SING:
Love ain´t no Crime!
Chapter 37: Love-Pain and Secrets to keep.
Lance Osbourne's Pov:
I am the greatest possible A**hole, and that I´m not even worth to be written a whole chapter about!
That´s what you, and most of the people which I and Ash have ever known, must surely think of me now, ever since 2 months.
However only a small percentage of them knew, that I didn´t became one, but that I chose to be one on my own accord.
There are a lot of examples when people did bad things for the greater good, making themselves being hated and taking it all to make sure someone else can be loved and I might count myself to those kind of people.
I remember an old Japanese Folktale, which I once read in our School´s library, about the Blue and the Red Ogre.
The Red ogre wanted everyone to be friends with him, even the people, however the people were afraid of Ogres, saddened the Red Ogre told his best Friend, the Blue Ogre, about his dilemma.
The Blue Ogre thought long and Hard about this ordeal and in the end came up with a Plan, he would go and terrorize the people, and if all the hatred and the fear of the people would be hold against him, the Red Ogre would step in and save the People, by chasing the Blue Ogre away.
This way the People would see how good the Red Ogre truly is and surely will befriend him.
Said and done, the Red Ogre indeed became Friends with the People, however, as he came to tell his friend that the Plan worked out, the same was nowhere to be found.
He only left a letter, which wrote, that he had gone on a Journey to see other places and find new things, but also to make sure that their Plan can never be unveiled and the People would start to hate the Red Ogre again, for deceiving them.
Of course the Red Ogre was saddened to have to let go of his old friend, but in the same time he also was glad to have become friends with the people.
The Moral of this Story is that sometimes you will have to make yourself the bad guy, if it means that others you care about, can be seen as someone worth to befriend and to trust upon.
The only difference is that my achievements might never go down in history, in my opinion it would be good if it forever would be held under the wraps, a secret swept under the rug.
Even though I, in a way, long for forgiveness from her side, I, on the other hand, also don´t want to have it.
You ask me why?
The answer is as simple as she´s difficult to understand..., there are two feelings in this world, which can compare in their strength with Love.
Hatred and indifference.
Indifference is when you don´t care at all about anything or anybody else except yourself, it is one of these Feelings which are hard to balance and to maintain, for no matter how hard you try, in the end you will always be attached to something, even if it is the indifference itself.
How can something be indifferent to you, if you yourself deem it with all might, to be indifferent?
In the end you want it to be indifferent to you, but that´s where the fault lies, if you want something it cannot mean that it is indifferent to you.
Hatred on the other side is as strong as love, hating someone with all your heart is something which borders on obsession, you want to hate them, you want them to suffer back for whatever they did to you and no matter what you say, as long as you hate them, you cannot forget them, they will forever have a spot in your heart, even if it is surrounded by complete darkness.
The same principle applies to me and Ash.
She always deems that I am indifferent to her, ever since what happened between us, however, isn´t she able to forget me, therefore she also often uses the term hate, if she refers to me, however to hate someone, it means that you´re always reminded of him/her, which means that despite her claim, she constantly thinks about me, even if it is only to compare our former life together, with the life she has now with Johnny and her Theater Crew.
You most likely now tell yourself that I should stop with the psychological rambling, so I will cut it short.
Basically said, Ash hates me, I on the other Hand love Ash, I have always and also will do so always.
Okay, of course you asking yourself now, of why the hell I then have cheated on her in the first place.
Well the answer is that I did not.
A Fact, with which I left Ash and nearly anyone else, in the dark about it.
Ash shall think that I was unfaithful to her.
What´s the point of doing that?
Simple, if I cannot let Ash loving me, for who I am deep inside, than why not make her hating my guts instead..., either way she will not be able to forget me.
Now you probably think that I am completely nuts..., maybe I am, who knows?
One thing is for sure though, that Ash means the world to me, and that I rather make myself unhappy to make her having a chance in life, than to drag her down with my screwed up personality.
For that kind of feeling it exists a particular reason.
It has to do with our both Talents.
The talent of creating songs from the emotions and memories as well as the experiences we had encountered.
However that is in our case a little different as with others, our talent lies within turning negativity into creativity.
The more negative our experience is, the better the song is, which we can write, I learned of that fact early in my life, and after getting to meet Ash and after having learned about her own situation at home, I quickly found out that she was the same, however she was oblivious about it, maybe she still is...?
You might ask yourself how that is related.., well haven´t you noticed that Ash hasn´t written any new songs, despite 2 months have passed.
It´s because she currently floated on cloud nine, after the success of the Theater, sure that has calmed itself down by now, which left her in a light depression about our breakup, which then again was loosen up by her new found love for her boyfriend Johnny.
I kinda thought that she would use her small depression for creating other songs, maybe a whole album, after all I did the same, the longing for her love, her touch, her smile, was driving me crazy and so did I with those around me.
But when I now look back at the broadcast from her Concert tonight, then I was glad, she didn´t loosed her power to her sudden positive feelings..., it weren´t her own songs, but boy, she really would have wiped the floor with me, if I would had been there.
Of course, here at home I was told how sorry they were for me, but honestly, seeing Ash rocking of so hard did well to my heart and it showed me again how awesome and talented she is, even if not everyone was of the same opinion.
Despite everything which happened, has none of us given up, no we wiped away the tears, stood back up and made ourselves on creating a life of our own, and despite of what we always thought, were neither Ash nor I ever alone, so the pain was still endurable.
I was glad that there were still some people willing to be near me, foremost my Sister Rebecca.
Yes you have heard right, My Sister, Rebecca..., the same Becky which helped me with breaking up with Ash, after I promised her to get her out of our suffocating family.
Rebecca was my Father´s third Child, but also my younger Stepsister, the only child of my Father´s second Wife, with her I got along way better than with my Brother.
Fact is that for the moment there is only me and Rebecca.
The Place which I had rented, after saving money and also after stealing some from my Parents' bank account, through a Hacker-friend of mine, was the current Atelier near the industrial zone of Calatonia, in which Rebecca and I lived in and in which also Lovelies´ Recording Studio was located.
Lovelies was the Band which I had founded with some of Rebecca´s online friends, which just happened to be musicians, after I deemed them as trustworthy, I explained to them my plan with ourselves and Ash.
Of course, same as Rebecca, were they at first reluctant, but they quickly adapted to the requirements and since about 6 months we are making music together, of course I did that behind Ash´s back as well, whenever she was out working.
We were quite successful, having some small shows at different Concert´s as support band here and there and ever since 2 months we were at creating our first Album.
Even though I often thought, in these 4 months behind Ash´s back, about just blowing off the plan and integrate Ash within the band, to make us both famous, did I always reminded myself that she was better off as a solo or Lead singer.
Same as I was strong as a Lead singer, that was the one single thing which didn´t wanted to give up myself, as they say, Two lions on a mountain are one too much.
We both were Singers and songwriters, the words I told her back then, that I make it look easy, but that it was hard to write songs, was back then quite ambiguous.
On one hand it was hard for me not to write what I really wanted to write about, which most likely would have been good songs, on the other hand it was hard to purposely write bad songs, which were bound to fail.
Of course you ask yourself just what the hell I am talking about, what that all has to do with her and why?
To Understand my reasons, I better explain from the beginning on.
I was born as the second son of my father, Mayor Franklin Osbourne.
While my older Brother Alexander came on this world as a sickly baby, had I it even worse, I was born with a Valvular heart disease and have at most still 5 years to live, unless I get a heart transplantation.
Of course was my Father furious, none of his sons were as promised from my mother, still, even a little sickly, was Alexander still the stronger one of us.
Father decided, after he left my mother and took himself a new wife, Rebecca´s Mother, Michaela Osbourne, to establish Alexander as his heir, for he was also furious about Rebecca being born as a girl.
Having only Alexander as sole possible heir, he simply declared it infront of us all, telling me and Rebecca that we were failures and only here to be someday married off for political reasons.
My father was of a strictly traditional Family, with major Political influence, which had always produced a new Mayor for the town with each generation, no wonder that our Town was called Osville.
According to our Family tree has our ancestors been the main founder of Osville and preserved it through many wars, to our times today.
After I and Rebecca were born, my father paid my mother for her `service´ of giving birth to a new heir, while simultaneously announcing his engagement with Rebecca's mother, to not create a new Scandal.
I will never forget the day my mother left through the front door and vanished without a trace, I still remember how often she and Dad fought, more than often his hand slipped out and slapped her across the face, more so after my birth and after getting to know about my condition.
My mother hated me for it, telling me that it would have been best for her, if I would have never been born and even though I was mistreated by her and overlooked by my father, I kept living in this house as best as I could, at least the servants were nice to me, well mostly the young ones.
My Mom disappeared somewhere, and the newspapers wrote that my father left her and threw her out, to make sure we kids were save, because she was violent and would often hit me and my Brother brutally, of course was this only half true, since most of the hits were directed at me.
As Father took Rebecca´s Mother as new wife, to make sure she kept shut about all of what was going on behind closed doors, the details behind it were swiftly swept under the rug , to not lose face, the lies about my mother were told by my Father´s Family towards the public and we kids had to play along and approximately 4 months later no one spoke of it anymore.
After all this I grew up as a normal average boy with a barely twisted mind, in a family which only tolerated my presence, the only hold I had in my life was Rebecca, who always stood to me.
As Rebecca became 16, my Father began to look for potential marriage candidates, to marry her off to some rich family, I back then had already began to rebel against my family.
Even Alexander began to despise me for my attitude, telling me that I was an embarrassment for the family if I would further on act like I did.
Only Rebecca stood up for me, same as I did for her, as I told my family time and time again that it was Rebecca´s decision whom she wanted to marry, of course were we greeted with much animosity from our Father´s side.
I met Ashley in Junior Highschool, as my Father decided to send me towards a simple Highschool, instead, like my brother, to a high-class boy school, he even deemed a border school as a waste of money on me.
Rebecca visited the same 2 years later.
I quickly learned that Ashley came out of a similar environment as I did and we quickly became friends.
Our friend-circle grew around all the royal Misfits, as we called ourselves, people who like us were either only viewed as political instrument or treated like air by their rich family, because they didn´t turned out as wished.
In that small group, the rebelling against the system and against the high standards of our society, quickly became the norm, same as to listen to Hip Hop, RnB, Hard Rock, Heavy metal, etc.
Anything but classical music, some even went as far as to listen to country and Folk.
It was the perfect environment to let out all the evil feelings which pestered our souls,
Back then I began to write my songs after one of our seniors taught me how to play guitar.
Back then Ashley too began to take an interest into Rock music.
She admitted that until now all she ever knew was Mozart Beethoven and other Violin Artists, due to her mother forcing her into playing Violin for the awards competitions, even though she once started it out of fun.
Both Ashley and Rebecca hadn´t much contact with each other, maybe it was why she didn´t recognized Becky as being Rebecca, maybe it was also because Rebecca looked back then totally different than today.
Things went well, until the moment that I fell in love with Ashley, it was after she appeared with bruises all over at our hideout, and she told us that her father hit her because she refused to enter a high-class border school for girls and for letting herself being married of to the son of a rich family.
Back then we were already good friends, so I took her in my arms and comforted her as best as I could.
Of course some of the others made the obligatory couple jokes, but I told them, to their and her surprise, that I could very well consider myself at the side of Ash, as her boyfriend, everyone was baffled, especially Ashley and Rebecca.
Although Rebecca constantly asked me if I was serious about dating Ashley and if I was serious of someday eloping with her, was it not that Rebecca disliked Ashley, I guess she just was afraid that Ash would take me away from her, after all she had only me anymore.
I guess that was the major reason of why Rebecca disliked Ashley, for I did left her as Ash and I had to run away from her father, I asked her to come with us, but she refused, saying that she finally found friends and began to enjoy the life.
I knew it was wrong in a way, but I told her I would come back as soon as I brought Ash in safety, but she only looked wordlessly to me, I guess back then she knew that it was a lie.
Then I ran away with Ash, here towards Calatonia, of course did I tried to apologize towards Rebecca, but the same only said that I had to choose my own decisions in life same as she did, but she made me promise that if I ever would need her help, she would demand from me to either return or to take her in at my place, should she ask for it.
And well the same did happened, 4 years later, as I asked her fro help with my Plan, she asked for being taken away from Osville, as she was shortly about to be married off towards some Rich Bastard.
Aloyse Thorndyke, Son of an old Aristocrat Family from England, who already had stolen her innocence by raping her, during a drunken rage at a Gala-party which our Parents had organized, of course was Rebecca furious as, in order to not let it escalate towards a scandal, she and him were supposed to marry.
So after asking for her help, she demanded from me, as the Promise we once made indicated, a major favor.
So as Ash was once out with some friends for a few days, I went back to Osville with the car which I had stolen four years ago as Ash and I ran away, stormed the Ceremony, right as the priest asked if anyone was against the marriage.
I barged in through the door, claimed my name and reason of coming, punched Aloyse in the face right at the altar as he tried to object, shouting at him that I would never let my dear sister having to marry an asshole who raped her and then forced her to marry him to hide it from the public.
Of course that did not only destroyed Aloyse reputation but simultaneously also the one of my family and of his, not that I cared about that one bit, Alexander even went as far as to stand in my way.
I only pushed him away telling him that I would not want to have to hurt my own brother, even if the same hated me for who I was, I then swept my sister of her feet and ran away with her, back towards Calatonia, into the Apartment which I had bought for her, there I told her to lay low for a while.
I was kinda sure that Ashley´s family must have been also at the Marriage ceremony and her father most likely let some of his man pursuing us, that's why I drove massive detours which only I knew throughout Calatonia, before hiding my car in a underground garage.
I told to Ashley that I sold it for money, of course the same was furious, but it was better than getting her in danger of being Kidnapped back home.
I kind of knew that I was currently under supervision of her father's men, I knew the feeling of being watched very well.
Maybe he deems his chances of getting her in her palms as better than with me on the side, however he will most likely be unable to get her, due to her new Boyfriend.
Unless he would hire some big thugs to kidnap her, who knows, that man is capable of everything, I knew that very well.
It was only because of my Father being the Mayor, that he never was able to make truth of his threats against me, even if I do not mean much towards my family, their reputation would be at bay if I was arrested for whatever reason.
Anyways, I´m trailing off..., during my life with Ash I found out about some significant Facts, not only the thing with our negativity-to-creativity talent, but also in general and as someone who once loved her and still loves her, it is my duty to make sure she gets the best for herself, even if it means that I am not the one to follow along.
The reason of why I left her and was, in a way, a little glad and also quite jealous about her new Boyfriend, was because I knew she needed someone talented along her side, someone who was able to give her the love, which I had to destroy, for our talent, in order to fulfill both our dreams.
We were talentless if it meant to write songs in a normal way, we needed a constant negativity to draw the emotions for our songs from.
Negativity controlled our career, and to some degree also our life, that's how I got to know Ashley Simons, as the same came into our group of Royal Misfits.
Of course I knew her before, not for the least because of our parents, I met her the one or other time on one of these dinner-party´s my family organized, but even so there was not a soul in our town, who didn´t knew Judge Simon´s beautiful daughter, to me she was extremely beautiful.
Not just her appearance, but I felt it just by looking at her, she was a familiar soul and although she smiled with extreme skill, could I plainly see how fake that smile was.
While she began to come more and more to our circle, I began to get more and more interested in her.
I asked her to give it a try, I said `hey, if you love music so much, how about writing your own song.., how about your life so far? ´, she only nodded saying she would give it a try.
The next day she came back, with a song, I knew that songwriting was not easy especially if you are a newbie to it, but damn was her song good, you really could feel her pain, her thoughts of being the only daughter and therefore being controlled beyond boundaries, the threats her parents hanged over her, like sending her to a border school, marrying her off at a young age.
Simply the thought of being turned into an Politic Ornament for her Parents, like `look at me, isn´t my daughter the best, look how famous and beautiful she is´
Yeah I could understand her pain, while my folks could care less about my existence anymore, only for upholding their image, was she forced to abide any of her parents wish and rules.
We were the escaped and the prisoner, while in reality, all we ever wanted was to be ourselves.
As I understood how her creativity worked, I began to make plans on how to get her famous.
But before getting to that, I had to do something about that maniac of a father, who began to get truly annoying to me, letting me being stalked by his security, reporting everything I did, everyone I met.
It was clear that he tried to do something to me, in order to crush the will of his daughter.
But I could not bear the thought of such talent being nipped in the bud.
I had to do something.
I had to bring her away from here, even if it meant that I would probably take away her source of inspiration, the hatred and pain, that fueled her talent.
That was the moment where we left Osville and Rebecca.
While we lived together for these four years we had some good times, but even more bad times.
Be sure to acknowledge, that the good times I speak off are those times in which negativity fueled our talents, which means that some bad things happened.
Our bad times on the other hand were those times when nothing bad happened, but so also nothing to fuel our talent of songwriting.
While the years dragged on, our life became better than it had been in our hometown but our musical success kept itself therefore in strong boundaries.
We needed something to fuel our negative feelings.
We got some gigs around town and every time I managed to witness the same thing, even though it was just minor negativity, Ash managed to sing and perform well, sure I taught her much about music, but she gradually managed to become more independent of me, I saw that whenever she tried to snitch the spotlight.
She was ready to go solo..., but I wasn´t, I didn´t wanted to lose her, I finally found a familiar soul, someone who truly saw me and acknowledged my existence.
But the more these times went on, the better I understood it.
It was not like I tried to keep her at my side out of friendship and a sense of responsibility, no it was because I truly grew to love her.
But I knew, the Happier she got, the more she would lose of her talent.
As we found out about the talent show, I finally got in hand what I needed to make her famous.
I mean if you love someone, you wish them the best they can get, even if you have to go to unorthodox means for that, you remember what I said before, the story of the two Ogres?
That is the reason, that's why I began to plot the strongest way on how to raise negative feelings in her for a constant amount of time.
Rebecca and the others helped me, still unsure if it really was a good idea.
After having a complete remodeling from one of our female friends, she posed as my new girlfriend Becky, acting as an arrogant and prissy Bitch from the Uptown and hell, she sure could act, makes me wonder if she wanted to start a career as an actor.
Since we didn´t knew who could watch us we acted as boyfriend girlfriend even outside, inside we were just simple brother and sister, who helped each other out, throughout our life.
Even as I had to escape from Osville did we held contact over phone, of course was she anything but happy, that I fled without her, even though it was her who refused to come along.
I guess, that during our act she also had a little satisfaction in crushing Ash, in a way she still was furious about me leaving her due to my feelings for Ash.
While she accepted to help me with my schemes, I helped her with her Job in the same Bar, in which Ash and I tried the last time to get a gig together, speaking from irony.
It was also there, where I met my new Bandmates, those online friends of Rebecca, another group of royal misfits who ran away.
She warned me of coming here, that most likely all of Ash´s friends would be there, but I had to go, yet I basically just came to get myself hated even more.
When her friends and new Family of the theater was all the luck and happiness of the world for her.
Then I was the Opposite pole, her entire hatred and negativity, I would monopolize it, focus it on me, always hating but also always unable to forget me, she will create songs with these negative feelings which she will constantly feel and which I will keep reigniting over and over again and will get her famous with that.
With a boyfriend at her side which could give her happiness and help her to get famous, without having to drag her down for it,... and an Ex-Boyfriend, to hate but also to keep making her stronger and even more talented.
In the end we both benefitted from it, after all I was able to write my own songs with the negative feelings of Love-pain, the almighty longing but the knowledge to never regain what I had lost, her Love and my place on her side.
And I mean I managed to make it, the occasional Songs I sang together with Rebecca at Harry´s Bar managed to reach the ears of a manager of a Talent scout, and as he heard our band, he instantly took us under contract.
That was also the reason why I challenged Ash in the name of my Band, I wanted to provoke some more wrath out of her to further fuel her talent, but in the same time also wanted to get her an Opportunity, to get herself more famous, same as us too.
The theater she plays in is nice and cool, but if you truly want to be known you ought to make yourself appear somewhere, where the young and neo-adult generation can find you and where could that better be, than on GoTube and on MTV.
For that I brought her the first take of a Fake EP, which we had created for this very occasion, the real EP which would also later be released for the public, was of a far softer mood than the fake one, which has mostly metal and punk rock songs.
In a way it was to both fuel as well as mock Ash.
The fake one most likely would fuel her talent of creating good songs, however it was also for mocking her a little, since none of these songs would be used for the competition..., well maybe only that one.
The one I was currently listening to as I drove through the night towards Johnny Baxter´s Garage.
And of course I sang along to it.
(Original:- Statue of the King by Avatar)
Lance:
"On this glorious day we're all citizens Everybody wants one Everybody wants one Harder than steel is my king's will [Chorus] Bigger than the last one Stronger than the last one Emissaries, dignitaries, ladies and gentlemen
By all our warrior's names we swear diligence
Let the first stone be laid at your feet
All the world trembles, begs and flees
Everybody needs one
Everybody heard the word, it's a sign
Well, no one else can make one
If you're the one to take one
But I know that you know
You know, that I don't lie
Everybody needs one
But they don't grab a stone, the rocks, the box
So they can build your home
But we don't wanna share one
We have worked too hard
Too hard, alone
Emissaries, dignitaries, ladies and gentlemen
My beloved citizens
It is time to ignite the mighty flame
Of the royal beacon
And then unveil the statue of our ruler
We celebrate, we built
A statue of the king
Bigger than the best one
Bigger than the tracks on which we drag these trains
There's nothing to compare to
No one can prepare you
But I know that you know
You know, that I don't lie
Bigger than the best one
Make it from the stone and rocks and moss
So you can try to make one
Cause we ain't gonna share one
We all worked so hard, so hard, so haaard
My beloved citizens
It is time to ignite the mighty flame
Of the royal beacon
And then unveil the statue of our ruler
We celebrate, we've built
A statue of the king
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!
(Heavy metal Insturmental solo)
Pow, pow (4X)
Pow, pow, pow (4X)
Harder than steel is my king's will Emissaries, dignitaries, ladies and gentlemen
My beloved citizens
It is time to ignite the mighty flame
Of the royal beacon
And then unveil the statue of our ruler
We celebrate, we've built
A statue of the king
I was a typical Metal song with Hard guitar riffs, pounding beats and many screaming, but the Chorus clearly topped it off with much force and a melody.
But believe me this was not the only of such songs which this CD was sporting.
One of my Favorites was coming right next, even though the same was a negative as it gets, but then again it also explains exactly what I felt inside and how I felt myself, how I felt about the monster I tried to be for Ashley´s sake.
(Original:- Bloody Angel by Avatar)
Lance:
"How can I sleep? Bloody angel! (Screaming) When will it part?
When her love for me turns to dust
How can I breathe?
When my mouth is filled with its ashes
Another day lost
Trying to exit this torture
I've been through enough to feel
This sorrow for a lifetime!
This pain is too strong to exist
Did I went too far?
All I did was trying to save her
Haunted by dreams
Chasing me back to my childhood
I cannot free
they will torment me for a lifetime!"And now came some soft singing, just as I said before, this Song was something else, strong, meaningful and still a bit melodic.
"I am the bloody angel
I´ll break off my chains
And look what she has found in the dirt
Her pale battered body Bloody angel! (2X) All that I had Bloody angel! (screaming) (Softly singing) Oh fierce, bloody angel My love turns to dust Her blood is on my hands
It seems she was struggling
Something sure is wrong with this world!
I'm willing to give it away
All that I love
Disappeared like sand in the ocean
Remember the love
Lost like dust in the wind
Trying to hide
These feelings
Which will hurt me for a lifetime!
I am the bloody angel
I´ll Break off my chains
And look what she has found in the dirt
Her pale battered body
It seems she was struggling
Something sure is wrong with this world
Her blood is on my hands
Why did I came to this world?
(Her love turns to dust)
Our love turns to dust
(The love turns to dust)
Her blood is on my hands
Her blood is on my hands
Her blood is on my hands!
(And now she says!) Come bloody angel Bloody angel!
Break off your chains
And look what I found in the dirt
My pale battered body
It seems I was struggling
Something sure is wrong with this world
Bloody angel!"
This song was quite personal to me and even though I doubt that Ashley would understand what it means, was it also a good song to further fuel the rivalry in her.
As I said none of these songs might ever make it out in the public, but that didn´t meant that they weren't good, maybe someday when we make an album of all the things we had never brought out.
Still in comparison to what we will actually play, are those two songs nothing.
When I then look back at the songs I had written for the actual album and recorded today, then we moved into a whole different direction, still metal but way more melodic as well as melancholic, a song about lost love, fitting for myself.
I still remember how it was for me, as we recorded it today.
Flashback:
"Alright Lance, let´s do this, this will be the one song you will Sing for your lost Love Ash, so put in all that you got, understood!" Nico, our Sound-engineer and the man responsible for making our songs presentable on a CD, stated as I stood in our Studio´s sound-proof recording room.
"Of course I will, there´s no need for you to tell me this, I know that very well myself!" I stated a little annoyed, did he really thought to have to remind me of that?
I knew that fact very well.
Without any feelings no song will ever be good, no matter how well written it is.
Every song becomes dull if you just read the lyrics, you have to feel what the song tries to tell you.
"Well then, here we go, 3, 2, 1, and record on!" Nico stated in his Microphone, before I saw him turning a switch, through the window, as the music began to start I took a deep breath and thought about nothing else but Ash and the lyrics of the song, I did my hardest to ignore the stares from the other side of the window.
It was the last stage of the Recording, after having done all of the Instrument´s melodies, it was not my turn to add the vocals to them.
(Original: Beast in Black- Blind and Frozen)
(Instrumental)
Lance:
"Once You touched my heart God I miss you like hell
I held you in closed arms
We built a haven for our love
Until I let you fall apart
(Please forgive me)
I´m still wrong I can tell
Yet my heart will be scarred and frozen
Now I live with the pain
Every night, every day
As I read the mails you´ve once wrote me
How I long for the time
When your lips would kiss mine
And the promise was still unbroken
Now I wait for tomorrow
That will never come
Still I´ll wait in the name of love
My broken heart still faintly beats God I miss you like hell I would die for one word of forgiveness God I miss you like hell
But your absence makes me weak
Against all odds, should you ever come back
Surely you can end this life in black
Banish the shadows
I´m still wrong I can tell
Yet my heart will be scarred and frozen
Now I live with the pain
Every night, every day
As I read the mails you´ve once wrote me
How I long for the time
When your lips would kiss mine
And the promise was still unbroken
Now I wait for tomorrow
That will never come
Still I´ll wait in the name of love
Still I don´t know, is this how it should be? No, no, no!
I´m still wrong I can tell
Yet my heart will be scarred and frozen
Now I live with the pain
Every night, every day
As I read the mails you´ve once wrote me
God I miss you like hell
I´m still wrong I can tell
Yet my heart will be scarred and frozen
Now I live with the pain
Every night, every day
As I read the mails you´ve once wrote me
How I long for the time
When your lips would kiss mine
And the promise was still unbroken
Now I wait for tomorrow
That will never come
Still I´ll wait in the name of love!"
"Alright man that surely was great and now we..., wait, hey Lance, are you crying?!" Nico asked me worried, but I just hissed wiping them away, I thought it was sweat since I sang with all my heart.
"I am not crying, I just had something in my eyes!" I replied harshly faking oblivion.
Flashback End:
However, even if Ash always thought that, was Metal and Punk Rock not the only thing that I listened or even sang, I learned since some time that you can sing about negative experiences, in all kinds of music-genres and in most of them you would not even have to use screams, like we always did.
One such song was also on the CD which was to be released to the public, it was a Song which I wrote after I left Ash´s side, as Rebecca and I walked through the streets and the rain that soon after we were kicked out, began to pour, it helped me to hide my tears while Rebecca pulled me wordless along.
(Original:- Hard Came the rain by Rag `n´ Bone Man)
Lance:
"Oh, my love, we almost had it all I´ve feared for the storm of my life Hard came the rain, rain We lived our life, two broken souls entwined
No matter how high we rose, we were about to fall
Throughout our life, I always noticed
I always noticed the clouds gather round
Oh, how fast I fell, how slow I drown
And now it's over and nothing survived
Washed all the love right out of your veins, veins
I watched the flood run in and take your hand from mine
I worked to save my love´s life
The same heartbeat, yet mine began to faint
I´ve feared for the storm of my life Hard came the rain, rain I beg, I beg, but you won´t meet me halfway I´ve feared for the storm of my life Hard came the rain, rain
And now it's over and nothing survived
Washed all the love right out of your veins, veins
I watched the flood run in and take your hand from mine
I worked to save my love´s life
To you there was nothing to say
I beg, I beg, knowing you never come my way
To you there was nothing to say
And now it's over and nothing survived
Washed all the love right out of your veins, veins
I watched the flood run in and take your hand from mine
I worked to save my love´s life!"
The song had something emotional to me for me it became the end, as well as the beginning in one, the beginning of endless suffering and mental torture.
And even though I knew that it did not good to my weak heart, wasn´t I able to tell myself the truth, that I didn´t wanted Ash to see me dying, to not make her hating herself.
Since my family had long given me up, wasn´t I able to pay for a heart-transplantation, I will die for sure, and I didn´t wanted Ash to see me dying as a weak man, even if it was in hatred, should she keep me in her memories as the guy I was, not the weak mess I was supposed to become, before breathing my last.
"I guess this will do!" I stated a si released the CD out of the player of my car, as I stood at a red light on my way to Ash´s momentary whereabouts, of course I first went to my old Apartment to look if she might be there, I still had the second key after all, but as expected was the same deserted, nearly anything of her belongings had most likely gone over to the garage of her new boyfriend, to which I was now on my way.
After storing the CD into my jackets pocket, I drove further through the night, listening to the Car´s radio.
I wondered what Rebecca might do now, we had kind of a hard fight before I went out, about it being stupid for me to keep this sham up and to get myself hated by the person I loved.
In the end she just didn´t understand me, despite being my sister, I guess we just were too different.
"There we are..., I guess Rebecca is right after all, that are a lot of people..., if I go there to make stress, I might as well end up being lynched by them." I mumbled as I observed, from the other side of the street, this illustrious round.
I guess I better wait some more, until they all have gone!" I thought to myself as I kept watching them.
Of course was it most likely impossible to see it from here, but I bet that Ash was laughing much, I guess she must have much fun with her friends, something she never had nor ever would have had with me.
"You captivated me, from the day we met I was drawn to you like moths to the light, I thought that I would be able to save you, but in the end I became the shackles which would hold you down and in the end might crush you, so I decided that I had to rust and break open, to set you free, so that you can find true happiness with the one who someday can truly understand you.
It won´t be me, for sure, but know that I won't ever stop loving you, to me you are my blessing as well as my curse.
I cannot bear the thought of you kissing someone else, but even more I cannot bear the thought of you being unhappy for too long.
You were one of the things, which gave my fleeting existence a meaning.
So even if you are gone, you won´t ever leave my heart!" I thought as I listened to the music.
"Brrrzzzz, brrrzzz!" Suddenly my phone vibrated.
"Huh..., oh a new message..., from Rebecca..., what does she want...?!" I muttered as I opened my phone and checked the message.
"You are making a huge mistake, you will only hurt yourself, stop as long as you can, jump over your shadow and tell her what´s what..., or I will do it!" I read but could only frown to it.
Just what is she planning to do?
"You better don´t do anything rash Sister, I won´t forgive you, if my plan fails..., not even you!" I thought to myself as I closed my phone, sighing.
The next few months will be rough for sure..., who will break before, my body or the secret I hold before you?
To be continued...
A/N: the Newest Chapter has come, please review and tell me what you think about it, how do you feel about the Lance from the movie, is he a simple jerk or do you think he has something more to him?