Chapter 36

Losing Myself

A void deep in the realm of the subconscious

-LILA-

"SUCKER!"

My hand had burst into flame the moment I had grasped the angel's hand and in that instant, I knew that everything had gone ever-so-wrong.

I could see clearly now, for the first time since I had awakened (for I knew, now, that I had been awake, that what I took, in my traumatized state, to be Purgatory had simply been a reality that I could not bring myself to accept). My supposed benefactor stood revealed now, a bizarre figure, triangular in shape, yellow in color, with a single eye, stick-figure arms and legs, and ridiculously, a top hat and bow tie.

"Who are you?" I asked, fearing the answer.

"WELL, I GO BY LOTS OF NAMES," he said in a loud, manic, high-pitched voice, "BUT THE ONE PEOPLE'VE BEEN USING LATELY IS BILL CIPHER. ALTHOUGH… MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE. FROM NOW ON, I THINK I'LL CALL MYSELF…" He suddenly turned a infernal red, and his voice became deep and echoing, "LILA SAWYER."

And then I felt myself thrown back as the void dissolved suddenly in a violent flash.

I found myself back in the room I had fallen asleep in, seemingly back in my old body… and yet, staring at myself, in my new body. Its three amber eyes suddenly snapped open, a deranged grin spreading across its face.

"Well, hello, there! Don't worry…. I'm gonna put your body to good use. By which I mean horrifying, nightmarish use." His voice had descreased in volume, but it still had that strange, shrill, unhinged quality."

"You tricked me," I stammered.

"Well, it's not exactly like you made it hard, Hands of Devotion." "I" quipped, grin unchanging. "Honestly, if they hadn't taken the word 'gullible' out of the dictionary, your name would probably be the definition. Oooh! I bet, just now, you thought to yourself just now 'Did they really take 'gullible' out of the dictionary?' and made yourself a mental note to check. Admit it. That's what you did, isn't it. I just… can't get over just how gullible you are! I mean… you actually thought I was an angel! Me!"

I lunged for "me", only to find myself passing right through myself. "Oh, by the way, quick infodump, you're an insubstantial phantom that nobody can see or hear, destined to drift uselessly for all eternity. Good luck with that!" Bill-Lila… Bila, I decided I would dub her, skipped to view herself in my room's mirror. "Oh…. My word. I… am… ADORABLE! Are those freckles? They are! And a dimple! I should've been a girl ages ago!"

"They'll figure out you're not me," I said. "There's no way you will be able to fool my friends."

"Oh, I'm ever-so-certain I will," he said, mimicking my voice exactly. "I can be convincing when I put my mind to it, just oh-so-convincing. That's you. That's what you sound like."

Do I really say "ever-so" that much? I'm certain I don't, just ever-so…

…agh. It's probably really annoying, isn't it.

There came a knock at the door. "Lila? It's Phoebe. I just want to see how you're doing."

"Oh, that's ever-so-sweet of you!" Bila answered.

"Goodness," Phoebe stated, opening the door. "You seem to be in far better spirits than you were earlier today. It's quite a relief. I was worried that your downward emotional spiral was irrevocable. It seemed like there was nothing that could pull you out."

"Phoebe!" I shouted, futilely. "That's not me! Some kind of monster is using my body!" I waved my insubstantial arms in front of her face, hoping to garner a reaction. Nothing. I might as well not exist at all.

"Well, gosh… I guess my friends and family have just been oh-so-positive. I couldn't help but pick up on it."

That stung. I had taken them all for granted, locked in the delusional state I was. Helga had bled to save my life, even though I knew she had never liked me. Phoebe had talked me through my metamorphosis every step of the way, even siphoning off some of the pain into her own body. My daddy had been by my side, and even Suzie, who I'd been just ever-so-horrible to. And I had pushed every one of them away… and for what? To believe the promises of some demon who just wanted my body?

And now here I was, helpless as this monster lied to the people I cared about like it lied to me.

…no, it was even worse. I had seen firsthand what wonders Phoebe and the rest were capable of. And now I was like them, or rather, my body was. And he had it. Who knows what kind of havoc he could wreak.

Face, it,… I have screwed up royally. And in this substanceless spirit form, there was no way I could ever set things right.

"Well… that's good to hear." Oh, come on, Phoebe! Surely you can't be fooled by this fake? You're supposed to be the smartest of us! "I must say… it's rather nice to have a friend staying here with me."

"Thank you. I'm ever-so-sorry about the way I've been acting. You've been such a good friend, all of you have, and I have just been such a pill to be around. Thank you, just ever-so-much, for your patience." She hugged Phoebe, something I should have done if I wasn't so wrapped up in myself. I could feel my nonexistent blood boiling at the scene, this… sick parody of friendship that I was forced to bear witness to.

"Come on," I said, and I was just now aware that no sound was actually coming out of my mouth, that the words I was "hearing" was simply my mind fooling itself into hearing them because it knew I was saying them. "You have to see through this. Please."

"I'm just pleased that you're in the path to recovery," Phoebe said. "Perhaps now you're more amenable to eating? You have been neglecting sustenance, and I know from experience that after metamorphosis, you will require replenishment of the energies expended, not to mention the proteins consumed in constructing all of your body's new structures."

"Oh, yes… I'm certain I'm just ever-so-hungry." Come on… do I really say it THAT much? Like, in every sentence? Am I that bad?

"Then, I'll go procure some provisions from the building's cafeteria, and then, perhaps… we can consume them on the roof? I find that the moonlight makes for a rather pleasant ambience."

"Oh, yes, a picnic on the roof, under the stars! That sounds just oh-so-delightful!" I was certain, just ev- just oh-… feeling positive that Bila was planning some sort of betrayal, and yet, here I was, handing substancelessly and impotently, forced to watch as the events proceeded.

Phoebe left to get the food, leaving me once again alone with the fiend wearing my body. "So," he taunted, "How am I doing? I think I'm doing just 'ever-so' well, don't you? She doesn't suspect a thing."

"You won't get away with this!"

"You won't get away with this!" he echoed mockingly. "Jeez, with sparkling dialogue like that, no wonder you're the least-popular character! I've already gotten away with it, prayer hands. I've got Owl Eyes fooled, she's gonna get me up to the roof, and then I'm free. And once I hold up my end of my bargain, I'm gonna have me some real fun. And there's nothing you can do to stop it."

"The others'll stop you!"

"Will they? I'm wearing their friend. They could never bring themselves to lay a finger on me. Especially that purple one. You should see some of the thoughts she's had about you. Hm… now there's something I've never tried… that could be fun, couldn't it? And then I could break her hearts… really grind 'em into the ground! And after I do it metaphorically… I'll do it literally! Oh, I really should wear meat more often!"

I hung there listening to him describe the cruelty he would inflict. Perhaps I could keep him talking and he could expose himself to Phoebe… but no, that was not to be. He clammed up, as if he could sense Phoebe's imminent approach. Right… Rhonda had mentioned that they could sense each other's presence as sort of a signal in the back of their minds, within a certain range. But why hadn't Phoebe noticed anything wrong with my own signal?

Phoebe returned two tuna salad sandwiches, two side salads, and two small cartons of milk and led Bila up to the roof. Bila had by now changed into one of the modified outfits they'd had made for my changed body, finally replacing the shredded Red Riding Hood costume I'd been in since the party.

The two emerged onto the roof. "The buildings here are a bit more spaced out, so there's less light pollution, especially up here on the roof. You can actually see the stars."

"Oh my, you're right! Oh, they look oh-so wonderful. Which one is that?"

"Well… You can see Ursa Major over there, more commonly referred to as the Big Dipper…"

"That's ever-so-fascinating… and that one?"

Phoebe turned to look where Lila was pointing, and in that moment, I realized just what was about to happen. Reflexively, I shouted "Phoebe, look out!" but of course she didn't hear me. Bila took advantage of her distraction and brought both his- my – upper fists down on the back of her head, hard. Phoebe barely had time for her expression to shift to one of confused betrayal before her eyes rolled back in her head and she fell to the ground, unconscious, the night's picnic scattered upon the ground.

"Wow," Bila said. "That was fun! Hey, what kind of face did she have, prayer hands? Shocked? Betrayed? Hurt? I didn't get to see. Kind of a shame. I bet it was priceless!"

"Y-you monster…" I felt myself starting to sob, tearlessly (insubstantial phantoms couldn't produce physical tears no matter how much they wanted). He had already begun to hurt the people I cared about, and he was using my body to do it.

"I know I am, but what are you? Oh, that's right. You're nothing." My face was split by a manic, almost inhuman grin. "You're just going to float there, uselessly, until you finally lose the will to continue existing on this plane and fade away forever." His/my (this was so confusing) face snapped back to a more neutral smiling expression, as his/my wings unfolded. "Oh, well… no sense crying over spilt milk! You- you see what I did there? You're crying, and there's literally spilled milk all around us? Isn't it great when things just line up like that?"

He/I lifted up into the night sky, a bit wobbly. "Never had to work to fly before. These'll take a bit to get used to. Oh well, life's the journey, not the destination!" For a moment, I considered staying with Phoebe, but what was the point? There was nothing I could do for her. But I could follow Bila, find out what he/she/I (these confusing pronouns will be the death of me) was up to, until I got the opportunity to report his/my/our/their (argh!) actions back to my friends. Somehow.

I floated after (I finally decided on) them, staying far back though I wasn't really sure whether distance actually made a difference. It soon became clear that their ultimate destination was Elk Island. I wasn't sure what business they could possibly have there, since the island held little more than wilderness and a few secluded cottages.

I followed them to a series of caves. A placard informed visitors that this was the location of the last known sighting of the notorious Prohibition-era gangster, "Wheezin'" Ed Maldonado. I normally didn't pay attention to tales of the criminal underworld. I find them oh-too gruesome (gahhh… I really do do that, don't I), but I'd heard Gerald tell the tale of Wheezin' Ed in the schoolyard; it was one of his more popular urban legends. Apparently, sometime before I'd arrived in Hillwood, my friends had actually investigated the rumors that he'd left behind some great treasure, only to stumble across a completely unrelated penny-counterfeiting scheme, and the treasure rumor had been officially declared a hoax.

I descended into the cave behind them, following until they came to a seeming dead end. And walked through it. Was that my superpower? Walking through walls?

I followed them, passing through the wall myself. Or rather, the image of a wall. Behind it was some sort of high-tech installation staffed by uniformed people. Had this been here, under Elk Island, even back then?

The arrival of Bila had caused a commotion; it wasn't every day a green-skinned, winged, three-eyed, four-armed girl casually strolled into a room, let alone a secret installation that supposedly no one knew was there. "Hey, everyone!" they called, waving. "What's up? How's ol' Hip Flask doing? Still hovering on the brink of death? What a card, am I right, folks?"

"There was another one?" the man seemingly in charge asked, clearly having not expected this turn of events.

"Another two, but who's counting? Point is, I've got what you want right here."

"Yes, yes… quickly, get the restraints."

"Oh, no, hold on there." Bila said. "We won't be doing that. I'm here to hold up my end of the bargain, and I intend to follow through on it, but I think I'll be holding on to this body. I'm not even close to done having fun with it yet."

"But… "

"The deal was that Hip Flask gets what he needs to live. I've got that in these veins. All you have to do is get at it. You're going to need a diamond-tipped, magnetically-driven syringe to get through her skin. Do that, and the precious juice inside is yours."

"You heard her!" the guy in charge shouted.

So that was what was going on here. Somehow, this mysterious dying leader of theirs needed our alien blood to save his life, and had made a literal deal with a devil to get it done. And I knew firsthand what an injection of that blood could do to someone. Which meant, not only was that demon running loose in my own body, but there would soon be a dangerous criminal mastermind on the loose, every bit as powerful as any of us were. Probably more, since he'd be an adult.

"Didja get all that, prayer hands?" Bila said with a smirk. They'd known I was there the entire time, confident that I could do nothing. That I could tell no one.

But no. I couldn't give up. My friends were depending on me.

Somehow… some way… I would find a way to talk to them. I had to.

A. N.: Man, even the Lila haters gotta feel for the girl this time. Imagine being stuck in a situation like this.

Jose: Unfortunately, it looks like Bill's going to be the one to break those powers in.

Timewarp: Yep, most of those are right.

Nettie: Lila's definitely feeling the regret right now, but she's probably more interested in finding a way to get them to listen to her!

Ezza: Thanks! Glad you're enjoying it!

Next up: "Gotta Get a Message To You"