Chapter 37 BPOV
In the course of a few days, my life had changed dramatically. For the last few months I had floated through my life helping the Cullens with the death of Angela and attempting to help Ethan and Hannah as best I could with the loss of their mother.
But now?
Now I felt as if the meaning of life and creation had just been given to me. I was soaring, walking on a cloud every day with the knowledge that Edward and I were together. Well, ok, to be honest we weren't together, but we were sleeping together. Of course, we weren't really sleeping much… oh just forget it! You know what I mean!
We actually did sleep too… together I mean, but we were very careful that no one would find us that way. We hadn't talked about it in depth too much. I was the one who had brought it up.
It was a few days after we had first made love and we were lying in bed kissing once again. Naked.
"Um, Edward can I ask you something?"
"Anything," he said while kissing my neck.
"I don't know how to ask you this without it sounding just awful, so please hear me out ok?"
He stopped kissing my neck, sensing the seriousness of the coming conversation. He pulled back slightly so he could look into my eyes. "Ok."
"Is it ok if we just keep this… whatever this is between us… well, between us? And not tell anyone? I mean, I guess I'm not ready to talk about this with anyone, and I don't want to answer a lot of questions or have to deal with people looking at us… at least not yet. Do you know what I mean?"
I was already frustrated. I wanted nothing more than to shout out to the world how I felt for Edward Cullen. However, with Angela dead for a mere few months, me being the nanny to their children, not knowing how Edward really felt about me, and my age, I just didn't want to deal with anything other than spending any and all of my free time with Edward.
At the moment, Edward was looking at me with a perplexed look on his face.
"Really?" he asked.
"Well yeah… right now I look like that stereotypical young nanny who seduced the sexy father, and I just don't want to deal with that."
"Uh huh, so you think I'm sexy?" he asked me as he wiggled his eyebrows up and down.
"Obviously!" I told him as I rolled my eyes. The look on his face was priceless and made me giggle. "I mean for an older guy…"
Edward immediately rolled over on top of me and started tickling me.
"Older guy, huh? So how are you going to get away from this older guy?"
He mercilessly continued tickling me until I told him if he didn't stop I would pee the bed. Once he stopped we both stayed in the same position, breathing hard and looking into each other's face. We were both still slightly smiling.
"So, you're ok with keeping this under wraps for now?" he asked me.
"Yea, are you?"
"Honestly, I'm a bit relieved. I mean, I don't like it but I agree with you. I think that should include Ethan and Hannah for now. I don't want to confuse them," he said.
I nodded my head. I agreed with him. There was no need to confuse the twins.
"Speaking of under wraps…" He pulled the covers over his head and started kissing his way down my body.
I went to see the doctor the week after Edward and I started having sex. I wanted to make sure I was protected and I didn't want to have to always use condoms. Alice told me once that she had gotten some kind of shot that worked for three months at a time. That was what I wanted.
Edward and I hadn't talked about it, and quite frankly I didn't see the need to. Once I got the shot I intended on telling him and it was my body so it was my decision.
The hardest part about what we were doing was keeping it hidden from everyone else. We had spoken of keeping it 'under wraps' one time, but we didn't talk about it anymore after that. In fact, we didn't talk about anything serious really. Edward's schedule was such that we hardly saw each other. When he did have free time, he spent as much of it as he could with Ethan and Hannah. Luckily, I didn't mind sharing him with the twins, so much of that time we were together.
Finding time to spend in bed was a little more challenging. Sometimes he only had time during the day and usually someone was at the house with us so we couldn't do anything about it. When we were lucky enough to find some time after the twins were in bed, and when no one else was home, it was Edward who usually initiated it. I still felt too shy about our sexual relationship to just go after him. I didn't have to worry about that though because Edward was insatiable when we were alone.
And I felt the same way. I was just too inhibited to display it as openly as he did.
We did talk about a lot of other things in bed though. Our childhoods, school, family, friends, movies, books… the list was endless. We never talked about us. We never talked about Angela. We never talked about our feelings for each other. It seemed to be an unspoken rule that we would avoid these subjects at all costs. I would have liked to talk about our feelings for one another, but just as I was too shy to talk about our sex life I was also too afraid to talk about our feelings. I knew what mine were but I wasn't sure about Edward. He was so amorous with me that I wasn't sure if perhaps the majority of his feelings for me were of a sexual nature. I mean, I knew he cared for me, but whether or not his feelings ran deeper than that… well, I couldn't be sure. He certainly was very passionate with me. I knew from my friends though that that didn't necessarily mean that he loved me. I swore to myself that I would not be the first one to admit that I was in love. If Edward were to tire of me, I didn't want him to have that power over me. I wasn't ready to take that leap of faith for him or anyone else.
I was making my bed, changing the sheets to be exact, when suddenly I felt two hands grab my waist and lift me up. I screamed.
"Hey! It's just me." The velvety voice that belonged to Edward soothed me instantly.
"Edward! God, don't do that! You scared the living shit out of me!" My heart was still pounding but I couldn't be cross with him. He had such a carefree boyish look on his face that it warmed my insides and made me smile instantly.
"I'm sorry. I just got home and since the twins were sleeping I thought I'd see if you were still up. And I see that you are, so I thought maybe we could do a little Dirty Dancing if you aren't too tired."
Very funny, he was referring to my recent confession that that movie was one of my all time favorite guilty pleasures.
"Now Edward, you know I don't dance…"
"Hmmm, well, if memory serves you do a mean horizontal mambo." He chuckled as he aligned his body with mine and swayed back and forth slowly.
"Oh gee, you are just soooo funny. I see you had a good day," I told him.
"Actually it wasn't anything special. At least, not until I just got home and saw you bent over the bed. I'd say things are looking up."
Being propositioned by Edward was unlike anything I had ever experienced. When guys had made lewd suggestions to me in the past I always found them hokey or cliché. But when Edward said them, they always incited my body with feelings of lust. I wondered if he knew how much control he had over my body and my mind.
"Well, in that case Mr. Cullen, perhaps you could show me what you were imagining when you saw me bent over? I'd love to know what was going on in your mind just a moment ago," I suggested playfully.
He stared into my eyes and then slowly bent his head to capture my lips giving me a deep and ardent kiss. He always left me breathless from his kisses and this evening was no exception.
"I want you," he said softly.
"I want you too." I didn't hesitate. I wanted him to know that although I never started anything I would always match him kiss for kiss.
He turned me slowly in his arms so that my back was to his chest. His hands were on either side of my waist and held me tightly. His lips were burning a path down my neck as he whispered to me.
"You want to know what I was thinking when I saw you bent over? I was thinking how much I wanted you against me like this, and how I wanted to kiss you until you couldn't breathe anymore. And then I wanted to bend you over the bed and take you from behind." He continued his assault on my neck and shoulders. "That, my sweet Bella, was what I was thinking. Are you game for that?" Right at that moment, he started sucking on my earlobe.
Oh sweet Lord, seriously? Was I game? Was he kidding?
"As long as you're here with me Edward, I'm game for anything," I told him. And I meant it.
I reached up with both hands to grasp at his neck and hair. He continued caressing me while he held me and kissed my neck. I was in heaven. There was no better place on Earth than to be right here, with him.
He reached down and pulled my shirt off my body. Then he made quick work of my bra and threw it to the floor. He cupped both of my breasts in his hands and started pinching my nipples, elongating them. I was a bundle of need and started moaning with desire. My breath was hitching and I could see my own chest rising rapidly.
Edward then reached one hand down into my yoga pants, dipping into my wetness and rubbing me.
"Oh God, please don't stop!" I exclaimed breathlessly.
My eyes were shut tightly, and all I could do was react to what he was doing to my body. Never had I felt such passion for a man. Never.
I would have done anything for him at that moment.
"God baby, you're so wet for me," he told me with wonder.
He turned my head toward him and kissed me deeply. I couldn't help but moan into the kiss. I was out of control and he knew it.
I could feel his hard cock pressing up into my ass and I ground myself backwards into it. He continued with his amazing ministrations to my body and then slowly he lowered my pants and pulled them from my body.
He gave me one more deep kiss and then said, "Bend over baby. I can't wait anymore, I have to have you right now."
Oh God!
I did as he asked, more than a little embarrassed at what I must look like bent over the bed. My desire for him trumped all other feelings, including my shame, so I concentrated on how he made me feel and not what I must have looked like.
"Oh shit, just give me a sec baby, I left the new box of condoms upstairs. I'll be right back."
"No, it's ok. I got that shot from the doctor… I'm protected for three months so we don't need the condoms anymore," I told him.
"Seriously?" he asked.
"Yes, of course. Why would I make that up?" I snapped. Why was he questioning me?
"No, I'm just surprised that you didn't tell me before. That's great. I mean, that's really great!"
He bent down and kissed me deeply again.
"No more condoms?" he asked gleefully.
I smiled up at him and his reaction. "No more condoms," I repeated.
"Holy shit," he muttered to himself. "This night just keeps getting better and better."
"You know this night would get even better if I could feel you inside me right now," I growled at him.
He stared at me in surprise and then lined himself up with my center behind me.
"Your wish is my command, my lady," he growled back, and then he plunged himself into my aching core.
I inhaled sharply at the unexpected movement and then exhaled in relief at the amazing feeling of having him so deeply inside my body. God, this felt so good; deeper than ever before. I felt like my body was on fire.
He pistoned himself into me over and over again as I groaned out in pleasure. After a short while, he bent over my back and started kissing me deeply once more. His hands reached for my breasts and began squeezing them rhythmically and played with my nipples again.
For the first time since we had started having sex, I could feel the pull of an orgasm starting at the pit of my stomach. I had never had an orgasm during sex and I wondered if this could be the start of one.
He slowly let go of my nipples and reached a hand in front of me between my legs and started circling my clit over and over again. I sucked in my breath at the feeling and felt the pull in my stomach expanding stronger and stronger.
"Oh God, please don't stop. Don't stop," I whispered.
He didn't.
All of the sensations were coming together in my body; the feel of him pushing hard in and out of me and his fingers circling and circling… there!
I felt my whole body come alive and come crashing down around me as I yelled out with the force of my orgasm. My arms collapsed and the front half of my body sank on the bed in exhaustion as he continued ramming himself into me. It was the most amazing moment out of my few sexual experiences.
I heard his breathing increase, and then I felt his body stiffen with a last deep thrust followed by two smaller ones as his body bent over mine. His two strong arms wrapped around my waist as he kissed the back of my neck and shoulders softly.
"God, Bella. That was… that was so hot. You're just… I don't even have words," he said softly.
I couldn't open my eyes but I felt the soft smile on my own lips. So this is what it was like!
We stayed in that position for a minute and then he pulled out of me slowly. I felt myself whimper at the sense of loss.
He rolled us to our sides and continued embracing me from behind.
I opened my eyes and looked over my shoulder at him.
"So that is what you were thinking, huh?" I asked him lazily.
"Yeah, something like that." He grinned back at me and then kissed me again.
"Please feel free to keep thinking like that in the future, ok?" We both started laughing.
"Anybody home?" Holy shit! Emmett! What was Emmett doing in the house at this time of night?
Edward jumped up from the bed and threw his clothes on.
"Just stay here," he whispered.
"Oh my God, what are you going to do?" I looked at him panic stricken.
"I don't know, I'll think of something. Just stay here." He bent down quickly and gave me a peck on the lips.
I hurriedly dressed and stayed at the bottom of the stairs while Edward ran up them, taking them two at a time.
"Emmett! What are you doing here?" I heard Edward ask.
"I was having a drink down at the corner. When I drove by your house, I saw lights on I thought I would stop by. I didn't want to ring the doorbell and wake the twins, so I knocked but no one answered. The door was unlocked so I just came in. I hope that was ok? What were you doing downstairs?" Emmett asked.
"Bella wanted to take a shower before she went to bed but the showerhead wasn't working so I was fixing it," Edward explained.
Wow, he could really think fast on his feet. Thank God!
"At 11 at night? Really?" Emmett asked.
"Yeah, well, I just got home from the hospital so I thought I would do it now so I could sleep later," Edward answered.
"Oh! Hey do you want me to help?"
"No, thanks, I just finished. But thanks anyway."
"I hope it's ok that I stopped by so late. I haven't seen you for a while so I thought maybe we could have a few beers," I heard Emmett say.
"Oh, ah… sure. Why not?" Edward answered him.
Crap! Well, there goes the possibility of more alone time with Edward. I briefly played with the idea of going upstairs to say hello but decided against it. I wasn't good at lying, and after what just happened in bed I was afraid Emmett would see the glow all over my face.
With a heavy and disappointed heart, I turned around and got in the shower.
"Disney World?" I asked.
"Yea, Disney World. I've been wanting to take the twins somewhere for a vacation, and I thought it was the perfect place for the three of us to go to just spend some family time together," Edward said.
"That sounds like a great idea, Edward! You need some good one on one time with those kids and you haven't had a vacation in a long time. I think you should do it!" Monica pitched in.
"When are you guys going?" I asked. I wasn't pleased at hearing that they would be gone, but I did understand the need for him to spend time with the twins and get some rest.
"Well that's the thing. I was hoping to leave in two weeks, but I can't do this trip by myself. Would you consider going with us to help out?" he asked.
"That's an even better idea, Edward. Bella, you should go! Edward can't handle those two by himself the whole time and maybe you can find some time to relax in the sun too," Monica replied.
A trip? With Edward? Hell yes!
"Oh, well, yeah… sure. I mean, I don't have school and if the twins aren't here then I really have nothing to do, so yeah, of course I'll go."
I was trying to sound nonchalant about the whole thing but inside I was jumping up and down. No hiding, no sneaking around… this would be the best trip ever!
"Then it's settled. I didn't want to book the trip without asking you. I'll take care of the details tonight and let you know when we are leaving," he told me. I looked up at him and he had a little sparkle in his eyes and a grin on his face.
That sneak! He could have prepared me for this before bringing it up in front of Monica. But then again, maybe that is why he did it. To make sure that my reaction was genuine and not guarded or fake.
Oh, who the hell cares? I was going on vacation with Edward!
The next two weeks flew by. Because Edward was taking a week off, he had to pick up extra shifts at the hospital so we never got to see each other. It had been nearly that long since we had had sex too. I was a little frustrated but I knew he had to work longer, and the twins needed him too, so I had to deal with it.
He made it a bit easier for me by sending me texts occasionally. They were always something like 'wish I were in bed with you' or 'can't wait till I can spend time with you in Florida'. Just sweet little things like that that made me realize I wasn't forgotten.
The last few days were a whirlwind with trying to get all the things together that we would need on vacation. The twins' things took up nearly two suitcases alone. I had no idea that traveling with toddlers would take up so much space.
I also wanted to make sure I had a new swimsuit and I decided to splurge on some lingerie. For once in my life I had a reason to buy some and I wanted to try them out on Edward. I wanted him to view me as a real woman and not some young girl. For some reason, I thought that perhaps sexy lingerie would do the trick.
While Monica watched Ethan and Hannah, I went to the mall and searched for the perfect bathing suit. I found a few good ones to choose from and decided on two. Next I hit the lingerie department. I had no idea where to start, or what he liked.
I grabbed one of anything that looked remotely sexy and headed over to the changing rooms.
"Bella!" I heard my name.
Oh God please no!
"Bella!" I heard the voice again.
Alice!
I turned around slowly. Yup, there she was.
"Hey there! Fancy seeing you here!" She giggled as she hugged me over the enormous mound of clothing in my arms.
"Hey, Alice. What are you doing here?"
"I needed some new underwear and this is my favorite place to shop for it, and then I saw you. And look at you! How many pieces are you trying on anyway?" She laughed a little at my monstrous pile.
"Oh, I don't know. I, ah… well, I've never really bought anything but basic bras and panties before, and I thought maybe I would try something new," I sputtered.
"Well, you are in luck! I am the lingerie queen so I can help you decide. Let's go," she said, dragging my arm behind her.
This was seriously the last thing I needed; trying on lingerie with Alice so I could turn around and have sex with her brother in them. Sometimes I felt like I was just cursed.
"Alice, thanks, but I don't know if I'm comfortable-" I started.
"Oh nonsense," she interrupted me. "We're both girls and I can help. Stop being such a prude! Come on."
She led me into one of the handicapped dressing rooms. Clearly she realized that with as many things as I had in my arms and the both of us in one room that a regular room would not do. She quickly weeded through the pile, separating the bra sets from the nightgowns.
"My God Bella, look at everything here. If I didn't know any better I'd say that you had a boyfriend!" She turned to look at me. "Do you?"
"Ah, no, I, ah…no I don't!" I stammered. "I just didn't know what to buy so I thought I'd try a little of everything."
"Well, you certainly will with all of this! Ok then. Let's start with the bra sets and then the nightgowns, ok?" she asked.
"Ah, well… sure," I answered. What could I say? There was no stopping Alice, and whatever I had to do to get through this I would have to do.
In the end, she helped me pick out five new bra sets with panties, all boy short style. As for the nightgowns, I picked out two that were shorter and only slightly revealing. I wanted to perhaps buy something a little more risqué but I could hardly explain that away to Alice. What would I have a need for something risqué when I didn't have a boyfriend?
"Thanks for your help, Alice. I really appreciate it," I told her.
"Anytime Bella, please call me next time. You know how I love to shop, and it's always nice to get someone else's perspective," she told me.
My blood pressure didn't go down until I was back in the car driving home. The whole experience of trying things on with Alice had exhausted me. I didn't know how long I could keep up this whole charade.
I woke up sweating. Lord, was it hot in here.
I tried moving to my back and instantly realized the source of the heat. There was a body pressed up to my back spooning with me and an arm wrapped around my waist.
Edward.
I moved my head to the side trying to see him behind me. I could hear his heavy breathing. Poor guy had been working the graveyard shift all week and his inner clock was completely messed up. I looked to the alarm clock: 6:02 a.m. Ethan and Hannah would be waking soon. I always tried to be up before them but I didn't want to move right now.
Edward and I hadn't been together in almost two weeks and the feel of his body next to mine was irresistible. I wanted to lay here as long as possible and enjoy the physical contact.
What I really wanted to do was wake him up but I couldn't.
Today we were leaving on our trip and it would be a long one with two toddlers in tow. He needed to rest.
I carefully maneuvered myself onto my back. He didn't stir.
I stared at his perfectly chiseled face. God, this man was gorgeous and for the moment he was mine. Not really mine in a committed sense, but mine for the moment. I wanted to kiss him but I didn't. I reached up and softly pushed aside the hair that was falling onto his forehead.
Then I touched his cheek with the back of my hand.
I loved him, now more than ever.
There was no going back for me. I would love him the rest of my life.
Laying there in the arms of the man I loved, I knew I didn't ever want to be anywhere else.
But did he?
"I love you, Edward Cullen. I always have and I always will," I whispered.
A/N:
Many many thanks to our beta Lullabelle98!
And many many apologies to all our reviewers…This is the first week since we started ATR that we did not respond to any reviews. I hope to make that up to you this week! Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy days to let us know how you feel about our story. It just means the world to us.