her to... in front of you...
Father,
Okay... (Wow, I'm FORCED to look at a women's body. Most of the time I get smacked into the wall if I walk in Chunhua changing. Which I don't understand. I already know what you look like nude, so why bother preventing me from looking?)
Chunhua,
Yeeeeeah... That's what my father told me to do with you... Just give me a quick look and see what happens.
Chunhua,
I'm not that old to be NOT getting one! Besides, I have the body of a 20-year old, so it'll be fine.
Chunhua,
*giant red stain*
Maybe a little more time is need for me to...
Chunhua,
*crater in the paper that resembles a face*
Oh, fine. Even when I am forced to look at you, you still won't allow me have a taste of your "forbidden fruit."
*paper was later jammed into Yi's throat*
(Ugck! Ink in my throat! Ink in my throat!)
Father,
She didn't let me get further.
Father,
I can't do that. It's still considered rape if you're married and the woman is not willing.
Father,
...You know, why are you making us give you a free show?
Father,
(I guess it's like me when I want Chunhua and Wang Yi doing it.) I don't know, my sons are there and... we don't like it when people are watching...
Father,
And that's an image I do not want to remember! (I once walked in on Father and Mother... uuuuuggggggh...)
Shi,
You have walked in on me and your mother? When? (Wow, you're very quiet. But then again... it could be that bed creaking that made me didn't hear you.)
Father,
*crooked because Shi's trembling*
Many... times... Zhao... too... has seen... you... and... I also walked in on him and Yuanji... as well...
Your son
Shi,
Oh... But why did you keep quiet and not yell out when you saw the coitus happening?
*he did not get an answer*
Father,
Is it enough for you for me to slap her butt?
Father,
Okay then.
Chunhua,
Turn around, you have a "kick me" sign on your back.
*drywall pieces over the paper*
Father,
I did it! Of course Chunhua threw me against the wall, but I did it! (I just felt the flower decoration on her dress mostly, bummer.)
Chunhua,
Oh, this gay story? Yeah, this girl decided it would be funny to be making this image of me.
Chunhua,
It has Cao Pi and me...ugggggggggggh...
Chunhua,
Why do you want it?
Chunhua,
We have wood. You can use that to kindle the fires-Wait, you can just burn this. Here.