Chapter Thirty-Four: Chrysalis

"Sorry to keep you waiting gentlemen," The waitress bowed as she presented their meals, though in all actuality it hadn't been that long at all.

"Thank you," Ritsu murmured, grateful beyond belief that his entrée gave him a new place to look. His baby belly growling for more calories, Ritsu quickly picked up his tableware and began to eat, even while his heart was pounding and he sank further into his overlarge sweater, feeling naked and exposed despite it's warmth. Moments before their food had arrived, he had finished telling the story he had never told anyone: about meeting Saga-sempai in high school, his longing obsession, their brief romance, their breakup, starting his job at Marukawa nearly ten years later, discovering that his boss Takano Masamune was really the Saga he'd loved, their fights and arguments, Takano's persisting interest in him, his half-baked rejections and confusion, and finally the news that he was now pregnant with the editor's children.

Truth be told, putting all those events into words had been extremely hard on him, and he'd nearly shed tears a couple of times. However, now that it was over with, he somehow felt lighter even through his opened wounds, as if they were releasing pent up infection and beginning to start the process of healing. But even while the relieved Ritsu tucked into his meal, his eyes flickered back and forth to his father's face.

Ryoichi also began his meal, but his eyes and face were focused completely in ruminating all the information his son had just spilt. In truth, the elder Onodera was surprised and yet unsurprised by the tale. For one thing, it answered more than a few tiny inquiries he had of his son's odd behavior as a teen, but he hardly expected such drama from his otherwise quiet boy. And if nothing else, Ritsu's story was indeed understandable, but things weren't quite as simple as that.

The mild older man let the two of them enjoy their food before diving back into the subject at hand, mainly because as cleanly and politely as Ritsu ate, it was still quite apparent he was eating for more than one. So he waited until his son had put away a considerable amount before starting to ask questions.

"How are you supporting yourself at the moment, son?" He asked with genuine concern. "You were admitted to the hospital a few times. Are you getting along?"

"Yes," Ritsu answered. "Quite fine, even with the doctor bills. I have some savings in the bank and I'm earning whatever else I need."

Ryoichi paused.
"Your mother told me you quit your job at Marukawa around six months ago, which I guess was…"

"When I found out I was pregnant, yes." Ritsu admitted quietly. "I did quit, but…Takano-san thought it would be good for me to start working part time again, and I agreed with him. I'm very thankful to be back at work, and my coworkers have been very understanding of my circumstances."

Ryoichi hummed thoughtfully.

"I had heard rumors from the Isaka family that they have had quite a turnover there lately. We've had a bit ourselves, though not nearly as large. So, it was Takano-san's idea for you to start again?"

"Um, yes. I guess he just got a little sick of seeing me bored." He laughed uncomfortably, and stopped when Ryoichi read between the lines and posed his next inquiry.

"Are you two living together?"

Ritsu nodded shakily.

"…For the moment yes, though it's the same apartment building I lived in prior to this. The doctor at the hospital only allowed me to go home if I was under supervision, and so it just kind of worked out that way…"

"I see." His father replied, taking a sip from his wine glass. After setting it next to his plate, he gave a small sigh. "Son, now that you've told me your side of the story, I'd like to explain mine. Will you indulge me?"

"Of course." Ritsu said, trying to swallow back a lump rising in his throat.

"I'm sorry to say this son," Ryoichi said, lowering his eyes for a brief second. "But things aren't quite as simple as whether or not I want to disown you. You see, it's not your mother that's the greatest obstacle, but rather…the business."

Ritsu's eyes widened in curiosity and he leaned forward as his father continued.

"You see Ritsu, as chairman of the Onodera Publishing Board, I hold quite a bit of power in the company, but lately that position is being quite precarious. One of our trustees, Hashiba Jin, is adamantly opposed to same-sex relationships, and wants our company to publicly oppose it and the… 'effects' of the virus. About half of the board agrees, but the other half, including myself, believes that to involve any political issues in our business will cost more than we can afford.

"And…as much as this isn't your problem son…if it were to become known that I had a pregnant son, he would most likely use it to gain control of the board and I would lose control of the company. Hashiba is a good man but is far too emotional and opinionated to run this kind of business. If he were to become chairman his actions would run Onodera Publishing to the ground."

Ritsu's eyes widened in shock as his father disclosed all this, and in spite of the knowledge that this circumstance was not his fault, felt incredibly guilty that his pregnancy was a factor in it.

"Dad…I…"

Ryoichi held up a hand.

"Let me finish son." He said quietly. "However…despite this situation, Hashiba's health is not good. In fact, he was just diagnosed with cancer and the doctors predict he will not last more than a couple years, if even that.

"Ritsu," Ryoichi said, his calm, green eyes meeting his son's. "I do not want to disown my only son…and so, I must make a very selfish request of you. I want to ask…that you do not have any contact with the family for the time being."

"But…" Ritsu swallowed. "What does that mean?"

Ryoichi smiled half-heartedly.

"It means we are going to do nothing. It's actually a very powerful tactic in opposing someone who is stronger than you. Time is a funny thing, son. It changes things, quells tempers, and allows hot issues to fade into the background. As time passes, people will forget the initial shock of the virus outbreak, Hashiba will focus more on his health and less on his lobbying, and the children born of this time will eventually be able to go on and live normal lives.

"And so Ritsu, it is my wish that you remain distant from your mother and me for the time being. I will not disown you, but contact between us must remain minimal. I know this may seem harsh of me son," His father murmured, lowering his eyes. "But you have made it clear to me that you do not wish to succeed me in the company, and I respect that. If anything, I believe this path is best for you…and your children. It's time you stop letting the shadows of the past hang over you Ritsu, so that you can begin living again.

"And who knows?" Ryoichi said with soft eyes. "Your mother has always wanted grandchildren. Maybe after things settle…she'll come around."

Ritsu sank back into his chair, a myriad of emotions rising in his chest. He brushed back a stray piece of his bangs, not quite whether he should feel relieved, hurt, or even just afraid. But as he pondered and processed his father's words, he realized that with his father's decision, not a whole lot would change. He still would have his parents in name, if nothing else, but even that farce was a ray of comfort to him. He wasn't alone. And there was even a faint glimmer of hope that one day his babies would have grandparents.

Maybe with these small reveries, he could find the strength to move on as well…

There was just one thing standing in his way.

Seeing a flicker of pain surface in his son's green eyes, Ryoichi leaned forward and addressed him kindly.

"Son, I'm sorry it has to be this way. If I could, I'd—"

"No dad, it's not that." Ritsu interrupted. "In fact…I'm so grateful to you. And I want to do exactly as you've said. You've spent your entire life building the company, and I don't want to be the one to take it away from you."

Ryoichi breathed a quiet sigh of reprieve, but could sense there was more lying behind the melancholy pools of his son's eyes.

"Ritsu, you say that…and yet you look so unhappy. What could possibly be troubling you to this extent?"

Ritsu's brow furrowed grimly and he rested his head wearily on his elbow.

"Dad…I just…I don't know what to do anymore...about Takano-san."

Ryoichi looked at him with concern, a vapor of anger rose at the thought of that man giving Ritsu such distress. Even though there were many clear issues surrounding his son's relationship with Takano, Ryoichi sensed that the bulk of it was now residing in Ritsu's psyche, forming an effective barrier of emotional baggage that no one could penetrate. And knowing quite a bit about complicated relationships himself, the elder Onodera could sense what the heart of the problem was.

"Do you love Takano-san, Ritsu?" Ryoichi asked, intertwining his fingers and setting his hands in his lap.

Rather than be caught off guard by the question, Ritsu sighed heavily, as that inquiry had been turning circles in his head for longer than he knew.

"…I don't know." He replied, sliding his hands into the warm pockets of his sweater. "There are so many things going on between Takano-san and me and…Dad, I don't even know what love is anymore. I mean, I don't feel all fuzzy and content when I'm with him but…at the same time, I…don't hate him. What—what does that mean?"

A knowing smile spread across Ryoichi's face.

"You're young Ritsu, and many people your age deal with this same enigma. I have been with your mother for almost thirty years, and it took me quite a while to figure out our relationship and the feelings we held for each other. And the number one thing I've learned Ritsu is that love is not a feeling."

Ritsu titled his head, his dad's disclosure extremely different from all the advice he'd picked up (not to mention all those cliché Shoujo mangas).

"It's…not?" He murmured, his eyes wide with questions. "But what about all the mushy stuff that people are hung up on?"

"Feeling happy all the time around a person isn't love son, it's infatuation." Ryoichi explained with a calm smile. "And infatuation fades over time, it's not forever. Love however is. As I said, love isn't a feeling, but a principle based on actions. Love is seeing the best and worst of a person, and deciding to stay by their side regardless. Infatuation is based on feelings, and feelings are easily broken. Love however, is based on trust. And pure trust… is iron clad."

Ritsu lowered his eyes, trying to wrap his frazzled mind around all that his father had told him. Ryoichi saw his bewilderment and rose from his chair, walking over and giving his son a pat on the shoulder.

"Come on Ritsu. I'll take you home."

Onodera made his way down the apartment hallway, having just gotten off the elevator and away from the slightly shocked eyes of an elderly female tenant. As the days passed and his belly swelled bigger, he had learned to ignore the looks he was given, even though some were painfully obvious.

As he approached Takano's door, Ritsu began to dig in his bag for the key to the apartment. He had texted Takano about twenty minutes prior saying that he would not need a ride home. The editor had been out running some errands and responded that he would be there soon, and Ritsu couldn't be more grateful.

As much as he knew that Takano would race home and probably cause a few accidents in order to find out what happened at lunch, Onodera was hoping for a just a few minutes to collect himself. Having just told his father all about his love life (or lack thereof), he was feeling quite drained and vulnerable at the moment, not to mention it was nearly time for his afternoon power nap.

But as tired as he was, Ritsu hesitated unlocking Takano's door and going inside. He cast his eyes to the next door to the left, where his nearly abandoned apartment waited in silence to be occupied again. Something about his old place stirred up Ritsu's weighted mind and he switched keys, walking over and going in through his own door.

It was still early in the afternoon, but all the shades were drawn, giving the apartment a dim light. Ritsu left his bag and shoes by the door and stepped into his living room, his eyes touching everything in sight. It was so odd being here again. All the apartments in the building had the exact same layout, and it was eerie to see all his possessions in a space that looked so much like Takano's.

Ritsu wandered aimlessly for a couple minutes, checking on the state of things in his kitchen, bathroom, and bedroom. Surprisingly, it wasn't quite as messy as he remembered. Maybe Takano had cleaned up a bit when he'd come over to get Ritsu's clothes and basic necessities.

Onodera sank down onto his unmade bed, giving a heavy sigh and folding his hands in his lap. He closed his eyes, replaying the conversation he'd had with his father at lunch and trying to make sense of all the man had told him. As much as he knew he should be concentrating on the state of his father's company and keeping his pregnancy incognito from it, all Ritsu could really think about was their last conversation about the meaning of love.

It was so strange, and yet so clear. The more Ritsu thought about his father's words, the more he realized that he had had strange and somewhat impossible expectations for himself and others in his dating life. His definition of love had been exactly what his father had spoken of: infatuation. Putting all his focus on what he was feeling, and not what really was.

With an even heavier sigh, Ritsu lowered his head, the stark silence of the apartment grating his weary mind instead of soothing it. This place was just too…lonely.

Intending to leave, Onodera maneuvered his giant belly and stood up, but his fatigue was a little greater than he thought and he tottered against the bed, his foot brushing against something hard as he leaned against the bed frame. Curious, he knelt down and reached under the bed, finding a sealed cardboard box that seemed to be packed full. With a bit of effort, he managed to pull it out onto the floor and saw a label on the side that read "textbooks." That was odd. Ritsu hadn't recalled keeping much from his college days around. Reaching up to his desk drawer, he pulled out a pair of scissors and cut through the tape. He opened the box and immediately found a pile of old textbooks, along with folders and folders of old papers, study sheets, and assignments. He took one out and absentmindedly flipped through the loose leaf papers, but stopped as something caught his eyes.

It was a pink sheet of paper with a border of hearts around the top, like a theme for Valentine's Day. As he began to scan the contents, a faint memory was recalled in his mind. Back when he was studying at a college in Europe, he had taken a religious studies class. And when February came around, an overzealous girl in the class had piled together a list of quotes from their textbooks about love and passed it out. Being rather jaded at the time, Ritsu had tossed it in with some unimportant papers and forgotten about it, but now he read it carefully, each of the quotes stirring his thoughts.

"Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love. This is the eternal rule."—Buddha

"Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart."—Unknown

"To be able to truly love is to be able to love when there is no love in your heart."—Unknown

Ritsu read every quote on the page, finding some quite profound and others a little cliché. However, when he began to read the last quote on the page, he clamped the paper tighter, his eyes widening.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."— 1st Corinthians 13:4

Ritsu read the words again and again, no longer having any sense of time or the fact that he was sitting on the floor in a cold dark room. And with each reading, he found that the heavy chrysalis wrapped around his damaged heart was beginning to open.

Isn't it weird to quote the bible in an M-preg fic?...*awkward silence *

Anyways, thank you once again everyone for being patient with the updates and for dropping such lovely reviews. I know everyone is busy with school starting up again, but even small reviews make me so happy :)

Puppyfacetwo, xmoonlight, Fauchocholat, The Guy Below Me Sucks, Kiyame-Hikari chan, sunset siren curse, Shirasu, Ricchan14, Sakura Flowers Falling, Meggels, kittiyloveranime, Granadaya, and Guest- GIANT GROUP HUGZ TO YOU ALL! THANK YOU SO MUCH! ^_^

the-seishen-of-egoist- As mentioned before, Hisashi is an OC I made for my fanfic "Always" which is about Yuu. It's up on my page as well as the in progress sequel to it "Forever." Thanks so much for the review!

Leigh's Last Laugh- so triple L, did I stick to your prediction? Har har har. Always love hearing from you! Thanks for yet another astute critique :)

And now we are back to Artistica, and we're sailing on some rocky seas again.

With love and hugs,

TBF101