A/N: Ugh, why have these chapters been so hard to write? It's like each one is harder than the last. I think I'm finally starting to hit a block… This one is particularly long and emotionally draining.

loulouflowerpower: Sorry for ending on a cliffhanger - didn't mean it that way! I hope this makes up for it.

REVIEW PLEASE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 38: Of Third Wheels, Snow, and Protection

Rowan felt sick. Lily and James had officially been dating for three weeks – James had asked her to be his girlfriend on New Year's Eve [Rowan thought she'd strangle Lily if she heard the story one more time] – and Rowan wondered why she'd never realized that the two were basically perfect for each other. The relationship had given the redhead a certain glow that Rowan envied, and she mused that James' face would snap any day now if he kept grinning so maniacally. More and more frequently, she found herself as a third wheel, awkwardly sitting with the two of them in the Great Hall or Common Room, feeling strangely dirty for being near them. She thought that if she stared too long at their light, she might go blind.

Rowan wanted desperately to be happy for Lily and James, but the memories of her New Year's Eve still left a bitter taste in her mouth. After their heated argument, Remus had kissed her like a starved man and then ran away from her like she was a plague, leaving her on the cold floor of the Fifth Floor corridors. He always seemed to be leaving her to cry alone, she thought sourly. She'd tried to seek him out over the next few days, but when he made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with her, she began to resign herself to the fact that she'd not only lost him as her boyfriend, but also as her friend.

Just as she'd sworn to Remus, she'd maintained her fervent determination to become Damocles Belby's apprentice, and the Potions Master had continued to be pleased with her work, which seemed to be her only solace recently. Nothing seemed to be going right for her, from small things like spilling a pitcher of pumpkin juice all over the house table to big things like screwing up a Second Year's potions homework because she'd told him the wrong information. Her mother's letters informed her sadly that her father had gone back to his usual negligence and that Alfred had severely burnt his hand in a cooking accident recently so he wouldn't be able to write to her for some time. That week, Professor McGonagall yelled at her in front of the entire class for nearly taking off poor Lacey Jones' eyebrows with a Human Transfiguration spell because she'd started dozing off, and even Professor Slughorn had been disappointed in her lackluster attempt at brewing Veritaserum despite having done it already in her nighttime practices in the dungeons. The snidely triumphant look on Severus Snape's face had made her want to punch both him and herself in the nose. Overall, it had been one of the worst weeks of her life.

This cloud of misfortune seemed to be following her everywhere. She was walking around the large Owlery tower staircase looking in the various nooks for Anfa to send her weekly update to Belby when she heard a strange moan.

Her eyes widened, and she felt her cheeks redden. It was the intimate moan of a lover. Her face burned. Why was this happening? Was she doomed to be a third wheel even for couples she didn't know? She heard another moan, but this time is was masculine. It was coming from just above her around the nook that Anfa usually slept in, but she couldn't just walk over there!

Oh, sorry, don't mind me – just getting my owl… Carry on!

She wanted to bang her head on the wall. She couldn't just say that! But she couldn't just leave without sending her letter to Belby! What was she supposed to do?

There was shuffling from above her and hushed voices. She panicked. If they looked over the edge of the staircase, they'd see her! Why was her luck so terrible? She looked around frantically for a place to hide, but it was completely open – the only way she'd possibly be able to pretend that she hadn't heard all of that was if she ran down two flights of stairs and pretended to be just arriving. She was about to try, turning frantically, but before she could move, she heard a voice call out.

"Rowan?"

She looked up and saw Mina and Sirius gaping down at her, faces pale.

"That was you?" she blurted before she could stop herself. Her hand shot to her mouth in embarrassment.

Both of their faces went red – they knew they'd been caught.

"Winnie, I can explain," Sirius started in a rush. Mina's head jerked at him with a fearful look. What the hell was she so scared about? Rowan had no idea what was going on. Her head felt heavy.

"No," she blurted out. Sirius and Mina looked startled. "No, I can't deal with this right now," Rowan muttered. She could feel a headache coming on. "You two have to explain to me what's going on between you later, but right now, I don't think I can handle it. Just shove off and let me send my letter."

They both nodded their heads violently, and before she could say anything else, they were scrambling down the stairs past her, disappearing into the exit below.

It was so cold. Rowan's rear was freezing, sitting in the snow outside by herself, and she could feel it melting into her clothes. The sun was hanging low, and she felt strangely calm seeing the oranges and yellows blending into the sky. She was sitting on the hillside that she and Remus used to so frequently share, and though it brought her memories of warm afternoons together, the freshest one was still of his quiet voice telling her that he was leaving her. The memory put her in a strange daze.

Sirius and Mina… She supposed she'd seen the chemistry between them, but she'd seen no signs that Sirius was still interested in Mina those past few months. Mina had never made any mention of seeing Sirius either. Why hadn't someone told her that they were together? She knew logically that she was overreacting – and under normal circumstances, she would've teased them and laughed at their embarrassing situation – but something about seeing them together after all of her bad luck from the past week was deeply unsettling. She felt even more bitter than she had been before, if that was even possible.

She'd sworn to herself that she'd be able to take this, that she'd push aside her personal feelings for Remus to do what was right, but losing his friendship had hurt so much more than she'd anticipated, like she'd woken up one day without one of her limbs. She knew that he was just trying to protect her, but the fact that he couldn't be happy that she'd finally made steps towards achieving her dreams left her devastated. She wondered sadly how she could have ever thought he was her best friend. The realization was somehow humiliating.

Her wet butt and legs were starting to go numb, but she couldn't find the energy to move. She mused darkly that she could just stay out there all night and freeze to death – she would no longer have to worry about werewolves or living her life out alone that way. The sun had just hit the horizon, and the sky was such a warm red that she wanted to be absorbed into it. She closed her eyes and imagined that if she tried hard enough, she would whisper away into smoke.

"Rowan?"

She looked up, startled, to see Remus about five feet away from her, looking confused and lost. What was happening to her? Was she hallucinating from being out in the cold for too long?

"What're you doing out here?" he asked, eyebrows furrowed.

She heard the words leave his mouth, but for some reason, it all seemed very detached and chaotic. She couldn't wrap her head around the fact that he was standing there speaking to her.

"Rowan," he called out to her again, starting to look concerned. Her mind was completely blank, and she couldn't muster up the thoughts to even generate the words to respond. She turned back to see the setting sun, which had just begun to disappear behind the largest mountain. She focused on it and wished that she might fall beneath the earth as well.

"Rowan!"

She felt her body turn and jerk and saw Remus holding her shoulder tightly looking frantic. "Rowan, what are you doing out here? It's freezing!" he said, shaking her lightly.

But she still couldn't find the words to speak. Everything he said seemed very obvious, stupid even – yes, it was freezing, but it didn't matter much to her. She was kind of hoping that she would freeze. Why was he even out there? He'd made it very clear over the past month that he wasn't interested in speaking to her anymore – not when she didn't follow along with his martyr complex. None of it made sense, and she just wanted to become invisible and be left alone.

Then suddenly, she felt the pressure of the ground disappear and realized that she was being lifted into the air. Remus had scooped her out of the snow bridal-style and was carrying her back to the castle. She felt that familiar surge of anger burst in her.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" she demanded hotly. "Put me down this instant!"

"No!" he shot back at her fiercely. The hardness of his face made her recoil with shock. How was this happening?

"What do you mean, no?" she spat. "Remus Lupin, you fucking put me down right now or I'll-" she started.

"Or you'll what – shoot books at me again?" he snorted angrily. "If you don't quit your bitching, I'll put a Silencing Charm on you again!"

Rowan saw red. "How dare you!" she shouted. She hit him in the chest as hard as she could with her restrained arms, but she was tangled in her robes. He grunted in pain, though he kept walking. "How dare you! You have no right to be treating me like this – like, like some stupid child!"

"Then stop acting like one!" he shot back at her. She was furious.

Rowan screamed in frustration and began thrashing – she kicked and flailed, hitting him as hard as she could until he dropped her. She grunted in pain at the landing, noting the large bruise she'd have on her hip and elbow later, but scrambled for her wand. Unfortunately, she was too slow to get her bearings, and Remus pointed his wand at her. "Silencio!"

She felt that terrible dryness in her mouth again and screamed in frustration, though no sound came out. Remus crouched down and grabbed her flailing arms before hauling her over his shoulder with ease and carrying her into the castle, ignoring her fists beating down at his back furiously. He kept her legs locked tightly under his arms.

Rowan was mortified as several students turned to stare at the two of them, now walking up the stairs. They pointed and laughed until seeing the blood-curdling fury on Rowan's face, and they scampered off, faces pale. She began to tire out, which only fueled her frustration, but her arms were sore from her wild flailing. She soon found herself feeling drained as the adrenaline left her. Her eyes welled up with hot tears. This was humiliating and horrifying and she just wanted Remus Lupin to curl up and die.

Finally after a long walk up the stairs, bouncing somewhat painfully on Remus' bony shoulder, she found them back in the Gryffindor Common Room. There were thankfully very few people there, but the Gryffindors who were looked bewildered at seeing the two of them together, let alone so intimately. Rowan thought he'd finally set her down, but he surprised her yet again by carrying her up the spiral staircase leading to the boys' dorms.

When he finally set her down on his bed, she didn't know what to do. Everything was happening so quickly. Hadn't she just been outside? She looked to the window and saw that the sky was a deep purple. How did she get there?

Remus leaned slightly so that he was face to face with her. His cheeks were pink from the exertion of carrying her all the way up the stairs. She wanted to glare at him but found that she didn't even have the energy for that. She felt pathetic.

"I'm going to take the Silencing Charm off you now, okay? Please don't scream at me," he said quietly.

Rowan just looked at him dazedly, and she hoped that her frustration was expressed. She could see from the small smile that twitched at his mouth that it wasn't though. He raised his wand gently to her throat and whispered, "Eloquoro."

She felt that gush of wind shoot down her throat again, and she gasped, choking on her own voice. Remus grabbed a glass off of his nightstand and pointed his wand into it, muttering, "Aguamenti," and clear water shot into the glass. He handed it to her, and she drank it down with relish.

As he watched her finish the glass of water, he pulled his tie and robes off and toed off his shoes and socks, throwing them vaguely at his dresser before sitting next to her on the bed. When she was done, he took the glass and placed it back on the nightstand. Though her throat was soothed, she felt extremely uncomfortable.

"I'm going to speak now. I want you to listen to everything that I say before you start yelling at me again, okay? Promise me you'll hear me out," he said quietly.

Rowan couldn't even look at him. All of her limbs felt so drained. Why was this happening? She couldn't even nod in response. He took her silence as acquiescence and continued.

"First I want to say that I'm sorry," he said. The words sounded so strange in his voice. She was still so confused. He remained silent for a moment, and when she didn't respond, he continued. "The past eight months-" he frowned. Had it really been that long? "These past eight months have been dark for me." He looked at her again – still no response. He sighed. "After what happened with Snape and Sirius, it was like being in a terrible dream." He clenched his eyes for a moment before continuing. "Every time I looked at you, it was like seeing you there, instead of Snape. I… I still have nightmares."

This caught Rowan's attention. She looked at him slowly, and his eyes seemed to blaze in response. He'd never told her that. She knew that he'd been scared of hurting her after the incident, but to see her in Snape's place? It was heartbreaking.

"It was suffocating," he whispered. "And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it could really happen. The next time I attacked someone, it could be you. I don't know how I'd live with myself if that ever happened." His voice trembled. "I thought I could just be friends with you again. I thought I could hold you at arm's length and just be happy knowing that you were safe."

Rowan felt a small wave a disappointment set in her bones. Was all of this just to tell her officially that they were no longer friends?

"But I can't. When I saw you with those books, I realized that by pushing you away, I'd just pushed you deeper." His voice was so soft, barely even a whisper. "And I was horrified. I knew you'd been sneaking off in the middle of the night doing something, but I'd never imagined that you'd been doing your own personal research. And then I remembered that wizard."

Rowan saw him clench his eyes shut as if trying to restrain himself. His hands were fisted at his knees.

"When I realized that you had an arrangement with that wizard, I wanted to kill him," he bit out venomously. Rowan was startled at his tone. She saw that rage in his eyes that she'd seen that night in the kitchens, and the same cold fear creep up her spine. "I wanted to kill him for ruining everything that I'd planned, for letting you dig even deeper into this nightmare. How could he do this, knowing what potential dangers that you'd be exposed to?" His voice had risen gradually, as if growing with his anger.

He was burning into her now. "And you'll be in so much danger, Winnie. There are so many people out there who will hate you. There are people like me out there who will hate you, who will come after you. How can you keep going, knowing all of this?"

Rowan didn't answer but felt her mouth mold into a hard line. His eyes blazed.

"I know you're determined to see this through no matter what I do or say," he said sadly. "I've been fighting it, thinking of everything I could possibly do to convince you otherwise, but I know that I'm fighting a losing battle." He looked so fragile. She fought the urge to touch him. "On New Year's Eve, I was desperate. I was so desperate to convince you to give up on this. I'd been replaying our fight over and over again, and I needed to convince you that you were better off without me."

He sighed again. "But I can't give you up. I proved it to myself that night – I mean, if you'd let me, I might have..." he trailed off darkly, as if too ashamed to complete the thought. Rowan felt her face burn.

"You're in so much danger, Winnie. It terrifies me how much danger you're putting yourself in for this. Is there really nothing I can do to make you change your mind?" he asked quietly, desperately.

Rowan's mind was a swirl of white and rushing blood, but she forced all of her will to her mouth. "No," she whispered.

Remus seemed to have been expecting her answer and smiled sadly at her. "I figured," he said quietly. His voice sounded so small. He seemed to working up the nerve to continue, a flood of anxiety in his face. But he eventually drew himself up and squared himself towards her. His jaw looked more defined, his eyes hard.

"All of my better judgment is telling me to run away from you, to let you go, but I can't." His eyes flared. "But if I can't convince you to protect yourself, then I want to be there to protect you instead." She felt her chest constrict. "I'm willing to take whatever you can give me – anything as long as it means that I can be there to protect you when trouble comes. And it will." His gaze was all dark fire, and she felt consumed by his heat. "Please," he begged.

All of Remus' words sank into Rowan slowly, and she suddenly felt so tired. He seemed so far away from her despite being only inches apart. She just wanted to curl up and sleep forever. But his eyes were scanning frantically over her face, and she knew she had to answer him.

"No," she whispered.

"No…?" His face paled. She could see the panic rise in him.

"No," she repeated. "I don't want your friendship just because you want to protect me." The words spilled from her mouth without even crossing her mind, but she couldn't stop now that she'd begun. "I want someone who is going to respect my decisions because they respect me. I want them to be happy for me because I'm doing what I love and what I've sworn to achieve." She felt the heat in her chest. "The last thing I want is for you to dedicate your life to shielding me from whatever dangers may lie in the future. If the only thing you want is to protect me like some holy artifact to be worshiped, then I don't want or need you in my life. I can protect myself just fine," she said. Her words came out firmly, and she was surprised at the tone of her own voice.

Remus' looked desperate. His eyes were darting over her face as if trying to discern whether those words had really come out of her mouth. He looked distraught.

"Please, Rowan," he whispered. "You have to understand. I love you. I love you so much that it kills me. I have to protect you. Can't you see that? You can't ask this of me."

Rowan felt her stomach sink at his words. "Then I can't do this, Remus. If you can't agree to respect my decisions and trust me, then I can't do this." She felt her eyes sting.

Remus shook his head violently. "No, I will. I will. I'll do anything you want, Rowan, just please. If you want me to respect you when you're going against everything that I want for you, then you have to accept that I need to do this. Please," he whispered frantically.

Rowan absorbed his words slowly. They made sense, but she was so tired that she couldn't make heads or tails of it anymore. She wasn't even sure why they were arguing. She looked out the window – it was dark outside. The yellow light of the room's lanterns illuminated Remus' face, accentuating the shadows beneath his eyes. He looked so very tired.

"I…" she started softly, barely a whisper. "I don't know, Remus. I need to think about all of this. It's just so much. I can't…" she trailed off. "I can't process it right now. Can you give me time to think about it?" she asked weakly.

His eyes burned into her, and she felt overwhelmed by his intensity, but he nodded slowly. His gaze softened and looked over her face slowly, as if he were trying to memorize her features.

"Stay here the night?" he asked softly, unsure of his own words.

Rowan nodded slowly, eyelids already fluttering with fatigue. She was too tired to fight him, too tired to go back to the girls' dorm. She couldn't remember ever feeling so exhausted. He smiled tenderly at the drowsy look on her face.

She couldn't fight him as he tentatively removed her clothes, pulling his own baggy t-shirt and sweatpants onto her small form. She felt the cold burning of her wet skin exposed to the warm air and shivered. When he'd pulled the drawstring of the pants tight to make sure the pants didn't slip from her hips, he looked at her steadily, taking in her form longingly. She thought for a moment that time had stopped, but then he leaned forward ever so slowly and kissed the corner of her mouth gently before pulling away and smiling at her again. She felt her chest might burst.

He lifted her and tucked her underneath his covers before turning to pull his own clothes off. She watched his lean form behind sleepy eyes, running over the familiar old scars that marked his back and arms. It'd been so long since she'd seen them, but they were still so very much the same. A few new ones had appeared, and she burned them into her memory.

As he climbed into the bed beside her, he tentatively wrapped an arm around her, assessing her resistance. When she offered none, he pulled her in gently against him, and her lungs were filled with him. The sensation was so heartbreakingly familiar and yet foreign that she thought she'd cry if she had anything left in her. As she fell asleep, she could feel his fingers running gently through her hair, his other hand stroking her back. The last thing that she could remember was thinking that she was already lost.