"So that was the livestream," Morwen said, breaking the silence in the den. "It's not too late if y'all want to start watching the vlogs Ithilwen put up-"
"And what is a vee-log, exactly?" Haldir wasn't sure about these strange words in this modern world. In his opinion it made the Dark Speech sound wholesome.
"It's like the livestream we just watched, but it's recorded so that we can watch it over and over again. You can make a vlog about all sorts of things. Ithilwen's decided to make it a visual journal of all the places she has been on her trip, so in a way, those watching it are going along with her. Some made by other people that I've watched have been pretty interesting; as long as you have the materials to make the vlog and post it online, your options for subjects are really broad."
"I think Mr. Bilbo would have made a fascinating visual storyteller," Sam commented.
"For that matter any one of us could have been," Frodo added. It was true. In some strange way any one of the members of the Fellowship would have built a unique chain of vlogs had things been different. Very, very different.
Fiona looked around at the group of people in the den, and it suddenly hit her that each one of these individuals had been affected by the war in middle-earth in a big way. It was more than a bit intimidating to realize that she had been surrounded by people who were trained to kill on some level. Especially when the biggest thing she had ever killed had been a young black snake in the garage with a shovel.
'And now one of them is my dad,' she thought. 'I wonder if he'll want me to run drills or something? Would he teach me to fight with a sword if I asked?'
Legolas shifted in his seat, thinking over what he had just watched. Ithilwen was well, and as hard as she tried to hide it, he could see that she was still hurting. He wished that he could go and find her- "Where is Ithilwen now?"
"She said Anime Mid-Atlantic, but the hotel they're staying at could be anywhere." Fiona did a quick search to pull up the convention's official website. "It's...actually it's about two hours south of where we're at-"
"Then let us go get them!"
"-Hang on, dude!" Fiona hated to burst his bubble, but she had to tell him. "That two hour drive is roughly 106 miles! Plus, we don't even know where they're staying!"
"How far is that?" Arwen asked.
"About thirty-five leagues," Morwen answered. "It isn't that far a distance to travel, but like Fiona's said, we don't know their location. By the time we found where they were staying, the convention would likely be over and they would have returned home."
Haldir sighed, suddenly feeling like Legolas looked. "Then we must wait for them to return to us?"
"'Fraid so, melleth." She reached over and squeezed his arm gently. "You want to watch some of her vlogs tonight?"
He nodded silently, and Fiona began to click away on her laptop to bring up her sister's video channel. Haldir watched the young woman, studying his youngest child. She had shoulder-length blond hair with a tinge of red to it, and if one looked close enough they could see faint freckles that were scattered across her nose. Her eyes were blue, unlike the leafy-green that his mate's now were, though that was a matter to address another time. Fiona looked up from her device to see him watching her and gave him a lopsided grin, apparently not at all perturbed by his assessment.
"Whenever Ithilwen does a series of uploads, she puts them all in order in a playlist," Fiona said, motioning with her cursor on the screen. "If we don't watch all of them tonight, we can pick right back up where we left off. And here's the first one-"
Clicking the thumbnail, the page adjusted again to show a large box similar to the live stream, with the addition of the aforementioned list. In that large box sat Ithilwen in her car.
"Hey guys! It's been a while since I last did any vlog-like stuff...actually it feels like it's been forever since I uploaded anything. But what can ya do? Life. That's what happens. All the damned time..."
"Is this rambling a common occurrence?" Haldir asked.
"She does it when she's nervous," Morwen said, "I'm not surprised she's doing it. I talked to her over the phone as she was getting ready to leave and could tell by her voice. Ithilwen's gone out on her own before, but I think it had more to do with other things."
"So I actually planned this trip two days ago. The idea to record it came today from a friend, so you can thank him for these." In the video, Ithilwen twisted and pulled some things out of sight of the camera's view, but from the motion it was apparent that she was driving. "I just came out of the Food Lion with a bunch of stuff to eat on the way down to Texas - not all of it healthy I might add - but it'll be something better than those gas station hot dogs when I have to stop on the road. Have you ever tried those?" Her expression then became one of mock disgust and horror, making Fiona snort. "That's a gamble is all I'm saying!"
The video then proceeded to show edited clips of her journey through the southern states, usually accompanied by off-the-wall comments. It was clear that with the further the video played, the more relaxed she became talking to no one in particular. And Ithilwen would talk about anything. She had switched from talking about her plans to the weirdest landmarks she had seen in the state she was passing through.
"I swear she doesn't have an attention disorder," Morwen stated when she saw the questioning look Haldir had sent her.
Through more edited clips, Ithilwen had arrived in Texas. She was out of the car and carrying the camera in front of her as she walked down a corridor in a building they had learned was a hotel. "The first stop on my list is HauntCon, and for those that are unfamiliar with it, it's a gathering of big haunted house troops that changes its event location each year. It's a shame Fiona's not with me this year, cause I know my sister just loooves to go in haunted houses, and there's going to be some night tours that I'm really excited for-"
"Just for the record, that is a LIE! I hate haunted houses, and Ithilwen's the reason!"
"What did she do to make you hate them?" Elladan asked. "For that matter, why would one purposely go into a haunted house?"
"Entertainment," Esther answered, "It depends on the person that goes in about the entertainment, however." She had sent out her Cherub Bytes on many an occasion to the local haunted attractions in October, usually with surprising results. Despite the macho confidence that some men put on for their girlfriends, it was usually them that screamed when the costumed killer got them by surprise.
Fiona, on the other hand... "We went to this one place down in North Carolina years ago, called Kersey Valley Spookywoods. Every year they have a different theme to keep things fresh. Well, I don't remember what theme it was supposed to be, because when we were waiting to go in, some guy in creepy makeup appeared behind me to get my attention-"
Morwen held up her hands in a wide gesture. "She jumped this far off the ground without getting a running start," she laughed. "I thought for sure Ithilwen was going to we herself from laughing so hard."
"It's not that funny, Mom."
"It was."
"Okay, can we get back to the vlog please? Alright then." Fiona didn't hesitate to unpause the video, even though she could see the smiles of some others in the room from hearing the story. It wasn't the only time she had been spooked by one of her sister's hairbrained ideas, and if history was any indication, it wouldn't be the last.
Back on the video, Ithilwen was seen juggling her bags with the camera still in hand as she attempted to open the door. "Success! We're in! Ha ha!" With bags and camera still in hand, the door behind her was kicked shut, and the bumpiness of her steps was echoed once more as she walked further into the room. "There's a haunted tour tonight, but I've been driving for over twelve hours with maybe two stops, so I just want to get some sleep-"
"She is aware that she does not require sleep?" Thranduil questioned Morwen. Already he was looking at this elleth as more mortal-raised than elven, and the tone in his voice showed it.
Before Morwen could answer, Fiona spoke up rather quickly. Legolas thought it was rather brave considering his adar's nature, but she also wasn't familiar with him either. "I've seen Ithilwen stay up for days without much rest, sir. I think the reason she kept hitting the sheets so frequently was that she was looking for something she couldn't find when she was awake."
"You mean Legolas, right?" Pippin asked.
The strawberry blond nodded, smiling apologetically at the elf when she thought about what she said. "I really didn't mean for it to come out sounding dirty, but she really has been looking for you. Before Mom and I left to do our things I'd wake up to hear her in the kitchen mucking around in the middle of the night. Said she was trying to eat weird stuff so she could try and trigger a dream."
The video unpaused and the clips changed to the early morning hours with Ithilwen finger-combing her hair with her free hand. "It's morning," she yawned, "I'm kinda tired, but breakfast is just downstairs, so I'm gonna go eat and tonight I'll be going on the first haunted tour." What followed was a short montage of clips that showed some highlights of the hotel she was staying at, what she ate for breakfast, and brief glimpses of the designated convention halls. When it came back on to her face, it was night time once again, and she was walking along the corridors.
"I had an idea to get some footage of the stops on the haunt tours, but it fell through, so this vlog is going to be a lot shorter than some others. One," she held up a finger, "it's dark, and nothing translates good on camera in the dark. I've tried it before, so I should have known better. Two," another finger joined the first, "The attraction coordinators are really funny about their projects being recorded, so no pictures are even allowed. It makes sense, since they're still beta-testing." A noise from further down the corridor made her pause in her steps, then she continued on in a whisper. "It's after midnight and not everyone at the Sheraton is coming in from the haunted tour, so I need to be quiet.
The camera jiggled again as she made slow steps into a brisk walk back to her door. Once she got inside and shut the door, she spoke again. "Where was I? Oh yeah - three," and a third finger, "the workshops I signed up for may or may not let us have anything to remotely record on, but I can still tell you about what I did." Ithilwen blew a raspberry. "Some first vlog, huh? I can't even show you half of the things I'm doing for one reason or other. Anyway, the tour. Right. The first place we went to was called the Cutting Edge, and the premise was that it was a century-old meat packing plant. The machinery still inside was functional, only it was human bodies being processed!" She paused to make a mock-terrified face and added sound effects.
"This is entertainment?!" Aragorn remarked. "They should have taken the Dimholt like we did if they wanted entertainment!"
With his words, Gimli, Haldir, Glorfindel, and the twins shifted uncomfortably and exchanged quick glances. They quite vividly recalled not wanting to go in that particular place, and was secretly paranoid one of them would out the other four.
"So the entire thing took about an hour to get through, and man did it look realistic! I was really impressed. The prop bodies were hauled around on hooks and conveyor belts as we went through the plant, and it was kinda funny waving to some of them...at least until one waved back and we found out it was an actor." She laughed at the memory. "The next stop was Hangman's House of Horrors. I found it pretty good, though the story was basic. No one's fault of course; it's just hard to write a truly original story without it sounding like something else to someone. So anyway the legend of the Hangman was about a serial killer called Hezekia Jones, who stalked a particular river out by the attraction and waited for victims to...well hang. Apparently a lynch mob had formed one October and got him at his game with his own rope. And like all horror movies, what happens?"
"What happens, Merry?"
"I don't know, Pip! Watch Miss Ithilwen and find out!"
"The killer is left by the protagonist- protagonists, 'scuse me -and hung by the rope overnight." She shrugged. "I guess they couldn't be bothered to cut him down? For whatever reason, he was left to hang there all night, and when the gravedigger came out to get him down and bury him, he found the noose empty. A legend had formed that it was that very noose that kept him alive, because it harbored the souls of his victims. Naturally," she grinned, "last year was the last of the procured souls, so he'd be looking for a new victim. And that's where I leave you tonight, lovelies! Tomorrow we get to get up and do it all over again!"
The video jumped again, and this time Ithilwen was outside walking. "It's the next day, and I've got about an hour before one of the workshops I signed up for starts. It's called, of all things, 'Makeup to Die For' and we're going to learn how to apply some really grotesque makeup. We were told that we could bring along a friend to bedazzle with blood, but I'm on my lonesome here so I'm going to make myself up."
If anyone had been hoping to see something from within the workshop, they were sadly let down, although the next piece of video that came up more than made up for it. Ithilwen sat in her hotel room looking as if something had exploded violently in front of her. Had Haldir not seen Ithilwen before this moment, he wouldn't have recognized his own daughter. Her hair was teased and in a wild mess. The makeup around her eyes was dark grays and greens, making the hollows of her eyes almost as sunken in as the contouring along her cheekbones. The lightest parts of the makeup all over the rest of her face had made her skin appear washed out and sickly, and it extended down her neck and across her collarbone. But the kicker to this look was the amount of blood that she had used, and Ithilwen had used it everywhere.
"I really hope that isn't the kind that stains," Fiona snickered.
"I highly doubt that," Morwen said. "These places don't settle for cheap quality makeup, and I imagine there's a good makeup remover to be found somewhere."
"Aren't I fabulous?" Ithilwen grinned, striking a pose in front of her camera. "Somebody call Vogue!"
Fiona's snickers turned into full-blown laughter when she heard someone shout "That is anything but fabulous! That's terrifying!"
"As you can see, the workshop was A LOT of fun. I've been going around the hotel afterwards asking the employees if there was something on my face-"
"She gets that from you." Haldir said as he looked pointedly at his mate, who only batted her lashes at him innocently.
"-and tonight is the costumed masquerade. The theme is the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre', and I didn't plan to attend the masquerade initially, so I didn't bring anything specifically for it. However, I do have some plain pieces that I can put together to make a 70s slaughtered college student that should work. Now obviously I can't get video in there, but I will take some pictures and upload them to my photostream account if you're curious."
The video changed again, and this time it had Ithilwen sitting at a table in a large room with others. The tables were filled to the edges will all kinds of materials, and it was Esther that guessed that it was a workshop. The noise was dimmed enough to allow for Ithilwen to voice over this section. "This was the 'Create-a-Bust' workshop that took place the following day, and as you can see I'm halfway through making up my wig head. He's a standard foam male head, and I think I'm going to call him Bob. By the time this video's online, Bob has been finished and carefully packed away with my bags. I had so, so much fun working on him that I'm thinking about hitting the craft store when I get home to make some more. How about a Beetlejuice one? Wouldn't that be the coolest?"
"I don't know what that means." Arwen frowned. She wasn't sure why her youngest cousin would find enjoyment out of decorating a head. Maybe she'd have to see it in person to understand.
"It's one of her favorite movies," Morwen explained. "I think it was the only time she could tolerate Alec Baldwin, too."
"I don't know what that means," Haldir said.
"He's an ass." Was the response from Fiona.
The video jumped again, and Ithilwen was walking around her hotel room. When she turned past the windows, it was evident that she recorded this at night. "We just got back from the night's haunt tour, and this time there was only one. They call it Zombie Manor, and it's labeled as Fort Worth's most intense and terrifying haunted house experience. I think this one might have been my favorite out of all of them simply for the bizarre backstory. See, the "legend" if you will, begins back in the 1800s when a dude called Delacroix moved his family to this big manor house from Lousiana."
"There was also this servant named Bedula, who as a kid had extraordinary voodoo skills, and she ultimately became the household manager for Delacroix at seventeen. She managed the work of all the other servants Delacroix had hired and was even given her own private quarters in the manor. When she was older, she had fallen in love with the stableman, married him, and gave birth to a little girl they called Tamara."
"Now Tamara grew up to be very beautiful and free-spirited. Unfortunately, the now-geezer Delacroix also noticed, and like the dirty old man he was...expressed his...fascination with Tamara-"
"Ew! Ew! Ew!"Esther muttered under her breath. "I knew it was coming but ew!"
"-It's never explicitly said that he acted on his urges, but for the sake of arguments lets say he did, and she wasn't able to fight him off. Now whether or not it had happened, provided the story was factual, Bedula caught wind of the rumors. And she was PISSED. I can't say I'd blame her. I mean, you grow up working for someone you respect, and then turn around years later to find that he's disrespected your baby? Oh hell naw. That wouldn't fly at all!"
"Your daughter certainly has a...way with words," Thranduil commented. Her facial expressions that accompanied the story she was telling only added to her character, but that still didn't mean much to him.
"Anyway, Bedula decided that whether or not he defiled her daughter, he was going to pay for it. Two decades of repressed magic within her came out at once, and she placed a curse on Delacroix, asking for the backup of her ancestors to infect his curse with pure evil. This curse was meant to affect him and everything he owned, and this is where the story gets really weird. The crops that grew on the property wilted, the livestock would be found dead, and any visitors to the manor were stricken with the plague. And if you think that wasn't a pretty sight to behold, well the deceased remains that got up out of the ground weren't doing any favors to the property value either! They'd swarm the lands and house in hordes, and over time decay and nature would eventually conceal its existence from the rest of the world."
She paused to reach out behind the camera for her drink, taking a sip and setting it back. "When the story started I thought we were going into an old-world voodoo house, but the whole thing was like something out of the Walking Dead. Only you know, no CDC meltdown to tell us that you don't even have to be bit to get infected. So this last part of the story is probably the strangest, and I swear that I am telling it like we heard it. As it closes, some mysterious guy appeared on the remains of the property one day that was called 'The Caretaker', and he had some old wild-west dressed cronies that followed him like ducks. Wherever these undead were, the Caretaker and his tag team weren't far behind, and no one knew how or why the dead were even waking up. If you can call it that; personally if I had risen from the dead the first thing I'd do would be shower. So as I was saying - I swear I don't have ADD - there was no way of knowing when the virus that made them rise even appeared. Some rumors circulated that the old servant Bedula had something to do with it; others said there was something far more sinister at work."
"That's it?" Eowyn asked. "I thought the story would have a more satisfying ending."
"Don't ever watch The Village," Esther told the woman. "I thought Ithilwen would cook the rental DVD in the grill when we finished watching it."
"Finished, hell!" Fiona snorted. "She damn near yanked the DVD player open to get the disc out when we got to that stupid-ass twist!"
Faramir looked over to Morwen. "Is this story that bad?"
She nodded. "Very bad. It put us all of any of M. Night Shyamalans' movies."
"Despite the really bad cliffhanger in the backstory, the attraction really does deliver. It feels more like you're in a zombie environment than a house built in the 1800s with its social stigmas of the times. Still, it was a fun one, and if you're in Fort Worth come October you should really check this place out if you're into haunted houses."
There was some movement from Ithilwen's end, and the camera view became jumbled as she adjusted its new position on the same surface that her drink sat. "I've also decided to skip out on the rest of the convention tomorrow. I've done all I wanted to do here, and there's not much else that's holding my interest. So I'm going to go to bed, get up and get ready for the next stop on my trip. If you liked the video, let me know with a comment or something. Let's start a discussion: Do you like haunted houses? Are there any you'd recommend? Do you even like Halloween - tell me now! Or later, whenever you want! I'm exhausted so I'll see you tomorrow!"
The video went dark, and in place of it appeared various thumbnails that the houseguests learned led to other related videos. Fiona had turned on the autoplay feature so that she wouldn't have to hunt for the next button. It clicked to the next in the list, and when the video began Ithilwen was talking to someone off camera.
"You're not in view," she said, motioning with her hand for whoever it was to come closer. "You need to come sit over here."
Before the other person even came into the camera's view, everyone in the den knew who it was. Elrond felt his heart skip a beat as he saw his mate move to sit down by his niece. It had been a shock to see her appear in the livestream, but that didn't matter to his peace of mind. She was here, not in Valinor like she should have been. Why had she taken the journey to this world, when she had no knowledge that her sister and niece had been sent here? For that matter, why had the Valar allowed it?
"Hey guys! I'm down here in Waxahachie, Texas! Been here about a few days already, though there wasn't much I was doing besides resting up. You guys are in for a treat today; this is my Aunt Celebrian, and she happened to come into town about the same time I did. She's going to be traveling with me for the rest of the roadtrip, and she agreed to be a part of the vlogs too!" She looked over at Celebrian. "Go on," she whispered, "Say hi."
"Well met, internet companions of Ithilwen," Celebrian said.
Morwen slapped her forehead. "Oh my god."
"I think that's the first time I've ever heard viewers described like that," Esther commented.
"As my niece has informed me, that was not the proper greeting." Celebrian was still dressed in the gown that she had been wearing the day Ithilwen found her, so she hadn't been in the modern world long. Luckily, she had learned enough to lie through her teeth about her heritage on the internet in that short amount of time. "Do forgive me for my manner. I have been living in sabbatical for an extended period of time, and have not yet been acquainted with many of the luxuries the modern world provides."
"Well," Erestor looked to Elrond, "Lady Celebrian is not wrong."
"I am just thankful that she is not alone now. How long has it been since they were at...wherever it was that Ithilwen said?" Elrond wasn't about to attempt to pronounce Waxahachie.
"Ithilwen uploads her videos roughly the last night of her stay in one place or the next morning," Fiona told him. "I know that where she's going in this video takes place in April and May usually, so she could have met up with Aunt Celebrian only a couple of weeks ago."
"And she has changed her manner of speaking that quickly?"
"Your niece is an influence," Morwen said.
Elrond nodded, seeming satisfied with that comment.
"I never said it was a good thing!" His sister-in-law laughed.
Something was off. Ithilwen could feel it.
It was that same something that had been nagging at her ever since she crossed the border into her home-state, and whatever it was had only been getting more intense.
They had been attending various panels through the day, with the latest being one featuring Vic Mognogna, yet she couldn't tell anyone a word of what he said if they had asked. She had been too distracted trying to figure out why the chest pain she was experiencing wasn't going away, or why the accompanying headache had decided to join in the fun. It seemed like the only relief she got was either when she was asleep or when she held the livestream the night before.
'Maybe it was because I got to talk to Fiona again?' she thought to herself. 'I mean we haven't gotten to talk often enough since we've all been out doing separate things. It doesn't feel like homesickness though, but why do I feel the sudden urge to go home? No one's there. Nana and Fiona won't be home for at least another week.'
Ithilwen's thoughts were shaken along with the gentle shove from Celebrian, indicating that the panel had ended. She nodded, rising to her feet and collecting her bag, following the crowd out into the open area.
Then Celebrian had taken a firm grip on her arm and drug her off to the side of the hallway. "Do you mind telling me what is bothering you, penneth?"
"What?"
"Something is wrong," Celebrian insisted, "I can see it as plain as day in your eyes."
Ithilwen let out a half-hearted laugh and shrugged her shoulders. "I wish I knew exactly. All I know is that I haven't felt right since we crossed the border, and the longer I'm here the worse it is."
Her aunt's eyebrows furrowed. "What ails you?"
"My chest hurts, like someone's punched me dead center. My head started hurting back there in the panel, though that may have been from the crowds-"
Celebrian was stumped. "Why have you not said something sooner?" The feeling of pain that her niece had described was very near the same ache she had once felt back in Valinor. 'I deeply desired to be with my family once again, however I do not understand what it could be that trouble her...'
"I didn't want to worry you," Ithilwen said meekly. "I've also been having these thoughts that there's something wrong in middle-earth. Like our guys didn't make it-"
"That is nonsense and you know it!" Celebrian whispered quickly. "Do not let your doubts consume you, Ithilwen. Your mind is only trying to work against you and make you believe the worst had happened. Listen to what your heart says."
Ithilwen sighed. "My heart's telling me that it doesn't want to be here anymore."
"Do you mean here? Or this world?"
"Both, but here specifically. There's just...not much that's keeping me distracted from this feeling here."
Celebrian took her arm gently within hers this time, leading Ithilwen back towards their hotel. "If you do not wish to remain here any longer, what is your desire then?"
'You mean besides my desire to see Legolas again?' "I'd like to finish my roadtrip. There's one more stop on the list. How...how do you feel about camping?"
"We're here at the Scarborough Renaissance Festival!"
The majority of the video was of Ithilwen and Celebrian going around to various booths and events. Celebrian's change of dress was one of Ithilwen's simpler medieval gowns, while Ithilwen herself had chosen to wear Legolas' tunic with some dark gray leggings and boots. The elf in question was choosing to not say anything about her choice of dress, though Haldir kept shooting looks over at him as if he had ordered her to wear the tunic.
In the video for Scarborough, the staff at the festival were very much in character, never breaking stride even as they inquired from Celebrian about what the younger woman with the small box had in her hands did exactly. Haldir had been alarmed to see the giant turkey leg Ithilwen had gotten for lunch, while Gimli had roared with laughter.
"I see the lass likes to eat!"
"Yes! I told Ithilwen to go buy a turkey leg at least one time when she stopped for the renaissance faires!" Fiona looked pleased, at least. The one good thing Haldir could say for that moment was that she had a fork and knife in hand to cut it.
They had gone on to view a glassblowing demonstration before the scheduled jousting tournament, ending their visit. While everyone expected the video to stop there, it actually continued. Now they were sitting in Ithilwen's car, and the camera had been set up onto the dashboard to bring both of them into view.
"As you can see, we're on the road, but since you don't know where, I'll tell you - Greenwood, Louisiana-"
"Did I hear that right?" Tauriel asked.
"There is a place called Greenwood, yes," Morwen told her.
"-an interesting fact about Greenwood," Ithilwen continued, "This is just a small area of Shreveport, the third-largest city in the state. Did you know that the latest remake of 'The Town that Dreaded Sundown' was filmed in Shreveport? I haven't seen it so I don't know if it's any good, but typically reboots of movies suck the big one."
"Why are they bad?"
Ithilwen shrugged. "It depends. The writing can be terrible, or they cast actors that don't suit the roles. A lot of it has to do with the nostalgia of watching it the first time, and that sticks with you."
The video then transitioned to a montage of other clips Ithilwen had picked. They saw the view of the Red River from the bridge they crossed, the welcome sign at Bossier City, as well as other random pieces that she had deemed fascinating. It wasn't until they crossed from Mississippi into Alabama that a new musical selection had come up in the video.
"Really, Ithilwen?" Fiona asked the TV with exasperation.
"I don't understand," Glorfindel spoke. "Why do you sound frustrated, my lady?"
"Of all the music in the world she could choose from, my sister chose to put "Sweet Home Alabama" over the montage of them driving through Alabama!" Her hands covered her face, and though mumbled, the rest heard her say, "My sister is such a dork it's not even funny."