Jude twisted his neck to look up at Connor, trying his best to look confused. They were curled up on the bed, a movie playing on Jude's laptop while Maia napped in her play pen. They were just about in the middle of the movie but Connor had reached out and paused it. Jude tried his best to look innocent and confused as Connor twisted his head so that his right ear was pressed down against the pillow, so that he could hear Jude better, as Jude had ended up on his right side for the movie. Jude met his eyes.
"What?" Jude asked, trying to keep his voice normal; trying not to let his thoughts affect him. He didn't want Connor to know what he'd been thinking of.
"Is there something you want to talk about?"
Jude shook his head at the question, but Connor didn't look convinced, saying, "You keep looking at me and you don't look like you're paying attention to the movie at all."
"I'm not allowed to think about things?" Jude knew he sounded too defensive.
"You can think as much as you like, but you look worried. So, I'm worried. So, do you want to talk about it?"
Jude dropped his eyes away from Connor. "It's not something I want to talk about."
"We promised – communication on everything, not just the good things," Connor reminded him.
"But," Jude protested again, "We promised to treat it like a normal family vacation. To not talk about … stuff." His voice cracked like he was thirteen again.
"We can talk about whatever whenever we need to," Connor said quickly. He didn't like it when Jude stewed over things. "Talk to me?"
Jude rolled so that he was on his stomach, with his upper half draped across Connor's chest. Connor met Jude's eyes and was shocked to see that there were tears dripping down his face. Before Connor could say a word, Jude had collapsed against him, his head buried against Connor's shoulder, his arms tightly clinging to Connor's neck. Connor wrapped his arms around Jude's waist, holding him while he trembled.
Connor's mind raced, trying to figure out where this emotion had come from. He couldn't think of anything – they'd only been back together for about fifteen hours, and those hours had been more perfect than he'd imagined in the weeks leading up to their reunion. Neither had done anything in the past few hours to warrant this. Unless … unless Jude had done something while he was still at home. Connor cast that idea aside immediately. He trusted Jude implicitly, and even if something had happened, he was sure Jude would have told him. They were sharing everything with one another now, determined to never have a fight like the one they'd had a few months previous.
"Come on, talk to me," Connor encouraged softly. Jude shook his head and burrowed deeper against Connor. "I need you to talk to me, Jude."
Jude shook his head again, and Connor felt him take a long, deep breath. Connor rubbed his hand along Jude's back, trying to help him calm down. It took a minute and another long breath for Jude's trembles to stop.
"Can we talk now?" Connor asked, trying not to push.
Jude squeezed his arms around Connor, and Connor gave him a squeeze back, but Jude didn't say anything.
"I can't fix it if you don't tell me what it is," Connor prompted, but Jude didn't respond. He just took another long breath and exhaled against Connor's scarred neck. "Please."
He finally felt Jude talk – felt his lips move and form words. Connor tamped down a flicker of annoyance as he felt Jude's words disappear against the side of the neck. Jude knew that he couldn't hear him on that side. Instead of getting angry, Connor took a deep breath of his own before he took his left hand and gently prodded Jude's head away from the crook of his neck. Jude's eyes were slightly red, and there was still moisture gathered along his bottom eyelids. He laid back down against Connor's chest, the point of his chin digging into Connor. He wouldn't look Connor in the eye, and his boyfriend grew increasingly concerned.
"Jude, please. I need you to talk to me. What's going on?"
"I'm sorry," Jude sniffed, and he lifted one of his hands to rub his face. "I just can't stop thinking about it."
"Don't be sorry," Connor said, grabbing Jude's other hand in his own. "Just tell me what you're thinking about."
Jude's shoulders slumped, and then he closed his eyes. "Connor … what happens if you die?"
Connor reached out to cradle Jude's head in both of his hands. Jude pressed his cheek against Connor's right palm, allowing Connor to tilt his head so that he was looking at him. There was an intensity burning in Connor's eyes as he said, "Then you go on."
Jude flickered his gaze away from Connor's honest face, rejecting the idea.
"No, Jude, listen to me. If I die, if something happens to me, then you're going to be okay. You're going to bury me, remember me, and move on with your life, because you will be fine. You'll grow old, you'll watch Maia grow up, and … and … hopefully, you'll fall in love with someone else."
"No," Jude blurted, the protest flying forth before he could think about it. He'd been in love with Connor since the day he'd met him, really. Jude had tried to fall in love with other people when he was a teenager, believing that Connor would never want him back. And it had never worked. He'd never been able to make himself look at someone else for too long, because they weren't Connor. "There won't ever be anyone like you."
"Hey, hey," Connor said softly, clearing Jude's tears away for him. "It's like that quote you put in the front of your book. Who was that by?"
"F. Scott Fitzgerald," Jude sniffed. "But I don't –"
"And it said 'there are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice'." Connor quoted, interrupting Jude. "I don't think you'll love anyone the way you love me. I'm selfish enough that I'll admit I don't want you to. But if I die, then I want you to have someone. I don't want you to be alone."
"I won't be alone." Jude glanced over his shoulder, toward Maia's play pen before he looked back to Connor.
"You'll always have her and you'll always have your family, I know. But they all have their own lives. And Maia will grow up and start to lead her own life. And when that happens, I want you to have someone that you can share your life with. I want someone you love and respect and who loves and respects you to be in your life. You deserve that much."
"I deserve you," Jude ground out, stubbornly.
Connor managed a laugh. "I think you deserve a little bit more than me, but I'll take it."
Jude didn't laugh with him and he slumped down, away from Connor's hands and onto his chest. Connor's hand followed him down, tracing his jawline.
His lips whispering against Connor's palm, Jude said, "I won't fall in love again. I know that I won't. You've always been it for me."
"I just want you to be happy, and if you find someone who makes you happy, then I don't want you to think that it's not okay with me, because it is … And, there's no guarantee that I'll die. I'm really determined not to," Connor reminded him, but Jude still looked as somber as before. "Why are you thinking about that anyway?"
Jude took a moment before answering. "When I saw you last January, I thought that was it, you know. Worst case scenario, last January was the last time I ever got to see you. And then we were lying here, and I was thinking about how I never thought I could be because I didn't think I'd see you before you were home for good, no matter how you were coming home. I can't help but feel like your leave happened, Scotland happened, because the universe was giving us one last chance to see each other." He crossed his arms over Connor's chest and then hid his face away from him. His voice was muffled and barely discernable when he said, "I'm being dumb."
"No," Connor said, "I don't think you're being dumb, because we both know it's a possibility. It's just one of those things that sucks to talk about, so we try not to bring it up. And … I know you put great stock in the universe sometimes, but not everything is a power play. Tyler and I got one of the test leaves because he wrote more letters than I care to count and literally followed around some of the people directly involved in the decision-making process. I'm surprised that he wasn't disciplined for it instead of rewarded, but things have a strange way of working out for Tyler sometimes. It's got nothing to do with the universe and everything to do with him being annoying … in the best possible way for me, in this case at least."
"Sometimes," Jude confessed, still hiding away, "it's hard for me to picture you coming home at all."
"Sometimes it's hard for me to do the same thing."
Jude peeked up over his arm in surprise.
"But, I really feel like it's going to happen because other times I can picture myself back at home so vividly, falling asleep next to you every night and waking up every morning to play with Maia. Something I can see so clearly has to be real."
"It's just scary," Jude said, although the word didn't seem like enough. Scary would never encompass the feeling that would consume him if he got the call that Connor was never coming back. Scary would never describe the way he would feel, holding his daughter and burying the love of his life. Scary didn't even come close to what it would be like, to stare at the decades before him and know that he couldn't share them with the only person he wanted to share them with. But there were no words in existence that would cover any of that, and scary fell from his lips again. "It's scary to think that it won't happen, and I won't know until it's all over and there's nothing I can do for you."
"It's … it's one of those things that I think we're better off not talking about," Connor admitted. "Because it's only going to hurt us more to think of 'what if'. We both know what could happen and I think we've talked enough about the aftermath – not just today, but the few other times it's come up before – that I don't think we should dwell on it."
"I'm sorry for bringing it up," Jude said automatically. He knew he shouldn't have said anything. He'd been trying so hard to keep his thoughts from Connor, but Jude had never been able to hide anything from him.
Connor shook his head. "That's not what I meant. If we need to talk about it, then we should. It's just … It's not something I want obviously hanging over our heads every time we talk. We both know it is, but we can't let it take over."
Jude nodded.
"Come here," Connor said, "Switch to my other side."
Jude rearranged himself over to Connor's left side, one of his legs threading through Connor's and draping one over his chest. He dropped his head onto his arm, his chin digging into his own skin instead of Connor's.
"Are you okay?"
Jude shrugged. "Better than before. I don't think I'll ever be okay when talking about the possibility of you dying."
"It's not like home is without its dangers either. I worry about you too. Anything could happen and I wouldn't be there."
Jude looked uncomfortable at the thought. He never really considered the dangers of home. They seemed petty, pedestrian, compared to Connor's dangers, although Jude had a habit of letting everything he did pale in comparison to Connor.
"Let's talk about something else," Connor suggested.
Jude nodded. "Will you sing to me?"
"Of course." Connor smiled at him. "What do you want to hear?"
"The one, um, I think it's called 'I Just Love You'."
Connor shook his head. "Try again."
"What? Why?"
"Because that one is about being away from home. I am home."
Jude pointed glanced at the rest of the room.
"My home is with you and Maia," Connor clarified. "Don't giving me that doubting look when I'm just trying to be sweet."
"You can be sweet by singing me my song," Jude pointed out.
"Do I look like a jukebox to you?" Connor said, laughing a little.
Jude laughed too, glad that the mood was lightening. "No … There's nowhere for me to put quarters."
Connor snorted, and then Jude blushed. He was distracted from his thoughts when Connor pulled Jude's laptop toward him, minimizing their movie to bring up YouTube. "This time, you can hear the song the way it's supposed to be, not just my bad voice."
"I like your voice."
"Trust me, this'll make it sound better." Connor quickly typed the song name into the laptop, bringing up a lyrics video. He explained, "I don't know the words as well as I should. I was learning it to sing to you, but I'm still not confident with it."
"You learn songs for me?" Jude repeated, surprised.
"What?" Connor laughed. "Did you think I was pulling them out of my butt?"
Jude shrugged, gaping a little. "I never really thought about it. I just assumed you already knew them."
"I mean, I kind of already know them, but it's a lot harder to sing from memory versus singing along, so I pick certain songs and try to memorize them for you. I think you're a little sick of Don't Cry."
"Maia loves it."
"Yeah, but I know what you're like when you're around a radio. My poor truck hates having you as a passenger because we can never get through an entire song before you're changing stations again."
"Your truck loves me," Jude maintained. "Especially since you abandoned it."
Before Connor could say anything, Jude reached across his body and pressed the play button on the YouTube video.
"Hold me like there's no next time
"Like it's the last time you'll have the chance to
"Show me how much you want me
"Like I'm the only thing that matters
"No one knows when the world's gonna end
"So let's make love like we never will again
"'Cause if the sun never rises, I wanna go down in flames
"I want the last thing I hear to be you whisperin' my name
"If every moment together is time that we borrowed
"Then hold me tight and love me like there's no tomorrow
"I hope we live forever
"And that day will never come, but darlin'
"I know if it ever happens
"I couldn't imagine not being in your arms
"There's so much we take for granted in life
"So love me baby like we're running out of time
"'Cause if the sun never rises, I wanna go down in flames
"I want the last thing I hear to be you whisperin' my name
"If every moment together is time that we borrowed
"'Cause if the sun never rises, I wanna go down in flames
"I want the last thing I hear to be you whisperin' my name
"If every moment together is time that we borrowed
"Hold me tight and love me like there's no tomorrow."
Before the song had even ended, Jude had his lips pressed against Connor's, Connor's hands tightly gripping his hips. Any space between them was far too much space, in either of their opinions. One of Connor's hands came up to grip Jude's hair, while the other slipped lower. Jude had one hand down by Connor's head, supporting himself, the other under his shirt, tracing Connor's dizzying pattern of scars.
When Jude lifted his lips to breathe, he whispered, "But there will be a tomorrow, right?"
And while there was a touch of sadness, a touch of doubt, in Connor's eyes that gave him away, Connor still whispered back, "Right."
Sorry this is a little late. I decided to revive some part of my social life last night and then today's Mother's Day, and that's it's own kind of train wreck, as I'm sure some of you my followers who are (mothers, who have mothers, and who have beautiful guardians who have stepped up into the role - happy Mother's Day!
The song Jude references is I Just Love You by Five For Fighting. Connor mentions Don't Cry by Guns N Roses. And the song at the end is Love Me Like There's No Tomorrow by Trace Adkins – which I highly recommend you listen to, because it's basically my soundtrack for their weekend together!
I don't own anything recognizable.
~TLL~