Chains of Memory: Part 35

Today's chapter is not so much a chapter as a montage, but never mind. Doing something different every now and then is interesting for me.

And to touch briefly on why the Orochi aren't simply ignored, that would be easier if it wasn't for Chikane's circumstances. In particular, the fact that she's seen as 'Vice-President' in a rather more cliquish presidental race than the current American one... but in either, a supposed lesbian VP wouldn't help. Not that Palin is a lesbian or anything, as entertaining as the notion remains.

"It's been a while. I assume you are well?"

I smiled thinly, tapping my hand against the table. "Yes, ka-sama. I assume you're in the same position?"

"To a degree. Most likely, I'll be moving into Tokyo two weeks from tomorrow at the latest, all things being well. Perhaps before that. Of course, something may turn up in the meantime, but it's an aim to consider."

I nodded. "For Eikou-sama's sake?"

"Among other things. I also have wider politics to consider. If I need him, it's also necessary to demonstrate he's not indispensable. Lobbying on the Himemiya's behalf isn't something limited to him alone."

"Isn't that dangerous?" I said cautiously. "If we need his support, wouldn't threatening his position drive him away?"

"Eikou is the kind of man who isn't interested in our feud one way or another, something you found, as well. But he's very sensitive to the interests of his family. At the least, this will force his hand. Takuma has also treated him softly as well, out of deference to his role. Ironically, it's the most ruthless of us who is most likely to gain his support… otherwise he'd simply wait until the last moment and declare for the obvious winner. That's the kind of man Eikou is."

"I see." I looked down at the table. "So… if he believes his position is secure whoever takes over, he wouldn't move, but if he thought one side considered him redundant he'd be more tempted to move with them to shore up his position. But won't he be equally be inclined to move to Takuma, if we move first?"

"It's conceivable. That wouldn't be an impossible outcome. I've already prepared for that possibility, insofar as I'm ready to relocate Susumu to Tokyo, if need be. But I'd also indicate to Eikou that before that point, he can move to me, and my position isn't simply one of maintaining his current status, should I become head. Eikou is talented, and would be privileged accordingly."

"Is he going to credit that?" I asked. "We aren't short of branch members we've promised higher status."

"Of course. In Eikou's case, I even mean it… but that's another cause for decisiveness. He'll understand clearly that my deliverance will be in accordance with my convenience rather than my promises. Or simply put, to those most useful to me. It's another way to galvanise him."

I nodded slightly. "I understand." As ever, mother thinks many steps ahead. "You're moving in a strong direction."

"Keihanshin is now a settled business, so my focus has changed, that's all. I've never intended to hold back. If Takuma imagines this will be gentle, he'll see how mistaken he is from now on in. But we're not moving against Shuusei-sama. Remember that."

"Yes. Of course." I looked down at the table, feeling guilty. Mother always works so hard, and she's always planned this, step by step. While she fights her battles I've been playing around here with Himeko, and lost sight of our purpose. "Is there anything I can do to assist you?"

"For now, it's best if you simply take your time and learn what you can. Dabbling is fine, but we want people to consider you a talented and focused person. Once university is finished with, your role will change. Of course, the situation will alter radically depending on Shuusei's health. If he begins to fail I'll be needed there, I'll need you to move for me here."

"Yes. Until that day, I'll continue my studies."

Does she want that to happen? I'm sure it's something mother assesses in terms of strategy, not emotion. That's the degree of the rift between them, something I can't understand at all.

"I wasn't supposed to talk about these things, though. Your father will scold me. How have you been? Is university interesting?"

"It's interesting enough," I said. "Studying to this depth is a fascinating experience, but everything becomes routine after a time."

"Quite. I heard you had some romantic problem?"

"That's resolved," I said, picking my words carefully. Mother always knows, as it were. "In a positive sense, though with reservations. These things are more complicated than I had imagined."

"Of course. But trust your judgement. There's a fallacy in setting romance either aside or above; it's no different from any other relationship you develop, insofar as it relies on mutual interest, mutual interests and acceptance of differences. The intensity is generally higher and sex muddles things, but that's not to be set one way or the other either. Act decisively and with full trust in your judgement. You aren't someone who should ever lose control of the situation."

I smiled. "Somehow I doubt you were quite so decisive with father. If things are that easy, it doesn't really sound like love."

"On the contrary, confidence is love, and it isn't easy. Relaxing can follow after, but the more difficult a situation, the more important it is to brazen through it. That is what I did with Masato."

I closed my eyes, trying not to speculate too much. Just occasionally I wish mother was less the product of a whirlwind and a battletank. "I see. I'll bear your advice in mind."

"Confidence helps in bed, too. Men like it. In any case, I'll leave the rest to you. How is your kenjutsu? I heard your dojo was challenged."

"I'm surprised," I said, very glad for the change of topic. "You have very good hearing."

"Not really. It came to my PA's attention, apparently a friend of hers follows these things. A fairly vicarious hobby. Following these things, that is, not the challenge. That's merely crass."

"I'm flattered by the intention. In any case, he left quietly enough," I said weakly. "If he's someone I could match, then Yagami-sensei was never threatened to begin with."

"Quite. Not just anyone could challenge you, though. I'm glad you saw him off, such people should be taught some manners."

"That was my feeling as well."

"Apparently he was challenging all sorts of people. I shouldn't gossip, though, it's a bad habit. That woman will ruin me in that respect, but I suppose I pay her for it… but never mind. If I'm talking about myself, it's a bad sign. I have a meeting in twenty minutes, so I'd better prepare."

"I'll leave you to do that," I said. "I'll look forwards to your visit."

"Of course. Likewise. Until then."

"Bye."

She rang off, and I sighed. It's a bad sign for my part, too. I should have more to say. But I'm preoccupied, far more than I should be.

Well, I have enough to think about.

I looked uncertainly at a rack of white blouses, searching for one in my size. Finally I located one, pulling it out and holding it against me. "What do you think? I kinda like it. But do the frills make it seem childish?"

"I don't know," Mako-chan said. "You know, I've never taken too much interest in clothes. Nor have you, come to that." She smirked at me. "Isn't this behaviour just a little too typical?"

"It's nothing like that," I said defensively. "We didn't bring much, and so I've been wearing the same thing over and over. It's embarrassing at university."

"That's probably not what you're worried about," Mako-chan said, sighing. "But I'll let it be. It's not bad, by the way. Childish is good. It suits you."

"I'm not sure whether that's supposed to be a compliment or not," I said, returning it to the rack and looking around for something else. It was really hard to decide. I wanted something nice, but I don't have any confidence about clothes, after all.

"Why don't you just phone her up and ask her? Chikane." Mako-chan stuck her hands in her pockets, shrugging. "I'm sure she'd meet you."

"That's not the point," I said. "And besides, right now she's busy with Kyudo."

Mako-chan snorted. "Have you memorised her timetable or what?"

"Not really. She just mentions these things when she phones." I sighed, trying to avoid things with writing. They don't suit me at all. "She's doing Kyudo today since tomorrow we're going to the zoo. I should know this much, at least, considering the situation."

"The situation?"

"I'm always interrupting her important work." I pulled out a lilac blouse, looking down at it. It wasn't really my colour. It'd go well with Chikane-chan, though.

"She does that herself. You don't need to feel responsible, you know."

"Maybe. But I want to feel responsible," I said idly.

Mako-chan sighed. "Well, I know that's not new." She stretched. "Why not Souma? I'm sure he'd love to help."

"If you want to go back, just say it," I said. The yellow T-shirt was nice, too. "I wouldn't mind. But you're the only one I feel comfortable about doing these things with."

"When you put it that way, I have no choice at all," Mako-chan groused. "Fine, fine. But after this, we're going to look at running shoes again."

"Again?"

"Again. No excuses."

I nodded morosely, caught in an agony of indecision. And this was just one shop; I could look at the others, as well… "What do you think? This one, or the white frills?"

"Why not buy both?" Mako-chan suggested. "You're only going to agonise over this, and if you by one you'd say you should have brought the other later. So agonise at home."

"I can't wear both, though," I said. "That doesn't help at all."

"Well, what are you trying to do?" Mako-chan asked. "Look cute, or look sexy?"

"Uhm," I said, blushing slightly. "I don't know. It's not too important, right?"

"It might be important, depending on what you're trying to achieve." Mako-chan looked at my evasive expression and sighed. "So you're planning everything but the most important thing."

"It'll turn out, somehow," I said, trying to sound cheerful.

"Well, if it's you, you can probably get away with waiting for her or… whatever it is you're trying to do." Mako-chan shrugged. "But take both anyway. I don't want to have to come here every single time."

"That… makes sense," I said, going to find the other blouse. I've been concentrating so much on tomorrow that I'd forgotten there's probably going to be times after it. No, there will be times after it, whatever else happens.

"Is this really okay?"

I blinked, stopping and turning to look at her. "What is?"

"This." Mako-chan looked at me, her expression serious. "Not the clothes shopping, I mean. But you shouldn't let yourself be pressured into anything."

"I'm not," I said sharply. "Chikane-chan would never do anything like that."

"I wonder about that," Mako-chan said quietly. "She's headstrong, and the kind of person who gets what she wants. I'm not saying she's a bad person, or that it's deliberate… but she's herself, and you're yourself. That's why I'm worried."

"I'm fine," I said, walking towards the skirt section. "You don't need to worry about me."

"Even if you say that…"

"Because I haven't decided? I'm doing this because I haven't decided," I said, looking down. "Though I don't have confidence, it's still what I need to do. And I am certain about that."

"That will have to do. Well, have fun, too."

"I will." My stomach twisted slightly at the thought of tomorrow. Even though we've seen each other so many times, the feeling this time is completely different. I'm not quite sure what to make of it.

But buying new clothes helped. And then when we were walking back Mako-chan stopped me in front of another store, and I ended up buying a camera. If I can change myself in small ways, that will help for the important things, as well. At least I hope so.

Otoha-san slowly unwound my bandages, letting my hair fall back into place. I looked anxiously into the mirror, holding my breath. "How is it?" I asked.

"Mm. It's healed." Otoha-san touched the back of my head to reinforce the point. "There's no need to bandage it any more. Of course, you shouldn't hit yourself there again, but I suspect that goes without saying."

"Of course. And my limbs are aching less, too." I smiled wanly. "I still don't acknowledge your notion that that was only my fault. I had no choice."

"Fighting on an injury wasn't sensible to begin with," Otoha-san chided, binning my bandages. "I should have made you stay home."

"I got away with it. I just got carried away in the heat of the moment." I touched my cheek thoughtfully. "I won't let that happen again."

"I wish I could believe that," Otoha-san observed. "In any case, I'll leave you so you can shower. After that, I'll wash your hair."

I nodded gratefully at her trust. "Thank you."

She nodded, retreating to my room. Alone again, I stepped forwards and turned on the water. Cold water washed over my naked skin, making me shiver, before gradually heating up. My hair was dragged down, obscuring my eyes before I gingerly pushed it aside.

My breath was steady and my mind clear. It was just… normal. I can appreciate that now.

And tomorrow- tomorrow is a significant day. It came sooner than I expected, and when it came it meant more than I had intended. I can thank the Orochi for that much, at least. If I can spin out this game of Himeko's in the right way, it'll be to my advantage, whatever they do. Not just playing around, but we've committed to… commitment. We're going to make a decision, one way or another. And more than that, the time limit will force her to decide, and in that time I can use it as an excuse to see her as much as I can safely contrive. Mother's right, though it's her politics I found more useful than her romantic advice. A situation can't be resolved in amicable circumstances, not that cleanly or easily. Even if it's hard to bear, tension is necessary to force an issue. And of course, whether it's her politics or my best shot at Himeko, we don't intend for there to be a chance of an adverse conclusion.

Or so I'd like to say, with that confidence, anyway. The reality is this isn't an ordinary romantic situation. I don't know whether it's even possible to realise my desires. But… Ame No Murakumo didn't choose us for nothing. Though I don't want this to be destined, exactly, I do want for there to be a chance.

I washed myself thoroughly, trying to dismiss such thoughts. There's no meaning in negativity. It's exactly as they say, mother and father. Be proactive, there's nothing more anyone can do but that. Well, that and dressing well, but I do have Otoha-san. And I'd have been more comfortable if I'd had more chance to research the layout of the zoo. And I really, really should have read that manga she likes by now, so I could talk about that. Maybe I'll do that later. And I haven't actually checked the weather forecasts yet, but I'll do that as well. It probably won't rain, but it's good to be sure. And-

I sighed. Decisiveness isn't the same as controlling everything. Perhaps I should just stop thinking at all.

Finally, I stepped out of the shower. "I'm out."

Otoha-san returned with towels, ready to facilitate in the troublingly substantial task of washing my hair. There was so much to wash, after all. "A full wash, I take it?"

"If you please. I want to look my best for tomorrow," I said.

"I understand." Otoha-san rolled up her sleeves and began to apply the shampoo. "I'll laid out the clothes you've requested. Will you be wearing your hair down or in a ponytail?"

I frowned slightly. "What would you suggest?"

"A ponytail could be novel. But if you're more comfortable as you are that's fine as well. Either way, it's not an activity where your hair will inhibit you."

"Of course." I wiped the mirror idly, exposing my face again. "And my headband? Should I wear that? I'm beginning to wonder if they're too childish for my age."

"I see. Well, it's your choice, of course. But I think they suit you."

"I suppose so," I said cautiously, looking down at my hand. Himeko isn't just anyone, either. Perhaps looking a little childish is to my advantage.

Otoha-san paused for a moment. "Ojou-sama, can I ask something personal? There's no need to answer, of course."

"Go ahead," I said, slightly surprised. "You know you can say anything to me."

"How far do you intend to take this?" Otoha-san asked.

"I- don't know. Further than this." I looked at myself. "Possibly as far as I can make it go. But I'm aware of the dangers, as well."

"Of course, I'm your confidant. I won't tell anyone about this, not even Kazuho-sama and Masato-sama." Otoha-san continued as she spoke. "But you should be careful. Rumour has a power of its own, with nothing akin to fact. Not least because there are those with cause to tar you anything they can make stick."

My heart leapt for a moment before stabilising. Not them. "Takuma-sama is an honourable person," I said. "He wouldn't stoop to something so low."

"Of course. But the integrity of his subordinates is less certain. Well, it's also true that they're a long way from here." Otoha-san shrugged behind me, still focused on her work. "Needless to say, this should not come to the attention of Eikou-sama, or even that of his family."

"I know. I don't intend to be flamboyant. Nor is there anything to be flamboyant to be about, right now. It isn't a problem."

"That's fine. In any case, you're still young. You have time."

"Of course," I said rather warily. A holiday from the proper course of my life… as if I could think of that as this. But I also remember something mother said once. 'We have subordinates so they can be unscrupulous on our behalf.' It's not impossible that such a rumour could reach Shuusei-sama, if only could come to exist at all.

I will walk a path between my conflicting intentions, Himeko and my family. But as I walk the stakes get higher and the dangers greater on both sides, as well. I don't know if this is something I can do forever.

"Ah, great timing!"

I look around, blinking as I adjusted myself to the rose garden. Here again. And Bishop actually looked enthusiastic. "Good evening."

"Good evening." Bishop smiles at me. "This is good. There's someone I want you to meet, now that she's turned up again."

"Ah, really?" I say, trying to feign interest. "Actually, I was wondering about some other things…"

"This is really good, though. The other things don't run away, so we really shouldn't linger like this." Bishop sighs. "You're in charge, though, sadly. What is it?"

"Um… did you ever go on something like a date with Chikane-chan?" I ask.

"No. Is there anything else?"

I open my mouth, before stopping at her expression. I get the idea, and in any case, I shouldn't feel naturally entitled to boss her around. Whatever she may be. "Never mind. What do you want to show me?"

"The First." Bishop gestures and the landscape dissolves. We return to a field of grass within Mahoroba. If I recall correctly, I stumbled here once with Souma, when we young. There's no sign of him here, though.

What there is another I. This one is dressed in my red robes, not the purple, and is wearing a strange mask I don't recognise. My sword is looped into her obi, and when I look, Bishop's sword has gone. She doesn't acknowledge us, though. I glance at Bishop. "Who is she? I don't remember anything like that."

"This is the First, the original Solar Miko Himeko who served Ame No Murakumo. The two Firsts are wanderers around here, going where they please. They only rarely arrive in places we can visit." Bishop looks at her. "She's someone worthy of our respect. You should approach her."

"What? Why me?" I pout. "Especially now you've made it sound so scary, shouldn't you do it?"

"You're the one who could find useful things to ask her. Besides, your status is higher than my own."

I pout in confusion. "Really? It doesn't seem like that at all."

"Just go." Bishop smiles kindly. "It may even help you."

I nod uncertainly, turning my head and approaching the… First. She tilts her head towards me and I come to a stop. That mask is scary. "Umm. Good evening. I'm Himeko Kurusugawa. The one currently alive, I guess."

"It's a pleasure. You probably already know me. In any case, it's fascinating to meet the one who currently holds dominion."

"Nice to meet you," I say, bowing. I look up uneasily at the mask. "Ah, do you really need to wear that?"

"This troubles you?" she asks, gesturing.

"No, troubles is too strong a word," I say, struggling to keep up with her accent. When I think about it, it's more than amazing we can talk at all.

She takes the mask off, and the face that looks up at me is exactly me. Just like all the others. I'm almost disappointed by that, I'd imagined she'd be older, or maybe have a cool scar. But I suppose our destiny doesn't require us to grow old…

"You have a soft face," the First says after a moment.

"Thanks," I say, bemused.

"So you really do live in a peaceful era. It's strange indeed. In one thousand years, and nine forms in that time, I'm given to understand there's never been an unnecessary moment we were called." The First smiles. "It isn't a bad thought. I won't ask you about your world, though. I've long since given up on following the changes of the times. They only confuse and offend me now."

"You're pretty talkative," I say, rubbing the back of my neck. "That's… surprising. Um, that's to say, Bishop said you were a really amazing person."

"Not really. No more than you." The First adjusts her mask, holding it on her lap. "In any case, you should ask questions, instead. I exist, insofar as this can be called existence, exclusively to answer your queries and lend you my power, so I should at least permit my duty to be discharged once in a while."

"I see." I sat down next to her. "I don't really have much to ask, though. Like you said, I'm not being attacked by anything."

"A peaceful existence."

I sigh. "Um. For one, if you don't mind… do you love Chikane-chan… I mean, your Chikane Himemiya."

"Of course. I have the strongest affection for Himemiya-dono."

"I see." I glance curiously at her. "But one of you had to kill the other, right? Wasn't that horrible?"

"It was. But it was Ame No Murakumo's will," the First says simply, speaking with finality. "With regret and pride we completed our duty. That's one of many things forgotten in your latter days."

"It can't be helped. We don't belong to your world." I look away. "I don't know for her if I love her, and even if I do, it's only going to be hard. She has to worry about her family, and society would only ever be against us. I'm sure your experience was the same, but… we don't die young. Burning out bright, Chikane-chan can't afford to be reckless like that."

"So young. We were hunted by the Emperor's armies for fifteen months before the end."

I blink. "Okay, you have me beat."

"I nonetheless understand the difficulty of your position. But it's a matter of conviction."

"Conviction," I echo uncertainly.

"Everything comes to a single decision. At that point you must be pure and cold and strong, a stern blade. If you wish to violate the spirit of a time, there would be sacrifices to be borne without regret. Nothing worthwhile is free of proof of worth, that selfsame sacrifice." The First closes her eyes. "That is also why I allowed myself to die at that time. Only by acceptance and responsibility could Himemiya-dono find the conviction to do what was necessary, and the forgiveness to live with herself thereafter."

"I see. You're right, I suppose." I look down at my hand. "Whatever I decide, it has to be my own decision. And everyone has to know that… especially Chikane-chan."

"Of course. I will follow your affairs hereafter." The First puts on her mask. "And call me if you need my power. I am strong."

"I will," I say, mostly to placate her. She ripples and disappears, leaving the land around me intact. Leaving me with my thoughts.

Why do I keep coming back here? It's not really something I can put into words, even to myself. This place is close enough to where Himeko and Saotome are, but I don't visit them as often now. I visit this place more. Perhaps because I feel redundant now. Or perhaps it's more small-minded and jealous than that. Because I know Himeko is only thinking about Himemiya and worrying about her and what they should do, and I don't have any good advice to give, or any stomach for giving it. I'm no homophobe, that isn't the problem. And I've got past what Himemiya did in her last life, as well. That and this our different… more importantly, what I did in this life was fairly bad as well. Trying to control and manipulate Himeko to what we think is best, her method was far worse than mine but our ends were the same. The same arrogance. But I don't like Himemiya, and I do like Himeko. That's the problem.

All of that is what he'd say to me, so none of it what I'll say to him. He only sees problems as weaknesses, to be exploited coldly and cruelly not to teach a lesson but for its own sake.

Even so, I'm going to see him. And I don't know why.

"Again?" Tsubasa glanced up at me, his ever-present smirk solidifying around his lips. "I thought yesterday's meeting was supposed to be something final. Or are you playing double agent some more?"

"I think we both know that didn't settle anything, not for good." I looked down at him. "What are you going to do, Nii-san?"

"It's interesting. I'll let them play."

"Really?" I said, feeling slightly incredulous.

"Yes, really." Tsubasa glanced at me. "Reiko will watch them in her own way, since she's finally interested. Miyako, too. But for my part, I've decided on a change of scene."

"You have?" I said. "Where are you going?" I was surprised at my own ambivalent reaction. No matter what, if Tsubasa was away from Himeko, that was good, right?

"North," Tsubasa said. "To Tohoku, where there are vast tracts of agricultural land, and in defiance of the age one great estate has withstood changing times, just as it has adapted to them… one of great interest to me." He smirked at my expression. "You haven't worked it out? The Himemiya, a thousand year-old family, weren't investment bankers in ages gone by."

"You said you wouldn't involve yourself in Himemiya's family," I said.

"Don't worry. It's just tourism," Tsubasa said idly. "Tourism is very good there. Besides, I do intend to keep that pact, if only to watch them squirm at the end of it. I wonder if they'll be so honourable, hmm?"

"Himeko was seriously trying to come to an agreement with you," I said. "Even though you've given them nothing but grief, and no reason for you to be owed anything at all… she'll stick be it, and I'll make you do the same."

"Scary. Your mind really does stop working when it's that girl, though." Tsubasa put his hands behind his head. "Luckily for her I do like games. She's so foolish it's not her I doubt, but Himemiya. Even so, she's constrained by more than just time. Family… is never anything but trouble."

"Himemiya's honourable," I said.

"That's not the word I'd use," Tsubasa said. "You should know, after all, how honourably she can act."

"That was- different," I said lamely.

"Worry about her before me, if it's the golden-haired one you want to protect. Himemiya will have her way, no matter what."

"You said it yourself," I shot back. "This is a destined love."

"Of course." Tsubasa raised his eyebrows. "And that helps issues of consent, now?"

"I'll take care of it," I said. "But Himemiya is essentially good-willed. That's more than I know of you."

"Perhaps. That's just her hypocrisy, though." Tsubasa smirked at my expression. "In any case, I'm leaving tomorrow. You won't be able to contact me just by dropping yourself here any more."

"Don't you have a mobile?" I asked.

"Do I look like a man with need for such nonsense?"

"Don't even try it." I stared hard at him. "I know well, that Miyako and Reiko at least will be able to contact you. You'll want to know what they know, even if you're in Tohoku. Especially if it concerns the Himemiya, where you're going."

"Then tell them to tell me. You can even ask nicely." Tsubasa stood, stretching. "Or you can come with me."

"Come with you?" I blinked. "It's the middle of term, and I don't have much money, there's no way I could just do that."

"Of course. You're bound up." Tsubasa walked past me. "Next time you ask me why I live as I do, remember this… responsibility, aspiration, commitment, they're nice words to guild a cage. You're wiser, but I'm freer."

"Free to mooch off Miyako for money, anyway," I pointed out sourly.

"I pay my own way. There's someone in every age who needs my talents, even this modern world." Tsubasa stopped, glancing back at me and smirking. "I'll be taking Girochi. He's going to do something stupid tomorrow, and I'm going to add excitement to my trip by saving him from it. It should guarantee some interesting moments."

"What are you talking about?" I demanded. "Does it involve Himeko?"

"They won't be harmed," Tsubasa said idly. "The Miko." He lit a cigarette as he walked. "I told you it was stupid, after all."