36. AANG FINDS ME ON THE MARCH. We're traveling fast, on reduced rations, barely pausing to sleep before marching on again. No one drops. No one complains. Their eyes shine when they look at me. I look in their eyes and see the loyalty. They whisper to each other. They tell tales of the battle. They say my name in the same hushed tones they say the names of their ancestors or their gods. They love me. They're mine to the death. If they weren't before, they are now. For them, I smile, I look brave. Katara is always at my side. My companions are praised, worshipped. Toph is carried by frail boys, generally over her objections, at least at first. They worship the ground Sokka walks on. They call me Fire Lord, and they mean it.
They call Katara Fire Lady…
It doesn't sound like the joke of my crew anymore…
I don't see what they see. I don't know this Zuko. I give the youngest boys most of my rations behind my friends' backs, see the look in their eyes, and I don't get it. They go on and on, about how I leaped and whirled in the air, how I dove into the fight, how I hacked and slashed and parried, how I deflected every fireball, intercepted every fire whip, and I don't remember any of it. They tell me how I showed no fear, how I fought like a man possessed, and all I see…
All I see…
The court watches…
The court laughs…
My father's voice…
Calling me a coward…
Calling me weak…
Only one honest face…
I've never been so proud of you…
An eighteen-year-old boy, screaming in pain and fire on polished marble floors…
That's what I see…
I don't tell them that. I don't even tell Sokka that. Sokka, my best friend. I only tell any of this to Katara. I tell her everything. Except the food. She'd get angry. I know I shouldn't give the food away, but I just can't eat. I see my men starving, and I just can't eat. She tells me everything. We let tears burn in our eyes. We miss our mothers. We lay entwined, fingers in each other's hair, and talk it out. And come daybreak, we're brave and firm.
My scar aches all the time…
The only time it doesn't is when her lips are on it…
Aang tugs at my sleeve. I don't know what day it is. We're walking. We've had to abandon our mounts; we're going cross-country, rough terrain, and besides, they eat too much. Piandao raises no objections anymore. The Fire Lord marches in the dust and the dirt, while his Lady and his friends march with him.
And the Avatar…
I turn to him, look down. He's grown over the past year, but I'm still taller. To me, he still looks like a boy, until I remember…remember the battle…
Glowing blue eyes…
Men screaming…
He's not a boy anymore.
"Zuko?"
"Hmm?"
"You were right. I just…I just want you to know that. You were right."
"About what?"
"About sometimes not having a choice."
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"Well…the things is…I don't want to be right, Aang, not about this. I didn't want to be right then, and I don't want to be right now. I wanted you to be right."
"Oh…really?"
"Of course. What? You think I want things to be like this?"
"I guess I…I don't know, Zuko."
"Neither do I."
"You're…you're going to make a great Fire Lord, the best one in generations. You…you already are."
"Thank you. That…that means a lot to me. And Aang?"
"Yeah?"
"You're a better Avatar than anyone will ever give you credit for."
"Oh…really?"
"Of course."
"I don't feel like it."
"We never feel like what people tell us we are."
Pause.
"Zuko?"
"Hmm?"
"Do you love Katara?"
"I…I don't know. It's hard to think like that right now. Love requires a future, and it's hard to imagine one in a time like this. But…I more than like her. I imagine she'll tell me exactly what that means when she feels like it."
"Heh…yeah…you guys were all trying to tell me before, weren't you?"
"We figured you'd eventually get it. No reason to cause unnecessary drama, you know?"
"Heh…thanks for that. You know…I finally just up and asked Katara."
"Oh?"
"If she was with you."
"No shit? When was this?"
It's all an act. Katara and I already talked about it. We do that.
"I'm…you know, I'm not quite sure. Everything's kind of…blurring together, these past few…days?"
"Don't ask me. I haven't the faintest idea."
"Yeah…well, you know what she said?"
"What?"
"That yeah, you were together, and she was never leaving you, and you were never leaving her. Hence, my question about the love."
"Plus, you still have a crush on her."
"Well, yeah…but I'm fifteen, you know? And the Avatar. I imagine I'll get over it."
"That's very mature of you."
"I'm trying. I really am." Pause. "Would you ever leave her?"
"Fuck no."
"Good."
Pause.
"Zuko?"
Oh, for fuck's sake, don't ruin the moment, Aang.
"Hmm?"
"Please don't ever let me try to…I dunno…wuss out, ever again."
"Aang?"
"Hmm?"
"Don't ever stop being you. Promise me that."
"…okay…"
We march.
Sometimes, when we're tired and stressed, there are things we really want to talk about, but we can't. We're too tired, too worried, or we just can't seem to put the words together. So, instead, we talk about shit like this. That's what Zuko and Aang are doing. They're talking about shit by not talking about it. Before someone says that this is a guy thing, well…it's not. Girls are just as bad. Just throwing that out there. Nothing irritates me more than meaningless gender stereotypes.
If you're curious as to what Aang and Zuko really want to talk about, I imagine that Aang wants to talk about how he just killed a couple hundred people, and Zuko wants to talk about how he's now facing waging a civil war against his father. That's some heavy shit, guys.
Oddly enough, I really like the development between Zuko and Katara. They had it easy back at the villa; now they're in the crucible. This is where the petal meets the metal, so-to-speak. I think they're going to make it, which is as much as I'll tell you right now.
In case you missed it, by the way, the invasion is off, but the war is far from over. In the next chapter, we reach the rendezvous point, and Zuko pays for being too stressed to eat!
Fun Author Fact: Not eating is something I do when I'm stressed or upset. It drives my girlfriend up a wall, especially when I try to go several days on only cigarettes and water.
Fun Microsoft Word Fact: Word's Spellcheck feature considered wuss to not be a word.