Chapter 37

June 1872

The branches on the tree outside Lou's kitchen window were covered with buds about to open, and she breathed in the soft spring scent from outside. She loved that smell of spring, that damp freshness covering everything that signified a new beginning for the world, the awakening of new life. She smiled to hear Isa's blithe singing outside, as Jed pushed her on the wooden swing from that very tree. But her smile faded when she saw Jed's face. Yes, he was obligingly helping his sister, but his face was blank and sad. Lou knew the reason well enough, thinking back.

The boy had been despondent, more so since Natalie's wedding to Abraham Simpson a month ago. It had been a small affair, and Natalie and Abe had not invited Jed or Isa, devastating the young boy. He had been in town when Natalie, beautiful in her wedding gown, had left the church surrounded by the five Simpson boys, who ranged like steps from five to eleven years of age, all beaming with happiness after five long years of motherlessness, cold thrown-together meals and an untidy house. Lou could see the five boys' clothes were now impeccably cleaned instead of threadbare and roughly patched, and they had clustered around their beautiful new mother like bees around a flower. Jed's face had fallen with despair at seeing his own dream come true for the other boys, and it had broken Lou's heart doubly to see both his jealousy and his pain.

The singing had stopped and Lou stood drying her dishes at the window, catching bits of Isa's and Jed's conversation.

"What are you moping about today?" Isa demanded a little crossly. "It's springtime and a beautiful day. Why don't you snap out of it?"

"Every spring up to now I brought Natalie daffodils," he said dully. "This year ..."

"Bring them to Ma," Isa said promptly.

"You don't understand," Jed said, turning away and facing the tree trunk. "It was something special I did with Natalie, and she's gone. And I haven't even seen her since she married Mr. Simpson, except in church, and Billy and Elijah and the others never let her out of their sight, I can't even get near her to say hello. I miss her so much," he choked.

"You'd better get used to it," Isa said pragmatically. "She doesn't work here anymore and she's busy enough, I'd reckon, with a husband and all those boys to take care of."

Lou set her last cup on the shelf and carefully hung up her apron. Her work for the morning was finished, and she had some errands to run in town. Watching Isa and Jed, she sighed, warring with herself. She had fired Natalie, thinking it was best for her marriage and her family. For herself. But by doing so, she had driven away the closest thing to a mother Jed had ever known for many years. She wondered if it had been selfish of her ... but she had not expected that Natalie would cut ties so completely as she had. Lou dropped her eyes to the counter she was polishing ... and admitted to herself, that it was exactly, exactly what she had hoped would happen. In spite of the fact that it would be painful for Jed.

Making up her mind, she called out the window. "Jed? Isa?"

"Meet me at the buckboard. We're going to town to see Natalie."

Half an hour later, Lou and Jed were driving up to the Simpson place, as Isa had shrugged and asked if she might stay home and work in the corner of the garden that was designated as hers instead, when the plan to visit Natalie was suggested. Lou looked over the large farm where Natalie was now the mistress instead of the servant. New curtains were bobbing in the half-open windows now, and the henhouse and outhouse were newly whitewashed. The place looked wonderful, Lou admitted to herself, and she glanced sadly at Jed's thrilled face next to her. "Here we are."

Jed leaped down from the buckboard, clutching a huge bouquet of daffodils in his hands, and ran up the steps with them eagerly as Lou lingered at the bottom. At the boy's knock on the door, Natalie opened it and stared with a peculiar expression on her face at Jed.

"The boys are fishing today, Jed," she said slowly, her eyes flickering to Lou. Her eyes and features remained cold, but Natalie was surprised to see the small bump evident in Louise's middle. Whenever she went to church with her new husband and boys, she avoided looking at the family she had considered hers once… especially at Louise McCloud. And now seeing that the woman was expecting another baby, something which Natalie couldn't dream about, made her jealousy soar. "I'll tell them you stopped by to play, though."

"I'm here to see you," Jed explained. "And give you your daffodils."

The woman's eyes went back to Jed, to the flowers he was holding out. "Give those to your mother, Jed," she said, her voice distant and formal, though not unkind. "I'm afraid I don't have room in the house for them ... my boys brought me so many."

Jed's face went blank with surprise, and Natalie checked the watch pinned to her apron. "If you'll excuse me, Jed, I wasn't expecting company just now and I have something in the oven that needs tending to."

"Lemon cake," Jed said dully, recognizing the aroma wafting out from the house.

"Yes. The boys love it," Natalie said deliberately. "Thanks for stopping by, Jed, and give my best to your sister and father. Mrs. McCloud," she nodded in farewell to Lou, with a hint of hostility slipping into her tone at the last two words. "Good day."

The door shut in Jed's face, and the boy turned, his eyes blinded with overflowing tears, the flowers dropping from his hand unheeded across Natalie's immaculate porch. "Jed," Lou said fumblingly. "Jed - I -"

"Shut up!" Jed shouted. "She married Billy's father! She married him! She could have married Pa if it weren't for you ... it's all your fault! And you didn't have to make her go away, even if she couldn't marry Pa. You couldn't stand that I loved her and you made her go away... I hope you're happy now. That was what you wanted, what you made happen," he ranted.

He ran off the porch and Lou hobbled down with difficulty, calling after him. She was out of breath before she reached the gate, and helplessly watched the child run down the lane. She burned with anger at Natalie's cold treatment of her boy. It had cost her every ounce of pride to bring him here, knowing the boy preferred Natalie to her. And to have it flung back in her face, in Jed's, for pure spite ... she wanted to go up the stairs and tell that woman what she thought of her, upbraid her for rejecting a boy who she had raised, and tell her never, ever to go near her family again. But after all, Natalie had not sought Jed out ... it was her decision to drop by and ask for Natalie to see Jed again not long after firing the woman to keep her away from Kid and Jed in the first place. More importantly, no matter how she longed to say or do something, anything to hurt Natalie as much as Jed was hurting, Jed's well-being was all that mattered now. Only he mattered now, Natalie was nothing compared to that; and with a backwards glare at Natalie's perfect house, she clambered up on the buckboard to go after him.

As the buckboard disappeared around the bend, Natalie opened the door. There were stains of tears on her face and she bent to pick up the flowers with trembling fingers, gathering them into a bouquet and holding them to her face. She stood up, rubbing her eyes with her apron, and went into the house carrying them.

When Lou reached Jed on the road and called to him to get in the buckboard, the boy obstinately refused. Exasperated, Lou drove the buckboard slowly alongside the child until they got home, and Jed stubbornly refused to speak to her the entire long walk.

When they reached the ranch, Jed stomped up the steps to the house, and Lou desperately called after him a final time. The boy's pride had been devastated by his beloved Natalie's treatment of him in front of his mother, and he was not ready to discuss it. His lips pressed in a line, he opened the door and ran up to his room, slamming the door so hard the walls shook.

Kid had been working near the barn on shoeing a new horse, and had seen the bizarre spectacle of Lou driving the buckboard behind Jed from a distance off. Finishing and turning the horse into the pasture, he went into the house and saw Lou sitting at the table with a moody look.

"What happened?" he asked, curiously, taking a glass from the cabinet for a glass of water. "Natalie not home?"

Lou slammed her hand down on the table. "Oh, that woman! She shut the door in his face, Kid. She said she didn't have time for him ... that she has her own boys now."

"Well, that's true, isn't it?" Kid pointed out. "She's not his nanny anymore, so Jed can't expect her to be at his beck and call now."

Lou flared, "She claimed to love him like one of her own, and that's how she treats him?"

"Maybe it's for the best, Lou, and Natalie's not somebody I wanted to have the children continue a friendship with anyway. It doesn't really matter how she feels about him or doesn't."

"I guess she transfers her affections pretty quickly, both with men and their children," Lou said spitefully. "Either that or she never cared about him in the first place, other than as a way to get to you."

Kid winced. "Can we not talk about her ... can't we just put her in the past, please? I thought that's why we fired her, after all. Do we have to keep going over what happened with her and me? ... I can't say anymore than I already have."

"I'm sorry for bringing that part up," Lou sighed. "It really isn't about that now, anyway ... it really is about how it's affecting Jed. I don't know what to do about it ... I can't win for losing, it seems. Now he blames me for losing her."

"Lou ..."

"It's true. He knows that if I hadn't woken up, she would still be here and everything would be the same. Not that it was any better then, because of me, of course. It would have been best if I had just died, I guess, and he - -"

"Don't say that!" Kid exploded. "Don't ever say that to me again," he repeated, pulling her close.

"I'm sorry," Lou said shamefacedly, thinking of all Kid had gone through to keep her alive the last eight years and how it must feel to hear her say what she had thoughtlessly blurted out. "I know, Isa wouldn't be here if I had died in the shooting .. our dear little girl ..."

"No, and you wouldn't be here with me right now," he added.

"But I just meant it's hard, beyond hard, to wake up and find my little boy grown up without me, and hating me and blaming me for everything that ever went wrong in his life. When I would do anything, even die for him if he needed me to. I love him so much and he hates me. That hurts more than anything else, anything else that happened while I was asleep."

Kid tightened his arms around his wife and let her cry on his shoulder, and Jed, crouching at the top of the stairs above the open kitchen door, bit his lip and turned to go back to his room silently.