Disclaimer: I don't own the Hobbit!

Showers and Shocks

With the ship filled on fuel and Bombur in the kitchen, Bofur had decided there was only one thing on the entire Space Station that tickled his fancy: a hot shower.

"So, the cat on the fiddle

Played hey-diddle-diddle,

A jig that would wake the dead,

And up and down he quickened his tune,

While the landlord shook the Man on the Moon,

'It's after three' he said!"

Bofur's words bounced off the ceramic tiles of the dimly-lit shower room. The hot water pounded down on his head. It soaked his hair, making it mat and curl around his shoulders. His hair had always been thick and uncontrollable from the day he had been born. Sometimes Bifur offered to help braid or comb his hair, but that usually never ended well.

Bofur paused in his singing – a song Bilbo had taught him earlier – at the sound of the door hissing open. His fingers remained twisted in his hair, shampoo bubbling out. A shadow passed by the curtain and Bofur followed it with his eyes. Whoever it was had unbraided their hair. He couldn't make them out beyond their stout shape and long nose. It could have been anyone.

Whoever it was – certainly a Dwarf, Bilbo wasn't that muscular – took the shower stall next to Bofur's. The curtain drew back with a shing of rings on metal. They turned the knob and almost immediately steam begin to rise from the hot water. Bofur resumed scrubbing his hair thick with shampoo.

Every Space Station, unmanned or no, came equipped with the necessities of life: showers, cafeterias, libraries, beds . . . the list went on and on. Travelers were not expected to remain in the lodgings for more than a week, as their home was technically their ship, but they could take time to get clean. The Government made sure to leave the Stations fully stocked with shampoos, conditioners, and soaps for the showers. Bofur, like any other sane Dwarf, was intent on taking full advantage of that fact. And the fact of free coffee and muffins in the cafeteria.

"Your Amad ever tell you you can't carry a tune?" Bofur's fingers froze again, this time as he rinsed the shampoo from his hair. He glared at the plastic wall separating the shower. There was perhaps a foot or more of bare space between both the ceiling and the floor of the shower room.

"Neither can ya, Nori," he countered. Nori snorted and Bofur heard the sound of water splashing on the tiles of the shower floor and walls. Nori's hair was finer than Bofur's. Water just ran down it like a creek down smooth stones. Bofur wouldn't say he was jealous, but . . . He would give anything to be able to wake up one morning and not have to brush the snarls from his hair.

"At least I can hit the pitch range."

"What's that supposed ta mean?"

"You were four octaves off."

"And since when do ya know anythin' about music?" Bofur demanded, planting his hands on his hips. Underneath the divider, he could see Nori's feet turning to face him. Soap bubbles pooled around the other Dwarf as he washed his hair.

"Dori cultured me until I could tell the difference between a C-minor and a C-major."

"Well it doesn't matter in the mines," Bofur said. He grabbed a bottle of conditioner and upended it in his hand. It smelled of apples. He'd have to keep this away from Bifur, lest his cousin decided to try eating it. Vigorously running the conditioner through his hair, Bofur continued speaking. "We can sing 'Hi-Ho' for all we want in the mines, and no one cares." Nori didn't speak for a few moments and Bofur was sure he had won the argument. Until his friend broke out laughing.

"No way! You guys actually sing that down in the mines? Isn't that song from some musical in the eighteenth century?"

"Twentieth," Bofur corrected. The conditioner caused his hair to hang in lank strips around his face. "And it was a kid's movie." Nori's laughing on got worse. His howls bounced off the walls of the shower room. Scowling, Bofur stepped out of his stream of water. He turned the handle ninety degrees, caught the luke-warm water in cupped hands, and threw it over the divider. Nori's howling laughter turned to screams of surprise and Bofur doubled over laughing. He didn't care that the stream of water pounding against his back gave him gooseflesh. Hearing Nori swear was enough.

Suddenly his shower curtain was wrenched to the side. Nori stood there, completely naked, in all his dripping glory. He wore a mask of fury on his face. Bofur's laughs caught in his throat. He knew that look. It was the look everyone on the ship tried their hardest to avoid, especially if Nori caught them in a corner. Like a shower, for example.

"Mahal damn you, Bofur," Nori seethed. He stepped into the shower and Bofur sank back against the cold tile wall. "You're going to regret that."

"It was just a joke," Bofur tried, raising his hands in defense. Nori continued to advance on him, his hands outstretched.

"Joke or no, you shouldn't have done that." Nori grabbed his upper arms in a terrifyingly strong grip. Sometimes Bofur forgot the immense strength ran through the Ri family. Nori gave him a wicked grin before reaching behind Bofur and turning the handle completely to the left. The water under Bofur's toes turned icy.

"Please," Bofur choked out, trying to twist out of his friend's grasp. "Just a joke. Let it go."

"Not. Going. To. Happen," Nori said slowly before his grin to a Cheshire level. He shoved Bofur under the icy torrent of water. It struck Bofur like a bucket of ice water, freezing him to the bone. He howled and thrashed against Nori's grip. His friend held him directly under the stream of water.

"Shouldn't have done that," Nori sang.

"Stop!" Bofur shouted helplessly. Already his teeth were chattering against the cold. Water filled his mouth and he spat aside before resuming struggles. "I don't like it!"

"You're not supposed to!"

"I don't like it! I don't like it!" Bofur tried his hardest to throw Nori off him but his friend refused to let go. He just pushed Bofur further under the water. Neither of them heard the hiss of the door sliding open.

"What in Mahal's name is going on in here?" Suddenly Nori was wrenched off Bofur with an undignified squawk. Bofur stumbled out from under the spigot shuddering. He ran his hands up and down his arms, trying to get the feeling back into them.

"Would you let me go?"

"What were you thinking? He could have caught his death."

"It was just a bit of fun."

Bofur looked up, his teeth chattering in his jaw, to see Dori holding his younger brother by fistfuls of hair. Ori hovered behind his eldest brother, wringing his hands together. Bofur tried to smile when he looked over at him, but his lips were too numb.

"Look at him, he's shivering."

"He's – ow! – fine!" Nori yelped when Dori twisted his hair

"His lips are blue!"

"Let me go!"

"Bofur, be a dear and move, would you? Ori, help him warm up." Bofur stepped out of the shower beside Ori. Together they watched as Dori dragged Nori toward he shower. Nori dug his heels into the tiled floor, slipping along with the shoves.

"You can't be serious!"

"It's either this or the belt, and the belt never seems to work."

"I'm an adult!"

"That doesn't seem to stop you from acting like a child."

"You can't do this to ME!" Nori squealed in protest when Dori shoved him under the freezing water. "Stop! STOP!" Bofur grinned at his friend's discomfort, only turning away when Ori tugged at his arm.

"Come on, Bofur, Nori's shower should still be warm." Bofur allowed the youngest Dwarf of the crew to lead him to Nori's open shower. He stepped under the hot jet of water, relishing in both the warmth and the squawks of his friend.

O.o.O

"As a registered crew of the Government, we are required to check in with the Government on an annual basis," Thorin explained to his youngest nephews as he pressed his thumb to the blue screen. It scanned his print then flashed green. A menu popped into view, offering Thorin various choices. "This can be done from the ship's Vein, but at six of your check-ins need to be completed on a Station." He turned to see Kili fingering the string of his bow, his attention drawn to a wall. "Kili, pay attention!"

"But this is so boring," Kili moaned, letting his hand fall to his side. His bow clattered to the floor. "Why isn't Fili here instead of me?"

"Because Fili has already seen this," Thorin snapped. "I showed him on the last Station we visited, now it is your turn. Someday this will be your job." Kili huffed but stepped up to stand beside his uncle. Thorin turned back to the screen. "Now pay attention. You have three options here: update crew member, ship status, or cargo status."

"Are we adding Bilbo to the crew?" Kili asked excitedly. At Thorin's meaningful glare, he wilted. "Right, Hobbit. Forgot for a moment. What are we doing, then?"

"Updating the cargo," Thorin said, pressing the menu on the screen. The three words swiped left to make way for another list. He pressed Medicine-Blue Mountains. The title expanded with the applied date, weight of cargo, and expected delivery date. "Every legal cargo move we make has to be reported to the Government."

"Didn't we make that delivery last November?"

"Aye."

"Then shouldn't we have updated sooner." Thorin sighed to himself at his nephew's pestering questions.

"We have only checked in at a Station two times. These next four months must be updated directly through a Station's mainframe."

"But why didn't we update through the Vein sooner? That was almost a year ago." Thorin leveled him with a glare. "You forgot, didn't you?" Kili laughed, clutching his stomach. "You forgot to tell the Government."

"I have had too many things on my mind lately, so stop laughing." Ignoring his nephew's laughter, he turned back to the screen and pressed update. Three options came up: delayed, delivered, and dropped. He chose the second option and punched in the date of the previous December when they had delivered the medicine. "It does not technically matter when you update your delivery, just so much as it matches up with the date the receiver enters into the mainframe."

"Because you forgot."

"If you say that one more time I swear I will leave you on this Station for someone else to find." Kili sobered up at that immediately. The crew had learned rather quickly Thorin meant it when he said things like that. Bofur had nearly gone crazy with terror when he had been abandoned on Archet for three months after he had angered Thorin. In his defense, he hadn't known Thorin was deathly allergic to walnuts or morphine. Both incidents had ended with Oin intervening at the last minute and Bofur retreating to his room for safety. Until he had been left on Arhcet to fend for himself.

"I'll be good," Kili said. "Are we done with this?"

"Aye, but I need your help in adding Bilbo to the crew as a guest."

"But I thought we couldn't do that because he's a Hobbit?"

"We are adding him as a Man, perhaps a child due to his height."

"Ooh, fun!" Kili said. "Can I do it?" Chuckling at his nephew's eagerness, Thorin brought up the specs for adding a guest to the crew. He stepped aside to allow Kili to play with the screen.

"And how is everything going down here?" Thorin turned to see Balin approaching them from down the hall.

"Fine," Thorin told his first-mate. "Kili and I are adding Bilbo as a guest to the crew."

"With a pseudonym!" Thorin looked over his shoulder at Kili's proclamation. His nephew hadn't turned from pressing buttons, apparently choosing an age for their 'guest'. He turned back to see Balin with a quirked eyebrow.

"I do not want the Government questioning us if they scan us for heat signatures," Thorin said. "Chances are they will simply ignore us if they read thirteen Dwarves and a child as their logbook says it should be."

"I can only hope you are right," Balin said with a shake of his head. He planted his hands on his hips. "Only a day and a half to travel around the Woodland Realm and we will see Erebor once more."

"Erebor in all her glory," Thorin breathed, his eyes glazing over at the thought. "I want Bilbo to see her suns, to stand in the light of seven suns and bask in their warmth."

"The laddie will probably want to stay with us in the end."

"I will have no argument if he chooses to. Perhaps one day he will be able to return to his System."

"Aye, if Gandalf's plans work out in the end."

"Done!" Kili shouted, and the older Dwarves turned to him. Thorin stepped up, Kili shuffling aside, to read what his nephew had written.

Race: Man

Name: Martin Freeman

Age: 5 y-o

Height: 3'8"

Origin: Rohan System, Edoras

"Martin Freeman?" Thorin asked incredulously.

"It's a play on words," Kili said with a grin. "Martin is a Man's name. It stems from some god of war or something from the Solar System. And Freeman. Free. Man. Because Bilbo's finally free from the Shire System."

"The god of war and the free man," Thorin said with a shake of his head.

"It fits," Balin said, nodding. "You best tell Bilbo, so he doesn't get confused." Kili grinned and pressed accept on the screen. The folder slid closed and joined the list of the crew of the Dwarves.

"Did you mention why we were transporting a five year old children from Edoras?" Thorin asked. Kili nodded eagerly.

"I said we're moving him to Lake-Town to be with his surviving relatives. His parents passed away last month and the king of Rohan asked us to move him."

"That should work," Balin said. "Now, about the trip to Erebor . . ."

O.o.O

Bilbo was bored. Dwalin had dragged him to a rather large, empty room. There no couches or tables in this room for one to rest at. Doors and kiosks lined the hexagonal walls. Several light bulbs had blown, more so than in the hallway, and it made Bilbo nervous. The dim lighting combined with the shuddering lights of those that still survive cast odd shadows. He found himself constantly jerking at strange sounds and sudden movements.

Bilbo spared a glance for Dwalin. The Dwarf stood one of the kiosks, tapping at the screen. He had told Bilbo to stay out of his way for the time being as he filed for rations. Apparently it took a lot of concentration. That or he just wasn't very good with technology. Bilbo guessed the latter, if Dwalin's muttered curses were anything to go by.

Shuffling his feet, Bilbo began to make another circuit around the room. He had paced around the room in his boredom, trying to memorize everything about it. With every extra round he began to recognize certain cracks and symbols carved into the wall. A single carving caught his attention, though he stepped away the moment he recognized it: a spider's web. Four levels of hexagons had been carved into the wall in the shape of a web, all connecting at the center.

During his next circuit, Bilbo spotted something he hadn't seen before. A glassy circle had been embedded into the wall. Beside it was a pulsing screen. A round cursor spun on the screen, as though something was loading. Peeking over his shoulder, Bilbo found Dwalin's attention wholly fixed on the kiosk. He turned back and stepped up to the wall. He had to stand on his toes in able to see the circle clearly. It had been made for a Dwarf height, perhaps in the beginning of the Government's rule in the Khazad System. The glassy eye glowed red the moment Bilbo's own was level with it. He became aware of a ray of light shining in his pupil.

Bilbo squawked when a hand landed on his head. It wrenched him back away from the glassy just as it had scanned only half of his. The hand on his head turned him roughly to see Dwlain glaring down at him.

"Don't do that," Dwalin growled. "That's a retina scanner. You do that and it goes straight into the Government logbook. They'll know you were here and we'll all be in trouble."

"I'm bored," Bilbo huffed. "There's nothing to do in here and you're just paying attention to that stupid screen."

"That 'stupid screen' is the only thin' keepin' us from eatin' tastless meat and fruit for the next six months. So quit your gripin'."

"But I'm bored."

"You're startin' to sound like a child."

"You're treating me like one." Dwalin growled at that and moved his grip to Bilbo's arm. Bilbo tugged fruitlessly as the Dwarf dragged him over to stand beside the kiosk.

"Stand there, don't do anything stupid," Dwalin ordered. Bilbo pulled a face but obeyed. Not doing so would have just ended with Dwalin twisting his ear . . . again. He stood dutifully beside the warrior and watched as Dwalin tapped the screen. Names of the crew popped onto the screen. Dwalin read each one carefully, updating information occasionally, before pressing a small button in the corner. Bilbo read what he could, most of the words being in Khuzdul, but found it useless. It wasn't until Dwalin pressed a new name that he could understand anything on the screen.

"Martin Freeman," Bilbo read aloud. He looked at Dwlain. "Who's that?"

"Pseudonym," Dwalin grunted, reading the information for himself. "Some kid from Edoras we're takin' to Lake-Town."

"Since when have we had a child on board?" Bilbo demanded. "I haven't seen a single Man on that ship since I boarded. Are you telling me that we've . . . oh!" Dwalin chuckled at his realization. "Oi! I'm not a child! You can't just say that about me."

"It's for your own protection."

"I don't care. Change it!" Bilbo tried to reach the screen but Dwalin stopped him with an elbow to his chest. "That's unfair. I didn't even get a choice in the matter."

"We can't exactly tell the Government we have a Hobbit on board."

"Well why couldn't you have said I was an Elf? I have pointy ears."

"Aye, and we're going to fix that." Bilbo blanched at the words, topping his struggles to stare at Dwalin in disbelief. "Oh, aye. Oin and Thorin have been talkin' about surgery to round your ears off a bit."

"Y-You're mad. You're all mad!" Dwalin roared with laughter as Bilbo swung out at him. "Blasted, insufferable Dwarves!"

"Relax, Pundurith. I could make you a cat if you like, a nice little tabby with a bad temper."

"Insufferable, know-it-all Dwarves and their lack of manners," Bilbo muttered as he gave up the fight and stomped away. Still chuckling, Dwalin returned to the kiosk, leaving Bilbo to make his rounds of the room once more.

Bilbo continued his boring walk, turning every now and then to glare at Dwalin's back. Tucked away in his pocket, his fingers fiddled with the ring he had won from Gollum. So far he hadn't had the need to use it. Thorin and Dwalin had both agreed that Bilbo needed to keep it with him at all times for safety precautions. Bilbo had just finished his fourth round of the room when a strange noise caught his attention. Pausing, he cocked his head. Whumpa whumpa twee. Bilbo reached a trembling hand to remove the translator from his ear. Whumpa whumpa twee. There was no mistaking that sound. His breath caught in his chest and the walls closed in. He swayed back and forth on the spot, hardly aware of anything going on around him. Whumpa whumpa twee. There was nothing for it. The others needed to know.

He screamed.