"Hello?" I called softly, my stomach churning and my cheek tingling from where Tate had pressed his lips to me. My hands were literally trembling.
"Touko?" N's voice was the first I heard, and it sent a terrible shudder up my spine. He appeared into the entryway a heartbeat later and his face was clouded with worry and grief. A familiar lull pulled me forward and I just had to wrap my arms around him, but the look he gave stopped me. I stood rigid, trying to figure out what to say.
"Touko I… I have to tell you… something." N wouldn't look me in the eyes. I felt sick, knowing that he was going to hate me. He would never love me after he knew that I was falling for Tate…
I hated myself more than anything right now, I wanted to curl up in a ball and just let everything come crashing down on me. It felt like my world was ending.
"Me too." I run a hand through my messy hair and bit my lip.
"Me first." N insisted, turning from the entryway and going into the living room. He stalled, standing next to the couch before sitting down and taking a deep breath. He gestured with his eyes for me to sit, and when I did I was on the edge of my seat.
"Your mother left." he whispered, still not looking at me. "She wanted me to tell you that she loves you… but she said she couldn't stay and be a part of something she doesn't believe in."
Was this what he wanted to tell me? I felt like a sit down talk would be something more dramatic than that. My mother was like me, when she had to get away she had to get away. There was no stopping her; I understood that because I had felt what she was feeling before. Still, guilt gnawed at my chest.
"Oh…" was all I said.
"And… Touko." N's face came up, a desperate look in his pale eyes. He looked unkempt and tired. Dark circles formed under his eyes and his skin was lacking color.
"What?" I whispered, wanting to reach forward and take his face in my hands. I wanted to kiss him and make it better. I wanted to protect him; I wanted to be there for him! It hurt to know that this internal dilemma was making me helpless. He didn't need me for this… he just needed strength in himself.
"I went out looking for you…" he began, and those words alone set my heart aflame with ache. I was about to blurt out an apology but he continued. "And I realized that the world we are living in… it isn't as bad as I thought it was."
I blinked, the sudden misunderstanding making my head whirl. I could nearly feel the Patrat stop turning in my brain. What did this have to do with me?
"Touko, everyone kept telling me that things were horrible… that people weren't happy and couldn't be happy without pokemon, but… everyone I saw was perfectly fine. And the one person I saw that wasn't fine… their pokemon died… right in front of my eyes!" his voice was shrill.
I couldn't comprehend what he was trying to tell me. Inside of me was a growing conflict, which was fighting the desire to let his words get to me. I looked away, my eyebrows furrowing.
"N… I—
"I don't want to do this anymore." He cut me off.
My heart skipped a beat. "Do what anymore?" I nearly choked on the words. Was this it? Was N leaving me for good? Maybe he had seen me with Tate when I didn't realize it? Was it when I was getting spicy pasta shoved down my throat? Slow dancing to a Lady A song? Or grinding up against Tate in the club with guys and girls hovering like frantic beedrill? I held my breath waiting for his answer.
"Go against team Plasma." N spoke with a certainty I hadn't heard since he was liberating himself.
The panic subsided in an instant, as soon as I knew that he wasn't talking about us, but it was replaced with a fiery burning. Anger hissed and sizzled in my fingertips and I scowled at him.
"You want to let them keep liberating? You want to let them take over everything!" my voice rose and I could see how hard it was for him not to flinch.
"It's not that bad though…" he whispered in a weak attempt to defend himself.
"Do you realize what has been going on for the past months? Year?" I curled my hands up into fists and my shoulders grew rigid. "Do you know how many businesses have gone bankrupt? How many kids have given up their hopes and dreams! How many people lost pokemon just because of fighting?"
For the first time in a very long time I pushed the blame of Mienshao's death on N. Fury brought tears to my eyes. "N, I lost my Mienshao fighting YOU! How many others have lost their partners, there friends, their FAMILY! Because of team Plasma?"
He couldn't answer me, his eyes were dark, almost as dark as in that dream. I didn't quite care though anyways.
"Cheren lost his pokemon, Professor Juniper, me… and you still believe that this is the right thing to do?"
He jaw was clenched tight but he nodded. "I—I'm not saying I will stop you… from doing what you have to… but I don't— don't want to be a part of it…" I could see his hands trembling as he spoke.
"Why? N, why!" I could feel all the betrayal lining up and being knocked down inside of me. Tears slipped over my cheeks and I took note, that this was NOT the conversation I thought I would be having with him. "After everything they did to you? They used you your whole life! Where is your vengeance?"
"I can't fight for something I don't believe in."
I shook my head, feeling absolutely stupid for even trying to compromise. It seemed the innocent man I had fallen in love with during the past few months was suddenly gone, retreated back to his days as Lord N. The worst part was the truth was as clear as day in his eyes; he really did believe that liberation was right…
"So what now?" my lower lip trembled. "What do you plan on doing?"
He couldn't answer me, which just edged the anger on in my chest. I felt like I was being stabbed.
"I can't believe you." I whispered. "I promised I would protect you… I saved your ass! I stood up for you when no one else would!" the tears were gushing now. "I love you."
His cloudy, wet eyes came up then for a split second and I knew he was about to say it back. He wanted to tell me he loved me, but I didn't give him the chance. With a heavy whimpering I stood up and whirled away, heading for the door.
How could he do this to us?