Sorry for taking longer than usual in posting this chapter, but we had many occupations during the past few weeks and we were unable to do it sooner. Good news is that we had a long brainstorm and we came up with some ideas that have us drooling. Once we finish this activity – that hopefully you will share too – we will start writing them and we will continue posting updates very regularly.
Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to us and it's definitely a big encouragement to continue writing this story.
Chapter 38
A nessuna cosa
Being an acoustician, Nocturne had one of the biggest sound data banks any cybernetic organism had ever possessed. She collected sounds with passion, not even the simplest shadow of a noise being insignificant.
But when she heard the very familiar hiss of the door closing, her audios decoded it the same way they would've done a termination sentence.
Ratchet's face was full of sympathy and comprehension, but that didn't ease her fears.
"Is the room temperature proper for you?" he asked. "There is energon in the container if you need…"
She shook her head slowly, trying to fixate her gaze on anything that wasn't the medic's features. She was so transparent at that moment, so fragile.
Ratchet approached a chair and sat beside the repair berth. "Nocturne, I understand you have been through a living hell, and the last thing I want is to make you feel even more uncomfortable, but please understand that I have to ask you some questions and perform a complete scan to evaluate your status and repair any physical damage you may have received."
She nodded slightly. Refusing would have been too suspicious; perhaps she could buy some time if she answered his questions, perhaps she could avoid a further examination if she proved to be functional enough…
"Are you in pain?" Ratchet asked.
"No… not much, at least. My head is sore but my self-repair circuits are already working on the damage."
"Yes, I can detect that, and my scans don't show any serious damage in your processor, but still we have to take all the precautions. As a former medic, you should know how delicate cerebro-shells are."
"Affirmative."
"When was the last time you recharged?"
"Last solar cycle."
"What about refuelling? Did the Decepticons provide you with energon regularly?"
She nodded, noticing how her affirmation seemed to surprise Ratchet; obviously he was expecting a negative. There was also a concerned expression on his face; discomfort would have been a more proper description. Nocturne knew he didn't know how to approach a certain delicate issue. She didn't blame him, but she had her own problems; she didn't know how she was going to respond without revealing, even if partially, what had really happened in the enemy base.
"Nocturne…" he started, "even though we barely said a word to each other when we worked in the Iacon Research Facility, I hope you were aware then that my biggest priority has always been my patients' welfare, a fact that hasn't changed."
Nocturne was somewhat surprised he remembered her. She had been assigned to that facility indeed, practically right after her creation, but she had spent most of the time working under Ratchet's assistants' orders. At that time she was nothing but a young scientist with remarkable engineering talent and an even bigger passion for acoustics.
"Yes, I'm aware of that," she replied with the shadow of a voice.
"Which is why I hope you will forgive my bluntness. Tact has never been my forte."
"I understand."
"Whilst you were prisoner of the Decepticons, we all feared they were… abusing you."
She hurried to shake her head in denial. She repented the gesture immediately, noticing Ratchet's confused countenance.
"No…" she said. "They didn't… I mean, they wanted to but…"
Rough language had never been regular in Nocturne's data banks, but she cursed herself. What was she doing, reacting so nervously? Obviously Ratchet knew there was something behind her words…
"Nocturne, I understand this must be very difficult for you to talk about, terribly painful and humiliating… Taking advantage of someone weaker to subdue them into fulfilling filthy and cowardly pleasures is one of the vilest crimes of all… and as we all know, the Decepticons have engaged in such practices since the beginning of the war. They are to be blamed for the severe decrease of the female population on Cybertron."
Yes, she knew all that, and yes, she had been assaulted by all kind of fears concerning her dignity when she had been taken prisoner in the first place. But what happened next… how could she say what had happened, if she couldn't put it a name herself?
"Imagining you at the Decepticons mercy was an unbearable thought. Nocturne, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Being victimized is never the victim's fault. What you went through was an inferno, but every mechanoid in this base will do everything in their power to help you recover. And that includes me. Please trust me, you can talk to me, I can help you. I may not be the best talker but I'm a good listener, and right now your tranquillity is as important to me as your physical condition."
Of course, rape was everybody's certainty concerning her, it had to be. She repressed the thought, but Nocturne was sure that even that situation would have been easier to face than what had really happened.
She had to find her voice, she had to find a cover.
"I…" she managed to speak again, putting all her energy into her vocaliser. "I also thought that my fate was to become a common pleasure object… but the Decepticons needed me functional to operate my frequency decoder."
Ratchet was listening with all attention, but she was sure he wasn't even close to being convinced.
"I need to have clear mental patterns to operate it," she explained. "I guess that's why they… they didn't abuse me… physically…"
"I see…" Ratchet said, standing up and writing something on a data pad.
Primus, he wasn't believing her…
"Were you incarcerated? Who was in charge of you? Megatron?"
"N…no… he assigned me to one of his lieutenants… the… the C…Communications Officer."
His name danced inside her vocaliser, unable to be pronounced. She knew that if she did, she wouldn't be able to hide her emotions.
"You mean Soundwave?"
A strong shock travelled through her body. Her outer appearance didn't show it, but from inside all her circuits were flirting with general failure. She thanked Primus that Ratchet wasn't scanning her in that precise moment.
"Yes…"
"Did he hurt you, tamper with your body or mind somehow? His sadism is well known among our ranks."
"He… he threatened to destroy my processor if I didn't operate the frequency decoder for him… I… I had no choice."
"That's completely understandable, please don't feel bad about it. But Optimus Prime is the one who has his own questions about that. My main interest is your welfare, Nocturne, only that."
Once again, she focused her glance on anything except Ratchet's face. She had to continue speaking, she had to avoid a complete physical examination by all means.
"He didn't hurt me, not physically, not mentally. He treated me as if I were a tool."
"I see… But as far as we know he wasn't the only Decepticon that had constant contact with you, is that correct?" Ratchet said very carefully, sitting beside her again.
The touch of Starscream's lecherous frame returned to Nocturne with unexpected force. She could remember his hands travelling over her body, his invasive mouth plates searching to take over hers, his masculinity at the edge of forcing his way into her…
"I… I didn't…"
"It's okay, Nocturne, once again I apologize for my bluntness… but if Starscream physically abused you, it's very probable that your intimate circuitry has been damaged…"
"No! It's not damaged… I mean… Blaster arrived just in time to prevent that Decepticon from… from raping me."
Finally, the word had been pronounced, and by her own vocalizer. And it wasn't the word that she was fearing, it hadn't been since the first moment his hand had grazed her. Ever since that moment, she had known that rape was not a possibility anymore.
S…Sound…
She had to deny his name, block it. Doing so was her only cover, if she had any left. How could she deny she had had consensual intimacy with an enemy? How could her intimate circuitry hide it? Traces of his touch were still inside her, pulsing attuned to her spark. Mere physical pleasure would have been gone, disappeared like a momentarily thought, but she knew there was more, much more, behind what had happened between them.
A bond had been created, a bond she still wasn't able to understand, especially now that she felt so far away from who had created it, isolated from him.
"Whatever you say won't leave this room," Ratchet said with the softest tone of voice he had ever used. "I promise."
Nocturne tightened her hands with anguish. She didn't know what was happening to her. She felt disgusted by what had happened with Starscream, but that wasn't the main cause of her suffering. Did that make her a traitor to herself?
But she needed to focus. She had indeed been victimized, and medic Ratchet was expecting an answer, as was she.
"That Decepticon… Starscream… he… he harassed me from the moment I arrived at the Nemesis… He insisted I had to be… assigned… to him, but Megatron said I was a gift for… for the Communications Officer. That kept me safe for some cycles, but Starscream found a way to get to me… He… he touched me, hurt me… but Blaster saved me from a situation that could have been worse."
Nocturne wore out all the words she could say about the matter. She didn't know if it was enough but she couldn't go on, not when the pain in her spark was getting so intense.
Ratchet seemed to understand her anguish and stood up, giving her more space.
"You are exhausted, Nocturne, I can see that. In your current condition the best you can do is rest. Although protocol demands I perform a thorough examination on you, I will skip that, at least for today. I'll perform a general scan of your structural damage and will inject a tranquilizer into your fuel line to help you recharge."
"Yes… thank you…"
Nocturne was grateful for Ratchet's compassion, being spared from a complete examination meant her secrets could remain hidden within; hidden for another cycle at least...
-----------
As he carefully scanned every mechano inch of Nocturne's armour, Ratchet internally shook his head. The marks on her wrists exposed the fact that she had been chained, Primus knew for how long… Even though she had insisted that no intimate damage had been inflicted upon her, Ratchet had his doubts, or better said, he had his suspicions.
It wasn't strange for her to deny what had happened; it was to be expected. The image of that pretty and delicate femme chained to some cell in the depths of the Nemesis, submitted to the lecherous pleasures of the Decepticons, was unbearable. Ratchet couldn't help but admire how she was keeping herself together.
Blaster had briefly informed him of the conditions in which he had found Nocturne. One dent on her face and some slight damage to her lower lip component revealed the kind of treatment Starscream had given her. It was no secret that the Decepticon Second in Command had raped and killed many femmes since the war started. Why would he give a different treatment to some lonely Autobot femme? It was disgusting…
However, what caught Ratchet's attention was Nocturne's back. Any other mech wouldn't have noticed it, but his optics couldn't be fooled. One of Nocturne's back plates had been recently repaired. Due to what the repair couldn't hide, the wound couldn't have been caused by laser fire; it seemed more the work of something sharp, a dagger, or perhaps a claw…
But what intrigued him the most was the repair itself, done with high efficiency. He knew the Decepticons had an expert surgeon in Hook, but he also knew that the Constructicon had always been indifferent toward the suffering of others and only repaired his comrades in arms as a way of satisfying his perfectionist personality.
Who, then, had repaired Nocturne? And, most important, why?
Gently, he touched his index finger to the larger of the three marks, the contact immediately causing Nocturne to flinch.
"I'm sorry, Nocturne, I didn't mean to hurt you," he said as he hurried to pull his hand away; she shook her head slowly as if to say she was fine. "I couldn't help but notice that your back has sustained some damage recently. Could you tell me what happened?"
Ratchet waited in silence as Nocturne contemplated her answer; it had been over a breem since she had last said a word, but then again, he had barely said anything himself, just a few requests that Nocturne change her position or a brief explanation of what he was doing...
Nocturne frowned as she stared down at her hands resting nervously in her lap.
"It looks as though it was caused by something sharp... Nocturne, I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but it's important you tell me what happened. My guess is it was inflicted by a claw... Nocturne, was it one of the Cassetticons? Was it Ravage, or one of the condors? "
A dozen different emotions seemed to pass over her features, each one more painful to view than the last.
"N...no...it...it wasn't the Decepticons," she finally responded with a whisper of a voice. "It was before the attack... The space cruiser passed through an electromagnetic storm and it caused some turbulence. I...lost my balance and fell back on some equipment...silly really..."
Ratchet didn't need to see the way her hands twisted about themselves to know she lying; the space cruiser she had been travelling in had passed through that storm at least two cycles before she had been captured, and although they were nearly healed, her injuries were still too recent to have occurred then. There was no doubt they had been inflicted during her incarceration...
Yet, Nocturne chose to hide the truth from him, unwilling perhaps, to relive one of many moments of torture. Certain he wouldn't find an answer to the unexpected question playing on his mind, Ratchet continued.
"I understand... And can you tell me who did the repairs for you? As far as I was aware you were the only qualified medic on board the vessel."
Again, silence was Nocturne's immediate reply. She shifted uncomfortably on the repair berth as what seemed to be a look of fear coloured her features; Ratchet wished in that moment he could read her thoughts and spare her the interrogation.
"Meteoracer..." she said without further elaboration.
Internally, Ratchet sighed. He didn't want to pressure her any more than he had to, but he knew her recovery would not be found along a path paved with denial.
For a moment he considered challenging her, forcing her to admit what she'd been through... But as he looked at her fragile, hunched form, he realised he couldn't do that to her...
"Well, he did an excellent job. I'm satisfied that your injuries are healing as they should be, although I think you will be left with some faint scaring."
Nocturne nodded her head. "Yes...I thought that might be the case..."
"Anyway, I'm nearly done here, Nocturne. How're you holding up?"
"I'm fine..."
"We can take a break, if you like?"
"No...no, I'd rather you just continue..."
"The sooner it's over the better, huh? I can understand that. I won't be much longer, I promise."
As Nocturne nodded silently again, Ratchet repressed the need to sigh. She was suffering, there was no doubt about it, but aside from treating her physical injuries there was little he could but wait for her to talk.
And how long that would take, Ratchet had no idea.
----------
It wasn't the sensation of Ratchet's touch that had caused Nocturne to flinch; nor was it pain...physical pain at least. It was the memory that it awoke, the reminder of his touch, the touch she would never again experience. Nocturne felt her spark sink further into despair, what had she done in her life to deserve such suffering?
She stared unfocussed across the room as Ratchet continued his examination, silence once again taking the place of uneasy conversation, spoken lies. Free from the immediate threat of being found out as a traitor, Nocturne's thoughts began to drift away from Ratchet, away from the Ark and its orange walls...
Sound...
Her spark dared to call to him, only to be stopped by her processor.
Had she not been under such scrutiny, Nocturne would have shaken her head. What was she doing, calling to him, waiting for his return to her mind and spark like some sick obsession? But even as her logic circuits attempted to reason with her spark, it called again, defiantly...
Soundwa...
Nocturne bit her lip as her body shivered slightly; she didn't notice the look of concern on Ratchet's face as he glanced up at her. She felt so empty, as if all the fluids had been drained from her body, all the circuits, cogs, computers, wires and tubes removed so that she was nothing but an empty shell...
An empty shell with a throbbing spark, desperately reaching out for the one thing that could make her whole again.
S...Sound...
"No. Don't say his name," her processor commanded. "You can't have him, it's not meant to be..."
Nocturne offlined her optics, drowning the orange walls that called her traitor with infinite darkness. Her programming was faulty, she was certain of it; what else could explain her desire, her need, to be with him, to feel his arms around her, to feel his mind and spark, his very essence embracing her own?Her spark ached, stretching out beyond its limits, finding nothing.
She wanted him.
She needed him...
And then it happened...
Soundwave!
Her processor lost the battle, a single word condemning her.
Where are you? Please...
"Ok, Nocturne, we're done here."
Ratchet's voice pulled Nocturne abruptly back to reality, her blue optics blinking in surprise as the orange walls returned.
"Are you feeling ok?" he asked with concern, obviously noticing her disturbed demeanour.
Please...please answer me...
"Y...yes, I'm fine," she replied. "I...I just need a good recharge cycle. That's all..."
Ratchet looked at her in silence for what seemed to be an eternity; once again Nocturne was sure he didn't believe her. But in truth that didn't matter anymore, not when the walls still screamed traitor, not when her spark screamed to be heard...
I don't want to feel this emptiness...
"If you're sure there's nothing else bothering you, then I'll let you go and get that recharge. Although you have sustained some damage to your structure, I'm confident that it will heal without my intervention. As for your head, it will probably be a bit sore for a cycle or two, but that's normal. If you start to feel unwell, or start having problems with things like your coordination or sensory systems, then I want you to come to me immediately, ok? Damaged cerebro shells are something that shouldn't be ignored, and it's always better to be safe than sorry."
Nocturne nodded in silence, barely hearing Ratchet's words over the storm within.
I don't want to be alone...where are you?
Traitor...
"I'd also like to schedule an appointment for you to come and see me in two cycles' time. I know it's probably the last thing you want to go through, Nocturne, but I'm bound by protocol to undertake a full examination of your systems. It's difficult for me to evaluate your status completely without it. I promise I will be discrete, and will do my best to make it as comfortable as such a situation can be. If you would like to have someone sit with you while I'm examining you, that's fine."
Again, Nocturne nodded silently. Two cycles... Two cycles and her secret would be revealed...
Traitor!
I need you Soundwave...please, I need you...
"Do you have any questions? Would you like to have some energon?"
"No...thank you..."
Traitor...traitor...!!
"This probably won't mean much to you right now, Nocturne, but you've been incredibly brave through all this. I can't possibly begin to imagine what you've been through, what you're still going through, but I promise you it will get better. I promise. And as I said before, I'm here if you ever want someone to talk to, it doesn't matter what time of day it is, ok? Now, if there is nothing else I can do for you, I'll give you that tranquilizer and get Blaster to take you to your new quarters. Normally I'd keep you in the Repair Bay for observation, but I think the sooner you're able to settle in, the better. Is that ok with you?"
Soundwave...don't do this to me...please...
"Yes, thank you, Ratchet. You...you've been very kind..."
You don't deserve to wear the Autobot insignia...
Soundwave?
"It's the least I can do," Ratchet said as he took Nocturne's left arm and looked for a suitable port. "Now, I'm only going to give you a very mild dose, just to help you to relax. As you'd know, it's much better that your systems go into recharge on their own rather than being forced."
Nocturne could feel the yellow liquid making its way through her fuel line as soon as Ratchet injected it. It felt warm, hot almost, pulsing through every tube, every limb, every system.
SOUNDWAVE?!
You don't deserve happiness...
"You should start to feel it working soon, if you want to take some time to explore your new quarters or perhaps have a cleansing session that's fine, but don't overtax yourself. I want you to get as much rest as possible."
"Ok..."
"I think Blaster is still waiting outside, he'll show you the way to your quarters."
Where are you? Where are you? WHERE ARE YOU?
Nocturne slid slowly off the repair berth and took two steps forward; the first two steps of freedom. Ratchet watched her carefully, the expression on his face a mixture of compassion and concern. He gestured towards the door with one hand whilst moving to guide her with the other; Nocturne opened her mouth to thank him again but found she could no longer find the words...
Soundwave, I'm begging you! Please! Tell me where you are... I can't find you!
You are a traitor!
Suddenly fatigue began to sweep through her systems, swift and overpowering like the Decepticon attack that had started her suffering. Nocturne moved to take her third step but her body could no longer support her weight and she found herself falling; her knees hit the ground with a dull clang.
"Nocturne? What's wrong, Nocturne?"
Where are you?
Her spark continued its desperate search as a dark, featureless figure moved within the haze of accusing orange. She could feel gentle hands on her shoulders, holding her firmly.
"Nocturne, can you tell me what's wrong? Are you in pain? Do you feel sick?"
Please... Where are you?
Traitor!
Nocturne felt as though she was drowning, nothing but voices and agonising emptiness surrounding her. What was wrong? She didn't understand...
"Nocturne, can you hear me?"
She wanted to respond but her vocaliser failed to work. She felt herself fall forward...
I can't find you.
Traitor!
"It's ok, Nocturne, it's ok..."
Hands, guiding her, lying her down...
I can't find you. I can't find you...
Traitor! Traitor!!
Darkness came, smothering the walls, the hands, the voices...
All but the voice of her spark...
I can't find you, I can't find you, I can't find you...
The emptiness...
I can't find you.
Oblivion.
To be continued.
Please let us know what you think, your feedback is always welcome :-)