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Self Insertion

Chapter 37

A New Roommate...Ranma's Lesson

Evan smiled as he woke up the next morning. He breathed in the fresh morning air as the sun beat down

upon his face, warming him nicely and putting a special feeling at the cockles of his heart. "Another

lovely day." He said as he briskly got up and ran/skipped towards the bathroom. Where he promptly

took a whiz and brushed his teeth. He then walked over to Josh's room and opened it up. "Goood

morniAUGH!!!" He then screamed and pointed. "WHAT THE CRAP IS SHE DOING HERE!?!" He

demanded.

Josh yawned and sat up, pushing the persocon out of the way and frowning. "What? Oh Ranma? She's

just gonna be living with us from now on." He stated with a smile as he stroked the sleeping woman's

vibrant red hair.

"Riiight? And when did I say this could happen? I could have you evicted you miscreant.... or

something!!!!" Evan yelled.

Josh smiled. "You said so when you were drunk out of your mind last night... you said something about

hoping to catch a peek of her in the shower."

"Sure... exploiting a man's drunkenness... very clever Mr.Reeds.... very clever... BUT I DOOM

SHALL BE YOUR DOWN FALL!!!.... wait its Reed isn't it?"

"Yup. And that's his first name."

"Oh.... um.... ya got me there... but I'm on to you and your stretchy ways...." Evan said raising an

eyebrow at his friend in .... an expression.

"Well I say she stays." Josh said with a frown as he got up out of bed, careful not to wake his lover.

"That's final. She's never done anything to you. And she cooks really good and I love her."

Evan smiled. "Love her?" He queried. "Don't you love Kasumi...? Or Nabiki...? Or... uh that other

girl...?" He asked.

Josh held up a hand and lifted a finger. "Okay 1: Kasumi is dead, 2: Nabiki... well she's kind of a bitch.

And 3: Who?"

Evan grinned, "Josh, you're shallow and thoughtless. Definitely thoughtless. Oh yeah, tons of

thoughtlessness flowing thoughtlessly through your thoughtless head.... thoughtless."

Josh looked serious and did a baseball 'safe!' thing. "Well that's IT! No more thoughtlessness. I'm

going to make it work between Ranma and me..."

Evan cut him off. "Are you going to kill her or cheat on her this time? Those seem to be your

'relationship markers'."

"NO!!" Josh yelled waking Ranma up but not realizing it. "I'm gonna do right this time. I'm gonna

propose to her... I'm not gonna be forced into an engagement, I'm not going to do it just cause I had

sex with her and got her pregnant..."

"Like Kasumi?" Evan asked.

Josh nodded. "Yeah! I'm gonna marry her and I'm gonna love her!"

"Good for you Costner." Evan congratulated.

"Y...You love me. You really love me!" Ranma said as she stood up out of the bed and hugged Josh's

blue body.

"You people are twisted. I'm leaving." Evan said as he sat down.

Josh sniffed in disdain. "Like you were any better with Blink? He asked. You were all over her all the

time. I'm at least trying to create a somewhat stable life for myself."

"I was kinda sent through multiple dimensions, making any form of relationship near impossible....

sides... many fish in the sea eh?" Evan said, grinning at the memory of Blink.

Josh just looked to Ranma, smiled and kissed her. "So I guess we should get dressed eh dear?" He

asked.

Ranma blushed realizing that she was wearing just a bra and panties in front of Evan and picked up her

jeans from nearby. "Y...yeah."

"Have you told the Tendo's that you're staying here with me?" Josh asked. Pulling out a shirt from

nearby that said 'I'm with stupid' with an arrow pointing to the right, where Ranma was standing when

he put it on.

Evan opened his mouth.

"Just shut it now less I shut it for you." Josh growled.

Evan shrugged and continued.. "Is that a reference to her, or the fact that your genes may be

predominant in the womb?" Evan grinned. "Best I could do on short notice."

Evan quickly received two fist in the face sending him flying through the wall and into the street. "I'll call

the repair man." Josh stated walking out of the room.

"Chii."

"What the crap?" Josh stated turning around before getting glomped by the, seemingly broken,

persocon. "Oh yeah. I have a robot now. Guess I better find and bring you to an expert." He stated

patting it on the head.

The persocon smiled. "Chii!" It stated.

****************

At that moment another Universe collided with the Ranmaverse... this time however circumstances

worked against the imprinting of aspects from that universe onto Ranmaverse. The universe is known as

the D.C. universe. And at the exact moment that the universe collided one figure, a hero, known as

Azrael stood in a pose and at that exact same moment a man named Steve-Dave Brazier was also

standing in that exact pose in his universe. Both these people were also standing at the exact same spot

on their respective earths. This somehow created a chronic temporal shift where Steve Dave was the

only thing to go to Ranmaverse, appearing in the middle of a busy street wearing the batman armour

that Azrael had made.

"WHAT THE CRAP!!!!" Steve Dave screamed as he realized that he had somehow, mysteriously just

appeared in Japan.

At that exact moment Evan walked out of his apartment complex blinked, blinked again and sighed.

"What the hell is Azrael doing here?" Evan coughed. "Excuse me Azrael. My name is Evan. I am a

'powered' person. I know you 'DC' types don't have true 'powers' but only crappy aliens and

'leagues' of 'justice'. So I'll give you the rundown..."

Steve Dave cut him off. "Evan? What the crap are we doing here?"

Evan grinned. "Well.... wait... I recognise that voice.... we went to something together didn't we? Some

sort of thing that we both did..... ya know."

"School?"

"Nope... I'd remember the armor.... um... Bingo?"

"School... Evan we go to school together. I'm Steve Dave." Steve Dave replied.

Evan looked surprised. "No... you're Azrael... I recognize the armor."

Steve Dave looked surprised but you couldn't tell cause he was wearing armor. "Armor?" Stave dave

then looked at his hands which had large technological claw things on them. "Hey I really am wearing

armor! It's so comfortable I might as well be naked!"

Evan shivered. "That's a scary thought. How the hell do you fit into that thing anyway?"

Steve Dave shrugged, ruffling his cape. "WHOA I HAVE A CAPE!!!"

"No shit sherlock.... umm.. Weren't you a hefty sob?"

Steve Dave shrugged. "Last time I checked.... I guess I must have got some muscles with this armor."

"That's a stupid reason. I bet it has something to do with the armor and you sucking in your gut.

Anywho.. I'm going to go kill someone for money. Wanna join... I could use your 'Dark Knight' Image

for something." Evan said waving one hand in the air for emphasis on Dark and Knight.

"Ok." Steve Dave said with a shrug.

And thus the reunited friends walked off into the sunset(actually sunrise) towards their destination.

Where they would work in politics and earn their keep in the world.

"HEY!! WHO'S SAYIN THAT!!"

The hobo that had been stalking Evan ran away having been found out during his monologue.

****************

Later that day Evan and Steve Dave (Heretofore referred to as Steve for shortness reasons but also

referred to as Steve Dave for comedy reasons) sat in Evan's favorite bar guzzling beer and laughing

about Evan's easy job.

"Dude you were so queasy when I told you to peg that nun to the wall so I could hit the padre with the

knife. He was clearly the guy that was needed to be killed for my paycheck to come in." Evan said with

a grin as Steve nervously shrugged off a pat on the back.

"Well. I haven't exactly killed anyone before. I mean... It was a priest. Sure he was sheltering terrorists,

but shouldn't some government hit man take him down?"

"Dude. I am a government hit man."

Steve Dave stepped back off his stool. "I didn't even peg the nun to the wall I just walked away and

tried to ignore the fact that you kill for money."

"Oh.... that's why the nun was all bloody.... and why I had to use two knives..... and why I had to toss

the first knife at the nun to get her down so I could nail padre McTerroristhelper."

"You're twisted.... I don't even think you have a government job!!! WHO DO YOU WORK

FOR!?!!?" Steve Dave screamed, getting the attention of some local bar peoples.

"Keep it down. I've got like five targets in this bar alone that I have to kill before I leave.... Shut up....

anyway I work for BBBD... he's interesting.... and definately gay.... yup a real flamer."

With that BBBD appeared all spy like behind the pair. "Who's your friend?"

Evan shrugged. "Says he knows me... but I don't know where.... I'm thinking from bingo."

"Is this BBBD?" Steve Dave asked.

"WHY DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP CALLING ME THAT!?!?!?!" BBBD screamed.as he threw his

hands in the air and bugged his eyes out.

Evan blew his nose on BBBD's sleave and farted.. "Cause your Blue Burny Black Dude... Dude...."

"Dude." Steve Dave seconded.

"Duude." Evan retorted.

"Dude." Steve Dave continued.

"Duuuuude." Evan said with a grin.

"Ya got a point, but Dude." Steve replied.

"STOP SAYING THAT!!!!!" BBBD screamed, repeating his last screamtastic action.

Evan just blinked. "Can I do someth ing for you?" He asked BBBD.

BBBD sat down beside Evan and opened a classified folder that Steve Dave looked at over his

shoulder. "Those six targets you were supposed to take out here have left already out the back."

"That's cause you distracted me." Evan stated.

"THEY WERE GONE AN HOUR AGO!!!" BBBD screamed. He then calmed down and pulled out a

sheet of paper that was pink.

"See?" Evan said to Steve Dave taking the paper. "Total flamer."

"Shut up." BBBD ordered. "This is the location that the targets were headed towards. They somehow

got information about you and your ties and the hits on their heads."

Evan looked at the picture and looked somewhat confused. "That's the Tendo dojo."

BBBD nodded his blue furry head. "Yes. They were told that you have strong family and marital ties to

the family that lives there and they're going to ask for a ransom."

"Ok....um.... I think they got the wrong guy... wait.... oh poop.... I gotta go... and well.... kill stuff

before other things get killed....." Evan then began to mutter. "This dream is fucked up.... and really

fucking long.... I think I'm comatose.... seriously."

BBBD and Steve Dave just stared at Evan. "What is he talking about?" BBBD asked.

"Dude." Steve Dave replied.

"Stop that."

"Duuude."

BBBD screamed, and ran away.

"Duuuuude."

"Dude?" Evan asked.

"Dude." Steve Dave said with a nod.

"Dude." With that both Evan and Steve Dave walked out of the bar. At that exact moment, the gravity

of someone knowing that Evan had connections to a family that could be very much endangered

because of said connections hit him.

"Ow.... what hit me....." He then went to Ice form and began to cross country ski to the apartment.

***********

"I'm home!" Evan called out as he opened the door.

"Oh shit!"

BAMF!!

Shuffle Shuffle, buckle, ziiiip.

Just then Josh and Ranma came out of the kitchen fully clothed but sweating like pigs. "Hey Evan." Josh

said with a fake smile. "Good to see you."

"I'm not cooking dinner in there for a WEEK. Anywho.... did some guys drop by? Um... and I found

Azreal."

"I'm STEVE DAVE!!!!"

Josh nodded. "Yeah... a bunch of guys came by so Ranma made them some tea and I told them your

life story. Why what's up?"

"Oh that's nice.... cause they're Terrorists who want to kill me.....and the Tendos... mostly cause I

know them..... so um..... Teleport?"

Josh nodded. "Sure. By the way. I told them you were in love with Akane."

"Congratulations!!" Ranma stated. Giving Evan a card that said 'We hope it's a boy'.

"I don't fall in love with people the way Josh does.... sorry." Evan replied. "And.... um.... here..... you

need this." He said, handing the card back to her.

Josh glared at Evan and then looked up at Steve Dave. "Wait-a-minute. Steve Dave's Azrael?" He

asked.

Steve Dave nodded and then pointed back at him. "Yeah well you're blue and Evan can turn into ice."

He stated.

"Good point." He said before teleporting away with everyone headed to the Tendo dojo.

"Chii?" Called the robot thing from the kitchen.

*****************

As Evan and 'da crew' appeared just outside of the tendo dojo he stopped. "Was Chii in the kitchen? I

swear I heard her." Evan noted the looks on both Ranma and Josh's faces and shook his head.

"Twisted."

Josh shrugged. "Man she's just a robot. I don't care what she sees... but now that you mention it Chii

would be a sensible name for her."

Evan covered his face with his hand and continued shaking his head.

"I think it's a cute name!" Ranma said hugging Josh's arm.

"Who are you!?!?" Came a brutish voice from behind the barrel of a magnum that was pointed at

Evan's head.

"Huh?"

"You!! You're the HIT MAN!!!" The thug said.

Evan nodded. "How'd you recognise me?" He asked.

"I showed them pictures." Josh stated.

"You suck.... you know that don't you.... yes you do.... yes you really suck... yes, for real, sucky....like

Ranma..."

WHACK!!

Ranma took her fist out of Evan's face and hugged Josh. "Don't talk about my fluffy muffin cakes like

that!" She demanded.

Evan pointed at Ranma and shook his head. "Shoot her... for the good of the world shoot her."

"HEY!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME I'VE GOT A GUN!!!! IT'S MAGNUM!!!!" The terrorist said.

"P.I.!!!!!" Evan screamed as he threw his hands up in the air.

Josh then teleported himself and his new fiancé into the dojo living room where three other terrorists

were sitting with Kasumi... who had made them tea. "Oh hello Josh. Would you like to join us?"

"Uhhhh. We're here to rescue you sweety."

WHACK!

"I mean Kasumi." Josh corrected rubbing his ribs.

Ranma nodded in approval. Kasumi smiled. "I suppose you'd want to talk to these gentlemen here

then." She stated motioning towards the three terrorists who now had their weapons trained on Josh

and Ranma.

"So uhhh Kasumi... where's Ranma, and Ranma, and the others?" Josh asked.

Kasumi looked thoughtful. "Well the Ranma's went to your apartment to beat you up. Akane went to

the bar, Nabiki's extorting money from Kuno, Father and Genma are helping master Happosai with his

chores, and auntie Nodoka is practicing in the park."

Josh put his head in his hands. "So Ranma's are attempting assault, Akane's drinking underage,

Nabiki's running her own mini-mafia, Genma and Soun are on a panty raid with the biggest pervert in

Japan, and Nodoka is brandishing a lethal weapon in public?" He asked.

Kasumi nodded.

"And you're harboring fugitives." He finished off.

Kasumi nodded again with her usual pleasant smile.

Josh sighed. "Is there anything this family does that ISN'T criminal?"

With that the unconscious body of the outdoors terrorist flew threw the rice paper walls and impacted

with one of the other 'fugitives' and knocked him to the floor. Evan laugh flowed into the room as he

tossed a flash bang in and waited.

BOOM!!! SMACK!! KAPOW!!! ZOING!!!! (Enter more batman sounds as nessary to get the

general idea of a beatdown.)

Evan and Steve Dave stood triumphantly over the unconscious bodies of the terrorists as his blinded

friends slowly regained sight.

"RANMA!!! YOU I KILL!!!!!" A voice screamed from behind Evan.

Evan didn't think (No surprise) and reacted, bringing his fist to meet the assaulted's face, knocking the

attacker down. Evan grinned and turned around to survey his latest accomplishment. He smiled..... then

his smile faded. "Oh shit..... She wasn't on the list at all!... where's the fifth one.... that sneaky bastard

has to be somewhere!"

"Miss Kasumi I think your cookies....." His sentence was cut off as a shuriken gorged itself into his

windpipe and he began to choke on his own blood and then he made a funny gurgly sound that made

Evan laugh.

"He is the judge, the jury, and the executioner." Josh stated cryptically. "He is Stallone."

"But he is not the clean up crew... that's messy.... Kasumi?" Evan stated with puppy dog eyes.

"Oh my. I better get a towel." Kasumi stated, putting her hand to her mouth, covering it.

"Or two."

"How about a casket?" Came a new voice from the doorway.

Just then everyone in the room turned towards Nabiki who had just gotten home. Josh looked a little

sheepish. "Ah... Nabiki. Done with Kuno already?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Ever since Ranma-chan started acting girly and started wearing women's

undergarments it's not hard to make a sale with him."

"HEY!" Ranma yelled at the brown haired newcomer.

Nabiki walked in and looked around at all the dead bodies. "Dad is gonna be pissed, are you

responsible for this sweet heart?" She asked Josh with a smirk.

Josh frowned. "I'm not the government agent hit man. He is." He stated pointing to his best friend.

"Just doing my job ma'am. I'll be on my way now... HOLY SHIT!!" Evan screamed as he was

glomped from behind by a mysterious person.

"WO DE AIREN!!!" She called out happily.

"WHAT IS FRENCHY SAYING!?!?!" Evan screamed, looking for support as he staggered around

with a girl clutching him for dear life.

"Uh..." Josh stated, just now realizing that there was a new female occupant to the room that he

recognized. "Evan she's Chinese... that's that Shampoo girl I told you about."

"The one who wants to kill and marry Ranma for some reason.... sorry... I don't watch your series

people..."

"Right well you just kicked her ass and she just called you her husband." Josh finished.

"CONGRATULATIONS!!!" Ranma chan stated. "We hope it's a boy!"

"SHOVE IT PREGGERS!!!" Evan screamed at the pregnant girl (hence the preggers...).

Nabiki flipped through her Japanese to Chinese book and nodded. "Yup. She called you husband all

right."

"Okay... I guess I'll just... ZING!!!"

With that Evan slipped out of his new fiancé's grasp and bolted for the nearest safe haven. "Now who's

the slut?"" Josh stated with a smile.

*******************

author's notes: {Evan's got Shampoo, I've Had Ranma, Kasumi, and Nabiki... How many more

Ranma characters are we gonna bag? I mean... we're on a roll. That's all.}

(You lazy lazy fiend. I'm done.)

Morden Night: mordennight@hotmail.com

http://mordennight.tripod.com

Agasaki Ishano: evanthewanderer@hotmail.com

http://fakewebsite.com

(I wonder if that's a website... someone check that.)